With Time to Ruminate

I have been mulling it over in my heart all week. This thought about the glass being half full or half empty. About what's in my cup. About loving fully, no holding back. About serving without any expectations on a return for my investment. About 'doormat'.

Probably the word I struggled with the most was that last one. After more mulling, praying and discussing, I think I have reached the place of understanding that 'doormat' as Oswald Chambers uses it, means to serve without any thought of being noticed. I don't think it means to be walked on/walked all over/misused. I think it really means having a servant's heart.

The servant is probably the least noticed person in any given situation. When I dine out, I don't really want a chatty waitress. I just want my food. I'm not saying this to be snarky. If you wait on me in a restaurant and approach my table with a big smile and tell me your name and that you will be taking care of me this evening, I won't be offended. I won't be striking up a conversation with you though either, because, I came here to enjoy dinner with my companion and we'd like to be alone now please. But some people might not give the wait staff a second thought. Ever notice how in the movies conversations don't necessarily come to a halt just because the waiter comes by? That's the kind of going unnoticed, unappreciated kind of service I think being a doormat means in this reference.

I'm OK with that. It's not my strong suit, I'll grant you. I like to be noticed and acknowledged.  I get a little grumpy when I work hard for someone else and barely garner a thanks. So, this is probably also an area I need to work on. Because, as it says in Ephesians 6.7: Work with enthusiasm, as though you are working for the Lord, rather than for people. And again in Colossians 3.23: Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord, rather than people. If it is what the Lord asks of me, to serve where He calls me to serve, to work where He needs me to work, I should respond, willingly, whole heartedly and without any expectations of reward.

My pride wrestles with that I guess. Just as I have tried to protect certain areas of my heart and wrestle with the idea of full surrender no matter what the cost, I will wrestle with this one.

I used to have a button back in Jr High School that said "Please be patient. God isn't finished with me yet." I could use that button now. I may be over 50 and have probably used up over half of my life, but I'm still a work in progress.

it comes in whispers, it comes in shouts

We all have one.
The voice inside our head that tells us things.
You know the one...

you look fat...
he doesn't really love you....
they think you are weird.....
you aren't welcome here...

Sometimes its a subtle little whisper. 
Sometimes it's loud, drowning out the voice of reason.
Sometimes it's an annoying echo in your head, or worse, a damaging dose of poison in your soul.

It sneaks up on you, when you are alone in your room, in front of the mirror. Those pants that looked so good on, in the dressing room mirror don't look as great in the privacy of your own room, where doubts live.

It attacks you in the middle of a party when you see your life partner engaged in conversation with the vivacious hostess.

Insecurities rise up  when you begin to engage in a discussion on biblical truths, insecurities that remind you of your lack of training, your lack of experience and your ridiculous ideas.

Regardless of how much weight you have lost, how many times he has said he adores you, and how hard you studied to prepare, regardless of how many times you have faced this battle and felt victorious, the voice in your head won't stay silent.

The thing we have to understand is that the voice in your head is lying. 

The truth is, the voice in your head isn't your voice--- it's the enemy's and we can choose not to listen.
The truth is, we live in a world fraught with evil. But Jesus has overcome the world.
The truth is our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark world, and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
And because of Christ, we fight, not for victory but from victory.

A couple of days ago, in my ladies bible study, we began to share some of the lies that prey on us. Those accusations that come from some deep seated insecurity... you are such a bother, you talk too much, you are stupid, you have nothing of value to contribute. 

Even as we shared and joked about these statements that we knew deep down are LIES, it was amazing to realize how much power they often have over us.

All of us gals are at an age where we've become pretty comfortable in our own skin. We've made peace with our shapes and our looks and if the mirror doesn't exactly give off a glowing review of how we look today, we shrug and say "Oh well!" and we go out anyway.

But the lies that attack us in our core, the ones that try to shake our confidence that we have anything of value to offer to the world? Those seem to be harder to shake off.

In this Captivating book study, we've looked at the wounds that have broken our hearts and at the ways in which our Heavenly Father wishes to heal those hurts. We've worked on letting Him have access to the broken places so that healing can take place and we are all making positive steps towards deeper healing. Still, the attacks continue and it is why we are commanded in scripture to Stand Firm and keep on standing firm. Don't back off, don't let down your guard.

