One Year Later

Give or take a few days. I thought it was time for a check in/update/post script. A follow up to the Big D from last June. I know it is a cliche to say that it is hard to believe it's been a year since ______ (fill in the blank). But isn't that the way it always goes? Time just zips by, sometimes leaving a whiplash effect.

I look back over the past 12 months and feel grateful. Grateful for a full life and all the people in it. Grateful for church and family and my husband. Grateful for the area I live in, the experiences I have had and yep, even-- perhaps especially-- grateful for depression and the lessons it continues to teach me.

I'm sitting in my living room from where I have a great view of my back yard. I can see my deck with it's freshly painted patio furniture scattered around. The primary colors of the chairs and table cheer me to the very core.

I can see the planter boxes and pots filled with an array of flowers, all dancing happily in the breeze. Beyond the deck I see the wickets set up for a croquet game and the memory of this past weekend and some fun competition between friends makes me smile.

We've been blessed with a couple of weeks of delightful weather: sunshine almost every day with lots of gentle breezes to keep it from becoming too hot. It's been perfect weather for ice tea, gardening, reading books in patio chairs, sunscreen and sunglasses, shorts and flip-flops. But then, yesterday we woke up to heavy gray clouds that soon broke open with rain. Rain that cancelled some exciting plans for the day even as it nourished the plants and the lawn. It forced me to come up with a new plan for the day, or at the very least, a forgiving and accepting attitude about how this day was going to be played. This is exactly how it goes with depression.

My anti-depressants work well. I have many days of 'sunshine' and feeling full of energy and strength to tackle whatever may come. But there are still occasional days of feeling dragged low by emotional/mental dark clouds. What can I do but learn to roll with it. I have learned to read the signs, respect them and adjust my life accordingly, just as we do with our fickle pacific northwest weather. Even the heaviest days of rain hold a certain amount of beauty if we just look for it. 

Perhaps that is one of the things about depression I am most grateful for. It has taught me to search harder for the happy that sometimes feels beyond reach. It has taught me that there is an inner strength that I did not know I had until I fought for it. It has taught me that it's okay to fall down and that when I fall it's also okay to just lay there for awhile and rest. But it has also emphatically taught me that eventually I must get up and press on. Depression has forced me to open up and let others in. It has made me dependent on God much more than anything else I have ever faced. It has taught me about being vulnerable and where to put my trust. Depression has also given me a deeper empathy to others who are in pain.

What depression has NOT done is robbed me of my joy. "Happiness is fleeting" and we often say happiness is a choice and we can choose to be happy. But joy is something that runs deeper. For me, the best way to summarize the difference between happiness and joy is that happiness tends to be an outward expression of elation where joy stems from a place of inward peace and contentment. Happiness is temporary based on outward circumstances. Joy is lasting, based on inward circumstances.  I can be happy because the sun is shining, but I have joy even when it rains because I know the Maker Of All Things Good.

Depression has taught me that Joy is possible even in the midst of my lowest moments. But I am grateful that the lowest moments are fewer and far between. The past year has been rough but it's also been good.

Psalm 30

1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.
    You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you restored my health.
3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord.
    You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones!
    Praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
    but his favor lasts a lifetime!
Weeping may last through the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

6 When I was prosperous, I said,
    “Nothing can stop me now!”
7 Your favor, O Lord, made me as secure as a mountain.
    Then you turned away from me, and I was shattered.

8 I cried out to you, O Lord.
    I begged the Lord for mercy, saying,
9 “What will you gain if I die,
    if I sink into the grave?
Can my dust praise you?
    Can it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me.
    Help me, O Lord.”

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
    You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Tiptoe Through the Tulips

Or not....

photo credit: Anita van der Elst

A year ago this month, before my sister moved here, she came to visit me for a week. We had plans to go to the Tulip Fesitval down in Skagit Valley but a nasty tumble down some concrete steps put that trip on hold for another day. (Another year actually.) Yesterday we finally got to go!

top left/right: the face we make when its sister day!
photo credits: Anita van der Elst & myself.

Roozengaard  Gardens is amazing. Let me say this again, Roozengaard Gardens is AMAZING. The month of April, when the tulips are at their peak, is of course the best time to visit. Acres and acres of beautiful, luscious, riotous colors! Tulips, Daffodills and in a short while, Iris',  tantalizing your eyes. It's almost overwhelming the sheer enormity and breathtaking beauty of the fields that stretch out in a rainbow of colors.

Wow. Just Wow.

