Shaking Like A Leaf

I've been struggling.  I've never claimed to have it all together but it's often disappointing to be in this place again.

Depression has been sucking everything out of me. I'm sure it's partly related to the stress of our financial situation, with some physical issues added. The time change that brings darkness sooner isn't helping any. Then to top it off, when I try to pray, I've got nothing. No words. It's babble or it's stuttering but its mostly just dead space where words should be. All this combined has resulted in a great big dish of frustration, sadness, pain, anxiety,and desperation. I have felt crippled and blinded.

I have felt like a little leaf trembling in the wind.

Like a little leaf balanced precariously on a tight rope.


Then, this morning I read Lori Roeleveld's blog post and it was as if it was written just for me. She talks about the emptiness she was experiencing. How her prayers sounded like "blah, blah, blah." She said it was because while her mouth was uttering words her heart was empty. As she struggled with this realization she heard Jesus say "Bring that to me. Bring me your emptiness"

Wait. What? God told her to bring Him the emptiness? Aren't we suppose to bring Him an offering of praise? Yet.... He said bring it and then He would fill it.

Her post resonated with me. I'm learning that whatever we bring, be it praise, adoration, requests, anger, pain, sorrow... or a great big pile of nothingness, He welcomes it.

Hebrews 4.16 says: Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Wow.

He welcomes it... and then, transforms it. By His Grace, His Love, His Mercy He takes what ever we have, even the nothing to offer, and turns it into something of wonder.

It might not change the condition of my checking account or lessen the physical pain. It doesn't' always remove the depression and sometimes it doesn't even improve my prayers of dry empty phrases. But it comforts me to know that even in the darkest of times, God is with me. He never abandons me. I may never fully know or understand why He can't just rescue me out of my worst times. Sometimes He does, but often He doesn't. However...He does sit with me in my darkness. He does walk with me through the fire. He swims beside me in the deep waters.

Knowing that gives me the courage and strength to hang on for one more day. Knowing this allows me to rest in His presence.

Seeing that little leaf perched there on that wire the other day made me think of the song Hold Me Jesus by the late Rich Mullins. One line in particular jumped out at me so I had to revisit the lyrics. It seems to capture where my parched and weary soul is these days. It goes:  "So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?" 

I may be perched precariously and trembling but I know, and I trust, God's got me.

Changes

I love to rearrange things. I grew up having built in beds, closets and bookcases. They were practical and sturdy and served their purpose, but maybe because of this, there's a restlessness within me that bursts out every now and again. I like to rearrange the furniture in the living room. I like to move pictures around on the walls. I love a new coat of paint on things and I like switching things up on my blog!

I've been toying with the idea of changing the name of my blog for some time now. As I state on my side bar, I started the blog when we were preparing to go on a mission trip. It was a great way for the folks at home to stay in the loop of what we were doing. I chose the title "How Beautiful On the Mountains" because of the verse from Isaiah 52 that says "how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news" It gets paraphrased a bit in Romans 10 but the meaning is the same. I thought it the perfect name for the blog and as you can see, we take pictures of all the places our feet have gone, in the name of Jesus.

But, more and more, Bruce and I realize that our mission field is right here in our backyard. Or up the mountain. The neighborhood we live in, the church we attend and the people we worship with, that's our mission field. It doesn't preclude that on occasion we may feel compelled to dig out our passport, pack our bags and fly away to Timbuktu! But for the most part, we know this is where we've been called to serve.

Deming, WA

I have also reflected on my posts over the past several months and notice that a lot of what I write about is more geared to my own personal battles, agendas and callings. I feel  compelled to share about my battle with depression, and chronic illness and my victory journey from an abusive past. I love to share how God is walking me through all of it. I celebrate what He has done, is doing and is going to do in my life. It's all good!

