Six Decades

 Today is my last day of being 59. 

Yup. tomorrow is my birthday and I will officially be SIXTY. 

6 decades. yipes!

6-0.

YIPES. 

Actually since I have been technically living out my 60th year for 364 days now, with tomorrow signifying the completion of my 60th year and the beginning of the next one I can't pretend to be in shock about the number. And as usual I'd rather confess my age than my weight so there's that.

say what????

I am in a reflective mood however. I am thinking back on the past 6 decades and trying to categorize them.

Those first 10 years of life is just learning how to function in the world. Walking, talking, dressing ones self, learning to share, read, write, do math. Growing up on a farm there were chores to do, year round so learning to be responsible goes in the mix.

baby robin just out of the nest

winter time fun!

From 10-20 a lot can happen..... those tumultuous teen years, rebellious and sulky. Learning what can propel you forward and what can set you back. You make a decision and face the consequences good or bad.

grumpy in the morning... nothing's changed....

its too blurry to read but my T shirt says
  "if you don't like my peaches don't shake my tree."
shaking my head...

 I became a mom in my 20's so that 3rd decade from 20-30 was full of all sorts of growing  experiences. I faced many truths in that decade such as parenting is both rewarding and disappointing, and always a challenge. I had to accept that my marriage was a sham. 

pregnant with baby #2 and cuddling my first born

my daughter, baby #2

That made the next decade between 30-40 a time of fighting for my rights, acknowledging many lies and truths and navigating the sometimes hidden path to healing. It also brought something beautiful in my relationship with God, and a man who loves and cherishes me.

the beginning of feeling free

From 40-50 life was pretty sweet. Building new relationships, testing the waters of real adulthood. Finding my voice in an equal as a wife, as a business partner, as a leader in my church. Being a grandma, establishing a new path with my adult children. Overcoming PTSD, but learning to embrace depression and accept limitations. To be sure there have been many MANY bumps along the way. But so much opportunity for growth, forgiveness, healing. 

This last decade has really been about living in faith I think. We went through some real financial hardships, loss of relationships, changes-- big ones-- and I think the focus for me has been on trusting and acceptance. Trusting God to provide our every need. Trusting my husband in his decisions. Trusting others and allowing them to get close to me. Accepting more fully the nagging depression and making peace with it. Figuring out how to strike a balance in life that keeps me on an even keel-- keeps me stable. 

happiness is good but joy is better!

It brings me to today and a celebration of what I have learned, accomplished, conquered!

That shy, insecure, nail biting, bed wetting little girl with the dark circles under her eyes has now become a pretty confident woman if I do say so myself. 

some days I still see her 

And that really brings me to the main thing I feel I have learned over 6 decades of living. 

CONFIDENCE.

It's a journey. We are not typically born with self confidence. But it can be learned. It requires stepping out in faith. doing it afraid regardless of how you feel. Being stretched until it hurts but finding such a reward for doing so. 

choose to shine!

I am comfortable in my own skin. I like myself. I may not be proud of everything I've done and there are still days I let anxiety rule and depression threaten to take me down but it will never take me out. 

happy birthday to me!

 

I'm Conquering Fears!

Left and Right! Bam! Bam! Bam!

In my last post I shared about overcoming a fear of heights to do the zipline. I rode high (no pun intended) on that adventure for weeks! I was just so thrilled to see a correlation between one day God speaking to me about "letting go" and the next actually doing that!

I knew that my fear was more about losing control than it was about heights though.

In July I traveled to Dallas-Fort Worth to attend the annual Premier Designs Rally. It was amazing.... sort of like Women of Faith (conference) meets The Price is Right. For 3 days I listened to inspiring speakers, leaders, teachers, all who said,"yep, we sell jewelry, yep, here's how to grow your business but.... what we are really about is how to Glorify God in all we do!"  WOW. Talk about a spiritual boost! I came away from the Rally on fire and ready to go to the next level in my business.

The last few months have been about testing the waters, and now, here is an intended pun! I tested the waters literally in September at our church camp out. I kayaked!

So, here's another thing about me... although I can swim, I don't like tippy things.... in water. I had a major freak out in a canoe once and decided long ago we just wouldn't do that again. Poor Bruce. He would have loved for us to canoe or kayak but I was not amiable to that! Until that Labor Day Weekend at Silver Lake Park....

