Guess What?

I'm still alive!

I just spent the last couple of hours sprucing up the blog in preparation for a re-launch. I have to tell you that just as I hit the 'compose new post' button, my heart started pounding a little bit harder.... anxiousness building as I thought about staring at a blank page unable to write. But if a 1000 mile journey starts with a single step, then so does a blog post.... one word at a time.

It's been a long season of unrest. Depression, anxiety, lethargy. The usual trio of troubles. I have skipped many a writers group meeting because of this. If I am not writing and I don't even want to write then why bother going? Those are the sort of thoughts that would plague me.

There have many ideas floating through my mind however. Bits and pieces, phrases and fragments of words, just enough lately to think I might still have something to say and I might be able to say it well.

I haven't lacked for things to write about... experiences both exhilarating and exhausting.... trips, tattoos, testing, trying, terrifying, trust-building....Testimonial moments.


Stay tuned....

When The Glass Is Empty

You know that glass half full/half empty thing? I've always maintained to be a half full kind of gal... optimistic even in my darkest days of depression. On better/best days the glass is overflowing. I've also had days where the glass is full but the contents are a little on the side of piss and vinegar. I take it all in stride..... but I'm not sure what to make of the realization that the glass is just sitting there empty.

It's not so much about depression as it is just feeling stuck. I want to write... and then, I don't. I mean I don't want to write. I don't even attempt it! The blog posts have been few and far between. What I thought was a dry spell finally broken has proved wrong.  I'm pretty much as stagnant as stagnant can be. And that IS depressing.

Or Am I????

Or is it? I can't tell because the part of me that doesn't want to write also says I sorta don't even care. It's a strange conundrum of sorts.

My writers group has helped keep me from going under in that I realize I am not alone. That several gals struggle with feeling stuck. Writers block. Or lack of time to devote to writing. So, I take hope in that. But I don't think its writers block. And it's certainly not a lack of time. I have always made time in the past to write. It's always been a priority. Till now.

Sure, I am busy. I'm working part time, I'm building my jewelry business, I'm a wife and a business partner, I'm a grandma and a daughter, a friend and a sister. But that's never stopped me before. In fact it has often spurred me on.

In all honestly it's not just the writing that's bothering me. I feel stuck in other areas. I've lost interest in things that use to bring me joy.  I'm sure I present as if all if fine but there's a place deep inside that feels pretty dog gone empty.

I start questioning the anti-depressants... are they just not working so good anymore? And I resist going there because I really don't want to  mess with the prescription and play that game of finding out what might work better and experience side effects that I know from the past are just no fun. I tell myself that this too shall pass and that just because I don't feel like writing doesn't necessarily mean that my depression is acting up.

I've forced myself to sit here today and write this. It feels uncomfortable. It kind of hurts. Yet there is a sort of release in the midst of it, like --and pardon this yucky metaphor but I can't shake the image-- like the release one experiences when you pop a big icky pimple. Gross, I know-- sorry!! but the pain is being squeezed out of me as I pressure myself to write.

My sister prayed over me the other day for a release to come in my writing. I want to believe that this might be it. But as I said, that break through I had back in the spring must not have taken because here I am again.

What keeps me hanging on and not loosing hope entirely is my faith in Christ. Whether I am in the center of His Will or stumbling just outside the circle, I know He's got me. That gives me the courage to try again. It keeps me from letting the shadows of self doubt consume me. And it gives me the grace to allow myself time for whatever is going on to pass.

My Cup Runneth Over

So much goodness the last few days...

Yesterday my sister and I were interviewed for a radio podcast, "The Karolyn Merriman Show". The daily show features licensed therapist, Karolyn Merriman and each broadcast covers a variety of different topics. From childhood abuse, to difficult relationships, from freedom from fear and anxiety to enriching your prayer life and many other life struggles and challenges, Karolyn offers biblical insights into dealing with and moving from hurt to healing through the power of God's grace.

in the recording studio with Karolyn, after a successful interview!

