28 Days Part Two

Winter isn't my finest time to begin with, given that S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) compounds my long term battle with depression. Add in some feeling pudgy and sluggish and you've got a major black cloud hanging over you.

So.. with the arrival of spring and thoughts of cute summer tops and capri's to wear, I went into a little bit of panic mode when I discovered the change in my body (thanks post-menopause) over the winter months meant those cute clothes just didn't fit right anymore. I knew I had to do something.

A few days later in a conversation with my daughter-in-law, she mentioned a diet that several ladies she knew were following. She said they were eating all the time and losing weight. But she said it was super strict, in that there were lots of things prohibited on the eating plan. Still, they were losing and liking it. I was intrigued and later that day I googled the title and did some research on the diet.

The Fast Metabolism Diet was the name of the book and author Haylie Pomroy assured readers that they could lose up to 20# in just 4 weeks through the fat burning power of food. I didn't feel I needed to lose that much but so much of what she wrote about resonated with me because of my prior days of owning my own fitness center. We taught a weight management program at Curves that espoused ways to raise your metabolism so you'd lose the weight and keep it off. (That eating plan didn't work so well for me once I realized I was wheat/ gluten --and to some degree, dairy- sensitive). I realized just a few chapters into the book that the main problem for me was that the restrictive calorie intake had messed big time with my metabolism. I also wasn't eating enough of the right kinds of foods and I needed some help to get me back on track.

Now, you might think I'd know how to eat right but I'll admit right now, in the last few years I've gotten lazy in the kitchen. My cooking had gotten into a rut and I'd been going for fast, easy and cheap when it came to food purchases and prep. And because I am wheat/gluten and semi-dairy sensitive, it's a challenge to find food I can eat sometimes. I needed a meal map to point me in the right direction. Fortunately The Fast Metabolism Diet was full of maps and pointers. A kind of GPS for my tummy!

The diet is strict: NO wheat, corn, soy, dairy, sugar, artificial sweeteners, fruit juice, alcohol and, (the biggest one for me) NO COFFEE!! (I almost said "I can't do this" when I read that part. In fact I negotiated with myself thinking I could give up all of it but the coffee but once I finished the book I decided if I was going to commit to doing this, I needed to commit fully and give it my all)
And that's what  I did. I began to wean myself off the caffeine. I sat down and wrote out a meal map of my own, using some of the books recipes and suggestions, substituting some foods with ones I liked better (but that were still on the approved foods list) I prepared a shopping list. Best of all, my husband said he wanted to do this with me!

While the diet is strict, and with that list, you think "well, what's left to eat?" but honestly, I've never eaten better! Fresh fruit, veggies by the bushel full, lean meats--organic and nitrate free whenever possible, healthy fats like almonds and cashews, hummus and  avocados. Yes, I've missed my coffee and cream but it's not for forever. It's 28 days of eating strategically, designed to light your metabolism on fire! I've not felt deprived or starving and when I'm hungry it's because it's time to eat not because I've had to skip a meal to try and justify calorie intake.

 I feel better than I have in years! I have energy and stamina. My digestive issues have settled down to almost nothing. I've had only one bad day of fibromyalgia symptoms and I know it was related to snacking on some questionable food items at a party. I've lost inches all over and definitely seen a reduction in that troublesome tummy area! And weight loss? As of this morning I've dropped 10 lbs and am at the lowest weight I've been since... I can't remember when! (hubby reports he's lost about 5 lbs and definitely feels better and really loves and appreciates the wholesome goodness of the meals)

Bottom line is... it works.

coming next.... What follows 28? 

When No Becomes Yes

If you read my post on  Divine Appointments and then the follow up Handling Disappointments, about the whole job opportunity for my sweetie that didn't come to pass, this may be of special interest to you.

When the "divine appointment" happened, we clearly could see it was a God-orchestrated thing. And then, after the interview, when they called and said "sorry, but not at this time", we trusted there was still a lesson in all of it and we'd just roll with it.

