Tuesday, July 2, 2013


You know when you have a headache and you pop a couple Tylenol and in a little bit the headache has abated? I guess that's what I was hoping for when I started back on the antidepressants. Even though I know it takes time for it to build up in my system before it begins leveling me out. It's only been 2 weeks and the first week was at half dose as my body adjusted to the medicine. Still, I am anxious to get back to an even keel, one where I don't feel so fragile, so testy, so... choleric.

I also need to remind myself that I saw the signs along the way and ignored them, determined to do this thing by myself, which has turned out to be about as delightful as ignoring the 'bridge is out' sign and plundering over the cliff into the raging river below! Instead, I doggedly blundered my way into a deep dark hole and then sat in that hole for some time before I even was willing to admit it was a hole I was in. (Longer still to admit I was in a hole to my husband and then call and make the appointment to see my doctor. Oh, what a silly girl I am.)

I have said before that I am a glass half full kind of person. I identify with the Sanguine personality type for the most part,  but when I read the description of the Melancholy, I say "Oh, that's me too!" On other personality tests I find myself closely aligned with the Otter; I'm a let's have fun while we get it done, kind of person. Yet I am deeply introverted, meaning my battery discharges as I put myself out there and I need, desperately, the quiet, downtime to recharge. (As I get older, I find it takes longer to recharge the batteries)

Anyway, the last few weeks has found me grumpy, irritable, tired and sending out negative vibes that everyone-- most especially my poor husband-- can feel. It doesn't feel very good. I quickly become irrationally angry over small things I should be able to laugh off. It's painful and agonizing as I rant and rave, knowing this is unnecessary bad behavior. A friend asked me (when I disclosed my depression) if I was feeling sad and weepy, to which I laughed and said  "No, I just feel like ripping peoples faces off!"  (She leaned far away from me at that point)  But it's true. I don't feel depressed as in crying all the time, thinking my life is worthless and contemplating suicide. I just feel spent. I feel angry. I feel tired, disinterested in things that usually bring me pleasure, wanting to avoid social interaction. My brain feels crowded, like it will explode if I expose it to one more thing, no matter how small, and interestingly enough, it seems like the smaller the thing the more likely it is to irritate me. Like it's trying to take up what little space I have left and I am trying to save all my energy for things that really matter. I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to figure out where the $23.92 difference between my check register and what the bank says,is, when I could be doing something more important, like, oh, I don't know, playing spider solitaire.


This too shall pass. I know I will be out of the hole in time. In fact I do know that the hole feels less deep than it did a couple weeks ago. Clawing my way out of it in a panic is probably more likely to just bring more dirt down on my head so it's better for me to wait patiently for someone to lower me a rope or better still a ladder....

In spite of all this, as I sit in my hole, I  think of the saying about how sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window? And how sometimes he makes us wait in the hallway for awhile? And how while we're waiting in the hallway, we can still praise him? I have no problem with that. While I sit in my hole it does give me plenty of time to think. To dream. (I dream about having a place like this to call my hole....)

Whatever you might be going through, remember this... 
God ultimately has a plan for your life. And He will bring you through it. 
Trust Him. 

Words to live by. I do. 


  1. Ah, yes my dear friend...I actually do understand this! I understand and also sympathize with the 'angry' and 'helpless' feelings. I pray that you will soon be back looking at everything with those shiny eyes of JOY and HOPE! I have another friend who when she is in these situations calls it sitting in a mud puddle...I have been sitting in this puddle for a while. Maybe it is time for us to make some mud pies! ;) I love ya sweetie.

  2. Oh Robyn, this is a wonderful and honest post. Thank you for sharing!

  3. Robyn ~ I have been there and totally understand your myriad of emotions. I think until you have been there, people can sympathize, but it is hard for them to comprehend. I remember feeling every one of those symptoms you describe. I at one point couldn't even leave my house. Going into my yard gave me panic attacks and crying spells. I think part of that frustrated, annoyed feeling for me was that I knew I wasn't rational yet was unable to do anything about those feelings. I was frustrated that everyone else could go on with their life. Thankfully people I loved and loved me brought me to my doctor, where I was put on anti=depressants too. I had days where I prayed to God to get me through just 5 minutes at a time! He was faithful and I am turned 180 degrees from where I was. I am so grateful and thankful. I know you will get there! I will pray for you Robyn! Just get through 5 minutes at a time if you have to. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

  4. Robyn, I am right there with you, every feeling you described is exactly what I have been going through and the times I have reached out for help, I have been exposed to the gossips of the community and all the sudden I'm no longer shiny enough to even sing for god at church. What's left in times of trouble but to cry out to god in praise and worship. It's the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm not crazy! Just in a mud puddle! Hang in there and if you need someone to talk to I know first hand and take confidentiality seriously! Love you Robyn you can come play in my mud puddle anytime.


thank you so much for taking time to read and comment! have a great day!