It's an process. An ongoing one.

But....
For every whispered lie, Jesus whispers, "You are mine. I love you."
For every loud accusation, Jesus reminds me, "I am with you. You are precious to me."
For every damaging echo in  my soul, He counters it with, " Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine."

These reminders, these assurances come in a myriad of ways.... through scripture,books, music, through His creation, and quite possibly through a trusted friend.

Sometimes it come in whispers. Sometimes it come in shouts.

But always, if we will look for it and then listen, the truth comes.

The Facebook Fast

The questions stared up at me from the printed page on my lap. I squirmed in discomfort as I pondered what was being asked. Squirming inside, because the questions struck a nerve. And I knew immediately what the answer was.

Hello, My name is Robyn and I'm a facebook-aholic. It's been 3 days, 2 hours and 18 minutes since my last facebook check in...

Sunday Morning. Sitting in church. Program insert with sermon notes on my lap. Pen poised, I scan the page. At the end of the notes are the questions; Life Application Questions to be exact. The first one leaps up at me, and it doesn't just threaten to bite me, it BITES ME.
1. Identify three areas of your life that take up your time; what are they and what practical changes can you make this week to focus more of your energy on the One Who Is Worthy? 

I started using Facebook back in 2007 and at first it was just an occasional visit. Checking in to see what my friends were up to, maybe post a little status update of my own. It was harmless and fun and a great way to stay connected without overcommitting myself. Everyone was doing it.

Without any hesitation I could easily identify three things that occupied a great deal of my time each day and it wasn't Jesus. Yes, I read from my bible most every day and have some cool stuff, like the bible app on my phone and email devotionals. Just recently my husband and I have started doing our morning bible reading together and then praying together before he leaves for work. I listen almost exclusively to praise music in the car and when I'm at home. I try to say a prayer each time I hear a siren screaming down the highway and I try to offer an encouraging word when I read a distressing post on facebook.... I always feels like Jesus is right there with me.I believe He's walking with me every day.... So really, if Jesus is the air I breathe, like the song says, aren't I always proclaiming He is Worthy?

I've tried justifying my time on Facebook, saying I'm using it as a tool for witnessing and being an encourager. I list prayer requests and I honor prayer requests. I see a need and I step in to help where I can. An occasional game of Scrabble or Words With Friends is harmless too right? It's not like I am doing that hard stuff like Farmville or Crushing Candy. Shoot, I don't even POKE, for crying out loud! ...... OK, OK, so I Bitstrip!! But I made at least one of those cartoons into a Warrior for God witnessing tool!!

Let's be fair. Facebook isn't really evil. It does serve a purpose and it's a good one. It keeps us connected and informed and even entertained.  It allows me to stay connected with my kids and grandkids who live on the other side of the county. None of those things are bad or wrong -- no, on the contrary, they are fabulous and fun and good! But, like all things, it's to be done in MODERATION.  And that is where I was falling down.

Jesus replied: "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to be will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6.35.  I know that Jesus alone can satisfy the hunger inside of us. But I was using other things to fill me up. Instagram, Twitter, Email, even Blogging was a good portion of my day. But, Facebook was the biggest one.

When I got my smartphone and could install all these cool apps I thought it was pretty sweet. Like I said, I had a bible app-- actually TWO bible apps, and being able to take and post a picture right from my phone was really quite awesome! But, it wasn't long before I was checking my phone every minute that I wasn't doing something else. Then it was checking my phone INSTEAD OF doing something else. It wasn't long before I realized I was addicted.

Something inside of me was empty and I was using social media to try and fill it.

From my Sunday sermon notes: Life is full of counterfeit imitations that promise to fulfill. Our only hope is a fierce hunger for the only ONE who can give us what we need. 

Our pastor reminded us of the people of Moses' time, and the 40 years they wandered in the desert. God gave them a miracle every single day.  He gave them manna to sustain them. But He didn't dole out a week's worth every Sabbath. He supplied it fresh, each day. Just enough for that day.

God is still in the manna supply business. Daily. Just enough for today, because that's all we need. Coming to church on Sunday for a fill up is great but it's not enough. God wants daily connection with us. With me. And I need it so much more than I am sometimes willing to admit.

