it was a terrible horrible no good very bad day

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy

I suppose it really started last night.

Insomnia.

While my beloved slumbered next to me, blissfully unaware of his melodious offerings, I tossed and turned. Finally, against my better judgement (but who has good judgement at 2 in the morning?) I took a sleep aid. So of course I was completely out of it come 6 am alarm clock time. I slept through my sweeties good bye kiss, through the second alarm and, oh look, 2 missed phone calls!
At 9 am as I was struggling to even sit up the doorbell rang. Now, normally I'd ignore it. But, we had insulators coming to blow insulation into the attic so I had to let them in. There was no time to try and look presentable so.... pajamas and night hair would have to do.

Pretty sure I traumatized the young man who stood at my front door.

Now upright, I made a desperate trek to the coffee pot. Thank God, literally, for coffee. As I balanced my coffee and a breakfast bar in one hand, my phone in the other I noticed how tight my low back was. I noticed because I tried to sit down in my chair and I couldn't. Yah, my back does this from time to time. It's always worse first thing in the morning and usually takes about 30-60 minutes of gentle movement to unknot and allow flexibility. No worries, I can drink and eat standing up.
Of course coffee usually motivates other things to move. That's when it started getting nasty.

When your toilet backs up first thing in the morning, you might decide to just go back to bed. Because have you ever tried using a toilet plunger when your back will not let you bend?? But fast advancing water, nasty nasty water, will force you to push through the pain barrier. 
Then, adding insult to injury, the stupid plunger broke while plunging. And let me tell you, there was NO WAY I was going after whatever little piece just fell into the bowl!

Dear brothers and sisters,[ when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy... 

I don't know about that....

Finally, crisis averted, back throbbing I hobbled back to the living room where I discovered the cat had projectile vomited his breakfast all over the carpet.
When your cat throws up, you might just decide to go back to bed.

Dear brothers and sisters,[ when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy...

Ever wanna tell James to just be quiet? 

When my husband called to reply to the text I sent him about needing a new plunger, he asked me to relay a message to the insulators. Oh dear. I was still in my pj's with uncombed hair and now a surly attitude.

Pretty sure I traumatized the other guy on the insulation team.

From there, the day seemed to even out. I went for a walk hoping some gentle movement might bring about relief. It did somewhat. I was able to get some laundry going, some dishes washed and the floor swept. Never mind the tidy little dust piles here and there. I'll finish sweeping those up later.

The big chore awaiting me was of course the bathroom. That floor wasn't gonna mop itself.

Around 1pm I was finally able to take a nice hot shower. And the day seemed better. I forgot about the troubles from this morning. The cat had calmed down, the insulators were done and gone and I was able to sit for short periods of time.

Then,  I went to the post office.

I have been having horrendous issues with package deliveries of late. Blame it on the holidays but it seems Fed Ex has one set of rules for package deliveries, UPS another and then USPS has another set. None are the same and mess up just one and you don't get your package. I've had just about enough grief from lost packages, returned packages, packages arriving demanding postage due in crazy amounts. Today was no exception. I might do a separate post on this as it deserves its own special venting session. For now, I'm sipping some sugar free hot chocolate spiked with Peppermint infused vodka. Because it's 5 O clock and I'm done. 

And, I have a verse to meditate on.

Dear brothers and sisters,[ when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1.2-4 NLT

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Yesterday I felt great! I felt light and flexible, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! I walked 4 miles at an average of 14 minutes per mile. The sun was shining and I was able to spend most of the day under those beautiful sunny skies.

sunny skies at the bay. 

Today I feel not so great. I feel heavy and tight, barely able to put one foot in front of the other. My joints feel like they've been filled with quick setting cement.  I forced myself out the door and pushed myself to do a 2 mile walk which took almost 45 minutes to do. The sky is overcast and rain is in the forecast. I have a feeling I might spend some of this day under the covers.

some days feel black and white.

But, despite all of that. I still got out there and walked. I don't care how long it took or how slow I walked or how short a distance I covered today. It doesn't even matter that yesterday I did great. What matters is I am moving. I will not let my fickle disease control me.

some days it's a struggle to stand upright. 

I can blame it on the weather or link it to something I ate the day before that caused inflammation to occur, but some times there just is no rhyme or reason to a Fibro-Flair Up. All I can do is hang in there because it always passes. I have my little tricks for recovery and I also know when to just ride it out . In the midst of the pain and lethargy I know I can go to God for comfort.

We are pressed on every side by troubles but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. Through suffering, these bodies of ours constantly share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10

Some days it's the fibromyalgia, some days it's the depression. And some times it's just life. "In this world we will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!" Said Jesus.

That's my life line.

consider the (daisies) of the field, they neither toil not spin...

Ready, Set.... GO!

Tomorrow is the Big Day! 

The Run for the Honeywagon.

 Bucket List Day. 

Team Burke. 

The LoveBurkes do the honeywagon. 