Then, last week a couple of things happened.

First, a little out of the blue, Bruce was offered a part time-short term position with our church helping assess a maintenance position that needed to be filled. He thought that sounded rather interesting and said sure, why not.

On the heels of this, another call came in and.... yep, the job that didn't happen was now calling back asking was he still interested? (Apparently, the first person they offered the position to, didn't work out.) Short story is, he will start working full time for the building supply company in March!

(Insert insanely happy dancing and yippy-ki-yaying here)

Our take on this is that given the way the job came to his attention in the first place (with a little bit of shock) and considering the internal struggle he has wrestled with,(is this really what I want to do?)  God was just giving him more time to think on it. And to flex that ol' trust muscle a little more. The interim position with our church is also an interesting piece of the pie and I am sure the next 30 days will prove to be greatly beneficial in ways we are yet to discover.

It humbles me and scares me at the same time. One thing I am learning over and over again is that when we choose to be Christ followers, we allow God to be in control. The journey with God is best enjoyed when we let Him choose the vehicle that will transport us from one adventure to the next. The best thing I can do is get in, buckle up and let God drive. When I let God have His way with me, I experience that Peace that Passes Understanding, for which there is no comparison.

This new job for Bruce is going to be an adventure for sure. Thirty-some years ago, God led him into construction, kicking and screaming, and then he discovered how well suited he was for it. We're trusting that God's leading into a different realm of the construction world is just as big a part of God's plan for our lives as it always has been.

Imagine That!

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, 

because he trusts in you." 

Isaiah 26.3

Having peace of mind in troubled times can often feel unobtainable. I don't know about you but when I'm worried or anxious, my imagination can run wild. I start thinking of all the things that can go wrong, and it just mushrooms from there. Peace feels like a fuzzy concept. I desperately want it but it seems just out of reach.

The bible tells me that the only way to have peace is to 'fix my mind' on God. I recently learned that the word 'mind' in the Isaiah passage does not refer to the mind as in logical, rational. problem solving but it's the word for 'imagination'. It's our imaginations that can cause us to lose our peace.  I'm learning that the only way to fix my mind on God is to grab hold of my (run away) imagination and bring it to Him.

There's a great lesson is the quote "Don't believe everything you think."  There's been a lot of "junk food" my mind has been fed over the years. Junk food like "you're worthless" or "God doesn't care about your needs." As a result, I can't be trusted to tell myself the truth all the time. It's not enough to just erase the old tapes; I need to replace those thoughts with something else.

When I let my mind have control I will copy the behaviors and customs of this world, but when I let God have control, He will transform me into a new person by changing the way I think. (Romans 12.2)

2 Corinthians 10.5 tells us to "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." I have an imagination given through God's design but instead of using it for negative scenarios, why not instead imagine all the great and marvelous works my God is capable of? Instead of imaging all the bad things that can happen, I can concentrate on all of His marvelous works, provisions and His Sovereign Grace. I'm choosing today to let God shape my imagination.


Now Glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more that we would ever dare to ask or even dream of-infinitely beyond our highest prayer, desires, thoughts or hopes. May He be given glory forever. Ephesians 3.20-21

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

A sobering realization hit me the other day. There is a lie buried deep in my subconscious that I have taken as truth. Its probably been there since childhood and it has shaped how I interact with God and live my life in relation to Him.

To get this, I have to bring some background into the picture. I was raised in a "God-fearing" church environment. When I say "God- Fearing" I mean just that. I thought of  God as Mighty King and Judge because that was how He was presented to me by the men who preached each Sunday. When I was nine years old I prayed the prayer asking Jesus to save me. I prayed it because I was afraid I was going to go to hell and burn forever.

It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I came to understand that God was more than just someone to fear. I got my first taste of the loving-kindness of Jesus when in my broken state of pre-divorce, with all my ugly hurts spilling out and consuming me, I needed His Grace, Love and Mercy so desperately.  Crying out for Him, He responded: "I want to restore your soul. But I have to have all the pieces."

