Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

Six Decades

 Today is my last day of being 59. 

Yup. tomorrow is my birthday and I will officially be SIXTY. 

6 decades. yipes!

6-0.

YIPES. 

Actually since I have been technically living out my 60th year for 364 days now, with tomorrow signifying the completion of my 60th year and the beginning of the next one I can't pretend to be in shock about the number. And as usual I'd rather confess my age than my weight so there's that.

say what????

I am in a reflective mood however. I am thinking back on the past 6 decades and trying to categorize them.

Those first 10 years of life is just learning how to function in the world. Walking, talking, dressing ones self, learning to share, read, write, do math. Growing up on a farm there were chores to do, year round so learning to be responsible goes in the mix.

baby robin just out of the nest

winter time fun!

From 10-20 a lot can happen..... those tumultuous teen years, rebellious and sulky. Learning what can propel you forward and what can set you back. You make a decision and face the consequences good or bad.

grumpy in the morning... nothing's changed....

its too blurry to read but my T shirt says
  "if you don't like my peaches don't shake my tree."
shaking my head...

 I became a mom in my 20's so that 3rd decade from 20-30 was full of all sorts of growing  experiences. I faced many truths in that decade such as parenting is both rewarding and disappointing, and always a challenge. I had to accept that my marriage was a sham. 

pregnant with baby #2 and cuddling my first born

my daughter, baby #2

That made the next decade between 30-40 a time of fighting for my rights, acknowledging many lies and truths and navigating the sometimes hidden path to healing. It also brought something beautiful in my relationship with God, and a man who loves and cherishes me.

the beginning of feeling free

From 40-50 life was pretty sweet. Building new relationships, testing the waters of real adulthood. Finding my voice in an equal as a wife, as a business partner, as a leader in my church. Being a grandma, establishing a new path with my adult children. Overcoming PTSD, but learning to embrace depression and accept limitations. To be sure there have been many MANY bumps along the way. But so much opportunity for growth, forgiveness, healing. 

This last decade has really been about living in faith I think. We went through some real financial hardships, loss of relationships, changes-- big ones-- and I think the focus for me has been on trusting and acceptance. Trusting God to provide our every need. Trusting my husband in his decisions. Trusting others and allowing them to get close to me. Accepting more fully the nagging depression and making peace with it. Figuring out how to strike a balance in life that keeps me on an even keel-- keeps me stable. 

happiness is good but joy is better!

It brings me to today and a celebration of what I have learned, accomplished, conquered!

That shy, insecure, nail biting, bed wetting little girl with the dark circles under her eyes has now become a pretty confident woman if I do say so myself. 

some days I still see her 

And that really brings me to the main thing I feel I have learned over 6 decades of living. 

CONFIDENCE.

It's a journey. We are not typically born with self confidence. But it can be learned. It requires stepping out in faith. doing it afraid regardless of how you feel. Being stretched until it hurts but finding such a reward for doing so. 

choose to shine!

I am comfortable in my own skin. I like myself. I may not be proud of everything I've done and there are still days I let anxiety rule and depression threaten to take me down but it will never take me out. 

happy birthday to me!

 

Guess What?

I'm still alive!

I just spent the last couple of hours sprucing up the blog in preparation for a re-launch. I have to tell you that just as I hit the 'compose new post' button, my heart started pounding a little bit harder.... anxiousness building as I thought about staring at a blank page unable to write. But if a 1000 mile journey starts with a single step, then so does a blog post.... one word at a time.

It's been a long season of unrest. Depression, anxiety, lethargy. The usual trio of troubles. I have skipped many a writers group meeting because of this. If I am not writing and I don't even want to write then why bother going? Those are the sort of thoughts that would plague me.

There have many ideas floating through my mind however. Bits and pieces, phrases and fragments of words, just enough lately to think I might still have something to say and I might be able to say it well.

I haven't lacked for things to write about... experiences both exhilarating and exhausting.... trips, tattoos, testing, trying, terrifying, trust-building....Testimonial moments.


Stay tuned....

What Am I Doing?

Life's been pretty busy between building my new jewelry business, working part time at the bookstore, watching my grandsons one day a week, and keeping the home fires burning. Not to mention, the writing group I co-facilitate and the book project we are working on there. Then my former self-employed hubby has picked up a side job as project manager for a new restaurant set to open sometime this summer and that has me running errands again. Yes, life is a little busy. I don't have time for depression or anxiety or fibromyalgia to interfere with things. But it does. 

