Here Comes Christmas

 

The season of Advent is upon us!

 I'm experiencing the coming of Christmas in a new way this year-- I got a job for the holiday season, working retail.

 Yes, the stories about long lines, hurried shoppers, tired feet and crying babies is true. However it hasn't been the chaos I thought it might be. I guess people shopping for bibles are a little less likely to push, shove, scream and whine.

That's right. My job is working in a Christian book and gift store. I'm enjoying it and especially love helping someone look for a new bible and explain the different types available and then watching the look of pleasure as they settle on their bible. It's a good feeling.

I'm experiencing Advent in another new way-- I already have my tree up!

I know, I know, my rule about not putting out decorations until AFTER my birthday is being broken. But since they are my rules, I guess I get to break 'em!

It's just that my husband and I made the most adorable tree out of pallet boards and its now parked on my front porch and it just makes me smile each time I glance outside and see the little white lights glistening in the dark.

Soon, I'll bring out the inside decorations, which is usually just the nativity set and some special ornaments that speak of the birth of Christ to us.

We are also doing an Advent reading each morning. It's a perfect way to prepare our hearts for the celebration of the birth of Christ and as a reminder that some day He is coming again!


What do you do to prepare for Christmas? 

Step by Step

O God, you are my God

and I will ever praise you!

I will seek you in the morning

I will learn to walk in your ways.

And step by step

You'll lead me and 

I will follow you all of my days.*

Life has been good. I've been busy. The empty page for writing that used to taunt me has taken a back burner to the activities God's been bringing me. I got a job!
I started in Oct. Its part time and seasonal which means after Christmas we will see if they want to keep me on. But the job is great and I'm helping people and surrounded by good people. Its working in a Christian bookstore-- what a good fit! Books, Jesus and serving others!

I've been too busy to worry about writing although there are days the thought nags at me that I've neglected my blog, neglected my muse, neglected my creative side. But being involved in others lives has kept me from going too deep into worry.

With the changing of the clock and the changing of the seasons came the potential for an increase in feeling lethargic. In times past it's gotten me down pretty low. This year I was prepared for it mentally and it hasn't dropped me to my knees. I still have days when it feels like my anti-depressant isn't working as well as it should but I'm pushing on, refusing to let that stop me from reaching for positive things.

I have an exciting goal set for January of going to visit my daughter and grandkids in Florida and the job is the blessing that will allow it to happen! It's long past due for a visit.

All in all, life is good. And I just keep taking one day at a time, one step at a time, letting God take the lead.

* lyrics from Rich Mullins, Sometimes/Step by Step

Roller Coaster and Ferris Wheels

"Just once I'd like my ship to come in and not have it carrying nuclear waste." 

Spoken like a man who's been through the wringer when it comes to failures vs success. When you've been riding the financial roller coaster for so many years and then get on a Ferris Wheel you would think the ride would be much smoother. But the dull throb of the headache and lingering twists in your tummy take awhile to subside. 

For many years my hard working husband has been self employed. The last several years of that were beyond lean and we faced many an uphill battle to keep our home and our sanity. God was faithful to continue to provide for us and while we often felt weary from the stress we also grew stronger in our faith. With many people praying with us for a change in circumstances it was with a huge sigh of relief when my husband accepted a job offer for a local company. For the first time in our near 20 years of married life we had a regular paycheck to rely on and a budget that actually could work. What a tremendous blessing.

Still, we had months of financial wreckage to deal with and each month we squeaked by paying just what we needed to pay with nothing left over. We were paying our bills and that felt good but we knew all it would take was one visit to the dentist or a car breakdown to send us reeling. God stepped in once again and my husband, having proved himself capable received a raise in pay. Now we could breathe just a little easier.

Each time we went through one of those roller coaster dips, we tried hard not to freak out. Our God was always faithful and just in the nick of time He would show us a way through the dark valley. He didn’t rescue us from the dark valley but He did walk beside us holding the flashlight. 

photo by Robyn Burke

We often talked about the lesson we were supposed to be learning in all of this. We’d think we’d figured it out and then another financial crisis would strike and we’d cry, “What are we not getting here Lord? Are we really this slow at getting it that we need to go through this again?”

Then a daily devotional arrived in my email. The writer’s main gist was that our success isn’t measured by how well we perform during one of life’s trials, but by our faith. I can breakdown and cry. I can fret and worry and I can even complain bitterly about my situation. But as long as my faith in my Savior doesn’t waver, I come out a winner.

google images

Oh did I ever need this point brought to my attention. I shared it with my husband and we chewed on it for some time. Maybe the lesson we were supposed to be learning wasn’t about how to be strong in a crisis or being humble enough to ask for help. Maybe the lesson had nothing to do with learning to get by on less or going in a different direction. What was important was did we keep looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith?

