Don't Tip My Cracker!

I told someone today that I have reached a point where it would not take much for the cheese to completely slip off my cracker.

Go ahead, chuckle. I am. It helps to maintain a sense of humor in the midst of it all.

life is good but then this happens...

Life is good. Really it is. I like my job at the bookstore. I like building my jewelry business. But I've been struggling. The lack of interest in writing, lack of enthusiasm for other things I usually enjoy, a strong reluctance to becoming too socially engaged or committed,  has been going on for just a little too long now to pretend it's gonna blow over on its own. I have an appointment on Wed with my Dr for my annual review and I think it's time to ask about a boost to my anti-depressant.

Back in 2005, when I still owned the fitness center and life was stressing me out every which way, back when I was first diagnosed with depression, there was a trial and error period till we found the right anti-depressant. After a couple of months when I started feeling like things had sort of smoothed out I told the Dr, "I think it's working but I still feel like something is off." She added another anti-depressant, a very low dose, but it was enough to bump me up to where it felt like I needed to be.

(I have said often that during that phase of leveling the mental and emotional state, I felt like life was just beige. When she added the extra pill I think I moved from beige into a very very subtle tinge of pink.)

Fast forward to 2009. I had sold my business and was concentrating on really getting healthy. After about a year I felt like I really needed to try life without pills. I reasoned that the things in my life that had brought me down were no longer there so didn't it make sense to at least try going pill free?I owed it to myself to try! And... I did "OK" for a couple of years but if you've followed this blog you know where eventually I ended up. (no, not the loony bin! but... there was a cracker with no cheese on it....)

I have made peace with the fact that I need a pill each day to help me. I see it as a reminder that I do nothing in my own strength. If depression is my 'thorn in the flesh' that's ok because God's Grace is sufficient for me.

What Am I Doing?

Life's been pretty busy between building my new jewelry business, working part time at the bookstore, watching my grandsons one day a week, and keeping the home fires burning. Not to mention, the writing group I co-facilitate and the book project we are working on there. Then my former self-employed hubby has picked up a side job as project manager for a new restaurant set to open sometime this summer and that has me running errands again. Yes, life is a little busy. I don't have time for depression or anxiety or fibromyalgia to interfere with things. But it does. 

With my husband leaving the house an hour earlier most mornings, I find myself stumbling around, coffee cup in hand, feeling sleep deprived and out of sorts. When I give in to the lure of the still warm rumpled blankets on the bed and crawl under them I find the delicious cocoon my mind and body craves. I doze and awaken to sunshine sneaking through the cracks of the curtain, or the sounds of raindrops splattering against the windows. Sleep cycle disrupted again I struggle the rest of the day to find my rhythm. It's frustrating. Walking daily seems like a distant memory, something someone did a long time ago but I can't remember who or why. I force myself to push past fibro-pain, cloudy thinking and loss of passion for most things. People annoy me and the thought of engaging in conversation is so overwhelming I can't even ....

I lay on my bed a lot and flick aimlessly through apps on my phone.I ask myself if I need to talk to the doctor about changing my anti-depressant or do something different.  It's worrisome. 

But on the mornings when things seem to fall into place and I do find my rhythm it's glorious! I stay awake, I throw a load of laundry in the wash and scrub down the counters and swoosh a mop across the floors. I go for a walk and I snap pictures left and right of everything I see. I breathe deep and I listen for cues that nudge me here or there. I work my business and study to make it better. I go to work with a smile and energy. I have my list of things to do and I knock it out of the park. I think "life is amazing and so am I". And at the end of the day I wonder what made it different from the day before? 

Depression is a thief. It steals my joy, my energy, my creativity. Anxiety is a rope that ties me to a chair and holds me prisoner in my room. Physical pain is crippling and only feeds my depression more. In those darkest moments I seek out the Psalms and feel David's anguish as he pours out his soul. 

These things I remember as I pour out my soul... Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. 

My Cup Runneth Over

So much goodness the last few days...

Yesterday my sister and I were interviewed for a radio podcast, "The Karolyn Merriman Show". The daily show features licensed therapist, Karolyn Merriman and each broadcast covers a variety of different topics. From childhood abuse, to difficult relationships, from freedom from fear and anxiety to enriching your prayer life and many other life struggles and challenges, Karolyn offers biblical insights into dealing with and moving from hurt to healing through the power of God's grace.

in the recording studio with Karolyn, after a successful interview!

How did we come to land on Karolyn's show? Karolyn was my therapist many years ago and we've stayed in touch off and on. We recently reconnected on Facebook where she learned I was involved with a writing group. She was intrigued. As we chatted about what our writing group does she became more and more interested in the whole concept of a writing group designed for Christian women writers. She asked if we'd come on the show and talk about how we started the group, why, what we do in our group, how it benefits us etc. I was kind of taken back by her request originally as I couldn't fathom how our group fit in with the themes of her talk show. She assured me that because she often encourages her clients to engage in writing as therapeutic, sharing about our group would be appealing to many of her listeners. She also felt that what we've  done in establishing this group was worthy of mention as it may inspire other women (or men) in churches or communities to start their own writing groups. So.... Anita and I bravely committed to the podcast. It was so much fun!!

