PAID IN FULL

A HUGE burden was lifted from my shoulders yesterday. So huge, in fact, that I think I will be experiencing the feeling of lightness for weeks to come, perhaps even months.

Just a little over 20 years ago a judgement was handed down as part of my divorce. At the time the amount decreed my responsibility seemed insurmountable, given the fact I was a single mom, working in a minimum wage job. The monthly pay arrangements that my lawyer was able to negotiate were ridiculous low, for which I was grateful, yet the amount of time it would take to pay off the debt, was overwhelming. This debt would be with me for a long time. Think home mortgage long. Adding to this burden was the feeling of injustice, given the facts. As you may know, in my first marriage I lived through a tidal wave of abuse and was forced to go along with things that went deeply against my moral compass and my spiritual beliefs. I truly felt at the time that I had no choice but to go along with whatever crooked scheme my ex had concocted and now as a result, there were debts and transgressions in my name. Debts which I was now saddled with repaying, transgressions that were mine to try and repair.

Right about the time this judgement was given, a new face entered the picture. Yes, the love of my life. I remember the night when shortly after I realized we were heading down the path of seriousness, I felt it was time for full disclosure. I was SCARED TO DEATH to tell him about this giant financial burden I carried, because I knew if we did marry, which indeed it seemed was the direction we were heading, it was a burden that would also impact him. To be honest, he was taken back-- quite a lot, if the expression on his face meant anything-- but he has always had a gracious, forgiving and compassionate nature and so with the best understanding he could muster he said we'd face this together. Ah, bless this man. BLESS this man!!

(aside note: at the risk of mushiness, I just have to give GIANT KUDO's to the man God has seen fit to bless me with. He is indeed the peanut butter to my jelly. The blue in my sky... the... well, you get the picture...)

SO. As I was saying.... 20 years ago a judgement was handed down and every month for the last 20 years I have dutifully made a payment. Some times I was able to increase the monthly set amount, some months it was a struggle to come up with the minimum. For 20 years this judgement, which has always been about more than just the money, has been a part of my life. I would write the check and send that payment off knowing the debt was being chinked away, a little at a time, and I would try to not think about the whys and the therefore's but it was always, always present. Hidden in the shadows maybe, but there none the less.

I made peace with it to a certain degree over time, as God was restoring all the broken places in my heart, mind and soul. First, I had to face my part in all of it. I was a rebellious teen who ran away from home, dated the boy my parents forbid me to, lied and finagled my way to be with him. I had to admit that no one forced me to marry him. I may have felt I had no choice in many things in my life during the marriage but I did have to own up and take responsibility for my actions. I had to forgive myself for the wrongs I did, whether it was of my own volition or something forced upon me. And I had to forgive my ex for the things he put me through. Those things were instrumental in healing and achieving a certain sense of freedom.

We live in a society where debt is common place. We take out loans and mortgages and have credit cards for all the things we want NOW but can't afford. What's one more bill to pay? But this was a bill that was attached to a bitter, shameful past. If I am honest, each month, when I allowed myself to think about what that payment represented, the old hurts would rise up and I would once again have to wrestle with forgiveness and letting go.

But, as I was saying, a HUGE burden was lifted yesterday. I opened my mailbox and found the official document proclaiming my debt PAID IN FULL, the judgement satisfied. I pressed that letter to my chest and let the tears flow. Tears of sorrow for the past, tears of rejoicing for the present and tears of hope for the future. Like I said, I am sure I will be experiencing feelings of lightness for some time to come.

Can I just take another moment to say that this feeling is but a small drop in the bucket compared to the enormous feelings of joy knowing my sins have been forgiven. That Christ PAID THE DEBT IN FULL, when He died for me. That He satisfied the judgement against me once and for all. I am FREE. In Jesus Christ, I am FREE.

Reflections

Meet Bossy, Hossy, Saucy and Flossy. Everyone knows Thumbkin.

Several years ago my sweet niece gifted me with these ADORABLE fun winter gloves. I just love them and must admit to seeing raised eyebrows when people see what my fingers are sporting! But hey, I love to play and I love to have fun--- and I don't mind a strange look or two!

I think that is truly something to celebrate... when we reach that time in our lives when we can laugh at ourselves. Not take ourselves too seriously. Being ME and being comfortable in that. That's a gift!

In high school I watched from the sidelines as the popular girls flirted with the jocks, never dreaming they might have had just as many insecurities as I did. They had the looks, the hair, the wardrobe and the personality. It seemed like they had it all. And what did I have? A flat chest, a sad wardrobe, acne, strict parents, bad hair days every day and no idea how to act if a popular boy was to ever give me the time of day!

mooooving and grooooving.  it was theme day at work...

I think going to my high school class reunion last year (35 years) really helped cement the fact that we are all just people trying to live our lives as best we can. We were all struggling in high school to figure out this thing called life and some of us seemed to have a better handle on it then others. Or maybe just faked it better.

