As August Comes to A Close....

Oh my word!! I have never let this much time go by between blog posts. I guess I took a vacation. Well, this is the month to do it in-- last chance before fall rolls around.

Truthfully, this month has been fun and full. A week long visit with our so-grown-up grandson-- (did this ol' gramma's heart good) two camping trips, and in between. many play dates with my sister (so good to have her 'home') And, to be honest, I think a break from the blog was needed. I was feeling kinda dry there. Not writers block but just feeling tired and in need of a respite.

So, what is ahead this fall? Oh, lots of great stuff! My big exciting thing is that I have taken on a new role in my church, that of small group coordinator for our campus. We are a big church with different locations and the location we attend has not been very focused on getting small groups activated. I aim to change that! Some of my friends are hiding now when they see me coming because they think I am going to ask them to step up and lead a small group. They might be right. ;)

I am pretty passionate about the small group concept. I believe small groups are the backbone of a healthy church. So much of my spiritual growth has come about in the small groups I've participated in. I have seen amazing things take place in other people lives as a result of their small group experience. I am excited and hopeful for my church family to get connected.

I am also pretty pumped up about my renewed walking habit. Since I left my job I have been feeling physically so much better. I don't hurt! And I have energy for other things. I have been committed to walking every day-- sometimes I even manage twice a day. I am averaging 3-4 miles a day and feeling great. I have also been really, really watching my calorie intake and it's paying off!! Whoot Whoot! I am just a few pounds away from reaching my goal and I am loving and laughing over how lose my clothes are fitting. I might have to go shopping for some new outfits pretty soon!!

I have been taking advantage of every sunshiny day and I know the extra Vitamin D is complimenting my anti depressants. I feel strong. I feel confident. I feel positive. Yes, I occasionally have a day where it's hard to get motivated and I still get some flashes of anger that border on irrational...but those are few and far between and flashes really are the right word for them as they dissipate so quickly I have to wonder if they really were there. So, all in all, I am feeling good. Really good.

So good in fact that I have been able to handle today with out any pity parties. 35 years ago today I became a mom for the first time. My son and I have not had any communication in over 3 years and I don't have any solutions for changing that at this time. I have to leave it all in God's hands and trust like the father of the prodigal son, that some day he will return to me and then I can run to meet him and celebrate his return in my life. I feel sad for this separation but I can't change it. It is what it is. Still.... I am sending happy birthday wishes out over the airwaves, hoping he will know somehow, some way, that I love him very much.

August is coming to a close... and , dare I say it.....?????
Autumn is just around the corner......

it's someones birthday

9 years ago today a little girl was born. I met her for the first, and since then, only time, when she was just 7 weeks old. I met her big sister then too, for the first time. I spent 5 precious days soaking up as much cuddles and kisses as I possibly could, not knowing when I might ever have the chance to do this again.
I have not seen these two little girls since and due to circumstances beyond my control, have no way to contact them. I am their grandma but they don't know me.

I don't write a lot, if ever, about the relationship -- or more accurately, the lack of one, that exists between me and my son. He will be 35 this year and it's been 3 years since we last spoke. He was just 13 when I packed up what was left of my spirit and escaped the nightmare that my first marriage has become. My daughter was 10 and she went with me but my son... my son refused. And I didn't push for it. I had no idea where I was going, how I was going to survive or  what the next moment held and I was too fragile to take care of myself, let alone my children. Thankfully good people came along side of me and gave me the strength and confidence I needed to make it through the painful process of establishing safe living arrangements. I counted myself lucky that I had escaped and I was grateful that my little girl was with me. I figured I would be able to bring my son to join us as soon as I was more settled and could convince him that he belonged with me. But he was never convinced. He bought into all his fathers lies and deception and the next several years were full of pain and separation. There were long periods of time-- months that became years, where I didn't know where he was living, what he was doing. I would hear fragments about his life via his sister or other family members... once in awhile our paths would actually cross... but the relationship was broken. Communication was basically nil. Too much time would pass between seeing each other and conversations were always surface based and fringed with animosity (him) and anxiety (me)

Mother's Day was for a very very long time, a great source of pain to me. It's gotten so much better in recent years as the relationship with my daughter has seen much healing and growth. There was even a period of time about 10 years ago when things seemed to be on the mend between my son and I. During that time of seeming stability was when I met my two little granddaughters for the first--- and only-- time. Just a few short years later the marriage between my son and his wife ended and not long after that my son broke off communication with me.... and it has been that way ever since. I learned later that my son lost his parental rights to the girls. Right now I do not know where my grandchildren live or how to contact them or their mother.

I entertain thoughts however, from hiring a detective to find them, and going to see them,  to opening my door some day to find these little blond haired beauties on my front porch saying "hello gramma" in a sweet southern drawl, "we've come to live with you." .... fantasies. little dreams..... sometimes they make me smile and give me hope. other times they just cause my heart to splinter a little bit more.

today is the youngest ones birthday. happy birthday Silver Noelle. This grandma loves you. May you be blessed.

from 2009, sisters Silver and Summer