 ( You can listen to the podcast here)

Later that day I met up with a sweet gal who is going to host a jewelry party for me this month. I first met L. as a member of my Curves fitness center and we've stayed in touch on Facebook ever since. She is very excited to host a get together for me, not just because she loves the jewelry but she also shared she was happy to have a way for us to connect in a more tangible way than just online!

 I've had my emotional ups and downs when I look back on my time as a fitness center owner. I enjoyed the initial start up and being my own boss. I loved, loved, loved seeing Curves empower and strengthen women in all aspects of their lives. I loved feeling healthy and loved meeting so many wonderful gals and starting friendships that have continued long after the club closed. But the stress of running a business and keeping it financially strong was too much for me. The last couple of years running the club, I was depressed, angry, frustrated, stressed and exhausted most of the time. Not a very good presentation for promoting health! I've often wondered if my presence in the club was a positive one. If I made a difference in even just one persons life. I've questioned that over and over.

Until yesterday.

As we chatted L. expressed just how much she enjoyed her time at Curves and emphatically stated that it was my presence there that made the difference to her. She saw something in me that clicked with her. In addition to being friends on facebook since the club closed, she's been a faithful follower here on the blog (Hi L! Surprise!!) and shared that my posts often speak to her just what she needed to hear on that particular day. Wow.

Every writer desperately wants to be 'heard' and my deepest desire as a writer is not to attain fame and fortune (although I wouldn't turn it down, ha ha) but to know that my writing, Holy Spirit inspired, reached even  just one person and impacted them in some positive way. Yesterdays visit with L was a confirmation that yes, it has. And for that I am so very very blessed. Thank you sweet friend.

And to put the cherry on top of the day I came home with a burning desire to BLOG! And to WRITE! I whipped open my laptop and began pounding the keys. Even if it was drivel I have managed to shake loose the chains that were binding my hands and mind from creatively flowing. Hallllllllelujaaaaaaah!

Blessed Assurance

I discovered a hidden treasure the other day. While going through boxes of my parent's belongings, I came across a precious piece of paper. In my father's handwriting is a testimony worksheet he had filled out in which he shares how he received Christ and how his life was different because of this. Oh! What a find! And while I have made copies for my siblings, I'm claiming the original for myself. This is why:

Among the things my dad shares in this testimony are several scripture references to verses he was memorizing or found especially comforting to him because of the promises offered. As i jotted these down and began to look them up, something amazing came to light. With the exception of only a few, every single one was something already highlighted in my bible as special to me! With the first two discoveries I just smiled and thought how nice. But as more of them matched my own a little shiver ran up my spine.

 This was not a coincidence. Sure these verses are favorites of many. Verses like "He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities... and by his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53.5 KJV) or this one from Romans 8.1: "So now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (KJV) But a few of them were less commonly quoted or familiar. Yet at one time or another, in my bible readings, these same verses my dad loved, were underlined or highlighted as special to me for one reason or another.

As to the verses that were not a match to my underlined ones this one in particular jumped out at me: "I assure you, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me, have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins but they already have passed from death into life." (John 5.24 NLT)

Why did this verse grab my attention?

Well, even though I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old, I have experienced many times in my life where my salvation felt troubled. Fear and doubt would creep in, making myself question my salvation. I remember as a young girl coming home to find an empty kitchen. A pot was simmering on the stove and while my mother's presence was palpable she was nowhere to be found. My mother was always there when we came home from school. Always. But not this day. Fear struck my heart and I gulped. Terror gripped me as I searched the house calling out her name. I was sure the Rapture had occurred and I'd been left behind! You can imagine my immense comfort when my mother wandered in, fresh from a visit to the neighbors for an impromptu tea visit. And while I nearly collapsed in relief, I was unable to share with her the anxiety and fear I'd just experienced. How could I explain it when I was "supposed to be" a Christian?

I am a little embarrassed to admit that this doubt would continue to haunt me on more than a few occasions. A quiet room when someone had been in it just moments before. A sick feeling coming over me when hearing of terrible things going on in our nation (9-11) and thinking "this is it, the end is near" and being afraid that no matter how many times I'd prayed again to be saved, because I wanted to make sure, I'd still somehow fallen short of being one of those counted righteous in His Sight.

It wasn't a pretty feeling.

Thankfully, in part because of a praying husband, I was able to work through this over time and reach a point where I could say I was sure that I was not going to be left behind. I could rest in God's promise when He said he's adopted me into His family and I will spend eternity in Heaven with Him.