Full surrender on my part was the key and in that moment I was able to turn to Christ in a way I never had before. Instead of my cries for help based on fear and desperation, I was brought to my knees by His abundant love for me and His desire to have a real relationship with me. That was the turning point and when real growth took place in my walk with the Lord.

Many times of significant healing took place over the next several years and I could feel the chains being broken, link by link, and each day my wings unfurled just a little bit more, allowing me to fly by His grace. Yet, a damaged wing would continue to keep me flying close to the ground, never rising up as high as He or I would love for me to go. I figured this was "OKAY" because He said that in my weakness, I am strong, His grace being all sufficient.

So back to the lie buried inside me that I was accepting as truth. Somewhere, somehow, I came to believe that many of the mistakes I have made are living on in the form of punishment. Punishment from God the Judge. I made a lot of mistakes in my teen years. Running away from home. Marrying at 17. Choices in that first marriage that resulted in years of emotional damage and psychological abuse. I made a lot of mistakes in the years following the divorce, regarding my children and other relationships. And I GET that from choices come consequences. That despite forgiveness we will still have to live with the repercussions of our actions. But it was more than that for me. I was/am still living under the banner of punishment to some degree.

For example. I have had periods of estrangement with both of my children. My son was 13 when I left his dad and things have been strained (to put in mildly) between us since then. The guilt I carry over the way things played out has crippled me in my ability to rebuild a bridge between us. Even though I know that I did the best I could given the broken state I was operating from, and even though I have sought forgiveness from God and from my children, I still struggle with guilt. On some level, I must still believe that I was/am a horrible mother. On some level, deep down, based on all the bad decisions I made, I must think I don't deserve to have a good relationship with my children.

For example. I have had issues with money management from early on. As a single mom I got myself into some deep doo-doo financially. Then I married Bruce and continued to make some poor choices. I'm not talking credit card debt or high stake loans, just every day un-wise, over-spending on things.  A few years ago I got some good prayer council that turned things around for me and I have been able to work with the monthly budget and stick to it. Yet, I realized the other day that on some level I have come to believe the lie that says our current financial issues are a direct result of my past mistakes. That our current situation is a punishment from God the Judge.

Like I said; this has been buried deep inside me, causing me to operate on a subconscious level effectively stunting my spiritual walk. It is time to go back to the basics.... If I confess my sin He is faithful and just to forgive my sin... and He removes my sin as far as the east is from the west. In His eyes I am now forgiven. Righteous.

The enemy would have me believe otherwise, in an attempt to rob me of my joy and of my ability to live in the fullness of Christ. I am coming to see how thinking I should be punished has caused the broken wing that keeps me flying so close to the ground. Yes, I have to live with the consequences of my actions-- if I spend the paycheck unwisely we wont make it to the end of the month-- but facing financial chaos isn't punishment from God. The consequences of my rebellion as a young woman, ultimately resulted in estrangement from my children, but it's not punishment from God.

I am prayerfully committing to having this lie removed from my heart, mind and soul. I am choosing to believe that I am forgiven. I am choosing to live like I am forgiven. In Christ I am a new creation.

I may need (daily) reminders of this until it sticks, but blessedly I know where to go for it.

Focus, Focus, Focus!

Managing my emotions has always been an area of challenge for me. I mean, come on! God made me a passionate woman with strong feelings about certain things. It's not just my streaks of red hair talking when I get worked up about something. It's coming from a place deep inside me and honey, if you can't handle it, get outta the way.

I remember the days of PMS and the hormonal rage I swung through on a regular basis. I remember too the erratic mood swings in the weeks that followed my hysterectomy in my 30's. After years of being stifled  and monitored in my previous relationship, it was with a certain streak of pride that I let loose all those pent up emotions and just laid 'em out there for the whole world to see and hear. I chuckle about this now but I also shudder because I know the way I acted those days were really nothing to be proud of.

