In A Whisper

Pounding rain against the roof and windows at 4am. Driven from my bed from a need to pee, I listen in awe to this summer shower turned reckless. Back under the covers I try to find the perfect position in which to return to slumber for a couple more hours. I am challenged by 3 things. A backache that just won't quit, a snoring husband and a neurotic cat who thinks I want to cuddle now. Correction. Who thinks I should cuddle now.

But as I snuggle deeper under my blankets and smell the freshness this rain brings, my thoughts return to the troublesome issue that's been plaguing me for days now. My job. I have been off work for going into my 3rd week and am not scheduled to return till the 1st of July. A stress fracture on my foot that was then complicated with shin splints from wearing a walking boot, followed by my back going out due to what I can only attribute to a lack of activity, has left me confused about whether to sit or stand. Sitting causes my back to spasm, standing puts pressure on my foot. Laying in my bed seems to me a logical conclusion and until my antidepressants catch up with me, it's where I truly want to be. But, my job. What about my job?

I have been there 6 months and during this time the physical work has never gotten easier. I like what I do and I enjoy the work atmosphere for the most part, however, physically it kicks my butt every single day and I am seriously questioning whether or not I can  continue.... As I roll over and push my cat away from my face, I mentally list all the things that hurt.
Rotator Cuffs. Both of them torn, operated on and then torn again and basically, at this point, stable but always ready to make me miserable should I do one small thing to set them off.
Fibromyalgia. It's been over 10 years since I was diagnosed with this chronic disease and I have learned for the most part how to counteract it and live with it. I keep it under control by watching what I eat, getting equal amount of rest and exercise, and trying to avoid the things that can trigger it. Fibromyalgia also presents a wide range of issues from the achy body to brain fog, to insomnia and more. Loads of fun. Loads.
Stress fracture in the foot. Not getting better. Wondering if there is perhaps also some arthritis in the ankle as it aches when it's fixing to rain. Which in Washington is just about all the time.
Back issues that come and go... such as now. My back goes out more than I do.
And lastly, Depression that can range from debilitating to manageable, but always, the threat of a dark cloud is there.

This is my list and no wonder sleep is elusive. I kick the covers off my feet as I feel a hot flash developing. And then, a whisper. Words flash across my brain, my heart and I think... "God... is that You?"
Because, He does speak to me, and usually, almost always,  in my quiet, unguarded moments.
I listen.
He says "Trust. Try. Talk."

"Trust. Trust in Me. I have it under control. Trust me to lead you in everything. And Trust your husband. I have appointed him the spiritual leader of your household and he's following my lead. It's going to be alright."

"Try. Do you best and leave the rest up to Me. That's all I ask. I am strong where you are weak and I know where your weaknesses are better than you do. All you have to do is try."

"Talk. Communication is key. Talk to Me. Talk to Bruce. Talk to your boss."

I drift back to sleep for maybe another 30 minutes or so. When I have my coffee and my bible reading plan ready for my morning devotions, I discover the title of my read is 'God Speaks to His Friends". Interesting. Not a coincidence, this morning's topic for me.

God speaks. In a whisper. Are you listening?

Martha, Mary and Me

I realize the amount of "Things To Do" between now and when we leave Wed. is of such magnitude that the last thing I should be doing is sitting here but as I said on my Facebook status this morning, the next two days will require Martha-like diligence and the only way to survive this is to start the day like Mary.

I have often experienced Mary-Martha tug-of-wars. I want to just sit at the feet of Jesus and rest and revel in His presence but obligations, responsibilities and perhaps even some pride have often tripped me up. I know Martha often gets a bad rap and I would love to write about this at greater length.     Some day.
I would love to delve more fully into the peace and wisdom that comes with Mary's actions.      Another day.
For right now I just needed to express that for those of you who are facing your own 'to-do' lists as you count down the days till Christmas, as you worry over details, remember.... there is really only ONE thing to be concerned about....

"But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it and it will not be taken away from her." ~ from the Gospel of Luke, chapter 10


May you find a little peace today.

Working the Faith Muscle

If you have ever gone to the gym and done a vigorous workout, or started any new exercise program, you will know what I mean when I reference the jello-ey feeling in your legs as you stagger your way to the shower. When I started working at Curves last winter and hit those machines after months of being away from them, I certainly felt the ache, even as I welcomed it. Same with walking. This fall I began walking again and I try to log in 2-3 miles every day. When I skip a day or two and try to hit the 3 mile mark the first day out, I never quite make it. I have to turn around at my 1 mile marker and head back to the house. I recently was given an exercise bike and since I use it only when the weather is just too nasty for a walk, and it uses muscles in a different way, I come away from that feeling wiped. But I value that feeling of invigoration as the endorphins kick in and I like knowing my body is getting stronger and my jeans are fitting better. Exercise is good. I am making my muscles stronger.