I think the first time I looked in my mirror and liked who I saw was when  I was approaching my mid-30's. I saw a clear smooth complexion, curves in the right place, cute clothes to enhance the curves and a much more flattering hair style. I knew more about how to wear make up and not look made up. I was gaining confidence as woman and that went deeper than what I saw looking back from the mirror at me.

goofing off while on vacation

The first time I let my sweetie see me without make up, sporting a bed-head and desperate for coffee was a major step. But the first time I went on a church retreat and let the people in my small group see me sans make up, sporting a bed-head and desperate  for coffee was the moment I knew I had arrived.

what do you call a lack of coffee? Depresso....

I have trembled slightly when I have written the number "55"... it's kind of a big deal you know? BUT I remember feeling like I was OLD when I turned 25 and my first born started kindergarten and my sister remarked that I was a 1/4 of a century old. (thanks sis!) All the subsequent birthdays have rolled by with ease... at 40 years of age I was happily (re)married, working in a job I took great pride in, growing deeper in my relationship with Jesus and loving my life. I did not flinch over my age but happily agreed with the gal in the mirror that I looked as good as I felt. (lest you think I brag, let me assure you, I looked good BECAUSE I felt good and that inner glow makes all the difference)

well, hello there!

At 50, I took stock in my life, assessed the damage that fifty years of good (and bad) living had done and decided that perhaps the bloom on the rose was starting to -- uh--- droop just a tad. Gravity was having it's way, whether I owned a fitness center or not!! Hot flashes, love handles, and some unsightly gray (can't even call them silver-- they were definitely gray) hairs cropping up, were all just par for the course. Still, in spite of those things I realized there were much more important things to focus on; relationships being #1.

I think my relationship with God really moved into a much deeper priority by then and it saddens me to think that it took that many years to place Him that high up the ladder. Yes, I have been a believer since I was 9 years old but I didn't really think about how He might have plans for my life and I might want to consult Him on those plans from time to time. (I realize Moses was in his 80's before God brought him into the ultimate purpose his life was designed for but I think I caught on earlier than that!!)

A few years ago I asked God to help me see myself as He sees me and while I know I still have a ways to go in this, I realize now, I always will. But the confidence with which I pursue life these days comes not just from the life experiences I  survived, but from understanding and believing that I truly am a Child of God; redeemed, forgiven, washed clean, sanctified, set apart and chosen.

So, here comes 55 and I think I am ready. I recently lost 25 lbs and this is the least I have weighed in about 20 years. I am walking 3-4 miles almost every day and reaping the benefits of  good physical exercise. I got my hair cut and colored today and feel vibrant and sassy.

the price we pay for beauty...

On the outside, the bloom may be coming off the rose, but inside.... inside, I know my purpose in life --as a writer, as a woman, as a wife, and I love each and every aspect of those roles. God still has a plan for my life. And I am determined, by His Grace, to know it and live it.

for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, plans to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29.11

Moving On, Moving Forward

I found this awesome quote the other day by Monique Duval and I just loved it so much I decided to share it... both on my facebook page and here:

She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” in the sky.” 

I feel like this quote describes my life from the moment I stepped into the path of healing and seeking wholeness and learning who I really am, as a woman, as a contributor to society and most importantly as a child of God.

Life is a constant and the only thing we can count on staying the same is change. We have to be ready for it. Change is something many of us really, and I mean, REALLY struggle with but yet is is what keeps life exciting. We do not live static lives. 

I am ready for change. I am nervous, facing another unknown but I have faith that God will guide and protect me. I don't know what will happen or when, just that it is time. I gave my 2 weeks notice at work this week and while I am filled with questions over this choice, (am I doing the right thing? what will happen now?) I know that once I reached the decision, there was a peace that descended that helps balance out those fears. 

It has been so gratifying to hear the responses from my boss and co-workers, expressing sadness over my decision to leave but they also understand that this is something I am choosing to do because I need to take care of myself, not because I am unhappy in my job.

Funny how peace and anxiety can co-exist. For as always, when we choose to move to someplace else in life, there are those moments of questioning and wondering and second guessing ourselves  Even when I have felt 100% sure of a decision and know I will not be looking back, there comes a whisper in the recesses of my mind, checking to see if I have any doubts. I still look back on my days of owning my business and wondering if I bailed to soon or if I could have handled things differently. But then I see this quote and I am filled with delight as the sense of freedom rises in me and makes me indeed want to dance and write a new language!

I am looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be, knowing that the God who holds me in the palm of His hand will continue to guide and protect me, stretch me perhaps, a bit more than I think I can go, but protecting me nonetheless.

He will do the same for you if you let him.

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

In my last post, I asked myself WHY, if God is so great, He isn't enough for me. What are the things that distract me from making Him my main focus? What is it about those 'other things' that convince me to pursue them instead of finding the fullness of Christ? 

I love the old hymn, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"  but one verse in particular seers my heart with fresh pain when I stop and examine the words and see them play out in my life. 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!

