I'm Conquering Fears!

Left and Right! Bam! Bam! Bam!

In my last post I shared about overcoming a fear of heights to do the zipline. I rode high (no pun intended) on that adventure for weeks! I was just so thrilled to see a correlation between one day God speaking to me about "letting go" and the next actually doing that!

I knew that my fear was more about losing control than it was about heights though.

In July I traveled to Dallas-Fort Worth to attend the annual Premier Designs Rally. It was amazing.... sort of like Women of Faith (conference) meets The Price is Right. For 3 days I listened to inspiring speakers, leaders, teachers, all who said,"yep, we sell jewelry, yep, here's how to grow your business but.... what we are really about is how to Glorify God in all we do!"  WOW. Talk about a spiritual boost! I came away from the Rally on fire and ready to go to the next level in my business.

The last few months have been about testing the waters, and now, here is an intended pun! I tested the waters literally in September at our church camp out. I kayaked!

So, here's another thing about me... although I can swim, I don't like tippy things.... in water. I had a major freak out in a canoe once and decided long ago we just wouldn't do that again. Poor Bruce. He would have loved for us to canoe or kayak but I was not amiable to that! Until that Labor Day Weekend at Silver Lake Park....

Because of the gentle persistence of a couple of very sweet ladies, I caved and found myself in a kayak on Sunday evening.  It was a really wide kayak and I immediately felt pretty safe and comfortable on the water! It was amazing. We paddled across the lake and talked and laughed. It was fun! (Wish I had a picture or two from that because it would have been fun to see my face-- Bruce's face was one of astonishment watching me actually do this!)

As I said before, Fear is really more about not having control over things than it is about the actual things. I'm watching this play out in my mom's life up close. She has been in Assisted Living for the past 4 years and the last several months have seen her declining more and needing more and more help. More than assisted living is designed for. So we've begun the search for a skilled nursing facility in which to move her to.

Her mood is dark these days. She strikes out verbally and speaks of just wishing she was "dead already." She's weak and frail and needs help with just about everything. Her body is wearing out. She's depressed and angry and cantankerous but I think most of it stems from fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of  having to trust others to do for her what she's done on her own for so long. Fear of dying even though she knows the Lord and knows she's going to heaven.

Its hard to watch. It's sad. When my dad passed away, over 11 years ago, it was cardiac arrest. One minute he was alive, then next he was gone. No warning. Just that horrible phone call the next morning telling us he had passed. As shocking as that news was/is, it's how I hope I go. I'd rather live fully until that last day rather than linger, sick and weak and needy. But only God knows what or how. I have to trust Him.

I've heard it said that FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. That makes sense.
So often we just fear the unknown.
We're scared of the dark because we don't know what's out there.
We're scared of heights and canoes because its unpredictable!
Will we fall?

 And we are afraid of stepping out because,

what if we fail??

But Oh! 
What if we fly?


"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1.9

And Then I Climbed a Tree

Not just any tree! But a really really tall skinny tree! I scaled this tree about 40 feet up to a tiny little platform that was barely big enough for one person, let alone two! I then allowed myself to be hooked up to a device that would send me sailing through the air,suspended above the ground,  for a 1000+ feet ride, where I was 'caught' by a couple of trained individuals. 

Yep. I did the Zipline.

Memorial Weekend 2017. One week after my retreat and my experience with the duck, you know where God basically told me to quit working so hard to tread water in order to stay safe, and let go a little bit, trust Him more and let me see where the Holy Spirit would take me. We were at one of our favorite places on earth, our beloved Tall Timber Ranch for the Work n' Worship Weekend.  Climbing the rock wall had been offered one evening, the next night, the zipline.

Let me state for the record a few things.
1. I am afraid of heights. I'll say that again, I AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS. As in I DON'T DO THEM.  Ladders, rooftops, and the like, are not my friends. No, huh-uh, never. 
2. I have been visiting Tall Timber for over 20 years. I have had plenty of opportunities to experience the Zipline. Never. Have. I. Ever. No desire, no need. 
3. Did I mention I don't do heights?

