Shaking Like A Leaf

I've been struggling.  I've never claimed to have it all together but it's often disappointing to be in this place again.

Depression has been sucking everything out of me. I'm sure it's partly related to the stress of our financial situation, with some physical issues added. The time change that brings darkness sooner isn't helping any. Then to top it off, when I try to pray, I've got nothing. No words. It's babble or it's stuttering but its mostly just dead space where words should be. All this combined has resulted in a great big dish of frustration, sadness, pain, anxiety,and desperation. I have felt crippled and blinded.

I have felt like a little leaf trembling in the wind.

Like a little leaf balanced precariously on a tight rope.


Then, this morning I read Lori Roeleveld's blog post and it was as if it was written just for me. She talks about the emptiness she was experiencing. How her prayers sounded like "blah, blah, blah." She said it was because while her mouth was uttering words her heart was empty. As she struggled with this realization she heard Jesus say "Bring that to me. Bring me your emptiness"

Wait. What? God told her to bring Him the emptiness? Aren't we suppose to bring Him an offering of praise? Yet.... He said bring it and then He would fill it.

Her post resonated with me. I'm learning that whatever we bring, be it praise, adoration, requests, anger, pain, sorrow... or a great big pile of nothingness, He welcomes it.

Hebrews 4.16 says: Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Wow.

He welcomes it... and then, transforms it. By His Grace, His Love, His Mercy He takes what ever we have, even the nothing to offer, and turns it into something of wonder.

It might not change the condition of my checking account or lessen the physical pain. It doesn't' always remove the depression and sometimes it doesn't even improve my prayers of dry empty phrases. But it comforts me to know that even in the darkest of times, God is with me. He never abandons me. I may never fully know or understand why He can't just rescue me out of my worst times. Sometimes He does, but often He doesn't. However...He does sit with me in my darkness. He does walk with me through the fire. He swims beside me in the deep waters.

Knowing that gives me the courage and strength to hang on for one more day. Knowing this allows me to rest in His presence.

Seeing that little leaf perched there on that wire the other day made me think of the song Hold Me Jesus by the late Rich Mullins. One line in particular jumped out at me so I had to revisit the lyrics. It seems to capture where my parched and weary soul is these days. It goes:  "So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?" 

I may be perched precariously and trembling but I know, and I trust, God's got me.

When We Shift Our Focus

practicing an attitude of gratitude in a world of practiced self-entitlement

if a person were to be consistent in spending time praising God, how would that affect the way that person looks at problems 

she is facing? 

When I cannot see the forest for the trees, when the road I'm walking is so foggy I can't see more than one step at a time, when life circumstances knock me to my knees, I want to lift my eyes to the hills, and ask, from where does my help come from? And answer with certainty and resolute hope, "My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth!"

This past week has had the usual challenges and trials. Trying to pay bills from last month with this months paycheck, stretching that mighty dollar once again. Watching the gas gauge flicker on empty and still coaxing one more trip into town. Talking with Mom about the impending move. Working. Feeding my family and keeping up with the house keeping. Nursing my hubby who is once again being pulled under by a nasty head cold. Feeling the distance and separation in stronger waves as I learn my son-in-law has broken his foot and knowing the hardship this puts on their family. Feeling tired. Stressed. Near burn out. Fighting tears and cranky spells (and losing) I have found something that works better than sleep, better than chocolate and better than retail therapy. 

What is IT????

PRAISING GOD. 

I crank UP the praise music. 

I dig out my bible and read from the Psalms >ALOUD<  

I LOOK, really look at creation and all the glorious splendor our loving and mighty God gave us to enjoy. 

And I am instantly transported to a place of peace, joy and hope. I gain strength in a way that I cannot truly describe. I feel hope in the face of despair. I start praising God and thanking Him for all I DO have. It turns everything around. 

I see things in a fresh new perspective. Those bills I was worried about have all gotten a portion of our paychecks. We slid through another month with the power and phone intact. Those numerous trips to town yielded great results and good gas mileage! Mom took the news about moving with grace. I am thankful for my job and getting up early every morning is good discipline and I have time  carved out for reading my bible. The life group bible study my husband and I are leading is encouraging us to have weekly dates and pray together. We have cold medicine stashed in the cupboard and a weekend for him to sleep, rest and recuperate. We have skype to stay connected with family and friends far away. We have stress-busting worship time with our church family and smiles and hugs from them also. 

I am blessed. 

I am so very very blessed. 

I am grateful. I am thankful. I am satisfied. 

I have joy. 

I lift my eyes to the hills.Where does my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth! 

Psalm 121.

