Grace, Strength, Hope

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12.9

What a timeless verse! I've shared it many times here on my blog but its a passage of scripture that never loses power, never fails to stir a hope in me that surpasses whatever dark and weary emotion is weighing me down. The word 'grace' itself has several meanings. There's the grace that brings to mind a ballerina, pirouetting gently. There is grace as in being courteous. And then, the grace as in unmerited favor, offered freely, giving us eternal life. Grace is also the word I chose for this year as an area to concentrate on and grow in.
 

We all struggle with a weakness. Some physical, some internal. We are, after all, fragile 'jars of clay' as Paul puts it. I think of all the times I have struggled to find energy to do the thing that lies before me.When physical ailments challenge me the thing I need to do instantly becomes bigger. When I'm having a dark day internally, the thing I need to do can quickly get pushed to the bottom of the list. It's sometimes easier to pull the covers over my head and hide than try to forge ahead. It's on days like this that this verse saves me. Think about it. Christ is saying my weakness works to His advantage. If I am feeling strong and confident, I won't likely turn to Him. ("I can do it myself") Christ says it's when I am weak that He does His best work. It's as if being weak is the whole point!

And what about the next part of that passage?

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

God says "my grace is sufficient" but the take away for Paul was to boast about it! And not just to boast, but to also be content in it. I've said before that with chronic depression I have found ways to be thankful for it. It has made me all the more dependent on the Lord. I do feel like Paul, in that I have prayed-- and been prayed for-- that the depression would leave and I wouldn't need to take my little mood stabilizers anymore. So far it's not happened. And I'M OKAY WITH THAT. Because the power of Christ lives in me. I have learned to be content with my condition, with the gray days and the low energy. I'm okay with others judging me when they don't know the whole story. I'm okay with the difficulties that a chronic condition brings. I'm okay with it ...and I am grateful.

Because... when I am weak, then I am strong.

it's a cleaning toilets kind of day

On the eve of my 16th birthday I went on my very first date. It was the high school Tolo, and I had asked the boy I was crushing on to go with me. I wore a long dress and got my hair do-didded up. He gave me a corsage, we went to a fine dining establishment and then the high school cafeteria where the dance was being held. We danced a couple of slow dances but for the most part we sort of hugged the wall and tried to downplay the awkward nervousness between us. I was home by midnight and wrote furiously about it in my journal before finally crashing in a state of bliss.

And the next morning, a Saturday, birthday or not, I was in my old jeans and ratty sweatshirt, dusting shelves and cleaning toilets. And yes, I think there is some significance in that.

the love-burkes are ready to walk n' roll!

So... yesterday I participated in my very first race. Walking, yes, but a race just the same. Timed and competitive and I rose to the challenge. Bruce asked me before we left the house what sort of goal did I have in mind for the day. Because I walk almost every day and the 4 miles we were signed up for had become pretty routine to my daily regime, I was really only interested in doing it in a decent amount of time. Keeping in mind that we'd agreed to do the race together and that Bruce does not walk every day and does not walk as fast as me, I needed to remember to keep my pace compatible to his. Still, I wanted to complete the race in a decent amount of time. I told him I'd like to see us complete it in no more than one hour. We'd been averaging a 4 mile walk together on Sunday mornings, on a road that was uphill both ways, in about 65-70 minutes. Being the Honeywagon run was all on level ground I figured doing it in an hour or less was certainly manageable.

And we did. 59 minutes and 29 seconds. I tried not to smoke my sweetie too bad but it was hard holding back on such a glorious warm day, with a spring in my step to match the season. We walked side by side some of the time, other times I was in the lead and encouraging him to catch up while he suggested short cuts across farmland. (such a kidder that hubby of mine.) We had a lot of fun and every step of the way I was aware that he was doing this for me as much as with me and I cannot tell you how much that gesture meant to me.

peace out baby!

who is this cute guy following me anyway? maybe I should get his number....

Perhaps walking a 4 mile stretch doesn't sound like much to a seasoned walker or runner but I deal almost daily with physical challenges so this was HUGE to me. Accomplishing something that had been buried in the recesses of my heart since I was in my 20's was also huge. (getting a little emotional here, sniff, sniff)

walking hand in hand up to the finish line and then he insisted I cross first. 

This morning was very much like the day after my Tolo. I am still riding high on my goal being met, but the reality of daily life is also needing attention. So here I am in my old jeans and a ratty sweatshirt, dusting shelves and cleaning the toilet.

no prizes awarded for walkers but I did win a pair of socks in a door prize!

I can hear my mothers voice (you probably can hear someone in your past saying this too) reminding me of that old Proverb, "pride goeth before a fall" (which a shortened version of the real verse but you know what I mean, right?) My point is this: I must remember to not get puffed up about things. And cleaning toilets helps me with that.... sort of... :)

Galatians 6.3 says For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 

As I said in a previous post, I am weak. And that is when God steps in. When I admit my dependence on Him, when I say, 'when I am weak, I am strong', when I recognize that His Grace is sufficient for me, that His Power works best in my weakness, then, as Paul says, then I can boast.

For all the pride I feel over yesterdays achievement, (and I do deserve to feel proud of myself for it) I am also reminded as I swish the brush around the toilet bowl, that with my physical challenges and, my emotional frailties, I am NOTHING without Jesus. He is the rock I cling to, my hope, my strength and my song.

The "D" Word

I am going to write this post before I lose my nerve.

I have been struggling for some time emotionally speaking in addition to dealing with physical pain. The last 2 weeks being off work has allowed me time to admit that things are not as they should be. I am not making it folks. I am floundering, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry (irrationally so at times) and lethargic, and the things I normally should be able to take in stride are tripping me up more than my lame foot.

It's no secret that I have dealt with depression in the past. I have blogged about my depression and also about my decision to go off the antidepressants. I am not sorry that I made that decision and for almost 2 years I have felt successful in navigating life without the aid of that little happy pill. But, the time has come, is here, to face reality. I was slowly slipping back into the black hole...  have slipped.... and so back I went to the doctor today and renewed my prescription for my antidepressants.

I am also off work for a couple more weeks to allow a little more time for healing in my foot and I have to admit to an immense feeling of relief over this. Yes, it will create some new financial stress as we go without my paycheck but we'll survive this. God is in control and He will make a way.

I was wearing this necklace at the doctors office today and I added "I can do all things through Christ... and Wellbutrin!" and we had a good chuckle. I am glad I can joke about it and I am glad that I can accept my limitations with some grace.