A 4 mile walk. 

We've got this. 

No problemo! 

Piece of Cake.

And speaking of cake, I just might have some to celebrate after we finish. 

(gluten free of course) 

 Took an obligatory 2 mile around the high school track this morning, just because. I debated on making this a rest day but the muscles really needed to be stretched. And it was such a glorious, beautiful, sunny morning. The birds were trilling, the parking lot was busy with cars; high school kids showing up for some event, cars whizzing by on the highway, and the wind rustling my hair and nipping my ears. 

2 miles around the track, with a chocolate protein smoothie to finish it off!

I woke up with a sense that 

today was a day I really needed to remember all I am thankful for. 

To not let any waves of overwhelmedness, depression, anxiety or worry, get me down. 

As I gazed out my living room window, sipping my morning cuppa, and watching the sky change colors with the breaking of sun through clouds, I just stopped.

THANK YOU.  

Thank you God for your mercies, new every morning. 

Thank you God for your loving kindness. 

Thank you for loving me. 

Thank you for providing for me. 

Thank you for never giving up, even when I feel like doing so. 

Thank you for your strength that carries me when I am weak. 

Thank you for making me weak, so I will learn to depend and  lean on you. 

Thank you for building my faith muscle. 

Thank you for the little pill I take each day

 that helps keep me balanced and sane.  

some days this IS how it feels!!

I do try every day,

 to remember to be thankful for the things one would think we wouldn't be thankful for.

 Like depression. Who would be thankful for that?

 Or financial worries and woes. Who wishes for that in their life? 

For body aches and limitations. Why? 

But we are told repeatedly in scripture to give thanks. 

To praise him.

  Give Thanks in ALL THINGS, for this is the Will of God. 1 Thessalonians 5.18 (emphasis mine) 

some days are just FULL of hurdles!!

Really God? Give thanks for circumstances that aren't pleasant? 

Give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5.20

Give thanks for feeling weak and needy? 

My grace is sufficient for you; My power works best in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12.9 

what a wonderful way to look at it.

Yes. Some days its harder than others for me to remember to be thankful. 

To give thanks.

 And it is on those days that I need it the most.   

Yes, even more than coffee.

even more than coffee, I need to give thanks.

Tomorrow I will bust a move along with my sweetie, knocking out those 4 miles like it's nothing.

 And along the way, I will continue to be giving thanks. 

the curse of the dreaded fibro-fog

it was a dark and stormy night.... Oh wait, that's the beginning of a bad novel.This is just a blog post and I don't want it to read like a soap opera turned horror flick. No, this is just your average tale about a modern day woman who occasionally suffers from a malady known as Fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia, for those who may not know, is one of those chronic ailments that are widely misunderstood but had gained much attention in recent years as more and more people become diagnosed with it and doctors scramble to learn the cause and subsequent treatment of it. Fibromyalgia, or FM for abbreviation purposes, is characterized by wide spread pain that does not seem to be related to one specific cause. Its not arthritis, or bursitis, it's not a flu or virus, though when in a fibro-flair up, I often feel like I have the flu... or that I've been run over by a semi.

I was diagnosed with FM about 10 or 12 years ago. Back then there were not many doctors in our neck of the woods who knew what to do with the diagnosis. I saw a specialist for awhile (back in the good old days when we had health insurance) and the most common treatment was putting us on anti-psychotic medication. (Crazy right?) The premise was that it would raise the serotonin levels which would help combat pain. I can't vouch for anyone else but after a horrible trial run with several different med's which made me feel crazy, I said "enough with that!" and decided to go with a more holistic approach. During that time I took a leave of absence from my job (I was driving school bus at the time and calling in sick way too much) and concentrated on trying to find answers to my problem. I was blessed to stumble across a chiropractor who practiced natural techniques.  Within the first couple of treatments I was experiencing less pain than I had in months. I kept up a regime of regular visits to his office, taking supplements and incorporating exercise as much as my body could tolerate. (A few years later when I opened up our Curves for Women's Fitness Center, I was really able to keep up my exercise, and thankfully with a workout that was easy for me to handle. It was a win-win for me.)

this helps keep me going when the going gets really tough. 

Getting adequate sleep is also important but the sleep issue is often trickier to manage as insomnia is one of the trademarks of this debilitating ailment. In addition to insomnia, joint pain and stiffness, there is irritable bowel syndrome, fatigue, difficulty swallowing, and cognitive dysfunction. Or, as some of us call it "fibro-fog". (Today for instance, it's taken me most of the day to put together this post, something I usually knock out in a relatively short amount of time.)

A few years ago I made the discovery about my intolerance for gluten. Once I removed gluten from my diet I noticed a dramatic difference as far as inflammation goes. Now, when I do have a flare up, I can usually trace it back to something I ate the day before that was on the No-No list. ( this often occurs after eating out, as I can't control what goes into restaurant prepared food.) Despite the tricks I have learned to help keep this nasty condition at bay, I can't guarantee it wont rear its ugly head and render me useless.

don't bug me. I'm sleeping.

