Moving On, Moving Forward

I found this awesome quote the other day by Monique Duval and I just loved it so much I decided to share it... both on my facebook page and here:

She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” in the sky.” 

I feel like this quote describes my life from the moment I stepped into the path of healing and seeking wholeness and learning who I really am, as a woman, as a contributor to society and most importantly as a child of God.

Life is a constant and the only thing we can count on staying the same is change. We have to be ready for it. Change is something many of us really, and I mean, REALLY struggle with but yet is is what keeps life exciting. We do not live static lives. 

I am ready for change. I am nervous, facing another unknown but I have faith that God will guide and protect me. I don't know what will happen or when, just that it is time. I gave my 2 weeks notice at work this week and while I am filled with questions over this choice, (am I doing the right thing? what will happen now?) I know that once I reached the decision, there was a peace that descended that helps balance out those fears. 

It has been so gratifying to hear the responses from my boss and co-workers, expressing sadness over my decision to leave but they also understand that this is something I am choosing to do because I need to take care of myself, not because I am unhappy in my job.

Funny how peace and anxiety can co-exist. For as always, when we choose to move to someplace else in life, there are those moments of questioning and wondering and second guessing ourselves  Even when I have felt 100% sure of a decision and know I will not be looking back, there comes a whisper in the recesses of my mind, checking to see if I have any doubts. I still look back on my days of owning my business and wondering if I bailed to soon or if I could have handled things differently. But then I see this quote and I am filled with delight as the sense of freedom rises in me and makes me indeed want to dance and write a new language!

I am looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be, knowing that the God who holds me in the palm of His hand will continue to guide and protect me, stretch me perhaps, a bit more than I think I can go, but protecting me nonetheless.

He will do the same for you if you let him.

The "D" Word

I am going to write this post before I lose my nerve.

I have been struggling for some time emotionally speaking in addition to dealing with physical pain. The last 2 weeks being off work has allowed me time to admit that things are not as they should be. I am not making it folks. I am floundering, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, angry (irrationally so at times) and lethargic, and the things I normally should be able to take in stride are tripping me up more than my lame foot.

It's no secret that I have dealt with depression in the past. I have blogged about my depression and also about my decision to go off the antidepressants. I am not sorry that I made that decision and for almost 2 years I have felt successful in navigating life without the aid of that little happy pill. But, the time has come, is here, to face reality. I was slowly slipping back into the black hole...  have slipped.... and so back I went to the doctor today and renewed my prescription for my antidepressants.

I am also off work for a couple more weeks to allow a little more time for healing in my foot and I have to admit to an immense feeling of relief over this. Yes, it will create some new financial stress as we go without my paycheck but we'll survive this. God is in control and He will make a way.

I was wearing this necklace at the doctors office today and I added "I can do all things through Christ... and Wellbutrin!" and we had a good chuckle. I am glad I can joke about it and I am glad that I can accept my limitations with some grace.

How Do I Give My Blessing?

I love my husband's heart. He gives and he gives and he gives. It's one of the things I admire greatly about him; his desire to help others in tangible ways. I have seen him grow in this area immensely-- especially in just the past few years and it amazes me the strength of his conviction and passion to reach out to others; being the hands and feet of Jesus to those in need.

Ironically it is this same sacrificial spirit that often causes me to wonder how I fit in. When the weekend is over and I've not had any quality time with him owing to the fact that he gave all his time away to ministry, I can truly identify with what a pastor's or doctor's spouse goes through. When he is signing up for a mission adventure that will take him to the other side of the world for two weeks and the only contact we will have is on that amazing invention known as skype, I find my heart sinking even as it swells with pride.

O, the conundrum.

I remember the very first mission trip we went on together was only a few months after we'd begun dating. We took our churches youth group to work at a church in Southern Oregon for a week. He was in charge of the construction venue and I was on kitchen detail. I was impressed then with his leadership abilities and his administrative qualities. I still am.