I am so indebted to God's Grace in my life. The word 'constrained' means to be limited, held back, or hindered. I am limited or hindered in my ability to take in the greatness of what God did for me! Perhaps this is in part due to being raised in a Christian environment, asking Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old. I don't have a Gutter to Gospel testimony about being saved from the ravages of life. Sure, I have wandered off the path but I have never forsaken my faith. So, perhaps I have become  a bit lethargic over the years, complacent in my beliefs, lukewarm in my love and passion for Jesus. Perhaps I have grown desensitized to the overwhelming greatness of God's love and sacrifice. This is a tragedy! I don't want to feel cold and apathetic when it comes to God's Love!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

The word 'fetter' means chain, or shackle. To tie up. To have my wandering heart shackled to the goodness of God. What a powerful image. Nobody likes to think about being chained, I'm sure. I remember my mother made a vest for my little brother when he was around 2 or 3. It buttoned down the back and it had an O ring on it. From this she snapped a long light weight rope and attached it to a clothes line that ran the length of our side yard from tree to tree. While she worked in the garden she would tether my little brother to this line and would be able to turn her back on him, allowing him to roam freely as far as the line would allow. She didn't have to worry about him wandering into the roadway, or the cow pasture or anywhere else danger lurked. I used the same thing on my son when he was small. It allowed them freedom in that they could play unhindered to the extent that they were also free from any hazards . I guess I would like my heart to be fettered to God. Shackle me so that I can explore life in the safety net of Christ. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Such an ironic desire. I've been Unshackled from sin and the penalty of sin, which is death, set free to live a life of fullness yet here I am asking to be shackled again only this time to give me more fullness of life. Because I am prone to wandering. I get off the path of righteousness over and over again. I mentioned in my previous post my penchant for overspending. Yes, God set me free from this "addiction" but the danger of falling back into it is always present. I still love to shop---  it's not called retail THERAPY for nothing-- so it becomes really easy to slip into the danger zone. I have to practice restraint. I have to set limits for myself. Even simple things like getting groceries requires me to be disciplined and prayerful. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.... prone to leave the God I love.... yes that's me.... over and over and over again. I am properly chagrined when I examine my actions and even my thoughts.

 Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.... 

To seal something in biblical times was to guarantee it. In 2 Corinthians 1:22, it talks about how Christ put his seal of ownership on us, identifying us as His own: and he has identified us (set his seal of ownership) as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.

And what has He promised us? Eternal life. Sealing it for those courts above. 

So, as I go about my days, and each one will bring more striving and failures as that is the way with my human nature, I will also strive forward, for more of God, less of me. 

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing written by Robert Robinson. You can read a little bit about him and his story here

A Big Sigh

and a glass of wine...

I'm sipping and watching the sunset out my back door, after another glorious day of summer weather in the month everyone thinks of as the beginning of fall. Ha, ha-- Mother Nature fools us once again! I love September! We often get the best weather during this month and I am fully aware that the official first day of Autumn is on Saturday. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THIS MONTH!

It's Wednesday which means it was my Mom-day. That always evokes a BIG SIGH out of me once I get home. Today we ran a few errands --both her's and mine. Her's included a trip to the bank and an appointment at her hair salon. Oh, and of course, Zoom Zoom Espresso. Decaf, Soy, Sugar Free Vanilla. All the baristas know her on sight and have her drink memorized. That's nice. She get's a 16 oz every other day. She only drinks half of it and saves the other half for the next afternoon. I kid you not. Hey, we're talking the Queen of Frugal.

Another big sigh squeaked out of me as I posted the final chapter of Broken Places on This Robyn's Nest this evening. 46 chapters plus an epilogue. It took a lot out of me when I first wrote this story. The rewrite has been kinder, but still I tend to read/write the accounts of abuse (fictionalized but based on fact none-the-less) in a zone. Thank God, really, for the healing He has done in my life!! And continues to do. Sharing this story has been powerful and I pray for more power to be released as women stumble across that blog and read about the freedom Christ alone can give!

It's been a heavy week; losing our friend Michael and grieving along with his wife and children. The memorial will be this Saturday. I believe it will be a time of celebration despite the heavy hearts. Michael is no longer battling cancer-- he is healed and free!! I imagine we will be doing a lot of crying along with rejoicing when we gather this weekend. Michael was a talented songwriter/singer and I have about worn out his CD this week playing it over and over again.

On the job front, I believe I jumped through the final hoop as the Doctor signed off on my health and faxed the appropriate paperwork to the Occupational Health Division of the USPS. Whoo Hoo!! I might actually get a start date?!! It's only been since the end of June that I began this process. I'm impressed with myself, LOL.

So, deep sighs,  from feeling accomplished, feeling tired and feeling sorrow mixed with joy.

You Just Have to Laugh

They say laughing is like aerobics for our insides. I love to laugh. 

I love to feel my insides jiggle and jog and I giggle and snort.