Another probing question on my sermon notes was this: 'AM I ENOUGH FOR YOU ________?" (The 'fill in the blank' presumably for me to insert my name, as in Jesus asking me "Am I enough for you, Robyn?")
I really want to be able to say that yes, He is.

I realize that Facebook may not be an issue for other people but it was/has certainly gotten in the way of other things for me. As I drove home from church I knew that some changes were in order. I  often have said "God's Book before Facebook" but I sometimes broke that rule, and I knew setting a time limit wasn't going to work for me. I needed something serious. Something severe. Something drastic. I needed to take a Facebook Fast. No Facebook for a set period of time so I could re-prioritize my time. I decided to LOG OFF my Facebook account that very day.

This hasn't proved easy for me. My fingers itched to hit the facebook icon on my phone, so I deleted the icon for now. The burning desire to check in and see what's happening shows me that this break is much needed. But during the first two days I twittered more than I have in months and when I instagram, I hesitate-- do I share this on Facebook or not? Would that be considered cheating? But, I realized that in taking this break, I get to make the rules and it's not about how long I stay away from Facebook or even, really, about staying away in the first place. It's about recognizing Priorities. It's about the condition of my heart. It's about how I go about meeting my needs. Like eating or shopping or gambling or drinking to numb the pain or fill a void, when really, it wont.  Where do I go FIRST when I feel lost .... or lonely... or hurting... or sad... or confused... or bored??? I want with all my heart to be able to honestly say, I go to The One Who Is Worthy. The One who gives Daily Bread so I will never be hungry again.

Hello, my name is Robyn and I am in recovery. 

Facing Your Fears

Last night was Date Night for my sweetie and me. Because the key word in date night is frugal, we were thrilled to find a FREE activity happening at our local library.  A young woman from the Bellingham area was sharing through words and slides, her record breaking experience of hiking the entire Pacific Crest Trail last summer. She set a new record for how quickly this hike has ever been done but that wasn't the reason hearing her talk piqued our interest. I had recently completed the true-life story "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed, another epic adventure of a hiker on the PCT and as I have stated in previous posts, hiking the PCT isn't on my bucket list, but there is a fascination for me with hearing about others who have accomplished this daunting and thrilling task. So going to hear Heather Anderson share about her experience was something both Bruce and I were instantly drawn to.

Heather said one of the goals of her trek over this hike was to face down two fears. Because she was going for a record breaking time she knew she'd have to hike into the dark hours each day and so that was fear #1, hiking at night, and fear # 2; mountain lions/cougars. She encountered not just one, not just two, but SEVERAL mountain lions during her two month hike and she did cover a lot of ground after the sun went down. She conquered both of her fears. She said the night hiking has a beauty all of it's own and as for the lions, she barked and yelled and acted bigger than them and it worked. I can only imagine how accomplished she feels. I know the measure of joy I feel when I face down a challenge and rise above it.

The PCT, if you are not familiar, is the famous trail that stretches from the Mexican border to the Canadian border. Over 2600 miles that forges over mountain ranges, sloughs through dessert, and thrills all the senses as it does so. At least, that's what I gather from reading others accounts. I wouldn't know personally; I've never hiked any of the PCT although my husband has done a couple of short sections in Washington State. As I said, I have no burning desire to hike the PCT, at least not the whole thing! I have no burning desire to even do an overnight hike, preferring my treks into the wilderness to be contained to at the most an all day adventure, free from bugs and extreme temperatures. But I am interested in facing my fears.

It's interesting to note that my ladies small group recently started the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge and some topic of discussion has been about fear. Not so much about fears such as being afraid of the dark, or fear of spiders, etc, but more along the lines of. what is that deeply rooted fear that drives me in my sin patterns.

Yes. Sounds like a lot of fun to go digging after doesn't it?

Probably a fear most women have in common is that of not being loved. Accepted.  Not feeling wanted or needed. Of not being found with beauty. The question/comment in the study guide that made me the most uncomfortable this week was: Underneath our sin is a deep fear. What are you most afraid of? 