He became quickly and heavily involved with our local affiliate of  Habitat for Humanity and I learned the joke about being a habitat widow every weekend as he enthusiastically packed up his tools and headed off to another volunteer work party. When the volunteer work yielded a paying job offer as project manager for them, I was the first one to encourage him to apply. Even as I knew it meant more 'widow' time.... I was-- and still am-- proud of him for what he does.

the first time he went on a mission trip without me we both went through a very painful realization that this just didn't feel right and we decided freely and fairly that we would not allow this again. We were either both on board for the mission or we wouldn't go. We stayed with that decision and even rejected a mission a couple of years ago because I didn't feel called to go and he chose to stay home, partly because of that. Then the call came to go to Japan with Samaritan's Purse and we both recognized that saying yes was right. Even though it meant I stayed behind. Even though it meant he was gone in the middle of winter and there were lots of chores that he normally attends to that would either not be done or would somehow fall on my (funky, sore, broken) shoulders. Even though it meant no income for the duration of the mission. Even though.... even though... even though. We knew it was something he was called to do and so I gave my blessing. I am not sorry.

Now he feels called to go to Honduras. (I do not) He feels called to lead the trip. To take other men who are ready and willing to experience being stretched in new ways for Jesus. He has talked at great length with our friends, who are full time missionaries in Honduras about the scope of the work. It's construction related of course, right up his alley and he is excited about all the aspects of the trip. Except of course for being separated from me but somehow he's making peace with that.

I am questioning the timing. I understand the work that needs to be done there and the timing on that end, the rainy season, the urgency for getting the construction underway.... But we JUST got home from Costa Rica and it's going to take weeks if not months to regain our financial footing. We may have been provided the funding for the mission trip expenses but we still sacrificed 2 weeks of paying work for both of us. I must say here that I am so thankful for how God provides! He has carried us through this time of leanness once again.
and as I explore my feelings in this post I find myself praying....

God you are so good! Please help me make peace with this decision of my husbands. I want to be the supportive wife who gives her blessing but right now I feel very cranky about it. I feel resentful of the time it will take away from us. I worry even though I know that's a sin, about the financial burden it will place on us once again. I am so tired of being in crisis mode each month at bill paying time and I wonder how the next 3 months of work will yield enough to not only catch us up but also pay it forward! I question the timing of this trip. The wisdom of it. I can survive the time apart but I don't know how well our relationship will take the quake of my not being fully on board. I want to give my blessing but I need more assurances that there's a good plan in place for taking care of us. Help me make peace with this...  shift my perspective... or shift my husbands. Ultimately this is about You. 

The Time Has Come

The time has come...
to move my mom to assisted living. I've begun the process of looking into what is available, what she qualifies for and how the whole thing works. And... I've broken the news to her, in bits and pieces. So far she's rolling with it.

There are not a lot of options for her considering her financial status but thankfully the ones I have checked into are very decent. I toured one that I think is going to be our best fit and have plans to take Mom to see it next week.

In Mom's own words she knows she's "slowed down a bit" and has wondered if she should be living somewhere else. She doesn't want to bother with meal preparations anymore and prefers to just reheat things in the microwave. Cleaning the house and even small chores become laborious when she's unsteady on her feet. I worry about her balance and her short term memory-- will she fall again? Will she remember to take her pills?

Her little apartment at my brothers is adorable and had sure been a god-send. Moving will be an adjustment. I am hopeful that the stimulation from many 'neighbors' and planned activities that the facility offers will help Mom enjoy the time she has left. I remember when my grandma, my mom's mom, was moved from her little apartment to the nursing home and how tough that was on both grandma and my mom and her sisters. On all of us really. I am hoping that the move to an assisted living facility will be better received. Shoot, if I could find a place that would cook all my meals, do my laundry and clean my room, drive me to the doctor and the store, and offer me daily activities, and still allow me the freedom to come and go as I pleased,  I'd be all over it!

If God's So Great Why Isn't He Enough?

God should be my everything. The psalmist said "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" or in another version, "I have everything I need."  In almost every psalm that David wrote the theme of praise is constant: God is Great! 

