I'm not gonna lie; I had a rough weekend. Oh, the fundraiser went great and I will post some more about that in a little bit. But the days leading into the weekend were tinged with acid producing and fear inducing factors. You see, a door was closing and I knew someone's rear was about to get hit by it as it slammed shut. And even as I know something better is ahead, it still isn't easy letting go of a sure thing in exchange for the unknown. The sure thing being steady paychecks.
In the 4 plus months my husband has been at this new job, he has been working hard to make the job fit. To find his place and feel comfortable in it. Some days have come closer than others but never quite really got there. And in the last few weeks it has become painfully apparent that it wasn't ever going to be a good fit. Sometimes you just know it isn't going to work no matter what you do or how hard you try......
Meanwhile things were blooming with possibilities back in the self employed sector. He had a tough decision to make and he knew it needed to be made sooner rather than later.
He took a day to think things through and I told him I would stand behind him whatever his decision. And I do. Still, when he made his decision to leave the sure thing and go back to the ups and downs of running his own business, my heart felt heavy. I am not sad that he wants to be his own boss; I am sad that the job didn't fit him better. I am glad that right now there is plenty of work to keep him busy. I am glad that he knows himself well enough to judge what was to come if he stayed on. I am proud of him for standing firm in his beliefs and for his ability to express those clearly. I am sad for the discomfort that leaving the job brought to all concerned. And I am troubled by the doubts we always find ourselves asking when we make a decision of such magnitude. Those inevitable questions of 'did I do the right thing?' I guess that just comes with the territory.
We read a book a little while ago called "Necessary Endings" by Dr. Henry Cloud. In it Cloud says: Endings are not a tragedy to be first feared and later regretted but a necessary stage on the way to growth. Endings are a crucial way to get what we desire by shedding those things whose time has passed.
There are benefits to ending unsatisfying work, Cloud says, and we would do well to examine closely whether things can be resuscitated or shut down. In my husband's case he felt strongly that it was the latter. So, while it does feel scary and sad, it is all part of the growth process of this thing we call "life" and it's better to embrace it and welcome it than to fight it and resist it.
It is a process however and there is no time frame for sorting through the emotions that come with change and closing doors. Speaking of doors, I am thankful for the lighter step with which he went out the door this morning.
I am also thankful for new days and fresh starts. For crazy little waves of hope that come in email form, like being told a job I applied for wants me to come in for an interview. I don't know for sure yet if this is one of those doors opening or if this part of the waiting in the hallway. I think it's the hallway. But the pictures hanging on the walls of the hall are nice to look at and I'm not waiting alone.