Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

Keeping it Wonderful

There'll be parties for hosting

Marshmallows for toasting

And caroling out in the snow

There'll be scary ghost stories

And tales of the glories of the

Christmases long, long ago

December is always a crazy busy month... or so they say.

 I think we can make it as crazy as we want  or we can pace ourselves, choose what we really really want to engage in and enjoy each moment without over doing it. 

What do you think? 

It's the most wonderful time of the year

There'll be much mistltoeing

And hearts will be glowing

When love ones are near

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Being a small business owner, I have made some concessions to the 

Christmas Craze as my livelihood depends on this time of year. 

I put up Christmas decor WAY before my birthday, 

which if you know me if almost unheard of! 

And I've been advertising specials and whatnot 

on my Facebook pages and offering all sorts of things.

 Its fun but it's also tiring.

I want to just be in the moment of the season and keep focused on the 

WHY of the season.... 

The REASON for the season...

 Christ's birth.

It's not about angels without remembering the angels who proclaimed His birth.

It's not about lights unless you recognize Jesus as the Light of the World. 

It's not about gifts unless you count the greatest gift of all, God's Son to save the world. 

And it's not about the tree unless you remember the most sacred tree of all, the cross upon which Christ was crucified.

As you prepare for the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" I hope you remember the 

WHY of the Wonder. 

Wishing you a most Merry, Holy, Blessed Christmas.

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

Not just the words to a Sunday School song, this phrase struck me in a brand new way this morning. The deeper meaning came about in a rather unusual way.

First you have to understand that morning is typically not my best time. I'm not a morning person, and today was unusual in that, it's my one day of the week to sleep in. Yet, when Bruce's alarm went off at 5am, (which typically I don't really hear) instead of snuggling deeper under the covers and snoozing, my mental alarm clicked in and BAM! I was awake, I was up and-- gasp-- I was THINKING.  I mean, my brain was actually forming complete thoughts and sentences and they were coherent and thought provoking! This was all BEFORE I'd even made the coffee!

Once the coffee was made, I proceeded to fix a cup for me and one for him. And since Bruce had hit his snooze button and obviously needed some extra motivation, I brought his to him. I watched him struggle to untangle the bed sheets, find his bathrobe and try to connect the coffee mug to his mouth. I took in his morning look-- his hair a twisted sheaf of golden wheat, his eyelids heavy with sleep and his general demeanor clearly stating what a discombobulated state he was in. Lest you think I am being unkind, please know that I fully understand what sort of state I am in, in the mornings. I give you exhibit A as proof:

my typical morning look

Because I know what I look like every morning, and since almost every morning, without fail, I'm still in my robe and slippers or at best, yoga pants and an oversized T, hair not combed, face unwashed, and feeling just as discombobulated, as I send Bruce out the door, it is a marvel to me that he tells me he loves me. That he calls me 'adorable' or 'cute' or, amazingly enough-- 'beautiful'. Really? I mean, REALLY??? 

But here's the thing... As I watched him this morning, this face that I have loved for over 20 years, I was moved beyond words. But I had to put it into words to really get it. 

He finds me beautiful even in my raw state. This 56 year old body, that has born two children, gone through the ups and downs of weight gain and weight loss, numerous injuries and surgeries; this body a road map of stretch marks and scars; this face devoid of make up,with its weathered lines and crows feet more prominent with each passing year... and more than that, this woman who has allowed her husband to see her in all kinds of vulnerable, he finds her beautiful? It must be love. 

And I, who look at him, his body weighed down by the passage of time. The once tight muscles of a younger man, coming up against gravity and slowly losing the battle. Hands that have worked hard to provide. Shoulders that carry the burden of providing for a family, a responsibility that weighs heavily at times. And I look with tenderness and still feel the stirrings of passion for this man, my life partner. This is definitely love. 

And then it hits me... how much more does our Heavenly Father love? God, who knows me so intimately, with all my faults and failures, yet declares me righteous, blameless, without sin, giving me full access to His Kingdom as a heir of Christ. It's hard to take in.

When I look into my husbands eyes and see the love and adoration shining back at me, I am able to catch a glimpse of how he really sees me. When he looks into my eyes he can begin to believe it when I tell him I find him attractive. And that helps me begin to understand the fullness of just how much more Jesus loves me. If Bruce can see past my wild and wooly morning hair, my sometimes cranky, sometimes confused attitude; if he can see me at my worst and still love me as if I'm the best, it gives me a small sample of the overwhelming love that Jesus has for me. 

As Max Lucado puts it, 

“If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning... Face it, friend. He is crazy about you! ”

It Starts With Worship

All week I've been humming or singing the words from a song by Matt Redmond. It's called "The Heart of Worship" and it is a powerful reminder to me of what Worship is... and what it isn't.

