Break Time

quite possibly the longest hiatus this blog has been on.... while there is MUCH whirling through my heart and mind, putting it down in public forum has me stalled. So... instead, here are a few pictures from our trip to Tall Timber Ranch... just to let you know I'm OK!

one little boy against the back drop of one big mountain!

trillium blooms

a new generation of campers are being raised. 

reunited with old friends.

served on summer staff with this awesome lady two years in a row.

Bruce and volunteer extraordinaire Harry.
 Harry is 92 and still spends all summer at TTR helping out.
(he makes amazing pie too!) 

the love-burkes stopped for a foto-op at a waterfall. 

Shaking Like A Leaf

I've been struggling.  I've never claimed to have it all together but it's often disappointing to be in this place again.

Depression has been sucking everything out of me. I'm sure it's partly related to the stress of our financial situation, with some physical issues added. The time change that brings darkness sooner isn't helping any. Then to top it off, when I try to pray, I've got nothing. No words. It's babble or it's stuttering but its mostly just dead space where words should be. All this combined has resulted in a great big dish of frustration, sadness, pain, anxiety,and desperation. I have felt crippled and blinded.

I have felt like a little leaf trembling in the wind.

Like a little leaf balanced precariously on a tight rope.


Then, this morning I read Lori Roeleveld's blog post and it was as if it was written just for me. She talks about the emptiness she was experiencing. How her prayers sounded like "blah, blah, blah." She said it was because while her mouth was uttering words her heart was empty. As she struggled with this realization she heard Jesus say "Bring that to me. Bring me your emptiness"

Wait. What? God told her to bring Him the emptiness? Aren't we suppose to bring Him an offering of praise? Yet.... He said bring it and then He would fill it.

Her post resonated with me. I'm learning that whatever we bring, be it praise, adoration, requests, anger, pain, sorrow... or a great big pile of nothingness, He welcomes it.

Hebrews 4.16 says: Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Wow.

He welcomes it... and then, transforms it. By His Grace, His Love, His Mercy He takes what ever we have, even the nothing to offer, and turns it into something of wonder.

It might not change the condition of my checking account or lessen the physical pain. It doesn't' always remove the depression and sometimes it doesn't even improve my prayers of dry empty phrases. But it comforts me to know that even in the darkest of times, God is with me. He never abandons me. I may never fully know or understand why He can't just rescue me out of my worst times. Sometimes He does, but often He doesn't. However...He does sit with me in my darkness. He does walk with me through the fire. He swims beside me in the deep waters.

Knowing that gives me the courage and strength to hang on for one more day. Knowing this allows me to rest in His presence.

Seeing that little leaf perched there on that wire the other day made me think of the song Hold Me Jesus by the late Rich Mullins. One line in particular jumped out at me so I had to revisit the lyrics. It seems to capture where my parched and weary soul is these days. It goes:  "So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?" 

I may be perched precariously and trembling but I know, and I trust, God's got me.

Changes

I love to rearrange things. I grew up having built in beds, closets and bookcases. They were practical and sturdy and served their purpose, but maybe because of this, there's a restlessness within me that bursts out every now and again. I like to rearrange the furniture in the living room. I like to move pictures around on the walls. I love a new coat of paint on things and I like switching things up on my blog!

I've been toying with the idea of changing the name of my blog for some time now. As I state on my side bar, I started the blog when we were preparing to go on a mission trip. It was a great way for the folks at home to stay in the loop of what we were doing. I chose the title "How Beautiful On the Mountains" because of the verse from Isaiah 52 that says "how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news" It gets paraphrased a bit in Romans 10 but the meaning is the same. I thought it the perfect name for the blog and as you can see, we take pictures of all the places our feet have gone, in the name of Jesus.

But, more and more, Bruce and I realize that our mission field is right here in our backyard. Or up the mountain. The neighborhood we live in, the church we attend and the people we worship with, that's our mission field. It doesn't preclude that on occasion we may feel compelled to dig out our passport, pack our bags and fly away to Timbuktu! But for the most part, we know this is where we've been called to serve.