 I am blessed to be married to a man who makes me laugh... 

even when I'm grumpy, tired, or, angry. I mean, look at this face---

just the fact that he would willingly hop in the cart and ride the wild pony ride with me says a lot, but the man totally gets into it!! It reminds me of a time we were vacationing on Lopez Island and we stopped to explore a sweet little church perched a top a hill... and the hill was so perfectly sloped for rolling down that to not roll down it would have been a sin, and who wants to sin in a church yard for heaven's sake?! I said "Let's roll down the hill!" and I really didn't expect or even think he WOULD but he DID. I chuckle just thinking about that day.... (and I wish I had pictures.....)

Well, this has been a week where laughter has saved me. So many things have gone awry. Or not come to fruition. We've been handed some disappointments and frustrations. Faced some uncertainties and been a little afraid. Not that this is anything NEW. Not in our life anyway. Welcome to the New Normal it would seem, to have life be so upside-down. So whaddaya gonna do? It's much better to laugh about it than to stay home and pout. Pity Parties are NOT ALLOWED.

I will admit that I struggle often with self image or self confidence. Too often I have let people or circumstances define me. Finding my self worth in the eyes of other people is dangerous. What if they don't like what I am wearing? What if they don't like ME? During my school years I was defined by the circle of friends I had or did not have. During my 1st marriage I let his abusive behavior define me. I struggled hard to find things to laugh about, believing it was easier to laugh than to cry. And I had learned early on that being a sort of clown gave me some control over how people responded to me. Much better to have them laughing at me because I was funny, then to laugh at me because I was a freak!

As my husband and I were driving to a family function the other day we both admitted to the stress we were feeling before we even arrived, knowing certain people would be present. People who often make us feel like we are gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe. And I was reminded of that quote attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt about how no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. We started thinking about whether or not we'd been giving people permission to treat us as inferior.... really examining that, and we decided we needed to be more pro-active about not letting this happen.

Ultimately my identity is found in Jesus Christ. I've been redeemed, washed clean, set apart and made whole, holy and blameless as I stand before His Throne of Grace. I need to remind myself of this daily, moment by moment some days. I was quiet that day at the family gathering, preferring to sit and observe and every time the little nagging voice of low self esteem whispered an assault, I was quick to kick it to the curb with the sacred reminder that THAT was NOT who I was. I am accepted. I am secure. I am significant. I am free. It was amazing what reminding myself of this did for me! I felt peace in the day and I found much to laugh about too.

I am really always trying to see my glass as half full. 

I think I do a pretty good job. Yes, I fail occasionally. 

That's what the wine is for. 

Dance a Little Jig!

I PASSED MY EXAM!!!!!

I have to say, yesterday started out really stressful. I was anxious about the drive to the testing center, since I had never been there before. Driving AND map reading at the same time are about as safe as texting while driving. I always read the map for the driver which is usually my husband! Still, I found the place in record time and sat in the parking lot for about 30 minutes reading a book-- NOT the postal workers exam book-- just a good book, to calm myself. Then at the appointed time I went in, took my test and drove home. No WORRIES!! The facilitator at the testing site said I'd be notified by email as to how I did and would probably even hear by the end of the day. Sure enough, when I checked my email later that afternoon, there was a confirmation from the USPS that I ACED MY TEST. SWEEEEEEETTTT!!!!!

To celebrate last night, I sat on my back deck, in my favorite sling back deck chair, with a plate of cheese and grapes and fresh picked strawberries from my little strawberry patch, and a nice glass of wine; Chateau St. Michelle, Harvest Sweet Riesling. Yah, been saving that baby for just such an occasion!! Hubby was at a men's gathering from church so had to celebrate all over again once he finally got home. ;)

I was so jazzed about passing, because up until that moment, I think I'd been pretty nonchalant about the whole job opportunity. If I get it, I get it, if I don't I don't sort of thing. And I drove home from the test thinking 'there's no way I passed that thing-- I totally failed on the memorization part' but HA HA that was not the case. Even if I don't get the position I applied for, it's a feather in my cap, personally speaking, for one more thing I went after and succeeded in!

I still remember the fear and trembling with which I approached getting my CDL so I could drive school bus. And the exuberant jubilation I felt after I passed that test! I count these things as milestones in my life. achievements earned that say "I CAN".  I guess there is still a part of me--- a small, wee, tiny part-- but a part no less-- that whispers on occasion "you are a screw up. you suck. no one wants you"
Now, I know that's just the enemy talking and the seeds he planted a long time ago went deep. They were cultivated through abusive experiences and festered for a long long time. Thank God, thank God, for setting me free from that-- from eradicating those ugly seeds from my life and bringing healing!! Still, every once in awhile, like a phantom pain, those scars from the wound act up. shame on me for letting that happen.

But last night was all about celebrating!! And thanking God for this new experience. For giving me the strength and confidence I needed to go after it and for helping me succeed! I have no qualms about the position I applied for because I know God's got this covered.

