Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

I'm Conquering Fears!

Left and Right! Bam! Bam! Bam!

In my last post I shared about overcoming a fear of heights to do the zipline. I rode high (no pun intended) on that adventure for weeks! I was just so thrilled to see a correlation between one day God speaking to me about "letting go" and the next actually doing that!

I knew that my fear was more about losing control than it was about heights though.

In July I traveled to Dallas-Fort Worth to attend the annual Premier Designs Rally. It was amazing.... sort of like Women of Faith (conference) meets The Price is Right. For 3 days I listened to inspiring speakers, leaders, teachers, all who said,"yep, we sell jewelry, yep, here's how to grow your business but.... what we are really about is how to Glorify God in all we do!"  WOW. Talk about a spiritual boost! I came away from the Rally on fire and ready to go to the next level in my business.

The last few months have been about testing the waters, and now, here is an intended pun! I tested the waters literally in September at our church camp out. I kayaked!

So, here's another thing about me... although I can swim, I don't like tippy things.... in water. I had a major freak out in a canoe once and decided long ago we just wouldn't do that again. Poor Bruce. He would have loved for us to canoe or kayak but I was not amiable to that! Until that Labor Day Weekend at Silver Lake Park....

Because of the gentle persistence of a couple of very sweet ladies, I caved and found myself in a kayak on Sunday evening.  It was a really wide kayak and I immediately felt pretty safe and comfortable on the water! It was amazing. We paddled across the lake and talked and laughed. It was fun! (Wish I had a picture or two from that because it would have been fun to see my face-- Bruce's face was one of astonishment watching me actually do this!)

As I said before, Fear is really more about not having control over things than it is about the actual things. I'm watching this play out in my mom's life up close. She has been in Assisted Living for the past 4 years and the last several months have seen her declining more and needing more and more help. More than assisted living is designed for. So we've begun the search for a skilled nursing facility in which to move her to.

Her mood is dark these days. She strikes out verbally and speaks of just wishing she was "dead already." She's weak and frail and needs help with just about everything. Her body is wearing out. She's depressed and angry and cantankerous but I think most of it stems from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of  having to trust others to do for her what she's done on her own for so long. Fear of dying even though she knows the Lord and knows she's going to heaven.

Its hard to watch. It's sad. When my dad passed away, over 11 years ago, it was cardiac arrest. One minute he was alive, then next he was gone. No warning. Just that horrible phone call the next morning telling us he had passed. As shocking as that news was/is, it's how I hope I go. I'd rather live fully until that last day rather than linger, sick and weak and needy. But only God knows what or how. I have to trust Him.

I've heard it said that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. That makes sense.
So often we just fear the unknown.
We're scared of the dark because we don't know what's out there.
We're scared of heights and canoes because its unpredictable!
Will we fall?

 And we are afraid of stepping out because,

what if we fail??

But Oh! 
What if we fly?


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1.9

Don't Tip My Cracker!

I told someone today that I have reached a point where it would not take much for the cheese to completely slip off my cracker.

Go ahead, chuckle. I am. It helps to maintain a sense of humor in the midst of it all.

life is good but then this happens...

Life is good. Really it is. I like my job at the bookstore. I like building my jewelry business. But I've been struggling. The lack of interest in writing, lack of enthusiasm for other things I usually enjoy, a strong reluctance to becoming too socially engaged or committed,  has been going on for just a little too long now to pretend it's gonna blow over on its own. I have an appointment on Wed with my Dr for my annual review and I think it's time to ask about a boost to my anti-depressant.

Back in 2005, when I still owned the fitness center and life was stressing me out every which way, back when I was first diagnosed with depression, there was a trial and error period till we found the right anti-depressant. After a couple of months when I started feeling like things had sort of smoothed out I told the Dr, "I think it's working but I still feel like something is off." She added another anti-depressant, a very low dose, but it was enough to bump me up to where it felt like I needed to be.

(I have said often that during that phase of leveling the mental and emotional state, I felt like life was just beige. When she added the extra pill I think I moved from beige into a very very subtle tinge of pink.)

Fast forward to 2009. I had sold my business and was concentrating on really getting healthy. After about a year I felt like I really needed to try life without pills. I reasoned that the things in my life that had brought me down were no longer there so didn't it make sense to at least try going pill free?I owed it to myself to try! And... I did "OK" for a couple of years but if you've followed this blog you know where eventually I ended up. (no, not the loony bin! but... there was a cracker with no cheese on it....)