Then, there are the days where the depression puts me in a place I often refer to as 'beige'. Days of feeling nothing. Not weepy sadness, not explosive anger, and certainly not joy. I think sometimes those days of feeling nothing are much worse than the days of highs and lows.

What I take away from all of this is that while God created me with a fiery personality, with emotions that can and do take me from one end of the spectrum to the other, He also created me with a brain.    Hello.  
I can manage my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to manage me.

Let me say that again. I can manage my emotions rather than allowing my emotions to manage me. 

I have the ability to CHOOSE my reactions to life. I have the ability to CHOOSE how I face today. If I decide that today is gonna suck, guess what? Ain't no amount of new shoes or chocolate gonna make me smile. The shoes'll be the wrong color and the chocolate won't be dark enough. If, however, I decide that today is going to be a day of rejoicing, I can rest assured that this day is gonna bless me and I will be able to bless others because of it.

It all comes down to making up my mind that this day is going to be joyful. I have no control over whether I get a flat tire, or my purse strap breaks while I'm shopping causing it to slide across the floor with me in hot pursuit, but I do have control over how I react to that. I can remain calm and call Triple A for the flat tire. I can laugh as I chase down a tube of lipstick that has rolled away like a bowling ball. That feels so much better than sitting on the side of the road crying or worse, kicking the tire and cursing. I. Have. A. Choice.

My bible study reading today reminded me that if I am willing to focus and make my decisions not based on feelings alone, I can count on God to be faithful to give me the strength I need to face whatever comes at me.

"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in insults, hardships, persecutions and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12.10

It might take some extra focus on days I feel especially vulnerable but it is still a choice I can make. And I will choose JOY.

Living Simply; Simply Living

Living out of a suitcase for a couple of weeks can have a profound effect on one's life believe it or not.

Living with erratic cell service, cut off from the internet and relying on battery powered lighting can also do it. When you are traveling for several days and you need to keep the food on ice, you might prepare food and eat differently than normal too.

You find all kinds of ways to practice simplicity and you learn to not only get good at it, but you start to really like it. Love it even.

There's something to be said for waking up with the sun and going to sleep at dusk. There's a magic lull that happens when you eat by candle light or under the stars. When the only sound you hear at night is the lake gently lapping the shore or the hoot of an owl and come morning its the coo of a dove and the rustle of grass from a curious deer.

We lived simply for the two weeks we were on the road. I packed way more clothes than I ever needed and learned a lesson in that. I found what was comfortable and stuck with that, putting the rest at the bottom of the basket.

Taking sponge baths or dips in the lake made me realize how much I took hot showers for granted but I found I rather enjoyed the quaintness of heating water for my morning routine. I let my make up and hair product rest in the drawer and turned my face to the sun for color.

Coffee perked the old fashioned way never tasted so good. The smokey flavor of  grilled meat and the sizzle of eggs in a pan delighted me in ways a cappuccino machine can never do.

We lived simply and we ate simply. Yet we never felt deprived and we relished every meal. We developed a system for cooking and cleaning and the partnership it created was fun. I cook. He cleans. Likewise our traveling: he drives, I navigate. Setting up camp got easier each time as we both had our roles to play and didn't have to be reminded of it, we just did it.

We lived simply and we simply lived. Without the distractions of the world wide web we could sink back into the soft pillows of the hammock and get lost in a good book. We took hikes and enjoyed the sounds of rushing water over the creek bed. We saw wild life up close and struggled to breathe in altitudes we were not used to. We reveled in the majesty of God's Creation: mountains and crevices, rolling hills dotted with trees and brown grass. Snow capped mountain peaks, whistling marmots and chattering squirrels. The thrill of seeing a big black bear as it meandered in search of berries!

Curiosities in the form of road side attractions and tourist traps. Pulling over when the mood strikes and buying ice cold coke from a funky little store in the middle of nowhere. When your shopping list is as complicated as "eggs and milk" and your needs are whittled down to a shady place to park and water to cook with, you know you are living simply. Living simply but simply living. Rejoicing in the simplicity of life and how much pleasure it can bring if you just stop long enough to drink it in.

