What Am I Doing?

Life's been pretty busy between building my new jewelry business, working part time at the bookstore, watching my grandsons one day a week, and keeping the home fires burning. Not to mention, the writing group I co-facilitate and the book project we are working on there. Then my former self-employed hubby has picked up a side job as project manager for a new restaurant set to open sometime this summer and that has me running errands again. Yes, life is a little busy. I don't have time for depression or anxiety or fibromyalgia to interfere with things. But it does. 

With my husband leaving the house an hour earlier most mornings, I find myself stumbling around, coffee cup in hand, feeling sleep deprived and out of sorts. When I give in to the lure of the still warm rumpled blankets on the bed and crawl under them I find the delicious cocoon my mind and body craves. I doze and awaken to sunshine sneaking through the cracks of the curtain, or the sounds of raindrops splattering against the windows. Sleep cycle disrupted again I struggle the rest of the day to find my rhythm. It's frustrating. Walking daily seems like a distant memory, something someone did a long time ago but I can't remember who or why. I force myself to push past fibro-pain, cloudy thinking and loss of passion for most things. People annoy me and the thought of engaging in conversation is so overwhelming I can't even ....

I lay on my bed a lot and flick aimlessly through apps on my phone.I ask myself if I need to talk to the doctor about changing my anti-depressant or do something different.  It's worrisome. 

But on the mornings when things seem to fall into place and I do find my rhythm it's glorious! I stay awake, I throw a load of laundry in the wash and scrub down the counters and swoosh a mop across the floors. I go for a walk and I snap pictures left and right of everything I see. I breathe deep and I listen for cues that nudge me here or there. I work my business and study to make it better. I go to work with a smile and energy. I have my list of things to do and I knock it out of the park. I think "life is amazing and so am I". And at the end of the day I wonder what made it different from the day before? 

Depression is a thief. It steals my joy, my energy, my creativity. Anxiety is a rope that ties me to a chair and holds me prisoner in my room. Physical pain is crippling and only feeds my depression more. In those darkest moments I seek out the Psalms and feel David's anguish as he pours out his soul. 

These things I remember as I pour out my soul... Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. 

Character, Not Comfort

uphill both ways?

She's got a new boss at work who just happens to be BFF's with her worst enemy and now her once perfect job is causing acid producing knot twisting action in her stomach not knowing if this will jeopardize her job or not.

After several good years of getting a nice chunk of change back on his tax returns, it's been turned around... and the amount due next month is heavy. He has no idea where the funds will come from.

They are behind again on their mortgage and the dunning notices are piling up. 

He's been out of work for 6 months and the doors just keep closing.

She has excruciating pain in her teeth, no dental insurance and on top of that she is terrified of dentists.

The car wouldn't start this morning and he had a very important meeting to get to. 

I could go on and on....

Any one of those scenarios could be or has been something I've lived through in the past several years. Sometimes I pull my hair in utter frustration, wondering if life is ever going to get easier. And then, I listened in rapt attention last night as a dear missionary friend shared a hair raising tale of being held up at gunpoint while on the mission field, and then went on to tell of the horrible road trip they took, where if anything could go wrong, it did. He said at each break down, at each set back, at each delay, they prayed for their situation and shortly there after found help in one form or another. But he asked God "why did you allow all these mishaps to happen in the first place, Lord. I mean, here I am doing Your work and I thought you would protect me, bless me, make straight my path."

sometimes life just feels like an uphill battle

And God replied, "I'm more interested in building your character, your faith, than providing you with comfort."

Oh, isn't that the way it works? We pray for patience and instead of being automatically gifted with the ability to endure and accept all things, we are given plenty of opportunities to practice patience. We ask for our faith to be increased and suddenly all kinds of things start happening that scare us to death, or threaten our security in some way. Instead of quick easy solutions we're given faith building exercises.

Sometimes I don't like the way God thinks. I want Him to think MY WAY. I want His plans to fall in with mine, instead of submitting to His will for my life. Sometimes I just want things to be comfortable. Is that too much to ask? I don't want much... just a steady income so we can pay our bills on time and lower our debt ratio. I want to be able to enjoy dinner out once in awhile, or at least go for a cup of coffee with a friend. Cars that run smoothly, tools that don't break, pantries that never empty. Yet time and time again, I stare at bare cupboards. I twist the checkbook nervously in my hands as I weigh the balance against the pile of bills on the desk. Every time the car makes a funny noise my stomach does a flip and not in a good way. When more than a couple of days pass of my husband being off work, the panic rises inside me.

I don't like living this way. I want to live comfortably. Yet I can sense God telling me the same thing He told our friend.

Jesus said. "In this world you will have trouble."*

 Oh. Gee. Thanks.

"But take heart, for I have overcome the world!"

oh. o.k. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind." emphasizes James.*

Joy? Really? And not just joy but Pure Joy? 

"for you know when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow."

I've grown, really I have. I've groaned too. Haven't I arrived yet?  

"So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

oh. o.k. 




I get tired, but I understand. I have a choice. I can sit there and feel sorry for myself, wallow in self pity, and grouse about how nobody  loves me, how hard my life is and it feels like God's just picking on me. Or, I can persevere. I can keep on keeping on, knowing that I won't walk alone. He does give me plenty of opportunities to practice what I say I believe and He also promises He will help me.

I pick up my sad dragging little behind and plod forward as I should. And in the first step, He gives me grace.



















*John 16:33
*James 1:2-4