gas fumes and bread crumbs

On Monday next, Bruce begins his new job! (and everybody gave a loud cheer!!) 

for the past 30 days he's been working for our church in an interim position and it's been a blessing in many ways. Starting Monday, the tool belt gets hung up until the weekend. He'll be working in contractor sales-- working on the other side of the desk. It's going to be different. It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be interesting... its going to be great! 

I said awhile back that I was longing for some financial stability in our lives. Self employment is wonderful even as it is stressful, because of the independence it offers but our economy has not been kind to the small business owner in the past several years. You've heard my woes over these past many many months about how hard it's been to scratch out a living. We are so very thankful for the way God has provided for us both in the lean times and the plenty. 

Despite the steady pay checks coming, it's going to take some time for us to climb out of the hole we've slipped into. It only takes a few weeks of no income to send you down into that pit but it often takes 2-3 times longer to climb back out. 

There have been days when life has felt so overwhelmingly difficult. Unpaid bills, creditors calling to demand what is rightfully theirs to demand, getting by on gas fumes and bread crumbs, physical challenges and emotional stress adding to the already fragile morale.... those are the days I need these reminders:
i am not alone. 
God has not forgotten or forsaken me. 
he gives strength to the weary.
he gives hope to the hopeless.
he offers a yoke that is easy, a burden that is light.
he offers a future filled with hope.
he sends me reminders and it gives me the courage and strength i need to face one more day. 

Learning to trust in Him regardless of my circumstances, remembering that trust is a choice, remembering that my source of security and stability is never in a job or a paycheck or any circumstance of life, but in Him and Him alone; that is what allows me to rise up on wings like eagles, to walk and not grow weary, to run and not faint. 

On Being Thankful

Be thankful.
A simple concept, yes?

Scripture tells me to be thankful over and over again...

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Jesus Christ. 
(1 Thessalonians 5.18)

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever! (Psalm 107.1)

Give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Ephesians 5.120)

BUT... let's be honest....Some days it's harder than others.

My husband is self employed, as you may already know. That means when he's not working, there isn't unemployment to tide us over to the next job. Because the past several years have been incredible lean, there is no cushion called savings to fall back on. And let's be even MORE honest. At our age it's really difficult to find a job working for some other company. (Despite his vast experience they want to hire younger people.) Anyway, I am sure you get the picture. No work means no income. And even though we've been there-done that- (too many times to count) and even though God has never abandoned us (and has surprised and blessed us in amazing ways) it is still quite wearing on our morale when the season of no work hits.

This morning I was reminded of this bible verse: All who are weary, come unto me and I (Jesus) will give you rest. I was also reminded to not worry about anything, but by prayer and petition presents my requests to God. In doing this I will experience peace. Peace that exceeds understanding.

That sounds awesome. I am more than willing to release my burdens to Jesus. I am totally ready to surrender my worries and take up His peace. And I do. But, I still can't pay my power bill or my mortgage.

I still have faith that God will provide. I never doubt that He has His best planned for us. I believe that there is always something going on behind the scenes --sometimes things I will never see or know about-- that will prove God was at work. I know all this yet... navigating these curves is exhausting. These tough lean times are depressing... and to some extent,demoralizing.

I don't need to be reminded to be thankful. I am thankful. Thankful that because my husband isn't working right now he has plenty of time to soak in the Word each morning. Time to focus on home projects. Time for giving his all to men's ministry at church.

I don't think you ever get used to the stresses that these kind of times bring. I can paste on my smile and practice an 'attitude of gratitude' or 'fake it till I make it'. I can refuse to worry and refuse to be fearful  and instead be faithful and faith-filled but it doesn't change the reality of our situation. There's this funny little practice here in America called paying our monthly bills and those entities get a little cranky when you don't follow through with payment. And even though I know that this work gap won't last forever, I also know that it will take us twice as long to catch up.

I often wonder what it is I am missing. As in, I should be learning something from this experience and obviously I haven't gotten it yet because here I am taking the class over again.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this, since I am sure I am not the only person who is going through a similar situation.