I've been in a bit of a post-vacation funk since we got home. Part of it I can probably blame on the rapid change in weather-- definitely feeling like that next beautiful season is fast approaching and wanting to stretch summer out for a few more weeks. But I think a great part of it has to do with the busyness of life rushing in to claim me once again. For two weeks we put our regular routine on hold but when you go to collect your mail after 2 weeks and start sorting through the bills, when you have meetings to attend and decisions to make and your calendar is full of activities.... all clamoring for your attention, all threatening to steal the peace you worked so hard to achieve while on vacation... well.... post vacation funk, plain and simple.

But the mantra that has been rolling over in my mind since our return is going to be the mantra I use to hold on to some of that vacation tranquility. Living Simply, Simply Living.

If I can live simple and find joy and peace and contentment in the practice of simplicity while on vacation, can't I find it here in my every day life? What changes would I need to make to live simply in order to simply live?

It's nice to know that as I explore this I have the Burke-Turque sitting right outside my front door. If push comes to shove I can always move out there for a day or two to remind myself of how to live simply and simply live.

What's in Your Bread Basket?

Jesus said "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." (John 6.35)

I'm gluten intolerant. It has taken some adjusting but eventually I got the hang of it. I got past the withdrawals of not having toast for breakfast or a muffin with my coffee. I learned to cook using substitute flours or pastas or just going without. It didn't kill me. In fact, I feel healthier. But the kind of bread Jesus was talking about wasn't the hot, fresh out of the oven, smothered with butter kind. He said HE WAS the bread. A few posts back I wrote about the Woman at the Well and her wanting Jesus to give her the water that would forever quench her thirst. Here, Jesus is saying he'll not only satisfy your thirst, but he'll satisfy your hunger too.

Life is full of things that promise to fulfill us but they are most often temporary or, worse, counterfeit. I love to shop and my husband once asked me 'how many pieces of clothing does a woman need? when is it enough?" (Silly question. My answer was rhetorically phenomenal: How many tools does a man need before he has enough? When he sat there is a seemingly stumped silence I added: clothing are MY tools for looking good for you. Ha ha!)  Yet in all seriousness, while that little rush I get when I make my purchase is fun, it doesn't last. When I eat my lunch, it won't be but a few hours before I am ready to eat again. That's the way my body was designed. It needs food-fuel on a regular basis to run properly. So it is with my spirit. I need regular fill ups from Jesus and just once a week on Sunday isn't going to do it. I want to be hungry, fiercely hungry, for the only ONE who can give me what I really need.

I have tried some gluten free breads. Hmmm....... Let me just say, they never measure up. I might not notice it in brownies (put enough sugar in something and it is bound to taste good) but when it comes to making a sandwich? Sorry, gluten-free bread, you just don't satisfy. It's gotta be the real deal or nuthen'. It's the same with Jesus. Those counterfeit substitutes will not fill me in a way that will sustain me.

When the Israelites wandered in the desert for those 40 years, God sent manna from heaven to feed them. He didn't dole out a portion once a week to carry them through till the next week. No, God supplied what they needed that day. He gave them just enough for the day and every morning there was fresh manna. Jesus is still in the bread business. He offers us a daily portion of Himself hoping we will come with a hunger only He can meet.

If I passed around a bread basket at the dinner table and you pulled out one of the gluten free products, you might be a little disappointed. (a LOT disappointed) Especially if you were expecting hot, fresh out of the oven bread, smothered with butter. Yet, how often does the breadbasket of life choices fall short of offering true satisfaction?

I have often find myself trying to fill up my soul with substitutes. Yes, the shopping. Yes, watching a movie or reading a book (not a bad thing by any means!) Sometimes its frivolous things; mani-pedi time. But probably by far the thing that occupies my time more than anything are the social media outlets.  I'm not saying any of these things are wrong. What I am saying is I recognize that often I am trying to fill a void in my life that only ONE can fill yet I keep going for the counterfeit basket of bread.