With a renewed sense of direction we focus now on remaining faithful. If we occasionally still mutter when we pay the bills and worry about too much month at the end of the money, or grumble when others are going to dinner and the movies and we are eating rice and beans and watching you-tube videos, its okay. I doesn’t mean we’ve failed another test. What matters is we are living the life God called us to and we are living it with faith. We may not do it perfectly but we are intent on doing it better. 

The Summer of '97; the Sequel

If you've been following my blog for any length of time, you probably already know that Tall Timber Ranch holds a very special place in my heart. It's where I met my sweetie, and where our courtship sparked, it's where he popped the question a couple of years later and it's where we visit when ever we get the chance. It is also where we lived the first summer after we married.

Grasshopper Mountain in the morning light

 Having worked in the kitchen for summer camp the year before, I was ready and willing to give it another go. I was prepared for the long tiring days because I also knew the rewards that came with the job. Being a part of a team effort that reached children of all ages and introduced them to the love of Jesus was worth every aching muscle, even every burn from the grill. Not to mention,Tall Timber is located in such a beautiful setting, it takes your breath away every time you walk outside and face the massive mountain range that borders the camp. Yep, I was looking forward to another experience at the camp.

making pans and pans full of jo-jo's!

The catch was... what about Bruce? Well, I certainly didn't relish the idea of being separated all summer. Being apart the year before had been challenging but we weren't married then! We thought the idea of living at the camp for the summer to be a fun one, if we could just find a way to make it work on his end. The only way was if he could land a job near there. Hmmm.

He began detailing the criteria he'd need for a temporary job.

1. Construction work, obviously; something he enjoyed doing would be sweet.

2. It needed to be located close enough to Tall Timber that commuting wouldn't be a big hassle.

3.  It needed to be one job- something that would last from June-August or Sept.

4. Preferably paid by the hour, not a bid, at prevailing wage.

And just to make it a little more challenging, he added that it would be nice if he knew the person or company well enough ahead of time to know if it would be a good working environment.

Well, that's quite a list and once I heard it my heart sank just a little. It wasn't that I doubted God could orchestrate it. It was that Bruce was painting a pretty tight circle around our mission opportunity. Add to this, I really needed to give the camp a definite answer about the job and soon. With no leads on any carpentry work and a decision about the assistant cook position waiting, the pressure was getting rather intense.

Finally the moment arrive where we said, Look, do we trust God or not? We believe He's calling me to come back and work at the camp. We want to go. Do we say yes and trust that God will bring Bruce work? What if we say yes and no work develops for Bruce and he has to return home in order to work? Can we deal with that? With prayer and faith, we decided to go for it. I called the camp and affirmed I would be there in June.

The next day... the VERY NEXT DAY, Bruce got a phone call from a contemporary in the construction world. A builder/supplier of log home kits, he was calling to ask Bruce about doing some sub-contracting work for him... (which he'd done in the past) and as the conversation developed, Bruce explained what our plans for the summer were.... and guess what???  Mr. M. just so happened to have a log house kit being erected in Leavenworth Wa, which was a 40 minute drive from Tall Timber. He needed someone to come in and do specialty trim and finish work. By the hour. It was enough work to last all summer. Would Bruce be interested?

the house Bruce worked on that summer. 

I chuckle every time I tell this story or even think about it. That's just how our God works! We step out in faith and He meets us, greets us, and when it comes to wants and needs, exceeds us!

So, that is how a few weeks later we loaded up my car and his work truck and headed over the mountains to our special camp. We spent the next 3 months living in a dorm style lodge, playing house parents to a building full of college kids.

Shultze Center, the dorm style housing where we lived.

It was a very different summer from the one before. That first summer I was learning my way around the kitchen and the quirks of the schedule. I was there with my daughter, rebuilding our relationship, missing my fiance and being stretched in various ways.

That second summer, feeling seasoned and comfortable, I was able to relax and find ways to play a little bit more. Bruce took a week and volunteered as counselor for Sr. High Camp, we enjoyed some weekend hikes and camp outs. We mingled with college kids and not only laughed at their antics but readily joined in. (OK--we might have even instigated some of it.)

date night for the love-burkes. We went to Leavenworth one night for the outdoor summer theater!

I've been back many times over the years, to help out in the kitchen when needed and even do a few stints as camp counselor but it's those summers of 1996 and 1997 that stand out in my memory the strongest. How God used those times to stretch our character, build our faith, heal our hearts, bind us together, and bless us in unimaginable ways.

the view of the camp from Eagles Nest Mountain.