I have made peace with the fact that I need a pill each day to help me. I see it as a reminder that I do nothing in my own strength. If depression is my 'thorn in the flesh' that's ok because God's Grace is sufficient for me.

What Am I Doing?

Life's been pretty busy between building my new jewelry business, working part time at the bookstore, watching my grandsons one day a week, and keeping the home fires burning. Not to mention, the writing group I co-facilitate and the book project we are working on there. Then my former self-employed hubby has picked up a side job as project manager for a new restaurant set to open sometime this summer and that has me running errands again. Yes, life is a little busy. I don't have time for depression or anxiety or fibromyalgia to interfere with things. But it does. 

With my husband leaving the house an hour earlier most mornings, I find myself stumbling around, coffee cup in hand, feeling sleep deprived and out of sorts. When I give in to the lure of the still warm rumpled blankets on the bed and crawl under them I find the delicious cocoon my mind and body craves. I doze and awaken to sunshine sneaking through the cracks of the curtain, or the sounds of raindrops splattering against the windows. Sleep cycle disrupted again I struggle the rest of the day to find my rhythm. It's frustrating. Walking daily seems like a distant memory, something someone did a long time ago but I can't remember who or why. I force myself to push past fibro-pain, cloudy thinking and loss of passion for most things. People annoy me and the thought of engaging in conversation is so overwhelming I can't even ....

I lay on my bed a lot and flick aimlessly through apps on my phone.I ask myself if I need to talk to the doctor about changing my anti-depressant or do something different.  It's worrisome. 

But on the mornings when things seem to fall into place and I do find my rhythm it's glorious! I stay awake, I throw a load of laundry in the wash and scrub down the counters and swoosh a mop across the floors. I go for a walk and I snap pictures left and right of everything I see. I breathe deep and I listen for cues that nudge me here or there. I work my business and study to make it better. I go to work with a smile and energy. I have my list of things to do and I knock it out of the park. I think "life is amazing and so am I". And at the end of the day I wonder what made it different from the day before? 

Depression is a thief. It steals my joy, my energy, my creativity. Anxiety is a rope that ties me to a chair and holds me prisoner in my room. Physical pain is crippling and only feeds my depression more. In those darkest moments I seek out the Psalms and feel David's anguish as he pours out his soul. 

These things I remember as I pour out my soul... Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. 

This, That and The Other Thing

this....
I'm taking a writing course! 
The School of Creative Christian Writing, taught by Jeanne Halsey, is halfway through and I am being challenged both in thought and emotions. It's good and it has got me back into some writing. This is good! More on that another day. It's a lot to process!

that...
Speaking of writing...
The Christian Women Writers Group that I co-facilitate with my sister, has caught the attention of a friend who hosts a Podcast on FaithPlace. She has invited my sis and I to come be interviewed for her show as a way to encourage other women to start their own group! It will be a live interview. Little nervous about that! It's happening on May 5th on the Karolyn Merriman Show at 10 am. Since it's a podcast, you can catch the interview anytime.

the sassy sisters sparkling in high fashion jewelry

the other thing...
Sparkling Over Here....
About 15 years ago I took a leap into the field of being an independent distributor for a jewelry company called Premier Designs. I had some fun for a few months but due to other things going on in my life, I kind of ran into a wall and let it go. My beautiful niece, who was responsible for recruiting me back then, has been with the company for more than 16 years and it's proved very profitable and rewarding for her. Every once in awhile she'd check in with me and ask if I'd ever consider coming back to rep the line. I'd say "thanks but no thanks" but then in February when she asked me again, it just seemed there was a definite nudge to really consider it. So, I took the leap again and resigned with Premier. I'm now a Jewelry Lady! I've always been impressed with the company and all it stands for and the jewelry is lovely. I've done my training show and have launched seemingly successfully. I am excited and see this as an opportunity to continue in a ministry to women. It's not about sales. It's about service and I was created to serve!  I'm still working one or two days a week at the Christian bookstore so this is a perfect compliment to my busy life.

and just a tad bit more..
We've been working on some remodeling in our kitchen. It's a work in progress but I'm pleased with the results thus far.
I'm looking forward to my grandson coming to visit this summer for a few weeks.
I'm eager to go camping and I'm loving longer days and warmer weather. The dark fog of winter has lifted and life is beautiful.

Step by Step

O God, you are my God

and I will ever praise you!

I will seek you in the morning

I will learn to walk in your ways.