It is absolutely true that God deserves our worship. Scripture says if we don't praise Him, the rocks will cry out. And when you look around at creation, a crashing wave, a soaring eagle, a mountain splendor, can't you see the glory of God? Does your heart swell like mine does, in giving thanks and praise to Him for creating such wonders? 

Over and over in the bible we find verses on worship, of praising God. Like most people, I first and foremost tend to think of singing  when I hear the word worship. I read somewhere the other day that music is the one thing that affects more parts of our brain than anything else. Music stirs the heart and emotions and stimulates the brain and becomes imprinted in ways like nothing else. So it's no wonder than that we often think of music and worship simultaneously. 

The story about the song "Heart of Worship" goes something like this: the pastor of the church where songwriter Matt Redman attended, deeply concerned with an attitude of apathy sweeping through the church, got rid of the sound system and instruments for a season. For many Sundays it was just the voices of the people being lifted as they gathered.  The idea was to find their way back to the true heart of Worship and the only way to do it was to strip everything away. The pastor began asking the congregation "When you come through the doors on Sunday what are you bringing as your offering to God?" Initially that led to some awkward silence but eventually people began to break out in spontaneous, genuine, heartfelt praise to God. They found their way back to the True Heart of Worship.

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

Worship is all about the position of my heart.

When I have challenges or things just don't seem to be very positive, it's very easy to lose focus and go the way of the grumpies. From there it's a slippery slope into cranky-ville. But having the right position in my heart allows me to put my focus on God rather than the difficulties I'm having.

One of the best depression-busters I've found is to put on worship and praise music and flood my soul with it. When I step into worshipping Him, it reminds me of His faithfulness. It also reminds me that worship does not stop when the music does.

Everything I do as a Christian, can --and should be-- done as an Act of Worship. For me that equates out to taking care of my household in ways that honor God. Living within our budget. Serving others with love. Being responsible with the things God has given me to care for. Valuing friendship. Honoring marriage and my husband. Even, yes, even taking my anti-depressant can be an Act of Worship.

We all worship something. I want what I worship to be Jesus.

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much you deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours
Every single breath

Worship sets the stage for me to walk forward with Jesus.

Our pastor asked the question last week, "When was the last time you had a planning session with God about your future?" It brought me up short, because, even as I start my day with devotions and prayer, my goals are usually short term-- 'help me get through this day' seems to be the MO of most of my morning pleas. But if I am going to live the life of a true worshipper, who has Christ at the center, I must think and plan strategically about my future. At my age that might seem a little late to the game, but until Christ calls me home, I have work here to do on earth and I want it to count for something. I don't need to map out the rest of my life, or even the rest of my year but I do feel I need to submit daily to whatever calling He has on my life today. And if He has stuff for me to do (which I am sure He does!) I need to be in a position that is ready and willing to do it. The positioning starts with Worship.


I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Yes. It's all about You, Jesus.

Joy in Jesus. Jesus Alone.

If I don't find my  joy in Jesus, I will forever fall short of joy in everything else. 


When Jesus prayed for his men (John 17) one of the things he prayed fervently is for them to have the full measure of joy. Have you ever stopped to wonder about this? What does a full measure of joy look like? And why does Jesus want his guys-- and us for that matter-- to have it?

So much of our worldview brings with it the impression that our joy can be found in many things the world has to offer. Even seemingly innocent things, things that can truly be counted as good for us. For example, who hasn't desired to find satisfaction and joy in their career? That we should be so blessed as to find a job that is a joy to work at seems like a gift. Indeed, it is. But if I count on my job or my hobbies, even my family to be my primary source of joy, I will always fall short.

I have been impressed with the knowledge that just as true satisfaction can only come through a life centered in Christ, so it is with joy. Experiencing fullness of joy requires making Christ the center, the focus of all.

That said, what about when life hands you lemons?

The same prayer where Jesus prayed for fullness of joy for his men says even when the world hates them.

 Verse after verse in the Bible encourages-- no-- commands us-- to give thanks, to be thankful, to rejoice even, when trouble comes our way. Is it in the tragedies and struggles of life that we become convinced that joy just isn't in the cards for us? Yet Jesus told the disciples "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world!" (John 16.33)

Walking with Jesus has taught me that joy is mine for the taking whether in good times or bad, because my joy comes from Jesus. If joy eludes me it is because I have not set my eyes on Jesus and looked to Him for complete and utter fulfillment. When my joy comes from Him only then will I find true satisfaction and joy in all the other areas of my life.

Blessed Assurance

I discovered a hidden treasure the other day. While going through boxes of my parent's belongings, I came across a precious piece of paper. In my father's handwriting is a testimony worksheet he had filled out in which he shares how he received Christ and how his life was different because of this. Oh! What a find! And while I have made copies for my siblings, I'm claiming the original for myself. This is why:

Among the things my dad shares in this testimony are several scripture references to verses he was memorizing or found especially comforting to him because of the promises offered. As i jotted these down and began to look them up, something amazing came to light. With the exception of only a few, every single one was something already highlighted in my bible as special to me! With the first two discoveries I just smiled and thought how nice. But as more of them matched my own a little shiver ran up my spine.