The Frugal Housewife

Sounds like a great title for a new blog doesn't it? But, nope, no plans to go in that direction any time soon. Its just that I've been working hard the past few weeks to find ways to trim our household budget and guess what? It's paying off!


Life is becoming decidedly different with my husband now working for someone as opposed to being self employed. For one thing, it's a whole different mind-set. He knows all about BUYING construction materials and he is very skilled at turning those materials into beautiful abodes but now he's on the other side of the counter, selling! It's different and challenging and stretching him every day but he is enjoying it. The work environment is a pleasant one, even while fast paced and demanding. All in all he is slowly but surely finding his niche and settling in.

The other very different part is something we've never really had in all the years we've been together: regular paychecks! There is something to be said for knowing exactly how much you will receive every 2 weeks. I can actually build a budget that works! In self employment it was always a roller coaster cash flow. Some months we had just enough, some months there was more than enough. But more often than not, the months were much too lean to support us in a healthy way. It's a huge blessing and large burden lifted to be living a life that has a more of a flat surface as opposed to the roller coaster ride!

As I laid out our budget however, I could see that there were things that needed to be adjusted. No more getting by on 'a wing and a prayer' (although to be clear, prayer will never depart from our life) Now with income clearly defined we could see our overhead needed to be lowered. So, I got busy and started doing my homework.... What could we do without? What could we change?

I began with researching cell phone providers. While totally satisfied with the service we have had for many years, I just wanted to see if I could find another plan that would help trim the budget. After several false leads and one attempt to 'jump ship' I learned my lesson: Cheap does not equal quality. But asking for something can bring positive results. My cell provider made an adjustment on our monthly service plan that lowers our bill by $40 a month. Same excellent service, same excellent cell phone plan.

It pays to ask!

Next, I shopped insurance. I have learned it always saves to bundle home and auto and while I thought that 15 minutes could save me more, I learned that's not always true. I found auto insurance that not only offers me a better coverage package, it's costing me about 40% less! That's another $40 in my pocket. Yeehaw!

It pays to ask!

Feeling encouraged and brave, I decided to tackle our home internet. We seriously considered whether we could live without internet (it was a scary thought, honestly!) but communication via email, and other online services has become so deeply integrated in our lives, it makes it difficult to not have it. Living in a rural area can also limit the services available so it didn't seem there was much of a choice here but after a tip from my neighbor, I called our internet provider.

We've always had internet through our phone line and we had to have a land line in order to have internet. I learned this wasn't true anymore for our area and made the decision to cut the land line out! That's a little scary too because it's good to have a land line in case your cell service goes bonkers but since I've never had any interruption in my cell coverage here at home in all the years we've had it, it seemed a safe risk. So... bye-bye land line.... and hello internet adjustment. Bazinga! I just lowered my internet with a monthly savings of about $25 a month!

It pays to ask!

I already shop bargain foods and thrift/consignment store clothing. We rarely eat out, movies are whatever we can rent from the local library. We heat with wood and we carpool when ever possible.

 I gave up coloring my hair because I just could not afford it and discovered that the frumpy gray strands were looking much more like silver, which, by golly, I think I like!

 I don't know that I can trim much more off the budget but I am thankful for what I've been able to do so far.

When Bruce decided to take this job we talked about the pros and cons of leaving self employment and going to work for someone else. And despite the pros of that steady paycheck, the con was that it does pay less than what he earns when he is self employed. But we knew without a doubt that God had orchestrated this job. And God knows our needs. He knew what the job paid and what our budget said we needed. We had to move forward in faith, believing that God was either going to fill in the gaps or show us ways to get by on less. He's done both in the last several weeks.



We asked God to show us the way and He has. Yes, oh yes indeed, it pays to ask! 

gas fumes and bread crumbs

On Monday next, Bruce begins his new job! (and everybody gave a loud cheer!!) 

for the past 30 days he's been working for our church in an interim position and it's been a blessing in many ways. Starting Monday, the tool belt gets hung up until the weekend. He'll be working in contractor sales-- working on the other side of the desk. It's going to be different. It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be interesting... its going to be great! 

I said awhile back that I was longing for some financial stability in our lives. Self employment is wonderful even as it is stressful, because of the independence it offers but our economy has not been kind to the small business owner in the past several years. You've heard my woes over these past many many months about how hard it's been to scratch out a living. We are so very thankful for the way God has provided for us both in the lean times and the plenty. 

Despite the steady pay checks coming, it's going to take some time for us to climb out of the hole we've slipped into. It only takes a few weeks of no income to send you down into that pit but it often takes 2-3 times longer to climb back out. 