How did we come to land on Karolyn's show? Karolyn was my therapist many years ago and we've stayed in touch off and on. We recently reconnected on Facebook where she learned I was involved with a writing group. She was intrigued. As we chatted about what our writing group does she became more and more interested in the whole concept of a writing group designed for Christian women writers. She asked if we'd come on the show and talk about how we started the group, why, what we do in our group, how it benefits us etc. I was kind of taken back by her request originally as I couldn't fathom how our group fit in with the themes of her talk show. She assured me that because she often encourages her clients to engage in writing as therapeutic, sharing about our group would be appealing to many of her listeners. She also felt that what we've  done in establishing this group was worthy of mention as it may inspire other women (or men) in churches or communities to start their own writing groups. So.... Anita and I bravely committed to the podcast. It was so much fun!!

 ( You can listen to the podcast here)

Later that day I met up with a sweet gal who is going to host a jewelry party for me this month. I first met L. as a member of my Curves fitness center and we've stayed in touch on Facebook ever since. She is very excited to host a get together for me, not just because she loves the jewelry but she also shared she was happy to have a way for us to connect in a more tangible way than just online!

 I've had my emotional ups and downs when I look back on my time as a fitness center owner. I enjoyed the initial start up and being my own boss. I loved, loved, loved seeing Curves empower and strengthen women in all aspects of their lives. I loved feeling healthy and loved meeting so many wonderful gals and starting friendships that have continued long after the club closed. But the stress of running a business and keeping it financially strong was too much for me. The last couple of years running the club, I was depressed, angry, frustrated, stressed and exhausted most of the time. Not a very good presentation for promoting health! I've often wondered if my presence in the club was a positive one. If I made a difference in even just one persons life. I've questioned that over and over.

Until yesterday.

As we chatted L. expressed just how much she enjoyed her time at Curves and emphatically stated that it was my presence there that made the difference to her. She saw something in me that clicked with her. In addition to being friends on facebook since the club closed, she's been a faithful follower here on the blog (Hi L! Surprise!!) and shared that my posts often speak to her just what she needed to hear on that particular day. Wow.

Every writer desperately wants to be 'heard' and my deepest desire as a writer is not to attain fame and fortune (although I wouldn't turn it down, ha ha) but to know that my writing, Holy Spirit inspired, reached even  just one person and impacted them in some positive way. Yesterdays visit with L was a confirmation that yes, it has. And for that I am so very very blessed. Thank you sweet friend.

And to put the cherry on top of the day I came home with a burning desire to BLOG! And to WRITE! I whipped open my laptop and began pounding the keys. Even if it was drivel I have managed to shake loose the chains that were binding my hands and mind from creatively flowing. Hallllllllelujaaaaaaah!

It Won't Keep

As a young mother I came across this sweet poem that reminded me what's really important in raising children. I learned that sparkling clean floors are no comparison to the sparkle in my child's eyes because I spent time with them.

As I am now in my 'mature' years with children grown and grandkids to love on, my focus the past few years has been on a different kind of baby.

It's the story locked with in me that cries to be released. It's the words that I birth as I labor over a blank sheet of paper or watch the curser blink on my computer screen. I've learned that when the ideas are hot, I must act on them. If I ignore it or procrastinate, those little ideas start to slip away.

We discussed this at our last writers group meeting,  brainstorming over the things that often keep us from writing and how to knock down those roadblocks to creativity.  Writing is hard work. But if we want to hone our craft, we must be dedicated. This writing gift deserves attention, just as a baby does.

A few days before the writers meeting, I created a quiet space for myself in our little travel trailer. A place where I can spread out my bible, my journals, my colored pencils and unleash my creativity as I spend time in God's Word.  This was due in part to inspiration I received from a friend who loves to journal and has put a crafter's touch to it. Illustrated Faith is one name for it.

 I've always been an 'underline my bible verse' kind of gal but now I'm taking it to the next level. I take my Sunday Morning sermon notes and ponder them all week long, taking a deeper look at the scriptures, meditating on them and making notes in my journal. I might color or add a sticker or two to make the thoughts I've collected stand out a little more or I might just stick with my ink pen. But the point is, I am spending more time in the Word, more time focused on things of eternal value. (it helps that in the tin-can travel trailer internet reception gets spotty so I can't surf the web very well, and therefore I can truly remain focused on what I went out there for!)