And step by step

You'll lead me and 

I will follow you all of my days.*

Life has been good. I've been busy. The empty page for writing that used to taunt me has taken a back burner to the activities God's been bringing me. I got a job!
I started in Oct. Its part time and seasonal which means after Christmas we will see if they want to keep me on. But the job is great and I'm helping people and surrounded by good people. Its working in a Christian bookstore-- what a good fit! Books, Jesus and serving others!

I've been too busy to worry about writing although there are days the thought nags at me that I've neglected my blog, neglected my muse, neglected my creative side. But being involved in others lives has kept me from going too deep into worry.

With the changing of the clock and the changing of the seasons came the potential for an increase in feeling lethargic. In times past it's gotten me down pretty low. This year I was prepared for it mentally and it hasn't dropped me to my knees. I still have days when it feels like my anti-depressant isn't working as well as it should but I'm pushing on, refusing to let that stop me from reaching for positive things.

I have an exciting goal set for January of going to visit my daughter and grandkids in Florida and the job is the blessing that will allow it to happen! It's long past due for a visit.

All in all, life is good. And I just keep taking one day at a time, one step at a time, letting God take the lead.

* lyrics from Rich Mullins, Sometimes/Step by Step

Number 19

We just celebrated our 19th Wedding Anniversary. That's almost two decades folks. In this day and age, I think it's a wonderment to make it past 10 years let alone almost 20!

What is the secret ingredient that Bruce and I use to keep our marriage on course?
Short answer: God.

Our marriage has always been centered in Jesus Christ. We believe He brought us together, on purpose, for a purpose and each day we see glimpses of those purposes that spur us on to more.

But to break it down into applicable illustrations I give you 19 things, in no particular order, that we do that have helped keep our relationship solid.

1. Laughter
a sense of humor is important and laughing releases feel good endorphins! (by the way, laughing together is awesome...laughing at one another is a good way to stay humbled but tread lightly there.)
2. Prayer
praying together, praying  for one another. It makes a HUGE difference. (check out the Power of a Praying Wife/Husband by Stormie OMartia)Try it when you are in the midst of a disagreement and see if that doesn't have an impact!

3. Communication
open, honest, sometimes frank, but always laced with love and respect. And we keep working on making it better.
4. Romance
flowers and candy, that's dandy! But touch my heart and make it spark!
5. Playtime
whether its outdoor activities we both enjoy or just watching a fun movie together.
6. Joint Projects
from big projects like fixing up our vintage trailer to smaller ones like setting up camp, we each have a part to play and it enhances the experience when we each do our part and also when we help the other with theirs.
7. Date Night
So important!! We can get pretty caught up in giving our time to other needs and other people so its important that we stop and evaluate when was the last time we had some quality time alone together. And it doesn't have to be expensive-- coffee and a walk is just fine.
8. Listening
That moment at the end of the day when you sit down and face one another and ask how was your day, and listen to their answer with full attention.

9. R.E.S.E.P.C.T
Find our what it means to me. Now that you're singing it, discovering what your mate values and giving it the respect that deserves is crucial. Speaking to each other in respectful tones matters. Sarcasm cuts deep.
10. Space
giving one another space to breathe, space to rest, space to think, space to just be ourselves.
11. Encouragement
sometimes just hearing the words 'you can do this' can make all the difference in the world.
12. Freedom 
to be the me who God called me to be. and permission to pursue it without guilt. Freedom to make choices. Freedom to express opinions without fear of judgement.
13. Trust
regardless of knowing all the details, I can choose to trust --and be patient in getting all the answers.

14. Understanding
it's hard to know whats going on inside the other persons head but seeking to understand is the first step.
15. Grace
whoa. daily. big time. just extend grace in the moment even if forgiveness isn't possible quite yet... and speaking of....
16. Forgiveness,
always be quick to give it.
17. Words of Affirmation
words of life! express gratitude to your spouse, be thankful for big and small things.
18. Acts of Service
I pack his lunch, he makes the morning coffee. It's little things but it all says I love you.
19. Community
having family and friends who hold us accountable, pray for us and love us has had a major positive impact on our own relationship. We highly recommend every married couple be in some sort of small group for that intimate time of community.

So, there you have it.

 I don't claim to have the answers but this is something that is working for us. We are committed to the marriage and we are committed to Christ who directs it.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Joy in Jesus. Jesus Alone.

If I don't find my  joy in Jesus, I will forever fall short of joy in everything else. 


When Jesus prayed for his men (John 17) one of the things he prayed fervently is for them to have the full measure of joy. Have you ever stopped to wonder about this? What does a full measure of joy look like? And why does Jesus want his guys-- and us for that matter-- to have it?