Because of the gentle persistence of a couple of very sweet ladies, I caved and found myself in a kayak on Sunday evening.  It was a really wide kayak and I immediately felt pretty safe and comfortable on the water! It was amazing. We paddled across the lake and talked and laughed. It was fun! (Wish I had a picture or two from that because it would have been fun to see my face-- Bruce's face was one of astonishment watching me actually do this!)

As I said before, Fear is really more about not having control over things than it is about the actual things. I'm watching this play out in my mom's life up close. She has been in Assisted Living for the past 4 years and the last several months have seen her declining more and needing more and more help. More than assisted living is designed for. So we've begun the search for a skilled nursing facility in which to move her to.

Her mood is dark these days. She strikes out verbally and speaks of just wishing she was "dead already." She's weak and frail and needs help with just about everything. Her body is wearing out. She's depressed and angry and cantankerous but I think most of it stems from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of  having to trust others to do for her what she's done on her own for so long. Fear of dying even though she knows the Lord and knows she's going to heaven.

Its hard to watch. It's sad. When my dad passed away, over 11 years ago, it was cardiac arrest. One minute he was alive, then next he was gone. No warning. Just that horrible phone call the next morning telling us he had passed. As shocking as that news was/is, it's how I hope I go. I'd rather live fully until that last day rather than linger, sick and weak and needy. But only God knows what or how. I have to trust Him.

I've heard it said that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. That makes sense.
So often we just fear the unknown.
We're scared of the dark because we don't know what's out there.
We're scared of heights and canoes because its unpredictable!
Will we fall?

 And we are afraid of stepping out because,

what if we fail??

But Oh! 
What if we fly?


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1.9

And Then I Climbed a Tree

Not just any tree! But a really really tall skinny tree! I scaled this tree about 40 feet up to a tiny little platform that was barely big enough for one person, let alone two! I then allowed myself to be hooked up to a device that would send me sailing through the air,suspended above the ground,  for a 1000+ feet ride, where I was 'caught' by a couple of trained individuals. 

Yep. I did the Zipline.

Memorial Weekend 2017. One week after my retreat and my experience with the duck, you know where God basically told me to quit working so hard to tread water in order to stay safe, and let go a little bit, trust Him more and let me see where the Holy Spirit would take me. We were at one of our favorite places on earth, our beloved Tall Timber Ranch for the Work n' Worship Weekend.  Climbing the rock wall had been offered one evening, the next night, the zipline.

Let me state for the record a few things.
1. I am afraid of heights. I'll say that again, I AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS. As in I DON'T DO THEM.  Ladders, rooftops, and the like, are not my friends. No, huh-uh, never. 
2. I have been visiting Tall Timber for over 20 years. I have had plenty of opportunities to experience the Zipline. Never. Have. I. Ever. No desire, no need. 
3. Did I mention I don't do heights?

But, something came over me that evening at dinner when table mates were talking about doing the zip-line later. Without any warning I said, 'Maybe I'll do that too..." 

And Suddenly.... it became imperative that I do it! I have no way to explain it, other than a Holy Phenomenon.  It was like it was this bucket list item that I HAD to check off my list! 

Bruce scoffed when I announced I was going to do the zip-line. He said he'd believe it when he saw it. I said he better hurry up then because if I was going to do it, I'd do it before I came to my senses!

My little friend Lizzy was certainly brave!

On a dry dusty hill, below the incredibly tall skinny tree, a crowd had gathered. Some were putting on harnesses and helmets. Others were there to gawk or cheer or both. I got into my harness with the aid of my step-son. Joey has worked on staff and Tall Timber, and has a degree in Recreation. He wasn't assisting in the actual zip-line activity but he was certainly a calming and encouraging factor as he tightened and adjusted my gear. I observed several others go ahead of me and watched carefully. Curiously I realized I wasn't really fearful of the actual zip-line ride itself. I thought that would probably be quite a rush and very fun! It was getting to the platform to take off from that was the challenge. 

You see, not only was the platform from which to launch, 40 some feet above ground, but the process for climbing the tree was precarious! Into the bark of the tree trunk were hammered small hooks for which to place hands and feet. You're not just climbing, you are sort of pulling yourself from hook to hook. Now, not only did I have to conquer my fear of heights. but I had to use arm and leg strength I wasn't sure I had. (especially my arms-- those darn shoulders). I had to trust completely in the harness and gear and the guy at the other end of my rope, belaying me. 