Why I experienced such doubt over my salvation, I can't explain. Perhaps my childhood traumas and later the betrayals by one who professed to love me, played into my psyche and fed that vein of low self esteem: I'm not worthy, I don't deserve salvation. I'm still not good enough for God. Well, here's the deal-- all of that is true! I'm NOT worthy. But because of God's amazing grace and endless love, He accepts me anyway. Funny how I seem to always need reminders of this... but then, we all have an Achilles heel that the enemy loves to poke at. We all have a propensity to something and apparently this was mine. How thankful I was when I realized that particular monkey was off my back.

So, then, coming across this verse the other day was a strong but gentle reminder that I can continue to rest in the promise Jesus gave. The fact that this reminder from my Heavenly Father, came via my other father is a significant factor for me. No matter how many times I struggle in my daily walk with the Lord, no matter the desert-dry days in my spiritual walk, I am still a Child of God. No matter how long I sit in front of a blank page cursing the blinking curser of my computer screen because of writer's block, no matter how apathetic I feel, no matter the brain fog or feelings of lethargy, it does not change Who I Am in Christ.

I am God's girl.
I am forgiven.
I am saved.
I will inherit His riches.
I will be in His Kingdom.
Indeed I already am.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine
Heir of Salvation, Purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His Blood.

This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long *

*Fanny Crosby

More Than A Feeling

In my daily devotional reading the other morning I was reminded that we are so much more than our feelings.

I don't know about you, but these are the kind of reminders I need on a fairly regular basis.

 Feelings play such an important role in everything we do. I am a person guided primarily by my heart. Common sense is a precious commodity and being a realist in a world of optimists and pessimists has its advantages. While I do possess common sense, it's still my heart that takes charge 99% of the time.

Being led by the heart isn't always a bad thing.... but I have learned how it does need to be balanced with good judgement.

I let my heart lead when I decided to give that tall blond quiet guy a chance 20 some years ago.

 Thankfully, it was one of the best decisions my heart ever made.

Where being led by the heart has it's downfalls, comes when my heart is filled with fear, anxiety, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, pride, selfishness and so on. Fear is probably the biggest one for me. Because I have found that when I feel fearful, that's when anxiety, anger, and the rest of those emotions come crowding in to stake their claim.

When I allow those negative, unhealthy feelings to rule, what follows are the equally negative feelings of guilt, shame and self-contempt. And if I let those feelings settle in, and they start to define me, well, friends, that's a path that can only lead to a dark dark place.

That is where this reminder that I am so much more than my feelings gives me hope.

When I remember that I am a child of God, a
powerful, wise, beloved, child of God, 
I  then also remember that I can do whatever I need to do in life because through Christ, He has told me I can!


When my heart is filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control, I can let my heart lead 100%.

What feelings are you letting define you?

Focus, Focus, Focus!

Managing my emotions has always been an area of challenge for me. I mean, come on! God made me a passionate woman with strong feelings about certain things. It's not just my streaks of red hair talking when I get worked up about something. It's coming from a place deep inside me and honey, if you can't handle it, get outta the way.

I remember the days of PMS and the hormonal rage I swung through on a regular basis. I remember too the erratic mood swings in the weeks that followed my hysterectomy in my 30's. After years of being stifled  and monitored in my previous relationship, it was with a certain streak of pride that I let loose all those pent up emotions and just laid 'em out there for the whole world to see and hear. I chuckle about this now but I also shudder because I know the way I acted those days were really nothing to be proud of.

Then, there are the days where the depression puts me in a place I often refer to as 'beige'. Days of feeling nothing. Not weepy sadness, not explosive anger, and certainly not joy. I think sometimes those days of feeling nothing are much worse than the days of highs and lows.

What I take away from all of this is that while God created me with a fiery personality, with emotions that can and do take me from one end of the spectrum to the other, He also created me with a brain.    Hello.  
I can manage my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to manage me.

Let me say that again. I can manage my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to manage me. 

I have the ability to CHOOSE my reactions to life. I have the ability to CHOOSE how I face today. If I decide that today is gonna suck, guess what? Ain't no amount of new shoes or chocolate gonna make me smile. The shoes'll be the wrong color and the chocolate won't be dark enough. If, however, I decide that today is going to be a day of rejoicing, I can rest assured that this day is gonna bless me and I will be able to bless others because of it.

It all comes down to making up my mind that this day is going to be joyful. I have no control over whether I get a flat tire, or my purse strap breaks while I'm shopping causing it to slide across the floor with me in hot pursuit, but I do have control over how I react to that. I can remain calm and call Triple A for the flat tire. I can laugh as I chase down a tube of lipstick that has rolled away like a bowling ball. That feels so much better than sitting on the side of the road crying or worse, kicking the tire and cursing. I. Have. A. Choice.

My bible study reading today reminded me that if I am willing to focus and make my decisions not based on feelings alone, I can count on God to be faithful to give me the strength I need to face whatever comes at me.