I believe this with all my heart. God is great. He is faithful, His love endures forever. His mercy is everlasting. His care for me is evident. God is, irrefutably, undeniably, overwhelmingly, GREAT. 

So why isn't He enough? 

Why is it that my worries and fears crowd my heart and mind in such a way that I diminish God's greatness? Why is it that I seek after other things for comfort, solace, fulfillment? If God is everything I need, why do I act so needy and why do I seek after other things? 

Why do I allow the pressures of unpaid bills and lack of funds to supersede the track record that my Jehovah Jireh has established in my life? Why do I let my circumstances define me rather than my identity as a child of the King of Kings? 

Why do I cast my worries on Jesus, as my bible encourages me to do, and then in the next minute pick them all back up again to weigh me down? 

If God is as great as I say I believe He is, why isn't He enough for me? 

For years, my biggest vice was shopping. Call it retail therapy and chuckle, but since I was a young girl, my monthly allowance burned a hole in my pocket and I couldn't save a dime to save my life! When I was a single mom, struggling to provide for my daughter and I, I got into some serious debt thanks to credit cards and a void I was trying unsuccessfully to fill. By the time I married Bruce, my shopping and spending habits were deeply entrenched and I had some serious addictions to battle. Now, I know when you say the word addictions,  drugs, alcohol and gambling are the things that come to mind. Say it's a shopping addiction ,and like saying retail therapy, people kind of laugh it off. But for me, I knew it was something I needed to get control of. I tried to manage it in my own power but it took the work of the Holy Spirit in my life to really break the control that unbridled spending had over me. 

The question I had to come to terms with wasn't why I was spending money I didn't have on things I didn't need, but rather what  void in my life was I trying to fill through this activity? In other words, why wasn't God enough? 

Tonight I took another look at Psalm 145... like all of David's poetry, it is overflowing with a melody of praise, of God's greatness. I was struck, really struck with the choice I have to be grateful for God's goodness and grace. I must decide to declare God's Greatness. I must commit 100% to believing that God is greater than all my circumstances. 

I will exalt you, my God and King,
    and praise your name forever and ever.
² I will praise you every day;
    yes, I will praise you forever.
³ Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise!
    No one can measure his greatness.

For a LOT of us, life's not so great. You all know of the ongoing struggle my husband and I face because of financial issues. Life is hard right now. Life without the money to live properly is really really not O.K. But even when life is not great, God still is.

 Let me say this again: When Life is NOT great, God is still great. My pastor says these two truths are not mutually exclusive, and deciding to declare God's Greatness in the face of badness can be my way of acknowledging I belong to Him.

Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts;
    let them proclaim your power.
⁵ I will meditate^[ on your majestic, glorious splendor
    and your wonderful miracles.
⁶ Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue;
    I will proclaim your greatness.
⁷ Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness;
    they will sing with joy about your righteousness.

When life is not great, I can still decide to be Grateful. This life is temporary but I know His Kingdom is eternal, and my security in Him is eternal. 

All of your works will thank you, Lord,
    and your faithful followers will praise you.
¹¹ They will speak of the glory of your kingdom;
    they will give examples of your power.
¹² They will tell about your mighty deeds
    and about the majesty and glory of your reign.
¹³ For your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom.
    You rule throughout all generations.

When life is not great, God knows. He hears. He helps and He cares. I know I am not the only person who is struggling, daily, with keeping strong, keeping the faith, keeping their head above water, and pushing forward. Finding strength, hope and help in God's Word and the presence of the Holy Spirit is something I have to choose to do--- again, declaring God's Greatness-- minute by minute, day by day. 

The Lord helps the fallen
    and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you in hope;
    you give them their food as they need it.
¹⁶ When you open your hand,
    you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
¹⁷ The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
    he is filled with kindness.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to all who call on him,
    yes, to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He grants the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
²⁰ The Lord protects all those who love him,
    but he destroys the wicked.

