Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

The Power of Prayer

"Ever since I heard of your strong faith in the Lord Jesus, and your love for Christians everywhere, I have not stopped thanking God for you. I have prayed for you constantly." Ephesians 1. 15-16

When I read this scripture passage this morning I was struck by two things.
1.) What my day would be like if I knew someone was praying for me
 and
2.) What their day would be like for someone else if they knew I was praying for them. 

I was actually thunderstruck by this idea. It just felt like a revelation to think about how much different a person's life could be if they knew someone was praying for them, the way Paul prayed for the church in Ephesus. I thought how I might take on my day differently if I knew someone was specifically praying for me this morning. And I wondered  how YOU might feel if you knew someone had prayed specifically for you today.

It sounds so simple but there is power in simplicity. Of course I pray for others. But I'm thinking of specific prayers. I pictured my friend K.T. who is a powerful prayer warrior. I pictured her on her knees before the throne of God, wrestling on my behalf. I thought about how I might tackle this day differently knowing she'd been in her prayer closet contending for me. I know how blessed and empowered I feel when someone lays their hands on me and prayers for me in person.

I've decided to commit to 30 days of prayer. I have a list of people I intend to pray for over the next 30 days. Each day I will take one person from my list and pray specifically for them. In my small group I challenged each of them to join me in this challenge. I am extending the same challenge to you.... Will you join me? I believe this can be a real game changer.

Is someone praying for me?
Am I praying for someone?

The answer is.... YES.

It Starts With Worship

All week I've been humming or singing the words from a song by Matt Redmond. It's called "The Heart of Worship" and it is a powerful reminder to me of what Worship is... and what it isn't.

It is absolutely true that God deserves our worship. Scripture says if we don't praise Him, the rocks will cry out. And when you look around at creation, a crashing wave, a soaring eagle, a mountain splendor, can't you see the glory of God? Does your heart swell like mine does, in giving thanks and praise to Him for creating such wonders? 

Over and over in the bible we find verses on worship, of praising God. Like most people, I first and foremost tend to think of singing  when I hear the word worship. I read somewhere the other day that music is the one thing that affects more parts of our brain than anything else. Music stirs the heart and emotions and stimulates the brain and becomes imprinted in ways like nothing else. So it's no wonder than that we often think of music and worship simultaneously. 

The story about the song "Heart of Worship" goes something like this: the pastor of the church where songwriter Matt Redman attended, deeply concerned with an attitude of apathy sweeping through the church, got rid of the sound system and instruments for a season. For many Sundays it was just the voices of the people being lifted as they gathered.  The idea was to find their way back to the true heart of Worship and the only way to do it was to strip everything away. The pastor began asking the congregation "When you come through the doors on Sunday what are you bringing as your offering to God?" Initially that led to some awkward silence but eventually people began to break out in spontaneous, genuine, heartfelt praise to God. They found their way back to the True Heart of Worship.

When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

Worship is all about the position of my heart.

When I have challenges or things just don't seem to be very positive, it's very easy to lose focus and go the way of the grumpies. From there it's a slippery slope into cranky-ville. But having the right position in my heart allows me to put my focus on God rather than the difficulties I'm having.

One of the best depression-busters I've found is to put on worship and praise music and flood my soul with it. When I step into worshipping Him, it reminds me of His faithfulness. It also reminds me that worship does not stop when the music does.

Everything I do as a Christian, can --and should be-- done as an Act of Worship. For me that equates out to taking care of my household in ways that honor God. Living within our budget. Serving others with love. Being responsible with the things God has given me to care for. Valuing friendship. Honoring marriage and my husband. Even, yes, even taking my anti-depressant can be an Act of Worship.

We all worship something. I want what I worship to be Jesus.

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much you deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours
Every single breath

Worship sets the stage for me to walk forward with Jesus.

Our pastor asked the question last week, "When was the last time you had a planning session with God about your future?" It brought me up short, because, even as I start my day with devotions and prayer, my goals are usually short term-- 'help me get through this day' seems to be the MO of most of my morning pleas. But if I am going to live the life of a true worshipper, who has Christ at the center, I must think and plan strategically about my future. At my age that might seem a little late to the game, but until Christ calls me home, I have work here to do on earth and I want it to count for something. I don't need to map out the rest of my life, or even the rest of my year but I do feel I need to submit daily to whatever calling He has on my life today. And if He has stuff for me to do (which I am sure He does!) I need to be in a position that is ready and willing to do it. The positioning starts with Worship.


I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Yes. It's all about You, Jesus.