It was a stretch, literally, that climb. Those hooks would be easy for someone really tall but for 5'3 me, I was almost not able to reach hooks above me. But I climbed. I climbed FAST. I think I just wanted to get that part over with!

 By the time I reached the top and was preparing to step off the hooks onto the platform where Nic was waiting to instruct me, I knew what it meant to be 'scared spit-less" I mean it. I had NO SPIT! My mouth was drier than cotton and I wished desperately for a glass of water (or whiskey!!!) 


When I was situated on the platform Nic instructed me to squat a little and feel the support of the harness. Once I did that and realized how firmly suspended I was I actually relaxed a little! Nic said "Whenever you're ready, just lift your feet and you'll go!"

I nodded and lifted my feet. and........




WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!! 

I DID IT! I DID THE ZIPLINE!!

to RECAP: I climbed a tree 40 feet up. I zipped 1000 feet across the clearing to the landing. I had to deal with fear of heights, and use body strength I wasn't sure I had. I had to trust completely in the harness and gear. How like our walk with Christ! We have to trust Him to hold us and support us in those testing and defining moments.

Jesus is my carbeaner

Life Lessons from a Duck

and I'm Quacking about it!


In May of this year I attended a retreat with some of my Premier Designs Sisters. There were about twenty of us spending a long weekend in a gorgeous lodge right on the Wenatchee River in Leavenworth WA.

The purpose of the retreat was to learn and grow, encourage and celebrate our lives as "jewelry ladies". I had never met any of the gals except for my niece Jill, who is also the one who sponsored me in the business. I was a little apprehensive about attending because of the size and not knowing the ladies or what to really expect. But, I sucked it up and went! I am SO GLAD I did.

 I arrived on a Friday afternoon and immediately reveled in the gorgeous view from the deck as others were prepping dinner. When we weren't sitting in a session we took advantage of the warm spring weather and just enjoyed the view and surrounding area.

Spending some time with my niece was great; she lives in Texas so we can't get together very often!

On Sunday morning we gathered for one final session which was much more like a Worship time than a class. As the end of the time we were challenged to do some writing or list/ goal making. My thoughts wandered instead as I gazed out the large floor to ceiling windows at the river down below us.

The Wenatchee River is popular for river rafters this time of the year and indeed we watched many a group raft past us that weekend. But what caught my eye that morning was a couple of ducks on the opposite side of the river. One duck was perched on the top of a boulder jutting out of a section of rapids. Next to the boulder was another duck, bobbing up and down in the white water. It struck me after a time that that little duck had to work awfully hard to stay in place while bobbing in rapids!

I found myself asking "Is there a life lesson in this Lord? Something you want me to learn from observing this?" My eyes flitted back and forth to the duck on the rock to the duck in the rapids. The logical thought was that the rapids are a dangerous place to be and anyone with common sense would get out and rest on the rock. Was the rock a spiritual metaphor? God, our Rock? But just as quickly as that idea came to mind I discarded it because I sensed that was a Robyn-made thought, not a word from the Lord. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to listen to the gals around me sharing some of their thoughts.

Later, after we had packed up our belongings and cleaned up our spaces, I wandered back out on the deck for one final look at the river. I am constantly drawn in by water. Whether it's a moving body of water such as river or ocean or a calmer body of water such as a lake, I find such peace and contentment and inspiration being around it. (give me a beach house anyday!)

To my amusement I saw my friend the bobbing duck still out there. I could only imagine how furiously his little webbed feet must be working to remain stationary in the midst of such tumultuous movement.  And just like that the Holy Spirit spoke:
Robyn, I am the River. Stop fighting the current and let me carry you. Trust me. Yes, the river is moving, moving fast. And it will be scary, and dangerous at times. But if you will trust me I will carry you to places you never imagined. You will see beauty you will never see if you just stay put.

Did you just get goosebumps? I did when it happened and they come over me every time I share this story. I went inside and grabbed my niece and pulled her outside to point out the duck and share with her the thoughts that I had had earlier and the one that had just pierced me. It was a strong emotional moment and one I chewed and mediated on during my 4 hour drive home.

It takes a lot of work to stay put, even when it feels like that is the safer, better place to be. But God never promised to keep us comfortable. He's much more interested in our Character than our comfort.