So much of our worldview brings with it the impression that our joy can be found in many things the world has to offer. Even seemingly innocent things, things that can truly be counted as good for us. For example, who hasn't desired to find satisfaction and joy in their career? That we should be so blessed as to find a job that is a joy to work at seems like a gift. Indeed, it is. But if I count on my job or my hobbies, even my family to be my primary source of joy, I will always fall short.

I have been impressed with the knowledge that just as true satisfaction can only come through a life centered in Christ, so it is with joy. Experiencing fullness of joy requires making Christ the center, the focus of all.

That said, what about when life hands you lemons?

The same prayer where Jesus prayed for fullness of joy for his men says even when the world hates them.

 Verse after verse in the Bible encourages-- no-- commands us-- to give thanks, to be thankful, to rejoice even, when trouble comes our way. Is it in the tragedies and struggles of life that we become convinced that joy just isn't in the cards for us? Yet Jesus told the disciples "in this world you will have trouble. But take heart, for I have overcome the world!" (John 16.33)

Walking with Jesus has taught me that joy is mine for the taking whether in good times or bad, because my joy comes from Jesus. If joy eludes me it is because I have not set my eyes on Jesus and looked to Him for complete and utter fulfillment. When my joy comes from Him only then will I find true satisfaction and joy in all the other areas of my life.

Practicing the Art of Abundance

At a recent meeting for my women's writing group, the subject of abundance came up. One of the members had brought a book full of poetic phrases designed to capture the essence of abundance. I left that day challenged to seek out and appreciate more fully that which is abundant in my little world. 

I've been giving it some thought and on the day that I locked my keys inside my car and had to wait two hours for my rescuer to come and unlock the car, I thought about how nice an extra set of car keys would have been right about then! I suppose I thought having one set more than I needed was an abundance I didn't need but I'm thinking differently now.  (I USED to have a hide-a-key under my car bumper but it is likely to be rusting away on the bottom of some pot hole ridden back road. And there is SUPPOSED to be an extra key tucked into a drawer at home but it has gone AWOL) 

Later that day, home and feathers slowly un-ruffling, as I put away my groceries I thought about abundance some more. 

A fruit bowl piled high with shiny apples
 and plump juicy oranges
A fresh vibrant colored array of vegetables
 piled high in the produce drawer of the fridge
A freezer stocked piled with food 
and a pantry lined with an assortment 
of bright colored packages and cans
A kitchen full of healthy yummy food products
            This is abundance.

When I take my cup of fresh brewed coffee, 
mixed with sweet heavenly cream 
and I tiptoe out onto the front porch, 
barefoot and still in my jammies,
when I park myself on my 
kaleidoscope colored patio chair 
and breath in the still cool freshness of a new day, 
when I turn my face to the sun and let it kiss my face 
and let the breeze tousle my hair
               This is abundance.

On laundry day when the piles of clothes seem endless
and there is no more room on the clothes line 
When the sheets need changing on the bed 
and I must decide between flannel or cotton
or whether or not to add  the extra blanket
When it's time to get the fans back out of storage 
and I have one for upstairs and one for down
              This is abundance.

Abundance is noticing just how many Bibles we have, 
when I know there are others who are rejoicing over having 
just one page of a Bible.
Abundance is not complaining about 
having to dust the library shelves
where rows of books are assembled.  
Abundance is having gas in my tank, 
enough to get me to places I want to be, 
not just the places I need to be.
Abundance is staring at the shoes in my closet 
trying to decide which ones to wear today,
knowing others go barefoot.

Abundance is...
    fresh drinking water
       a lawn to mow
          a house to clean
             a meal to cook
               a garden to grow
A family to love.


All the things I might take for granted...
               come from living a life of.....
                                                        Abundance. 

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14.1

this thing called monday

i love mondays.
said no one ever.
except for me.
because i'm a little funny that way.
i don't work outside of the home.
I am an 'old fashioned' wife;
i get up each morning and
make his breakfast, pack his lunch
and send him on his way to work
with a kiss and a smile.
and i love that.
i love that "this" is my job.

i love the weekends.
said everybody.
including me.
because it means time with hubby
and chores and church
and couple stuff.
projects to work on, maybe some playtime.
weekend get aways
even if they happen in the backyard.
gathering with friends, social time.
but...draining my battery,
even as i laugh and love and live.

but come monday
i am happy to have my house back
under my domain.
my time to recharge from the weekend
happens on mondays.
bye-bye honey,
come to me you big beautiful cup of coffee.
let's sit here awhile
there is plenty of time
to start the laundry and
wash the dishes.
i love this solo time.

come monday.