But, something came over me that evening at dinner when table mates were talking about doing the zip-line later. Without any warning I said, 'Maybe I'll do that too..." 

And Suddenly.... it became imperative that I do it! I have no way to explain it, other than a Holy Phenomenon.  It was like it was this bucket list item that I HAD to check off my list! 

Bruce scoffed when I announced I was going to do the zip-line. He said he'd believe it when he saw it. I said he better hurry up then because if I was going to do it, I'd do it before I came to my senses!

My little friend Lizzy was certainly brave!

On a dry dusty hill, below the incredibly tall skinny tree, a crowd had gathered. Some were putting on harnesses and helmets. Others were there to gawk or cheer or both. I got into my harness with the aid of my step-son. Joey has worked on staff and Tall Timber, and has a degree in Recreation. He wasn't assisting in the actual zip-line activity but he was certainly a calming and encouraging factor as he tightened and adjusted my gear. I observed several others go ahead of me and watched carefully. Curiously I realized I wasn't really fearful of the actual zip-line ride itself. I thought that would probably be quite a rush and very fun! It was getting to the platform to take off from that was the challenge. 

You see, not only was the platform from which to launch, 40 some feet above ground, but the process for climbing the tree was precarious! Into the bark of the tree trunk were hammered small hooks for which to place hands and feet. You're not just climbing, you are sort of pulling yourself from hook to hook. Now, not only did I have to conquer my fear of heights. but I had to use arm and leg strength I wasn't sure I had. (especially my arms-- those darn shoulders). I had to trust completely in the harness and gear and the guy at the other end of my rope, belaying me. 

It was a stretch, literally, that climb. Those hooks would be easy for someone really tall but for 5'3 me, I was almost not able to reach hooks above me. But I climbed. I climbed FAST. I think I just wanted to get that part over with!

 By the time I reached the top and was preparing to step off the hooks onto the platform where Nic was waiting to instruct me, I knew what it meant to be 'scared spit-less" I mean it. I had NO SPIT! My mouth was drier than cotton and I wished desperately for a glass of water (or whiskey!!!) 


When I was situated on the platform Nic instructed me to squat a little and feel the support of the harness. Once I did that and realized how firmly suspended I was I actually relaxed a little! Nic said "Whenever you're ready, just lift your feet and you'll go!"

I nodded and lifted my feet. and........




WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!! 

I DID IT! I DID THE ZIPLINE!!

to RECAP: I climbed a tree 40 feet up. I zipped 1000 feet across the clearing to the landing. I had to deal with fear of heights, and use body strength I wasn't sure I had. I had to trust completely in the harness and gear. How like our walk with Christ! We have to trust Him to hold us and support us in those testing and defining moments.

Jesus is my carbeaner

Roller Coaster and Ferris Wheels

"Just once I'd like my ship to come in and not have it carrying nuclear waste." 

Spoken like a man who's been through the wringer when it comes to failures vs success. When you've been riding the financial roller coaster for so many years and then get on a Ferris Wheel you would think the ride would be much smoother. But the dull throb of the headache and lingering twists in your tummy take awhile to subside. 

For many years my hard working husband has been self employed. The last several years of that were beyond lean and we faced many an uphill battle to keep our home and our sanity. God was faithful to continue to provide for us and while we often felt weary from the stress we also grew stronger in our faith. With many people praying with us for a change in circumstances it was with a huge sigh of relief when my husband accepted a job offer for a local company. For the first time in our near 20 years of married life we had a regular paycheck to rely on and a budget that actually could work. What a tremendous blessing.

Still, we had months of financial wreckage to deal with and each month we squeaked by paying just what we needed to pay with nothing left over. We were paying our bills and that felt good but we knew all it would take was one visit to the dentist or a car breakdown to send us reeling. God stepped in once again and my husband, having proved himself capable received a raise in pay. Now we could breathe just a little easier.

