With Time to Ruminate

I have been mulling it over in my heart all week. This thought about the glass being half full or half empty. About what's in my cup. About loving fully, no holding back. About serving without any expectations on a return for my investment. About 'doormat'.

Probably the word I struggled with the most was that last one. After more mulling, praying and discussing, I think I have reached the place of understanding that 'doormat' as Oswald Chambers uses it, means to serve without any thought of being noticed. I don't think it means to be walked on/walked all over/misused. I think it really means having a servant's heart.

The servant is probably the least noticed person in any given situation. When I dine out, I don't really want a chatty waitress. I just want my food. I'm not saying this to be snarky. If you wait on me in a restaurant and approach my table with a big smile and tell me your name and that you will be taking care of me this evening, I won't be offended. I won't be striking up a conversation with you though either, because, I came here to enjoy dinner with my companion and we'd like to be alone now please. But some people might not give the wait staff a second thought. Ever notice how in the movies conversations don't necessarily come to a halt just because the waiter comes by? That's the kind of going unnoticed, unappreciated kind of service I think being a doormat means in this reference.

I'm OK with that. It's not my strong suit, I'll grant you. I like to be noticed and acknowledged.  I get a little grumpy when I work hard for someone else and barely garner a thanks. So, this is probably also an area I need to work on. Because, as it says in Ephesians 6.7: Work with enthusiasm, as though you are working for the Lord, rather than for people. And again in Colossians 3.23: Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord, rather than people. If it is what the Lord asks of me, to serve where He calls me to serve, to work where He needs me to work, I should respond, willingly, whole heartedly and without any expectations of reward.

My pride wrestles with that I guess. Just as I have tried to protect certain areas of my heart and wrestle with the idea of full surrender no matter what the cost, I will wrestle with this one.

I used to have a button back in Jr High School that said "Please be patient. God isn't finished with me yet." I could use that button now. I may be over 50 and have probably used up over half of my life, but I'm still a work in progress.

it comes in whispers, it comes in shouts

We all have one.
The voice inside our head that tells us things.
You know the one...

you look fat...
he doesn't really love you....
they think you are weird.....
you aren't welcome here...

Sometimes its a subtle little whisper. 
Sometimes it's loud, drowning out the voice of reason.
Sometimes it's an annoying echo in your head, or worse, a damaging dose of poison in your soul.

It sneaks up on you, when you are alone in your room, in front of the mirror. Those pants that looked so good on, in the dressing room mirror don't look as great in the privacy of your own room, where doubts live.

It attacks you in the middle of a party when you see your life partner engaged in conversation with the vivacious hostess.

Insecurities rise up  when you begin to engage in a discussion on biblical truths, insecurities that remind you of your lack of training, your lack of experience and your ridiculous ideas.

Regardless of how much weight you have lost, how many times he has said he adores you, and how hard you studied to prepare, regardless of how many times you have faced this battle and felt victorious, the voice in your head won't stay silent.

The thing we have to understand is that the voice in your head is lying. 

The truth is, the voice in your head isn't your voice--- it's the enemy's and we can choose not to listen.
The truth is, we live in a world fraught with evil. But Jesus has overcome the world.
The truth is our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark world, and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
And because of Christ, we fight, not for victory but from victory.

A couple of days ago, in my ladies bible study, we began to share some of the lies that prey on us. Those accusations that come from some deep seated insecurity... you are such a bother, you talk too much, you are stupid, you have nothing of value to contribute. 

Even as we shared and joked about these statements that we knew deep down are LIES, it was amazing to realize how much power they often have over us.

All of us gals are at an age where we've become pretty comfortable in our own skin. We've made peace with our shapes and our looks and if the mirror doesn't exactly give off a glowing review of how we look today, we shrug and say "Oh well!" and we go out anyway.

But the lies that attack us in our core, the ones that try to shake our confidence that we have anything of value to offer to the world? Those seem to be harder to shake off.

In this Captivating book study, we've looked at the wounds that have broken our hearts and at the ways in which our Heavenly Father wishes to heal those hurts. We've worked on letting Him have access to the broken places so that healing can take place and we are all making positive steps towards deeper healing. Still, the attacks continue and it is why we are commanded in scripture to Stand Firm and keep on standing firm. Don't back off, don't let down your guard.

