It's Saturday, It's Raining and I Have Questions.

what can I say about a rainy Saturday? Glad to be inside by the fire with book and blanket. Got the walk out out of the way earlier when it looked like it might actually be a decent day, so that's done. Been averaging 3-4 mile walks 5-6 days a week but had a couple set backs this week. Feeling puny; my body likes to betray me every now and again.

There are days, such as today, when I ask myself who am I racing? I keep trying to increase my pace, applauding myself when my walk app gives me my time and it's better than the day before.  But these child-bearing hips, these creaky-cranky ankles and the feet with slipping arches, are only gonna plod so fast. I see some slight increase in my speed and ability to hold that pace for longer portions of time but again, I have to ask myself, where's this competitive spirit coming from? My sweetie asked me that same question. Why do I feel the need to walk faster than I do right now? I could only shrug and say "I just want to keep improving."

I am at my goal weight and have successfully maintained it for 7 months, and that includes some major holidays! Yet, I think about dropping "just 5 more pounds". I can walk a mile in under 14 minutes on a good day yet I keep thinking "Can I do it in 12?" I love walking and I know how much it has benefited me yet when I walk, in my heart I'm running. I still dream about running a 5K if you want to know the truth.

I was cleaning my closet, moving winter clothes to the back and bringing forward the spring and summer wardrobe, discarding things that are worn out, or the wrong size. Making a mental list of what I need to replace and what would look snazzy with that cardigan and I stop and look, really look, at the pile of clothes I own and have to ask "isn't that enough? Do I really need another.... shirt/pants/sweater?

Where does it end? How much does it take to be satisfied? 

I am part of the human race known as Consumer. If I am being completely transparent, I will tell you I have a selfish streak a mile wide. I wrestle with letting go of my best stuff, in favor of giving just what I don't want or need. The materialistic side of me wins more often than I like to admit.

I comfort this truth with the other truth, that I am a giving, compassionate person, motivated by the Holy Spirit to do what is right and loving and good. I know I have good-- no, GREAT,  qualities. And most of the time, I like to think that the good qualities outshine the bad.

So, here I am wrestling with two different areas: the dissatisfied me and the selfish me.

In his letter to the Philippians, the Apostle Paul wrote: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. (Philippians 4.12) 

Earlier in the letter he tells them, Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.(Phil. 2)

I don't think it's wrong of me to want to work on improving myself health wise. I don't think it's wrong to want to dress or look nice. What does bother me however, is the attitude behind those things. Am I doing it for my health and well-being or is there some other motivating factor at work? When I want just a little bit more than what I already have, when I want to hang on to my possessions is that an indication that my heart needs some adjustments?

Good questions to ponder on this rainy Saturday afternoon.

Questions & Answers

Why are you depressed? What are you depressed about?

I get asked these question in it's various forms from time to time by well meaning people and honestly, it irritates me.

Asking any depressed person the WHY or WHAT question is like asking a person with cancer why they have cancer. Or a cold or the flu. There may be things in life--genetics, circumstances, stress--that may help to contribute to these diseases, but really, it's not something we have a whole lot of control over.

That's right. Depression is not a 'mood' I can control. Yes, there are moments in a persons life, when life isn't going quite right and they say they feel depressed-- have the blues. But the kind of depression that puts a person in the painful, fragile place, such as where I am currently, is not just a 'shake it off and put on a happy face, fake it till you make it' type situation. It's not something that will blow over in a little while, on its own. We're talking chemical changes in the brain. Misfiring if you will, and creating all kinds of havoc that can range from low energy to loss of interest in things that normally bring pleasure, from feeling irritable to sad and weepy,  from insomnia to sleeping all the time. It can bring physical pain, like backaches. Oodles and oodles of fun stuff like that.

I was first diagnosed with clinical depression in 1997 but honestly, I think I developed severe depression as a teenager, perhaps even younger than that....

Deep breath here. I'm going to share something I have never shared before on my blog.