My faith muscle is getting a real workout again too. We are moving into the winter season where work is progressively slower especially in construction. Every year we go through this but the last couple of winters, in our present economy, it's been tougher than most. We barely squeaked through October and now here comes November and we've got trouble. I won't start my new job for another week and it will be 3 weeks out from that start date before I see a paycheck. Bruce has a few jobs lined up for the month but they are short turnarounds meaning the money comes in fits and spurts. It adds an extra layer of challenges to sitting down at the desk to pay bills when you need to collect money all month before you have enough to send it in all the directions it needs to go.

Next month is our mission trip to Costa Rica to work at the children's home there. We've been planning this since last spring. We are so excited to go and we are so grateful and amazed at how God is orchestrating things. Our airfare has already been purchased and we have raised the money for the materials for the needed repairs. Funding for our lodging, meals and ground transport is a worry I try not to dwell on. Every time we have gone on missions the funding has come through and I try to rest in that. Still, with the constant pressure to find ways to pay the regular monthly expenses it does wear at me when I think about the lump sum needed to make this trip happen.

Aaagh, I know you have walked through this with me before, dear readers. God is faithful. He supplies our needs in amazing ways!! I guess my concern-- complaint if I am truly honest, is the constant living in "Crisis Mode" that wears me down. Like those muscles that are left shaky after a good workout, my Faith Muscle feels shaky too. I know it's being strengthened and this is good but wow, some days I am left panting, exhausted, desperate for rest.

Of Broken Down Vehicles, New Printers and Sleeping In.

we interrupt this day of cleaning house and making soup to share with you the following....

I just want to go on record and say I am really exhausted of constantly operating in CRISIS MODE. 

I know that cars break down and repairs are to be expected but I really think that we experience more car repairs than anyone else I know. And when they break down, they are not EVER not expensive!

We have been blessed by the long life of Big Yellow, hubby's awesome work truck, which we bought 14 years ago from a u-haul rental company. It has served us well over the years but we have had our share of serious breakdowns!! The transmission going out as we were traveling over Steven's Pass one summer stands out in my memory. The thing is when Big Yellow can't move,  everything else stands still as well. All of Bruce's tools are in the back of the work truck and if he can't take his tools to work, he can't go to work. This is the downside of having your tool storage and your truck being one and the same.

The breakdown is serious and we of course do not have the means with which to repair it. We also do not have the luxury of NOT fixing it or replacing it. Kind of stuck between a rock and hard place. Hubby has work to go to on Monday and this weekend will require some fancy shuffling of things in order to allow him to do that. Right now our best bet is to load as many of his tools into the funky little utility trailer and pull it with the (also needing work but still running) mini-van. And eventually make a decision about going forward with fixing Big Yellow or towing it home and retiring it while we shop for something else.

SIGH.

I was a lump of a bump on the couch most of yesterday as I despaired over our latest misfortune. I was not much of a voice of encouragement to my husband. Just too exhausted from yet another crisis. Even though I knew there were things I really needed to get up go do, I sat. Finally, with hubby's push, I got up and went to town to run errands. One of the things I had to get was ink cartridges for our printer. Those things are not cheap and it's been awhile since we bought any. We've put off printing anything trying to save money but the builder needed to send some hard copies of things to a prospective client so print them we must! I soon discovered in my wanderings around the office supply store, that it was going to actually save me money to just buy a new printer instead of replacement ink for the old one! Imagine that! Yes, they had a fantastic sale going on printers and it comes with ink and future purchases of this ink cartridge cost less than the cartridges the present printer take. AND, since our old printer is just that, OLD and constantly JAMMING and causing my poor husband to lose his FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT, it seemed the best thing to do was buy a new printer.

It's also a scanner. Which is something I have been wanting for a long time so I can scan my old photos and put them on my computer!! And it's a wireless printer which means I can be sitting in my room using my laptop and send something to the printer without having to get up and plug in any cables. WHoot WHoot!!

We stayed up late last night playing/printing with the printer/scanner and organizing the office space. Then  I slept in this morning and took my coffee and bagel back to bed to feast as I got caught up on emails and facebook. And despite the fact that the truck is still sitting in town at the repair shop waiting for a directive, things look better. As a friend reminded me yesterday: HE works ALL THINGS together for my good. 

Really, things could be so much worse. And even though I do feel like we spend a lot of time operating in crisis mode thanks to financial woes, it's all just a blip in the grand scheme of things.

Now, excuse me, I've got soup to make!

So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:6-7 

What Can I Say in 5 Minutes?

I have to leave soon for work and my bottom is dragging along with every other inch of me. Can I write something blog worthy in the few minutes I have and if I do will it make any difference?  That sounds like a pretty negative question and I guess that might be summing up my attitude this day. perhaps this week. wondering if the things I do make a difference. I have been trying for weeks-- actually months-- to lose just a few pounds and have been pretty much denied that. I have counted calories, counted points and documented every thing I put in my mouth. I have exercised, made healthy choices and lost the same 2 lbs countless times over. I am about ready to give up. I think my grumpy negative mood is probably tied in with the changes around here that I am still adjusting to. I am nervous about the future and I am not usually this way. I am pretty trusting and faithful by nature, and I know God has kept us safe and well cared for through many a tough dry time. Why should this be any different? Perhaps in the 4 months hubby was working as an employee, I got 'used to' the regular pay periods and now going back to the ups and downs has me feeling a little ill. I am also questioning the ability to do the job I applied for and I haven't even GOT the job yet!!