Racing the Clock

One of my favorite quotes comes from a dear dear friend of ours. I may have shared it before but it is apropos today. "God is seldom early but He's never late."


Yesterday afternoon around 2:45 my husband called me and shared the good wonderful AMAZING MIND BOGGLING news that some friends had decided to pool their resources and loan us the money needed to prevent the foreclosure proceedings from going into effect. However the clock was ticking and would require some fast action on my part since hubby was trapped in the field working. 


After a race to the bank to establish the exact amount and process required for payment, the countdown was on!! We are west coast and we had to act on east coast time since this was where the money needed to. We had to have cash. We had to wire it. And it had to be 'there' before 10 am EST Thursday. (we learned the foreclosure date was actually scheduled for today, not yesterday as previously thought) 


After numerous phone calls back and forth between hubby and the friends and myself, I met one of the friends later that evening and let the tears flow as the check was placed in my hand. I couldn't let them fall for too long as I needed to see to drive to the bank and cash this!!  Thankfully our bank's drive up window was open till 7pm. Then it was scurry over to the nearest Western Union. Slam dunk. 

right?


No. Something was missing in my information regarding a 'code city' for where to wire the money and by now the bank who has the loan, was closed and there was no one who could tell me what this missing information was!!! Aaaaaaaghhhh!!!


Operating on FUMES (both in my car tank and my tummy, to say NOTHING of what the constant racing and adrenaline pumping had done to my sweat glands!!!!) I drove home to where Bruce was waiting for me. We could do nothing but wait till this morning to make more calls and learn more. At 5 am this morning I was up and calling the east coast bank and learning what I could. By 6:30am we were at the door of the nearest Western Union-- our local grocery store down the street-- which I never realized has this service till I was google-ing every thing I could last night in a vain attempt to learn code cities!!


The money was successfully wired before 8 am our time and then Bruce and I sat in the car and made the call to the bank (transfer to so and so and transferred to such and such and can you hold please?)  to give them the verification number to prove we'd wired the money so they would stop the process of foreclosure. Talk about more adrenaline rushes!!


The phrase 'roller coaster of emotions' probably gets used way too much but it captures the essence of the last 24 hours. From feeling despair in the morning, and trying to  hang on with hope that God's plan was still good no matter what it looked like from our perspective, to learning of the plan our friends were putting into effect to help us, to be affirmed by this selfless action of love, trust, and support, the race to make it all happen in time, the near misses and frustrating set backs, and finally, the whoosh when the basket sailed into the net, and cleared. 


I'm exhausted and it's only 8:30 in the morning!!

Facebook can make me insane sometimes, with some of the petty postings, verbal attacks and political or religious uses, but most of the time I find blessings in what my friends share.  This is what my dear dear sweet friend, Melody Mae wrote on my facebook wall yesterday and it is as fitting as the quote with which I started this post:

The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. Psalm 145:15-16

Yes, Lord in just the proper time, you opened your hands, using your humble servants here on earth, to supply what we need, just as we need it. 


Yesterday was a living breathing example of the 'church in action'.  Words fail me in trying to express my thanks to these dear people. All I can do is offer once again the simple 'thank you' which feels so inadequate yet it is all I can say. Once again, God used His Church to care for us. All glory and praise to God!

SO blown away by these actions and displays of love and faith in us. This is Grace. Pure Grace. 

Jesus Loves Even Me

I woke up this morning with a cherished song from my childhood rising up from where it was tucked, in the memories of my heart. 

I love mornings like these. 

 I am so glad that our Father in Heav’n
Tells of His love in the Book He has giv’n;
Wonderful things in the Bible I see,
This is the dearest, that Jesus loves me.

 Some days I don't feel very loving or very lovable. Those are the days I need the reminder of God's unfailing love most. 

 I am so glad that Jesus loves me,
Jesus loves me, Jesus loves me.
I am so glad that Jesus loves me,
Jesus loves even me.

 Some days are fraught with stress and strife and threaten to crowd me before my feet have even hit the floor. Those are the days I need a song to sing even more. 

 Though I forget Him, and wander away,
Still He doth love me wherever I stray;
Back to His dear loving arms I do flee,
When I remember that Jesus loves me. 

 There is a reason I have a tattoo on my ankle of a heart with musical notes rising from it: God put a song in my heart. When He rescued me from a broken miserable existence and  brought restoration and renewal to my life, He transformed me from a sad little shell of a girl into a woman with a song in her heart. 

Oh, if there’s only one song I can sing,
When in His beauty I see the great King,
This shall my song through eternity be,
“Oh, what a wonder that Jesus loves me!”