Each time we went through one of those roller coaster dips, we tried hard not to freak out. Our God was always faithful and just in the nick of time He would show us a way through the dark valley. He didn’t rescue us from the dark valley but He did walk beside us holding the flashlight. 

photo by Robyn Burke

We often talked about the lesson we were supposed to be learning in all of this. We’d think we’d figured it out and then another financial crisis would strike and we’d cry, “What are we not getting here Lord? Are we really this slow at getting it that we need to go through this again?”

Then a daily devotional arrived in my email. The writer’s main gist was that our success isn’t measured by how well we perform during one of life’s trials, but by our faith. I can breakdown and cry. I can fret and worry and I can even complain bitterly about my situation. But as long as my faith in my Savior doesn’t waver, I come out a winner.

google images

Oh did I ever need this point brought to my attention. I shared it with my husband and we chewed on it for some time. Maybe the lesson we were supposed to be learning wasn’t about how to be strong in a crisis or being humble enough to ask for help. Maybe the lesson had nothing to do with learning to get by on less or going in a different direction. What was important was did we keep looking to Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith?

With a renewed sense of direction we focus now on remaining faithful. If we occasionally still mutter when we pay the bills and worry about too much month at the end of the money, or grumble when others are going to dinner and the movies and we are eating rice and beans and watching you-tube videos, its okay. I doesn’t mean we’ve failed another test. What matters is we are living the life God called us to and we are living it with faith. We may not do it perfectly but we are intent on doing it better. 

REWIND??

Back in 1986 I watched a fantasy/comedy movie called "Peggy Sue Got Married"  In the movie, a woman named Peggy Sue attends her 25- year high school reunion. She's recently separated from her (cheating) husband Charlie. She regrets some of the decisions she made in her life-- such as marrying Charlie. When she faints at the reunion and wakes up in 1960-- back in high school, she's suddenly given the chance to live her life again. She sets out to change things... only... some choices are more complicated... her relationship with Charlie being just one of them.

I suppose all of us at one time or another has wondered if we had the chance do our lives over again, if we wouldn't do some things differently. I know I have.  If I woke up to find myself back in high school I want to think I'd make much wiser decisions, knowing then what I know now. However, who I am today is based on the experiences I have had. So, if I had a rewind button on my life, while I might be tempted to push it  I think it would be to revisit the highlights of my life, just for the pleasure of reliving those moments...

family hikes...
camping...
the birth of my children...
the falling in love experience with my sweetie....
vacations that brought much  happiness....
meeting my grandchildren for the first time...

But perhaps the one thing I would truly love to re-experience are the mountain top highs in my relationship with Jesus. 

I've been a Christian since I was 9 years old. I was raised in the faith, having attended church my whole life and except for some teen-age rebellious years, have pretty much tried to walk the talk. It wasn't until I was in my 30's however that I realized that what I'd been calling my "Christian Life" wasn't exactly the full life that God had planned for me. I'd been living life according to Robyn, making decisions based on what I thought was best for me, not on seeking out what was God's best for me. 

The day I came face to face with this truth was the day my relationship with Jesus got real. I realized that a lot of what I had been doing was based on religion: going through the motions of bible reading, attending church, praying and signing up for lots of 'do-good' activities. When I caught a glimpse of just how much Jesus loved me and how much He wanted a real relationship with me, that's when things began to change. For the better.

Since then, it's been a process, a journey, full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but an exciting adventure with laughter, tears, sorrows and joys. And while I wouldn't trade that for anything, there are times I realize I've been coasting, sort of taking my Christian life for granted. I start getting a little lukewarm about things... the passion cools, the mind wanders, and then I find I've drifted into a dry and weary desert... again.

I really don't like when this happens. That's when I wish I  could push a rewind button and go back to the times where I felt the Holy Spirit powerfully at work within me. This last time of desert dryness I finally reached a point of such frustration that I did something either incredible brave or incredible stupid. I asked the Lord to ignite in me a Holy Passion for the things He wants me to go after.