¹⁰ 

God is Great. I trust Him.... so I will decide to declare His Greatness... even when.... and especially when, life is not!

I will praise the Lord,

    and may everyone on earth bless his holy name

    forever and ever.

In A Heartbeat

This morning started off amazingly. Coffee with my Bible open, eager to hear what Jesus would say to me this day. Phone call with a dear friend and plans made for getting together tomorrow. A brisk walk down a blazing in colors country road that included FINALLY reaching my goal for distance! YAY! got back home, stretched, ate a hearty bowl of oatmeal, whisked around the kitchen and got laundry going. Showered and dressed. All before 10 am.

then... a phone call came.

It was not good news.

I don't really know this young couple but they attend our church. I have smiled at them from across the room perhaps, maybe murmured a good morning on occasion. Always thinking one of these Sundays I should get to know them. I don't even know their last name, or their ages, but thinking 'young' OK, old enough to have 2 little ones but still, young. I'd be surprised if they were over 30.

The news was that the husband died this morning. Circumstances are unknown as to the why and the how. I am stunned but I can't even imagine what his wife and children and other family are experiencing.

Yesterday perhaps they enjoyed a sun-filled day such as my sweetie and I did. Walking, laughing, talking. Perhaps he swung his kids up in the air and breathed in the sweetness of their giggles. Never knowing this was his last full day on this earth.

I pray, oh, how I pray he was ready to meet Jesus.

Another friend posted on facebook this morning a picture of their car that  met with a deer on his way to work today. The deer didn't make it, the car is a mess but HE walked away unhurt. Still, these kinds of things will shake you to your core.

Are you ready? If your time comes up today, are you ready to go? Do you know Jesus? that he died for your sins, that you need him to wash those sins away. That you need only accept this as truth, believe it in your heart, confess your need of a Savior. I may be clumsy in my approach but I just don't know another way to ask. Are you ready? Oh, I pray you are.

if you are not sure, please contact me or someone you know who will pray with you. don't let this moment pass you by. because we have no guarantee about the next heart beat.

Doors Open. Doors Close.

They say when God closes a door, He opens a window. Or He closes one door and opens another. I agree, but I think sometimes He has us wait in the hallway for awhile.

I'm not gonna lie; I had a rough weekend. Oh, the fundraiser went great and I will post some more about that in a little bit. But the days leading into the weekend were tinged with acid producing and fear inducing factors. You see, a door was closing and I knew someone's rear was about to get hit by it as it slammed shut. And even as I know something better is ahead, it still isn't easy letting go of a sure thing in exchange for the unknown. The sure thing being steady paychecks.

In the 4 plus months my husband has been at this new job, he has been working hard to make the job fit. To find his place and feel comfortable in it. Some days have come closer than others but never quite really got there. And in the last few weeks it has become painfully apparent that it wasn't ever going to be a good fit. Sometimes you just know it isn't going to work no matter what you do or how hard you try......
Meanwhile things were blooming with possibilities back in the self employed sector. He had a tough decision to make and  he knew it needed to be made sooner rather than later.

He took a day to think things through and I told him I would stand behind him whatever his decision. And I do. Still, when he made his decision to leave the sure thing and go back to the ups and downs of running his own business, my heart felt heavy. I am not sad that he wants to be his own boss; I am sad that the job didn't fit him better. I am glad that right now there is plenty of work to keep him busy. I am glad that he knows himself well enough to judge what was to come if he stayed on. I am proud of him for standing firm in his beliefs and for his ability to express those clearly. I am sad for the discomfort that leaving the job brought to all concerned. And I am troubled by the doubts we always find ourselves asking when we make a decision of such magnitude. Those inevitable questions of 'did I do the right thing?' I guess that just comes with the territory.

We read a book a little while ago called "Necessary Endings" by Dr. Henry Cloud. In it Cloud says:  Endings are not a tragedy to be first feared and later regretted but a necessary stage on the way to growth. Endings are a crucial way to get what we desire by shedding those things whose time has passed. 


