When Introverts Have Meetings

It should be no secret by now that I'm an introvert.

And... just in case you are confused, let me assure you --for the record-- that I am not shy, reserved, or anxious. I'm actually quite the opposite; gregarious, outgoing, fun and adventurous.

In it's simplest terms think of a battery discharging energy. An introvert is one whose battery is drained by being around people and stimulation, while an extrovert's battery draws energy from those things.

My sister and I (both introverts) often chuckle over things that are suggested in our culture that have to have come from an extrovert. At church for example. When the pastor says turn and greet 3 people you've never met before, or, let's all join hands to pray. Those are exciting fun ways to connect... for the extrovert. For an innie like me, not so much.

At social functions where I don't know very many people, I tend to navigate to a quiet corner and seek out one person (that I already know) to converse with. Having to make small talk with strangers can choke me into paralysis if I'm already tired. Add loud noises and several things going on at once, and you might see that 'deer in the headlights' look on my face. That is if I haven't already snuck out the back door.

Let me clarify, that this is NOT a social dysfunction -it's not an anxiety attack or shyness or fear. It's that my brain has to process things, analyze things and if there's a lot of stuff going on around me it takes energy to filter it. It takes energy to mix and mingle. It takes a lot of energy to engage with others, especially if we don't already have a relationship established. And as the event goes on, more energy goes out and with no time to re-charge, eventually the battery goes dead.

Over the Christmas holidays we ended up having back to back parties to attend. Both were being held in the homes of people we know and love. However, at both houses, the rooms were filled with LOTS of people who also know and love them. But to me, those other guests were all virtually strangers. My husband was excited to meet and greet, mingle and laugh. His battery was getting charged up by all this interaction.

For me... well, it was a completely different story...

There was a lot of noise, it felt crowded and chaotic. I looked around for that quiet corner to hole up in, hoping I could sip a glass of wine and observe. As the evening went on, I could feel my battery draining fast and soon I was operating on reserve and that was dissipating as well. The thought of sitting down next to someone I didn't know was so overwhelmingly beyond me the very thought of it made me my skin crawl.

Thankfully, my sweetie recognized the signal I was sending and we were able to make our polite good byes and escape.

I remember the days before my husband truly understood my introverted nature. We'd enter a large gathering place-- a concert for example,  and because we'd not had a previous discussion about  it, he sort of expected me to choose where to sit and he would follow me. I'd stand at the back, almost frozen because the largeness of the room, the amplified noise and the unknown of all of it rendered me literally unable to make a decision. I didn't know where to sit because my brain was too busy trying to process all the stimulation around me and filter it into appropriate categories. Now that he better understands me he knows when we arrive some place new that I really do  NEED him to just take the lead. Don't ask me where I want to sit, just find us a place and lead me there!

I can play hard and love every minute of it when in a group of people I already know and am comfortable with, but eventually I'm fidgeting to be done. Ready to go home, put on my PJ's and curl up and veg. I relish and cherish my alone time, but that doesn't mean I don't  love people! I do need to be socially interactive. I just want it to have meaning.

So, it strikes me as funny that I now head up a women's writers group, which I'm willing to lay bets, is largely comprised of introverts. ( I don't have percentages to back this up but I think a large majority of writers are probably introverts)

Why this is funny to me is that when we started the group, most of us did not know each other. And what's more dreadful than going to a meet up with of a bunch of strangers? (Answer: going to a meet up with of a bunch of strangers and engaging in small talk! EEk!) It's been helpful to hide behind the hand outs of guidelines and reading our written words, rather than make surface talk around the table. Over time we've built a rapport, and gotten to know each other better and found connections of the heart and soul.

We have several gals who joined the writers group but haven't made it to any of our monthly meetings... and I wonder if the idea that they will have to face a room full of strangers and make small talk is just more than they want to pursue. I want to assure these ladies that I understand completely and I don't really blame them for choosing another activity (like staying home!!) over our meetings! I  also want to assure them that because I do understand, I can promise there will be no hand holding, no greeting 3 people you've never met before and really, no surface-y small talk.

Being an introvert is a wonderful thing. It's not something that needs to be fixed, as extroverts sometimes think. But it is helpful to recognize the differences between an introvert and an extrovert and then work to honor those differences. After all, this is the way God made us!

Insulated or Isolated?