So, it wasn't a dark and stormy night after all. It was a dark and stormy Morning. One of those mornings where it hurts to even open my eyes.  Where it feels like someone poured cement into my joints and its quick setting cement.  Where mass amounts of coffee still wont make the brain fog lift.  On these days it would be better for me to just crawl back in bed and sleep. Or so one would think. But I find sleep just as elusive on these days as I do most nights. And sleep doesn't necessarily relieve the joint pain and stiffness. It's usually better for me to move, painful as it may be. So, this morning, if you saw someone stumbling down the road, with her ass dragging on the heels of her shoes, looking like a zombie... yah, that'd be me.

As August Comes to A Close....

Oh my word!! I have never let this much time go by between blog posts. I guess I took a vacation. Well, this is the month to do it in-- last chance before fall rolls around.

Truthfully, this month has been fun and full. A week long visit with our so-grown-up grandson-- (did this ol' gramma's heart good) two camping trips, and in between. many play dates with my sister (so good to have her 'home') And, to be honest, I think a break from the blog was needed. I was feeling kinda dry there. Not writers block but just feeling tired and in need of a respite.

So, what is ahead this fall? Oh, lots of great stuff! My big exciting thing is that I have taken on a new role in my church, that of small group coordinator for our campus. We are a big church with different locations and the location we attend has not been very focused on getting small groups activated. I aim to change that! Some of my friends are hiding now when they see me coming because they think I am going to ask them to step up and lead a small group. They might be right. ;)

I am pretty passionate about the small group concept. I believe small groups are the backbone of a healthy church. So much of my spiritual growth has come about in the small groups I've participated in. I have seen amazing things take place in other people lives as a result of their small group experience. I am excited and hopeful for my church family to get connected.

I am also pretty pumped up about my renewed walking habit. Since I left my job I have been feeling physically so much better. I don't hurt! And I have energy for other things. I have been committed to walking every day-- sometimes I even manage twice a day. I am averaging 3-4 miles a day and feeling great. I have also been really, really watching my calorie intake and it's paying off!! Whoot Whoot! I am just a few pounds away from reaching my goal and I am loving and laughing over how lose my clothes are fitting. I might have to go shopping for some new outfits pretty soon!!

I have been taking advantage of every sunshiny day and I know the extra Vitamin D is complimenting my anti depressants. I feel strong. I feel confident. I feel positive. Yes, I occasionally have a day where it's hard to get motivated and I still get some flashes of anger that border on irrational...but those are few and far between and flashes really are the right word for them as they dissipate so quickly I have to wonder if they really were there. So, all in all, I am feeling good. Really good.

So good in fact that I have been able to handle today with out any pity parties. 35 years ago today I became a mom for the first time. My son and I have not had any communication in over 3 years and I don't have any solutions for changing that at this time. I have to leave it all in God's hands and trust like the father of the prodigal son, that some day he will return to me and then I can run to meet him and celebrate his return in my life. I feel sad for this separation but I can't change it. It is what it is. Still.... I am sending happy birthday wishes out over the airwaves, hoping he will know somehow, some way, that I love him very much.

August is coming to a close... and , dare I say it.....?????
Autumn is just around the corner......

whatever

You know when you have a headache and you pop a couple Tylenol and in a little bit the headache has abated? I guess that's what I was hoping for when I started back on the antidepressants. Even though I know it takes time for it to build up in my system before it begins leveling me out. It's only been 2 weeks and the first week was at half dose as my body adjusted to the medicine. Still, I am anxious to get back to an even keel, one where I don't feel so fragile, so testy, so... choleric.

I also need to remind myself that I saw the signs along the way and ignored them, determined to do this thing by myself, which has turned out to be about as delightful as ignoring the 'bridge is out' sign and plundering over the cliff into the raging river below! Instead, I doggedly blundered my way into a deep dark hole and then sat in that hole for some time before I even was willing to admit it was a hole I was in. (Longer still to admit I was in a hole to my husband and then call and make the appointment to see my doctor. Oh, what a silly girl I am.)

I have said before that I am a glass half full kind of person. I identify with the Sanguine personality type for the most part,  but when I read the description of the Melancholy, I say "Oh, that's me too!" On other personality tests I find myself closely aligned with the Otter; I'm a let's have fun while we get it done, kind of person. Yet I am deeply introverted, meaning my battery discharges as I put myself out there and I need, desperately, the quiet, downtime to recharge. (As I get older, I find it takes longer to recharge the batteries)