There have been days when life has felt so overwhelmingly difficult. Unpaid bills, creditors calling to demand what is rightfully theirs to demand, getting by on gas fumes and bread crumbs, physical challenges and emotional stress adding to the already fragile morale.... those are the days I need these reminders:
i am not alone. 
God has not forgotten or forsaken me. 
he gives strength to the weary.
he gives hope to the hopeless.
he offers a yoke that is easy, a burden that is light.
he offers a future filled with hope.
he sends me reminders and it gives me the courage and strength i need to face one more day. 

Learning to trust in Him regardless of my circumstances, remembering that trust is a choice, remembering that my source of security and stability is never in a job or a paycheck or any circumstance of life, but in Him and Him alone; that is what allows me to rise up on wings like eagles, to walk and not grow weary, to run and not faint. 

When No Becomes Yes

If you read my post on  Divine Appointments and then the follow up Handling Disappointments, about the whole job opportunity for my sweetie that didn't come to pass, this may be of special interest to you.

When the "divine appointment" happened, we clearly could see it was a God-orchestrated thing. And then, after the interview, when they called and said "sorry, but not at this time", we trusted there was still a lesson in all of it and we'd just roll with it.

Then, last week a couple of things happened.

First, a little out of the blue, Bruce was offered a part time-short term position with our church helping assess a maintenance position that needed to be filled. He thought that sounded rather interesting and said sure, why not.

On the heels of this, another call came in and.... yep, the job that didn't happen was now calling back asking was he still interested? (Apparently, the first person they offered the position to, didn't work out.) Short story is, he will start working full time for the building supply company in March!

(Insert insanely happy dancing and yippy-ki-yaying here)

Our take on this is that given the way the job came to his attention in the first place (with a little bit of shock) and considering the internal struggle he has wrestled with,(is this really what I want to do?)  God was just giving him more time to think on it. And to flex that ol' trust muscle a little more. The interim position with our church is also an interesting piece of the pie and I am sure the next 30 days will prove to be greatly beneficial in ways we are yet to discover.

It humbles me and scares me at the same time. One thing I am learning over and over again is that when we choose to be Christ followers, we allow God to be in control. The journey with God is best enjoyed when we let Him choose the vehicle that will transport us from one adventure to the next. The best thing I can do is get in, buckle up and let God drive. When I let God have His way with me, I experience that Peace that Passes Understanding, for which there is no comparison.

This new job for Bruce is going to be an adventure for sure. Thirty-some years ago, God led him into construction, kicking and screaming, and then he discovered how well suited he was for it. We're trusting that God's leading into a different realm of the construction world is just as big a part of God's plan for our lives as it always has been.

On Handling Disappointments

The big word is always TRUST. 

We all know one of life's Big Questions is "where is God when bad things happen", or some variation of that. One of the things that has been pressing close to my heart this past week is from Romans 8.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (Romans 8. 35 NLT)

What I hear in this passage is that regardless of my circumstances, I am still God's beloved child (I John 3.2) and I will never be snatched out of His hand. (John 10.28) Unless I willingly choose to step out of His protection in pursuit of my own selfish pleasures of this world, unless I am turning my back on God's will for my life, I am and will be, forever firmly planted in His care. 

It's been difficult to understand this long stretch of financial challenges Bruce and I have been traveling. If Life is a Road then there have been times when it feels like ours looks like this:

The hills and the valleys both bring challenges, the hairpin curves feel threatening, fog and rain make it difficult to navigate. There's been flat tires, engine failures and empty gas tanks. We've had to get out and push the car up the hill some days. (I'm speaking metaphorically, you understand) And it's been difficult to comprehend because it's not like we drive a clunker. In other words.... we are persistent in trying to follow what we believe is God's will. 

What it comes down to in this life is this: Trust. It's so crucial isn't it? I have to trust other people in order to build real relationships with them. I have to trust that things we set out to do will yield positive results. And I have to trust that God's Word is true. Trusting that God has the best plan for my life. Trusting that whatever life brings, nothing can snatch me out of His hand.

This week we got the news about the job Bruce applied for. The answer was a disappointing no. I thought I would be crushed by this, based on how badly I was rooting for it. The funny thing is, I did feel sad and disappointed and yet ...not without hope. While my first thought was "noooooooo!!!", my second thought was "God has something else in mind." 

There have been times I have wondered if we were somehow being punished for something we did--which I could accept being in dire straights if we were operating under illegal or immoral principles. I'd get it if we were lazy people who didn't want to work. But the God I know doesn't operate that way for people who follow Him. I don't follow the 'name it and claim it' theology but I do believe God wants to bless us. I am learning however that sometimes His blessings come in very different packages. 