I heard about this at a recent women's retreat. The difference of insulating yourself with good people and good things rather than isolating yourself from others and the world around you. Being one who cherishes her time alone and rather enjoys her own company, perhaps a little too much, this concept struck a nerve.

Only a couple of weeks before I had been thinking about and praying for a girlfriend who was going through a divorce. She'd moved to a new neighborhood, quit attending church and because of the divorce, no longer connected with the small group she and her husband had been attending. In short, she was pretty isolated as far as a real sense of family and community goes. As I prayed for her, I sensed the Holy Spirit nudging me with the question: What about yourself?

I had to stop for a moment and examine this. What about me? Was I, in my careful agenda of honoring my introverted nature, doing so to the exclusion of connecting with other women in ways that would benefit me spiritually? Sure, I co-lead a small group with my husband. Yes, I talk to my sister all the time. And, I am in contact with my gal-pals via Facebook on a regular basis. But was it enough? Was it deep enough, real enough, sincere enough? Was it challenging me, comforting me, feeding me?

I had to admit that because I am often seen in a leadership type role, I might be more inclined to hold back a piece of myself. I may encourage us all to be real, transparent and open and to model it but I know there are some people with whom you don't share it all. That's just common sense. But what I came away with in this little soul searching exercise was that I did need to be intentional about spending time with a few other spiritually mature women in order to keep growing and keep going.

This week, as I have previously mentioned, my husband and I are visiting his brother. C's wife passed away in April after a battle with cancer. This was the first time for us to have an intentional visit and it's been wonderful to have some quality time and of significant quantity. C's life is certainly in a transitional time. He works out of town for a few weeks at a time, then he is off for a few. Being home is when he notices her absence the most and it's been a big adjustment. He's contemplating selling the place and moving but he isn't rushing into any decisions. He is being intentional himself about taking time to grieve, time to think, and making time to keep in contact with family and friends.

His place, as I might also have mentioned, is situated a good several miles from town and his home along with only a smattering of others is perched on the edge of a decommissioned airport. The neighbors all respect each other's privacy but they also watch out for one another. They notice when things are not quite right. This past week one of the neighbors called C to ask about a new guy to their neighborhood. This new resident had only recently bought the property and was in the process of moving in so it wasn't too unusual that no one had seen him for awhile. But then enough time has passed that folks began to question where he was? Have you seen him? It's been a while, do you suppose everything is OK? It was eventually whittled down to the fact it had been several weeks since anyone in the neighborhood had seen him.

Yesterday afternoon a sheriff's car was noted in the yard of the unseen neighbor. And then the sad reality came out. He was found inside his home, deceased. While details are still pending what is known is that eventually a cousin wondered why they hadn't heard from him and eventually contacted the police to ask for a well check when they couldn't reach him on his phone. While the cause of death has yet to been announced, it was generally surmised that he'd been ill.

While the death of someone I don't even know is still sad, what is sadder still is that this man lived what looks to be a life of quiet isolation. C. says he only saw the guy a couple of times and while he was friendly enough it seemed the man was content in his solitude. The fact that his death went undetected and unnoticed for some time (we learned that the coroner estimated he'd been dead a week or more)  also speaks to his life of isolation. And while perhaps this is the life he purposely chose for himself, it is still so very sad.

It makes me ask why? Did he choose to be a hermit? Was he depressed? Did he not have close family, other than this cousin who eventually wondered what was going on? Did he have a job? Was he retired? No kids? No close friends who would say 'Hey where's Henry?"  What makes a person choose to live a life of solitude?

And, while I am again, content in my own company, it makes me still hope that my life has people in in who would definitely notice if they didn't hear from me for awhile! (and I know that I do) But how sad for those who have no one close, no one who would notice or wonder or worry. They say no man is an island. We all need someone, we all need each other. God designed us to be in community!

As a strong believer in the community of a loving small group, I really grieve for this man though I do not know his name or anything really about him. It makes me want to make sure that everyone has at least ONE person in their life who will notice if something isn't right. And it challenges me to BE that person to the one who has no one else.

I'm Not A Missionary

Before we ever went on our first mission trip out of country, my husband was deeply involved with Habitat for Humanity. (In fact it was due to this connection with Habitat that the first mission trip to Costa Rica in 2001 took place.)  Bruce jumped into work parties with H4H with his whole heart and pretty soon the joke about me being a 'Habitat Widow" on weekends was standard fare.