I was recently challenged (convicted) in my spirit to make some changes about how I spend my time. In an effort to re-prioritize, and to re-focus, I decided to unplug from facebook for awhile. This is day one, and I have to admit, it's harder than I thought it would be. Having that smartphone capability has made it too easy to allow other things to distract me or entertain me when I might be doing things that would be of far more value. I keep picking up my phone and twiddling with it, determined to NOT GO THERE. I have plenty of other things to do but I guess I hadn't really realized what a habit the facebook thing has become.
I said once that it has to be "God's book before Facebook" but even that rule has gotten bent a time or two.
So this week I am taking a deeper look at this thing called the Bread of Life, examining how I can better use my time to bring glory to the One Who Is Worthy.

So, tell me friends; what's in your bread basket?

Moving On, Moving Forward

I found this awesome quote the other day by Monique Duval and I just loved it so much I decided to share it... both on my facebook page and here:

She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” in the sky.” 

I feel like this quote describes my life from the moment I stepped into the path of healing and seeking wholeness and learning who I really am, as a woman, as a contributor to society and most importantly as a child of God.

Life is a constant and the only thing we can count on staying the same is change. We have to be ready for it. Change is something many of us really, and I mean, REALLY struggle with but yet is is what keeps life exciting. We do not live static lives. 

I am ready for change. I am nervous, facing another unknown but I have faith that God will guide and protect me. I don't know what will happen or when, just that it is time. I gave my 2 weeks notice at work this week and while I am filled with questions over this choice, (am I doing the right thing? what will happen now?) I know that once I reached the decision, there was a peace that descended that helps balance out those fears. 

It has been so gratifying to hear the responses from my boss and co-workers, expressing sadness over my decision to leave but they also understand that this is something I am choosing to do because I need to take care of myself, not because I am unhappy in my job.

Funny how peace and anxiety can co-exist. For as always, when we choose to move to someplace else in life, there are those moments of questioning and wondering and second guessing ourselves  Even when I have felt 100% sure of a decision and know I will not be looking back, there comes a whisper in the recesses of my mind, checking to see if I have any doubts. I still look back on my days of owning my business and wondering if I bailed to soon or if I could have handled things differently. But then I see this quote and I am filled with delight as the sense of freedom rises in me and makes me indeed want to dance and write a new language!

I am looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be, knowing that the God who holds me in the palm of His hand will continue to guide and protect me, stretch me perhaps, a bit more than I think I can go, but protecting me nonetheless.

He will do the same for you if you let him.

it's a chai latte kind of day

and time for a little 'me' time. you know what they say: all work and no play makes Robyn a dull girl. Actually it makes me cranky, as my husband (or my sister) might be the first to attest to!! So today, a little pampering took place.

I had a FREE massage to indulge in right after work this morning. massage is always good. free is even better. because I am friends with someone who is going through the massage program at our local college, and because she and another student need people to practice on... well, I have managed to score some wonderfully relaxing and beneficial massages in the last few months. Lovely.

After my massage, I dropped off a basket of clothing at one the consignment stores I like to frequent. found a delightful little turquoise cardigan to brighten up my spring wardrobe. traveled on a little further and secured a corner table at my favorite coffee shop. Armed with the Wi-Fi code and the chai latte, the rest of the afternoon stretches before me. Deeeee-lightful.

I have been continuing to process my husbands upcoming mission trip. Yep, he is definitely going to Honduras next month. And.... I'm still not 100% on board. I still think the timing is wrong for us. While the house he is currently working on will be wrapped up by the end of this month and the next job is not slated to start till the end of April, it still feels like a gamble for him to go. I know how long it takes us to bounce back financially after a hiatus from work of any length. We have discussed this trip and our widely different feelings and views on it and not moved any closer to a place of agreement. It's a very uncomfortable feeling for both of us.