It's an process. An ongoing one.

But....
For every whispered lie, Jesus whispers, "You are mine. I love you."
For every loud accusation, Jesus reminds me, "I am with you. You are precious to me."
For every damaging echo in  my soul, He counters it with, " Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine."

These reminders, these assurances come in a myriad of ways.... through scripture,books, music, through His creation, and quite possibly through a trusted friend.

Sometimes it come in whispers. Sometimes it come in shouts.

But always, if we will look for it and then listen, the truth comes.

Blessings

I'm confounded and speechless....

My husband leaves in just a couple of weeks on his mission adventure to Honduras. As you may know this has been a real struggle for both of us; me feeling like the timing isn't right plus a whole lot of other reasons to grumble and hold back my blessing, he feeling compelled to go with or without my blessing and finding less than joy at the prospect of answering God's call in the face of this.

It's been a painful process of coming to terms with us being on such opposing sides to something. It's a new and uncomfortable place to be for us. We've never encountered this sort of situation in our relationship before. We've pondered what God is doing here, with this situation, with us, and have not come up with any clear answers. We've decided to move in faith as we always have, regardless.  I have been awash in emotions and thoughts. My stance wavers as I question why I feel so fearful over his going.

Originally my biggest objection was finances. Now, I have a strong belief in the quote by Hudson Taylor: God's work done God's way will never lack God's resources, and we've seen this played out each and every time we've made the commitment to go on a mission trip. But we still make a sacrifice for the weeks of wages lost when taking time from work to go.... we always pull though but this time I felt like it was reckless, foolish and irresponsible to go. We'd just come back from a 2 week stint in Costa Rica, and were enjoying some financial stability for the first time in a very very long while. I didn't want to rock that boat!

My other objection was that Bruce seemed to arrive at the decision to go without fully bringing me into the discussion. (never a good idea) We worked through that issue and resolved it but it still kinda smarts if I allow myself to go there.... Finally my biggest and hardest objection has to do with the fact that he will be gone for 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS. We've been apart for 2 weeks at the longest and that was hard. I am one of those wives who really enjoys her husbands company.... but it is more than that. When I think about his leaving... the fear that rises up in me nearly chokes me. I don't understand this feeling. It scares me to be so scared quite honestly. Like maybe I have something I need to let go of.

Well.... anyway.....emotions be damned, hubby is going.... his tickets have been purchased... and God has once again stepped in and blown us away with his provisions. There has been NO fundraising done for this trip. Bruce had the funds for the airfare and the food and lodging expenses set aside as part of his budgeting since he started the last building project. When I saw this come together I was only partially mollified as I had insisted there also needed to be a way for him to support us in the face of 3 weeks of unemployment.

God is so much bigger than my whiny demanding ways. We learned today that because of some amazing generous anonymous folks, the funds to go on the trip are completely covered... which means the money Bruce had set aside to pay for his trip will go towards the loss of wages during his time away.

Like I said... I. Am. Speechless.

I stared at hubby dumbfounded and confounded when he told me...  My objections wiped out in one clean sweep. I still have my emotions to deal with but I have to believe that the God who works all things together for good will work His way with me.

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

In my last post, I asked myself WHY, if God is so great, He isn't enough for me. What are the things that distract me from making Him my main focus? What is it about those 'other things' that convince me to pursue them instead of finding the fullness of Christ? 

I love the old hymn, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"  but one verse in particular seers my heart with fresh pain when I stop and examine the words and see them play out in my life. 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!