I do not have the physical strength nor stamina to pound nails, lift walls into place or install windows, and truthfully, I don't wish for it. I'm not saying I don't care, because I do, but I'm just wired differently. I will-- and DO-- however, get up on mornings Bruce has an outreach project going, to make sure he's well fed before he leaves and has nourishment to take with him so he will have the fuel he needs to get the job done. I can't do the projects but I can support him in this.

While I score high on the scale for compassion and mercy, I am much, much lower in rank than Bruce. His #1 gift is Compassion. He is also gifted with speaking words of affirmation and truth. He loves to find out what makes a person tick and will listen attentively to your story and ask questions to draw more of your personality out in order to know and understand you better. This is probably one of the first things I came to know about him and undoubtedly, one of the reasons I fell in love with him. Because of his compassion and listening ear, he tends to attract what we lovingly refer to as EGR's. (Extra Grace Required) And while his grace is not limitless, he is able to extend it much more of it than I can.

So where does that leave me? While I do score high in the compassion/mercy category, my #1 gift is Helper or Serving. #2 is Discernment which is probably why my mercy gift sometimes falls short of grace. I can't seem to muster much patience or grace when my BS Meter is shrieking. But together Bruce and I make a good team: I keep him from giving away the farm and he keeps me from kicking people off of it!

The out of country mission adventures we've gone on have been another example of how we are well-suited for each other. In addition to swinging his hammer, he has good administrative skills and organizes work parties beautifully.  I am good at documenting what the team does, and because a picture is worth a thousand words, this is a priceless contribution. (and I have to admit, it's taken me time to come to a place where I could see that as an asset to the team)


Here on the home front, we have come to see our placement in our church on the mountain as our current mission field. We both have leadership abilities, we are mature in our faith journey and we're pretty much  willing to be Fools for Christ on a regular basis. Again, Bruce has thrown himself in whole heartedly with community outreach projects, leadership in bible studies and just being a strong shoulder for other men to lean on in times of trials. While I'm a little more cautious about my level of involvement, I have none-the-less been his back up person, support person and cheerleader for all he volunteers to do. I am learning to be more obedient to God's nudging about opening our home for entertaining, knowing that God will also give introverted me the energy and grace I need for a evening of extroverted involvement. I am learning, thanks to Bruce's lead,  about being more open to allowing our home to not just be MY safe place of refuge, but a place of safe refuge for others also. Our role as small group leaders has been a place for us to really put this into practice.

The other night as we sat out on our back deck, watching the coals burn down in our fire pit, we were talking about our team effort as husband and wife, to minister to our church family. When our conversation drifted into talk of our LIFE (small) group, I remarked that it was Bruce who really made sure our group was grounded. He is clearly using his gifts to connect with our group members. I recognize it goes far beyond our LIFE group though; many of the guys at church are drawn to him and he spends many hours offering prayer and encouragement to them as needed. I went on to point out that that is not my forte. I can handle a small circle of friends-- and I do mean SMALL circle, but even that wears me thin quickly. I love my people but I have to do it in small increments. STILL, I so understand the VALUE in people being connected, which is why I am the Life Group coordinator for our church campus. I can't be the one who reaches out to all the EGR's, I'm not likely to be the one who offers timely wisdom and sage advice. But I can and will help you connect with someone who can!

Like I said, I'm not a missionary.
Or... am I?

whatever

You know when you have a headache and you pop a couple Tylenol and in a little bit the headache has abated? I guess that's what I was hoping for when I started back on the antidepressants. Even though I know it takes time for it to build up in my system before it begins leveling me out. It's only been 2 weeks and the first week was at half dose as my body adjusted to the medicine. Still, I am anxious to get back to an even keel, one where I don't feel so fragile, so testy, so... choleric.

I also need to remind myself that I saw the signs along the way and ignored them, determined to do this thing by myself, which has turned out to be about as delightful as ignoring the 'bridge is out' sign and plundering over the cliff into the raging river below! Instead, I doggedly blundered my way into a deep dark hole and then sat in that hole for some time before I even was willing to admit it was a hole I was in. (Longer still to admit I was in a hole to my husband and then call and make the appointment to see my doctor. Oh, what a silly girl I am.)