Roller Coaster and Ferris Wheels

"Just once I'd like my ship to come in and not have it carrying nuclear waste." 

Spoken like a man who's been through the wringer when it comes to failures vs success. When you've been riding the financial roller coaster for so many years and then get on a Ferris Wheel you would think the ride would be much smoother. But the dull throb of the headache and lingering twists in your tummy take awhile to subside. 

For many years my hard working husband has been self employed. The last several years of that were beyond lean and we faced many an uphill battle to keep our home and our sanity. God was faithful to continue to provide for us and while we often felt weary from the stress we also grew stronger in our faith. With many people praying with us for a change in circumstances it was with a huge sigh of relief when my husband accepted a job offer for a local company. For the first time in our near 20 years of married life we had a regular paycheck to rely on and a budget that actually could work. What a tremendous blessing.

Still, we had months of financial wreckage to deal with and each month we squeaked by paying just what we needed to pay with nothing left over. We were paying our bills and that felt good but we knew all it would take was one visit to the dentist or a car breakdown to send us reeling. God stepped in once again and my husband, having proved himself capable received a raise in pay. Now we could breathe just a little easier.

Each time we went through one of those roller coaster dips, we tried hard not to freak out. Our God was always faithful and just in the nick of time He would show us a way through the dark valley. He didn’t rescue us from the dark valley but He did walk beside us holding the flashlight. 

photo by Robyn Burke

We often talked about the lesson we were supposed to be learning in all of this. We’d think we’d figured it out and then another financial crisis would strike and we’d cry, “What are we not getting here Lord? Are we really this slow at getting it that we need to go through this again?”

Then a daily devotional arrived in my email. The writer’s main gist was that our success isn’t measured by how well we perform during one of life’s trials, but by our faith. I can breakdown and cry. I can fret and worry and I can even complain bitterly about my situation. But as long as my faith in my Savior doesn’t waver, I come out a winner.

google images

Oh did I ever need this point brought to my attention. I shared it with my husband and we chewed on it for some time. Maybe the lesson we were supposed to be learning wasn’t about how to be strong in a crisis or being humble enough to ask for help. Maybe the lesson had nothing to do with learning to get by on less or going in a different direction. What was important was did we keep looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith?

With a renewed sense of direction we focus now on remaining faithful. If we occasionally still mutter when we pay the bills and worry about too much month at the end of the money, or grumble when others are going to dinner and the movies and we are eating rice and beans and watching you-tube videos, its okay. I doesn’t mean we’ve failed another test. What matters is we are living the life God called us to and we are living it with faith. We may not do it perfectly but we are intent on doing it better. 

Blessed Assurance

I discovered a hidden treasure the other day. While going through boxes of my parent's belongings, I came across a precious piece of paper. In my father's handwriting is a testimony worksheet he had filled out in which he shares how he received Christ and how his life was different because of this. Oh! What a find! And while I have made copies for my siblings, I'm claiming the original for myself. This is why:

Among the things my dad shares in this testimony are several scripture references to verses he was memorizing or found especially comforting to him because of the promises offered. As i jotted these down and began to look them up, something amazing came to light. With the exception of only a few, every single one was something already highlighted in my bible as special to me! With the first two discoveries I just smiled and thought how nice. But as more of them matched my own a little shiver ran up my spine.

 This was not a coincidence. Sure these verses are favorites of many. Verses like "He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities... and by his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53.5 KJV) or this one from Romans 8.1: "So now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (KJV) But a few of them were less commonly quoted or familiar. Yet at one time or another, in my bible readings, these same verses my dad loved, were underlined or highlighted as special to me for one reason or another.

As to the verses that were not a match to my underlined ones this one in particular jumped out at me: "I assure you, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me, have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins but they already have passed from death into life." (John 5.24 NLT)

Why did this verse grab my attention?

Well, even though I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old, I have experienced many times in my life where my salvation felt troubled. Fear and doubt would creep in, making myself question my salvation. I remember as a young girl coming home to find an empty kitchen. A pot was simmering on the stove and while my mother's presence was palpable she was nowhere to be found. My mother was always there when we came home from school. Always. But not this day. Fear struck my heart and I gulped. Terror gripped me as I searched the house calling out her name. I was sure the Rapture had occurred and I'd been left behind! You can imagine my immense comfort when my mother wandered in, fresh from a visit to the neighbors for an impromptu tea visit. And while I nearly collapsed in relief, I was unable to share with her the anxiety and fear I'd just experienced. How could I explain it when I was "supposed to be" a Christian?

