Monday, June 24, 2013

In A Whisper

Pounding rain against the roof and windows at 4am. Driven from my bed from a need to pee, I listen in awe to this summer shower turned reckless. Back under the covers I try to find the perfect position in which to return to slumber for a couple more hours. I am challenged by 3 things. A backache that just won't quit, a snoring husband and a neurotic cat who thinks I want to cuddle now. Correction. Who thinks I should cuddle now.

But as I snuggle deeper under my blankets and smell the freshness this rain brings, my thoughts return to the troublesome issue that's been plaguing me for days now. My job. I have been off work for going into my 3rd week and am not scheduled to return till the 1st of July. A stress fracture on my foot that was then complicated with shin splints from wearing a walking boot, followed by my back going out due to what I can only attribute to a lack of activity, has left me confused about whether to sit or stand. Sitting causes my back to spasm, standing puts pressure on my foot. Laying in my bed seems to me a logical conclusion and until my antidepressants catch up with me, it's where I truly want to be. But, my job. What about my job?

I have been there 6 months and during this time the physical work has never gotten easier. I like what I do and I enjoy the work atmosphere for the most part, however, physically it kicks my butt every single day and I am seriously questioning whether or not I can  continue.... As I roll over and push my cat away from my face, I mentally list all the things that hurt.
Rotator Cuffs. Both of them torn, operated on and then torn again and basically, at this point, stable but always ready to make me miserable should I do one small thing to set them off.
Fibromyalgia. It's been over 10 years since I was diagnosed with this chronic disease and I have learned for the most part how to counteract it and live with it. I keep it under control by watching what I eat, getting equal amount of rest and exercise, and trying to avoid the things that can trigger it. Fibromyalgia also presents a wide range of issues from the achy body to brain fog, to insomnia and more. Loads of fun. Loads.
Stress fracture in the foot. Not getting better. Wondering if there is perhaps also some arthritis in the ankle as it aches when it's fixing to rain. Which in Washington is just about all the time.
Back issues that come and go... such as now. My back goes out more than I do.
And lastly, Depression that can range from debilitating to manageable, but always, the threat of a dark cloud is there.

This is my list and no wonder sleep is elusive. I kick the covers off my feet as I feel a hot flash developing. And then, a whisper. Words flash across my brain, my heart and I think... "God... is that You?"
Because, He does speak to me, and usually, almost always,  in my quiet, unguarded moments.
I listen.
He says "Trust. Try. Talk."

"Trust. Trust in Me. I have it under control. Trust me to lead you in everything. And Trust your husband. I have appointed him the spiritual leader of your household and he's following my lead. It's going to be alright."

"Try. Do you best and leave the rest up to Me. That's all I ask. I am strong where you are weak and I know where your weaknesses are better than you do. All you have to do is try."

"Talk. Communication is key. Talk to Me. Talk to Bruce. Talk to your boss."

I drift back to sleep for maybe another 30 minutes or so. When I have my coffee and my bible reading plan ready for my morning devotions, I discover the title of my read is 'God Speaks to His Friends". Interesting. Not a coincidence, this morning's topic for me.

God speaks. In a whisper. Are you listening?

1 comment:

  1. I do try to listen for the whisper--and sometimes I hear it. At other times, He has to bonk me on the head. Praying for the decisions before you.


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