With my husband leaving the house an hour earlier most mornings, I find myself stumbling around, coffee cup in hand, feeling sleep deprived and out of sorts. When I give in to the lure of the still warm rumpled blankets on the bed and crawl under them I find the delicious cocoon my mind and body craves. I doze and awaken to sunshine sneaking through the cracks of the curtain, or the sounds of raindrops splattering against the windows. Sleep cycle disrupted again I struggle the rest of the day to find my rhythm. It's frustrating. Walking daily seems like a distant memory, something someone did a long time ago but I can't remember who or why. I force myself to push past fibro-pain, cloudy thinking and loss of passion for most things. People annoy me and the thought of engaging in conversation is so overwhelming I can't even ....

I lay on my bed a lot and flick aimlessly through apps on my phone.I ask myself if I need to talk to the doctor about changing my anti-depressant or do something different.  It's worrisome. 

But on the mornings when things seem to fall into place and I do find my rhythm it's glorious! I stay awake, I throw a load of laundry in the wash and scrub down the counters and swoosh a mop across the floors. I go for a walk and I snap pictures left and right of everything I see. I breathe deep and I listen for cues that nudge me here or there. I work my business and study to make it better. I go to work with a smile and energy. I have my list of things to do and I knock it out of the park. I think "life is amazing and so am I". And at the end of the day I wonder what made it different from the day before? 

Depression is a thief. It steals my joy, my energy, my creativity. Anxiety is a rope that ties me to a chair and holds me prisoner in my room. Physical pain is crippling and only feeds my depression more. In those darkest moments I seek out the Psalms and feel David's anguish as he pours out his soul. 

These things I remember as I pour out my soul... Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. 

I've Been Meaning to Write

and by write, I mean something of significance. 

Too many days and weeks have drifted by with nary a whisper of inspiration to stir my heart to write. It's a little scary and frustrating and depressing. 

At our last writers group gathering we decided to create a homework assignment where for every day we don't write, we'll at least list the reason why. 

 too often my excuse is this...

but really it's more like... I can't think of anything to write, or I don't feel like writing so I might as well diddle the day away by scrolling thru' facebook. 

GAH.

I guess it's been coming on for some time now. Feeling like I don't have anything creative left to blog about or write a short story about. I've got lots of stories written that could certainly use editing but I just don't feel the unction to do that either.

. 

At that last meeting, we each shared what helps us get moving again when we've gotten stuck. For me its taking a trip. Something about a road trip or a camping adventure always seems to help kick it back in gear. 

I've got a backpacking adventure coming up 4th of July weekend. Here's hoping the muse will be here when I get back.

Imagine That!

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you." 

Isaiah 26.3

Having peace of mind in troubled times can often feel unobtainable. I don't know about you but when I'm worried or anxious, my imagination can run wild. I start thinking of all the things that can go wrong, and it just mushrooms from there. Peace feels like a fuzzy concept. I desperately want it but it seems just out of reach.

The bible tells me that the only way to have peace is to 'fix my mind' on God. I recently learned that the word 'mind' in the Isaiah passage does not refer to the mind as in logical, rational. problem solving but it's the word for 'imagination'. It's our imaginations that can cause us to lose our peace.  I'm learning that the only way to fix my mind on God is to grab hold of my (run away) imagination and bring it to Him.

There's a great lesson is the quote "Don't believe everything you think."  There's been a lot of "junk food" my mind has been fed over the years. Junk food like "you're worthless" or "God doesn't care about your needs." As a result, I can't be trusted to tell myself the truth all the time. It's not enough to just erase the old tapes; I need to replace those thoughts with something else.

When I let my mind have control I will copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but when I let God have control, He will transform me into a new person by changing the way I think. (Romans 12.2)

2 Corinthians 10.5 tells us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have an imagination given through God's design but instead of using it for negative scenarios, why not instead imagine all the great and marvelous works my God is capable of? Instead of imaging all the bad things that can happen, I can concentrate on all of His marvelous works, provisions and His Sovereign Grace. I'm choosing today to let God shape my imagination.


Now Glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more that we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayer, desires, thoughts or hopes. May He be given glory forever. Ephesians 3.20-21

clearing our heads

One little advantage to the unemployment blues... there's plenty of time to spend it in the Word, devote ourselves to ministry needs and even take some time to get out into nature and refresh ourselves.

sunshine on a clear cold crisp day. lovely!!