I shared with the writing group about my 'She-Shed' because I realized that one of the roadblocks in my writing is that I have allowed myself to be distracted and often the reason I don't write is because it was easier to just spend time on Facebook rather than putting any effort into writing.  While there's been a writing block in front of me that has had a lock on my creativity the truth is my creative juices tend to run driest when my spiritual life is also dry. When I have a clear close connection with Christ, my creativity flows much better. And my quiet time with the Lord had gotten way too quiet as of late if you catch my meaning...

The sermon this past Sunday was about priorities which just seemed to cement further the whole idea of getting back into God's Word and back into writing my words! In fact, our pastor encouraged us to make a list of the top 5 priorities in our lives.

It was pretty much a no-brainer for me to make my list (God, Family, Friends...) but I pushed myself to go deeper with each item on the list, listing specific measurable goals for each one. Not surprisingly, #5 was to make time and effort to work on my creative side.

So... quiet down Facebook,
Internet go to sleep.
I'm writing a story
and the words just won't keep.

I've Been Meaning to Write

and by write, I mean something of significance. 

Too many days and weeks have drifted by with nary a whisper of inspiration to stir my heart to write. It's a little scary and frustrating and depressing. 

At our last writers group gathering we decided to create a homework assignment where for every day we don't write, we'll at least list the reason why. 

 too often my excuse is this...

but really it's more like... I can't think of anything to write, or I don't feel like writing so I might as well diddle the day away by scrolling thru' facebook. 

GAH.

I guess it's been coming on for some time now. Feeling like I don't have anything creative left to blog about or write a short story about. I've got lots of stories written that could certainly use editing but I just don't feel the unction to do that either.

. 

At that last meeting, we each shared what helps us get moving again when we've gotten stuck. For me its taking a trip. Something about a road trip or a camping adventure always seems to help kick it back in gear. 

I've got a backpacking adventure coming up 4th of July weekend. Here's hoping the muse will be here when I get back.

Here's Hoping...

Hubby and I are on another little adventure! I'm hoping this time away will blow the cobwebs out of my brain and restore some creativity. It feels in some ways that it already has. YAY!!


This morning on the Facebook page that I admin for my Christian Women's Write Group, I saw a comment from one of the members lamenting something similar to my last blog post about writer's block.

On the one hand I certainly could identify and sorrow with her, on the other hand it was sort of a relief to know that I wasn't the only one feeling this! Anyway, as a result I made Writer's Block this weeks writing prompt. Here's hoping that having to write about writer's block might help release the creative juices and at the very least perhaps we will all gain some ideas about how to handle this unwanted but very real issue.

Meanwhile, here I sit, facing a gray washed sky and wind blown trees. I'm sipping a lovely cup of Chai tea. At my feet is a large sleeping (snoring) old dog and not far away another sleeping little dog.

We are visiting Bruce's brother out on the west coast where Bruce is doing some repairs on the house. A few days away is always refreshing, even if it involves some work.

 While I watch the guys brainstorm over deck upgrades I am also thinking about what to fix for dinner here tonight. Call me crazy but I find it kind of fun to cook for others especially in a new-to me- kitchen and for folks who will really appreciate a good home cooked meal after a long time of bachelor-cooking.

Because my brother in law lives on an decommissioned airport-- seriously, his drive way is part of the old taxiway-- my morning walk today was down the taxiway and back. Always fun to explore a new path and I saw evidence of 'wildlife' in several 'piles'. I learned later that there is a herd of elk that frequent this area so the chances of seeing some this week is good. I would prefer to view them at a SAFE distance however, since running into them while out walking might prove a bit unnerving.

