Life Is A Treasure

I just spent a week in Pensacola visiting my daughter and family.It was a long overdue visit (over 4 years) but trips to the other side of the country are not easy to come by. When my daughter and I hatched the idea for me to visit it was back in September and I had no idea how I'd pull it off. But God did. Shortly after I set a visit date of January 2016, I was offered the part time job at Family Christian Store. It was an answer to prayer. Still, it took awhile to save enough funds for the trip, because as soon as I started saving other things came up. Things like a major car repair, an unexpected medical expense, a higher than normal electric bill. In other words, life. Funny how that happens. Still, by Christmas I had the money to buy the airplane ticket.

We had some grand plans at first. A trip to Atlanta Georgia to attend a Women of Faith Conference. A side trip to Alabama to see my son. As the date got closer and reality set in we had to trim things back and then I got an upper respiratory infection that almost made me postpone the trip. It was with a resigned spirit that I boarded the plane last Wednesday. I say resigned because I really was disappointed that the WOF Conf wasn't happening. A visit to my son was probably not possible either and while the Rx was kicking in, I still felt exhausted and wimpy due to all the coughing and sniffling. And did i mention I had laryngitis? But as the plane carried me through the air I thought about how blessed I was to take this trip at all. The whole purpose of the visit was to spend time with my girl. It didn't matter what we did, just that we did it together. As for the laryngitis, didn't God give me the word "listen" for the year? Well, I'm still chuckling over that one because with a raspy voice it was certainly easier for me to let my daughter and grandkids do all the talking while I sat back and just listened!

The week went incredible fast, as vacations are always prone to do. I saw where my daughter works, met some of her co-workers and friends, surprised my granddaughter at school by showing up for lunch, met my oldest grandson's 'friend-girl' (not girlfriend he says) got reacquainted with my step-grands, watched my grandchildren play, took them on a field trip, went to the beach (in spite of very cool temperatures and threatening skies) and went clothes shopping with my girl. In between, we just enjoyed each others company, shared secrets, laughed, cried, and laughed some more.

My grandkids are growing much too fast! The boys are taller than me! Their voices have changed. There's facial hair!! My granddaughter is wearing a bra! In less than 2 years the oldest will be 18 and graduating. For crying out loud! Stop!!

 Life goes on, whether you are watching carefully or not. I've been home for just a couple of days and as always, in retrospect I think of all the things I had wanted to do but didn't. But I look at the pictures of all the things we did do and I recall the conversations that took place and the memories we made. There will be more trips. We'll fly the kids up for visits over the next few summers. We'll skype and text and facebook. It's not the same as having them down the street just 10 minutes away but this is life. It's not perfect but I'll treasure it.

The Summer of '96

in a few short days my husband and I will be gathering in our special place, Tall Timber Ranch, for a reunion of all staff as we honor the retiring camp directors. I worked on summer staff several times and have made life long connections with amazing people-- some of whom I have not seen in about 18 years. Getting ready for the reunion has sparked lots of special memories... this is just one...

A little red compact loaded to the gills, boxes and suitcases precariously stacked, each niche filled with one more thing we could't live without. My almost 15 year old daughter tucked into the front seat beside me, fiddling with the radio, finding only static and finally negotiating a cassette tape from the box at her feet. 

"Not too loud" I made it a suggestion, choosing to ignore the eye roll. We would share a small room for three months and I remember thinking if we didn't establish rules during a 4 hour car ride, the summer was sure to be challenging. I knew it was going to be a challenge regardless. 

For the previous several months she'd been living with her aunt, before that, her dad. My opportunity to work at our church camp for the summer and my invitation for her to join me would provide us a way to try living together again and see if we couldn't make this relationship work. It had been strained since the divorce and that was putting it politely. It was my heart's cry that somehow we forge ahead and build something between us we could honor. 

The job opportunity came on the heels of my recent engagement to the love of my life. We'd been dating for two years and the proposal had happen on a church retreat at the camp. That same weekend I had spied a notice on the camp bulletin board, advertising for summer staff. Working at a church camp, cooking in the vast kitchen appealed to me, so I had taken an application not really sure how that would fit in with any wedding plans I'd be making. With the encouragement of my fiance however, I submitted the application and was delighted when hired. The next step had been to ask my daughter if she would like to come with me for the summer. It was truly an answer to prayer that she'd agreed. 