When I was 9 years old, I was molested. That traumatic experience shaped me dramatically and has had a profound effect on my entire life. From out of  that sexual abuse, came a young girl who lacked greatly in self esteem, had a warped view of herself and this combined with some other dysfunctional circumstances, came  a rebellious teenager with an invisible "L" on her forehead. (L for loser) It's little wonder that at 16 I ran away from home to be with my boyfriend, leaving home for good at 17 to marry him and then spent the next 15 years of my life being mistreated, manipulated, abused and controlled in every way possible. Looking back I can see how the abuse as a child really set me up for the abuse as an adult. I had no real concept of boundaries and was in no position of power to stop the abuse.

I'd say that was plenty to get depressed about, wouldn't you?

But I was never diagnosed with depression back then. After I finally escaped that first marriage, and was in counseling, I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and it was a long road of healing for me. Long road. (but a ton of really great stuff happened as a result which makes me very happy)

So. Back to 1997 and that first official diagnosis. I was prescribed some anti depressants for short term use. I eventually began to feel better and life went on. Along the way I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, which is story we'll save for a another day.

In 2005, I hit the bottom again. Big time. Back to the doctor I went and this time she said a new word. Dysthymia. It's a chronic type of depression in which a person's moods are regularly low, however the symptoms are not as severe as a person with major depression.(There is some research that suggests both the serotonin and the dopamine levels are affected in Dysthymia but that is probably more clinical information than most of us want to know) My doctor figured I developed this as a teen and have been ebbing and flowing with it ever since. Huh, go figure. Expose a person to repeated stresses, and I mean, some major ones. and the chemicals (serotonin and dopamine) in the brain change. They don't change back. So thank God, and I mean, really, Thank GOD, modern science has figured out a way to treat this through the use of medicine. Hey, I may not like having to take a pill every day but my mom doesn't like to shoot up with insulin either. We do it because it is what is needed to restore us to better health. I make it a practise to say a prayer of thanksgiving every morning as I swallow my "happy pill".

Another question I get asked is "Are you feeling better?"

I appreciate the care and concern with which this is asked because I know people mean well but its a hard question to answer, probably because it's difficult to put 'feeling better' into something quantitative. Is the medicine working? Yes. Is it curing me? No. It's leveling me out so I can function but it's not going to take the disorder away. Until I get to Heaven and get my new body, I'm gonna be rolling with this.

About 3 months after I started my antidepressants (back in 2005) I went in for a checkup. The doctor asked me how I was doing. I remember making a movement with my hand to indicate a flat line. No ups. No downs. Just a flat level line. And to that I verbally added "Everything feels... beige." My doctor tilted her head slightly as she processed my answer and smiled. Apparently she thought this was progress.

The medication has a tendency to kind of muffle things. I don't know how else to describe it. I do feel that I am leveling out, no more roller coaster action, but there is a barrier there... like I am rolled in bubble wrap.

Flatlined? Beige? Muffled? Bubble wrapped?

In some ways, I am relieved to know that, in time, this becomes the new normal.

Can Anything Else go Wrong?

missing the deadline at the Vet's office to take the cat to boarding.
getting a second chance to deliver cat to vet's office if we can be there in 10 minutes.
running out of gas in the car on the way home from dropping off the cat.
husband to the rescue, as he takes truck and trailer to scales to check the weight.
serious fishtail action happening while driving the highway at 45 mph.
while getting gas in gas can for the car, and refueling the truck, a leak is spotted. big yellow is leaking fuel.

I am going to laugh, I've decided because otherwise I am going to sit down and weep with frustration. if we didn't have a customer waiting (who has already paid his 60% deposit) we could scrap this whole thing. But we can't. We have to fulfill our commitment and get this job done.

Bruce is calling around getting rental costs for a heavy duty truck made for towing this trailer. Of course in addition to the added expense is the precious commodity of time. We need the carpenters tools which abide inside the back of Big Yellow. And did I mention that part of the load is also in the back of the truck? Yah, so in addition to unloading and reloading the shed kit, we need to pack his tools over. It's a lot of work yet to do today, and that's AFTER we find a truck to rent.

I know these are just details that  may seem boring to my readers but this is our livelihood and it's sucking us dry at this moment. I don't even want to think about how in the hole we are in this particular job but it's deep. We have had our times of troubles but this job has brought us to new heights-- or is it lows?

I don't really even know what to pray for right now. Safe travels certainly but we've been praying that since the beginning. I just don't know what to make of all this.