 Some days I sing louder than other days. Some days it's just a hum, a vibration, a single note.  Some days it feels like an entire orchestra has been dispatched just for me, to play my song and play it with all the vibrancy and imagination that is available. 

 Jesus loves me, and I know I love Him;
Love brought Him down my poor soul to redeem;
Yes, it was love made Him die on the tree;
Oh, I am certain that Jesus loves me!

Even on the days when the music is so low that I have to strain to hear anything, I know His GRACE is there, His LOVE. 

In this assurance I find sweetest rest,
Trusting in Jesus, I know I am blessed;
Satan, dismayed, from my soul now doth flee,
When I just tell him that Jesus loves me.

 I hope you find a reason to sing today. 

Words & Music: Phil­ip P. Bliss, 1870 

thankfulness and worry don't really mix

Even as I lift my thanks and praise I can feel the words weighted with worry. Because I can't quite shake the feelings of anxiousness as I think about my husband, his new job, the injury, and how this is really going over in the office. They were wonderfully gracious about assigning him office work for the next few days but we both sense a undercurrent of disquiet over the whole incident. Still, with little control over the whole thing, what can we do but PRAISE GOD AND GIVE IT ALL TO HIM?!

I'm thankful today that my daughter is feeling better. After playing nursemaid to her housefull of sick children for a couple of weeks, mommy succumbed to the illness and ended up in the ER yesterday, dehydrated and asthmatic. It is such a helpless feeling to learn via texting that your baby girl who is 1000's of miles away is this ill and you can't do anything to help her. So even as I give thanks for the medicines and Doctor and other people in her life to help care for her, I fidget anxiously. Again I am reminded I have no control over this and I can ONLY TURN THIS OVER TO GOD.

At Curves, where I am working, we have a machine called the Lateral Lift. You stand in the machine with your feet shoulder width apart. You grab a handle on each side of you, about hip height. You pull up one side, tipping your side at the waist. Then you tip the other direction. It is working the lateral muscles, or love handles, and the trick is to pull up. but so often the ladies forget and they push the handle down. They pull up on one side and they push down  on the other..... which is ineffective. I tell the ladies "Lift up and let go. It's like our prayers--- we lift our prayers up -- and then let them go!"

It's a good reminder. When we turn our worries into prayers and then send them upward, we can trust that the One who hears our prayers is more than capable of taking over from here.

if only my love handles could be dealt with so successfully...


p.s. the curves where i am working is looking for part time help. if you live locally (whatcom county, washington) you might check it out. it's a pretty fun job. :)

time for another......Attitude CHECK!

 One of the things Bruce and I almost always do on the drive home from church each week is discuss the points of the sermon and what we felt God was speaking to us in that.


Yesterday what we both got out of the Sunday sermon was that sometimes our circumstances wont change until our attitude does. 

So we've been checking ours. 
Do we have an attitude of gratitude even as we stack those unpaid bills on the desk? 
Do we have an attitude of expectancy as we wait on the Lord to meet our needs? 
Do we leave God-Room for every situation? 

Well, I'd like to say YES!!  But in all honesty, we struggle every day to be joyful, hopeful and grateful. We ARE grateful for the surprises that come from unlikely benefactors. We are amazed at how God uses others to bless us.
But are we grateful, truly GRATEFUL for the CIRCUMSTANCES that  have us in this situation in the first place? 
Are we grateful for CIRCUMSTANCES make us so utterly dependent on God to supply our needs? 

Honestly? I can't say I would answer yes to that one all the time. And I want to be able to.  So attitude check time. And attitude adjustment time.

Lord, I WANT to really truly be GRATEFUL, not just for how you supply all my needs but for the very fact that I am in a situation where I have to depend on you and your greatness to meet those needs. Not just grateful for benefactors who show up on my doorstep and shove a twenty in my hand mumbling that they  felt led to give this to me, not just grateful for the fact that this $20 will buy me gas for a few more days, but grateful for the fact that I am in this place of poverty in the first place. And who in their right mind thanks God for being poor? 

Yet, if this is the will of God for me today, then who am I to discard it, reject it or even resent it? Lord Jesus, forgive me for this bad attitude. I repent here and now of my pity-party attitude that has me sinking into despair and depression and fear. YOU have a plan for my life and its for GOOD, (Jeremiah 29.11--it says prosperity in some versions) not for evil. Your plans include HOPE. 
You have my best in mind. You see and know things I can't. I trust you. I know you want what is best for me. So, even though I don't understand it, and may not like it, I will give thanks for it. And with your help Jesus, may I even find joy in my circumstances. 

Joy and Thanksgiving. I think I have found the words to live by for 2012.

