What Am I Doing?

Life's been pretty busy between building my new jewelry business, working part time at the bookstore, watching my grandsons one day a week, and keeping the home fires burning. Not to mention, the writing group I co-facilitate and the book project we are working on there. Then my former self-employed hubby has picked up a side job as project manager for a new restaurant set to open sometime this summer and that has me running errands again. Yes, life is a little busy. I don't have time for depression or anxiety or fibromyalgia to interfere with things. But it does. 

With my husband leaving the house an hour earlier most mornings, I find myself stumbling around, coffee cup in hand, feeling sleep deprived and out of sorts. When I give in to the lure of the still warm rumpled blankets on the bed and crawl under them I find the delicious cocoon my mind and body craves. I doze and awaken to sunshine sneaking through the cracks of the curtain, or the sounds of raindrops splattering against the windows. Sleep cycle disrupted again I struggle the rest of the day to find my rhythm. It's frustrating. Walking daily seems like a distant memory, something someone did a long time ago but I can't remember who or why. I force myself to push past fibro-pain, cloudy thinking and loss of passion for most things. People annoy me and the thought of engaging in conversation is so overwhelming I can't even ....

I lay on my bed a lot and flick aimlessly through apps on my phone.I ask myself if I need to talk to the doctor about changing my anti-depressant or do something different.  It's worrisome. 

But on the mornings when things seem to fall into place and I do find my rhythm it's glorious! I stay awake, I throw a load of laundry in the wash and scrub down the counters and swoosh a mop across the floors. I go for a walk and I snap pictures left and right of everything I see. I breathe deep and I listen for cues that nudge me here or there. I work my business and study to make it better. I go to work with a smile and energy. I have my list of things to do and I knock it out of the park. I think "life is amazing and so am I". And at the end of the day I wonder what made it different from the day before? 

Depression is a thief. It steals my joy, my energy, my creativity. Anxiety is a rope that ties me to a chair and holds me prisoner in my room. Physical pain is crippling and only feeds my depression more. In those darkest moments I seek out the Psalms and feel David's anguish as he pours out his soul. 

These things I remember as I pour out my soul... Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. 

28 Days Part Two

Winter isn't my finest time to begin with, given that S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) compounds my long term battle with depression. Add in some feeling pudgy and sluggish and you've got a major black cloud hanging over you.

So.. with the arrival of spring and thoughts of cute summer tops and capri's to wear, I went into a little bit of panic mode when I discovered the change in my body (thanks post-menopause) over the winter months meant those cute clothes just didn't fit right anymore. I knew I had to do something.

A few days later in a conversation with my daughter-in-law, she mentioned a diet that several ladies she knew were following. She said they were eating all the time and losing weight. But she said it was super strict, in that there were lots of things prohibited on the eating plan. Still, they were losing and liking it. I was intrigued and later that day I googled the title and did some research on the diet.

The Fast Metabolism Diet was the name of the book and author Haylie Pomroy assured readers that they could lose up to 20# in just 4 weeks through the fat burning power of food. I didn't feel I needed to lose that much but so much of what she wrote about resonated with me because of my prior days of owning my own fitness center. We taught a weight management program at Curves that espoused ways to raise your metabolism so you'd lose the weight and keep it off. (That eating plan didn't work so well for me once I realized I was wheat/ gluten --and to some degree, dairy- sensitive). I realized just a few chapters into the book that the main problem for me was that the restrictive calorie intake had messed big time with my metabolism. I also wasn't eating enough of the right kinds of foods and I needed some help to get me back on track.

Now, you might think I'd know how to eat right but I'll admit right now, in the last few years I've gotten lazy in the kitchen. My cooking had gotten into a rut and I'd been going for fast, easy and cheap when it came to food purchases and prep. And because I am wheat/gluten and semi-dairy sensitive, it's a challenge to find food I can eat sometimes. I needed a meal map to point me in the right direction. Fortunately The Fast Metabolism Diet was full of maps and pointers. A kind of GPS for my tummy!

The diet is strict: NO wheat, corn, soy, dairy, sugar, artificial sweeteners, fruit juice, alcohol and, (the biggest one for me) NO COFFEE!! (I almost said "I can't do this" when I read that part. In fact I negotiated with myself thinking I could give up all of it but the coffee but once I finished the book I decided if I was going to commit to doing this, I needed to commit fully and give it my all)
And that's what  I did. I began to wean myself off the caffeine. I sat down and wrote out a meal map of my own, using some of the books recipes and suggestions, substituting some foods with ones I liked better (but that were still on the approved foods list) I prepared a shopping list. Best of all, my husband said he wanted to do this with me!