There are benefits to ending unsatisfying work, Cloud says, and we would do well to examine closely whether things can be resuscitated or shut down. In my husband's case he felt strongly that it was the latter. So, while it does feel scary and sad, it is all part of the growth process of this thing we call "life" and it's better to embrace it and welcome it than to fight it and resist it. 


It is a process however and there is no time frame for sorting through the emotions that come with change and closing doors. Speaking of doors, I am thankful for the lighter step with which he went out the door this morning. 

I am also thankful for new days and fresh starts. For crazy little waves of hope that come in email form, like being told a job I applied for wants me to come in for an interview. I don't know for sure yet if this is one of those doors opening or if this part of the waiting in the hallway. I think it's the hallway. But the pictures hanging on the walls of the hall are nice to look at  and I'm not waiting alone. 

Growth May Require ---ooh-- Discomfort

Ouch ouch ouch. Nobody likes to HURT! And you are telling me that if I want to experience growth, I will also experience some pain? Is that how we get the term 'growing pains'?

When I first began working out, I experienced the post workout days of sore muscles. But it was a good kind of ache. I knew I was using muscles that had long been dormant and it felt good to know I was using them. I knew I was getting strong  and I liked that feeling. When I set my heart and mind to grow in my relationship with Jesus, I experienced some 'growing pains' as well. I faced new challenges and hurtles that gave me pause. If I prayed for more patience, I was given opportunities to practice patience. Uggh. That was NOT how I had envisioned it going!

Total Honesty: growth requires a little discomfort! A little inconvenience. Anything important in our lives is going to require effort and discipline. Yet how amazed we are when we actually begin to make this plan happen!

I am going to start walking through a process of changing my bad habits to good ones. And whether I apply this to the areas of exercise and weight management or my spiritual life, the process will be the same. It takes time to develop a habit whether it is good or bad.  I am learning right now about change being a process and how the process has FIVE steps.  Over the next few days I am going to be studying out the 5 steps and I invite you to walk through them with me.

The 5 steps are:
* Identifying the problem
* Prioritizing the problem
* Planning the solution
* Implementing the solution
* Following through

People often approach fitness (be it physical or spiritual)  as a journey. A journey will focus your attention for a period of time but it can fall short of process. A journey many change your location but a process changes you.

I believe that using this formula for process has been very effective for lasting change and I am willing to give it a good solid try. Are you with me?

what did i get myself into?

I know I must ask myself this question a dozen times a week. Seriously. I tend to be impulsive by nature though lessons learned the hard way have kind of helped curb it a bit. I'm moved by empathy or sympathy-- or stupidity-- and before I know it I have volunteered my time and energy for one more thing.

but, it's all good. If it's for God, it's always good. And more than that, God always redeems the time in His Awesome God-like ways.

A few months ago, my husband and I were approached by this young (young) couple at our church and asked if we'd mentor them. We'd never done this before and we were not really sure what mentoring would look like but after talking/thinking/praying about it we plunged in.... and you know what? It has been SO Awesome! We can't take credit because it's been ALL GOD but wow, it's been rewarding to be allowed this front row seat of what God is doing in their hearts and lives, both individually and as a couple. Powerful stuff!!

But I remember after one of our first get togethers with them, I looked at my husband and thought "what have we gotten ourselves into?"   I can chuckle now because, again, it's been all God, displaying His goodness and grace in such beautiful ways. All I can do is point heaven-ward and sigh with happiness and relief!

some of the commitments I take on do come back to bite me. Take my job for instance. I feel blessed to have found a job, in this economy and I feel blessed that the job is one I didn't need much training for, since it's an area I know well. Still, with in days of my accepting the position I found myself scratching my head, going, "what was I thinking?"  It's a fun job and for the extrovert it is the perfect job. For little closet-introvert me however, it can be a real struggle to keep my head above water and keep the right perspective.

I volunteered to be in charge of the church bulletin board, I spoke up and said I'd be happy to help coordinate small groups in our church and most recently I said yes to a request to help with a new church blog. All exciting stuff, using my gifts and talents and I squeal with delight over the possibilities it presents me....

uh, huh.... squealing with delight, yet squawking with Freak-Out inside.