I don't want this to be a negative, whiny self centered post. It does sound like it though. Like I said, I'm just really really weary.

Weary, but still, thankful.

Life Has Been....

Time keeps on ticking....whether I come to my blog or not!
Honestly, for a girl who was blogging 3-4 times a week, I sure have pulled back. Not on purpose... just life has gotten so busy-- in a good way-- and I actually FORGOT about my blog now and again!!

Life has been....

memory verses and dissecting of scripture = whew!

Busy...
My role as a small group coordinator for our church has had several weeks of ramping up as we launched several awesome studies.  That includes the small group my hubby and I are hosting, and the ladies study I decided to go ahead with. I felt like a match maker some of the time as I paired people up with small group leaders. Then there's the Precepts bible study I am doing with my sister-- which is still kicking my butt big time, but it is paying off as last night in a convo with hubby I stated my position in Christ (as a victor) in a strong and emphatic way that I have not always fully appreciated. So KUDOS for bible study!!

strong coffee and lots of colored pencils required

Satisfying...
The satisfaction from a job well done. Of gaining a better understanding of my position in Christ. Of growing in patience and grace. God has been refining and re-defining me in the last few months I think. I noticed the other day that some of the people who have long been on my EGR list (that's EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED-- a nice way of saying difficult people) while they have not changed (they are still on that list!) it seems I have...   it doesn't take as much effort for me to negotiate time spent with them. In fact, some of the people who I, honestly, tend to avoid, have logged into a place in my heart that astounds me. Amazing what happens when we submit to Christ and say 'there is no way I can love this person in my own strength, but I know you ask me to, so.... will you help me with this Lord?"

Joy Filled...
Our 17th anniversary came and went and we celebrated in a low key but truly fun way. We took a day trip to Port Townsend and Sequim and despite the rain SQUALL we experienced, we also experienced some truly spectacular views, reconnected with a sweet friend and most importantly, enjoyed our quality time together.

the view at Fort Warden, Port Townsend

My sister and I are also making up for lost time by enjoying many play dates together. In addition to taking the Precepts study together, we've been making applesauce, joy riding and building many new memories while laughing hard enough to pee our pants It's been crazy fun but also very fulfilling.

I have to also say how very very much I am loving the women's small group that the Lord directed me to start. It's a nice sized group of some very dear ladies. Just 5 of us each Tuesday morning. We are doing the same study that Bruce and I are doing in our Monday night small group; The Invisible War by Chip Ingram. It's about spiritual warfare and it's got some heavy stuff! But I love these ladies and the conversation is always lively and educational. I have been amazed at the level of transparency we've been able to move to in a relatively short amount of time. It helps that we already knew each other to some degree so it's not like we were starting at ground zero. Still, opening up and sharing is risky and daring and involves trust. I feel honored and humbled that I was asked to do this and that God is blessing me so richly. I guess this is a perk of being obedient to His call.

Level but not quite balanced...
Emotionally, psychologically speaking, as far as the dreaded depression goes, I feel GREAT. My med's are working and I feel leveled out. Life is calm. Life is stable. Life is good. It helps immensely to be on a regular walking regime and having achieved my goal of losing 20+ pounds has gone a long way towards helping me feel better about myself too!

walking every day. rain or shine.

The off-balance comes only in our personal finances as we once again struggle with the ups and downs of paying work for hubby. Self employment always has its drawbacks, the worst of which is too much time spent working for no pay. He has plenty of work lined up now for the rest of the year and most likely into the coming new year but we are still playing serious catch up for the months prior to this when work wasn't so great. It's tough going much of the time but our God is bigger and we are trusting in Him to carry us through.

So, yes, Life has been: An adventure as always. Rewarding. Surprising. Tense and intense. Never boring, never dull. I am grateful to be walking around with my eyes wide open, taking in every drop of sunshine, every drop of rain, embracing life, loving fully, laughing freely and living faithfully. May you be able to do the same.