What we have reached is a compromise of sorts. I have decided he has heard enough of my feelings on the subject and what he needs from me now is support. I may not be able to give a whole hearted blessing but I can offer prayer. I may not be able to get excited about it but I can refrain from any more negative comments.

I was also impressed upon with the thought that I do trust my husband. I recognize and accept his role as spiritual leader and head of the household. Because of that, I know that he is the one who will be held accountable for decisions made, good or bad. I am trusting that while I don't think this is the best decision (to go on this trip at this particular time) it isn't the worst decision either. I can trust that God will use this situation to bring something out of it that gives Him the ultimate glory.

Coming to this place of resolution does bring me some measure of peace. Add to this a massage and a lovely cup of chai tea and I think it doesn't matter anymore that today it's raining.

Moving Mom

Part 1.

We looked at the assisted living facility together yesterday, Mom and I. I had a little chat with her before we arrived in which I laid out the facts in simple direct terms.
1. you have to move
2. the choices are limited by your insurance and what you can afford.
3. I have narrowed it down to what I think is the best place for you.
4. Please go with an open mind and a positive attitude.

I believe we'll have to revisit this list often in the coming weeks....

Rosewood Villa is actually quite lovely. She will have a private room with her own bathroom. Plenty of room for some of her furniture; bed, dresser, table and chairs, recliners and of course her TV. The apartment comes with a mini fridge and a microwave but all her meals will be provided for her in the dining hall. There is a large picture window in each room and the view in her room features a courtyard garden below and a hillside mountain above the roof lines of other buildings. There are several large gathering areas, such a library and a Rec Room, where she can entertain guests if her room feels too crowded. Lots of other amenities are available to the residents if they so choose to make use of them. Trips to go shopping, bible study, exercise classes, scrapbooking or sewing. Plenty of things to keep one busy and stimulated.

The visit went about as well as I could expect. For all of my adult life I have been aware that my mother is hard to please. She is definitely not a glass half full kind of gal. So I knew she would find plenty of things to not like about the place. Most of all I am aware that she doesn't like the simple fact that she has to move. So, it starts and ends right there which is why I pointed that out to begin with. And continued to point it out as the tour commenced and her complaints interrupted the conversation with our host. And will continue to remind her of as the weeks progress.

She didn't like the room on the 2nd floor which is the room available to her. It was too far from the dining room which is on the ground level. She didn't know how she'd ever find her way around. She was already turned around and had no idea how she got where she was. She didn't like the view because all she could see from where she was standing--in the middle of the room-- was the roof line of the front of the facility. Reminded that on a clear day she'd be able to see the mountains above, if she would just look up did nothing to appease her. Encouraged to come closer to the window and gaze down on a lovely courtyard she shrugged her shoulders and refused.

She didn't like the bathtub. She has a walk in shower at home. We discussed the safety issues of getting into the tub and she shrugged again, tuning us out. Discussing the walk from her room to the elevator and on to the dining hall was also met with resistance. She was determined to not like anything we presented to her.

So, I finally sat her down and chided her. "You have to move. You may not like it but them's the facts. Not liking it won't change that. So the best thing you can do is accept this. You think you don't have many choices and that may be true. But you can find the positive in this. It's a matter of attitude and that you do get to choose."



I have gotten so much positive feedback from family and friends regarding Rosewood Villa and that has done much to assure and reassure me. My siblings are backing me up in the decision about where we move her and that means a lot!

After the tour and an assessment from the facilities nurse to make sure Mom meets the physical/mental requirements for assisted living, the question was put out there. What would we like to do next? My answer, despite the cranky woman slouched against me, was firm and sure. "I'd like to pursue moving her here."

When I took Mom home later that afternoon and we revisited the "List" from above once again, I also repeated what I'd said about choosing her attitude. With a heavy sigh she nodded. And hugged me. "I still love you."