After some thought, I decided to change the title of the blog. I wanted to keep a tie to the original however. I use the name "Songbyrd" for my online presence so it seemed like a natural fit. I love to sing and I know God has put the song in my heart.(I have a small tattoo on my ankle of a heart with musical notes that represents just that.) I do feel that God has given me a new song to sing, a song of freedom, a song of rejoicing, a song of thanks.

So..... 
Welcome to (the new and improved) Songyrd on the Mountain!

He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40.3, NRSV

This Is THE Day!

This is the day that the Lord has made, 

We will rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118.24

This is the day we leave. 

We are packed... 

just a couple things left to slip into our backpacks...

but we are 99.9% packed. 

Sometimes when I have been planning and preparing for so long I reach a point where exhaustion from getting ready sets in. I start feeling impatient and my perspective begins to shift. I get antsy and think "I just want this to be over so I can go on to the next thing" when I would do better to embrace the thing we are about to do with eager expectancy. I laugh at myself when I get this way, shaking my head  at my thoughts, shrugging my shoulders at the impossibility of making things move any faster or skipping ahead. 

At times like this I need to sit and delve into God's Word for balance. A touchstone. A reminder of who I am and who God is and what my purpose in this great big world is. 

Last night as Bruce and I were driving home from the last of the errands I popped in a CD of "A Fine Pair of Misfits" and got "This is for You" playing as loud as we could. This song ROCKS. This song speaks my heart. I share some of the lyrics here with deep appreciation for Sean and Tawni Sattler, the talented duo who wrote, produced and sing this beautiful song.

Let it be for your glory, let it further your Kingdom God... 

Let all I do glorify you; I am yours. 