Riding the river does sound dangerous! I've been river rafting on the same Wenatchee River. I was scared but we had an excellent guide and by the time we reached our destination I was wet and exhausted but the exhilaration I was feeling was out of this world! It was and is still one of my favorite adventures. I could have stayed behind (and I almost did once I'd read through the release forms and listened to the safety talk!!) and staying behind would have been safe and smart But I would have missed out. Safe and smart isn't all there is to life. In the life of a Christian we are always being called out of the comfort/safe zone. Makes me think of the quote from The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe...

“Aslan is a lion- the Lion, the great Lion." "Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Answered Prayer; A Healing Touch

"God is seldom early, but He is never late" ~

 Terry "Mateo" Mattson

I believe in the power of prayer. I am never reluctant to ask someone to pray for me when I am in need, nor am I likely to withhold a prayer for someone else who needs it.  This morning was one of those times where the need for healing prayer was my desperate request.

 I was singing on the Worship Team at our church this morning and in the middle of rehearsal something awful happened. I couldn't open my mouth all the way without experiencing shooting pain through my jaw! Now, it's a little hard to sing if you can't open your mouth, and I'm not trying to be funny. Some notes require a more mouth action than others and as I continued singing along, I found my jaw stubbornly and painfully refusing to cooperate. This was not good! 

I have had TMJ (temporomandibular joint disorder) episodes a few times over the years but is has been a long time since it's caused my jaw to lock or refuse to open wider than needed. When rehearsal was done, several of us gathered, as we do every Sunday morning before service, to pray. I made my plea for prayer for myself and explained the reason. My church family quickly gathered around me and prayed specifically for a healing touch, in order that I could sing.  

I didn't feel anything in that moment, nothing to indicate to me that healing had occurred. In fact the pain was still present and my jaw still stubbornly refusing to cooperate. But I was confident. I believed that God could and would take care of this for me. I really felt like I could handle this little painful episode; I just wanted to be able to open my mouth during singing in order to really make the joyful noise I'd been recruited for!  

Our leader for our Worship Team asked me if I was going to be okay and I nodded emphatically and told her I believed God would give me the ability to do what I needed to do, just when I needed it. 

Guess what? HE DID. 

We went into our worship set and I was able to open my mouth, to sing from my heart and there was no pain in my jaw. It cooperated beautifully. 

When we finished singing and I went to find my seat, I experimented a little by forcing some "yawn" action. OOooOh! Pain! And a limited amount of movement. Just as it had happened during rehearsal. 

I was actually somewhat amused that the pain and lack of mobility had departed just long enough to do what had been asked of me that morning. I mean, we did pray specifically for me to be able to sing and sing well and without pain! At the end of the service when we went back up for one last song I grabbed my mic with confidence that I would once again be able to do my part. 

Yep. No problem. 

After church we had potluck and I found it difficult to eat as once again the jaw was being stiff. but I was happy to report to those who had prayed for me that our prayers had been answered! 

As the day went on I did find the pain slowly subsiding and the ability to open my jaw returning.

In my lifetime I have witnessed and experienced God working in our lives.I have learned that He can do things in an instance and He can do things over a period of time. I don't understand it, but I believe that His timing is perfect and there is a reason only He knows as to why things happen the way they do. I don't understand it but I guess that's not my job. My job is to trust.  

(p.s. as an added bonus, this healing prayer episode seems to have also served as a breakthrough in a case of writer's block that's been plaguing me for a few weeks. So, Yay God!! Thank you!!)

gas fumes and bread crumbs

On Monday next, Bruce begins his new job! (and everybody gave a loud cheer!!) 

for the past 30 days he's been working for our church in an interim position and it's been a blessing in many ways. Starting Monday, the tool belt gets hung up until the weekend. He'll be working in contractor sales-- working on the other side of the desk. It's going to be different. It's going to be a challenge. It's going to be interesting... its going to be great! 

I said awhile back that I was longing for some financial stability in our lives. Self employment is wonderful even as it is stressful, because of the independence it offers but our economy has not been kind to the small business owner in the past several years. You've heard my woes over these past many many months about how hard it's been to scratch out a living. We are so very thankful for the way God has provided for us both in the lean times and the plenty. 

Despite the steady pay checks coming, it's going to take some time for us to climb out of the hole we've slipped into. It only takes a few weeks of no income to send you down into that pit but it often takes 2-3 times longer to climb back out. 