I am so indebted to God's Grace in my life. The word 'constrained' means to be limited, held back, or hindered. I am limited or hindered in my ability to take in the greatness of what God did for me! Perhaps this is in part due to being raised in a Christian environment, asking Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old. I don't have a Gutter to Gospel testimony about being saved from the ravages of life. Sure, I have wandered off the path but I have never forsaken my faith. So, perhaps I have become  a bit lethargic over the years, complacent in my beliefs, lukewarm in my love and passion for Jesus. Perhaps I have grown desensitized to the overwhelming greatness of God's love and sacrifice. This is a tragedy! I don't want to feel cold and apathetic when it comes to God's Love!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

The word 'fetter' means chain, or shackle. To tie up. To have my wandering heart shackled to the goodness of God. What a powerful image. Nobody likes to think about being chained, I'm sure. I remember my mother made a vest for my little brother when he was around 2 or 3. It buttoned down the back and it had an O ring on it. From this she snapped a long light weight rope and attached it to a clothes line that ran the length of our side yard from tree to tree. While she worked in the garden she would tether my little brother to this line and would be able to turn her back on him, allowing him to roam freely as far as the line would allow. She didn't have to worry about him wandering into the roadway, or the cow pasture or anywhere else danger lurked. I used the same thing on my son when he was small. It allowed them freedom in that they could play unhindered to the extent that they were also free from any hazards . I guess I would like my heart to be fettered to God. Shackle me so that I can explore life in the safety net of Christ. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Such an ironic desire. I've been Unshackled from sin and the penalty of sin, which is death, set free to live a life of fullness yet here I am asking to be shackled again only this time to give me more fullness of life. Because I am prone to wandering. I get off the path of righteousness over and over again. I mentioned in my previous post my penchant for overspending. Yes, God set me free from this "addiction" but the danger of falling back into it is always present. I still love to shop---  it's not called retail THERAPY for nothing-- so it becomes really easy to slip into the danger zone. I have to practice restraint. I have to set limits for myself. Even simple things like getting groceries requires me to be disciplined and prayerful. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.... prone to leave the God I love.... yes that's me.... over and over and over again. I am properly chagrined when I examine my actions and even my thoughts.

 Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.... 

To seal something in biblical times was to guarantee it. In 2 Corinthians 1:22, it talks about how Christ put his seal of ownership on us, identifying us as His own: and he has identified us (set his seal of ownership) as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.

And what has He promised us? Eternal life. Sealing it for those courts above. 

So, as I go about my days, and each one will bring more striving and failures as that is the way with my human nature, I will also strive forward, for more of God, less of me. 

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing written by Robert Robinson. You can read a little bit about him and his story here

Too Blessed to Be Stressed

You have heard haven't you that STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS?  Well I am in a baking-cooking mood this weekend so in addition to a little (8 lb) turkey that's going in the oven soon, accompanied by some acorn squash, roasted red potatoes and applesauce, I am also baking up a batch of gingerbread cookies to treat my hard working stressed out man.

Last Sunday we were blessed with the presence of some BIG HAIRY ANGELS who came and spent the day helping Bruce with firewood. Cutting, splitting, stacking-- the whole bit! Whoo Hoo! We heat entirely with wood heat so seeing the woodshed filling back up is both a comfort and a big sigh of relief! Today these good friends are coming back to join Bruce at another location where some really really big chunks (logs) of wood are waiting the same fate. They will get a lot done in a short amount of time I am sure.

It's a real sacrifice in my opinion to give up a Sunday afternoon to help us but these brothers in Christ just love to love! They actually intend to start a firewood ministry in our church to help out those who have no resource for firewood. What a great idea!

Anyway, last Sunday I wasn't feeling so grand and the cupboards were pretty bare so offering those guys a treat when they finished their work wasn't possible. This week we've had payday and shopping happen and I feel ready and able to bless in return.

In addition, I've been reading my blog from a year ago when we were challenged beyond belief with vehicle troubles. It was literally one thing after another, one day right after the other.  I was reminded as I was reading and questioning the What's and the Why's of it all, that sometimes life is just HARD. But in the grand scheme of things, it really is just a BLIP. It's not God punishing us or trying to teach us a lesson. It's just life as we know it here on earth. My job isn't to try and figure it all out, but to persevere in the face of it. To not lose faith. Yes, I admitted yesterday to feeling exhausted from being in crisis mode. That doesn't mean I failed somehow in my belief that God is faithful or providing for me. We all get tired and lose our way occasionally. Sometimes, as a blogger buddy said recently, we lose our SPARKLE.

But give me some down time, some prayer time, some creative writing time and I'll be back up and ready to shine. I have something infinitely better in my future so the things that happen around me are just that: things.


I am storing up treasures in HEAVEN that no earthy prize can ever compete or compare to.