I am a little embarrassed to admit that this doubt would continue to haunt me on more than a few occasions. A quiet room when someone had been in it just moments before. A sick feeling coming over me when hearing of terrible things going on in our nation (9-11) and thinking "this is it, the end is near" and being afraid that no matter how many times I'd prayed again to be saved, because I wanted to make sure, I'd still somehow fallen short of being one of those counted righteous in His Sight.

It wasn't a pretty feeling.

Thankfully, in part because of a praying husband, I was able to work through this over time and reach a point where I could say I was sure that I was not going to be left behind. I could rest in God's promise when He said he's adopted me into His family and I will spend eternity in Heaven with Him.

Why I experienced such doubt over my salvation, I can't explain. Perhaps my childhood traumas and later the betrayals by one who professed to love me, played into my psyche and fed that vein of low self esteem: I'm not worthy, I don't deserve salvation. I'm still not good enough for God. Well, here's the deal-- all of that is true! I'm NOT worthy. But because of God's amazing grace and endless love, He accepts me anyway. Funny how I seem to always need reminders of this... but then, we all have an Achilles heel that the enemy loves to poke at. We all have a propensity to something and apparently this was mine. How thankful I was when I realized that particular monkey was off my back.

So, then, coming across this verse the other day was a strong but gentle reminder that I can continue to rest in the promise Jesus gave. The fact that this reminder from my Heavenly Father, came via my other father is a significant factor for me. No matter how many times I struggle in my daily walk with the Lord, no matter the desert-dry days in my spiritual walk, I am still a Child of God. No matter how long I sit in front of a blank page cursing the blinking curser of my computer screen because of writer's block, no matter how apathetic I feel, no matter the brain fog or feelings of lethargy, it does not change Who I Am in Christ.

I am God's girl.
I am forgiven.
I am saved.
I will inherit His riches.
I will be in His Kingdom.
Indeed I already am.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine
Heir of Salvation, Purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His Blood.

This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long *

*Fanny Crosby

The Frugal Housewife

Sounds like a great title for a new blog doesn't it? But, nope, no plans to go in that direction any time soon. Its just that I've been working hard the past few weeks to find ways to trim our household budget and guess what? It's paying off!


Life is becoming decidedly different with my husband now working for someone as opposed to being self employed. For one thing, it's a whole different mind-set. He knows all about BUYING construction materials and he is very skilled at turning those materials into beautiful abodes but now he's on the other side of the counter, selling! It's different and challenging and stretching him every day but he is enjoying it. The work environment is a pleasant one, even while fast paced and demanding. All in all he is slowly but surely finding his niche and settling in.

The other very different part is something we've never really had in all the years we've been together: regular paychecks! There is something to be said for knowing exactly how much you will receive every 2 weeks. I can actually build a budget that works! In self employment it was always a roller coaster cash flow. Some months we had just enough, some months there was more than enough. But more often than not, the months were much too lean to support us in a healthy way. It's a huge blessing and large burden lifted to be living a life that has a more of a flat surface as opposed to the roller coaster ride!

As I laid out our budget however, I could see that there were things that needed to be adjusted. No more getting by on 'a wing and a prayer' (although to be clear, prayer will never depart from our life) Now with income clearly defined we could see our overhead needed to be lowered. So, I got busy and started doing my homework.... What could we do without? What could we change?

I began with researching cell phone providers. While totally satisfied with the service we have had for many years, I just wanted to see if I could find another plan that would help trim the budget. After several false leads and one attempt to 'jump ship' I learned my lesson: Cheap does not equal quality. But asking for something can bring positive results. My cell provider made an adjustment on our monthly service plan that lowers our bill by $40 a month. Same excellent service, same excellent cell phone plan.

It pays to ask!

Next, I shopped insurance. I have learned it always saves to bundle home and auto and while I thought that 15 minutes could save me more, I learned that's not always true. I found auto insurance that not only offers me a better coverage package, it's costing me about 40% less! That's another $40 in my pocket. Yeehaw!

It pays to ask!

Feeling encouraged and brave, I decided to tackle our home internet. We seriously considered whether we could live without internet (it was a scary thought, honestly!) but communication via email, and other online services has become so deeply integrated in our lives, it makes it difficult to not have it. Living in a rural area can also limit the services available so it didn't seem there was much of a choice here but after a tip from my neighbor, I called our internet provider.