Tall Timber Ranch is located in the middle of a glacier wilderness area. Bordered by rugged mountain ranges and glacier fed rivers, it had been serving and blessing kids of all ages for several decades. All my previous visits to the camp had been in winter, when snow was often piled to the eaves of the cabins. That year would be both my daughters and mine first visit to it in summertime. We would share a room in one of the lodges, live, work, worship and play in community of other summer staffers, most of whom were college age. 

The first week of orientation and training kept me much too busy to worry about what my girl was up to. Not that there was much cause for worry. Being in the middle of nowhere without any of the worldly distractions, surrounded by some stellar people, it was the perfect place to thrive. 

It wasn't long before she had bonded with several of the college age staff. She helped out in the craft room, volunteered with the primary campers, and celebrated her 15th birthday that summer. She also got to experience being a camper for one week. Some days I barely saw my daughter but I knew she was being loved on, and I breathed thankfulness every day for the quality of people who were impacting her life. She was officially a 'Camp Kid".

The summer flew by, weeks of intense heat, vicious mosquitoes, long days, short nights. Working in the kitchen from early morning till clean up after dinner left me exhausted but grateful for every knot in my aching shoulders. I was part of something bigger than sore muscles or tired feet. Lives were being changed, as some kids met Jesus for the first time, other's experiencing an up close and personal relationship with Him-- something deeper than the flannel-graph Jesus of Sunday School. 

As we approached the end of summer and with a wedding date set for September, I walked with my daughter down to the river. With cool sand beneath us, our toes bracing glacial river flow, I dared to ask what had been surging in my heart for weeks. Did she want to come back home with me? Was she willing to make an effort to be a part of a new family structure? 
Thankful beyond words, I heard her shy answer, "yes." 

The Summer of '96. We met amazing people, people who have stayed in my heart, my memories, and my life forever. Being at Tall Timber with my daughter gave us a place to heal our relationship and grow closer. It was wonderful. Some parents send their kids to summer camp; I took mine with me. 

me with my beautiful girl; she smiles much better now!

 coming next: Summer of '97-- I took my husband to camp!

it's someones birthday

9 years ago today a little girl was born. I met her for the first, and since then, only time, when she was just 7 weeks old. I met her big sister then too, for the first time. I spent 5 precious days soaking up as much cuddles and kisses as I possibly could, not knowing when I might ever have the chance to do this again.
I have not seen these two little girls since and due to circumstances beyond my control, have no way to contact them. I am their grandma but they don't know me.

I don't write a lot, if ever, about the relationship -- or more accurately, the lack of one, that exists between me and my son. He will be 35 this year and it's been 3 years since we last spoke. He was just 13 when I packed up what was left of my spirit and escaped the nightmare that my first marriage has become. My daughter was 10 and she went with me but my son... my son refused. And I didn't push for it. I had no idea where I was going, how I was going to survive or  what the next moment held and I was too fragile to take care of myself, let alone my children. Thankfully good people came along side of me and gave me the strength and confidence I needed to make it through the painful process of establishing safe living arrangements. I counted myself lucky that I had escaped and I was grateful that my little girl was with me. I figured I would be able to bring my son to join us as soon as I was more settled and could convince him that he belonged with me. But he was never convinced. He bought into all his fathers lies and deception and the next several years were full of pain and separation. There were long periods of time-- months that became years, where I didn't know where he was living, what he was doing. I would hear fragments about his life via his sister or other family members... once in awhile our paths would actually cross... but the relationship was broken. Communication was basically nil. Too much time would pass between seeing each other and conversations were always surface based and fringed with animosity (him) and anxiety (me)

Mother's Day was for a very very long time, a great source of pain to me. It's gotten so much better in recent years as the relationship with my daughter has seen much healing and growth. There was even a period of time about 10 years ago when things seemed to be on the mend between my son and I. During that time of seeming stability was when I met my two little granddaughters for the first--- and only-- time. Just a few short years later the marriage between my son and his wife ended and not long after that my son broke off communication with me.... and it has been that way ever since. I learned later that my son lost his parental rights to the girls. Right now I do not know where my grandchildren live or how to contact them or their mother.

I entertain thoughts however, from hiring a detective to find them, and going to see them,  to opening my door some day to find these little blond haired beauties on my front porch saying "hello gramma" in a sweet southern drawl, "we've come to live with you." .... fantasies. little dreams..... sometimes they make me smile and give me hope. other times they just cause my heart to splinter a little bit more.

today is the youngest ones birthday. happy birthday Silver Noelle. This grandma loves you. May you be blessed.

from 2009, sisters Silver and Summer