Autumn, Vibrant, Golden

 One of the distinct pleasures about my little rural town is the ability to take a walk down to the river.

 to be able to look up at the mountain side, it's color palette loaded with glory

to know that the road runs east and west and both directions will take you a little bit closer to heaven.

that neighbors won't mind if you stop in their yard and enjoy their generous display of crimson. in fact they welcome you!

that you can find surprises where you least expect them....

and still be awed by little furry creatures

my favorite place to go in all of Deming is just down the street, turn right and cross the rail road tracks...

the river has changed course so much over the past years but it still takes my breath away to see it

rain or shine, the Nooksack River is beautiful

winter~spring~summer~fall anytime is a good time to visit the river~~

~~shimmer and shine; sunshine on the water looks so lovely~~

~~take a stroll down the river dyke and sing a little John Denver~~

relax on a "rock"ing chair~~ :) and sing some more.....

sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!

sunshine on my shoulders makes me high

~~if I had a day that I could give you, I'd give you a day just like today~~

goldenrod and sage

 a perfect day for reflection and praise!

and yet, summer is not completely gone....

for in my yard, a little bloom lingers

I love the overlap of the seasons.

prayers for today

Psalm 30:2  LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. 

A dear friend who has been battling Lymphoma is having the Bone Marrow Transplant today! If you would lift up a prayer (or two or three) today I know it would mean a lot to Mike and Catherine and to me.

to learn more about his journey you can read about it here


meanwhile, I am so thankful for God answering my prayers... my back is much better today. however, we will not be vacuuming, mopping or doing any other vigorous cleaning today even though our small group meets at our home tonight....
we will be meeting in a candle lit room...

Lists

It's Friday...
what a week it's been! A good week, a challenging week.
As I head into the weekend, I have lists.
What to pack for our road trip next week.
Food to prepare, food to buy.
What still needs to be done, cleaned, arranged...
yes I have lists!!

I also have a long list of prayer requests.
Almost every day I get an email from someone asking for specific prayer needs.
Someone is sick, had a serious accident, is in the hospital, in hospice...
A friend is fighting cancer and preparing for a bone marrow transplant. Infections charging and fever spiking are weekly occurrences.
A family member goes to court today over child custody issues.
Another family in crisis, others out of work, and all around me, relationships needing reconciliation.
There are always things to bring me to my knees in prayer.

But if I have a list of things to do and things to pray for, I also have a list of things to celebrate!

Grandchildren!
from a plump newborn to the oldest one who just joined a swim team and is loving it!
My mom, who is so very close to moving back home.
Quality time spent with a niece this week.
My man home safe and happy after his wilderness excursion.
Our trip together next week and the anniversary reason behind it (15 years on the 28th!!)
Fresh promises and insights EVERYDAY from God's Word.
Songs to sing.

Even the very things that bring me to my knees have praise-worthy content if I look carefully. 

Thankfulness

What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?

I am making a concentrated effort to remember my blessings as each day I face new challenges.

I am thankful for ...
new challenges first off, because they make me rely more fully on God.

I am grateful for...
the loving care of the aids at the nursing home who give Mom good care. I know they are often overworked and understaffed but they are kind and patient and gentle with her and that means a lot.

I am thankful for...
sunshine yesterday when I wheeled Mom across the parking lot from the nursing home to her Dr's office. We had bundled her up because she does chill easily but the sunshine was a bonus after dark clouds and rain showers had threatened to make this short trek a little wet and miserable.

I am grateful-- so very grateful-- for all the love poured on Mom while Bruce and I were out of town.

I am thankful for...
the few days away, to breathe in the aroma of mountain sunshine and wild berries,
to unwind, for long walks and rushing rivers.
For wholesome food (that I did not have to prepare!!)
and for re-connections with old friends.

I am thankful for...
my hard working husband, who day after day gets up and goes to work, whether he feels like it or not.
Who works hard all day and comes home exhausted but still gathers me in his arms and hugs me extra long and kisses me tenderly and tells me he loves me and is so glad I am his wife.

I am grateful that...
even after he comes home exhausted he also mows the lawn,
takes out the garbage
and promises to help me kitty-proof the spare room.

I am thankful for...
coffee
and orange juice
and a warm blanket,
flip flops and toothpaste.

I am thankful for...
birds chirping,
for good hearing to hear them,
and for cell phones that play Amy Grant's Better than a Hallelujah as a ring tone.

I am grateful for...
the coming weekend...
a wedding to attend that promises to be sweet and tender and full of joy.
Thankful for my brother and my soon-to-be-sister in law and their upcoming nuptials in just a few more weeks.
Family. So thankful for family.

Missing my kitty this morning and his kneading action against my leg while I write but thankful for good vet care and that I have such a sweet loving pet for my companion when days are long and dark.