Anyway, the last few weeks has found me grumpy, irritable, tired and sending out negative vibes that everyone-- most especially my poor husband-- can feel. It doesn't feel very good. I quickly become irrationally angry over small things I should be able to laugh off. It's painful and agonizing as I rant and rave, knowing this is unnecessary bad behavior. A friend asked me (when I disclosed my depression) if I was feeling sad and weepy, to which I laughed and said  "No, I just feel like ripping peoples faces off!"  (She leaned far away from me at that point)  But it's true. I don't feel depressed as in crying all the time, thinking my life is worthless and contemplating suicide. I just feel spent. I feel angry. I feel tired, disinterested in things that usually bring me pleasure, wanting to avoid social interaction. My brain feels crowded, like it will explode if I expose it to one more thing, no matter how small, and interestingly enough, it seems like the smaller the thing the more likely it is to irritate me. Like it's trying to take up what little space I have left and I am trying to save all my energy for things that really matter. I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to figure out where the $23.92 difference between my check register and what the bank says,is, when I could be doing something more important, like, oh, I don't know, playing spider solitaire.

Gah.

This too shall pass. I know I will be out of the hole in time. In fact I do know that the hole feels less deep than it did a couple weeks ago. Clawing my way out of it in a panic is probably more likely to just bring more dirt down on my head so it's better for me to wait patiently for someone to lower me a rope or better still a ladder....

In spite of all this, as I sit in my hole, I  think of the saying about how sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window? And how sometimes he makes us wait in the hallway for awhile? And how while we're waiting in the hallway, we can still praise him? I have no problem with that. While I sit in my hole it does give me plenty of time to think. To dream. (I dream about having a place like this to call my hole....)

Whatever you might be going through, remember this... 

God ultimately has a plan for your life. And He will bring you through it. 

Trust Him. 

Words to live by. I do. 

One Week and Ramping Up

I have been back on my anti-depression med's for one week. They started me out at half dose and after one week, we ramp it up to the full dose. So today is the first day of the regular, full dose of the prescription. It's too soon to tell if it's making a difference really. I will say this though; the admitting I needed to go back on them, the sharing of it with trusted family and friends, has been so very positive and affirming, that is has made a significant (good) difference in how I feel regardless of the medication.

I was also able to sit in my chair and drink my morning coffee and am even sitting right now as I write this. This means NO PAIN!! Yes, for almost a week I have been unable to really sit without back spasms sending me to my knees in pain. I have spent more of the last several days laying on my back alternating between heat and ice, ibuprofen and tylenol and even a couple of muscle relaxers thrown in for good measure. My foot is better but still not 100%. I went for a walk yesterday and made one lap around the high school track and it was so good for my back. My foot was another story but I believe we'll get there.

I am supposed to return to work next week. Today I am planning to approach my boss about whether or not I could work even more part time than I was. As in not 6 mornings a week. I don't hold out a lot of hope for this happening but I believe I should ask. God can surprise me!

My back up plan if this fails is to try. This is part of the Trust, Try Talk thing that God told me. I will try returning to work and see how my body and mind and spirit hold up. And in trying, I will do my best and leave the rest up to Him.

In A Whisper

Pounding rain against the roof and windows at 4am. Driven from my bed from a need to pee, I listen in awe to this summer shower turned reckless. Back under the covers I try to find the perfect position in which to return to slumber for a couple more hours. I am challenged by 3 things. A backache that just won't quit, a snoring husband and a neurotic cat who thinks I want to cuddle now. Correction. Who thinks I should cuddle now.

But as I snuggle deeper under my blankets and smell the freshness this rain brings, my thoughts return to the troublesome issue that's been plaguing me for days now. My job. I have been off work for going into my 3rd week and am not scheduled to return till the 1st of July. A stress fracture on my foot that was then complicated with shin splints from wearing a walking boot, followed by my back going out due to what I can only attribute to a lack of activity, has left me confused about whether to sit or stand. Sitting causes my back to spasm, standing puts pressure on my foot. Laying in my bed seems to me a logical conclusion and until my antidepressants catch up with me, it's where I truly want to be. But, my job. What about my job?

I have been there 6 months and during this time the physical work has never gotten easier. I like what I do and I enjoy the work atmosphere for the most part, however, physically it kicks my butt every single day and I am seriously questioning whether or not I can  continue.... As I roll over and push my cat away from my face, I mentally list all the things that hurt.
Rotator Cuffs. Both of them torn, operated on and then torn again and basically, at this point, stable but always ready to make me miserable should I do one small thing to set them off.
Fibromyalgia. It's been over 10 years since I was diagnosed with this chronic disease and I have learned for the most part how to counteract it and live with it. I keep it under control by watching what I eat, getting equal amount of rest and exercise, and trying to avoid the things that can trigger it. Fibromyalgia also presents a wide range of issues from the achy body to brain fog, to insomnia and more. Loads of fun. Loads.
Stress fracture in the foot. Not getting better. Wondering if there is perhaps also some arthritis in the ankle as it aches when it's fixing to rain. Which in Washington is just about all the time.
Back issues that come and go... such as now. My back goes out more than I do.
And lastly, Depression that can range from debilitating to manageable, but always, the threat of a dark cloud is there.