Today I take my mom for a doctor appointment, (the foot doctor) so that means afterwards, we will get pedicures. whoot whoot! Lunch will be on the agenda plus a sweet friend with a bounty of raspberries has invited us to come and harvest a few bushes. And if we are not too exhausted after all that, hubby said "Come out to the lake and see where I'm working". It's another gorgeous day in Whatcom County and a drive along Lake Whatcom would be splendid. Not to mention the view at the lake and the houses being built out there.

A full day ahead!!  Be blessed and be a blessing.

Kony 2012

 Maybe you've seen this on facebook, or the news. But it's important to share this and I am doing my part to bring about awareness of the horrors this man perpetrates as leader of the LRA. Please watch. Please share. Please consider how else you might support this movement.  Thank you. 



KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.

Wild at Heart. It's a guy thing...

He just left. Backpack and camping gear in the cargo area, gas in the tank, music cranked and a giddy smile on his face. That's my man. 4 days with the boys in High Country somewhere in the wilderness of Central Washington. For 4 days and 3 nights they will cook over a fire (ok, a gas cook stove) sleep under the stars (or a tent) and explore new territory. He will come home Wed. evening, grubby, sunburnt and as giddy as when he left. It's a guy thing.

some where out there....

I love camping, but I want a comfortable, warm bed, under a dry roof and something sturdy between me and the wild animals and reptiles that may chose to visit in the night. And that's okay. We're taking that trip next week. But this wilderness adventure has become an annual event. He and some of his buddies plan this trip for months. Actually, they are often planning the next trip while they are coming home from the present one. 

I love that he does this. Really. While it is true that I feel an uncomfortable twist in my gut as he closes the hatch on his gear, and my heart flips as he gathers me close for the good bye hug and kiss, I can't say "don't go." I wouldn't want to. He needs this time, with the guys, away from the rat race, away from the phone and internet and work load.

I read  "Wild at heart"by John Eldridge (after Bruce did)  and I fully support Bruce's need for these times. Because every man was once a little boy, full of big dreams. fighting dragons and beating the bad guys. (even rescuing the pretty damsel in distress) Then they grow up and start the day to day battle of bringing home a paycheck and keeping the little woman happy. It's pretty taming stuff. Men need these adventurous times to keep the fire inside them alive. I'm sorry to say that we women want to domesticate our men, as does the church, and the masculine heart  God designed them with can suffer.

But this isn't sermon time. I'm just going on record as saying I fully approve of my husband's trek into the wilderness with his other Christian friends. Because, besides the grubby attire and the giddy smile, he'll also return to me with a rekindled passion for life. and that's something that is not just a guy thing...

Defining Moments

"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: 
find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."

~Anthony Robbins

 
This morning, with the sunshine gloriously streaming through the windows, my husband waiting on me (for a change) so we could leave for church, I whirled through my morning routine of 'what to wear today.' I wanted to wear a skirt; I chose my black and white floral patterned one. I grabbed a tank top but it felt too skimpy for church. I looked for my lime green t-shirt-- love the way it 'pops' with the black and white. Alas the green T was in the wash. My next choice was an orange V neck which I love. I just wasn't sure about the pairing but once I put it on I decided I liked it and now with hubby "A-hem-ing" at the bottom of the stairs, I didn't have time to change. I raced down to join him and away we went.

Why did I waver on wearing orange with black? I can tell you why; not 10 minutes after we arrived at church a friend commented that she liked that color (orange) on me and she would never be brave enough to pair orange and black because it seemed so 'halloweenish'
Aha! Exactly! That was the thought that flashed through my mind as I ran down the stairs.

Funny how we let certain situations (or people) define us. This same friend said she loves the color red and with a birthday on Valentines Day, she decided one year to buy herself this beautiful red dress. But when she put it on and came out of her room her mother said (and we can all hear our mom's voice on this one) "Your not wearing THAT are you?"
My friend took the red dress back to the store and exchanged it for something more sedate.

I wish we could all be brave enough to express ourselves. Appropriately of course. But so often we let what other people think define us. We shouldn't wear that, or we should wear this.

My mom made a lot of my clothes for me when I was in grade school. And I remember one time choosing this very FUN material-- it was actually kinda crazy-- all sorts of primary colors and it had cheery little graphics on it-- pigs and balloons and !! exclamation points. it was kind of a down on the farm -mod squad-Laugh In combo and I thought it was awesome! The outfit was a 2 piece; top and bottoms. I couldn't wait for Mom to finish it so I could wear it to school.

I wore it once.

Why? Well, because the very first day I wore it, some snotty little classmate laughed at me and my outrageous outfit. And suddenly I saw how ridiculous the material was. When I got home I shoved the outfit in the back of my closet and never wore it again.

As a grown up, I decided not to let others influence me this way. One day, while thrift shopping I found these very cute pants. They were made up of many different squares of silk-- each a different color and pattern. They looked ethnic. I fell in love with them on the spot and bought them. And I wore them a lot.