Bruce has work lined up for next week at a retreat center where he has done work before over the years. He needed to go there today to make some measurements and suggested I come with and we could incorporate a hike into the day. It was plenty chilly out there today but sunny. I said yes, put on a triple layer of clothing and hopped in the truck.

getting ready to replace some log support beams.

Measurements done in short order, we set out on the trail that takes one to a fantastic lookout above the retreat center.

It's a short hike (less than a mile to the top) but it is steep. (burn baby burn said my thighs to my glutes!) The entire trail was carpeted with discarded leaves and the crunching of them under our feet was so noisy that at times we couldn't hear each other speak.

Once we reached the top, the bird's eye view took our breath away. It's not the largest mountain, in fact I believe technically it might actually be called a hill, but at around 700 feet it still offers an astounding view of the central fraser valley.

The last few days have been rough as I have mentioned before. What's the best thing to do when you feel you can't stand anymore? Get on your knees and get your support team there with you. We've put the plea for prayers out there to our praying friends and family and been rewarded with feelings of love and peace. Words of encouragement coming in from different perspectives has been so helpful.

looking north into Canada. Canadian Rockies in the background.

Last night as Bruce and I were talking a verse came to mind from James 1 about praying without believing. It warns us that when you ask God for something, make sure you really expect Him to answer, "for a doubting mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." (James 1.6)
This morning when I opened my bible app for the daily verse, guess which verse it was?
Of course.
James 1.6.

We've come to realize that our attitudes have been leading us down a path we don't wish to travel. We've let the situation get the best of us and allowed worry, depression, frustration, and anger to rule in our hearts rather than the peace that passes all understanding.

We needed today to get up top and see the view to remind us that sometimes when we are in the middle of a muddle, we really can't see what God is up to. Climbing the mountain to gain a clear picture of where we live is akin to spending time with Jesus to gain a clearer picture of how much he loves us.

The hike was invigorating and refreshing. We had some time to just be together, enjoying one another's presence and the glorious surroundings we live in. We had time to clear our heads and put worry aside for the day.

Jesus loves me this I know. 

Shaking Like A Leaf

I've been struggling.  I've never claimed to have it all together but it's often disappointing to be in this place again.

Depression has been sucking everything out of me. I'm sure it's partly related to the stress of our financial situation, with some physical issues added. The time change that brings darkness sooner isn't helping any. Then to top it off, when I try to pray, I've got nothing. No words. It's babble or it's stuttering but its mostly just dead space where words should be. All this combined has resulted in a great big dish of frustration, sadness, pain, anxiety,and desperation. I have felt crippled and blinded.

I have felt like a little leaf trembling in the wind.

Like a little leaf balanced precariously on a tight rope.


Then, this morning I read Lori Roeleveld's blog post and it was as if it was written just for me. She talks about the emptiness she was experiencing. How her prayers sounded like "blah, blah, blah." She said it was because while her mouth was uttering words her heart was empty. As she struggled with this realization she heard Jesus say "Bring that to me. Bring me your emptiness"

Wait. What? God told her to bring Him the emptiness? Aren't we suppose to bring Him an offering of praise? Yet.... He said bring it and then He would fill it.

Her post resonated with me. I'm learning that whatever we bring, be it praise, adoration, requests, anger, pain, sorrow... or a great big pile of nothingness, He welcomes it.

Hebrews 4.16 says: Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Wow.

He welcomes it... and then, transforms it. By His Grace, His Love, His Mercy He takes what ever we have, even the nothing to offer, and turns it into something of wonder.

It might not change the condition of my checking account or lessen the physical pain. It doesn't' always remove the depression and sometimes it doesn't even improve my prayers of dry empty phrases. But it comforts me to know that even in the darkest of times, God is with me. He never abandons me. I may never fully know or understand why He can't just rescue me out of my worst times. Sometimes He does, but often He doesn't. However...He does sit with me in my darkness. He does walk with me through the fire. He swims beside me in the deep waters.

Knowing that gives me the courage and strength to hang on for one more day. Knowing this allows me to rest in His presence.

Seeing that little leaf perched there on that wire the other day made me think of the song Hold Me Jesus by the late Rich Mullins. One line in particular jumped out at me so I had to revisit the lyrics. It seems to capture where my parched and weary soul is these days. It goes:  "So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?" 

I may be perched precariously and trembling but I know, and I trust, God's got me.

it comes in whispers, it comes in shouts

We all have one.
The voice inside our head that tells us things.
You know the one...

you look fat...
he doesn't really love you....
they think you are weird.....
you aren't welcome here...