I prayed that prayer and then sat back in fear and trepidation wondering what would happen next. It's been a few weeks since I prayed that prayer-- and I've even repeated it a time or two. It's been a slow, tender unfolding but change is happening. I feel like I am coming out of a long winter's nap and as I stretch and yawn and look around, I feel like a little branch on a tree, it's delicate shoot gently unfurling a little more each day.

God knows me so well and while in someone else's life He might bring change swift and powerfully, He knows me and He knows my circumstances. He knows at what speed I need to travel --when to go fast, when to go slow. But each day I have felt the passion re-igniting. Yes, it's slow but it's enough. And I am aware that the rewind button isn't necessary. It's a brand new movie and while occasionally I might catch a peek of the trailer, it's with my best interest in mind that God reveals things to me in just the right measure, at just the right speed, at just the right time.

Praise  God!

Jehovah Jireh!

The Lord will provide.

Plain and simple that's what Jehovah Jireh means.

I've learned a lot about God as Provider over the years. His faithfulness knows no bounds.

Remember how He provided daily for the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness? Each day He sent them quail and manna and told them to gather the manna-- just enough for that day. They didn't need to worry about tomorrow (though they often did)

I'm no different. I guess I am guilty of some short term memory loss because it's so easy for me to get worked up about my needs for tomorrow. I get to the end of my rope and start to freak a bit, forgetting how God always steps in and provides what I need, just as I need it.

I love this translation from Matthew 5.3 in the Message: "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule."

Wow.

How about verse 5...  "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are-- no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought."

Things that cannot be bought...
Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Contentment.
Patience.
Friendship.
Immortality.

We won't find any of those on sale this Black Friday.

I'm working on not worrying about tomorrow. I'm working on a lot of stuff lately, but mostly... mostly I'm letting God work on me.

Yeah, About That...

Did you ever set out to do something you think might prove earth shattering, monumental, even life changing, only to discover that in the grand scheme of things it was just a small blip? 

 I took a break from Facebook. I determined a break of one week and as previously reported, it proved harder than I thought it would be. But as I progressed through the week I learned some things. (None of which were earth shattering, monumental or life changing.)

1.  Life goes on with or without a Facebook connection. (shocking, I know!)

2.  I don't need to know everything that is happening. (translation: it's not about me)

3. No one really missed me (well that's always an ego-buster but humbling can be good for the soul) 

4. There were plenty of other things to do (and instagram/twitter/scrabble, were not on the list)

But probably the most important was this:

5. That it wasn't so much about fasting from something, it was really more about examining the condition of my heart. 

How'd I do? I wish I could say that I used all the time I wasn't engaged in social media to read my bible, pray more, preach the gospel, or save the world but honestly? My week was pretty much the same as it always was, just without any status updates to support that.

I wanted the time away to re-prioritize but upon a closer look, I learned my priorities are in pretty good shape. That was affirming in its own way but then… a couple of days before my self-imposed fast ended, I "cheated.”

I belong to a monthly photo challenge group (on Facebook) where each day we post a picture according to the daily prompt. I really wanted to participate in that and had missed out on several days. So, fast or no fast, I logged in to share my picture for that day. There I found a private message from someone else in the photo challenge group, someone I had never met. Her message in a nutshell, said she wanted me to know that she saw my life on Facebook as a witness and a testimony. She said because of my Facebook posts, she'd learned of my blog and read a couple of posts here that truly blessed her. She shared some things about her life and why my blog posts had spoken to her heart. I cannot tell you what a gift that was!

On my sidebar, you might notice a verse from Acts 20.24.  But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus; the work of telling others the good news about God’s kindness and love. Acts 20.24  This verse serves as my mission statement in regards to my writing. 

When I read this dear woman’s message, I felt like I had gotten a little postcard from God, confirming that what I do with my writing wasn't being wasted. I felt humbled that God could use me, to use my writing to minister to anyone.

So, the Facebook Fast wasn't earth shattering, monumental, or even life changing. But it was worth it.