I am thankful for...
so many many other things that I don't have time or room enough to list
but mostly I am so very thankful for
the Love and Grace and Hope I find in my relationship with Jesus.
He is my Everything.

What if you woke up this morning with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

90 Days

I just recently completed the first 90 days at my job. (cause for celebration!!) I was a little wigged out last week as the day for my employee evaluation drew near. It was, quite honestly, a spiritual attack and I am rejoicing that because I am a child of God, the evil one can not touch me! 

That said, I thought (since everyone else is doing it) I would post my list of the things that bring me comfort, joy and contentment... but because of the 90 day thing... well my list will be 10 short of 100.

in no particular order...

1. writing
2. reading my bible
3. singing
4. walks along the river
5. coffee dates
6 my hubby's sense of humor
7. fresh snow
8. not having to drive in that snow!
9. worship
10 my relationship with Jesus
11. blogging
12. reading
13. yahoo dates with my bestest sister
14. seeing pictures posted of my grandkiddos (it would be better if I could see them in person, but..   : ( sigh.....
15. helping people
16. long drives on sunny days with no particular destination in mind.
17. random silliness
18. A London fog (earl gray concoction that has replaced my love affair with Chai)
19.watching Toddy stretch out while he sleeps in front of the fire
20. hugs
21. being near the water
22. driving over the bridge as we come into Tall Timber Ranch and catching the first glimpse of the massive mountain ridge rising above the camp
23. reminiscing  with Bruce about our romance
24 making up crazy stories about our romance and telling them to unsuspecting friends and acquaintances.
25. jigsaw puzzles
26. a clean kitchen (not that I enjoy the cleaning, it's the after it's done feeling that brings satisfaction)
27. watching my husband read his bible
28. kisses (both the chocolate and the real ones)
29. sleeping in
30. fresh sheets on the bed
31. watching Earl the Squirrel on my deck
32. listening to rain on the roof
33. the warmth of wood heat
34. sitting around a campfire
35 camping
36. road trips
37. fuzzy thick socks
38 pedicures
39. candles
40. staff meetings that are full of praise, prayer, worship and celebrations!
41. praise gatherings
42. snow on the mountains
43. free internet connections!
44. staying in a *nice* hotel
45. coffee in bed with the paper
46. tea pot and cozy, w/ proper china to drink it in
47. my job
48. my wedding ring ( both for the sparkly beauty and for what it represents)
49. old photos
50. antique stores
51. LP records!
52. happy endings
53. music playing in the background
54. music cranked while driving fast
55. hearing adoption stories
56. letters from long lost friends
57 facebook connections
58. words of encouragement (given and received)
59. fields full of cows munching on grass.
60. Bruce ( I didn't forget him, remember this is in no order)
61. home baked bread
62. eating out
63. caller ID
64. scrapbook paper (endless possibilities)
65. making the list--not so much, crossing things off, yes!
66. autumn
67. crocuses and daffodils poking up out of the ground
68. a glass of wine with dinner (or after dinner)
69. a warm blanket
70. a good movie and a bowl of popcorn
71. puppies
72. pink ribbons and bows in a little girls hair
73. chicklets gum
74. quiet time
75. libraries and book mobiles
76. drive throughs... banks, espresso stands, take out....
77. looking through my cedar chest
78. hot showers, warm towels and smelly good lotions
79. weddings
80. power-point photo slides
81. coffee with real cream
82. wicker baskets
83. researching online (www!!! google!!! snopes!!!)
84. coffee table books
85. Chuckanut Drive
86. Blvd Park
87. Silver Lake
88. cool shade on a hot day
89. sweet tea
90. understanding and appreciating what I have and that it all comes from God.

...and every good and perfect thing, comes from you, Father of Lights. (adapted from James 1.17)

God at Work

He's always up to something, that God of mine.

Work has been next to non-existent for Bruce for the last few months. A day of work here, a day of work there, spread out over several weeks with nothing. But he has been obedient to going where ever God has asked him to go and doing whatever God has asked him to do. And a lot of that has been in the form of volunteering.

It's depressing some days. Demoralizing even, for my husband, the main wage earner, to be sitting at a desk stacked with bills and not able to do much about them. We've been through this before. Last winter was much like this, even down to the letters from the bank asking (ever so nicely) for the mortgage payment.... but God carried us through. He sustained us. He provided in creative and unexpected ways and He built our faith as we had asked Him to do.

So I shouldn't expect He would stop.

and He hasn't. Again, in unexpected ways, He is meeting our needs.