Craftiness.... ???

yesterday as I left the craft store with my little bag of hope, my mother commented  "You get that from me." 

I thought for a moment, of all the hundreds of quilts she has crafted, the clothes she made for my siblings and me and all the grandbabies, for the unique decorations she made over the years and I had to agree. Yes. When it comes to the desire to craft things, it's my mother's genes influencing me.

 As for  the writing gene .... my dad was the storyteller. 

Whether he was spinning a tale from his childhood escapades or thrilling us with a bible story, complete with sound effects and body motions, Dad could tell a story well. 

I guess I never really thought about it before but yes, both my parents had/have a creative flow and it has passed on to my sibs and me. My sister is crafty with both words and art. One of my brothers creates beauty out of cement. Another brother is gifted with mechanical genius as well as offering wise and kind words as needed. 

Last night I sat at my kitchen counter playing with  stickers and painting pen, trying to turn little ceramic tiles into cute refrigerator magnets. I always have high hopes when it comes to arts and crafts but the truth is I can see it so clearly in my head yet my hands often betray me. Which is why I stick to writing. 

Still the craft store woos me. I wander the aisles, lusting after all the dreams and hopes it's bounty inspires me with. I get into these crafty moods in cycles and will drop $20 in a heartbeat if I think it will allow me to turn something blank into something whimsical.  

I sat back after a couple of hours and looked at my "handiwork". 

I am super critical of myself in this area. My sweet husband leaned over my shoulder and applauded what I'd done but I just kept looking and frowning. I don't like my handwriting. I didn't balance things well. I want more/different stickers. I need more ideas for things to put on the tiles.... 

then I stuck my neck out even more by posting some pictures of what I'd done on facebook 

for all the world to see... 

and laugh. 

Oh why do I do this to myself? 

Berate myself I mean. 

This is the sin of self confidence. The ability to see myself in the worst possible light. So quick to find fault with what I've done. So quick to forget that when God made me He smiled. He didn't create me and then sit back and think "I should have put her eyes a little closer together" or "I think I wired her wrong." 

No, I have to believe that I, like the psalmist says,  am fearfully and wonderfully made. That God delights in me... even sings over me, as it says in Zephaniah. 

I suppose as long as I live, this will be the area I will struggle with time and time again. 

 I've certainly BLOGGED about it enough times!! But I can also laugh at myself and not in a harsh way. 

I'll get this, eventually. 

Meanwhile, there are still some blank tiles to play with....

God is on the Mountain!

What a spectacular day here in the Pacific NorthWest. Autumn has never been more glorious. We've been blessed with temps near the 70's which for October, in this area, is so very very rare! Usually we'd be donning rain coats and wool socks about now. Bruce and I are making the most of it by getting out every weekend, spending time together and in the amazing surroundings we are blessed enough to call home.

 Sunday we hiked Winchester Mountain with a young couple from our church-- who are also part of our small group. What a delight. Both the company and the hike. Winchester Mountain is part of the North Cascades Mountain Range.  The jewels of this hike lay at the base of the mountain; Twin glacier fed lakes, deep and rich in color.

The hike is much like the road to get up there-- switchbacks, smooth and dusty in places, other areas are roughed in rubble and more than a little sketchy. As in 'don't look down'. We gained an elevation of about 1300 feet as we climbed through crimson carpets into delicate alpine, all encircled with a rough windswept look. The elevation at the top of the mountain, where the Fire Lookout is, is 6521. The hike is about 3.5-4 miles round trip.

We took our time following the meandering trail. Mike and Julie, our young companions, are fit and trim and could have easily left us in the dust. Respectfully they requested that we set the pace. I hope we didn't frustrate them!! I needed frequent rest stops, to catch my (gasping) breath, soak my parched lips and also to take pictures! Everywhere we looked, especially this time of the year, is postcard worthy.

We took a much needed cookie break at one point--Julie had brought fresh homemade Monster Cookies--and stepped aside often to let other trekker's pass us by. Everyone and their dog was out yesterday-- and why not? Again, it's a rare thing to have such warm dry weather this time of the year and it affords us the time to truly appreciate the rich color schemes so famous for fall.