Until one day one of my closest friends, upon seeing me in them for her first time, blurted "Those are the most god-awful things I've ever seen! I can't believe you are wearing them!!"  I felt the smile freeze on my face as I choked back a retort.

I kept them in my closet for another couple of years, pulling them out every so often and wearing them around the house but when it was time to leave, changing into something less bold. Finally, I sent them on to the consignment store.

I like bold colors. I like pastels. I go through clothes as my mood changes. Bright primary colors in the summer and fall, pastels in the spring and a lot of black in the winter. And sometimes I like to wear something with a little 'pop' to it.

One of the oldest friends I have (and by old I mean, length of time not age) initiated a friendship with me because she saw me wearing my red Ked's and thought anyone who wears red shoes has to be a lot of fun!

I look at my mom, wearing her sock monkey slipper on her good foot and I understand where I get my streak of creativity. I may tone things down from time to time because the situation calls for it but underneath my sedate black sweater I might just be wearing a fire engine red bra or a polka dotted one. I might change my clothes a dozen time before meeting a friend for coffee, finally settling on the safe paring of blue jeans and white t-shirt rather than being brave enough to wear a leopard print negligee under a pink cardigan.

I wrestle with these moments. I should be confident enough by now to wear what feels good and get rid of anything that smacks of boring. I should feel free to ask the spa attendant to paint my toenails all a different color for once. I should get up and karaoke next time I have the chance.

Life is too short and to important to let those defining moments hold us captive. Defining moments should instead be about being set free.

Spread your wings today and write your own definition!

FREEDOM!

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! 

2 Corinthians 3 .17

It is for freedom Christ set us free. 

Galatians 5.1

...Live under the freedom of God's grace... 

Romans 6.14

July 4th 1776~~ a great day in history for America.

AD 30 (approx) ~~ the greatest day in history for all mankind. Christ died and rose from the dead-- defeating death and sin-- and giving us the ultimate gift of freedom in Christ.

May 8, 1967,  age 9, the day I asked Jesus into my heart... and a life time of learning began, that only in Christ and dependance on Him, do I experience independence!!

FREEDOM!!

 

Please Re-leash me....

Does anyone remember this old old country song... "please release me, let me go.... I don't love you anymore..." wow, it was sad but what country song wasn't?

I have a feeling this is what Toddy would be singing if cat's could sing. Between the cast/splint on his little leg and being confined to the bedroom or a a leash, he is already giving me these looks that say "seriously? I can't just go free?"

Well, Toddy, you could. but it wouldn't be good for you. You need the structure and confines to help you heal.

As if he really understands me when I say this.

I watch him shake his leg thinking he will rid himself of the splint. When the bedroom door is closed he goes repeatedly up to it meowing and clawing at it thinking this time the door will open. When he is in the halter and on a leash-- allowing him to enjoy the fresh air on the back deck and yet still be limited in how far he can wander-- he pulls to the end of the leash, straining, then flops on his side disgusted... rests and tries again.

I watch him with a rueful smile and shake my head but truthfully I am no smarter than my cat when it comes to sin and trying to walk in the path of righteousness. I commit the same sin over and over again-- plus a lot of other ones!! I resolve that I am not going to do 'that' again and what happens? I walk the right path for a time.... and soon find myself right back in the ditch of my old ways.

God, you must get so weary of watching me struggle with this over and over again. Yet each time I come to you sorry and seeking your forgiveness what do you do but gather me in your arms and give me the mercy I so need but also do not deserve.

This morning I was reading 1 John 1. If we say we have fellowship with God but continue to dwell in darkness, we deceive ourselves. (paraphrase mine) And I think I also deceive myself every time I think I can get back on the right path and stay there.

I can't. Not in my own strength.

I think if I was really smart I would appreciate having a halter and a leash on me, to keep me from going too far in the wrong direction. Well, in some respects I do have a halter and a leash... I have God's Word to guide me and the Holy Spirit to convict and correct me.

Eventually Toddy will get the splint removed from his leg and my mom will get the cast removed from hers. They will be able to walk with little or no restrictions. I know they will both be pleased about that! Eventually I will live in a place where sin has no reign and I will never wander into darkness again. But until that day...

God, please re-leash me, don't let me go.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Well, okay, so it's actually Sunday afternoon by the time I finally sit down to write this. But it was beautiful up on the mountain this morning.

When I say 'up on the mountain' on a Sunday, I am actually referring to worship at the Kendall CTK campus. We love being there and love the people and the spirit of worship we can feel. Alive and free and full of energy and love and joy bubbling over! It is amazing to see, feel, experience!

We were doubly blessed this day because a dear friend went with us; his first visit to this church and I think he really enjoyed it. I meet a couple of new people today, who were visiting as well.

One of the fun things that has been occurring for me the last few weeks at this church is that I keep meeting people who are the same age as my son, who were friends with him when he was in his late teens. It gives me hope and joy when I see these 'kids' who have turned their lives over to Jesus. I pray that someone in Alabama will be Jesus to my son and be an encourager to him and as a result, he will be able to make peace and reconciliation with others. That would include me.