Sometimes its a subtle little whisper. 
Sometimes it's loud, drowning out the voice of reason.
Sometimes it's an annoying echo in your head, or worse, a damaging dose of poison in your soul.

It sneaks up on you, when you are alone in your room, in front of the mirror. Those pants that looked so good on, in the dressing room mirror don't look as great in the privacy of your own room, where doubts live.

It attacks you in the middle of a party when you see your life partner engaged in conversation with the vivacious hostess.

Insecurities rise up  when you begin to engage in a discussion on biblical truths, insecurities that remind you of your lack of training, your lack of experience and your ridiculous ideas.

Regardless of how much weight you have lost, how many times he has said he adores you, and how hard you studied to prepare, regardless of how many times you have faced this battle and felt victorious, the voice in your head won't stay silent.

The thing we have to understand is that the voice in your head is lying. 

The truth is, the voice in your head isn't your voice--- it's the enemy's and we can choose not to listen.
The truth is, we live in a world fraught with evil. But Jesus has overcome the world.
The truth is our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark world, and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
And because of Christ, we fight, not for victory but from victory.

A couple of days ago, in my ladies bible study, we began to share some of the lies that prey on us. Those accusations that come from some deep seated insecurity... you are such a bother, you talk too much, you are stupid, you have nothing of value to contribute. 

Even as we shared and joked about these statements that we knew deep down are LIES, it was amazing to realize how much power they often have over us.

All of us gals are at an age where we've become pretty comfortable in our own skin. We've made peace with our shapes and our looks and if the mirror doesn't exactly give off a glowing review of how we look today, we shrug and say "Oh well!" and we go out anyway.

But the lies that attack us in our core, the ones that try to shake our confidence that we have anything of value to offer to the world? Those seem to be harder to shake off.

In this Captivating book study, we've looked at the wounds that have broken our hearts and at the ways in which our Heavenly Father wishes to heal those hurts. We've worked on letting Him have access to the broken places so that healing can take place and we are all making positive steps towards deeper healing. Still, the attacks continue and it is why we are commanded in scripture to Stand Firm and keep on standing firm. Don't back off, don't let down your guard.

It's an process. An ongoing one.

But....
For every whispered lie, Jesus whispers, "You are mine. I love you."
For every loud accusation, Jesus reminds me, "I am with you. You are precious to me."
For every damaging echo in  my soul, He counters it with, " Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine."

These reminders, these assurances come in a myriad of ways.... through scripture,books, music, through His creation, and quite possibly through a trusted friend.

Sometimes it come in whispers. Sometimes it come in shouts.

But always, if we will look for it and then listen, the truth comes.

Moving On, Moving Forward

I found this awesome quote the other day by Monique Duval and I just loved it so much I decided to share it... both on my facebook page and here:

She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” in the sky.” 

I feel like this quote describes my life from the moment I stepped into the path of healing and seeking wholeness and learning who I really am, as a woman, as a contributor to society and most importantly as a child of God.

Life is a constant and the only thing we can count on staying the same is change. We have to be ready for it. Change is something many of us really, and I mean, REALLY struggle with but yet is is what keeps life exciting. We do not live static lives. 

I am ready for change. I am nervous, facing another unknown but I have faith that God will guide and protect me. I don't know what will happen or when, just that it is time. I gave my 2 weeks notice at work this week and while I am filled with questions over this choice, (am I doing the right thing? what will happen now?) I know that once I reached the decision, there was a peace that descended that helps balance out those fears. 

It has been so gratifying to hear the responses from my boss and co-workers, expressing sadness over my decision to leave but they also understand that this is something I am choosing to do because I need to take care of myself, not because I am unhappy in my job.

Funny how peace and anxiety can co-exist. For as always, when we choose to move to someplace else in life, there are those moments of questioning and wondering and second guessing ourselves  Even when I have felt 100% sure of a decision and know I will not be looking back, there comes a whisper in the recesses of my mind, checking to see if I have any doubts. I still look back on my days of owning my business and wondering if I bailed to soon or if I could have handled things differently. But then I see this quote and I am filled with delight as the sense of freedom rises in me and makes me indeed want to dance and write a new language!

I am looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be, knowing that the God who holds me in the palm of His hand will continue to guide and protect me, stretch me perhaps, a bit more than I think I can go, but protecting me nonetheless.

He will do the same for you if you let him.