it comes in whispers, it comes in shouts

We all have one.
The voice inside our head that tells us things.
You know the one...

you look fat...
he doesn't really love you....
they think you are weird.....
you aren't welcome here...

Sometimes its a subtle little whisper. 
Sometimes it's loud, drowning out the voice of reason.
Sometimes it's an annoying echo in your head, or worse, a damaging dose of poison in your soul.

It sneaks up on you, when you are alone in your room, in front of the mirror. Those pants that looked so good on, in the dressing room mirror don't look as great in the privacy of your own room, where doubts live.

It attacks you in the middle of a party when you see your life partner engaged in conversation with the vivacious hostess.

Insecurities rise up  when you begin to engage in a discussion on biblical truths, insecurities that remind you of your lack of training, your lack of experience and your ridiculous ideas.

Regardless of how much weight you have lost, how many times he has said he adores you, and how hard you studied to prepare, regardless of how many times you have faced this battle and felt victorious, the voice in your head won't stay silent.

The thing we have to understand is that the voice in your head is lying. 

The truth is, the voice in your head isn't your voice--- it's the enemy's and we can choose not to listen.
The truth is, we live in a world fraught with evil. But Jesus has overcome the world.
The truth is our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark world, and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
And because of Christ, we fight, not for victory but from victory.

A couple of days ago, in my ladies bible study, we began to share some of the lies that prey on us. Those accusations that come from some deep seated insecurity... you are such a bother, you talk too much, you are stupid, you have nothing of value to contribute. 

Even as we shared and joked about these statements that we knew deep down are LIES, it was amazing to realize how much power they often have over us.

All of us gals are at an age where we've become pretty comfortable in our own skin. We've made peace with our shapes and our looks and if the mirror doesn't exactly give off a glowing review of how we look today, we shrug and say "Oh well!" and we go out anyway.

But the lies that attack us in our core, the ones that try to shake our confidence that we have anything of value to offer to the world? Those seem to be harder to shake off.

In this Captivating book study, we've looked at the wounds that have broken our hearts and at the ways in which our Heavenly Father wishes to heal those hurts. We've worked on letting Him have access to the broken places so that healing can take place and we are all making positive steps towards deeper healing. Still, the attacks continue and it is why we are commanded in scripture to Stand Firm and keep on standing firm. Don't back off, don't let down your guard.

It's an process. An ongoing one.

But....
For every whispered lie, Jesus whispers, "You are mine. I love you."
For every loud accusation, Jesus reminds me, "I am with you. You are precious to me."
For every damaging echo in  my soul, He counters it with, " Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine."

These reminders, these assurances come in a myriad of ways.... through scripture,books, music, through His creation, and quite possibly through a trusted friend.

Sometimes it come in whispers. Sometimes it come in shouts.

But always, if we will look for it and then listen, the truth comes.

Been There, Done That!

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. 

You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56.8

This Captivating study I am doing is powerful. Each week is building upon the week before. As we go we are also building trust within the group, the ability to open up and share from our hearts becoming less threatening. Last week we cracked the box wide open as we each took a turn sharing our stories. Now, granted, just one of us could take a few hours to tell our life story-- and being there are several of us, and our group time doesn't allow for that, a condensed version was told by each participant; the focus being where or how the wounds of our heart came to be.

I know, I know, this just doesn't sound like fun. Do we really need to re-visit those places of injustice, cruelty, abuse? What if there isn't a deep wound from something that extreme? What if it was just a lifetime of small things; being treated with indifference or being let down by someone significant in your life. The sad reality is, it's just not possible in this world we live in to make it into our adulthood without something or someone inflicting pain on our impressionable souls. We all have a wound. Still..... do we really need to do this?

Jesus said that he came to heal the sick and set the captives free*. Regurgitating those stories of hurt isnt so we can have a pity party or wallow in depression, but to prepare us for a deeper healing from God. As we heal, the capacity to let love in becomes greater. Bringing things into the light releases us from the power of the dark. But... yes, sometimes the journey to light is painful.

I know this.
First hand.

Working through my years of trauma -- from the sexual abuse in my younger years, the dysfunctions in my family, to the domestic abuse as a young woman, oh, yes, I have been there. I can say with all conviction that the journey through the pain was worth it. I have come out on the other side, with rejoicing. God did a mighty work in my heart and soul, binding up the broken places, making me whole, perhaps for the very first time. I am, now and forever, so grateful for what He has done.

Being healed, being whole, that is my deepest desire for other women who've been hurt. If sharing my story helps even one woman gain courage, encouragement, hope, then it is so worth revisiting the past.