"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12.10

It might take some extra focus on days I feel especially vulnerable but it is still a choice I can make. And I will choose JOY.

One Year Later

Give or take a few days. I thought it was time for a check in/update/post script. A follow up to the Big D from last June. I know it is a cliche to say that it is hard to believe it's been a year since ______ (fill in the blank). But isn't that the way it always goes? Time just zips by, sometimes leaving a whiplash effect.

I look back over the past 12 months and feel grateful. Grateful for a full life and all the people in it. Grateful for church and family and my husband. Grateful for the area I live in, the experiences I have had and yep, even-- perhaps especially-- grateful for depression and the lessons it continues to teach me.

I'm sitting in my living room from where I have a great view of my back yard. I can see my deck with it's freshly painted patio furniture scattered around. The primary colors of the chairs and table cheer me to the very core.

I can see the planter boxes and pots filled with an array of flowers, all dancing happily in the breeze. Beyond the deck I see the wickets set up for a croquet game and the memory of this past weekend and some fun competition between friends makes me smile.

We've been blessed with a couple of weeks of delightful weather: sunshine almost every day with lots of gentle breezes to keep it from becoming too hot. It's been perfect weather for ice tea, gardening, reading books in patio chairs, sunscreen and sunglasses, shorts and flip-flops. But then, yesterday we woke up to heavy gray clouds that soon broke open with rain. Rain that cancelled some exciting plans for the day even as it nourished the plants and the lawn. It forced me to come up with a new plan for the day, or at the very least, a forgiving and accepting attitude about how this day was going to be played. This is exactly how it goes with depression.

My anti-depressants work well. I have many days of 'sunshine' and feeling full of energy and strength to tackle whatever may come. But there are still occasional days of feeling dragged low by emotional/mental dark clouds. What can I do but learn to roll with it. I have learned to read the signs, respect them and adjust my life accordingly, just as we do with our fickle pacific northwest weather. Even the heaviest days of rain hold a certain amount of beauty if we just look for it. 

Perhaps that is one of the things about depression I am most grateful for. It has taught me to search harder for the happy that sometimes feels beyond reach. It has taught me that there is an inner strength that I did not know I had until I fought for it. It has taught me that it's okay to fall down and that when I fall it's also okay to just lay there for awhile and rest. But it has also emphatically taught me that eventually I must get up and press on. Depression has forced me to open up and let others in. It has made me dependent on God much more than anything else I have ever faced. It has taught me about being vulnerable and where to put my trust. Depression has also given me a deeper empathy to others who are in pain.

What depression has NOT done is robbed me of my joy. "Happiness is fleeting" and we often say happiness is a choice and we can choose to be happy. But joy is something that runs deeper. For me, the best way to summarize the difference between happiness and joy is that happiness tends to be an outward expression of elation where joy stems from a place of inward peace and contentment. Happiness is temporary based on outward circumstances. Joy is lasting, based on inward circumstances.  I can be happy because the sun is shining, but I have joy even when it rains because I know the Maker Of All Things Good.

Depression has taught me that Joy is possible even in the midst of my lowest moments. But I am grateful that the lowest moments are fewer and far between. The past year has been rough but it's also been good.

Psalm 30

1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
    You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
    You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
    Praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

6 When I was prosperous, I said,
    “Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
    Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
    I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
    if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
    Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
    Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
    You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

the color of happy

I belong to a monthly photo challenge group on Facebook. 

Every day of the month there is a different prompt

for what to post a picture of.

The group is made up of both professionals and amateurs, 

those with expensive cameras full of do-dads and what-nots, 

and those who snap furiously away with iPhones and Androids. 

The point is, we are taking pictures, 

which means we are LOOKING. 

Looking for opportunities, looking for details, 

paying attention to the great big wonderful world around us 

and trying to capture it in 1/1000 of a second.

Maybe the world we live in 
is much different from the world of 
Dick and Jane and Spot 
in the sense that there seems to be 
much more brokenness,sadness and waste, 
but the importance of the "biggest word of all: LOOK" 
hasn't changed. 
Having my camera and list of photo prompts 
spurs me on to LOOK, 
and it's beauty I seek. 

The prompt for this particular day was Yellow; 
an appropriate choice for the month in which Spring arrives.
As I set out on my morning walk, 
I was purposely looking for yellow. 
Not just for the prompt but as a sort of challenge to myself.
How much yellow could I find in the world around me?
The results were surprising. Spying each flash of yellow
caused a little spurt of happiness inside of me.
It was fun to recognize 
how certain colors are associated 
with certain moods and emotions. 

For me, yellow is Happiness.

What colors represent happiness to you? 

that time my buzzer broke

I have a perfectly decent range in my kitchen. It boils water, bakes a casserole and broils meat. It's a nice neutral color and it's fairly easy to clean. We bought it second hand a few years ago and it serves us well.