I have said before that I am a glass half full kind of person. I identify with the Sanguine personality type for the most part,  but when I read the description of the Melancholy, I say "Oh, that's me too!" On other personality tests I find myself closely aligned with the Otter; I'm a let's have fun while we get it done, kind of person. Yet I am deeply introverted, meaning my battery discharges as I put myself out there and I need, desperately, the quiet, downtime to recharge. (As I get older, I find it takes longer to recharge the batteries)

Anyway, the last few weeks has found me grumpy, irritable, tired and sending out negative vibes that everyone-- most especially my poor husband-- can feel. It doesn't feel very good. I quickly become irrationally angry over small things I should be able to laugh off. It's painful and agonizing as I rant and rave, knowing this is unnecessary bad behavior. A friend asked me (when I disclosed my depression) if I was feeling sad and weepy, to which I laughed and said  "No, I just feel like ripping peoples faces off!"  (She leaned far away from me at that point)  But it's true. I don't feel depressed as in crying all the time, thinking my life is worthless and contemplating suicide. I just feel spent. I feel angry. I feel tired, disinterested in things that usually bring me pleasure, wanting to avoid social interaction. My brain feels crowded, like it will explode if I expose it to one more thing, no matter how small, and interestingly enough, it seems like the smaller the thing the more likely it is to irritate me. Like it's trying to take up what little space I have left and I am trying to save all my energy for things that really matter. I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to figure out where the $23.92 difference between my check register and what the bank says,is, when I could be doing something more important, like, oh, I don't know, playing spider solitaire.

Gah.

This too shall pass. I know I will be out of the hole in time. In fact I do know that the hole feels less deep than it did a couple weeks ago. Clawing my way out of it in a panic is probably more likely to just bring more dirt down on my head so it's better for me to wait patiently for someone to lower me a rope or better still a ladder....

In spite of all this, as I sit in my hole, I  think of the saying about how sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window? And how sometimes he makes us wait in the hallway for awhile? And how while we're waiting in the hallway, we can still praise him? I have no problem with that. While I sit in my hole it does give me plenty of time to think. To dream. (I dream about having a place like this to call my hole....)

Whatever you might be going through, remember this... 

God ultimately has a plan for your life. And He will bring you through it. 

Trust Him. 

Words to live by. I do. 

charging your batteries

Awhile back the battery to my laptop stopped holding a charge. As long as it was hooked up to the power adapter, all was fine but if it came unplugged within seconds the screen went black and all things computer-y came to a screeching halt. The big problem with this was that the power adapter had gotten rather loose in it's connection so it was very easy for the plug to come unplugged-- and it seemed to do it with annoying regularity. I recently replaced the power adapter with a nice snug fitting connection and all is well... as long as it says plugged in to the power source.

I'm very much like my laptop in some ways. I am an introvert. I recharge in private. I have an internal battery that holds a charge for a limited amount of time. And when it's spent, it's spent. Bruce kids me about the look on my face that tells him in no uncertain terms that I've 'hit the wall" and it's time to take me home, put me to bed, turn off the lights and tiptoe away-- far, far away.

I've learned in recent years how to occasionally check my power source-- make sure my external power cord is plugged in you might say. Still once in awhile I forget, get distracted or so caught up in other things that I forget to check my connection... and then, BAM! Auto-shutdown commences.

Making sure I have ME/Solo time is important. Quiet time. Time for creativity. Getting enough sleep. Proper diet. Exercise. Time for laughing. But perhaps none so important as plugging in to the Ultimate Power Source. Yes. Spending time in Worship, communing with God, whether through praise music, creation, fellowship with other believers, or reading my bible, listening for His Presence-- that is the Ultimate Power. When I neglect those important aspects, it doesn't take long before my screen goes black, my body shuts down and things get, well.....  ugly. We don't wanna go there.

I appreciate that I have learned to listen to my body. That God wired me this way and for a reason. I think sometimes we introverts get the short end of the stick, and it often comes from the extroverts we love, who think there is something wrong with us because we don't get charged up by being around others like they do. Yet, the world needs us introverts. Some of the best creativity out there was produced by the introverts!

What about you? Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Do you get your re-charge by being around others or does that drain you and you need alone time to charge your battery?

If you are an extrovert, is there an introvert in your life who could benefit from your being a little more understanding of the way God created them to be? (that they don't need fixing? they just need to be accepted.)

If you are an introvert, what do you do to recharge your batteries? Whatever it is, I pray you have some time this week to indulge and be healthy.