 I DO laugh at myself. Yes, I do. Because I know that  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME. In fact, His power is perfected in my weakness.

What a great reminder. It also helps me to remember to divide things into smaller chunks. A friend of mine is going to participate in a fundraiser this summer where she will BIKE from Seattle to San Diego. PEDAL ALL THE WAY. And while the big focus is San Diego and the finish line, the present focus has to be about miles she will pedal just that day. 

I need these reminders so I don't get overwhelmed.
It's one day at a time...
one moment at a time...
or my favorite....
one sip of coffee at a time...
savor each sip!! 

A Promise of the Lord's Presence

This morning as my man was leaving the house he paused in the open door. "Have you read your bible yet this morning?"

Now, this was not a judgement call. Not a holding me accountable moment. Just a 'did you read it because i did and i want to weigh something i read' kind of moment. I invited him to share, meanwhile wishing he'd step back in the house as it's darn nippy out and I, wrapped in a towel fresh out of the shower, was on my way upstairs to get dressed. Did I say it was nippy out? Darn nippy. But I am really trying to practice patience with my man these days as he's struggling with plenty of disappointments, responsibilities and stress.

From Exodus 23: "See I am sending my angel before you to lead you safely to the land I have prepared for you." God was speaking to Moses but Bruce heard Him loud and clear this morning speaking to him. I love that Bruce was reading, that he heard God speaking to him and that he drew strength from it. I love knowing that as Bruce tromps all over Whatcom County today, with resumes and a list of places to go to, that this verse will reside in his heart and mind. That's the Living Breathing Word of God right there folks! 

It's speaking to me too. After I was dressed I sat down for my quiet time with the Lord and since both Bruce and I are following the same reading plan, this was what I read today too. it didn't jump out at me as it did for Bruce but the whole section from verses 20-33 was a fair warning and encouragement for me. 

We are both actively looking for work. For Bruce this is not a new thing by any means. Self employed in construction means always looking for the next job but for the 30 plus years he has been self employed he has needed to do very little searching as the leads have come to him through word of mouth, networking and God's provision. But now with so many people scratching and clawing for survival, and with God seemingly leading Bruce into something different than what he has been doing, looking for a job has taken on a new meaning. We are seriously considering closing down the business and letting all that is involved in that go, in trade for a regular 9-5, 40 hour work week and steady paycheck-- and, be still my heart --benefits.

And I am looking for something part time and putting my resume out there and filling out applications and checking out Craigslist and other classifieds every day. I found a job posting for a church as receptionist type position and I also applied for a receptionist type position in a secular setting. I applied at Curves in Bellingham which gave me a huge chuckle as I did so, thinking how fun it would be to do the part of the job I loved without having to carry the weight of ownership on my shoulders. more on that in a minute, I want to get back to how the scripture passage spoke to me.

It serves me more as a reminder/warning about maintaining my Christian values in the face of social pressure. I don't view myself as super susceptible to being drug down if I went to work in a secular place  but it was a timely reminder to not sacrifice what I hold near and dear in exchange for a few hours of work each week. In other words, I can trust God to supply my needs and not take any job offer that might mean I would have to give up things I am involved in, such as being a small group facilitator, or a table leader at Dream School. YAY!

So about Curves. Yup, I dropped off a resume on Monday and got a call from the owner on Wed. We had a good chat over the phone and it sounds very positive. I am going to go in on Monday to get a better feel for things. It's very part time and the hours would work fairly well for me plus I'd be able to work out-- something I have been missing terribly! I feel optimistic and enthusiastic about this opportunity.

Meanwhile, my man is checking out all kinds of opportunities. He applied online with Samaritan's Purse even though there were not any specific listings. They called the next day to ask him if he would be interested in a 90 day carpentry commitment!! it is a paying job but the catch is it's in Haiti. 

sigh. We feel pretty strongly that's just not the right place right now.