Except for the timer. It has never worked. I learned the hard way the first time I tried using the timer and went away to do some other chores, counting on the buzzer to sound and bring me back for the brownies. When the scorched smell of blackies (no way we could call them brownies) brought me rushing back to the kitchen, that was when I learned that the timer on the oven did not work. I threw out the brownies/blackies , set the poor pan to soak and added "buy kitchen timer" to my grocery list.

The other afternoon I was heating up a casserole and when it was done, I removed it and set it down on top of the range, a little heavily. Apparently this bump triggered something inside the timer mechanism because the timer suddenly went off.

BZZZZZZ!!!

A very annoying BZZZZZZ!!!

I messed with the timer, trying to turn it off but with no success. I twisted and pulled, pushed and even banged on the oven top again, hoping it would cause the loud rasping noise to cease! Nothing worked. IN fact the timer knob-dohickey came off in my hand and the BZZZZ continued BZZZZING. Finally, in desperation, and to save my sanity, I went to the breaker box and flipped the breaker for the range.

Silence.

Aaaah.

That was fine and dandy except at some point I was going to need to turn the oven back on! Bruce got home too late that evening to want to mess with it. The next morning I used the microwave and toaster to make breakfast, and put all the ingrediants in a crock pot for a supper stew. That evening after he'd been fueled by a tasty soup, he tackled the range.

Several screws, and knob removals later, he found his way into the housing of  the buzzer mechanism and discovered where it was wacky. The Why was something else. There seemed to be no real logical explanation for why the little metal piece worked its way up against the vibrating piece that causes the buzz to emit. But it was fixable... A couple of twists of the metal away from the vibration mechanism and the problem was solved. The buzzer would never bother us again! It  would never work again either, but at least peace was restored to our household. All was well.

I suppose sometimes I'm like that little buzzer. I am by nature pretty easy going. I maintain a calm presence for the most part. But I am a passionate person. I feel things intensely. And once in awhile, something sets me off internally. Something jiggles loose and sets me a'vibrating. I reach my aggravated point and BZZZZZZZ!!!! I get myself all wound up and let it fly. (usually its my husband who bears the brunt of this.) The worst part of this is that I don't really have a valid reason for getting all buzzy. Being irritated or angry with just cause is one thing but I'm talking about reactions like the wacky buzzer on my range.

not my most flattering picture and my husband risked his life taking this given my mood at the time,
but it serves as a good reminder on the non-attractiveness of being cranky. 

As I ruminated on how like my oven timer I sometimes can be, I was struck by the notion that if I don't find a way to defuse my anger--to turn my buzzer of-- Somebody might just flip my breaker switch and shut me down.  Ecclesiastes 7.9 says: Don't be quick to fly off the handle. Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head. (from the Message) Well, I certainly don't want lumps on my head! And I don't relish the idea of having my breaker switch flipped off any more than I like the idea of acting in a less than mature and loving way. I don't want my irrational side to have control. I would much rather be controlled by the Holy Spirit.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Galatians 5.22-25

You'd think I'd have this by now. 

How about you? How do you handle life's irritations?

The Facebook Fast

The questions stared up at me from the printed page on my lap. I squirmed in discomfort as I pondered what was being asked. Squirming inside, because the questions struck a nerve. And I knew immediately what the answer was.

Hello, My name is Robyn and I'm a facebook-aholic. It's been 3 days, 2 hours and 18 minutes since my last facebook check in...

Sunday Morning. Sitting in church. Program insert with sermon notes on my lap. Pen poised, I scan the page. At the end of the notes are the questions; Life Application Questions to be exact. The first one leaps up at me, and it doesn't just threaten to bite me, it BITES ME.
1. Identify three areas of your life that take up your time; what are they and what practical changes can you make this week to focus more of your energy on the One Who Is Worthy? 

I started using Facebook back in 2007 and at first it was just an occasional visit. Checking in to see what my friends were up to, maybe post a little status update of my own. It was harmless and fun and a great way to stay connected without overcommitting myself. Everyone was doing it.

Without any hesitation I could easily identify three things that occupied a great deal of my time each day and it wasn't Jesus. Yes, I read from my bible most every day and have some cool stuff, like the bible app on my phone and email devotionals. Just recently my husband and I have started doing our morning bible reading together and then praying together before he leaves for work. I listen almost exclusively to praise music in the car and when I'm at home. I try to say a prayer each time I hear a siren screaming down the highway and I try to offer an encouraging word when I read a distressing post on facebook.... I always feels like Jesus is right there with me.I believe He's walking with me every day.... So really, if Jesus is the air I breathe, like the song says, aren't I always proclaiming He is Worthy?