We've always had internet through our phone line and we had to have a land line in order to have internet. I learned this wasn't true anymore for our area and made the decision to cut the land line out! That's a little scary too because it's good to have a land line in case your cell service goes bonkers but since I've never had any interruption in my cell coverage here at home in all the years we've had it, it seemed a safe risk. So... bye-bye land line.... and hello internet adjustment. Bazinga! I just lowered my internet with a monthly savings of about $25 a month!

It pays to ask!

I already shop bargain foods and thrift/consignment store clothing. We rarely eat out, movies are whatever we can rent from the local library. We heat with wood and we carpool when ever possible.

 I gave up coloring my hair because I just could not afford it and discovered that the frumpy gray strands were looking much more like silver, which, by golly, I think I like!

 I don't know that I can trim much more off the budget but I am thankful for what I've been able to do so far.

When Bruce decided to take this job we talked about the pros and cons of leaving self employment and going to work for someone else. And despite the pros of that steady paycheck, the con was that it does pay less than what he earns when he is self employed. But we knew without a doubt that God had orchestrated this job. And God knows our needs. He knew what the job paid and what our budget said we needed. We had to move forward in faith, believing that God was either going to fill in the gaps or show us ways to get by on less. He's done both in the last several weeks.



We asked God to show us the way and He has. Yes, oh yes indeed, it pays to ask! 

Answered Prayer; A Healing Touch

"God is seldom early, but He is never late" ~

 Terry "Mateo" Mattson

I believe in the power of prayer. I am never reluctant to ask someone to pray for me when I am in need, nor am I likely to withhold a prayer for someone else who needs it.  This morning was one of those times where the need for healing prayer was my desperate request.

 I was singing on the Worship Team at our church this morning and in the middle of rehearsal something awful happened. I couldn't open my mouth all the way without experiencing shooting pain through my jaw! Now, it's a little hard to sing if you can't open your mouth, and I'm not trying to be funny. Some notes require a more mouth action than others and as I continued singing along, I found my jaw stubbornly and painfully refusing to cooperate. This was not good! 

I have had TMJ (temporomandibular joint disorder) episodes a few times over the years but is has been a long time since it's caused my jaw to lock or refuse to open wider than needed. When rehearsal was done, several of us gathered, as we do every Sunday morning before service, to pray. I made my plea for prayer for myself and explained the reason. My church family quickly gathered around me and prayed specifically for a healing touch, in order that I could sing.  

I didn't feel anything in that moment, nothing to indicate to me that healing had occurred. In fact the pain was still present and my jaw still stubbornly refusing to cooperate. But I was confident. I believed that God could and would take care of this for me. I really felt like I could handle this little painful episode; I just wanted to be able to open my mouth during singing in order to really make the joyful noise I'd been recruited for!  

Our leader for our Worship Team asked me if I was going to be okay and I nodded emphatically and told her I believed God would give me the ability to do what I needed to do, just when I needed it. 

Guess what? HE DID. 

We went into our worship set and I was able to open my mouth, to sing from my heart and there was no pain in my jaw. It cooperated beautifully. 

When we finished singing and I went to find my seat, I experimented a little by forcing some "yawn" action. OOooOh! Pain! And a limited amount of movement. Just as it had happened during rehearsal. 

I was actually somewhat amused that the pain and lack of mobility had departed just long enough to do what had been asked of me that morning. I mean, we did pray specifically for me to be able to sing and sing well and without pain! At the end of the service when we went back up for one last song I grabbed my mic with confidence that I would once again be able to do my part. 

Yep. No problem. 

After church we had potluck and I found it difficult to eat as once again the jaw was being stiff. but I was happy to report to those who had prayed for me that our prayers had been answered! 

As the day went on I did find the pain slowly subsiding and the ability to open my jaw returning.

In my lifetime I have witnessed and experienced God working in our lives.I have learned that He can do things in an instance and He can do things over a period of time. I don't understand it, but I believe that His timing is perfect and there is a reason only He knows as to why things happen the way they do. I don't understand it but I guess that's not my job. My job is to trust.  

(p.s. as an added bonus, this healing prayer episode seems to have also served as a breakthrough in a case of writer's block that's been plaguing me for a few weeks. So, Yay God!! Thank you!!)

Greatest Day In History

*The Greatest Day in History

Death is beaten, You have rescued me

Sing it out, Jesus is alive

The empty cross, the empty grave

Life eternal, You have won the day

Shout it out, Jesus is alive

He's alive

Oh, happy day, happy day

You washed my sin away

Oh, happy day, happy day

I'll never be the same

Forever I am changed

Blessings upon Blessings 

this glorious Resurrection Sunday 2015! 

*Tim Hughes - Happy Day Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Just Jesus

I'll just go ahead and say it. I'm a slow learner. Or, perhaps more correctly, a stubborn one.