But again, we know the Lord is leading and He will lead us BOTH into the place He has prepared for us. He has promised us.

What God Calls Us To

God doesn't call us to serve so we can be comfortable. As Rick Warren says "God is more interested in our character than our comfort."

Here's an interesting question. What would you do if you were confident that God was with you? (it says in scripture, If God is for us who can stand against us? Romans 8.31)

I think too often we are afraid to get involved with anything that challenges our comfort zone, because we fear what might happen to us. (Feed the homeless? I might get mugged! Go to the mission field in --fill-in-the-blank? I might get killed!) But there is probably a higher percentage of us getting in a car accident --which we have little, if any, control over-- than something bad happening to us when we answer the call to serve. And besides not all of us are called to put our lives out there in ways such as Kimberly Smith, who fights against human trafficking in Sudan.

I'm not comfortable with the thought of going into the mission field where I might be deprived of 'things' I consider necessary to keeping me clean and cozy. I like hot showers, soft beds and warm blankets. I don't like scorching sun, bugs, and dirty surroundings. (Stink bothers me. I don't do smelly. Just a trip to the dump, standing too close to the garbage pile, catching a whiff of any offending odors sends me scurrying back to the safety of the truck cab, gasping for fresh air)

But, (thankfully) God hasn't called me to that kind of mission field. at least not today. ;)

However, the places I am being called to serve can still stretch my character. I look at my day-timer and groan when I realize that I have a commitment almost every night next week. Mentoring, school, small group, dinner party.... and I struggle to muster up the enthusiasm and energy needed to pull it off. Then the Holy Spirit taps me on my shoulder and says "Sweetie, you're not doing this alone. Remember, I am with you. My grace will carry you through it. My grace will be sufficient. In all the places you feel weak? That's when I step in and show my power!" (2 Corinthians 12.9)  It's actually kind of funny to even think that God built me this way--to short circuit when overloaded--just so that I would need Him so desperately to do all the things He asks me to do!

It would be so much simpler, easier, to just stay home and not get involved. To lead a quiet life that revolves around keeping my little house tidy and my husband well fed. And for certain seasons in my life that has been all God has asked of me. oh, and Go to church on Sunday, greet others, sing loudly, take some notes, rock some babies, wipe up spilled coffee, go home. Done for the week!

But at some point God started nudging me to do more. I resisted for awhile, hanging on to the safety net of wanting to be in control of my life and my schedule. I wanted to please God but I wasn't fully trusting Him. Then.... the truth slowly sunk in... the only real way to please God was to trust Him. This takes some wrap-my-head-around-it- action but I am getting it. When I let go of the need to control things, and start trusting God with everything, every area of my life, including my needs for comfort and safety, not only am I pleasing God but my life begins to truly make sense.

It's no secret that I have struggled with depression, and that I guard my downtime with diligence, determined to preserve my health and sanity. But what I see God teaching me is again that thing about Grace. He isn't asking me to be reckless or putting myself in harms way but to just trust Him. When I think about it that way, that whatever I enter into, if I do it with faith, then I have nothing to fear, it changes everything.

Someone recently shared with me her experience at helping with a food bank distribution and how the location for the day bordered on sketchy. She experienced no harm but it is unlikely that she will volunteer to help with this program again because of the safety issues. While I understand this kind of thinking, I am weighing it against the call to serve and wondering where the trust comes in. If God calls us to something, can we believe that He is with us in it? (question from above; what would you do if you were confident that God was with you?) Does the fear of taking risks get us off the hook from following the call to serve? Read the following paragraph and ask yourself if you think there is truth in this statement:

For a Christian, fear is dangerous. Any fear that keeps us from doing the will of God puts us out of fellowship with Him and forfeits His blessing.

(source: http://themoorings.org/life/basics/risk.html)


 I'm not saying my friend is wrong if she chooses to stay home from the next food bank distribution. Each of us must decide for ourselves where they are being called to serve. (and if we are not being called that is good reason to question our safety!)
I'm simply saying that following Christ requires us to trust. If we believe God is calling us to something, we must also believe that He will bring us through it.