I've tried justifying my time on Facebook, saying I'm using it as a tool for witnessing and being an encourager. I list prayer requests and I honor prayer requests. I see a need and I step in to help where I can. An occasional game of Scrabble or Words With Friends is harmless too right? It's not like I am doing that hard stuff like Farmville or Crushing Candy. Shoot, I don't even POKE, for crying out loud! ...... OK, OK, so I Bitstrip!! But I made at least one of those cartoons into a Warrior for God witnessing tool!!

Let's be fair. Facebook isn't really evil. It does serve a purpose and it's a good one. It keeps us connected and informed and even entertained.  It allows me to stay connected with my kids and grandkids who live on the other side of the county. None of those things are bad or wrong -- no, on the contrary, they are fabulous and fun and good! But, like all things, it's to be done in MODERATION.  And that is where I was falling down.

Jesus replied: "I am the bread of life, whoever comes to be will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6.35.  I know that Jesus alone can satisfy the hunger inside of us. But I was using other things to fill me up. Instagram, Twitter, Email, even Blogging was a good portion of my day. But, Facebook was the biggest one.

When I got my smartphone and could install all these cool apps I thought it was pretty sweet. Like I said, I had a bible app-- actually TWO bible apps, and being able to take and post a picture right from my phone was really quite awesome! But, it wasn't long before I was checking my phone every minute that I wasn't doing something else. Then it was checking my phone INSTEAD OF doing something else. It wasn't long before I realized I was addicted.

Something inside of me was empty and I was using social media to try and fill it.

From my Sunday sermon notes: Life is full of counterfeit imitations that promise to fulfill. Our only hope is a fierce hunger for the only ONE who can give us what we need. 

Our pastor reminded us of the people of Moses' time, and the 40 years they wandered in the desert. God gave them a miracle every single day.  He gave them manna to sustain them. But He didn't dole out a week's worth every Sabbath. He supplied it fresh, each day. Just enough for that day.

God is still in the manna supply business. Daily. Just enough for today, because that's all we need. Coming to church on Sunday for a fill up is great but it's not enough. God wants daily connection with us. With me. And I need it so much more than I am sometimes willing to admit.

Another probing question on my sermon notes was this: 'AM I ENOUGH FOR YOU ________?" (The 'fill in the blank' presumably for me to insert my name, as in Jesus asking me "Am I enough for you, Robyn?")
I really want to be able to say that yes, He is.

I realize that Facebook may not be an issue for other people but it was/has certainly gotten in the way of other things for me. As I drove home from church I knew that some changes were in order. I  often have said "God's Book before Facebook" but I sometimes broke that rule, and I knew setting a time limit wasn't going to work for me. I needed something serious. Something severe. Something drastic. I needed to take a Facebook Fast. No Facebook for a set period of time so I could re-prioritize my time. I decided to LOG OFF my Facebook account that very day.

This hasn't proved easy for me. My fingers itched to hit the facebook icon on my phone, so I deleted the icon for now. The burning desire to check in and see what's happening shows me that this break is much needed. But during the first two days I twittered more than I have in months and when I instagram, I hesitate-- do I share this on Facebook or not? Would that be considered cheating? But, I realized that in taking this break, I get to make the rules and it's not about how long I stay away from Facebook or even, really, about staying away in the first place. It's about recognizing Priorities. It's about the condition of my heart. It's about how I go about meeting my needs. Like eating or shopping or gambling or drinking to numb the pain or fill a void, when really, it wont.  Where do I go FIRST when I feel lost .... or lonely... or hurting... or sad... or confused... or bored??? I want with all my heart to be able to honestly say, I go to The One Who Is Worthy. The One who gives Daily Bread so I will never be hungry again.

Hello, my name is Robyn and I am in recovery. 

Facing Your Fears

Last night was Date Night for my sweetie and me. Because the key word in date night is frugal, we were thrilled to find a FREE activity happening at our local library.  A young woman from the Bellingham area was sharing through words and slides, her record breaking experience of hiking the entire Pacific Crest Trail last summer. She set a new record for how quickly this hike has ever been done but that wasn't the reason hearing her talk piqued our interest. I had recently completed the true-life story "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed, another epic adventure of a hiker on the PCT and as I have stated in previous posts, hiking the PCT isn't on my bucket list, but there is a fascination for me with hearing about others who have accomplished this daunting and thrilling task. So going to hear Heather Anderson share about her experience was something both Bruce and I were instantly drawn to.

Heather said one of the goals of her trek over this hike was to face down two fears. Because she was going for a record breaking time she knew she'd have to hike into the dark hours each day and so that was fear #1, hiking at night, and fear # 2; mountain lions/cougars. She encountered not just one, not just two, but SEVERAL mountain lions during her two month hike and she did cover a lot of ground after the sun went down. She conquered both of her fears. She said the night hiking has a beauty all of it's own and as for the lions, she barked and yelled and acted bigger than them and it worked. I can only imagine how accomplished she feels. I know the measure of joy I feel when I face down a challenge and rise above it.