You would think that after 40++ years of being a Christian, I'd get it. And, of course, I do. Get it I mean. I get what being a Christ follower means. I get what living a life set apart should look like. I get that living for Jesus demands my whole heart. I get it and I want it and I pursue it. Well, most of the time. I mean, let's be perfectly honest... there are days where living for Jesus is not at the front and center of my heart and mind. More correctly, it's living for Robyn taking His place. And so, I need these constant reminders, these daily checkpoints to stop me in my tracks, keep me in line and help me refocus, renew and recommit.

As so often is the case, when God wants to get a message, He does it repeatedly. It happened that way this morning....

In addition to following a bible reading plan, I receive multiple online devotionals via email. This morning as I sipped my coffee and tried vainly to focus my bleary eyes on the email as viewed through my smartphone, I read the scripture accompanying the devotional. 

From Philippians 4.19: And my God will meet all your needs, according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. 

The main thrust of the devotional was about running on empty-- forgetting to spend time daily with Jesus, refueling. It was a timely and gentle reminder for me as I had allowed a few days to slip away where starting my day with The Word had been forsaken in exchange for whatever else was clamoring for my attention. 

I laid my phone down and picked up my bible and journal to jot down some thoughts. Satisfied with my pondering, I returned to my phone to finish my email. As I scrolled down through the content of the next email what jumped out at me? Reference to not worrying about our own needs because God will supply them.... and, yes, Philippians 4.19.

Even as my heart thrilled in my chest I wasn't that surprised. It was so clearly NOT coincidence. God had my attention. 

I don't forget to eat. I need food to fuel my body and my brain and when I skip a meal or go too long between eating, I grow cranky, tired and sometimes a little shaky. So why do I allow my spirit to skip feedings? 

It has to be more than just a habit I lock myself into. It has to be the most important source I turn to, daily, minute by minute. 

Jesus. 
Just Jesus.

gas fumes and bread crumbs

On Monday next, Bruce begins his new job! (and everybody gave a loud cheer!!) 

for the past 30 days he's been working for our church in an interim position and it's been a blessing in many ways. Starting Monday, the tool belt gets hung up until the weekend. He'll be working in contractor sales-- working on the other side of the desk. It's going to be different. It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be interesting... its going to be great! 

I said awhile back that I was longing for some financial stability in our lives. Self employment is wonderful even as it is stressful, because of the independence it offers but our economy has not been kind to the small business owner in the past several years. You've heard my woes over these past many many months about how hard it's been to scratch out a living. We are so very thankful for the way God has provided for us both in the lean times and the plenty. 

Despite the steady pay checks coming, it's going to take some time for us to climb out of the hole we've slipped into. It only takes a few weeks of no income to send you down into that pit but it often takes 2-3 times longer to climb back out. 

There have been days when life has felt so overwhelmingly difficult. Unpaid bills, creditors calling to demand what is rightfully theirs to demand, getting by on gas fumes and bread crumbs, physical challenges and emotional stress adding to the already fragile morale.... those are the days I need these reminders:
i am not alone. 
God has not forgotten or forsaken me. 
he gives strength to the weary.
he gives hope to the hopeless.
he offers a yoke that is easy, a burden that is light.
he offers a future filled with hope.
he sends me reminders and it gives me the courage and strength i need to face one more day. 

Learning to trust in Him regardless of my circumstances, remembering that trust is a choice, remembering that my source of security and stability is never in a job or a paycheck or any circumstance of life, but in Him and Him alone; that is what allows me to rise up on wings like eagles, to walk and not grow weary, to run and not faint. 

REWIND??

Back in 1986 I watched a fantasy/comedy movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married"  In the movie, a woman named Peggy Sue attends her 25- year high school reunion. She's recently separated from her (cheating) husband Charlie. She regrets some of the decisions she made in her life-- such as marrying Charlie. When she faints at the reunion and wakes up in 1960-- back in high school, she's suddenly given the chance to live her life again. She sets out to change things... only... some choices are more complicated... her relationship with Charlie being just one of them.

I suppose all of us at one time or another has wondered if we had the chance do our lives over again, if we wouldn't do some things differently. I know I have.  If I woke up to find myself back in high school I want to think I'd make much wiser decisions, knowing then what I know now. However, who I am today is based on the experiences I have had. So, if I had a rewind button on my life, while I might be tempted to push it  I think it would be to revisit the highlights of my life, just for the pleasure of reliving those moments...

family hikes...
camping...
the birth of my children...
the falling in love experience with my sweetie....
vacations that brought much  happiness....
meeting my grandchildren for the first time...