 This was not a coincidence. Sure these verses are favorites of many. Verses like "He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities... and by his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53.5 KJV) or this one from Romans 8.1: "So now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (KJV) But a few of them were less commonly quoted or familiar. Yet at one time or another, in my bible readings, these same verses my dad loved, were underlined or highlighted as special to me for one reason or another.

As to the verses that were not a match to my underlined ones this one in particular jumped out at me: "I assure you, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me, have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins but they already have passed from death into life." (John 5.24 NLT)

Why did this verse grab my attention?

Well, even though I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old, I have experienced many times in my life where my salvation felt troubled. Fear and doubt would creep in, making myself question my salvation. I remember as a young girl coming home to find an empty kitchen. A pot was simmering on the stove and while my mother's presence was palpable she was nowhere to be found. My mother was always there when we came home from school. Always. But not this day. Fear struck my heart and I gulped. Terror gripped me as I searched the house calling out her name. I was sure the Rapture had occurred and I'd been left behind! You can imagine my immense comfort when my mother wandered in, fresh from a visit to the neighbors for an impromptu tea visit. And while I nearly collapsed in relief, I was unable to share with her the anxiety and fear I'd just experienced. How could I explain it when I was "supposed to be" a Christian?

I am a little embarrassed to admit that this doubt would continue to haunt me on more than a few occasions. A quiet room when someone had been in it just moments before. A sick feeling coming over me when hearing of terrible things going on in our nation (9-11) and thinking "this is it, the end is near" and being afraid that no matter how many times I'd prayed again to be saved, because I wanted to make sure, I'd still somehow fallen short of being one of those counted righteous in His Sight.

It wasn't a pretty feeling.

Thankfully, in part because of a praying husband, I was able to work through this over time and reach a point where I could say I was sure that I was not going to be left behind. I could rest in God's promise when He said he's adopted me into His family and I will spend eternity in Heaven with Him.

Why I experienced such doubt over my salvation, I can't explain. Perhaps my childhood traumas and later the betrayals by one who professed to love me, played into my psyche and fed that vein of low self esteem: I'm not worthy, I don't deserve salvation. I'm still not good enough for God. Well, here's the deal-- all of that is true! I'm NOT worthy. But because of God's amazing grace and endless love, He accepts me anyway. Funny how I seem to always need reminders of this... but then, we all have an Achilles heel that the enemy loves to poke at. We all have a propensity to something and apparently this was mine. How thankful I was when I realized that particular monkey was off my back.

So, then, coming across this verse the other day was a strong but gentle reminder that I can continue to rest in the promise Jesus gave. The fact that this reminder from my Heavenly Father, came via my other father is a significant factor for me. No matter how many times I struggle in my daily walk with the Lord, no matter the desert-dry days in my spiritual walk, I am still a Child of God. No matter how long I sit in front of a blank page cursing the blinking curser of my computer screen because of writer's block, no matter how apathetic I feel, no matter the brain fog or feelings of lethargy, it does not change Who I Am in Christ.

I am God's girl.
I am forgiven.
I am saved.
I will inherit His riches.
I will be in His Kingdom.
Indeed I already am.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine
Heir of Salvation, Purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His Blood.

This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long *

*Fanny Crosby

Greatest Day In History

*The Greatest Day in History

Death is beaten, You have rescued me

Sing it out, Jesus is alive

The empty cross, the empty grave

Life eternal, You have won the day

Shout it out, Jesus is alive

He's alive

Oh, happy day, happy day

You washed my sin away

Oh, happy day, happy day

I'll never be the same

Forever I am changed

Blessings upon Blessings 

this glorious Resurrection Sunday 2015! 

*Tim Hughes - Happy Day Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Just Jesus

I'll just go ahead and say it. I'm a slow learner. Or, perhaps more correctly, a stubborn one.

You would think that after 40++ years of being a Christian, I'd get it. And, of course, I do. Get it I mean. I get what being a Christ follower means. I get what living a life set apart should look like. I get that living for Jesus demands my whole heart. I get it and I want it and I pursue it. Well, most of the time. I mean, let's be perfectly honest... there are days where living for Jesus is not at the front and center of my heart and mind. More correctly, it's living for Robyn taking His place. And so, I need these constant reminders, these daily checkpoints to stop me in my tracks, keep me in line and help me refocus, renew and recommit.

As so often is the case, when God wants to get a message, He does it repeatedly. It happened that way this morning....

In addition to following a bible reading plan, I receive multiple online devotionals via email. This morning as I sipped my coffee and tried vainly to focus my bleary eyes on the email as viewed through my smartphone, I read the scripture accompanying the devotional. 

