I have said before that I am a glass half full kind of person. I identify with the Sanguine personality type for the most part, but when I read the description of the Melancholy, I say "Oh, that's me too!" On other personality tests I find myself closely aligned with the Otter; I'm a let's have fun while we get it done, kind of person. Yet I am deeply introverted, meaning my battery discharges as I put myself out there and I need, desperately, the quiet, downtime to recharge. (As I get older, I find it takes longer to recharge the batteries)
Anyway, the last few weeks has found me grumpy, irritable, tired and sending out negative vibes that everyone-- most especially my poor husband-- can feel. It doesn't feel very good. I quickly become irrationally angry over small things I should be able to laugh off. It's painful and agonizing as I rant and rave, knowing this is unnecessary bad behavior. A friend asked me (when I disclosed my depression) if I was feeling sad and weepy, to which I laughed and said "No, I just feel like ripping peoples faces off!" (She leaned far away from me at that point) But it's true. I don't feel depressed as in crying all the time, thinking my life is worthless and contemplating suicide. I just feel spent. I feel angry. I feel tired, disinterested in things that usually bring me pleasure, wanting to avoid social interaction. My brain feels crowded, like it will explode if I expose it to one more thing, no matter how small, and interestingly enough, it seems like the smaller the thing the more likely it is to irritate me. Like it's trying to take up what little space I have left and I am trying to save all my energy for things that really matter. I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to figure out where the $23.92 difference between my check register and what the bank says,is, when I could be doing something more important, like, oh, I don't know, playing spider solitaire.
This too shall pass. I know I will be out of the hole in time. In fact I do know that the hole feels less deep than it did a couple weeks ago. Clawing my way out of it in a panic is probably more likely to just bring more dirt down on my head so it's better for me to wait patiently for someone to lower me a rope or better still a ladder....
In spite of all this, as I sit in my hole, I think of the saying about how sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window? And how sometimes he makes us wait in the hallway for awhile? And how while we're waiting in the hallway, we can still praise him? I have no problem with that. While I sit in my hole it does give me plenty of time to think. To dream. (I dream about having a place like this to call my hole....)
Whatever you might be going through, remember this...
God ultimately has a plan for your life. And He will bring you through it.
Words to live by. I do.