This is my list and no wonder sleep is elusive. I kick the covers off my feet as I feel a hot flash developing. And then, a whisper. Words flash across my brain, my heart and I think... "God... is that You?"
Because, He does speak to me, and usually, almost always,  in my quiet, unguarded moments.
I listen.
He says "Trust. Try. Talk."

"Trust. Trust in Me. I have it under control. Trust me to lead you in everything. And Trust your husband. I have appointed him the spiritual leader of your household and he's following my lead. It's going to be alright."

"Try. Do you best and leave the rest up to Me. That's all I ask. I am strong where you are weak and I know where your weaknesses are better than you do. All you have to do is try."

"Talk. Communication is key. Talk to Me. Talk to Bruce. Talk to your boss."

I drift back to sleep for maybe another 30 minutes or so. When I have my coffee and my bible reading plan ready for my morning devotions, I discover the title of my read is 'God Speaks to His Friends". Interesting. Not a coincidence, this morning's topic for me.

God speaks. In a whisper. Are you listening?

The "D" Word

I am going to write this post before I lose my nerve.

I have been struggling for some time emotionally speaking in addition to dealing with physical pain. The last 2 weeks being off work has allowed me time to admit that things are not as they should be. I am not making it folks. I am floundering, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry (irrationally so at times) and lethargic, and the things I normally should be able to take in stride are tripping me up more than my lame foot.

It's no secret that I have dealt with depression in the past. I have blogged about my depression and also about my decision to go off the antidepressants. I am not sorry that I made that decision and for almost 2 years I have felt successful in navigating life without the aid of that little happy pill. But, the time has come, is here, to face reality. I was slowly slipping back into the black hole...  have slipped.... and so back I went to the doctor today and renewed my prescription for my antidepressants.

I am also off work for a couple more weeks to allow a little more time for healing in my foot and I have to admit to an immense feeling of relief over this. Yes, it will create some new financial stress as we go without my paycheck but we'll survive this. God is in control and He will make a way.

I was wearing this necklace at the doctors office today and I added "I can do all things through Christ... and Wellbutrin!" and we had a good chuckle. I am glad I can joke about it and I am glad that I can accept my limitations with some grace.

jammie day

allergies +
fibromyalgia flare ups +
wee bit o' stress +
lack o' sleep (owing to the above) =
sick day.

some days though, we just need to take a jammie day and run with it. with the endless rain coming down, this seems like a good day to do that.

one week and a day

I've been at my new job for a week and a day. This job is proving to be much more physical than what I bargained for. Of course it is the Season.... of Shipping. Lots and lots of packages, big, small, heavy, awkward, and all requiring handling of some sort. There are lots and lots of repetitive motions that require my poor right shoulder to be agile... which it's not. I don't know if I've said this before but I have had surgery for torn rotator cuffs on BOTH of my shoulders. The right one in 2002, the left in 2005. Then the summer of 2009 I Re-tore the right one. And the left one has slowly gotten to the point where I suspect it's re-torn as well. We don't have insurance but even if we did I am not sure I'd have surgery again. I would have to baby these shoulders regardless of surgery or not and the recovery for those procedures hurts more than just about anything I've ever experienced, short of giving birth!!

Anywho.... my feet hurt from being on them all day, which I am hoping a new pair of shoes will ease that discomfort. My back aches but mostly I suspect from needing better shoes as well. But I come home from my 5 or 6 hours of work and I am WIPED OUT. I LIKE the job though. I like the quietness of the motions I go through, sorting the mail to the route carriers and the post office boxes. I like that when it gets too quiet there are nice co-workers to chat with for a few minutes. But I don't have to be "ON" all the time like I would if I was constantly dealing with the public. It's a good job, a good position. So, I want this job to work out. I just don't know if my body is going to hold up!

I have this week to complete and then I have 2 weeks of adventure ahead. Our small group is going to Leavenworth WA for the weekend, for the Christmas Tree Lighting Event. Leavenworth is a beautiful Bavarian Themed city east of the mountains and every year they put on a Christmas Extravaganza with carolers and lights and other fun events. I am excited to be going (first time ever!) and especially to be going with our small group. We are going to stay the night at Tall Timber Ranch (our church camp that I'm sure I've mentioned before). It will be a fast fun weekend and then we come home Sunday night and the packing begins. Mon. and Tues. is all about getting packed up for the Mission Trip to Costa Rica!!!  It's amazing to think back to when this was just an idea being kicked around back in Feb. or March but now, the time has arrived for it to happen!!

Today I need to just take a deep breath, and focus. Get through each day, get through this week. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

OH! My Aching...

Back?
Shoulders?
Neck?
Hands?
Feet?

How about all of the above?