There have been days when life has felt so overwhelmingly difficult. Unpaid bills, creditors calling to demand what is rightfully theirs to demand, getting by on gas fumes and bread crumbs, physical challenges and emotional stress adding to the already fragile morale.... those are the days I need these reminders:
i am not alone. 
God has not forgotten or forsaken me. 
he gives strength to the weary.
he gives hope to the hopeless.
he offers a yoke that is easy, a burden that is light.
he offers a future filled with hope.
he sends me reminders and it gives me the courage and strength i need to face one more day. 

Learning to trust in Him regardless of my circumstances, remembering that trust is a choice, remembering that my source of security and stability is never in a job or a paycheck or any circumstance of life, but in Him and Him alone; that is what allows me to rise up on wings like eagles, to walk and not grow weary, to run and not faint. 

REWIND??

Back in 1986 I watched a fantasy/comedy movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married"  In the movie, a woman named Peggy Sue attends her 25- year high school reunion. She's recently separated from her (cheating) husband Charlie. She regrets some of the decisions she made in her life-- such as marrying Charlie. When she faints at the reunion and wakes up in 1960-- back in high school, she's suddenly given the chance to live her life again. She sets out to change things... only... some choices are more complicated... her relationship with Charlie being just one of them.

I suppose all of us at one time or another has wondered if we had the chance do our lives over again, if we wouldn't do some things differently. I know I have.  If I woke up to find myself back in high school I want to think I'd make much wiser decisions, knowing then what I know now. However, who I am today is based on the experiences I have had. So, if I had a rewind button on my life, while I might be tempted to push it  I think it would be to revisit the highlights of my life, just for the pleasure of reliving those moments...

family hikes...
camping...
the birth of my children...
the falling in love experience with my sweetie....
vacations that brought much  happiness....
meeting my grandchildren for the first time...

But perhaps the one thing I would truly love to re-experience are the mountain top highs in my relationship with Jesus. 

I've been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I was raised in the faith, having attended church my whole life and except for some teen-age rebellious years, have pretty much tried to walk the talk. It wasn't until I was in my 30's however that I realized that what I'd been calling my "Christian Life" wasn't exactly the full life that God had planned for me. I'd been living life according to Robyn, making decisions based on what I thought was best for me, not on seeking out what was God's best for me. 

The day I came face to face with this truth was the day my relationship with Jesus got real. I realized that a lot of what I had been doing was based on religion: going through the motions of bible reading, attending church, praying and signing up for lots of 'do-good' activities. When I caught a glimpse of just how much Jesus loved me and how much He wanted a real relationship with me, that's when things began to change. For the better.

Since then, it's been a process, a journey, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but an exciting adventure with laughter, tears, sorrows and joys. And while I wouldn't trade that for anything, there are times I realize I've been coasting, sort of taking my Christian life for granted. I start getting a little lukewarm about things... the passion cools, the mind wanders, and then I find I've drifted into a dry and weary desert... again.

I really don't like when this happens. That's when I wish I  could push a rewind button and go back to the times where I felt the Holy Spirit powerfully at work within me. This last time of desert dryness I finally reached a point of such frustration that I did something either incredible brave or incredible stupid. I asked the Lord to ignite in me a Holy Passion for the things He wants me to go after.

I prayed that prayer and then sat back in fear and trepidation wondering what would happen next. It's been a few weeks since I prayed that prayer-- and I've even repeated it a time or two. It's been a slow, tender unfolding but change is happening. I feel like I am coming out of a long winter's nap and as I stretch and yawn and look around, I feel like a little branch on a tree, it's delicate shoot gently unfurling a little more each day.

God knows me so well and while in someone else's life He might bring change swift and powerfully, He knows me and He knows my circumstances. He knows at what speed I need to travel --when to go fast, when to go slow. But each day I have felt the passion re-igniting. Yes, it's slow but it's enough. And I am aware that the rewind button isn't necessary. It's a brand new movie and while occasionally I might catch a peek of the trailer, it's with my best interest in mind that God reveals things to me in just the right measure, at just the right speed, at just the right time.

Praise  God!

When No Becomes Yes

If you read my post on  Divine Appointments and then the follow up Handling Disappointments, about the whole job opportunity for my sweetie that didn't come to pass, this may be of special interest to you.