From Philippians 4.19: And my God will meet all your needs, according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. 

The main thrust of the devotional was about running on empty-- forgetting to spend time daily with Jesus, refueling. It was a timely and gentle reminder for me as I had allowed a few days to slip away where starting my day with The Word had been forsaken in exchange for whatever else was clamoring for my attention. 

I laid my phone down and picked up my bible and journal to jot down some thoughts. Satisfied with my pondering, I returned to my phone to finish my email. As I scrolled down through the content of the next email what jumped out at me? Reference to not worrying about our own needs because God will supply them.... and, yes, Philippians 4.19.

Even as my heart thrilled in my chest I wasn't that surprised. It was so clearly NOT coincidence. God had my attention. 

I don't forget to eat. I need food to fuel my body and my brain and when I skip a meal or go too long between eating, I grow cranky, tired and sometimes a little shaky. So why do I allow my spirit to skip feedings? 

It has to be more than just a habit I lock myself into. It has to be the most important source I turn to, daily, minute by minute. 

Jesus. 
Just Jesus.

Restored!

photo property of Robyn Burke

Do you believe God heals? 
I do. I have experienced His healing in my life. It took time, because it's a process, but I've healed. 

google images

You may already know this, but I have had surgery for torn rotator cuffs on both of my shoulders. The pain I felt when I injured them was bad enough but honestly, the recovery after surgery was worse! My right rotator had not only torn but there was an impingement in the shoulder area that needed to be fixed. This required some shaving of the bone and a pin was inserted to hold things in place. I don't even like thinking about what all took place while I was knocked out by the anesthesia! However, once I was home and the numbness wore off -- I was TOTALLY aware of just how much tweaking had gone on inside of me! And the pain pills barely took the edge off. If I so much as raised my shoulder even a fraction of a fraction pain would ripple through me. I roared like a lion, I cried like a baby. It hurt!! 

Then... a few weeks later I began physical therapy. Oh. Oh. Oh. Even while I knew that the therapy was designed to help restore healing and it was a necessary evil, that did not stop my tears from trickling down my cheeks as I laid on the therapy table and allowed the therapist to manipulate my shoulder in directions it fought against.  As the weeks went on however, and more flexibility returned to my shoulder, the pain lessened. Eventually I was able to do the exercises on my own, without need for prescription pain pills or even ibuprofen. Eventually the pain subsided until there was no more. 

When I began my adult life as a single mom, I also began a journey of seeking healing for years of abuse. Part of this was dealt with the aid of a gifted, compassionate counselor. Some was accomplished through my private journaling, some in writing letters to those who had hurt me. But the single most powerful healing took place as one by one, I brought those broken places in my heart and laid them before God. It was painful-- Oh! It was painful! For so many years I had buried the hurts deep inside of me, the only way I knew to cope and survive. Inviting Jesus in to heal those areas meant exposing them. Digging up long buried shame and resentment, excavating pits of despair-- there was nothing pretty or pain-free in any of that! 

But God was with me every step of the way. It started when He spoke to me through His word: He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. (Psalm 23) In that verse I heard Him saying loud and clear, "Come. Come and rest here in this safe and quiet place. Give me the broken pieces- all of them-- and let me begin restoration." 

photo property of Robyn Burke 

Honestly, it was much like surgery and physical therapy! The surgery repaired the broken parts but the therapy brought healing and strength back to the damaged areas. God touched the hurts in my heart, mind and spirit, repairing the damage, and then over the next months and years, worked with me to restore life into those areas I thought were broken beyond repair. 

So much has taken place over the years since I first started that earnest journey into healing and wholeness. Sometimes I look back and shake my head in disbelief that I was once so fragile. God was-- IS-- so faithful. He spoke life back into me. It was a process, just like healing from a broken bone or a shoulder repair, but the torn up places in my spirit have been restored. 

If you have areas in your life that are in need of healing, I encourage you to take the next step to begin the process. Dr. Jesus is waiting. 

REWIND??

Back in 1986 I watched a fantasy/comedy movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married"  In the movie, a woman named Peggy Sue attends her 25- year high school reunion. She's recently separated from her (cheating) husband Charlie. She regrets some of the decisions she made in her life-- such as marrying Charlie. When she faints at the reunion and wakes up in 1960-- back in high school, she's suddenly given the chance to live her life again. She sets out to change things... only... some choices are more complicated... her relationship with Charlie being just one of them.

I suppose all of us at one time or another has wondered if we had the chance do our lives over again, if we wouldn't do some things differently. I know I have.  If I woke up to find myself back in high school I want to think I'd make much wiser decisions, knowing then what I know now. However, who I am today is based on the experiences I have had. So, if I had a rewind button on my life, while I might be tempted to push it  I think it would be to revisit the highlights of my life, just for the pleasure of reliving those moments...

family hikes...
camping...
the birth of my children...
the falling in love experience with my sweetie....
vacations that brought much  happiness....
meeting my grandchildren for the first time...