While the brain is slowly taking in all there is to learn about receiving, sorting and delivering the mail, my body has already exceeded its goal in making every part of me question the sanity of taking on this job. I absolutely need new shoes, of this there is no doubt. I don't scrimp when it comes to good foot wear and I have some name brand shoes in my small collection, because of prior problems with Plantar Fasciitis. However it's been a  l-o-n-g time since those were purchased and a lot of mileage has accumulated on the treads. New shoes require a paycheck though and it will be awhile before that first paycheck arrives. Plus the fact that Bruce and I are scrambling to raise the rest of the money we need for our mission trip (about $1000 --- and we leave in a little over 2 weeks!) and with all the other fun little surprise expenses that have come our way... well.... you get the picture!


But despite the aches and pains and deer-in-the-headlight looks on my face from time to time, things are starting to gel. YAY! I am blessed to be working with some nice co-workers and the work itself isn't so demanding that there isn't time to occasionally chat and get to know one another a bit better. Plus, as I find myself getting more and more into the grove when it comes to sorting the mail for the postal boxes, I have been able to PRAY OVER THE MAIL.

Bruce and I, along with friends from church have often gone up on the mountain that overlooks our town to pray for our community.  these were taken earlier this year -- a  great hike with great view of our little town. 

Having lived in my community now for 16 plus years, and with the added bonus of having driven school bus for the local school district and all my connections because of my prior ownership of Curves, I recognize many of the names of the box renters. And it's a privilege to offer up a prayer for those folks as I tuck another letter in their box. Even the people I don't know are going to get prayers. Ha ha! I'm not saying this to brag on myself, oh no! I just am tickled that my job does still give me a way to do ministry! And, you know what my biggest prayer is???

A REVIVAL!!!! Yes, I am praying for a revival for this area. For people to feel the tug of the Holy Spirit on their lives and to turn their hearts towards Heaven and fall in love with Jesus.

I'm also praying for my body to hold up. Now, where's my heating pad?

Chicken Noodle Soup

Isn't it amazing how quickly a head cold can come on and render you useless? I watched my poor husband come home last night saying he felt a little tickle in his throat. I scrambled for the Airborne but by the time he had tumbled into bed I could tell he was feeling miserable. Sounding miserable too. This morning it's full blown congestion , sore throat and the need for sleep more than anything else. We're drinking our Airborne together now so that I don't catch it and I think some homemade chicken soup is on the menu for today.

Keep warm, keep healthy friends. The 'season' of nasty has begun!!

Autumn Recap

you all know by now that  I love fall! The crispness of the season, that sweet aroma drifting in through the open bedroom window as I fall asleep. The Kodachrome of colors on my mountain, that first pumpkin spice latte of the season (I refuse to drink pumpkiny drinks till the first day of fall-- had mine yesterday and it was scrump-delicious!)

**

Yesterday was a bittersweet day however, even as I did celebrate Autumn's official arrival by getting my latte. Yesterday was the memorial for our friend Michael. What a tribute! Have you ever attended a memorial service that was almost pure Worship? Where people were clapping their hands and CHEERING as they sang? The JOY that filled the place was overwhelming!! The lump in my throat competed with the tightness in my chest and I clapped so hard my hands tingled. We listened to his children and siblings pay him homage and cried with Catherine, his bride of nearly 16 years, as a letter she had penned was shared. Oh, it was hard. It was sad. But it was joyful! How do you explain such joy in the face of such sorrow? Only because of the HOPE we have in Jesus Christ.

**

Last night my husband and I sat and talked about faith. He credits me with a strong unshakable faith and I believe this is a gift God has given me. I've been through my share of heart ache and tough times but my faith in God is firm. I don't know why I have been given this gift but I do see it as exactly that. Despite the financial hardships we have faced, and continue to struggle with, I see God's Sovereign Hand on us and our situation. Faith doesn't come as easily for my husband and I pray for him to be granted extra faith and for it come easier to him.

**

I curled up in blankets last night and watched the fire burn in our woodstove as I drank hot tea, and sucked on throat lozenges. I could feel the aches and pains coming in stronger like the tide and my throat constricting. I was sniffly and sneezy and sleep was a welcome reprieve. I woke up early this morning, stuffed up and woozy headed and slothed my way downstairs for more Airborn. I don't wanna be sick!!

Hubby went on to church without me this morning and I watched church on the live-feed and felt nourished. I am feeling clearer headed now and less achy. I have learned to give in at the first sign of a cold, and soak up as much sleep and Vitamin C as I possible can and you know what? I usually kick whatever little bug is threatening me in the behind before it has a chance to roost. The sun, pale and thin, is still promising this day to be pleasant. It's the kind of day for wearing sweaters and socks but it's still a day that begs us come outside. We had originally had plans to host a small group fall kick off mini retreat but we had so many of our couples cancel that we canceled it as well! Which means this afternoon is a GIFT as we now have an open slot for an unplanned event! And if I feel strong enough we are going to take advantage of this opening and go play!!!

May you be blessed in the day~~ and my FAITH be granted unto you as well as JOY HOPE and LOVE.