REWIND??

Back in 1986 I watched a fantasy/comedy movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married"  In the movie, a woman named Peggy Sue attends her 25- year high school reunion. She's recently separated from her (cheating) husband Charlie. She regrets some of the decisions she made in her life-- such as marrying Charlie. When she faints at the reunion and wakes up in 1960-- back in high school, she's suddenly given the chance to live her life again. She sets out to change things... only... some choices are more complicated... her relationship with Charlie being just one of them.

I suppose all of us at one time or another has wondered if we had the chance do our lives over again, if we wouldn't do some things differently. I know I have.  If I woke up to find myself back in high school I want to think I'd make much wiser decisions, knowing then what I know now. However, who I am today is based on the experiences I have had. So, if I had a rewind button on my life, while I might be tempted to push it  I think it would be to revisit the highlights of my life, just for the pleasure of reliving those moments...

family hikes...
camping...
the birth of my children...
the falling in love experience with my sweetie....
vacations that brought much  happiness....
meeting my grandchildren for the first time...

But perhaps the one thing I would truly love to re-experience are the mountain top highs in my relationship with Jesus. 

I've been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I was raised in the faith, having attended church my whole life and except for some teen-age rebellious years, have pretty much tried to walk the talk. It wasn't until I was in my 30's however that I realized that what I'd been calling my "Christian Life" wasn't exactly the full life that God had planned for me. I'd been living life according to Robyn, making decisions based on what I thought was best for me, not on seeking out what was God's best for me. 

The day I came face to face with this truth was the day my relationship with Jesus got real. I realized that a lot of what I had been doing was based on religion: going through the motions of bible reading, attending church, praying and signing up for lots of 'do-good' activities. When I caught a glimpse of just how much Jesus loved me and how much He wanted a real relationship with me, that's when things began to change. For the better.

Since then, it's been a process, a journey, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but an exciting adventure with laughter, tears, sorrows and joys. And while I wouldn't trade that for anything, there are times I realize I've been coasting, sort of taking my Christian life for granted. I start getting a little lukewarm about things... the passion cools, the mind wanders, and then I find I've drifted into a dry and weary desert... again.

I really don't like when this happens. That's when I wish I  could push a rewind button and go back to the times where I felt the Holy Spirit powerfully at work within me. This last time of desert dryness I finally reached a point of such frustration that I did something either incredible brave or incredible stupid. I asked the Lord to ignite in me a Holy Passion for the things He wants me to go after.

I prayed that prayer and then sat back in fear and trepidation wondering what would happen next. It's been a few weeks since I prayed that prayer-- and I've even repeated it a time or two. It's been a slow, tender unfolding but change is happening. I feel like I am coming out of a long winter's nap and as I stretch and yawn and look around, I feel like a little branch on a tree, it's delicate shoot gently unfurling a little more each day.

God knows me so well and while in someone else's life He might bring change swift and powerfully, He knows me and He knows my circumstances. He knows at what speed I need to travel --when to go fast, when to go slow. But each day I have felt the passion re-igniting. Yes, it's slow but it's enough. And I am aware that the rewind button isn't necessary. It's a brand new movie and while occasionally I might catch a peek of the trailer, it's with my best interest in mind that God reveals things to me in just the right measure, at just the right speed, at just the right time.

Praise  God!

On Handling Disappointments

The big word is always TRUST. 

We all know one of life's Big Questions is "where is God when bad things happen", or some variation of that. One of the things that has been pressing close to my heart this past week is from Romans 8.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (Romans 8. 35 NLT)

What I hear in this passage is that regardless of my circumstances, I am still God's beloved child (I John 3.2) and I will never be snatched out of His hand. (John 10.28) Unless I willingly choose to step out of His protection in pursuit of my own selfish pleasures of this world, unless I am turning my back on God's will for my life, I am and will be, forever firmly planted in His care. 

It's been difficult to understand this long stretch of financial challenges Bruce and I have been traveling. If Life is a Road then there have been times when it feels like ours looks like this:

The hills and the valleys both bring challenges, the hairpin curves feel threatening, fog and rain make it difficult to navigate. There's been flat tires, engine failures and empty gas tanks. We've had to get out and push the car up the hill some days. (I'm speaking metaphorically, you understand) And it's been difficult to comprehend because it's not like we drive a clunker. In other words.... we are persistent in trying to follow what we believe is God's will. 