I walk into my cubical at work one evening and discover someone has anonymously left me an envelope with cash in it. It's not a lot but to me, it means everything. It means gas in my car for the coming week. Finally sitting down to balance the checkbook with the bank statement, (a procrastinated chore) I discover a tidy little sum that had been overlooked as a deposit. (usually it happens the other way --forgetting to record a debit card purchase!) Now, I will have money for food for this week.  The doorbell rings and an angel wearing Carharts emphatically states that God told him to give us this-- and passes me a rolled up wad of bills. I stare dumbfounded at this latest proffering and swallow hard. Another bill can be payed.

God over and over again shows me He is my Jehovah Jireh-- my provider. I ask Him to give us this day our daily bread and He does.

A friend refers work for Bruce and today he has gone to check it out. It might only be one day --or two at the most but it will fill another gap. A phone call this morning offers hope-- a past employer of a retreat center has need of Bruce's talents for a myriad of tasks. Praise you Jesus.

It is humbling. Humbling in the way that can cause great uncomfortableness in our spirit, as we wrestle with pride, but it is also humbling in the way God intends it to be;  letting go of our pride and recognizing how great our need is for a Savior. 

It's Still Good News!

Good news travels fast. We have probably all experienced that a time or two.  Someone is pregnant, or just had their baby. We can't wait to share it. A fantastic sale in on at the mall. That's worth a phone call or a text or two, right?  Yes, good news can not be contained.

I was reading from Mark 1 where Jesus heals the man with leprosy. And Jesus instructs the man to go to the priest and not to tell anyone what happened. But instead what did the man do? He told everyone he came across.

I can just see it now...  this poor man has been ostracized for who knows how long... away from family, possibly a wife and children, all his support network, unable to work or go to church or do any of the normal things we so often take for granted. And now, he is healed! No longer will he be declared unclean! He is leaping and laughing as he runs down the pathway, on his way to the temple to see the priest, and he sees some one he knows and he shouts out "I'm clean! I'm cured!"  He can't wait to see his wife and gather her up in his arms, to wipe the tears from her eyes. To lift his son up in the air, until he giggles and screams in delight. Oh the joy! He yells again, like a mad man, "I am healed! The leprosy is GONE! The man called Jesus has healed me!"

I have often wondered why Jesus gave instructions to NOT talk about it but what strikes me the most really is that it was such good news it just could not be contained. How often has someone told you something that was so deliciously good that you just could not keep it a secret-- even though you had been told not to repeat it?!?  (I know I have)

I remember how I felt after Jesus set me free from some things that held me in an emotional prison. I was free and I felt like i wanted to fly! I did laugh and giggle -- for days really-- and I shared with anyone who would listen that something wonderful had taken place in my life and I was feeling alive and free for the first time in such a long long time.

why did I stop? I'm still free. The good news is still good news. It still can't be-- shouldn't be-- contained. But after awhile we stop telling our story because, like the headlines in yesterdays paper, it isn't NEW anymore.

But what if no one has heard it? It's still new to them.

I remember how my dad had a stack of newspapers (stacks really) that he got from others (yes, like a true Dutchman he was too cheap to get a subscription so he would take last weeks newspaper and work his way through) He would sit each day and read the old newspaper, but to him, it was new. 

And that is how it is with the good news of Jesus Christ.  Even though Jesus died and rose from the dead a long time ago, He still did something miraculous, wonderful, live giving and amazing! It's still worth sharing, worth shouting about! It's still GOOD NEWS!

And while I was set free quite awhile back, isn't God continuing to do something new? In my life and in yours? Is He not still at work, setting the captives free? Won't there always be something good to tell when it has to do with Jesus?

O God forgive me when I am complacent and lazy in my faith, when my enthusiasm for your great works wanes. May your mighty works always be at the forefront of my mind and heart. May I always be ready to give testimony, to share my story of what you have done , what you are continuing to do and what you will do in days to come. Amen.

Being Thankful Day 20

fresh, clean, unmarked snow.. reminds me of the verse (Isaiah 1:18) that says, ..." though your sins be like scarlett they shall be washed  white as snow, though your sins be like crimson they shall be as wool."

If you have experienced the joy of knowing your sins have been forgiven, then you know thankful.
If you have experienced the joy of knowing you are now a member of the family of God, you know blessed.

Jesus Bring the Rain

(this is a bonus posting!)

I was listening to one of my favorite songs this morning on my way to work and one of the lines really jumped out and grabbed me... its how circumstances can not change who I am in Jesus. i just love that! it's so powerful, if we just choose to believe it. With my apologies to the songwriter for taking liberties, I have copied and pasted the lyrics here. they just fill me with so much joy , I had to share...