While the diet is strict, and with that list, you think "well, what's left to eat?" but honestly, I've never eaten better! Fresh fruit, veggies by the bushel full, lean meats--organic and nitrate free whenever possible, healthy fats like almonds and cashews, hummus and  avocados. Yes, I've missed my coffee and cream but it's not for forever. It's 28 days of eating strategically, designed to light your metabolism on fire! I've not felt deprived or starving and when I'm hungry it's because it's time to eat not because I've had to skip a meal to try and justify calorie intake.

 I feel better than I have in years! I have energy and stamina. My digestive issues have settled down to almost nothing. I've had only one bad day of fibromyalgia symptoms and I know it was related to snacking on some questionable food items at a party. I've lost inches all over and definitely seen a reduction in that troublesome tummy area! And weight loss? As of this morning I've dropped 10 lbs and am at the lowest weight I've been since... I can't remember when! (hubby reports he's lost about 5 lbs and definitely feels better and really loves and appreciates the wholesome goodness of the meals)

Bottom line is... it works.

coming next.... What follows 28? 

When Your Muse Goes On Strike

the muse is on strike.

It's been pretty dry around here. Creatively speaking of course. I have been staring at a blank space to post in for several days now. I think I have something... I pose my fingers over the keys and.... Nothing. Nada. Zip.

It happens. Not very often for me but it does happen. The Writer's Block, the lack of inspiration, creativity, even the need to just vent, goes out the window and in despair I close the lid on my laptop and walk away. But that's okay. I know this too shall pass.

Today was the gathering for our monthly women's writers group. We kicked this group off in February and we only meet once a month so it's been slow getting up to speed. In fact, it feels like we are still in the On-ramp. Aside from my sis and me, the others who signed up for the group have been scarce. Today it was just sister and me. Even our leader was unable to attend! That was okay, because she asked me to step in. My sister and I brainstormed on some different things we might try to make it easier for others in the group to attend. We'll have to see what comes of our ideas.

Meanwhile, my sis lent me a book called "The Playful Way to Serious Writing" by Roberta Allen. It's a delightful book chock full of prompts to get you rolling on your blank page. With writing exercises in the form of questions, images and statements all giving verbal directions and visual cues, I am planning to let it push start me.

The author writes a lot about Energy, in the sense of it meaning the impulse to write. Here is a direct quote from the book: Energy is the force behind the words. It is the power deep inside that drives you. It is the desire to bring forth something that has never before existed. It is the passion to give form to your deepest feelings, your deepest longings, your dreams, your fantasies-- who you are. 

Ah, yes. I think I feel some energy stirring right now.

charging your batteries

Awhile back the battery to my laptop stopped holding a charge. As long as it was hooked up to the power adapter, all was fine but if it came unplugged within seconds the screen went black and all things computer-y came to a screeching halt. The big problem with this was that the power adapter had gotten rather loose in it's connection so it was very easy for the plug to come unplugged-- and it seemed to do it with annoying regularity. I recently replaced the power adapter with a nice snug fitting connection and all is well... as long as it says plugged in to the power source.

I'm very much like my laptop in some ways. I am an introvert. I recharge in private. I have an internal battery that holds a charge for a limited amount of time. And when it's spent, it's spent. Bruce kids me about the look on my face that tells him in no uncertain terms that I've 'hit the wall" and it's time to take me home, put me to bed, turn off the lights and tiptoe away-- far, far away.

I've learned in recent years how to occasionally check my power source-- make sure my external power cord is plugged in you might say. Still once in awhile I forget, get distracted or so caught up in other things that I forget to check my connection... and then, BAM! Auto-shutdown commences.

Making sure I have ME/Solo time is important. Quiet time. Time for creativity. Getting enough sleep. Proper diet. Exercise. Time for laughing. But perhaps none so important as plugging in to the Ultimate Power Source. Yes. Spending time in Worship, communing with God, whether through praise music, creation, fellowship with other believers, or reading my bible, listening for His Presence-- that is the Ultimate Power. When I neglect those important aspects, it doesn't take long before my screen goes black, my body shuts down and things get, well.....  ugly. We don't wanna go there.

I appreciate that I have learned to listen to my body. That God wired me this way and for a reason. I think sometimes we introverts get the short end of the stick, and it often comes from the extroverts we love, who think there is something wrong with us because we don't get charged up by being around others like they do. Yet, the world needs us introverts. Some of the best creativity out there was produced by the introverts!

What about you? Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Do you get your re-charge by being around others or does that drain you and you need alone time to charge your battery?

If you are an extrovert, is there an introvert in your life who could benefit from your being a little more understanding of the way God created them to be? (that they don't need fixing? they just need to be accepted.)

If you are an introvert, what do you do to recharge your batteries? Whatever it is, I pray you have some time this week to indulge and be healthy.