As I mulled this over all week I finally came up with this realization; I  fear not being accepted. I find that when I am treated with an air of dismissal, when someone doesn't  fully acknowledge me, or my offering is treated with disrespect, I shut down. My wall of defense goes up, I retreat and I withhold myself. It's out of protection to be sure; my battered heart will only take so much. But I realize that in that pattern of protection lies the fear of "this might happen. this is going to happen."  and it sets me up to raise the wall of defense before it is ever needed. As a result, I withhold some of myself before it's ever proven that there is a need. I short change others in our exchanges because I don't trust. I wont risk.

To be sure, these modes of protection can be a good thing. A necessary thing. But it's also very tiring. And what about when the people I don't trust or the situations that I don't want to risk, are the very people and things that God has brought my way for the very purpose of facing those fears and being set free?

Hmm. Food for thought. Something that I am pretty sure will be delved into in depth over the course of the next several weeks. Stay tuned....

Fake It Till Ya Make It.

Recently a friend was sharing with me that she seemed to be walking through a dry desert in regards to her spiritual walk with God. She said she yearns to be hungry and thirsty for more of Him and to feel excited and joy-filled by His Presence. But instead she is feeling lethargic about things... feelings of anxiety and dread seem to rise up as she approaches her place of worship. She doesn't want to feel this way and she is trying to figure out how and why she ended up in this dry and dark place. 

Her comments resonated with me... because too many times I have been in that place. Sometimes it was depression but after some deeper examination what I know is this.

I have learned that during those times of feeling down, discouraged, frustrated or blocked, the first step is to examine my heart and mind. 

1. Is there an unconfessed sin in my life that God wishes for me to deal with? 

Oh, this is the one I don't like very much. I don't usually have to look very far to find it.... but it still isn't much fun. 

2. Is there someone in my life that I might be harboring resentment or unforgiveness towards? 

In the past I had a lot of resentment towards several people. And yes, even now I have to admit there are people in my life who I have (had) issues with and I have had to deal with those-- or rather, allow the Holy Spirit to deal with ME in regards to those!! (maybe I will share how that happened in another post) 

BUT WHAT IF there doesn't seem to be any unresolved issues that are standing in my way of experiencing all the fullness of JOY that comes from being with Jesus? What then?

I have to say, I don't know why we go through these times of feeling far away or feeling less than joy-filled. It bothers me a lot to realize how complacent about Jesus and my faith I sometimes feel.

Just this past Sunday during the worship service at my church I was impressed with a word or two from the Holy Spirit. It has to do with that adage "Fake it till you make it." 

While the Holy Spirit didn't say those words exactly, what He did do was to remind me of some things.

God says for us to have faith. But faith requires action. When Jesus healed people he always issued a command of some sort that required action. When he healed the lame man, he said "Rise up and walk!" and THEN the healing took place as the man obeyed his command. 

I can't think of anytime in scripture where Jesus spoke healing and that person waited and watched the healing take place before getting up and doing his thing. It always took place as the person stepped out in faith. He instructed the man with the withered hand to stretch out his hand. I am assuming that a withered hand would have a hard time stretching but the man did it in obedience and faith and as he stretched it the healing happened. 

This is what I think God wants us to do in the times of feeling down. First, ask Him to give you more joy. Ask Him, as my friend is doing,  to make you hungry and thirsty for more of Him. But then, don't sit and wait for the joy to bubble up inside of you. Start acting joy-full even if you don't feel it. 

Because in the action you display your faith that God is gonna honor your request. It is God's desire that we'd want more of Him so this is a request he will not deny. But I believe it does require us to show action. 

This past Sunday when  I went to church, I didn't feel so great. I had been nursing a sick headache since the day before and I almost stayed home. I also was feeling pretty tired emotionally that morning and the music was too loud and the Pastor was too bubbly and all these people wanted to hug me.... !!!

I was feeling all icky and irritated... and then I felt the Spirit nudge me... and I have learned to honor those nudges otherwise they turn into big shoves... so I responded to the nudge by opening my mouth to sing, raising my hands to praise -- acting in obedience.  Yep, the fake it till ya make it. 

But here's the great amazing thing:  in those action steps, God always meets me! 

That's right.... I didn't have to fake it for very long.

You know what I think?? Don't be shocked but I think God likes to dance and He waits for us to take a step and then He steps and then we step together and soon we are waltzing around the room.  Maybe we even do the jitterbug or boogie!! Whatever. The point is, faith requires action and if we are asking God to fill us with joy, then we need to start acting like that request has been filled. Show our faith in Him! 