I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty


by mercy me

copy and paste this in your browser if you would like to enjoy it on youtube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m17af0XmPFo

Being Thankful Day 14

Sundays... that begin with Worship. I am so blessed by the praise we lift up with our voices and our hands, our love song to God. For a church that teaches Truth. For my husband who loves God with all his heart and aspires to be the spiritual head of our household, and for his commitment to serving regardless of the cost or sacrifice. I am thankful for this evening, a quiet night at home, with music and love surrounding me.

UNSTUCK!

There have been things in my past that have had a negative hold on me, keeping me from fully embracing spiritual adoption. But, I purpose, in the power of the Holy Spirit, from this day forward, to believe that EVERYTHING in my past, my present and my future, is for HIS glorious purpose.

Personal Transformation

In my previous blog I wrote about Being Transformed by the Truth and said I would share about this on a personal level. Let me start by saying, this is a process for me and I am not always sure where in the process I fall. I do know that there have been numerous times the Holy Spirit has given me divine revelations that I, sadly, chose NOT to believe, therefore loosing the blessing God had intended for me.

But there have been times I have chosen to believe what the Lord has whispered to me in the stillness of my heart and those have been life giving moments for me.  Let me share about one of the earliest times...

step One; Receive Revelation: Tall Timber Ranch, March 1994. A church retreat and I am there as an 'extra' in a weekend retreat for the youth group. I came with no expectations, no responsibilities and no other agenda but to lose myself in the weekend and come back refreshed.
Well, God met me there in a way I had never experienced before. During a time of reflection and meditation on Psalm 23, as the leader read the words, "he restores my soul" something lept inside of me-- reverberated with in me. I knew in that instant that I had just heard the Lord speak to me. it was a Revelation!

Contemplation: As I prayed and reflected on this, I sought out what the Lord was trying to tell me through this. For a long time I had been nursing bitter hurts, broken places and deep wounds. I sensed the Lord was urging me to give Him those things... all of the pieces, once and for all. But it wasn't easy!

Wrestling with mind will and emotions: You bet I did. After all, those wounds were what defined me! Like a soldier with a Purple Heart, i had earned my battle wounds. Was I really ready to give them up? But I knew the only way to find peace and healing and RESTORATION was to let God have it. I made the decision to...

Choose to Believe:  in the instant that i stopped wrestling with these thoughts and surrendered it ALL, I experienced such a wave of peace. It was overwhelming in goodness and blessings. But the next step was to...

Stand on the Truth/Act on the command, which I may not have realized i was doing at the time but I had to confront the things that had brought me the pain in the first place. Sure I may have surrendered those things but was I going to leave them there at the feet of Jesus or was I going to reach out and reclaim them?(why we are so often tempted to pick those nasty ugly painful things back up I'll never understand. you would think we'd be so glad to be rid of them but still....)

I am happy to say that in spite of the temptations to slide right back into the old way of doing things, I stood firm and left those ugly hurts where they belonged! And the blessings began to flow!  As I clung to the balm in the blessings more healing occurred with in me. The more I healed the more the Truth was reinforced. The more the truth was reinforced, the more I healed. it was a sweet circle of blessing. It was a time in my life that I felt myself really growing in my walk with the Lord.

It was enough to hold me up when the testing of my belief came. Here was another time where i might have lost this battle and had another thing stolen from me but gosh, by this time I was really really tired of having the enemy steal even one more thing from me!! I hung on to that promise of restoration for my soul and now know that this is when the belief I held on to became a conviction! Praise God!!

since that time, the testings have come again and again and each time I am presented with a choice. Do I give in to the temptation to let the wounds of the past have their way with me or do I stand firm in the belief that the One who has given me restoration still reigns supreme?

the last few years i feel as if I may have slipped into some old patterns. I have had new hurts and disappointments that have really put me back. I realize that I lost some ground. the enemy stole my sunshine and stole my blessings because I temporarily forgot who's child I am. I forgot that MY DADDY has my back... and my front and my side and most perfectly my INSIDE. I am looking right now on this exercise and seeing the truths I neglected and need to reclaim. The revelation God gave me 16 years ago is once again being reinforced by a time of testing and experience.

Earlier today I was reflecting on some things and I thought i want to be able to say and mean it, "I"m back"       meaning the girl who was living with passion and conviction over several years, and then lost her way, has found her way back into living victorious....
And you know what? God is SO GOOD. He gives us the desires of our hearts when we ask for the things he so wants to give us! I feel like melted butter as I sit here soaking up the blessings of his grace and restoration.

so.... watch out world......   I'm back!!

Thoughts on Worship

What picture or visual comes into your mind when you hear the word “worship”?