I don't talk about my relationship with my kids all that much, especially my son, because, one, it is painful to talk about, and two, I want to respect their lives by keeping things private. But, I would welcome prayers if you are so inclined. Prayers for healing and forgiveness and peace to come to my son. I hope that someday soon he and I would be able to meet face to face and celebrate together the life and family he has created.

My relationship with my parents was fraught with tension and hurts but I am so glad, so blessed for the healing God did in my heart before my father passed away. I am forever grateful for the fact that I was able to tell him I loved him and accept his "I love you" back. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing and I think sometimes we underestimate how freeing it is, how it plays such an integral part in healing and wholeness.

With Resurrection weekend approaching, I look at the Cross and the amazing sacrifice Jesus made for all of us so that we could experience forgiveness. It is too awesome, too wondrous for words. But each time I am able to offer forgiveness to someone who has wronged me, I get a very, very, very, small taste of what took place that day at Calvary. And as small as it is, it is still incredibly  powerful. Then I think: how much more is the gift that Jesus gave to each of us!

My prayer as we enter Holy Week, is for each one to know Jesus, the price that He paid for our sins, the forgiveness and wholeness He offers and the joy that new life in Him brings.

~ Peace and Blessings to all.

Boundaries and Limits

Today I brought my kitty Toddy home from the animal hospital where he spent the weekend after an infection hit him fast and he needed a little procedure done to fix it. He is soooo happy to be home, I can tell but the vet recommends he stay inside for a few more days, partly so I can monitor his 'business' and make sure everything is working right.

Well, Toddy has always been an indoor-outdoor cat with free reign over his pet door. He is NOT happy to have this privilege taken away. His meOW of pain has been replaced with a MEow of indignation. He sits at the patio door and looks outs, tail twitching and cast looks at me that tell me just how wrong this is. I am sure he also does not appreciate me following him to the bathroom where his litter box is so I can make sure his 'business' is working.

He has a little bit of what we call around here : Catitude.

"Toddy, this is for your own good. I want you safe." I say, pretending he can understand me. He meows some more and rubs against my leg, his big green eyes begging me for freedom. sigh.


I suppose I do my share of whining for for things that I think I want/need that really probably are not the best for me. And I am sure my Heavenly Father says 'Robyn, this is for your own good. I want you safe."

I really want to not give God anymore attitude. Toddy has finally accepted the situation for tonight and has made himself very comfortable in front of the fire. So, if my little cat can make peace with the limitations set for him, I guess I can too.

UNSTUCK!

There have been things in my past that have had a negative hold on me, keeping me from fully embracing spiritual adoption. But, I purpose, in the power of the Holy Spirit, from this day forward, to believe that EVERYTHING in my past, my present and my future, is for HIS glorious purpose.

Being Transformed by TRUTH

Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free... John 8.32

I would like to share something I recently learned at Dream Realization School about transformation. We hear so much about being transformed but it is a hard concept to fully grasp let alone implement. So I was excited to learn a process by which real transformation can take place as we claim the truth of what Jesus tells us.

the first step is
RECEIVING A REVELATION.
this would be something you receive from God. A word spoken perhaps as you read scripture or during prayer or something you come to understand as you listen to a sermon or other godly word. it may just strike you out of the blue as you are going along in life.. however it comes to you, it is something you understand to be a truth, a revelation that comes to you via the power of the Holy spirit.

next is
CONTEMPLATION
meditate on this revelation, think about it, pray about it....

you will probably then
WRESTLE WITH MIND, WILL AND EMOTIONS
as you work to understand it and process it and finally arrive at the point of...

CHOOSING TO BELIEVE....
(OR CHOOSING NOT TO BELIEVE
when we choose to not believe, this is where growth stops.... where the blessing God intended for you is stolen by satan.)

If you chose to BELIEVE then the next step is to
ACT ON THE COMMAND... STAND ON THE TRUTH (get out of the boat, walk on the water, live in faith )

once you do that then comes an
INITIAL BLESSING
we like those! BLESSING always follows obedience to God. Everytime we say yes to a revelation from God , He brings blessings... AND more revelations!

the next thing that takes place is seeing the
TRUTH REINFORCED.

this is followed by a time of
TESTING OF BELIEF
Sure as shooten', when you make a decision to be obedient to God you will be tested!

this is a crucial time just as choosing to believe was... because if the testing time damages or steals your belief... growth stops, blessings stop.... in other words you short circuit the works of God by not following the word of God.
but if you hang in there, hold on firm to that belief thru the time of testing then a great thing happens!

BELIEF BECOME CONVICTION
And, it's conviction-- not belief-- that changes you!

wow, this is followed by what...? Oooh!

MORE BLESSINGS VIA FAITH/OBEDIENCE
Obedience unlocks God's power!!

next...
CONVICTION DEEPENS; SHARED BY BLESSING OTHERS. 
when we truly believe... and are convicted by our belief, we can't help but share that with others! and when we do this, we also share our blessings.... which in turn blesses them!