The beautiful thing I am discovering  is that I can tell my story without falling apart. I still feel emotional as I tell it; I'm not skimming over the top. I'm being authentic. But I'm not reliving it. Neither am I telling it as if it happened to someone else, feeling far removed from it. I'm telling it from the unique perspective of knowing how the story ends, and the ending is filled with joy!

I also know that for all the healing I have experienced, there is always room for more. Because we live in a fallen world, new hurts get inflicted every day. And some of us gals have mighty big backpacks in which we gather up those bad experiences and stow them away. I find my shoulders getting tired and my heart weary and I know it's time to empty my backpack again. I have discovered, happily, that over time my backpack has gotten smaller. It's more like a little fanny pack really. I can't carry as much before I recognize I don't like the feeling that the burden brings. I am quick to release it to God and move on. I like that feeling of freedom!

So, each week as I meet with these ladies and we bare our souls, I understand a little better my place in this group: I have a story to tell that someone else might identify with and not feel so alone. And I have a story of redemption to share that might give someone hope.

Some of us aren't there yet. Some of us are in the midst of our healing, some of us haven't even begun to scrape the surface. Some are still in denial and some are still trapped in it. But for those on the journey, or about to take the first terrifying step, know this: God is with you.



*"The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free." Luke 4;18 NLT

Facing Your Fears

Last night was Date Night for my sweetie and me. Because the key word in date night is frugal, we were thrilled to find a FREE activity happening at our local library.  A young woman from the Bellingham area was sharing through words and slides, her record breaking experience of hiking the entire Pacific Crest Trail last summer. She set a new record for how quickly this hike has ever been done but that wasn't the reason hearing her talk piqued our interest. I had recently completed the true-life story "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed, another epic adventure of a hiker on the PCT and as I have stated in previous posts, hiking the PCT isn't on my bucket list, but there is a fascination for me with hearing about others who have accomplished this daunting and thrilling task. So going to hear Heather Anderson share about her experience was something both Bruce and I were instantly drawn to.

Heather said one of the goals of her trek over this hike was to face down two fears. Because she was going for a record breaking time she knew she'd have to hike into the dark hours each day and so that was fear #1, hiking at night, and fear # 2; mountain lions/cougars. She encountered not just one, not just two, but SEVERAL mountain lions during her two month hike and she did cover a lot of ground after the sun went down. She conquered both of her fears. She said the night hiking has a beauty all of it's own and as for the lions, she barked and yelled and acted bigger than them and it worked. I can only imagine how accomplished she feels. I know the measure of joy I feel when I face down a challenge and rise above it.

The PCT, if you are not familiar, is the famous trail that stretches from the Mexican border to the Canadian border. Over 2600 miles that forges over mountain ranges, sloughs through dessert, and thrills all the senses as it does so. At least, that's what I gather from reading others accounts. I wouldn't know personally; I've never hiked any of the PCT although my husband has done a couple of short sections in Washington State. As I said, I have no burning desire to hike the PCT, at least not the whole thing! I have no burning desire to even do an overnight hike, preferring my treks into the wilderness to be contained to at the most an all day adventure, free from bugs and extreme temperatures. But I am interested in facing my fears.

It's interesting to note that my ladies small group recently started the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge and some topic of discussion has been about fear. Not so much about fears such as being afraid of the dark, or fear of spiders, etc, but more along the lines of. what is that deeply rooted fear that drives me in my sin patterns.

Yes. Sounds like a lot of fun to go digging after doesn't it?

Probably a fear most women have in common is that of not being loved. Accepted.  Not feeling wanted or needed. Of not being found with beauty. The question/comment in the study guide that made me the most uncomfortable this week was: Underneath our sin is a deep fear. What are you most afraid of? 

As I mulled this over all week I finally came up with this realization; I  fear not being accepted. I find that when I am treated with an air of dismissal, when someone doesn't  fully acknowledge me, or my offering is treated with disrespect, I shut down. My wall of defense goes up, I retreat and I withhold myself. It's out of protection to be sure; my battered heart will only take so much. But I realize that in that pattern of protection lies the fear of "this might happen. this is going to happen."  and it sets me up to raise the wall of defense before it is ever needed. As a result, I withhold some of myself before it's ever proven that there is a need. I short change others in our exchanges because I don't trust. I wont risk.

To be sure, these modes of protection can be a good thing. A necessary thing. But it's also very tiring. And what about when the people I don't trust or the situations that I don't want to risk, are the very people and things that God has brought my way for the very purpose of facing those fears and being set free?

Hmm. Food for thought. Something that I am pretty sure will be delved into in depth over the course of the next several weeks. Stay tuned....