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

In my last post, I asked myself WHY, if God is so great, He isn't enough for me. What are the things that distract me from making Him my main focus? What is it about those 'other things' that convince me to pursue them instead of finding the fullness of Christ? 

I love the old hymn, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"  but one verse in particular seers my heart with fresh pain when I stop and examine the words and see them play out in my life. 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!

I am so indebted to God's Grace in my life. The word 'constrained' means to be limited, held back, or hindered. I am limited or hindered in my ability to take in the greatness of what God did for me! Perhaps this is in part due to being raised in a Christian environment, asking Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old. I don't have a Gutter to Gospel testimony about being saved from the ravages of life. Sure, I have wandered off the path but I have never forsaken my faith. So, perhaps I have become  a bit lethargic over the years, complacent in my beliefs, lukewarm in my love and passion for Jesus. Perhaps I have grown desensitized to the overwhelming greatness of God's love and sacrifice. This is a tragedy! I don't want to feel cold and apathetic when it comes to God's Love!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

The word 'fetter' means chain, or shackle. To tie up. To have my wandering heart shackled to the goodness of God. What a powerful image. Nobody likes to think about being chained, I'm sure. I remember my mother made a vest for my little brother when he was around 2 or 3. It buttoned down the back and it had an O ring on it. From this she snapped a long light weight rope and attached it to a clothes line that ran the length of our side yard from tree to tree. While she worked in the garden she would tether my little brother to this line and would be able to turn her back on him, allowing him to roam freely as far as the line would allow. She didn't have to worry about him wandering into the roadway, or the cow pasture or anywhere else danger lurked. I used the same thing on my son when he was small. It allowed them freedom in that they could play unhindered to the extent that they were also free from any hazards . I guess I would like my heart to be fettered to God. Shackle me so that I can explore life in the safety net of Christ. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Such an ironic desire. I've been Unshackled from sin and the penalty of sin, which is death, set free to live a life of fullness yet here I am asking to be shackled again only this time to give me more fullness of life. Because I am prone to wandering. I get off the path of righteousness over and over again. I mentioned in my previous post my penchant for overspending. Yes, God set me free from this "addiction" but the danger of falling back into it is always present. I still love to shop---  it's not called retail THERAPY for nothing-- so it becomes really easy to slip into the danger zone. I have to practice restraint. I have to set limits for myself. Even simple things like getting groceries requires me to be disciplined and prayerful. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.... prone to leave the God I love.... yes that's me.... over and over and over again. I am properly chagrined when I examine my actions and even my thoughts.

 Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.... 

To seal something in biblical times was to guarantee it. In 2 Corinthians 1:22, it talks about how Christ put his seal of ownership on us, identifying us as His own: and he has identified us (set his seal of ownership) as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.

And what has He promised us? Eternal life. Sealing it for those courts above. 

So, as I go about my days, and each one will bring more striving and failures as that is the way with my human nature, I will also strive forward, for more of God, less of me. 

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing written by Robert Robinson. You can read a little bit about him and his story here

Sunday Morning Reflections

It was a good week. 

Thanksgiving was quiet and thoughtful with plenty of all the right things: Family, Fellowship, Food. Hubby and I took a walk before the gathering, along our favorite spot here in Deming. We saw eagles and snow on the mountains above us. It was biting cold but it felt good.

The days after had more of those three important "F's"... my pants feel tighter but my heart feels full.

I was delighted to wake up this morning and find the sky looking like a freshly laundered sheet, flapped open and floating out across the landscape. After days of rain and more rain, catching a glimpse of sunlight is a gift I don't take for granted!

Today, this morning, we have lists to work on....
the countdown till we leave to Costa Rica on our mission trip is beginning and we need to be organized and methodical, practical and dedicated to getting ready,  mentally, physically, and perhaps most importantly, spiritually. We will be meeting with our trip leaders this evening to help finalize our "To-Do" list. I am excited about our trip and the work we will be doing. I am nervous about the unknown but trusting God to carry us through as He always does. This I know: my God is faithful, 100%, and His Faithfulness prevails 100% of the time.