W.R.O.N.G.E.D.

As mentioned in a previous post, I received a wonderful email from a very treasured friend the other day. This was on a heels of a delightful visit with her in which she listened intently with her heart as she always does. I ended up sharing with her about the recent 'sucker punch' I'd experienced. Her love and affirmations were such a balm and I knew God had given her the perfect words to say to me that day. Then she reminded me of a period of hurt she had gone through and what God had given her to help her work through it. She promised to send me a copy of the words she had written down based on that and in addition has given me permission to share that here. She calls it W.R.O.N.G.E.D. which is an acronym for 7 steps of forgiveness that have helped her immensely. I am reading and re-reading through it and letting the words soak in deep as I pray through the steps. I share it, with her encouragement, hoping it also helps another on the road to recovery. 

W.R.O.N.G.E.D.

~Steps to Forgiveness~

W- Willingness to forgive. This is definitely the first step to the forgiveness process. I have to be willing to forgive knowing that Jesus forgave me so much, and who am I to hold onto it. The fact that Jesus says that if we do not forgive men their sins against us, our Father won’t forgive us, but if we do then He will - that is a strong motivator for my willingness to forgive. It is a good place to start.

R- Recognize that they didn't intentionally mean to do damage to me. That they are wounded people who have not the capacity to see the hurt they have caused. They are so caught up in their own pain that they projected it onto me. Recognize that Hurting People Hurt People. I have to get to the point where I can see them through Jesus eyes and say from my heart like He did to His murderers, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they are doing". I am trying very hard not to take it personally. It is not necessarily about me.

O- Offer up all the pain. I have to take this heart breaking pain and take it to the cross and put it into a giant trunk that sits there. I have to keep coming back over and over to dump my pain in. All the pain of feeling that I have failed as a person. The grief that I am suffering that says I wasted my time, love, energy and life on this one who has so damaged me. When the trunk is full I will put a huge lock on it and bury it there at the foot of the cross. My trunk is getting close to being full.

N- Navigate the emotions. I see myself in this forest of my emotions that I am lost in and Jesus comes along and says, "Walk with me through these emotions, I will tell you where you need to turn and I will take you out of the forest and all the emotions of sadness, confusion, anger, bitterness, disappointment, discouragement, and despair will not trap you anymore. Jesus shows me the way to get out of the forest of emotions.

G- Give grace generously. I have to remember that "she who has been forgiven much, loves much". I want to be the kind of person that can give out of the overflow that has been given to me. Grace is that unmerited favor that none of us deserves, yet we have been given so freely. Give it away.

E. Expect deliverance. I cannot allow the enemy to rob me of any more of this precious life that God has given to me by tormenting me with this lie. I expect that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. I expect that his tactics to take me out of the game are his feeble attempt to de-rail what God wants to do through me in this life, I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS ANY LONGER, AND TODAY I EXPECT DELIVERANCE, IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!

D. Delight in the JOY OF THE LORD!!!  Restore to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me. He is my joy and my delight, and in His Presence I find everything I need. When I am not delighting, that means that I have slipped out of the Presence and allowed the enemy to slip in. REMAIN DELIGHTING!!!

my deepest appreciation to my lovely friend C.T. who shared this with me.  

It's blessing me... and I hope it, as I do all my blog posts, blesses those who read it.

the sucker punch

We're not all going to always get along. We're human. We're all wired differently and at times those wires cross and we might get a little 'shock' from the other. It's part of life and I think for the most part we probably all take it in stride, forgive and forget and move on. But what happens when someone you trusted, admired and respected pulls the rug out from under you? What about when that someone is a brother or sister in Christ?

I was reading the passage from Acts where Paul and Barnabas disagree sharply over bringing John Mark with them on journey. (Acts 15: 36-40) It says their disagreement was so sharp they separated. none of the commentaries I've looked at go into great detail over the argument and of course the woman in me wants to know all! What the commentators do say is that it was not a matter of theology or doctrinal issues that brought them to separation. And they did not allow the issue to derail them from their respective efforts to keep sharing the gospel.

It is my sincere hope that the issue that has come up between me and another will not impede anyone in their spiritual journey.

Still, the issue occurred, the hurt was inflicted and the relationship is broken. The waves of pain over the injury wax and wane like our weather. I wake up some mornings and feel angry. Justified anger. Then the anger simmers and confusion and frustration come to a boil. I feel like crying. I feel like yelling. I make jokes to lighten the mood and think of a myriad of biting comebacks that "I wish I'd said." Then I work on forgiving and forgiving again.....

It isn't the first time a 'friend' has let me down. It wont be the last. But this one really caught me off guard. A real sucker punch. I honestly did not see this coming even though some clues were there. I expected better treatment I guess, a little more respect, a little more grace. Perhaps they had none to give and so the Lord is asking me to give it.  We're working on that one, me and Jesus.

I think it is important to allow ourselves time to heal. Forgiveness is expected as a follower of Christ ( ... make allowances for each other's faults, and forgive the person who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others... Colossians 3.13) but forgiveness does not make the hurt automatically go away. Think about a time you smacked your leg on the open cupboard door or stubbed your toe... or someone stepped on you toe? and it hurts!! Even if the person who stepped on your foot apologizes and you forgive them, the ache in your foot doesn't immediately stop hurting. It takes time.

And during the healing time, we process. I know I do. I replay the conversation and try to understand where they were coming from. Searching out for what I might have done to prevent the whole incident from occurring. Considering how THEY might have done things differently... and there were SO many ways it could have been handled differently, better, and in ways that had left me more intact!

Maybe that is what hurts the most. The way they went about it... shredding me verbally, with such venom that it still causes me to take a deep breath in at the shock of it.

Deep breath.... cleansing breath... praying.... for peace... calming.... healing.... forgiveness....

it's a process.

I'm getting there. The funk has cleared somewhat. I don't feel like I'm sinking into the dark cloud of depression like I did last week. My husband and I talk a lot, sharing how we're feeling today. We have a good prayer support and safe places we can share in more detail as needed.

Spending time in Colossians 3 is a cure all of sorts for me. I recommend it to others when they are struggling and I am applying it liberally in my life right now.

I found this in a book by the wise and wonderful Max Lucado:

Perhaps the wound is old. A parent abused you. A teacher slighted you. And you are angry.

Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited . .

And you are hurt.

Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge

And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?" . . .

Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growling grudge.

Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left. [Max Lucado LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN p. 71]

I don't want bitterness to grow. Been there, done that. So, we're working on this.... me and Jesus, we're working on this....