What it comes down to in this life is this: Trust. It's so crucial isn't it? I have to trust other people in order to build real relationships with them. I have to trust that things we set out to do will yield positive results. And I have to trust that God's Word is true. Trusting that God has the best plan for my life. Trusting that whatever life brings, nothing can snatch me out of His hand.

This week we got the news about the job Bruce applied for. The answer was a disappointing no. I thought I would be crushed by this, based on how badly I was rooting for it. The funny thing is, I did feel sad and disappointed and yet ...not without hope. While my first thought was "noooooooo!!!", my second thought was "God has something else in mind." 

There have been times I have wondered if we were somehow being punished for something we did--which I could accept being in dire straights if we were operating under illegal or immoral principles. I'd get it if we were lazy people who didn't want to work. But the God I know doesn't operate that way for people who follow Him. I don't follow the 'name it and claim it' theology but I do believe God wants to bless us. I am learning however that sometimes His blessings come in very different packages. 

I have to trust that what we are living is all part of God's plan for our lives. That even when I can't see what the purpose of the moment is, there is a higher purpose. Whether it is to teach us or someone else a lesson, to develop something in our character that still needs refining, or to build up something in us that no one can tear down, I need to trust God.

I must choose to trust God. Because any other option will break me. 

  

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8. 38-39 NLT)

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

A sobering realization hit me the other day. There is a lie buried deep in my subconscious that I have taken as truth. Its probably been there since childhood and it has shaped how I interact with God and live my life in relation to Him.

To get this, I have to bring some background into the picture. I was raised in a "God-fearing" church environment. When I say "God- Fearing" I mean just that. I thought of  God as Mighty King and Judge because that was how He was presented to me by the men who preached each Sunday. When I was nine years old I prayed the prayer asking Jesus to save me. I prayed it because I was afraid I was going to go to hell and burn forever.

It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I came to understand that God was more than just someone to fear. I got my first taste of the loving-kindness of Jesus when in my broken state of pre-divorce, with all my ugly hurts spilling out and consuming me, I needed His Grace, Love and Mercy so desperately.  Crying out for Him, He responded: "I want to restore your soul. But I have to have all the pieces."

Full surrender on my part was the key and in that moment I was able to turn to Christ in a way I never had before. Instead of my cries for help based on fear and desperation, I was brought to my knees by His abundant love for me and His desire to have a real relationship with me. That was the turning point and when real growth took place in my walk with the Lord.

Many times of significant healing took place over the next several years and I could feel the chains being broken, link by link, and each day my wings unfurled just a little bit more, allowing me to fly by His grace. Yet, a damaged wing would continue to keep me flying close to the ground, never rising up as high as He or I would love for me to go. I figured this was "OKAY" because He said that in my weakness, I am strong, His grace being all sufficient.

So back to the lie buried inside me that I was accepting as truth. Somewhere, somehow, I came to believe that many of the mistakes I have made are living on in the form of punishment. Punishment from God the Judge. I made a lot of mistakes in my teen years. Running away from home. Marrying at 17. Choices in that first marriage that resulted in years of emotional damage and psychological abuse. I made a lot of mistakes in the years following the divorce, regarding my children and other relationships. And I GET that from choices come consequences. That despite forgiveness we will still have to live with the repercussions of our actions. But it was more than that for me. I was/am still living under the banner of punishment to some degree.

For example. I have had periods of estrangement with both of my children. My son was 13 when I left his dad and things have been strained (to put in mildly) between us since then. The guilt I carry over the way things played out has crippled me in my ability to rebuild a bridge between us. Even though I know that I did the best I could given the broken state I was operating from, and even though I have sought forgiveness from God and from my children, I still struggle with guilt. On some level, I must still believe that I was/am a horrible mother. On some level, deep down, based on all the bad decisions I made, I must think I don't deserve to have a good relationship with my children.

For example. I have had issues with money management from early on. As a single mom I got myself into some deep doo-doo financially. Then I married Bruce and continued to make some poor choices. I'm not talking credit card debt or high stake loans, just every day un-wise, over-spending on things.  A few years ago I got some good prayer council that turned things around for me and I have been able to work with the monthly budget and stick to it. Yet, I realized the other day that on some level I have come to believe the lie that says our current financial issues are a direct result of my past mistakes. That our current situation is a punishment from God the Judge.

Like I said; this has been buried deep inside me, causing me to operate on a subconscious level effectively stunting my spiritual walk. It is time to go back to the basics.... If I confess my sin He is faithful and just to forgive my sin... and He removes my sin as far as the east is from the west. In His eyes I am now forgiven. Righteous.