When the "divine appointment" happened, we clearly could see it was a God-orchestrated thing. And then, after the interview, when they called and said "sorry, but not at this time", we trusted there was still a lesson in all of it and we'd just roll with it.

Then, last week a couple of things happened.

First, a little out of the blue, Bruce was offered a part time-short term position with our church helping assess a maintenance position that needed to be filled. He thought that sounded rather interesting and said sure, why not.

On the heels of this, another call came in and.... yep, the job that didn't happen was now calling back asking was he still interested? (Apparently, the first person they offered the position to, didn't work out.) Short story is, he will start working full time for the building supply company in March!

(Insert insanely happy dancing and yippy-ki-yaying here)

Our take on this is that given the way the job came to his attention in the first place (with a little bit of shock) and considering the internal struggle he has wrestled with,(is this really what I want to do?)  God was just giving him more time to think on it. And to flex that ol' trust muscle a little more. The interim position with our church is also an interesting piece of the pie and I am sure the next 30 days will prove to be greatly beneficial in ways we are yet to discover.

It humbles me and scares me at the same time. One thing I am learning over and over again is that when we choose to be Christ followers, we allow God to be in control. The journey with God is best enjoyed when we let Him choose the vehicle that will transport us from one adventure to the next. The best thing I can do is get in, buckle up and let God drive. When I let God have His way with me, I experience that Peace that Passes Understanding, for which there is no comparison.

This new job for Bruce is going to be an adventure for sure. Thirty-some years ago, God led him into construction, kicking and screaming, and then he discovered how well suited he was for it. We're trusting that God's leading into a different realm of the construction world is just as big a part of God's plan for our lives as it always has been.

Imagine That!

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you." 

Isaiah 26.3

Having peace of mind in troubled times can often feel unobtainable. I don't know about you but when I'm worried or anxious, my imagination can run wild. I start thinking of all the things that can go wrong, and it just mushrooms from there. Peace feels like a fuzzy concept. I desperately want it but it seems just out of reach.

The bible tells me that the only way to have peace is to 'fix my mind' on God. I recently learned that the word 'mind' in the Isaiah passage does not refer to the mind as in logical, rational. problem solving but it's the word for 'imagination'. It's our imaginations that can cause us to lose our peace.  I'm learning that the only way to fix my mind on God is to grab hold of my (run away) imagination and bring it to Him.

There's a great lesson is the quote "Don't believe everything you think."  There's been a lot of "junk food" my mind has been fed over the years. Junk food like "you're worthless" or "God doesn't care about your needs." As a result, I can't be trusted to tell myself the truth all the time. It's not enough to just erase the old tapes; I need to replace those thoughts with something else.

When I let my mind have control I will copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but when I let God have control, He will transform me into a new person by changing the way I think. (Romans 12.2)

2 Corinthians 10.5 tells us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have an imagination given through God's design but instead of using it for negative scenarios, why not instead imagine all the great and marvelous works my God is capable of? Instead of imaging all the bad things that can happen, I can concentrate on all of His marvelous works, provisions and His Sovereign Grace. I'm choosing today to let God shape my imagination.


Now Glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more that we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayer, desires, thoughts or hopes. May He be given glory forever. Ephesians 3.20-21

On Handling Disappointments

The big word is always TRUST. 

We all know one of life's Big Questions is "where is God when bad things happen", or some variation of that. One of the things that has been pressing close to my heart this past week is from Romans 8.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (Romans 8. 35 NLT)

What I hear in this passage is that regardless of my circumstances, I am still God's beloved child (I John 3.2) and I will never be snatched out of His hand. (John 10.28) Unless I willingly choose to step out of His protection in pursuit of my own selfish pleasures of this world, unless I am turning my back on God's will for my life, I am and will be, forever firmly planted in His care. 

It's been difficult to understand this long stretch of financial challenges Bruce and I have been traveling. If Life is a Road then there have been times when it feels like ours looks like this:

The hills and the valleys both bring challenges, the hairpin curves feel threatening, fog and rain make it difficult to navigate. There's been flat tires, engine failures and empty gas tanks. We've had to get out and push the car up the hill some days. (I'm speaking metaphorically, you understand) And it's been difficult to comprehend because it's not like we drive a clunker. In other words.... we are persistent in trying to follow what we believe is God's will. 