But perhaps the one thing I would truly love to re-experience are the mountain top highs in my relationship with Jesus. 

I've been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I was raised in the faith, having attended church my whole life and except for some teen-age rebellious years, have pretty much tried to walk the talk. It wasn't until I was in my 30's however that I realized that what I'd been calling my "Christian Life" wasn't exactly the full life that God had planned for me. I'd been living life according to Robyn, making decisions based on what I thought was best for me, not on seeking out what was God's best for me. 

The day I came face to face with this truth was the day my relationship with Jesus got real. I realized that a lot of what I had been doing was based on religion: going through the motions of bible reading, attending church, praying and signing up for lots of 'do-good' activities. When I caught a glimpse of just how much Jesus loved me and how much He wanted a real relationship with me, that's when things began to change. For the better.

Since then, it's been a process, a journey, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but an exciting adventure with laughter, tears, sorrows and joys. And while I wouldn't trade that for anything, there are times I realize I've been coasting, sort of taking my Christian life for granted. I start getting a little lukewarm about things... the passion cools, the mind wanders, and then I find I've drifted into a dry and weary desert... again.

I really don't like when this happens. That's when I wish I  could push a rewind button and go back to the times where I felt the Holy Spirit powerfully at work within me. This last time of desert dryness I finally reached a point of such frustration that I did something either incredible brave or incredible stupid. I asked the Lord to ignite in me a Holy Passion for the things He wants me to go after.

I prayed that prayer and then sat back in fear and trepidation wondering what would happen next. It's been a few weeks since I prayed that prayer-- and I've even repeated it a time or two. It's been a slow, tender unfolding but change is happening. I feel like I am coming out of a long winter's nap and as I stretch and yawn and look around, I feel like a little branch on a tree, it's delicate shoot gently unfurling a little more each day.

God knows me so well and while in someone else's life He might bring change swift and powerfully, He knows me and He knows my circumstances. He knows at what speed I need to travel --when to go fast, when to go slow. But each day I have felt the passion re-igniting. Yes, it's slow but it's enough. And I am aware that the rewind button isn't necessary. It's a brand new movie and while occasionally I might catch a peek of the trailer, it's with my best interest in mind that God reveals things to me in just the right measure, at just the right speed, at just the right time.

Praise  God!

Imagine That!

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you." 

Isaiah 26.3

Having peace of mind in troubled times can often feel unobtainable. I don't know about you but when I'm worried or anxious, my imagination can run wild. I start thinking of all the things that can go wrong, and it just mushrooms from there. Peace feels like a fuzzy concept. I desperately want it but it seems just out of reach.

The bible tells me that the only way to have peace is to 'fix my mind' on God. I recently learned that the word 'mind' in the Isaiah passage does not refer to the mind as in logical, rational. problem solving but it's the word for 'imagination'. It's our imaginations that can cause us to lose our peace.  I'm learning that the only way to fix my mind on God is to grab hold of my (run away) imagination and bring it to Him.

There's a great lesson is the quote "Don't believe everything you think."  There's been a lot of "junk food" my mind has been fed over the years. Junk food like "you're worthless" or "God doesn't care about your needs." As a result, I can't be trusted to tell myself the truth all the time. It's not enough to just erase the old tapes; I need to replace those thoughts with something else.

When I let my mind have control I will copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but when I let God have control, He will transform me into a new person by changing the way I think. (Romans 12.2)

2 Corinthians 10.5 tells us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have an imagination given through God's design but instead of using it for negative scenarios, why not instead imagine all the great and marvelous works my God is capable of? Instead of imaging all the bad things that can happen, I can concentrate on all of His marvelous works, provisions and His Sovereign Grace. I'm choosing today to let God shape my imagination.


Now Glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more that we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayer, desires, thoughts or hopes. May He be given glory forever. Ephesians 3.20-21

PAID IN FULL

A HUGE burden was lifted from my shoulders yesterday. So huge, in fact, that I think I will be experiencing the feeling of lightness for weeks to come, perhaps even months.

Just a little over 20 years ago a judgement was handed down as part of my divorce. At the time the amount decreed my responsibility seemed insurmountable, given the fact I was a single mom, working in a minimum wage job. The monthly pay arrangements that my lawyer was able to negotiate were ridiculous low, for which I was grateful, yet the amount of time it would take to pay off the debt, was overwhelming. This debt would be with me for a long time. Think home mortgage long. Adding to this burden was the feeling of injustice, given the facts. As you may know, in my first marriage I lived through a tidal wave of abuse and was forced to go along with things that went deeply against my moral compass and my spiritual beliefs. I truly felt at the time that I had no choice but to go along with whatever crooked scheme my ex had concocted and now as a result, there were debts and transgressions in my name. Debts which I was now saddled with repaying, transgressions that were mine to try and repair.