Sister and I had a marvelous time and we snapped happily away all morning and into the afternoon. If you don't like tulips or care to look at pictures, please, just skip the rest of my post. Otherwise, prepare to be PHOTO BOMBED!!!  (I wont post them all~~~I'll save some for another post)

Enjoy!

stay tuned for more....

when it rains, play with pictures

despite the rain, perhaps because of the rain, I impulsively purchased some pansies today. I have always loved pansies. their friendly little faces, the way they bend in the rain, stretch in the sunshine, and come back year after year to replenish the landscape with their gentle vibrant colors.

i planted them in the rain today too, replenishing the sad little window box that lost it's primroses during the winter cold snap.

and after you plant a few flowers, you simply must take pictures. and after you take pictures you simply must play with them at picmonkey. I tell you this site is so much fun!

raining even as the sun shines

Thank you God for this beautiful day!

Autumn, Vibrant, Golden

 One of the distinct pleasures about my little rural town is the ability to take a walk down to the river.

 to be able to look up at the mountain side, it's color palette loaded with glory

to know that the road runs east and west and both directions will take you a little bit closer to heaven.

that neighbors won't mind if you stop in their yard and enjoy their generous display of crimson. in fact they welcome you!

that you can find surprises where you least expect them....

and still be awed by little furry creatures

my favorite place to go in all of Deming is just down the street, turn right and cross the rail road tracks...

the river has changed course so much over the past years but it still takes my breath away to see it

rain or shine, the Nooksack River is beautiful

winter~spring~summer~fall anytime is a good time to visit the river~~

~~shimmer and shine; sunshine on the water looks so lovely~~

~~take a stroll down the river dyke and sing a little John Denver~~

relax on a "rock"ing chair~~ :) and sing some more.....

sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!

sunshine on my shoulders makes me high

~~if I had a day that I could give you, I'd give you a day just like today~~

goldenrod and sage

 a perfect day for reflection and praise!

and yet, summer is not completely gone....

for in my yard, a little bloom lingers

I love the overlap of the seasons.

Connections

During our road trip we had lose plans to connect with a couple of old friends. One person in particular, who lives in Oroville, is a dear dear friend from way back. In fact this lovely lady sang at our wedding and her daughters were in our youth group back when Bruce and I were leading. So we hoped it would work out to connect with her while passing through her town.

However, I thought she was still residing in the little community of Chesaw, which is where she moved about 12 or 15 years ago. I left her messages on Facebook about hoping to see her when we traveled that way but I didn't hear back from her until after we embarked on the trip. While checking my messages and facebook in the library in the town of Republic,  I found a reply. She left her phone number and said to call when we got closer to town. OK!!

When we got into Chesaw however, there was no cell service. of course. we were in the mountains in the middle of nowhere!! So we went inside the little general store there and asked the proprietor if he knew our friend by any chance. Well, of course he did! In a town of about 25 people, why wouldn't he? But he said she had moved to Oroville a few years ago. Oops. Somehow I missed that in the messages she left me!

(On another note, we enjoyed chatting with the store keeper and discovered his brother-in-law graduated from high school with me! small world!!)

No matter, we enjoyed the sites of Chesaw and figured we would call her when we got to Oroville later that night. I got her voice mail, left her a message and we hoped we'd hear from her sometime that evening.

checking voice mail ~~ first time all week!

Meanwhile, as we settled into camp for the night we realized 2 things. We needed quarters for the showers in the morning and we needed gas in the van. We decided that after dinner we'd head up to a gas station and take care of both needs.

After dinner, and dishes were done, we hopped in the van and set out. We found a gas station/mini mart right to the right of the park entrance! We pulled in and as Bruce waited I headed inside to prepay for the fuel.

As I approached the store door a slight figure of a woman dressed in jeans and flannel shirt scooted through the door just ahead of me. Something in her stature made me study her. I paid the cashier for the gas and waited for my change, all the while glancing over at the back of this woman as she shopped, hoping for a glimpse of her face. She really looked like my friend but what were the odds?

At last she turned and I saw her profile and it was enough to make me call out her name: Debbie ???

She turned--- mouth O--- and eyes wide! Yes, it WAS our friend!! 

Again what were the odds that we would come to the same gas station at the same night at the same time?!! But that's the kind of God we have. it was not a coincidence-- it was a serendipitous blessing straight from God's pocket into our lives.

We hugged and laughed and exclaimed over the near missed connection. We stood in the parking lot and chatted for about 20 minutes or so, wishing we could talk longer. she serves as an EMT however for the county and was on call that night.

She encouraged us to come by her house in the morning for coffee and a longer visit, telling us if she wasn't home  (which was likely, given she would still be on call) to just tour her flower gardens and pick some flowers. She recently has started a small business with her dahlias and other gorgeous flora called "Outa the Garden".

The next morning we did drive over to her place and sadly she was not home.

But we did follow her instructions and toured her lovely jungle of riotous blooms!!



We did not pick any because we were going to head home through Canada and figured they might not let us bring flowers across the border.

So we took pictures and breathed in sighs of contentment at everything we saw there.

I'm so glad we had those few moments at the mini mart!

It was a short, sweet visit but it was still a blessing and...

it was a delightful surprise and a testimony to God caring for the minute details of our lives.