What it comes down to in this life is this: Trust. It's so crucial isn't it? I have to trust other people in order to build real relationships with them. I have to trust that things we set out to do will yield positive results. And I have to trust that God's Word is true. Trusting that God has the best plan for my life. Trusting that whatever life brings, nothing can snatch me out of His hand.

This week we got the news about the job Bruce applied for. The answer was a disappointing no. I thought I would be crushed by this, based on how badly I was rooting for it. The funny thing is, I did feel sad and disappointed and yet ...not without hope. While my first thought was "noooooooo!!!", my second thought was "God has something else in mind." 

There have been times I have wondered if we were somehow being punished for something we did--which I could accept being in dire straights if we were operating under illegal or immoral principles. I'd get it if we were lazy people who didn't want to work. But the God I know doesn't operate that way for people who follow Him. I don't follow the 'name it and claim it' theology but I do believe God wants to bless us. I am learning however that sometimes His blessings come in very different packages. 

I have to trust that what we are living is all part of God's plan for our lives. That even when I can't see what the purpose of the moment is, there is a higher purpose. Whether it is to teach us or someone else a lesson, to develop something in our character that still needs refining, or to build up something in us that no one can tear down, I need to trust God.

I must choose to trust God. Because any other option will break me. 

  

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8. 38-39 NLT)

while I'm waiting

Well, the week came to an end without any definitive word about the job. Patience is a virtue, right? (she says tapping her fingers impatiently) But, God is doing something in this time, of that I am sure. So, no worries...

The song that keeps coming to me is  "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. A sample from the lyrics are:

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
Yes, I will wait.

Divine Appointments

I wasn't going to write about this until I knew what the outcome was going to be. I was convicted however, by the reminder that no matter how this turns out, it's still God who is in control. God, who knows what's best.

Last week as I perused the classifieds a job posting caught my eye. I mentioned it to Bruce as a possibility for him. He was intrigued enough for me to send him the listing to examine for himself. While the job was definitely within his realm of interest and skill set, he was a little iffy about pursuing it as it would take him out of active home building and design, something he still really loves to do. Still, a job is a job and with our roller coaster economic situation all opportunities need to be explored and considered.

A couple of days later he had business to attend to at the place that was advertising for help. As he parked his truck he decided, for various reasons, to not ask about the job. He tends to be a bit of a "fleece thrower" and he just wasn't sure this position was a direction God was taking him. As he stood in the parking lot one of the guys who works there, a guy who Bruce deals with almost exclusively for all his material orders for construction jobs, came out to greet him. This wasn't strange really, but still, a little unusual. J. told Bruce he had a couple of things he wanted to Bruce to know. First, he told Bruce, he was retiring. (Ah, the reason for the job opening) That made Bruce a little sad as he really trusts J. and enjoys doing business with him. The second thing, J. pressed on, was he had already given his boss Bruce's name as a candidate to replace him. 

You can imagine the shock that rippled through Bruce at that moment but he maintained composure and a lengthy conversation ensued. This was followed by a chat with the manager of the store. While nothing was settled by these discussions, Bruce left there with his head spinning slightly. He certainly recognized this was not a coincidence by any means. In fact he knew this could only be a God-orchestrated moment and he felt obliged to follow through on this as far as he could.

You can probably also imagine the reaction he got from me when he got home and shared all of this with me. While I TRIED to maintain a neutral expression and refrain from telling him what to do, my body language CLEARLY told him anyway. We had quite a conversation about the possibilities and what to do next. Then, putting it into prayer and the Lord's hands, we tabled it.

The next morning he was called and invited to come in for an interview. On Monday he had the interview. It went well but he had no real sense of what they might be thinking. There were of course, several other applicants to meet with. But we should hear something by the end of this week. Until then, while I am anxious for a decision, I am also watching Bruce wrestle with this:  What is God calling me to do? Is He calling me out of construction after clearly leading me into it 30 some years ago? If I don't get the job what should the take away be from the way this opportunity was crafted?
Other questions like: am I ready to walk away from home building and instead be supplying materials to other home builders? I've been looking for work but the opportunities are slim. My body can't keep up with the physical demands of construction; I need to be using my administrative and managerial skills and let the younger guys do the physical stuff.  

And so on. It's not easy when you've been self employed for over 30 years to lay that down in exchange for being an employee. Even when that means steady income and somewhat less stress.

Sigh. I'm watching and praying.