Right about the time this judgement was given, a new face entered the picture. Yes, the love of my life. I remember the night when shortly after I realized we were heading down the path of seriousness, I felt it was time for full disclosure. I was SCARED TO DEATH to tell him about this giant financial burden I carried, because I knew if we did marry, which indeed it seemed was the direction we were heading, it was a burden that would also impact him. To be honest, he was taken back-- quite a lot, if the expression on his face meant anything-- but he has always had a gracious, forgiving and compassionate nature and so with the best understanding he could muster he said we'd face this together. Ah, bless this man. BLESS this man!!

(aside note: at the risk of mushiness, I just have to give GIANT KUDO's to the man God has seen fit to bless me with. He is indeed the peanut butter to my jelly. The blue in my sky... the... well, you get the picture...)

SO. As I was saying.... 20 years ago a judgement was handed down and every month for the last 20 years I have dutifully made a payment. Some times I was able to increase the monthly set amount, some months it was a struggle to come up with the minimum. For 20 years this judgement, which has always been about more than just the money, has been a part of my life. I would write the check and send that payment off knowing the debt was being chinked away, a little at a time, and I would try to not think about the whys and the therefore's but it was always, always present. Hidden in the shadows maybe, but there none the less.

I made peace with it to a certain degree over time, as God was restoring all the broken places in my heart, mind and soul. First, I had to face my part in all of it. I was a rebellious teen who ran away from home, dated the boy my parents forbid me to, lied and finagled my way to be with him. I had to admit that no one forced me to marry him. I may have felt I had no choice in many things in my life during the marriage but I did have to own up and take responsibility for my actions. I had to forgive myself for the wrongs I did, whether it was of my own volition or something forced upon me. And I had to forgive my ex for the things he put me through. Those things were instrumental in healing and achieving a certain sense of freedom.

We live in a society where debt is common place. We take out loans and mortgages and have credit cards for all the things we want NOW but can't afford. What's one more bill to pay? But this was a bill that was attached to a bitter, shameful past. If I am honest, each month, when I allowed myself to think about what that payment represented, the old hurts would rise up and I would once again have to wrestle with forgiveness and letting go.

But, as I was saying, a HUGE burden was lifted yesterday. I opened my mailbox and found the official document proclaiming my debt PAID IN FULL, the judgement satisfied. I pressed that letter to my chest and let the tears flow. Tears of sorrow for the past, tears of rejoicing for the present and tears of hope for the future. Like I said, I am sure I will be experiencing feelings of lightness for some time to come.

Can I just take another moment to say that this feeling is but a small drop in the bucket compared to the enormous feelings of joy knowing my sins have been forgiven. That Christ PAID THE DEBT IN FULL, when He died for me. That He satisfied the judgement against me once and for all. I am FREE. In Jesus Christ, I am FREE.

Do They See Jesus?

I love coming home on a dark winter's night and seeing the lights shining from inside the house. That warm yellow glow spilling out from the windows, makes me feel welcome and brings me comfort. Who doesn't appreciate a sight like that?

my house is waiting for me.

I can tell you who. Someone who has evil intent. Someone who maybe has been casing your house, watching and waiting for darkness so they won't be seen. They have plans to break in and steal your stuff. Thoughts like that don't feel very good, do they? On the occasions I have come home to a dark empty house it definitely feels different. Its kind of scary and intimidating. I much prefer the light!

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Most of the people in my life, that I spend time with, are followers of Jesus Christ, like myself. I love what happens when our living room is full of my friends and we are talking about matters of faith and God and such. The whole room feels warm and soothing, yet exciting at the same time. We can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit and it both unites us and inspires us. It is a beautiful wonderful feeling.

I think we are automatically drawn to other believers. Ever start a casual conversation with a stranger and feel right away that your connecting? You find yourself nodding your head and maybe even wishing to engage in more conversation, and though it might just be the person behind you in the grocery line and the talking won't continue passed the checkstand, you'll walk away feeling lighter. I like to think that this happens because I have just encountered a kindred spirit and I would even venture to say they might have the Spirit of Christ in them.

Now, on the flip side of that, I have also encountered people who immediately make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up! My senses cry "stranger danger!" and I automatically step back, even if it's just inwardly. We can sense something about that person that doesn't feel safe and so we distance ourselves for protection. I might be more sensitive to this than others but I think you all know what I'm talking about.

But, let's flip it again and look at it from the other persons perspective. The pleasant encounter you just had with stranger #1 was probably just as enjoyable for them. Again, that kindred spirit coming out. And I'm gonna guess that for stranger #2, if they are indeed someone to be wary of, and you are a follower of Jesus, they might be finding their hackles raised. That is to say, their spirit senses your spirit-- which is really the Holy Spirit, who dwells in each of us, and they don't like it!