If you said ‘singing praise’ or ‘going to church’ that would be how I would first answer too. And it is a correct answer. It’s just not the only answer.

There are lots of ways in which we practice Worship and singing praise songs to God is certainly the way I connect to God most often and most meaningfully. But here are some things God has revealed to me as I thought and studied on the word ‘worship.’ 

Think about what you might see people doing in their time of worshipping. Arms upraised, palms outstretched. It’s a pretty common practice for a lot of church goers, however, the church I was raised in did nothing like that. For me, those practices were best left to the Pentecostals, Holy Rollers and such. I was raised much too strictly to entertain thoughts of losing myself in the act of worship.

So, it was an incredibly freeing and powerful moment the first time I was brave enough to let my guard down and raise my arms up. And in that physical movement I realized what was at the heart of worship. 

Surrender. 

You see, worship begins with the attitude of the heart. We know from the very beginning what can happen when you bring an offering to God with the wrong heart attitude. (Remember Cain and Abel?)

What God wants most from us is our heart and the heart of worship is surrender. That is why we raise our arms as we worship. We are physically offering ourselves up to the One who Created us. We surrender ourselves. 

Romans 12.1 says “Offer your body to God as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God—This is your spiritual act of Worship.”

So, while my most natural way of worship is through giving God praise through music, I have come to discover other ways… 

*When I write. God created me with a gift for writing and to paraphrase Eric Liddell,  “When I write, I feel God’s pleasure.”

*Nature/ His Creation. Some of the best conversations of the heart and spirit that I have ever experienced have occurred when Bruce and I are out in the woods, hiking. We reveal in God’s creation and see His fingerprints on everything we see. (now we also experience some mighty deeply theological discussions while we drive to the dump too so….. safe to say, God is in everything!)

* Using my spiritual gifts. Acts of service, compassion, leadership… when I do it for the glory of God, it becomes my spiritual act of worship. Today God said, “bake brownies for the class tonight and tell them it’s from me.” (unfortunately  'burnt offerings' was not what either of us really had in mind.... oh dear!)

So, while worship thru' music is still my favorite, I see now that everything I do, when I do it with the right attitude of the heart, is worship. 

And God says, “That is what I created you for.”

Last Sunday and today, we were prayed for in church as a blessing and commissioning before we leave on our trip. Last Sunday Pastor Dean was there and he brought us up to the front and prayed over us. Today it was Pastor Steve, and he invited anyone who wanted to come forward and lay hands on us and pray. What a sweet privilege to be blessed in this way. What an honor we have to be called to serve Christ.

I felt especially blessed today because my dear friend Sandy was among the people who came forward.  Sandy is such an example to me of what a woman lost in God looks like. Her whole face shines with the peace of Christ. Her spirit is sweet and her heart is true. I can only hope and pray that I can reflect even a small portion of that to the people I come in contact with.

Today's message was about Christ healing the hurts in us. What a testimony i can give to how the Holy Spirit has brought about healing in me.  I wrote on my facebook wall about feeling blessed, thankful healed and whole and only my Jesus can do that.  18-20 years ago, I would have never been able to say that.  I was so broken and crushed in spirit, so beaten down and full of pain... the walls I had so carefully constructed to protect myself I thought were firmly in place yet, the facade was just that-- a facade--  fragile and it so easily could crumble. Yet, look! Look where the Lord has brought me!  He made some thing beautiful of my life.... you know there's a song there....

(the Gaithers:) Something beautiful, something good, all my confusion, He understood, All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life.

Even 8-9 years ago, when we went on our first out of country missions trip to Costa Rica, I was a fearful, reluctant participant. I went, excited, but really in bondage from the fear and insecurities I carried.  I am still a little fearful over this trip, but the fear comes from a completely different place. Maybe calling it fear is even the wrong word. I have questions, I have concerns, i have wonders, I have nervousness and actually the fear is the good kind; the kind that comes from AWE...  not from something bad or wrong or evil.

But this time I am excited and looking forward to the experience, the chance to connect with women who have their own baggage of hurts and oppressions. An opportunity to love on them and share with them from the heart, that as daughters of the King of Kings, we are royalty, we are princesses. that there is hope in Christ. that we can be made whole. Healed and Whole.

MIke, one of the team members also shared in church this morning about the healing the Lord has done in his life. Awesome!  This trip is going to be so cool and the people we are traveling with are a part of that.

That Bruce and I get to experience this together is the best! I look over at him during church and my heart swells with the thrill and knowledge that we are in this together. (and here I am referring to the trip and having CTK in Deming)  Wow, its been  just an awesome awesome time and it's only the beginning!!  :)