Experiencing the Divine Appointment of last week has reminded me just how much God is involved in the minute moments of our lives. That verse about knowing the numbers of hairs on our head and if He cares about the sparrow, how much more He cares about us?* It's true and this was driven home so clearly for me this past week. I am having my own wrestling match with my thoughts that range from how clearly this IS a God- moment and how I believe that Bruce will get the job and life will settle down and be somewhat calmer, to preparing myself for him to not get the job-- or worse, he's offered the job and feels led to say no-- in which case I have a friend lined up to help me hide the body--(JUST KIDDING)  but through it all, remembering that God knows the plans for us... plans for good and not to harm us, plans to give us a future and a hope.**

Knowing, and believing, WHO is really in control, is keeping me sane.

* Matthew 10.29-30
** Jeremiah 29.11

Like Loaves and Fishes

Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. He also divided the fish for everyone to share. Mark 6.41

Despite the leanness of the last few months, where work has been scarce or spread too far apart, we have survived.

 Once again, our Faithful, Loving, Miracle Working God has carried us through. 

As I sat at the desk the other day balancing the checkbook and going over the bills, I sat back in grateful amazement as the truth of our situation sunk in. We had made it through another month. 

From September till about 3 weeks ago, there has not been a 40 hour work week for Bruce. I am not even sure there has been a 30 or a 20 hour work week! Instead, the work has come in spurts, a day here, two days there... which is often the case in the winter months but some winters seem leaner than others and harder to bear. 

Yet, somehow, in God's wonder-working ways, we have made it through. He has taken what little we had and multiplied it in a way only God can do. Like a basket with just some fish and loaves of bread, He has increased it to make it be enough. 

I am constantly amazed at the way God works and yet, in that crazy mixed up way that often contradicts my faith, I can so easily forget His faithfulness and let fear rule. I chide myself for being so flaky in times like these. I know God is for me, I know His plan for me is good, so why do I allow anxiety and worry to prevail?

 I'm human, that's why and maybe the only way I will remember God's provision is to experience the desperate need for it. 

Shaking Like A Leaf

I've been struggling.  I've never claimed to have it all together but it's often disappointing to be in this place again.

Depression has been sucking everything out of me. I'm sure it's partly related to the stress of our financial situation, with some physical issues added. The time change that brings darkness sooner isn't helping any. Then to top it off, when I try to pray, I've got nothing. No words. It's babble or it's stuttering but its mostly just dead space where words should be. All this combined has resulted in a great big dish of frustration, sadness, pain, anxiety,and desperation. I have felt crippled and blinded.

I have felt like a little leaf trembling in the wind.

Like a little leaf balanced precariously on a tight rope.


Then, this morning I read Lori Roeleveld's blog post and it was as if it was written just for me. She talks about the emptiness she was experiencing. How her prayers sounded like "blah, blah, blah." She said it was because while her mouth was uttering words her heart was empty. As she struggled with this realization she heard Jesus say "Bring that to me. Bring me your emptiness"

Wait. What? God told her to bring Him the emptiness? Aren't we suppose to bring Him an offering of praise? Yet.... He said bring it and then He would fill it.

Her post resonated with me. I'm learning that whatever we bring, be it praise, adoration, requests, anger, pain, sorrow... or a great big pile of nothingness, He welcomes it.

Hebrews 4.16 says: Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Wow.

He welcomes it... and then, transforms it. By His Grace, His Love, His Mercy He takes what ever we have, even the nothing to offer, and turns it into something of wonder.

It might not change the condition of my checking account or lessen the physical pain. It doesn't' always remove the depression and sometimes it doesn't even improve my prayers of dry empty phrases. But it comforts me to know that even in the darkest of times, God is with me. He never abandons me. I may never fully know or understand why He can't just rescue me out of my worst times. Sometimes He does, but often He doesn't. However...He does sit with me in my darkness. He does walk with me through the fire. He swims beside me in the deep waters.

Knowing that gives me the courage and strength to hang on for one more day. Knowing this allows me to rest in His presence.

Seeing that little leaf perched there on that wire the other day made me think of the song Hold Me Jesus by the late Rich Mullins. One line in particular jumped out at me so I had to revisit the lyrics. It seems to capture where my parched and weary soul is these days. It goes:  "So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?" 

I may be perched precariously and trembling but I know, and I trust, God's got me.