My husband loves to get involved with service projects in our community. Whether it's building a wheelchair ramp for a person in need, or a school bus stop for neighborhood kids, he wants to jump in and lend a hand. And then of course, there are the mission trips overseas. We have taken some flack for our willingness to make sacrifices and get involved. People who don't understand how Bruce would give up his paycheck (which we struggle for every month!) in exchange for a day or week of service with no pay. They criticize because they don't understand. A few times we have actually come up against such a contentious spirit  that we have retreated quickly, feeling like we've been scalded by their hostility.

This has brought about some interesting conversations for my sweetie and me. My first inclination when meeting someone who treats me with an attitude of dismissal, is to think I've done something to offend them, or they don't like me and somehow it is my fault. But as God has worked on my identity and built up my self esteem, I have come to realize and really believe, that how others perceive me does not define me. I also think now that those times I have interacted with unpleasant (ie: rude, obnoxious, angry, dismissive, hostile)
people, it's not me they are reacting to but Jesus living in me. They see my light and they don't want anything to do with it. To be in the light might reveal  things they wish to remain in the darkness.

The bible tells us that "men love darkness rather than light, because their deeds are evil." (John 3.19) Being around Jesus sure stirred up the people in His time, didn't it? Those who did not choose to follow him what did they do? Well, ultimately they crucified him.  And the people today, who want nothing to do with the Son of God, are still just as reactive. They are repelled by the Spirit of Christ.

What can we do to change that? I don't know if I actually can do anything. Only Christ can do that. But I do think that if I allow my Light to shine bright, perhaps, someday that Light will draw them in. And instead of being afraid of being in the light, instead of fearing being exposed, they will see that Light for what it truly is: Life-saving, Life-giving.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!

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it comes in whispers, it comes in shouts

We all have one.
The voice inside our head that tells us things.
You know the one...

you look fat...
he doesn't really love you....
they think you are weird.....
you aren't welcome here...

Sometimes its a subtle little whisper. 
Sometimes it's loud, drowning out the voice of reason.
Sometimes it's an annoying echo in your head, or worse, a damaging dose of poison in your soul.

It sneaks up on you, when you are alone in your room, in front of the mirror. Those pants that looked so good on, in the dressing room mirror don't look as great in the privacy of your own room, where doubts live.

It attacks you in the middle of a party when you see your life partner engaged in conversation with the vivacious hostess.

Insecurities rise up  when you begin to engage in a discussion on biblical truths, insecurities that remind you of your lack of training, your lack of experience and your ridiculous ideas.

Regardless of how much weight you have lost, how many times he has said he adores you, and how hard you studied to prepare, regardless of how many times you have faced this battle and felt victorious, the voice in your head won't stay silent.

The thing we have to understand is that the voice in your head is lying. 

The truth is, the voice in your head isn't your voice--- it's the enemy's and we can choose not to listen.
The truth is, we live in a world fraught with evil. But Jesus has overcome the world.
The truth is our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark world, and against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
And because of Christ, we fight, not for victory but from victory.

A couple of days ago, in my ladies bible study, we began to share some of the lies that prey on us. Those accusations that come from some deep seated insecurity... you are such a bother, you talk too much, you are stupid, you have nothing of value to contribute. 

Even as we shared and joked about these statements that we knew deep down are LIES, it was amazing to realize how much power they often have over us.

All of us gals are at an age where we've become pretty comfortable in our own skin. We've made peace with our shapes and our looks and if the mirror doesn't exactly give off a glowing review of how we look today, we shrug and say "Oh well!" and we go out anyway.

But the lies that attack us in our core, the ones that try to shake our confidence that we have anything of value to offer to the world? Those seem to be harder to shake off.

In this Captivating book study, we've looked at the wounds that have broken our hearts and at the ways in which our Heavenly Father wishes to heal those hurts. We've worked on letting Him have access to the broken places so that healing can take place and we are all making positive steps towards deeper healing. Still, the attacks continue and it is why we are commanded in scripture to Stand Firm and keep on standing firm. Don't back off, don't let down your guard.

It's an process. An ongoing one.

But....
For every whispered lie, Jesus whispers, "You are mine. I love you."
For every loud accusation, Jesus reminds me, "I am with you. You are precious to me."
For every damaging echo in  my soul, He counters it with, " Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name, you are mine."

These reminders, these assurances come in a myriad of ways.... through scripture,books, music, through His creation, and quite possibly through a trusted friend.

Sometimes it come in whispers. Sometimes it come in shouts.

But always, if we will look for it and then listen, the truth comes.

The Facebook Fast

The questions stared up at me from the printed page on my lap. I squirmed in discomfort as I pondered what was being asked. Squirming inside, because the questions struck a nerve. And I knew immediately what the answer was.

Hello, My name is Robyn and I'm a facebook-aholic. It's been 3 days, 2 hours and 18 minutes since my last facebook check in...