But perhaps the one thing I would truly love to re-experience are the mountain top highs in my relationship with Jesus. 

I've been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I was raised in the faith, having attended church my whole life and except for some teen-age rebellious years, have pretty much tried to walk the talk. It wasn't until I was in my 30's however that I realized that what I'd been calling my "Christian Life" wasn't exactly the full life that God had planned for me. I'd been living life according to Robyn, making decisions based on what I thought was best for me, not on seeking out what was God's best for me. 

The day I came face to face with this truth was the day my relationship with Jesus got real. I realized that a lot of what I had been doing was based on religion: going through the motions of bible reading, attending church, praying and signing up for lots of 'do-good' activities. When I caught a glimpse of just how much Jesus loved me and how much He wanted a real relationship with me, that's when things began to change. For the better.

Since then, it's been a process, a journey, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but an exciting adventure with laughter, tears, sorrows and joys. And while I wouldn't trade that for anything, there are times I realize I've been coasting, sort of taking my Christian life for granted. I start getting a little lukewarm about things... the passion cools, the mind wanders, and then I find I've drifted into a dry and weary desert... again.

I really don't like when this happens. That's when I wish I  could push a rewind button and go back to the times where I felt the Holy Spirit powerfully at work within me. This last time of desert dryness I finally reached a point of such frustration that I did something either incredible brave or incredible stupid. I asked the Lord to ignite in me a Holy Passion for the things He wants me to go after.

I prayed that prayer and then sat back in fear and trepidation wondering what would happen next. It's been a few weeks since I prayed that prayer-- and I've even repeated it a time or two. It's been a slow, tender unfolding but change is happening. I feel like I am coming out of a long winter's nap and as I stretch and yawn and look around, I feel like a little branch on a tree, it's delicate shoot gently unfurling a little more each day.

God knows me so well and while in someone else's life He might bring change swift and powerfully, He knows me and He knows my circumstances. He knows at what speed I need to travel --when to go fast, when to go slow. But each day I have felt the passion re-igniting. Yes, it's slow but it's enough. And I am aware that the rewind button isn't necessary. It's a brand new movie and while occasionally I might catch a peek of the trailer, it's with my best interest in mind that God reveals things to me in just the right measure, at just the right speed, at just the right time.

Praise  God!

When No Becomes Yes

If you read my post on  Divine Appointments and then the follow up Handling Disappointments, about the whole job opportunity for my sweetie that didn't come to pass, this may be of special interest to you.

When the "divine appointment" happened, we clearly could see it was a God-orchestrated thing. And then, after the interview, when they called and said "sorry, but not at this time", we trusted there was still a lesson in all of it and we'd just roll with it.

Then, last week a couple of things happened.

First, a little out of the blue, Bruce was offered a part time-short term position with our church helping assess a maintenance position that needed to be filled. He thought that sounded rather interesting and said sure, why not.

On the heels of this, another call came in and.... yep, the job that didn't happen was now calling back asking was he still interested? (Apparently, the first person they offered the position to, didn't work out.) Short story is, he will start working full time for the building supply company in March!

(Insert insanely happy dancing and yippy-ki-yaying here)

Our take on this is that given the way the job came to his attention in the first place (with a little bit of shock) and considering the internal struggle he has wrestled with,(is this really what I want to do?)  God was just giving him more time to think on it. And to flex that ol' trust muscle a little more. The interim position with our church is also an interesting piece of the pie and I am sure the next 30 days will prove to be greatly beneficial in ways we are yet to discover.

It humbles me and scares me at the same time. One thing I am learning over and over again is that when we choose to be Christ followers, we allow God to be in control. The journey with God is best enjoyed when we let Him choose the vehicle that will transport us from one adventure to the next. The best thing I can do is get in, buckle up and let God drive. When I let God have His way with me, I experience that Peace that Passes Understanding, for which there is no comparison.

This new job for Bruce is going to be an adventure for sure. Thirty-some years ago, God led him into construction, kicking and screaming, and then he discovered how well suited he was for it. We're trusting that God's leading into a different realm of the construction world is just as big a part of God's plan for our lives as it always has been.

Imagine That!

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you." 

Isaiah 26.3

Having peace of mind in troubled times can often feel unobtainable. I don't know about you but when I'm worried or anxious, my imagination can run wild. I start thinking of all the things that can go wrong, and it just mushrooms from there. Peace feels like a fuzzy concept. I desperately want it but it seems just out of reach.