I have to trust that what we are living is all part of God's plan for our lives. That even when I can't see what the purpose of the moment is, there is a higher purpose. Whether it is to teach us or someone else a lesson, to develop something in our character that still needs refining, or to build up something in us that no one can tear down, I need to trust God.

I must choose to trust God. Because any other option will break me. 

  

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8. 38-39 NLT)

while I'm waiting

Well, the week came to an end without any definitive word about the job. Patience is a virtue, right? (she says tapping her fingers impatiently) But, God is doing something in this time, of that I am sure. So, no worries...

The song that keeps coming to me is  "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. A sample from the lyrics are:

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait.

Divine Appointments

I wasn't going to write about this until I knew what the outcome was going to be. I was convicted however, by the reminder that no matter how this turns out, it's still God who is in control. God, who knows what's best.

Last week as I perused the classifieds a job posting caught my eye. I mentioned it to Bruce as a possibility for him. He was intrigued enough for me to send him the listing to examine for himself. While the job was definitely within his realm of interest and skill set, he was a little iffy about pursuing it as it would take him out of active home building and design, something he still really loves to do. Still, a job is a job and with our roller coaster economic situation all opportunities need to be explored and considered.

A couple of days later he had business to attend to at the place that was advertising for help. As he parked his truck he decided, for various reasons, to not ask about the job. He tends to be a bit of a "fleece thrower" and he just wasn't sure this position was a direction God was taking him. As he stood in the parking lot one of the guys who works there, a guy who Bruce deals with almost exclusively for all his material orders for construction jobs, came out to greet him. This wasn't strange really, but still, a little unusual. J. told Bruce he had a couple of things he wanted to Bruce to know. First, he told Bruce, he was retiring. (Ah, the reason for the job opening) That made Bruce a little sad as he really trusts J. and enjoys doing business with him. The second thing, J. pressed on, was he had already given his boss Bruce's name as a candidate to replace him. 

You can imagine the shock that rippled through Bruce at that moment but he maintained composure and a lengthy conversation ensued. This was followed by a chat with the manager of the store. While nothing was settled by these discussions, Bruce left there with his head spinning slightly. He certainly recognized this was not a coincidence by any means. In fact he knew this could only be a God-orchestrated moment and he felt obliged to follow through on this as far as he could.

You can probably also imagine the reaction he got from me when he got home and shared all of this with me. While I TRIED to maintain a neutral expression and refrain from telling him what to do, my body language CLEARLY told him anyway. We had quite a conversation about the possibilities and what to do next. Then, putting it into prayer and the Lord's hands, we tabled it.

The next morning he was called and invited to come in for an interview. On Monday he had the interview. It went well but he had no real sense of what they might be thinking. There were of course, several other applicants to meet with. But we should hear something by the end of this week. Until then, while I am anxious for a decision, I am also watching Bruce wrestle with this:  What is God calling me to do? Is He calling me out of construction after clearly leading me into it 30 some years ago? If I don't get the job what should the take away be from the way this opportunity was crafted?
Other questions like: am I ready to walk away from home building and instead be supplying materials to other home builders? I've been looking for work but the opportunities are slim. My body can't keep up with the physical demands of construction; I need to be using my administrative and managerial skills and let the younger guys do the physical stuff.  

And so on. It's not easy when you've been self employed for over 30 years to lay that down in exchange for being an employee. Even when that means steady income and somewhat less stress.

Sigh. I'm watching and praying.

Experiencing the Divine Appointment of last week has reminded me just how much God is involved in the minute moments of our lives. That verse about knowing the numbers of hairs on our head and if He cares about the sparrow, how much more He cares about us?* It's true and this was driven home so clearly for me this past week. I am having my own wrestling match with my thoughts that range from how clearly this IS a God- moment and how I believe that Bruce will get the job and life will settle down and be somewhat calmer, to preparing myself for him to not get the job-- or worse, he's offered the job and feels led to say no-- in which case I have a friend lined up to help me hide the body--(JUST KIDDING)  but through it all, remembering that God knows the plans for us... plans for good and not to harm us, plans to give us a future and a hope.**

Knowing, and believing, WHO is really in control, is keeping me sane.

* Matthew 10.29-30
** Jeremiah 29.11

On Being Thankful

Be thankful.
A simple concept, yes?

Scripture tells me to be thankful over and over again...

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Jesus Christ. 
(1 Thessalonians 5.18)

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever! (Psalm 107.1)

Give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Ephesians 5.120)

BUT... let's be honest....Some days it's harder than others.