Another fun fact about Bruce's brother is that he is a pilot so living on this old airport serves him well. He has his own small plane that he can taxi out of his shop and take off right from here. The plan originally was that he was going to fly over to collect us for the week but while we were enjoying a gorgeous sunny day in our neck of the woods, a heavy fog was developing in his. Not good flying weather so we made the last minute decision to just drive over. It's about a 5 hour drive including a short ferry ride, which we didn't mind. Spending time with my best friend is never a bad thing.

This is the week leading up to our anniversary and we have plans for camping for the weekend. I look at this week away as a little bit of warm up for the big deal! 18 years of blessings is something to celebrate!!

God has been good to us. But then God is always good. Even when we can't see it, or feel it, even when life's circumstances seem to be bringing us down, God is still God. Sovereign, Holy, Faithful and Loving. Even when I suffer from one of those days where it doesn't feel like my antidepressant is doing it's job or my body betrays me. Even when paying work dries up.  Even when the dreaded writer's block bonks me on the head. No matter what my circumstance, God is good and God is for me.  So, take that dry inkwell! Take that mood disorder! Take that fibromyalgia! Take that empty piggy bank!

A gust of wind has just risen up outside, bringing with it a fresh whirl of falling leaves. It serves to remind me that our God is always there to bring refreshment even as He brings change. I will rise to welcome it.

the blank page

Writer's Block.

That darn cursor blinking at me. Taunting me. Daring me to write something, anything!

I try and I delete.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

I walk away. I say this will pass. I come back and I try again.

Delete. Delete.

the inkwell is just dry.

Part of the problem is wrapped up in an email I received awhile back from an editor/publisher friend. I figure I did something either incredible brave or incredible stupid. I sent her one of my unedited manuscripts for some constructive critiquing. Help! I said. I don't know what to do with this. Her response was overwhelming. First, in that she agreed to even read it. Second that she took the time to reply in very detailed and helpful ways. Thirdly, and probably most overwhelmingly, is the task before me. Actually doing the work of rewriting this novel. She ended her email by asking if I was up for the challenge.

I want to say yes. Yes, as in "I'm all in" but the truth is I am: Scared. To. Death. The task feels so big and I feel so small. I feel overwhelmed even before I begin so I don't start. I know, I know, the old "how do you eat an elephant", but honestly, that's still rather daunting.

I say I'm waiting for rainy weather when it will be easier to tie myself to the desk and start writing. I say I'm going to start tomorrow. I say I can do this. Then I say but do I want to?

Wouldn't it be easier to just do nothing and then never have to face failure? Yet isn't it failure to not even begin?

So, then I try to write other things.

And...

Writer's Block.

maybe someone is trying to tell me something...

When Your Muse Goes On Strike

the muse is on strike.

It's been pretty dry around here. Creatively speaking of course. I have been staring at a blank space to post in for several days now. I think I have something... I pose my fingers over the keys and.... Nothing. Nada. Zip.

It happens. Not very often for me but it does happen. The Writer's Block, the lack of inspiration, creativity, even the need to just vent, goes out the window and in despair I close the lid on my laptop and walk away. But that's okay. I know this too shall pass.

Today was the gathering for our monthly women's writers group. We kicked this group off in February and we only meet once a month so it's been slow getting up to speed. In fact, it feels like we are still in the On-ramp. Aside from my sis and me, the others who signed up for the group have been scarce. Today it was just sister and me. Even our leader was unable to attend! That was okay, because she asked me to step in. My sister and I brainstormed on some different things we might try to make it easier for others in the group to attend. We'll have to see what comes of our ideas.

Meanwhile, my sis lent me a book called "The Playful Way to Serious Writing" by Roberta Allen. It's a delightful book chock full of prompts to get you rolling on your blank page. With writing exercises in the form of questions, images and statements all giving verbal directions and visual cues, I am planning to let it push start me.

The author writes a lot about Energy, in the sense of it meaning the impulse to write. Here is a direct quote from the book: Energy is the force behind the words. It is the power deep inside that drives you. It is the desire to bring forth something that has never before existed. It is the passion to give form to your deepest feelings, your deepest longings, your dreams, your fantasies-- who you are. 

Ah, yes. I think I feel some energy stirring right now.