The PCT, if you are not familiar, is the famous trail that stretches from the Mexican border to the Canadian border. Over 2600 miles that forges over mountain ranges, sloughs through dessert, and thrills all the senses as it does so. At least, that's what I gather from reading others accounts. I wouldn't know personally; I've never hiked any of the PCT although my husband has done a couple of short sections in Washington State. As I said, I have no burning desire to hike the PCT, at least not the whole thing! I have no burning desire to even do an overnight hike, preferring my treks into the wilderness to be contained to at the most an all day adventure, free from bugs and extreme temperatures. But I am interested in facing my fears.

It's interesting to note that my ladies small group recently started the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge and some topic of discussion has been about fear. Not so much about fears such as being afraid of the dark, or fear of spiders, etc, but more along the lines of. what is that deeply rooted fear that drives me in my sin patterns.

Yes. Sounds like a lot of fun to go digging after doesn't it?

Probably a fear most women have in common is that of not being loved. Accepted.  Not feeling wanted or needed. Of not being found with beauty. The question/comment in the study guide that made me the most uncomfortable this week was: Underneath our sin is a deep fear. What are you most afraid of? 

As I mulled this over all week I finally came up with this realization; I  fear not being accepted. I find that when I am treated with an air of dismissal, when someone doesn't  fully acknowledge me, or my offering is treated with disrespect, I shut down. My wall of defense goes up, I retreat and I withhold myself. It's out of protection to be sure; my battered heart will only take so much. But I realize that in that pattern of protection lies the fear of "this might happen. this is going to happen."  and it sets me up to raise the wall of defense before it is ever needed. As a result, I withhold some of myself before it's ever proven that there is a need. I short change others in our exchanges because I don't trust. I wont risk.

To be sure, these modes of protection can be a good thing. A necessary thing. But it's also very tiring. And what about when the people I don't trust or the situations that I don't want to risk, are the very people and things that God has brought my way for the very purpose of facing those fears and being set free?

Hmm. Food for thought. Something that I am pretty sure will be delved into in depth over the course of the next several weeks. Stay tuned....

Nothing Tastes As Good As...

skinny feels. 

Making those New Year's Resolutions is easy. It's the sticking to it that provides the challenge.


I, like so many others I know, kind of gave up the making of resolutions each January in favor of choosing a word to live by for the year. The word I chose for 2014 is Relationships. It feels good to have one thing to focus on. One thing to be intentional about. One purpose to pursue. In the past, words like, Love, Health, Forgiveness, and Grace, have made my list. But this year it's relationships; this word choice came to me at the recent family reunion we celebrated.

Not two weeks into the new year and I see my word bearing fruit. An estranged relationship that has long brought me considerable heartache, and kept me in prayer, has had a wee break through. It requires much patience and restraint on my part as we baby step through a minefield of old wounds. But each step, be it tiny or not, is a move toward what I pray will one day bring understanding, forgiveness, and eventually, healing.

Not two weeks into the new year and I see my word bearing fruit. Our small group-- LIFE group-- restarted this past week. We've added some new faces to the circle and decided on a new course of action for study and growth. We'll be reading the book of John and reviewing sermon notes (which directly correlates to the the gospel of John) for the next several weeks. Our first night however was spent just getting to know each other a little more. We took turns pulling questions out of a can, and sharing our answers. Each question was intended to spark conversation and learn something about one another. It was fun and informative. We learned that if given a time machine to travel anywhere into the past, I would choose to step into the pages of my favorite novel, Gone With The Wind, right about the time Scarlett O' Hara meets Rhett Butler for the very first time. (My sweet husband informed me that the place I'd chosen to travel was fictional -- like that made it a wrong answer, but I pointed out that time travel machines are fictional too, so there! --- yes, we are modeling good mature behavior to our life group members)

Not two weeks into the new year and I see my word bearing fruit. My ladies group also resumed this week. It's smaller than it was before but also has added a new face. We are going to be using the book Captivating, by John and Staci Eldridge. Just the other day I delved into the study guide that goes with the book and came to a screeching halt before I'd gotten half way down the page. We're going to be dealing with some emotional stuff in the next several weeks. Gulp. I thought that baggage got shipped to Siberia or Timbuktoo many many years ago but judging from the niggle in my gut, it would seem there are some areas that need a little tune up....

Not two weeks into the new year and I see some changes happening. My attitude about some relationships in my life that seem out of balance, some relationships that annoy me to no end, some relationships that I may just have to let go of, some relationships that are proving unhealthy... all cause for prayer. Choices to make, follow through needed, accountability, and always, always, more grace needed.

Not two weeks into the new year and physically speaking I pause for a celebration. I have successfully maintained my weight loss through what is known as the toughest time of the year for dieters. I maintained my exercise schedule despite some really nasty weather. To reward myself for all my excellent behavior, I bought new walking shoes and some waterproof jogging pants. I was also rewarded when I went clothes shopping by finding myself trying on a pair of jeans another size down from what I have been wearing. (I am sure the sales gals thought something was wrong in the dressing room when I whooped out loud, but I don't care! My relationship with stretch denim is special.)