Our conversation as we hiked was as rich as the scenery as we tackled such topics as science and God. Julie is graduating this month from WWU with her Masters in Geology and while I could never recall all the wonderful information she gifted us with over rock formations and such, it was still a treat to have her share her knowledge. Finding Christians in the science world can be a little rare, Julie told us. We talked about the debatable beliefs of how old the earth really is and how God and the Creation Story fit together with scientific proof of hundreds of thousands of years of existence.

While we certainly cannot claim to have all the final answers, what we did agree on were these simple facts: I am a sinner, I need a Savior. Jesus, son of God, died to save me and I believe it, accept it, and will now live for Him and His Glory. How God created our world and how long it took.... that is challenging and perhaps even fun to discuss but what really matters is how is my heart and my relationship with My Creator? 

As we chewed  our cookies, we also chewed on things like how God is here with us now but He is also past and future. God is down in the valley but He is also at the same time, here on the mountain.

We picnicked at the top of Winchester, breathing in cool crisp air and views of Yellow Astor Butte, Lake Tomyhoi and Tomyhoi Mountain,  American Border Peak and Larrabee Mountain. And of course, towering over all of them, our majestic mountain: Mt. Baker. We paused for pictures and more geological coaching, history lessons and map reading.  And entwined with all of it was our Faith.

We came down with dusty tired feet and legs, sun kissed faces, and empty water bottles. But our hearts and minds were full. Full of memories made and lessons learned. Friendships deepened and our lives spiritually enriched.

You Just Have to Laugh

They say laughing is like aerobics for our insides. I love to laugh. 

I love to feel my insides jiggle and jog and I giggle and snort.

 I am blessed to be married to a man who makes me laugh... 

even when I'm grumpy, tired, or, angry. I mean, look at this face---

just the fact that he would willingly hop in the cart and ride the wild pony ride with me says a lot, but the man totally gets into it!! It reminds me of a time we were vacationing on Lopez Island and we stopped to explore a sweet little church perched a top a hill... and the hill was so perfectly sloped for rolling down that to not roll down it would have been a sin, and who wants to sin in a church yard for heaven's sake?! I said "Let's roll down the hill!" and I really didn't expect or even think he WOULD but he DID. I chuckle just thinking about that day.... (and I wish I had pictures.....)

Well, this has been a week where laughter has saved me. So many things have gone awry. Or not come to fruition. We've been handed some disappointments and frustrations. Faced some uncertainties and been a little afraid. Not that this is anything NEW. Not in our life anyway. Welcome to the New Normal it would seem, to have life be so upside-down. So whaddaya gonna do? It's much better to laugh about it than to stay home and pout. Pity Parties are NOT ALLOWED.

I will admit that I struggle often with self image or self confidence. Too often I have let people or circumstances define me. Finding my self worth in the eyes of other people is dangerous. What if they don't like what I am wearing? What if they don't like ME? During my school years I was defined by the circle of friends I had or did not have. During my 1st marriage I let his abusive behavior define me. I struggled hard to find things to laugh about, believing it was easier to laugh than to cry. And I had learned early on that being a sort of clown gave me some control over how people responded to me. Much better to have them laughing at me because I was funny, then to laugh at me because I was a freak!

As my husband and I were driving to a family function the other day we both admitted to the stress we were feeling before we even arrived, knowing certain people would be present. People who often make us feel like we are gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe. And I was reminded of that quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt about how no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. We started thinking about whether or not we'd been giving people permission to treat us as inferior.... really examining that, and we decided we needed to be more pro-active about not letting this happen.

Ultimately my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I've been redeemed, washed clean, set apart and made whole, holy and blameless as I stand before His Throne of Grace. I need to remind myself of this daily, moment by moment some days. I was quiet that day at the family gathering, preferring to sit and observe and every time the little nagging voice of low self esteem whispered an assault, I was quick to kick it to the curb with the sacred reminder that THAT was NOT who I was. I am accepted. I am secure. I am significant. I am free. It was amazing what reminding myself of this did for me! I felt peace in the day and I found much to laugh about too.

I am really always trying to see my glass as half full. 

I think I do a pretty good job. Yes, I fail occasionally. 

That's what the wine is for.