Remember good ol' Peter and how he stepped out of the boat to walk on the water with Jesus? He'd never done that before. He didn't know anything about walking on water and how it was done! He just wanted to be with Jesus and so out he leapt. Have you heard this expression (which I love)  "If you wanna walk on water, you gotta get outta the boat!

Faith always requires action. Are you struggling with something in your spiritual walk? Examine your heart. Ask for more of Jesus and then get out there and meet Him! And maybe even bring your dancing shoes. 

A Cup of Joy

all the way to Seattle....

Despite the burly rainstorm we drove through to get here, and despite both of  us lacking a good nights sleep, I woke up this morning feeling comforted with the very real presence of the Holy Spirit and I knew I was going to get through the day just fine.

bright eyed and bushy tail at 6am

Despite the walls being thin  and thinking our neighbors were really elephants-- or perhaps were playing a rousing game of lawn bowling, and despite thinking that a fierce windstorm was raging outside, only to discover how really close to the freeway this motel is located as being the source of the sound of wind, life can't be too bad when you drink your morning joe in a cup like this.

seriously, why don't I have a mug with this label on it??

Orientation was pretty much both what I expected and what I never imagined.

I expected to feel a little overwhelmed by outside stimulation (people, noises, new surroundings) but I never imagined they'd want to take my picture first thing upon entering the building. Oh yah, I can't wait to see my new employee ID Badge after I have run across the parking lot in the driving rain and wind and am still drip-drying in the lobby of the office where I have reported!

I expected to have to fill out more paperwork and be shuffled to a room with all the other new hires but I never imaged we'd spend the first 35 minutes watching an old Abbott and Costello DVD while we waited for the rest of the class (stuck in traffic due to the high volume of wind and rains on the freeway) to arrive.
I'm not kidding. One of our trainers popped in the DVD, reminded us we were getting paid even as we waited and encouraged us to relax and enjoy the time! Too funny!!

I expected that orientation would be an employee handbook and lots of power points, much talk about conduct and legalities, attendance, safety and performance. I never imagined that my instructor would speak with such an accent that I would think he said he was hired to be a Christmas Casserole... something he repeated about a dozen times before I finally understood he was actually saying 'casual' not casserole.... casual is in temp. labor for the holiday mail, not something crunchy and fattening made with Campbells soup.... not that I really thought he was hired to BE a casserole for Christmas but after watching A&C for a half an hour, I really didn't know what to make of this!!

The postal distribution center is Ginormous. It's the largest one on the state. I only got to glimpse a small portion as we walked across it to the training room. there are conveyor belts and little trains hauling boxes and boxes of mail.... there are people riding those adult tricycles with big baskets on them with more mail. It is quite a sight to see and hopefully we will get to see more maybe tomorrow.

I met a woman in the class whose name I cannot pronounce nor can I spell but it is a very very long name and I am not sure of her nationality nor the language but I did learn her name means '70 times 7" any guesses where that name came from? I am quite fascinated with this and would like to have asked her more questions but I will have to figure out a way to do it without making her feel uncomfortable. Although I suspect she must get asked questions a lot about her name. It has about 28 letters in it and even though she said it 3 times i can't wrap my tongue around it.

Finally, after training Bruce and I stopped at a little corner store for coffee filters and my eyes fell on some books the proprieter had on his counter.... all of them had great titles and I recognized at least 3 books by Lee Stroble. (The Case for Christ among other book titles) He recommended I take a closer look at one book entitled "When A Nation Forgets God" by Erwin W. Lutzer. 7 lessons we must learn from Nazi Germany. I was interested and contemplated buying it but lacked the $8.99. I said I would have to come back. He put it in my hands and said "I trust you. Take it, read it, have your husband read it. You can bring me the money later"
So.... We have a new book to investigate. Anyone heard of this book?

I am pretty wiped out from my adventerous day, Bruce is wiped out from day 7 of this bad cold and he has crawled back into bed to sleep. I have a dinner date with our niece who is coming by after work to pick me up-- we'll see if hubby is up for it.
Quite a full day for a Monday.
Quite a full cup. Of Joy.