Backwards in Time

He's heading to Tokyo today where it is already Sunday and on Monday he gets on a plane and flies backwards in time. what a neat trick that would be, to fly back in time? If you could, where would you go? how far back? would you try to change things or just relive the best moment?

I wrestle with the "if I could do things over I'd do this instead" syndrome quite frequently. I think when we have some tough stuff in our history that we know is a result of some bad choices we made, it is natural to wish we had a second chance so we could do it better this time. But all of the things that have happened to me, good or bad, the choices I made or didn't make, have made me who I am today. The real question then would be to ask myself "Do I like who I am today?" 

Some days, most days, the answer to that is YES. But occasionally I have moments where I question my self and think dark thoughts and wish I had handled myself better or resisted certain things... said no instead of yes or yes instead of no.


Thank God for His Grace that allows me new beginnings and fresh starts!

Things I might be tempted to change if I could do it over again....

I would have turned out for the high school play. I would have turned out for track.
I would NOT have gotten married my senior year. I want to say I would have never married him period. But I have 2 children and how can I say I'd turn the clock back and make a different choice if it takes them away? Still, I wish I had known then what I know now.

I would have gone to college. Or at the very least trade school. I still can of course but I have to wonder where I would be in my writing 'career' if I had taken the journalism classes I dreamed about in Jr. High.

If.

But life is too short to live in the regrets unless you are going to use them to fuel you forward in life now. I am where I am because of the road I took and I do like where I am. As for the things I might not like, I can change them. That's the beauty of it. I can change my circumstances or I can change my attitude. I really do have that power.


Sometimes it is really good to look back at where we were and where we came from. Look back and really examine and appreciate the past. It gives us a new appreciation for the present and an anticipation for the future.

am I looking back or looking forward? or just sitting in the moment enjoying the view?

My Missionary Husband

Things have been a little off the radar since Bruce got the email (from God) about going to Japan. Oh, but it's been humming along there in the background, never far from our minds or activities. Bruce has been in regular contact with  Samaritans Purse and  Steppin-Out Missions. After much discussion and prayer it has been determined that he will be taking this trip to Japan under Samaritan's Purse and he has a DEPARTURE DAY of Nov. 7th!!!

We had a little flurry of activity as we had to renew his passport (renewing mine at the same time just in case....) and we put a rush on his.... $$$ but it was less than 2 weeks turn around so Praise Be to God for that! There has been some discussion back and forth about going for 2 weeks VS a month and all the pro's and con's of that decision but Bruce has decided 2 weeks is the max he can commit to at this particular time. I must admit a sigh of relief to that, although if he had decided to stay for a month I would be in full support.

We are stepping out in absolute total faith as there is at this moment, NO money for this trip. At least, not in OUR pockets. :)  But this has NEVER stopped us before from moving forward into what God has called us to. We may falter because of timing, inconvenience, practicalities and such but we know that if God calls us to something, He will always, ALWAYS make the way possible.

The money needed for this trip is just for the R.T. airfare to Japan; Samaritan's Purse will provide for meals, housing and transportation. We have learned that S.P. makes the travel arrangements (ie: purchase the tickets) and then we reimburse them.

taken by a volunteer working in Japan after the Tsunami

another Japanese home near completion of repairs

We have been looking at both the websites and facebook pages for S.P. photos and Stepping-Out  photos  of the ongoing work in Japan.  S.P. is also involved with relief housing in Haiti, Joplin MO and other places where disaster has struck. It is exciting to see God at work in tangible ways. How meeting a physical need will also speak to a person's spiritual condition. It is exciting to know that God will use Bruce as he willingly steps into the role he is called to.

My role will be to provide prayer coverage, emotional support and share with others as Bruce shares with me. Maybe this will be a door opening for both of us to step through at some point. Can I say that going to Japan is on my bucket list?    No....Not.... really.... but being obedient to God is definitely in my heart.