My husband is self employed, as you may already know. That means when he's not working, there isn't unemployment to tide us over to the next job. Because the past several years have been incredible lean, there is no cushion called savings to fall back on. And let's be even MORE honest. At our age it's really difficult to find a job working for some other company. (Despite his vast experience they want to hire younger people.) Anyway, I am sure you get the picture. No work means no income. And even though we've been there-done that- (too many times to count) and even though God has never abandoned us (and has surprised and blessed us in amazing ways) it is still quite wearing on our morale when the season of no work hits.

This morning I was reminded of this bible verse: All who are weary, come unto me and I (Jesus) will give you rest. I was also reminded to not worry about anything, but by prayer and petition presents my requests to God. In doing this I will experience peace. Peace that exceeds understanding.

That sounds awesome. I am more than willing to release my burdens to Jesus. I am totally ready to surrender my worries and take up His peace. And I do. But, I still can't pay my power bill or my mortgage.

I still have faith that God will provide. I never doubt that He has His best planned for us. I believe that there is always something going on behind the scenes --sometimes things I will never see or know about-- that will prove God was at work. I know all this yet... navigating these curves is exhausting. These tough lean times are depressing... and to some extent,demoralizing.

I don't need to be reminded to be thankful. I am thankful. Thankful that because my husband isn't working right now he has plenty of time to soak in the Word each morning. Time to focus on home projects. Time for giving his all to men's ministry at church.

I don't think you ever get used to the stresses that these kind of times bring. I can paste on my smile and practice an 'attitude of gratitude' or 'fake it till I make it'. I can refuse to worry and refuse to be fearful  and instead be faithful and faith-filled but it doesn't change the reality of our situation. There's this funny little practice here in America called paying our monthly bills and those entities get a little cranky when you don't follow through with payment. And even though I know that this work gap won't last forever, I also know that it will take us twice as long to catch up.

I often wonder what it is I am missing. As in, I should be learning something from this experience and obviously I haven't gotten it yet because here I am taking the class over again.

Maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this, since I am sure I am not the only person who is going through a similar situation.

I don't want this to be a negative, whiny self centered post. It does sound like it though. Like I said, I'm just really really weary.

Weary, but still, thankful.

Of Anniversaries and Whatnots

Yep, another year of wedded bliss has passed. 17 years this Saturday for my sweetie and me.Oh, to be sure, we have our ups and downs, our better and worse. (I call it 'intense fellowship") but I wouldn't wanna be with anybody else. If I had to be in a lifeboat watching the ship sink, I can't think of anyone else I'd wanna be in a life boat with than him.

What fun thing are we doing to celebrate this year? We are doing a kind of get away tonight/tomorrow but it's really work related. Our happy place, Tall Timber Ranch, is asking for hubby's expertise on some building repairs at the camp, and because it is almost a 4 hour drive one way, we will head over tonight when he gets home from work, and then in the fresh light of day, he can inspect what needs inspecting, make his recommendations and then we'll come back home. But I think, before we return, we'll have a little time to enjoy the glorious colors of Autumn and breathe in that fresh mountain air. And maybe even visit "our" waterfall.

Our plans for the actual anniversary date are sort of low-key but I know it will be a special, fun filled day. There is a pretty little town across the way that we've longed to explore. We pass through it whenever we head out to the west coastline to visit hubby's brother and I have often wished we could just spend the day taking in the sights and appreciating the beautiful historical buildings of the town. So, that is what we are going to do on Saturday. It involves a ferry ride, which is always fun, and we'll just tool around the town, take lots of pictures, take in a town festival, drink and eats lots of yummy treats and most importantly, spend some quality time with each other. I can't wait!!

Whirlwinds and Roller Coasters

It seems I have been too busy to blog! It's a beautiful summer and much to nice to stay inside most days. But  a quick update is needed and then I will blog deeper at some point.

Highlights from the past week include:
THE ARRIVAL
My sister and her hubs arrived over a week ago and it's been awesome to see them settling in to their cute little apartment and reacquaint themselves with the area. Sister and I are having lots of fun times together including Mom day, day trips and just hanging out. Love, love, love this!

reacting to the 'pantry blessing' we gave as a welcome home gift: a well stocked pantry!

fun with mother dear.

THE JOB
My last day was Saturday and I can say in all honesty, this was one of the few jobs I have walked away from where my heart was sad over it. I truly liked this job and wish my body was 20 years younger and could handle the load. It was an emotional weekend , made more so by...

SAYING GOODBYE
Made the trip to see my (former) mother-in-law and say goodbye. We were there on Saturday afternoon and I believe that she knew I was there....even though she was unresponsive and no longer able to speak (she suffered some strokes in the past week as the cancer continued its war on her body) I sat and held her hand and spoke my heart and then kissed her good bye. She was so very, very close to heaven and it came as no surprise to learn that Sunday evening she flew home to the arms of Jesus.