This is for you, I am for you, I am yours. 

~~~~~

May this be for your glory God. 

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

In my last post, I asked myself WHY, if God is so great, He isn't enough for me. What are the things that distract me from making Him my main focus? What is it about those 'other things' that convince me to pursue them instead of finding the fullness of Christ? 

I love the old hymn, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"  but one verse in particular seers my heart with fresh pain when I stop and examine the words and see them play out in my life. 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!

I am so indebted to God's Grace in my life. The word 'constrained' means to be limited, held back, or hindered. I am limited or hindered in my ability to take in the greatness of what God did for me! Perhaps this is in part due to being raised in a Christian environment, asking Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old. I don't have a Gutter to Gospel testimony about being saved from the ravages of life. Sure, I have wandered off the path but I have never forsaken my faith. So, perhaps I have become  a bit lethargic over the years, complacent in my beliefs, lukewarm in my love and passion for Jesus. Perhaps I have grown desensitized to the overwhelming greatness of God's love and sacrifice. This is a tragedy! I don't want to feel cold and apathetic when it comes to God's Love!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

The word 'fetter' means chain, or shackle. To tie up. To have my wandering heart shackled to the goodness of God. What a powerful image. Nobody likes to think about being chained, I'm sure. I remember my mother made a vest for my little brother when he was around 2 or 3. It buttoned down the back and it had an O ring on it. From this she snapped a long light weight rope and attached it to a clothes line that ran the length of our side yard from tree to tree. While she worked in the garden she would tether my little brother to this line and would be able to turn her back on him, allowing him to roam freely as far as the line would allow. She didn't have to worry about him wandering into the roadway, or the cow pasture or anywhere else danger lurked. I used the same thing on my son when he was small. It allowed them freedom in that they could play unhindered to the extent that they were also free from any hazards . I guess I would like my heart to be fettered to God. Shackle me so that I can explore life in the safety net of Christ. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Such an ironic desire. I've been Unshackled from sin and the penalty of sin, which is death, set free to live a life of fullness yet here I am asking to be shackled again only this time to give me more fullness of life. Because I am prone to wandering. I get off the path of righteousness over and over again. I mentioned in my previous post my penchant for overspending. Yes, God set me free from this "addiction" but the danger of falling back into it is always present. I still love to shop---  it's not called retail THERAPY for nothing-- so it becomes really easy to slip into the danger zone. I have to practice restraint. I have to set limits for myself. Even simple things like getting groceries requires me to be disciplined and prayerful. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.... prone to leave the God I love.... yes that's me.... over and over and over again. I am properly chagrined when I examine my actions and even my thoughts.

 Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.... 

To seal something in biblical times was to guarantee it. In 2 Corinthians 1:22, it talks about how Christ put his seal of ownership on us, identifying us as His own: and he has identified us (set his seal of ownership) as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.

And what has He promised us? Eternal life. Sealing it for those courts above. 

So, as I go about my days, and each one will bring more striving and failures as that is the way with my human nature, I will also strive forward, for more of God, less of me. 

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing written by Robert Robinson. You can read a little bit about him and his story here

when we worship

My friend Chris worships with every thing that is in him. Legs spread apart, feet planted firmly on the ground, arms lifted high, face turned towards heaven, making a joyful noise, regardless of what others may think. Watching his face is like seeing a little bit of Heaven coming down. Pure Joy pours forth from his inner being, total awe, total surrender coming from his heart.

He wasn't always like this. He's rather a new believer actually. I think he accepted Christ as Lord of his life about 3 years ago. It's been absolutely wonderful to watch the changes take place in him since that time. He is a sponge, soaking up the word of God, asking questions, seeking for better understanding. He buys study guides and wants to be more familiar with the books of the bible so he can find them quickly and follow along with the pastor as he reads it on Sunday Mornings. Clean and Sober for 6 years now, Chris greets each day fully aware of the fact that THIS IS A NEW DAY. He always has a smile and a cheerful "Good Morning, And how are you today" greeting for each person he meets. His philosophy of life seems to personify that scripture that encourages us to "do everything as unto the Lord."

I love corporate worship. Being gathered together with like minded believers, our hearts all tuned to the Holy Spirit, giving all the praise, glory and honor to the One Who Sits on the Throne. Whether its on Sunday Morning in our places of Worship, or a Concert at the Fair or a Praise Gathering in the Park, it gives me goosebumps.... it overwhelms me to the point that some times I cannot sing. I just stand and listen to the sounds of the voices reverberating around me. I look around and see men and women, faces lifted, palms open, eager to give it over to God. I am both humbled and proud as I watch, listen, observe.

Singing has always been as closely linked to my worship life as writing. I worship best through singing. Talking often trips me up.... I fumble for the words when I am praying, or trying to describe my feelings. But give me pen and paper and I am able to extract words and phrases that explain and describe so much better than my tongue can. And when I run out of things to say, it is comforting and exhilarating to know I can use the words of someone like Michael W. Smith or Chris Tomlin, to praise God, connect with Him and feel him in ways I never can otherwise.

Last year in Dream School, we had a module on Worship and Joel the Worship Guy led us in some simple songs of worship. He encouraged us to try worshiping in a different way-- perhaps on our knees or even on our faces. I was surprised to find myself leaning against the wall, knees tucked under my chin, just listening. I am usually bouncing up and down on my toes, singing exuberantly, with all that is in me. But not that night. That night I was silent.

Lately I find myself doing this more and more. I really think the Holy Spirit told me that night to just listen. Rest in the moment of the worship around me, be aware and be thoughtfully engaged, without opening my mouth.

there's a mighty lesson in that. 

When we worship, God want's our ALL. And I think sometimes I make it more about me and my voice and my actions, not totally loosing myself in worship but really being more caught up in the ACT OF worship.

Does that make sense?

And so it seems for right now, God is teaching me more about listening and feeling His Presence through  the stillness of worship (be still and know that HE is GOD) than through the act of worship.  Chris Tomlin wrapped up his concert Wed. night by singing a well known song written by Matt Redmond. It's been playing softly in my heart ever since and it's lyrics serve to remind me to do an attitude check on my act of worship every now and again....
I leave with these beautiful thought provoking words, from the song, "Heart of Worship"

 Verse 1
When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

Bridge
I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

Chorus
I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus

Verse 2
King of endless worth
No one could express
How much you deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is yours
Every single breath