Sunday Morning. Sitting in church. Program insert with sermon notes on my lap. Pen poised, I scan the page. At the end of the notes are the questions; Life Application Questions to be exact. The first one leaps up at me, and it doesn't just threaten to bite me, it BITES ME.
1. Identify three areas of your life that take up your time; what are they and what practical changes can you make this week to focus more of your energy on the One Who Is Worthy? 

I started using Facebook back in 2007 and at first it was just an occasional visit. Checking in to see what my friends were up to, maybe post a little status update of my own. It was harmless and fun and a great way to stay connected without overcommitting myself. Everyone was doing it.

Without any hesitation I could easily identify three things that occupied a great deal of my time each day and it wasn't Jesus. Yes, I read from my bible most every day and have some cool stuff, like the bible app on my phone and email devotionals. Just recently my husband and I have started doing our morning bible reading together and then praying together before he leaves for work. I listen almost exclusively to praise music in the car and when I'm at home. I try to say a prayer each time I hear a siren screaming down the highway and I try to offer an encouraging word when I read a distressing post on facebook.... I always feels like Jesus is right there with me.I believe He's walking with me every day.... So really, if Jesus is the air I breathe, like the song says, aren't I always proclaiming He is Worthy?

I've tried justifying my time on Facebook, saying I'm using it as a tool for witnessing and being an encourager. I list prayer requests and I honor prayer requests. I see a need and I step in to help where I can. An occasional game of Scrabble or Words With Friends is harmless too right? It's not like I am doing that hard stuff like Farmville or Crushing Candy. Shoot, I don't even POKE, for crying out loud! ...... OK, OK, so I Bitstrip!! But I made at least one of those cartoons into a Warrior for God witnessing tool!!

Let's be fair. Facebook isn't really evil. It does serve a purpose and it's a good one. It keeps us connected and informed and even entertained.  It allows me to stay connected with my kids and grandkids who live on the other side of the county. None of those things are bad or wrong -- no, on the contrary, they are fabulous and fun and good! But, like all things, it's to be done in MODERATION.  And that is where I was falling down.

Jesus replied: "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to be will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6.35.  I know that Jesus alone can satisfy the hunger inside of us. But I was using other things to fill me up. Instagram, Twitter, Email, even Blogging was a good portion of my day. But, Facebook was the biggest one.

When I got my smartphone and could install all these cool apps I thought it was pretty sweet. Like I said, I had a bible app-- actually TWO bible apps, and being able to take and post a picture right from my phone was really quite awesome! But, it wasn't long before I was checking my phone every minute that I wasn't doing something else. Then it was checking my phone INSTEAD OF doing something else. It wasn't long before I realized I was addicted.

Something inside of me was empty and I was using social media to try and fill it.

From my Sunday sermon notes: Life is full of counterfeit imitations that promise to fulfill. Our only hope is a fierce hunger for the only ONE who can give us what we need. 

Our pastor reminded us of the people of Moses' time, and the 40 years they wandered in the desert. God gave them a miracle every single day.  He gave them manna to sustain them. But He didn't dole out a week's worth every Sabbath. He supplied it fresh, each day. Just enough for that day.

God is still in the manna supply business. Daily. Just enough for today, because that's all we need. Coming to church on Sunday for a fill up is great but it's not enough. God wants daily connection with us. With me. And I need it so much more than I am sometimes willing to admit.

Another probing question on my sermon notes was this: 'AM I ENOUGH FOR YOU ________?" (The 'fill in the blank' presumably for me to insert my name, as in Jesus asking me "Am I enough for you, Robyn?")
I really want to be able to say that yes, He is.

I realize that Facebook may not be an issue for other people but it was/has certainly gotten in the way of other things for me. As I drove home from church I knew that some changes were in order. I  often have said "God's Book before Facebook" but I sometimes broke that rule, and I knew setting a time limit wasn't going to work for me. I needed something serious. Something severe. Something drastic. I needed to take a Facebook Fast. No Facebook for a set period of time so I could re-prioritize my time. I decided to LOG OFF my Facebook account that very day.

This hasn't proved easy for me. My fingers itched to hit the facebook icon on my phone, so I deleted the icon for now. The burning desire to check in and see what's happening shows me that this break is much needed. But during the first two days I twittered more than I have in months and when I instagram, I hesitate-- do I share this on Facebook or not? Would that be considered cheating? But, I realized that in taking this break, I get to make the rules and it's not about how long I stay away from Facebook or even, really, about staying away in the first place. It's about recognizing Priorities. It's about the condition of my heart. It's about how I go about meeting my needs. Like eating or shopping or gambling or drinking to numb the pain or fill a void, when really, it wont.  Where do I go FIRST when I feel lost .... or lonely... or hurting... or sad... or confused... or bored??? I want with all my heart to be able to honestly say, I go to The One Who Is Worthy. The One who gives Daily Bread so I will never be hungry again.

Hello, my name is Robyn and I am in recovery.