This is not like me, honest. I really try to project a positive attitude and only let my doubts surface in private with a special trusted friend. But I also want to be honest and transparent on my blog because if someone who is struggling with life, drops by and reads this, it can sometimes help to know you are not alone. And that even happy positive people have down days. And that's okay. And I am always reminded that no matter what I face I don't face it alone. Even Jesus had difficult days, right? He withdrew to meet with his Father for prayer and supplication. I can do the same.

I have to leave for work but I am noticing a gentle shift in my head and heart. Writing always seems  to bring a release of some sort and with that a balm. Thank you Jesus for the gift that writing is for me. Now, off to work.... bringing some light to others....

what did i get myself into?

I know I must ask myself this question a dozen times a week. Seriously. I tend to be impulsive by nature though lessons learned the hard way have kind of helped curb it a bit. I'm moved by empathy or sympathy-- or stupidity-- and before I know it I have volunteered my time and energy for one more thing.

but, it's all good. If it's for God, it's always good. And more than that, God always redeems the time in His Awesome God-like ways.

A few months ago, my husband and I were approached by this young (young) couple at our church and asked if we'd mentor them. We'd never done this before and we were not really sure what mentoring would look like but after talking/thinking/praying about it we plunged in.... and you know what? It has been SO Awesome! We can't take credit because it's been ALL GOD but wow, it's been rewarding to be allowed this front row seat of what God is doing in their hearts and lives, both individually and as a couple. Powerful stuff!!

But I remember after one of our first get togethers with them, I looked at my husband and thought "what have we gotten ourselves into?"   I can chuckle now because, again, it's been all God, displaying His goodness and grace in such beautiful ways. All I can do is point heaven-ward and sigh with happiness and relief!

some of the commitments I take on do come back to bite me. Take my job for instance. I feel blessed to have found a job, in this economy and I feel blessed that the job is one I didn't need much training for, since it's an area I know well. Still, with in days of my accepting the position I found myself scratching my head, going, "what was I thinking?"  It's a fun job and for the extrovert it is the perfect job. For little closet-introvert me however, it can be a real struggle to keep my head above water and keep the right perspective.

I volunteered to be in charge of the church bulletin board, I spoke up and said I'd be happy to help coordinate small groups in our church and most recently I said yes to a request to help with a new church blog. All exciting stuff, using my gifts and talents and I squeal with delight over the possibilities it presents me....

uh, huh.... squealing with delight, yet squawking with Freak-Out inside.

 I DO laugh at myself. Yes, I do. Because I know that  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. In fact, His power is perfected in my weakness.

What a great reminder. It also helps me to remember to divide things into smaller chunks. A friend of mine is going to participate in a fundraiser this summer where she will BIKE from Seattle to San Diego. PEDAL ALL THE WAY. And while the big focus is San Diego and the finish line, the present focus has to be about miles she will pedal just that day. 

I need these reminders so I don't get overwhelmed.
It's one day at a time...
one moment at a time...
or my favorite....
one sip of coffee at a time...
savor each sip!! 

thankfulness and worry don't really mix

Even as I lift my thanks and praise I can feel the words weighted with worry. Because I can't quite shake the feelings of anxiousness as I think about my husband, his new job, the injury, and how this is really going over in the office. They were wonderfully gracious about assigning him office work for the next few days but we both sense a undercurrent of disquiet over the whole incident. Still, with little control over the whole thing, what can we do but PRAISE GOD AND GIVE IT ALL TO HIM?!

I'm thankful today that my daughter is feeling better. After playing nursemaid to her housefull of sick children for a couple of weeks, mommy succumbed to the illness and ended up in the ER yesterday, dehydrated and asthmatic. It is such a helpless feeling to learn via texting that your baby girl who is 1000's of miles away is this ill and you can't do anything to help her. So even as I give thanks for the medicines and Doctor and other people in her life to help care for her, I fidget anxiously. Again I am reminded I have no control over this and I can ONLY TURN THIS OVER TO GOD.

At Curves, where I am working, we have a machine called the Lateral Lift. You stand in the machine with your feet shoulder width apart. You grab a handle on each side of you, about hip height. You pull up one side, tipping your side at the waist. Then you tip the other direction. It is working the lateral muscles, or love handles, and the trick is to pull up. but so often the ladies forget and they push the handle down. They pull up on one side and they push down  on the other..... which is ineffective. I tell the ladies "Lift up and let go. It's like our prayers--- we lift our prayers up -- and then let them go!"

It's a good reminder. When we turn our worries into prayers and then send them upward, we can trust that the One who hears our prayers is more than capable of taking over from here.

if only my love handles could be dealt with so successfully...


p.s. the curves where i am working is looking for part time help. if you live locally (whatcom county, washington) you might check it out. it's a pretty fun job. :)