Sits With Sunglasses

the poke in my eye with the sharp edge of a piece of paper has done nothing for my attitude the last couple of days. I can deal with a lot of things, including pain,  but ongoing pain, especially in the eye, is almost too much. thankfully our eyes tend to heal fast but I have found being outside, where moving air and light are strongest, is too much. Even starting at the computer screen adds strain to my poor eye. It's been an uncomfortable two days. I am sitting in the my house, wearing my sunglasses, administering eye drops every couple of hours and alternating Ibuprofen with Tylenol to try and manage the pain.

it's not working all that well.








On the lighter side of things, I did manage to be productive with a HUGE box of produce hubby brought home the other night. Beans and more beans stacked the bottom of the box, along with several over sized zucchini, some heads of romaine, a passel of carrots, rutabagas and onions and some snap peas to top it off. The first thing I did was sort it all out on my back deck. There were 3 types of beans so I sorted the yellow from the green and the re-sorted the yellow as there were skinny ones and fat/flat ones. From sorting came snipping, followed by washing. Finally they were ready to be blanched and frozen. I prefer freezing over canning and I don't have a pressure cooker anyway. But my freezer has limited space so it was a jigsaw puzzler's challenge to make it all fit!! Along with all the luscious berries and corn on the cob that has gone in in weeks previous, getting in my freezer is a little daunting. But we'll eat well this winter. And some of those berries will be coming out in the next few weeks for jam making. Yum!

I have not  heard anything from the Post Office. I debated contacting them and decided I would wait until Monday, which would make it exactly two weeks since I got my letter with the news of the job. I do recall the man who I met with saying that there was other paperwork shuffling that was taking place in another part of administration and there was no 'usual' time frame to quote me as to when I might hear more. But he seemed confident that I would hear something by that week's end.... and nothing happened. Meanwhile, I have enjoyed this week with no thought of going to work, other than wondering when it would happen.

This week had it's highlights, that is for certain. Monday was the lunch with the girls from high school-- still sighing with delight over that one. Not rushing anywhere all week has been a gift, even if we had monetary setbacks and stresses. Yes, even the pain in my eye cant compete with the peace of knowing God's in charge of ALL THINGS.

my sister and I at the Columbia River, fall of 2010

One more thing I want to mention to wrap up this week.....

A very fun thing I had had the pleasure to be a part of, is helping my SISTER create her own blog!! Using skype to connect and tutor her on blogging has been satisfying and I am just delighted with her launching out this way. You will find her theme of light quite illuminating, if you'll pardon the pun ;) I am sure she would welcome a visit so feel free to pop over to AniLouMinary and take a look.



Have a marvelous weekend friends!

and the coffee grows cold

I can't drink it.

This is the saddest post ever I am sure but for several days in a row, a strange thing has occurred. I can't drink my coffee. I am plagued with heartburn, which was brought on by the prescribed prednisone, which was needed to counter-act the hives that broke out as a reaction to the ant bites. I am living off of tums, yogurt and acid reducing medication. Just the smell of coffee starts twisting my gut right now. And itching? Oh yes, still, after more than 2 weeks, the little bite marks on my foot and ankle are still making me insane!! the hives are gone, thank God, but I still itch where the original bites took place. So I am still ingesting Benadryl on a regular basis and applying topical anti-itch cream.

And then my toilet broke.

It's Robyn and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

But, and I mean this, I will NOT let the enemy steal my JOY. I am a Child of God and the enemy cannot touch me.

It is comforting to know that JOY comes from a place that has nothing to do with circumstances. Happiness might, but JOY comes from a deeper well, a well that is filled by the Spirit of the Living God.


I found this verse this morning (with my own paraphasing added.....) in Romans 14:17:

for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking,(coffee)  but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.

So, I will persevere. This allergic reaction will eventually subside. The toilet will eventually get fixed. and hopefully, soon, the *joy* that I usually experience over my morning cup of java, will return. 

meanwhile.... my cup of coffee sits untouched and I need more tums. 

cold shoulder, sore shoulder

Yesterday, it seemed, was about the shoulder.

it was Wednesday, the day I usually spend with mom. She had a doctor's appointment, then we planned to get lunch and hit a few other places for sake of 'the list'. What has happened to customer service?

The women who work the desk at the doctors office seem to have forgotten how to smile. To say good morning. To care. It takes so little effort really to turn the corners of our mouths UP and offer some pleasant exchanges. Perhaps I am more aware of this common courtesy since going back to work at Curves where part of my job is all about servicing the members.

The hostess who took our money at the lunch buffet did not meet our eyes. She did not welcome us or greet us in any way. She looked at us with a flat expression except for pursed lips, told us how much the total was and did not even say thank you when we handed over the money. I tried unsuccessfully to engage her but she was seemingly uninterested.

I should point out that at both the doctors and the restaurant we were the only people there. It's not like it was a busy, hustling bustling place.