I started this post off by saying nothing tastes as good as skinny feels but truthfully, for me it's nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. And, by golly, it feels good. 

Whirlwinds and Roller Coasters

It seems I have been too busy to blog! It's a beautiful summer and much to nice to stay inside most days. But  a quick update is needed and then I will blog deeper at some point.

Highlights from the past week include:
THE ARRIVAL
My sister and her hubs arrived over a week ago and it's been awesome to see them settling in to their cute little apartment and reacquaint themselves with the area. Sister and I are having lots of fun times together including Mom day, day trips and just hanging out. Love, love, love this!

reacting to the 'pantry blessing' we gave as a welcome home gift: a well stocked pantry!

fun with mother dear.

THE JOB
My last day was Saturday and I can say in all honesty, this was one of the few jobs I have walked away from where my heart was sad over it. I truly liked this job and wish my body was 20 years younger and could handle the load. It was an emotional weekend , made more so by...

SAYING GOODBYE
Made the trip to see my (former) mother-in-law and say goodbye. We were there on Saturday afternoon and I believe that she knew I was there....even though she was unresponsive and no longer able to speak (she suffered some strokes in the past week as the cancer continued its war on her body) I sat and held her hand and spoke my heart and then kissed her good bye. She was so very, very close to heaven and it came as no surprise to learn that Sunday evening she flew home to the arms of Jesus.

"Mom" Marta Fuller. Beautiful inside and out. You will be greatly deeply missed....

I am still processing all of the emotions that come from the good and the bad. I am thankful for the support of my sweet man who drove me down to see "mom" and then took me for a long drive up into the mountains to just chill and soak in some awe inspiring views. I will be back soon with more to share....

traveling into God's country.... balm for the soul.

the Good, the Bad, the Beautiful

Finding beauty in the day. My favorite view of Mt Baker and Twin Sisters, from Hwy 9

I have a very dear friend who always, and I mean, ALWAYS, finds beauty in her day. She inspires me to no end, with this attitude, especially since she is a cancer SURVIVOR. So, despite the good bad and ugly that you might expect to come with depression and physical pain, I am, PRAISE THE LORD, seeing beauty, not ugliness.

The Good:

• I do feel better. Stable. More evened out. Not so overwhelmed by little things like making phone calls or leaving the house. 

halfway to goal!

• I have even lost some weight! I set a goal awhile back and I have reached my halfway point. Celebrating being able to get back into some 'skinnier' jeans that have been tucked in the drawer for sometime....

• My sister and her hubby have decided to move 'back home' after being in S. Ca for 30 some years. They will be here next week and I cannot tell you how excited I am over this! I realized the other day that my sister and I have never lived in the same area as adults, where I had the FREEDOM to visit her whenever we wanted. The times she and her husband resided in our county, I was prohibited by the controller I was married to at the time, from having her over or going to her house, unless he approved it. Which wasn't very often. So I am delighted that this option is now before me. Sister-time will be happening on a regular basis!! whoo hoo!

ready for the 4th of July

• Progress-- and I mean GREAT progress has been made with my mom. While she still won't admit she likes her new digs, she has settled in and is opening up more to the other residents and joining in some activities. Other great news is I found a new doctor for her who makes HOUSE CALLS. HELLO!!!  Yes, it's a nurse practitioner and one of the places on their approved list for visiting patients in the facility is right where my mother is living. While I will still be in attendance for those Dr. visits, it is a huge burden lifted to have this service. 

The Bad

• pretty sure my foot still has the stress fracture. but it does feel better... 
• going back to work this week on the regular schedule was a toughie. Today made day 4 and I have tomorrow off and then work Saturday. Yah, even though the boss and I talked and had this cool understanding about me working 3-4 days a week he could not make it happen after all. He is out of the office a lot so I am just getting Fridays off for right now... could be worse.
• torn and undecided now about whether to continue with this job or not. Listing the pros and cons don't add up to much when I am in pain. 
• Work has been pretty much at a standstill for the hubby. Frustrating. We get a lot of phone calls and leads on jobs but they don't pan out or something else comes up. We are holding on, faith is important, trust is important, especially in times like these... like Mother Teresa is credited with saying " God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

The Beautiful

• This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.

• I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.

• My grace is sufficient for you,( Says the Lord) My power works best in your weakness.

• I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.

• We have had sunshine for a week straight and it's been glorious. Not too hot, just perfect summer days, one right after the other.

• I am in love with my husband and he loves me. Super uber goodness right there. 

when your husband writes this in chalk and then nonchalantly walks you passed it on your way home, that's love. 

There is a great big wonderful world waiting outside. I am going out there and gonna REVEL in it!!