The enemy would have me believe otherwise, in an attempt to rob me of my joy and of my ability to live in the fullness of Christ. I am coming to see how thinking I should be punished has caused the broken wing that keeps me flying so close to the ground. Yes, I have to live with the consequences of my actions-- if I spend the paycheck unwisely we wont make it to the end of the month-- but facing financial chaos isn't punishment from God. The consequences of my rebellion as a young woman, ultimately resulted in estrangement from my children, but it's not punishment from God.

I am prayerfully committing to having this lie removed from my heart, mind and soul. I am choosing to believe that I am forgiven. I am choosing to live like I am forgiven. In Christ I am a new creation.

I may need (daily) reminders of this until it sticks, but blessedly I know where to go for it.

Half Full.... But Of What?

I've always thought of myself as a glass half full kind of gal, and sometimes even full to overflowing. I think it is significant to point out that even in my deepest darkest days of depression I've still felt my cup was half full.

This morning though, I was struck with the thought, half full of WHAT?

I guess it hit me as I was kicking a pair of shoes back into the closet, trying to take a short cut to putting something away, a short cut that ended up taking longer than just doing it the right way in the first place, because as I kicked, my little toe, which has been outfitted with a GPS specially designed for finding sharp corners, connected with the said sharp corner and the words that flew out of my mouth as I hopped on one foot, were nothing to be proud of.

This follows a day last week when I found myself screaming obscenities into the tub of my washing machine as I worked to untangle a pair of panties that had twisted itself around the agitator, sucking everything else in the wash into its vortex. The only thing that kept me from popping a blood vessel was to finally walk away knowing there was a chocolate bar in the freezer, and really, is twisted knickers worth having a hemorrhage over?

I've always known there were things to be thankful for, things to believe in, things to hope for. That's what makes me the glass half full person that I am. But when I find myself irritated by little things, when someone says something that sounds remotely critical and my first reaction is one of defensiveness, when I find myself erecting the old wall around my tender spots... well, that makes me wonder just where my attitude really falls in the glass empty/glass full category. 

What struck me this morning is that sometimes there's vinegar in my cup. 

So I ruminated on this, while rubbing my toe and then getting dressed (and why are these panties all stretched to hell? .........OH. Yah.) I knew there was some life lesson tied in with this and so I wouldn't forget this moment I posted something to that effect on my Facebook status. Then I went to my women's writers group and in the meeting room of the coffee house we meet at, I saw a poster on the wall of a mug spilling over with coffee beans that said "Half Full or Half Empty; it really doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, it's what's in the cup that matters." 

Huh. 

Ooookay. Obviously this is a thought I DO need to spend some time on. Maybe I am an optimist, and filled with hope but there's a sour side to me that comes to the surface every now and again. I find it rises most often when surrounded by people I don't trust. I'm not talking about being discerning here. I'm talking about people whom I know have the capability of hurting me. People who I've let get close only to be stomped on. People I trusted only to be let down. People who've proved to be less than I believed they would be. 

Well, shoot, that's just about everybody in the world. We all fall down in our relationships. No matter how well meaning we are, we just fail from time to time. I fall often. I fail often. I've experienced it with family and friends and I know they've been on the receiving end of my foibles. 

What happens is that because I've been let down, I start coming to expect it. Take for example my mother. (Please, take my mother.) I love my mom. Of course I do. But she is, God bless her, NOT the happiest camper in the campground. I think it's safe to say my mother is a glass half empty individual. She can be cranky, difficult, sulky, cranky, obstinate, hard to please, did I say cranky? So, when ever I go to visit her, I go wearing my armor. I have come to expect that she will say something that will push a button. I expect she will be argumentative, she will whine, she will berate me and be ungrateful. I know for sure she's going to be cranky. And you know what? I'm usually right. She dishes out exactly what I was expecting. I was right to put up my guard. But in doing so, I find I hold back some of my love. My cup has vinegar in it.

I think about how Christ loves. Fully. Completely. Unconditionally. There's no vinegar in His Cup. And don't I, as a Christ follower, want to be more like Christ? Live like Christ? Love like Christ? Oh, that my cup would overflow, overflow with the sweetest honey. 

What will it take to ensure my cup is sweet? 

The fruits of the Spirit include love. I think that's where I begin. I state right here on my blog that I am loving fully but I am being convicted as I write this. I've placed conditions and restrictions on my heart. I like the idea of loving fully but if I am really honest with myself, I've been holding back. Sure, I can make a case for protecting myself but it comes right back again to living my life as a Christ follower. Ephesians 5.2 says "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God." 