REVELATION REINFORCED BY EXPERIENCE/TESTING.
ahh, its that testing time again but if you have hung in there during the first time of testing, you know you can do it again and as you do you grow and grow in the assurance and knowledge that God is in control. God is good. God is sovereign.  which again allows you to know...

GREAT BLESSINGS TO YOU AND OTHERS!

this unfolds in a
NEW RING OF GROWTH!

When our life experience outweighs what we know of God, what happens? We loose our footing, we loose our faith. We need to NOT base our theology on our life experiences. If I did that I would be a bitter, angry, fearful woman missing out on all kinds of growing opportunities! Instead, we need to base our understanding of life and God though His holy revelations.


Tune in next time when I will try to tell my own personal experience of seeing this ring of growth in my own life!


Blessed is the man who does not walk in the council of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the lay of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yield is fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. whatever he does prospers. Ps 1. 1-3

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 2 Corinthians 3:17

The ultimate freedom.

freedom from the chains that bind us... sin, guilt, shame, those chains that keep us from fully embracing the joys of life.

my chains are gone, I've been set free, my God, my Savior, has ransomed me.... unending love, amazing grace.

Last night we gathered with friends to celebrate Independence Day. We sang God Bless America together and said the pledge of allegiance together before offering up prayers of thanks for all of God's gifts to us. It was not something we do very often (sing patriotic songs and say the pledge together) but it seemed appropriate. fitting.

I couldn't help thinking however of some of my own independence days. the first one was May 1967, when I asked Jesus into my heart. Funny how depending on Him for my salvation yields me the most freedom.

My second day of freedom was Aug.29, 1991. After 15 years of suffering in silence at the hands of an abuser, I broke free. While it was not pretty or patriotic, or spiritual, it was still a victory for me. I never take what I have today for granted.

there have been other days of victory for me.... breaking free of shame and guilt, of lies and critical spirits that would hold me back from growing in my relationship with others and with Jesus. Overcoming strongholds, standing up for what is right and true and good.

As we stood last night, watching all the neighborhood kids running around with their sparklers, and I leaned back against my husband, safe and secure in his arms, I felt so incredibly grateful for my life. surrounded by dear friends, friends who keep me grounded, friends who love the Lord and encourage me to do the same, people who know my faults and weaknesses and love me just the same.... that brings a whole new level of meaning to the word 'freedom'.

Yes, where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom!

Last Sunday and today, we were prayed for in church as a blessing and commissioning before we leave on our trip. Last Sunday Pastor Dean was there and he brought us up to the front and prayed over us. Today it was Pastor Steve, and he invited anyone who wanted to come forward and lay hands on us and pray. What a sweet privilege to be blessed in this way. What an honor we have to be called to serve Christ.

I felt especially blessed today because my dear friend Sandy was among the people who came forward.  Sandy is such an example to me of what a woman lost in God looks like. Her whole face shines with the peace of Christ. Her spirit is sweet and her heart is true. I can only hope and pray that I can reflect even a small portion of that to the people I come in contact with.

Today's message was about Christ healing the hurts in us. What a testimony i can give to how the Holy Spirit has brought about healing in me.  I wrote on my facebook wall about feeling blessed, thankful healed and whole and only my Jesus can do that.  18-20 years ago, I would have never been able to say that.  I was so broken and crushed in spirit, so beaten down and full of pain... the walls I had so carefully constructed to protect myself I thought were firmly in place yet, the facade was just that-- a facade--  fragile and it so easily could crumble. Yet, look! Look where the Lord has brought me!  He made some thing beautiful of my life.... you know there's a song there....

(the Gaithers:) Something beautiful, something good, all my confusion, He understood, All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life.

Even 8-9 years ago, when we went on our first out of country missions trip to Costa Rica, I was a fearful, reluctant participant. I went, excited, but really in bondage from the fear and insecurities I carried.  I am still a little fearful over this trip, but the fear comes from a completely different place. Maybe calling it fear is even the wrong word. I have questions, I have concerns, i have wonders, I have nervousness and actually the fear is the good kind; the kind that comes from AWE...  not from something bad or wrong or evil.

But this time I am excited and looking forward to the experience, the chance to connect with women who have their own baggage of hurts and oppressions. An opportunity to love on them and share with them from the heart, that as daughters of the King of Kings, we are royalty, we are princesses. that there is hope in Christ. that we can be made whole. Healed and Whole.

MIke, one of the team members also shared in church this morning about the healing the Lord has done in his life. Awesome!  This trip is going to be so cool and the people we are traveling with are a part of that.

That Bruce and I get to experience this together is the best! I look over at him during church and my heart swells with the thrill and knowledge that we are in this together. (and here I am referring to the trip and having CTK in Deming)  Wow, its been  just an awesome awesome time and it's only the beginning!!  :)