"Mom" Marta Fuller. Beautiful inside and out. You will be greatly deeply missed....

I am still processing all of the emotions that come from the good and the bad. I am thankful for the support of my sweet man who drove me down to see "mom" and then took me for a long drive up into the mountains to just chill and soak in some awe inspiring views. I will be back soon with more to share....

traveling into God's country.... balm for the soul.

Moving On, Moving Forward

I found this awesome quote the other day by Monique Duval and I just loved it so much I decided to share it... both on my facebook page and here:

She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” in the sky.” 

I feel like this quote describes my life from the moment I stepped into the path of healing and seeking wholeness and learning who I really am, as a woman, as a contributor to society and most importantly as a child of God.

Life is a constant and the only thing we can count on staying the same is change. We have to be ready for it. Change is something many of us really, and I mean, REALLY struggle with but yet is is what keeps life exciting. We do not live static lives. 

I am ready for change. I am nervous, facing another unknown but I have faith that God will guide and protect me. I don't know what will happen or when, just that it is time. I gave my 2 weeks notice at work this week and while I am filled with questions over this choice, (am I doing the right thing? what will happen now?) I know that once I reached the decision, there was a peace that descended that helps balance out those fears. 

It has been so gratifying to hear the responses from my boss and co-workers, expressing sadness over my decision to leave but they also understand that this is something I am choosing to do because I need to take care of myself, not because I am unhappy in my job.

Funny how peace and anxiety can co-exist. For as always, when we choose to move to someplace else in life, there are those moments of questioning and wondering and second guessing ourselves  Even when I have felt 100% sure of a decision and know I will not be looking back, there comes a whisper in the recesses of my mind, checking to see if I have any doubts. I still look back on my days of owning my business and wondering if I bailed to soon or if I could have handled things differently. But then I see this quote and I am filled with delight as the sense of freedom rises in me and makes me indeed want to dance and write a new language!

I am looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be, knowing that the God who holds me in the palm of His hand will continue to guide and protect me, stretch me perhaps, a bit more than I think I can go, but protecting me nonetheless.

He will do the same for you if you let him.

Trust, Try, Talk... The Results

I  wrote the other day that in the wee small hours of the morning, in one of my quiet unguarded moments, God whispered to me, some words that I  have been clinging to and living by. You can read all about that moment here. I want to now share what happens when we live by faith and not by fear.

If you don't want to hop over to read that post I will give you the short version. God told me three things: Trust. Try. Talk.

So, I pondered on this all day Monday and came up with a plan. I figured the least I could do was ask for this, regardless of what I thought would be the reality of the situation. 

Oh, ye of little faith....

On Tues, fortified with prayers, I went over and spoke with my boss. I told him I was released to return to work for July 1st but I did not think I was able sustain a 6 day work week. But I really did not want to quit. I like my job. What about a compromise? What if I shortened my work week? 

He cocked his head, curious, I could tell.  I forged on. 

What about if I just work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, when the volume of mail is the heaviest. And I could work Saturdays. 

I could see his wheels turning so I remained silent, giving him time to think. He finally nodded and said, "We could try this."  

I think my knees buckled slightly because I truly didn't think he'd ever go for this given the way our government entities like to complicate things and a myriad of crazy other reasons, lol.

As we talked a little bit more I sensed he was thinking this is a temporary- ease -my- way back- into- work where as I am thinking this is the way it should be! So I know there will be another discussion somewhere down the road but for now I feel this is a situation I can manage! Hallelujah!  

Why are we so surprised when God answers our prayers like this? Shame on us for our lack of trust. My friend suggested she could hear a little Holy Chuckle going on somewhere however as God delights in giving us the best things possible. 

I find I am using those three words as a mantra right now. Trust. Try. Talk. Good words to put into practise. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3. 5-6

One Week and Ramping Up

I have been back on my anti-depression med's for one week. They started me out at half dose and after one week, we ramp it up to the full dose. So today is the first day of the regular, full dose of the prescription. It's too soon to tell if it's making a difference really. I will say this though; the admitting I needed to go back on them, the sharing of it with trusted family and friends, has been so very positive and affirming, that is has made a significant (good) difference in how I feel regardless of the medication.

I was also able to sit in my chair and drink my morning coffee and am even sitting right now as I write this. This means NO PAIN!! Yes, for almost a week I have been unable to really sit without back spasms sending me to my knees in pain. I have spent more of the last several days laying on my back alternating between heat and ice, ibuprofen and tylenol and even a couple of muscle relaxers thrown in for good measure. My foot is better but still not 100%. I went for a walk yesterday and made one lap around the high school track and it was so good for my back. My foot was another story but I believe we'll get there.