In "My Utmost for His Highest" Oswald Chambers says "Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer—to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Or do you say, “I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don’t want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my own sacrifice."

In Philippians 2.17 Paul wrote: But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.

Oswald goes on to say: It is one thing to follow God’s way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a “doormat” under other people’s feet. ...  Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket—to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted—not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister? 

Ouch. 

Yet I know, if I walk away from this conviction, if I shelve it until I feel stronger, or more ready to commit, I will effectively be denying Jesus. I already feel twisted up inside, much like those poor little panties were, and I know that God is calling me to go deeper with Him. If I want my cup to be full and sweet, I must respond. I must say "Yes." 

Changes

I love to rearrange things. I grew up having built in beds, closets and bookcases. They were practical and sturdy and served their purpose, but maybe because of this, there's a restlessness within me that bursts out every now and again. I like to rearrange the furniture in the living room. I like to move pictures around on the walls. I love a new coat of paint on things and I like switching things up on my blog!

I've been toying with the idea of changing the name of my blog for some time now. As I state on my side bar, I started the blog when we were preparing to go on a mission trip. It was a great way for the folks at home to stay in the loop of what we were doing. I chose the title "How Beautiful On the Mountains" because of the verse from Isaiah 52 that says "how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news" It gets paraphrased a bit in Romans 10 but the meaning is the same. I thought it the perfect name for the blog and as you can see, we take pictures of all the places our feet have gone, in the name of Jesus.

But, more and more, Bruce and I realize that our mission field is right here in our backyard. Or up the mountain. The neighborhood we live in, the church we attend and the people we worship with, that's our mission field. It doesn't preclude that on occasion we may feel compelled to dig out our passport, pack our bags and fly away to Timbuktu! But for the most part, we know this is where we've been called to serve.

Deming, WA

I have also reflected on my posts over the past several months and notice that a lot of what I write about is more geared to my own personal battles, agendas and callings. I feel  compelled to share about my battle with depression, and chronic illness and my victory journey from an abusive past. I love to share how God is walking me through all of it. I celebrate what He has done, is doing and is going to do in my life. It's all good!

After some thought, I decided to change the title of the blog. I wanted to keep a tie to the original however. I use the name "Songbyrd" for my online presence so it seemed like a natural fit. I love to sing and I know God has put the song in my heart.(I have a small tattoo on my ankle of a heart with musical notes that represents just that.) I do feel that God has given me a new song to sing, a song of freedom, a song of rejoicing, a song of thanks.

So..... 
Welcome to (the new and improved) Songyrd on the Mountain!

He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40.3, NRSV

Senior Moments? Who Me?

What a silly day it's been.
For one thing it was raining and yet it was too warm for a jacket.
I had a bunch of stuff to do and I had my list.
I forgot the list when I left the house and I left the house late because I was making a list.
I was halfway to town when I realized I left my phone behind.
No time to retrieve it so I drove on.
After my first appointment I realized I forgot the clothes I was going to take to consign.
And my car was on empty because I forgot to fuel up this morning before I left.
I limped into Safeway because I forgot to put my super feet in my non-supportive-but-very-cute- shoes.
I got my Rx and fueled up at the Safeway gas pumps. Two nice things happened.
The price of my prescription has gone down about a dollar and I had Safeway points to use for fuel.
With a full tank I pulled out on the road and was driving  like a horse heading for the barn, when
I remembered my sister had invited me for tea and....
I was halfway home and couldn't call her because my phone was at home!

Talk about 'Senior Moments" !! Is this what I have to look forward to?

The day was not a total waste however because, Life IS Good. God is good. The rain stopped and it got very sunny and warm and I got in another bike ride today. I love my new bike! It is exactly what I have been dreaming about and looking for for some time. One speed, old school brakes, fat tires, my favorite color... it even has a bell now. Note the beverage holder-- perfect for a glass of wine. Just kidding. Water bottle!!

After my bike ride, (I am going to have fabulous thighs) I was inspired to do some writing and the story I have been thinking on for some time got squeezed out in a few hours! Whew. Except I lost track of time and there was NO Dinner ready when my man came home! Not to fear... I had stir fry makings in the fridge and we were sitting down to eat 30 minutes later.

And totally unrelated to any of this, I want to share some photos from the amazing sunset the other evening. Because these kinds of things so blow me away and remind me of just what an incredible Creator we have!

shooting through a car window pane, in a moving vehicle...

Yep. Life is beautiful. God is good.