There seems to be be less store employees on the floor in the large stores, making it harder to ask for help. Mom and I wandered around trying to find products and hoping to find a store clerk who might point us the in the right direction.

I guess we were invisible. 

At the last place I shopped yesterday I waited for a dressing room to try clothes.  Again, I tried making eye contact with the young lady who was working behind the counter but she seemed quite consumed with something on her counter. I have shopped this store before and have usually been offered the bathroom as an alternative dressing room when the dressing rooms are occupied. Perhaps this young lady thought I was a new store mannequin draped with several sale items because my presence was never acknowledged.  Yet when I finally slipped into a dressing room, as I tried on my selected clothing, I heard the sales girl offer the bathroom as a back up dressing room to another customer who was waiting.

Interesting!

Later, as I shared with my husband about my tiring day, the lack of customer service, and as I whimpered over my very sore shoulder, which had decided to act up ALL DAY LONG, hubby offered me some words to consider:

Perhaps God is trying to teach us something about humility. About learning to get along with out the need for acknowledgment or words of affirmation.  Words of Affirmation are so vital to most of us. Well, it is certainly my husbands love language and while I may not claim it as mine, I definitely feel injured when affirmation is not forthcoming. 

Perhaps we are being given opportunities to give with out receiving anything in exchange. And to not be defined by these things. Just because we are treated as invisible does not mean we ARE. We should not let these things feed our self esteem.... feed the LIES that the enemy wants us to swallow. Maybe these are the times where really SERVING Christ comes into play. After all it is easy to serve someone who appreciates it but serving someone who treats you with disdain or indifference? That is when we get the opportunity to really SHINE the Light of Christ.

As it says in Matthew 5, if we love only those who love us, what reward is there for that? If we are kind only to our friends, how are we different from anyone else? As a Christ follower, I have a higher calling. To love as Christ loves. To love regardless of circumstances.

Regardless of cold shoulders or sore shoulders. 

Friday Funk

Used to be Fridays were fun and fabulous! Date night loomed on the horizon, the beginning of the weekend. But I have to go to work in a few precious hours and I will work Sat. morning too. There won't be much time to play this weekend. Even date night seems like a stretch as by the time I get home tonight and think about dinner, I will be too tired to care about anything.

We actually have tentative plans to do a date tonight though. Our local high school is holding it's annual Community Talent Show. Always fun and entertaining. (I even participated in it a few times several many years ago-- I sang) So we talked about walking over there this evening after I get home. We'd just make it if we skip dinner. I would really like to go. It's a way to connect with the community that doesn't happen any other way. And the talent, while mostly raw, is often also surprising. Plus I get to hold hands with my honey while we walk to and from the school auditorium and we can nudge each other in the dark and whisper little secret jokes to each other as we watch the performances. I'd say we are a little overdue to a night out together.

Yesterday was a pretty crummy day. I was hit with a wave of pain and fatigue that had me slouched in my chair all day long. It was National Pajama Day at my house. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 10 years ago and the last few years have been really good years. Very little pain, very few days of suffering and being unable to participate in *life*. Going off gluten and keeping active and on regular chiropractic visits have all done a lot towards keeping me in good shape. So I don't know what brought this episode on but it was a doozy. It hurt to move, it hurt to sit still. I was overwhelmed with fatigue and then the IBS kicked in. Not a pretty day. I did manage a shower around 3 and the hot water and steam was a relief. Made myself walk to the post office after that because I know that I have to keep moving or I will be in even worse shape the next day. Uggh. what a day.

Today is better. I was able to walk for 30 minutes this morning in the sunshine. I remembered to take my Vitamin D and wonder if the forgetting to take it for several days had anything to do with this flare up. I don't know.  Soon I have to leave for work and I despair over the thought of being cheery and interactive with everyone. I pray for a slow afternoon so I can continue to regain my strength and energy.

Not an exciting post today. Just a place to exercise my thoughts. And if hubby reads this before tonight, I am really looking forward to a date with you!! :)

prayers for today

Psalm 30:2  LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. 

A dear friend who has been battling Lymphoma is having the Bone Marrow Transplant today! If you would lift up a prayer (or two or three) today I know it would mean a lot to Mike and Catherine and to me.

to learn more about his journey you can read about it here


meanwhile, I am so thankful for God answering my prayers... my back is much better today. however, we will not be vacuuming, mopping or doing any other vigorous cleaning today even though our small group meets at our home tonight....
we will be meeting in a candle lit room...

ouch

sure, just as I get back in the habit of going to the gym to work out (5 x since last week.) I put my back out. stupid. stupid. stupid.
I woke up with a stiff neck and that was a hassle but it wasn't stopping me from doing stuff. but something went 'ping' in my lowback this afternoon and it wasn't good.
so for now I am laying on my bed, pillows all around ...
legs elevated. check.
heating pad. check.
blanket. check.
ibuprofin. check.
laptop. double check. because maybe now I can catch up with everyone's blogs.