The bible tells me that the only way to have peace is to 'fix my mind' on God. I recently learned that the word 'mind' in the Isaiah passage does not refer to the mind as in logical, rational. problem solving but it's the word for 'imagination'. It's our imaginations that can cause us to lose our peace.  I'm learning that the only way to fix my mind on God is to grab hold of my (run away) imagination and bring it to Him.

There's a great lesson is the quote "Don't believe everything you think."  There's been a lot of "junk food" my mind has been fed over the years. Junk food like "you're worthless" or "God doesn't care about your needs." As a result, I can't be trusted to tell myself the truth all the time. It's not enough to just erase the old tapes; I need to replace those thoughts with something else.

When I let my mind have control I will copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but when I let God have control, He will transform me into a new person by changing the way I think. (Romans 12.2)

2 Corinthians 10.5 tells us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have an imagination given through God's design but instead of using it for negative scenarios, why not instead imagine all the great and marvelous works my God is capable of? Instead of imaging all the bad things that can happen, I can concentrate on all of His marvelous works, provisions and His Sovereign Grace. I'm choosing today to let God shape my imagination.


Now Glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more that we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayer, desires, thoughts or hopes. May He be given glory forever. Ephesians 3.20-21

Grace, Strength, Hope

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12.9

What a timeless verse! I've shared it many times here on my blog but its a passage of scripture that never loses power, never fails to stir a hope in me that surpasses whatever dark and weary emotion is weighing me down. The word 'grace' itself has several meanings. There's the grace that brings to mind a ballerina, pirouetting gently. There is grace as in being courteous. And then, the grace as in unmerited favor, offered freely, giving us eternal life. Grace is also the word I chose for this year as an area to concentrate on and grow in.
 

We all struggle with a weakness. Some physical, some internal. We are, after all, fragile 'jars of clay' as Paul puts it. I think of all the times I have struggled to find energy to do the thing that lies before me.When physical ailments challenge me the thing I need to do instantly becomes bigger. When I'm having a dark day internally, the thing I need to do can quickly get pushed to the bottom of the list. It's sometimes easier to pull the covers over my head and hide than try to forge ahead. It's on days like this that this verse saves me. Think about it. Christ is saying my weakness works to His advantage. If I am feeling strong and confident, I won't likely turn to Him. ("I can do it myself") Christ says it's when I am weak that He does His best work. It's as if being weak is the whole point!

And what about the next part of that passage?

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

God says "my grace is sufficient" but the take away for Paul was to boast about it! And not just to boast, but to also be content in it. I've said before that with chronic depression I have found ways to be thankful for it. It has made me all the more dependent on the Lord. I do feel like Paul, in that I have prayed-- and been prayed for-- that the depression would leave and I wouldn't need to take my little mood stabilizers anymore. So far it's not happened. And I'M OKAY WITH THAT. Because the power of Christ lives in me. I have learned to be content with my condition, with the gray days and the low energy. I'm okay with others judging me when they don't know the whole story. I'm okay with the difficulties that a chronic condition brings. I'm okay with it ...and I am grateful.

Because... when I am weak, then I am strong.

On Handling Disappointments

The big word is always TRUST. 

We all know one of life's Big Questions is "where is God when bad things happen", or some variation of that. One of the things that has been pressing close to my heart this past week is from Romans 8.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (Romans 8. 35 NLT)

What I hear in this passage is that regardless of my circumstances, I am still God's beloved child (I John 3.2) and I will never be snatched out of His hand. (John 10.28) Unless I willingly choose to step out of His protection in pursuit of my own selfish pleasures of this world, unless I am turning my back on God's will for my life, I am and will be, forever firmly planted in His care. 

It's been difficult to understand this long stretch of financial challenges Bruce and I have been traveling. If Life is a Road then there have been times when it feels like ours looks like this:

The hills and the valleys both bring challenges, the hairpin curves feel threatening, fog and rain make it difficult to navigate. There's been flat tires, engine failures and empty gas tanks. We've had to get out and push the car up the hill some days. (I'm speaking metaphorically, you understand) And it's been difficult to comprehend because it's not like we drive a clunker. In other words.... we are persistent in trying to follow what we believe is God's will. 

What it comes down to in this life is this: Trust. It's so crucial isn't it? I have to trust other people in order to build real relationships with them. I have to trust that things we set out to do will yield positive results. And I have to trust that God's Word is true. Trusting that God has the best plan for my life. Trusting that whatever life brings, nothing can snatch me out of His hand.