Deming, WA

I have also reflected on my posts over the past several months and notice that a lot of what I write about is more geared to my own personal battles, agendas and callings. I feel  compelled to share about my battle with depression, and chronic illness and my victory journey from an abusive past. I love to share how God is walking me through all of it. I celebrate what He has done, is doing and is going to do in my life. It's all good!

After some thought, I decided to change the title of the blog. I wanted to keep a tie to the original however. I use the name "Songbyrd" for my online presence so it seemed like a natural fit. I love to sing and I know God has put the song in my heart.(I have a small tattoo on my ankle of a heart with musical notes that represents just that.) I do feel that God has given me a new song to sing, a song of freedom, a song of rejoicing, a song of thanks.

So..... 
Welcome to (the new and improved) Songyrd on the Mountain!

He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40.3, NRSV

Fresh

there's something about freshness, be it a crisp fresh piece of paper, a fresh aromatic cup of good coffee, a fresh clean t-shirt, the fresh smell of pine, jasmine, or vanilla. Just the word "fresh" is perfect for the images and sounds it conjures up. And with a fresh new season approaching it was time for a fresh look here on the blog.

We had our first snow Monday! I was snuggled deep under the covers, hanging on to every drop of sleep and warmth when my husband whispered into the tangled mess of my hair  "It snowed". I am like a kid about snowfall... as long as I no longer have to drive school bus in it! I sipped my coffee, tucked into in my robe and slippers and watched those mesmerizing flakes furiously swirling down for the time it lasted.

Which wasn't very long and by the time I'd layered up to walk, it was turning to rain. Ah, but it was so pretty while it lasted.

So, welcome Winter.....  what??? I know, I know, it's still Autumn technically and you know me!! I hate it when we RUSH the seasons. But something happens in my brain when December rolls around. It's my birthday month, for one thing and being a December baby (brat that I am) this month makes me feel a little territorial. Those of us who share this month with Christmas know what I'm talking about. And no matter what age I turn, every birthday deserves a fresh approach!

A Big Sigh

and a glass of wine...

I'm sipping and watching the sunset out my back door, after another glorious day of summer weather in the month everyone thinks of as the beginning of fall. Ha, ha-- Mother Nature fools us once again! I love September! We often get the best weather during this month and I am fully aware that the official first day of Autumn is on Saturday. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THIS MONTH!

It's Wednesday which means it was my Mom-day. That always evokes a BIG SIGH out of me once I get home. Today we ran a few errands --both her's and mine. Her's included a trip to the bank and an appointment at her hair salon. Oh, and of course, Zoom Zoom Espresso. Decaf, Soy, Sugar Free Vanilla. All the baristas know her on sight and have her drink memorized. That's nice. She get's a 16 oz every other day. She only drinks half of it and saves the other half for the next afternoon. I kid you not. Hey, we're talking the Queen of Frugal.

Another big sigh squeaked out of me as I posted the final chapter of Broken Places on This Robyn's Nest this evening. 46 chapters plus an epilogue. It took a lot out of me when I first wrote this story. The rewrite has been kinder, but still I tend to read/write the accounts of abuse (fictionalized but based on fact none-the-less) in a zone. Thank God, really, for the healing He has done in my life!! And continues to do. Sharing this story has been powerful and I pray for more power to be released as women stumble across that blog and read about the freedom Christ alone can give!

It's been a heavy week; losing our friend Michael and grieving along with his wife and children. The memorial will be this Saturday. I believe it will be a time of celebration despite the heavy hearts. Michael is no longer battling cancer-- he is healed and free!! I imagine we will be doing a lot of crying along with rejoicing when we gather this weekend. Michael was a talented songwriter/singer and I have about worn out his CD this week playing it over and over again.

On the job front, I believe I jumped through the final hoop as the Doctor signed off on my health and faxed the appropriate paperwork to the Occupational Health Division of the USPS. Whoo Hoo!! I might actually get a start date?!! It's only been since the end of June that I began this process. I'm impressed with myself, LOL.

So, deep sighs,  from feeling accomplished, feeling tired and feeling sorrow mixed with joy.