One Year Later

Give or take a few days. I thought it was time for a check in/update/post script. A follow up to the Big D from last June. I know it is a cliche to say that it is hard to believe it's been a year since ______ (fill in the blank). But isn't that the way it always goes? Time just zips by, sometimes leaving a whiplash effect.

I look back over the past 12 months and feel grateful. Grateful for a full life and all the people in it. Grateful for church and family and my husband. Grateful for the area I live in, the experiences I have had and yep, even-- perhaps especially-- grateful for depression and the lessons it continues to teach me.

I'm sitting in my living room from where I have a great view of my back yard. I can see my deck with it's freshly painted patio furniture scattered around. The primary colors of the chairs and table cheer me to the very core.

I can see the planter boxes and pots filled with an array of flowers, all dancing happily in the breeze. Beyond the deck I see the wickets set up for a croquet game and the memory of this past weekend and some fun competition between friends makes me smile.

We've been blessed with a couple of weeks of delightful weather: sunshine almost every day with lots of gentle breezes to keep it from becoming too hot. It's been perfect weather for ice tea, gardening, reading books in patio chairs, sunscreen and sunglasses, shorts and flip-flops. But then, yesterday we woke up to heavy gray clouds that soon broke open with rain. Rain that cancelled some exciting plans for the day even as it nourished the plants and the lawn. It forced me to come up with a new plan for the day, or at the very least, a forgiving and accepting attitude about how this day was going to be played. This is exactly how it goes with depression.

My anti-depressants work well. I have many days of 'sunshine' and feeling full of energy and strength to tackle whatever may come. But there are still occasional days of feeling dragged low by emotional/mental dark clouds. What can I do but learn to roll with it. I have learned to read the signs, respect them and adjust my life accordingly, just as we do with our fickle pacific northwest weather. Even the heaviest days of rain hold a certain amount of beauty if we just look for it. 

Perhaps that is one of the things about depression I am most grateful for. It has taught me to search harder for the happy that sometimes feels beyond reach. It has taught me that there is an inner strength that I did not know I had until I fought for it. It has taught me that it's okay to fall down and that when I fall it's also okay to just lay there for awhile and rest. But it has also emphatically taught me that eventually I must get up and press on. Depression has forced me to open up and let others in. It has made me dependent on God much more than anything else I have ever faced. It has taught me about being vulnerable and where to put my trust. Depression has also given me a deeper empathy to others who are in pain.

What depression has NOT done is robbed me of my joy. "Happiness is fleeting" and we often say happiness is a choice and we can choose to be happy. But joy is something that runs deeper. For me, the best way to summarize the difference between happiness and joy is that happiness tends to be an outward expression of elation where joy stems from a place of inward peace and contentment. Happiness is temporary based on outward circumstances. Joy is lasting, based on inward circumstances.  I can be happy because the sun is shining, but I have joy even when it rains because I know the Maker Of All Things Good.

Depression has taught me that Joy is possible even in the midst of my lowest moments. But I am grateful that the lowest moments are fewer and far between. The past year has been rough but it's also been good.

Psalm 30

1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
    You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
    You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
    Praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

6 When I was prosperous, I said,
    “Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
    Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
    I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
    if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
    Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
    Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
    You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

This Is Happy Too

Sunday Night

What a Monday! Our weekend was full of snow, ice, wind, and rain. The end result in some areas is that dangerous, beautiful condition known as a "Silver Thaw". Here in my little corner of the county, it's warmed enough to just leave slush everywhere. And still the rain is coming down. I'm tempted to just say 'yuck', pour another cup of coffee and snuggle in by the fire with my book, instead of donning my rain gear and getting outside for my walk.

Monday morning

However..... I have a couple of things buzzing inside of me, creating too much joy to just sit still. So, allow me to blog and then I will gladly let the buzz of joy carry me down the path of fitness.

The first thing that set my toes a'tapping was something from my Bucket List. I blogged about that in an earlier post and this weekend I took the first step in making it happen. I registered for the "Run for the Honeywagon" coming in April. Actually, I registered my sweetie and me for it! Yep, he said he would love to do it with me and after some test walks to see how compatible we were on our paces, we agreed this could work. Now, let me be clear-- it may be called a RUN but as they allow for walkers, that is what we will be doing. We will be in the 4 mile walking category and that is plenty fine with me! The point of this exercise for me is I will be participating in a fun, challenging, competitive event and it's not about winning, it's about doing. I'm very excited about this, as it is an event I have longed to participate in since way back in the 1980's when I could have actually contended as a runner. But motherhood, living life and aging has brought me to the place of acceptance; this body is no longer designed for the run. Walking is the new running for me.

The other MOST EXCITING THING came about this morning. I am a member of Faithwriters, an online writing group, and have participated many times in their weekly writing challenge. Some of my entries placed in the top 3, some even receiving the coveted "Editor's Choice" award. That made the story eligible for future publication in an anthology. It's been awhile in coming due to some unforeseen set backs but finally the press is moving forward and several issues will be coming out over the next year or so. I was told that I have stories appearing in 5 or 6 books! I am a little embarrassed to admit that I don't know for sure which of my stories are being published and I won't know until the release forms come and my titles are listed. (I kind of lost track of things.)

In the midst of being notified that the books were going to be published a request was put out for some additional material to fill a gap in the first book. Not really knowing what she was looking for, and who I'd be up against, I took the plunge and submitted a short story. This morning I received notification that out of the many submissions she received, the editor had selected MY story to fill the gap! I was sipping my coffee in front of the fire, checking my email and waiting for the brain fog to lift, as I skimmed the email.... when the information clicked and I let out a WHOOP that scared the cat and nearly upset my coffee. Then the tears came.... and prayers of thanks went up. Because really, I know that anything I have ever written comes from the gift God has given me. And I hope with all my heart that whatever I write, always points to Him and gives Him the glory.


I don't know the time table for the publications but rest assured, once I do, you all will be among the first to know! In the meantime, if you would like to read the story that will appear in the first book, Mixed Blessings, Simple Pleasures, you can find it here!  As always, thanks for reading.

the color of happy

I belong to a monthly photo challenge group on Facebook. 

Every day of the month there is a different prompt

for what to post a picture of.

The group is made up of both professionals and amateurs, 

those with expensive cameras full of do-dads and what-nots, 

and those who snap furiously away with iPhones and Androids. 

The point is, we are taking pictures, 

which means we are LOOKING. 

Looking for opportunities, looking for details, 

paying attention to the great big wonderful world around us 

and trying to capture it in 1/1000 of a second.

Maybe the world we live in 
is much different from the world of 
Dick and Jane and Spot 
in the sense that there seems to be 
much more brokenness,sadness and waste, 
but the importance of the "biggest word of all: LOOK" 
hasn't changed. 
Having my camera and list of photo prompts 
spurs me on to LOOK, 
and it's beauty I seek. 

The prompt for this particular day was Yellow; 
an appropriate choice for the month in which Spring arrives.
As I set out on my morning walk, 
I was purposely looking for yellow. 
Not just for the prompt but as a sort of challenge to myself.
How much yellow could I find in the world around me?
The results were surprising. Spying each flash of yellow
caused a little spurt of happiness inside of me.
It was fun to recognize 
how certain colors are associated 
with certain moods and emotions. 

For me, yellow is Happiness.

What colors represent happiness to you?