I am supposed to return to work next week. Today I am planning to approach my boss about whether or not I could work even more part time than I was. As in not 6 mornings a week. I don't hold out a lot of hope for this happening but I believe I should ask. God can surprise me!

My back up plan if this fails is to try. This is part of the Trust, Try Talk thing that God told me. I will try returning to work and see how my body and mind and spirit hold up. And in trying, I will do my best and leave the rest up to Him.

Unintentional AWOL

I didn't plan to not blog for a week and a half. I sat down several times to start writing and after staring at the blank page for 30 seconds, I would close the page and limp away. Sometimes my writing muse does that. Goes on vacation and doesn't tell me. And honestly, don't we all ask these questions once in awhile: What new thing can I blog about? What words of inspiration, humor, wisdom or nonsense can I share with others today? And the answer I came up with was as blank as my blog post page.

I have been tired a lot. I mean, a lot tired and a lot of the time. I go to work each morning and stumble around and do my best and come home and sit. And sit. And sit some more. Part of this I blame on physical exhaustion as my job does demand a fair amount of physical responsibility. My brain can slide into neutral a lot of the time as I sort the mail and chat with a co-worker but my arms and hands, my legs, my feet, even my back, take a beating most days. Yet, I enjoy the job, the keeping busy, the people I work with, the pay check. I count myself blessed and lucky in this economy to have this job. But I often find myself asking, how long can I do this?

One of the physical tolls on my body has been pain in my feet, that awesome condition known as plantar fasciitis. But something else was going on and it was getting worse so I finally went to the doctor and it was decided I am probably dealing with a stress fracture in my left foot. The metatarsal to be exact. Top of the foot, the bridge part. I am now sporting a big thick black boot as my newest fashion accessory. I was also told that staying off my foot for the next 4 weeks was going to help it heal. I can't do that. I can't be gone from work for 4 weeks. And I can't do my job in a modified manner (as in sitting down-- it just won't work) I am taking this week off to try and stabilize things. Ice, ibuprofen, elevation, rest... repeat.... and we'll see how next week goes.

My emotional state has also been a little bit blank. I question of any of my tiredness is related to that depressive fog that has threatened me in the past from time to time. But this heart-fog feeling isn't like past times. So I examine a little more closely my spiritual state as that greatly impacts my heart. And I find that the spark I usually feel about Jesus and worship and spending time in the Word has gotten a little.... cold. I don't like that feeling.

I recently downloaded the YouVersion of the bible app on my phone and have been using that for my morning daily devotional time. I recently started a new reading plan called 'Falling in Love with Jesus Again and the scripture focus is Psalm 139. I am only on day 2. The prospect is to let Jesus reveal the parts of my life that need His touch. To invite Him to search me out and reveal what needs changing.

I sense this could be painful yet necessary. I want to get back on track. With my physical abilities, my emotional stabilities and my spiritual willingness. And, yes, back into writing. Inspiration, humor, wisdom, or nonsense. I'll take it.

Work and Worship Recap

Tall Timber Team 2013

Kitchen Duty; food prep, cooking, serving, clean up

Landscaping and ground breaking, raking, trail blazing, weeding and planting

Scrubbing and dusting, mopping and painting

Mowing lawn, spreading beauty bark

Building stuff; stage props, horseshoe pits, RV Camping sites and friendships

Singing round the campfire, S'mores, walking in the rain

Sharing meals, sharing laughter.

Teamwork. 

At it's finest. 

I love Tall Timber. If you are a regular reader here, you know this. 

I loved watching my friends fall in love with Tall Timber this weekend 

and the satisfaction gained from being part of the bigger picture. 

This camp will run smoother and better this summer because of the work done this past weekend. 

This camp will impact so many young lives over the course of it's camping season. 

Kids who will hear about how much Jesus loves them. 

Kids who will make a decision to follow Christ. 

Kids who will grow deeper in their knowledge and understanding of what it means to be a Christ Follower. 

Lives will be changed. 

showing our gritty growly side

flying like eagles

SOME OF THE BEST PEOPLE I KNOW IN ONE OF THE BEST PLACES THERE IS!

THANK YOU SHOUT OUTS TO:

BRYAN, DEWEY, DENNIS, TIM, DON, BRUCE, CHRIS, JOSH, ANGELA

LORI, TREVON, MARY, ROBYN, NADIA, KAREN, NORA, DEBI, MIKE, JULIE

YOU ALL ROCK!!