This week we got the news about the job Bruce applied for. The answer was a disappointing no. I thought I would be crushed by this, based on how badly I was rooting for it. The funny thing is, I did feel sad and disappointed and yet ...not without hope. While my first thought was "noooooooo!!!", my second thought was "God has something else in mind." 

There have been times I have wondered if we were somehow being punished for something we did--which I could accept being in dire straights if we were operating under illegal or immoral principles. I'd get it if we were lazy people who didn't want to work. But the God I know doesn't operate that way for people who follow Him. I don't follow the 'name it and claim it' theology but I do believe God wants to bless us. I am learning however that sometimes His blessings come in very different packages. 

I have to trust that what we are living is all part of God's plan for our lives. That even when I can't see what the purpose of the moment is, there is a higher purpose. Whether it is to teach us or someone else a lesson, to develop something in our character that still needs refining, or to build up something in us that no one can tear down, I need to trust God.

I must choose to trust God. Because any other option will break me. 

  

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8. 38-39 NLT)

Divine Appointments

I wasn't going to write about this until I knew what the outcome was going to be. I was convicted however, by the reminder that no matter how this turns out, it's still God who is in control. God, who knows what's best.

Last week as I perused the classifieds a job posting caught my eye. I mentioned it to Bruce as a possibility for him. He was intrigued enough for me to send him the listing to examine for himself. While the job was definitely within his realm of interest and skill set, he was a little iffy about pursuing it as it would take him out of active home building and design, something he still really loves to do. Still, a job is a job and with our roller coaster economic situation all opportunities need to be explored and considered.

A couple of days later he had business to attend to at the place that was advertising for help. As he parked his truck he decided, for various reasons, to not ask about the job. He tends to be a bit of a "fleece thrower" and he just wasn't sure this position was a direction God was taking him. As he stood in the parking lot one of the guys who works there, a guy who Bruce deals with almost exclusively for all his material orders for construction jobs, came out to greet him. This wasn't strange really, but still, a little unusual. J. told Bruce he had a couple of things he wanted to Bruce to know. First, he told Bruce, he was retiring. (Ah, the reason for the job opening) That made Bruce a little sad as he really trusts J. and enjoys doing business with him. The second thing, J. pressed on, was he had already given his boss Bruce's name as a candidate to replace him. 

You can imagine the shock that rippled through Bruce at that moment but he maintained composure and a lengthy conversation ensued. This was followed by a chat with the manager of the store. While nothing was settled by these discussions, Bruce left there with his head spinning slightly. He certainly recognized this was not a coincidence by any means. In fact he knew this could only be a God-orchestrated moment and he felt obliged to follow through on this as far as he could.

You can probably also imagine the reaction he got from me when he got home and shared all of this with me. While I TRIED to maintain a neutral expression and refrain from telling him what to do, my body language CLEARLY told him anyway. We had quite a conversation about the possibilities and what to do next. Then, putting it into prayer and the Lord's hands, we tabled it.

The next morning he was called and invited to come in for an interview. On Monday he had the interview. It went well but he had no real sense of what they might be thinking. There were of course, several other applicants to meet with. But we should hear something by the end of this week. Until then, while I am anxious for a decision, I am also watching Bruce wrestle with this:  What is God calling me to do? Is He calling me out of construction after clearly leading me into it 30 some years ago? If I don't get the job what should the take away be from the way this opportunity was crafted?
Other questions like: am I ready to walk away from home building and instead be supplying materials to other home builders? I've been looking for work but the opportunities are slim. My body can't keep up with the physical demands of construction; I need to be using my administrative and managerial skills and let the younger guys do the physical stuff.  

And so on. It's not easy when you've been self employed for over 30 years to lay that down in exchange for being an employee. Even when that means steady income and somewhat less stress.

Sigh. I'm watching and praying.

Experiencing the Divine Appointment of last week has reminded me just how much God is involved in the minute moments of our lives. That verse about knowing the numbers of hairs on our head and if He cares about the sparrow, how much more He cares about us?* It's true and this was driven home so clearly for me this past week. I am having my own wrestling match with my thoughts that range from how clearly this IS a God- moment and how I believe that Bruce will get the job and life will settle down and be somewhat calmer, to preparing myself for him to not get the job-- or worse, he's offered the job and feels led to say no-- in which case I have a friend lined up to help me hide the body--(JUST KIDDING)  but through it all, remembering that God knows the plans for us... plans for good and not to harm us, plans to give us a future and a hope.**

Knowing, and believing, WHO is really in control, is keeping me sane.

* Matthew 10.29-30
** Jeremiah 29.11