I guess no matter how old we get, we still want and need our parent's approval.

Bind My Wandering Heart to Thee

In my last post, I asked myself WHY, if God is so great, He isn't enough for me. What are the things that distract me from making Him my main focus? What is it about those 'other things' that convince me to pursue them instead of finding the fullness of Christ? 

I love the old hymn, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"  but one verse in particular seers my heart with fresh pain when I stop and examine the words and see them play out in my life. 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!

I am so indebted to God's Grace in my life. The word 'constrained' means to be limited, held back, or hindered. I am limited or hindered in my ability to take in the greatness of what God did for me! Perhaps this is in part due to being raised in a Christian environment, asking Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old. I don't have a Gutter to Gospel testimony about being saved from the ravages of life. Sure, I have wandered off the path but I have never forsaken my faith. So, perhaps I have become  a bit lethargic over the years, complacent in my beliefs, lukewarm in my love and passion for Jesus. Perhaps I have grown desensitized to the overwhelming greatness of God's love and sacrifice. This is a tragedy! I don't want to feel cold and apathetic when it comes to God's Love!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

The word 'fetter' means chain, or shackle. To tie up. To have my wandering heart shackled to the goodness of God. What a powerful image. Nobody likes to think about being chained, I'm sure. I remember my mother made a vest for my little brother when he was around 2 or 3. It buttoned down the back and it had an O ring on it. From this she snapped a long light weight rope and attached it to a clothes line that ran the length of our side yard from tree to tree. While she worked in the garden she would tether my little brother to this line and would be able to turn her back on him, allowing him to roam freely as far as the line would allow. She didn't have to worry about him wandering into the roadway, or the cow pasture or anywhere else danger lurked. I used the same thing on my son when he was small. It allowed them freedom in that they could play unhindered to the extent that they were also free from any hazards . I guess I would like my heart to be fettered to God. Shackle me so that I can explore life in the safety net of Christ. 

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Such an ironic desire. I've been Unshackled from sin and the penalty of sin, which is death, set free to live a life of fullness yet here I am asking to be shackled again only this time to give me more fullness of life. Because I am prone to wandering. I get off the path of righteousness over and over again. I mentioned in my previous post my penchant for overspending. Yes, God set me free from this "addiction" but the danger of falling back into it is always present. I still love to shop---  it's not called retail THERAPY for nothing-- so it becomes really easy to slip into the danger zone. I have to practice restraint. I have to set limits for myself. Even simple things like getting groceries requires me to be disciplined and prayerful. 

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.... prone to leave the God I love.... yes that's me.... over and over and over again. I am properly chagrined when I examine my actions and even my thoughts.

 Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it.... 

To seal something in biblical times was to guarantee it. In 2 Corinthians 1:22, it talks about how Christ put his seal of ownership on us, identifying us as His own: and he has identified us (set his seal of ownership) as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.

And what has He promised us? Eternal life. Sealing it for those courts above. 

So, as I go about my days, and each one will bring more striving and failures as that is the way with my human nature, I will also strive forward, for more of God, less of me. 

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing written by Robert Robinson. You can read a little bit about him and his story here

If God's So Great Why Isn't He Enough?

God should be my everything. The psalmist said "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" or in another version, "I have everything I need."  In almost every psalm that David wrote the theme of praise is constant: God is Great! 

I believe this with all my heart. God is great. He is faithful, His love endures forever. His mercy is everlasting. His care for me is evident. God is, irrefutably, undeniably, overwhelmingly, GREAT. 

So why isn't He enough? 

Why is it that my worries and fears crowd my heart and mind in such a way that I diminish God's greatness? Why is it that I seek after other things for comfort, solace, fulfillment? If God is everything I need, why do I act so needy and why do I seek after other things? 

Why do I allow the pressures of unpaid bills and lack of funds to supersede the track record that my Jehovah Jireh has established in my life? Why do I let my circumstances define me rather than my identity as a child of the King of Kings? 

Why do I cast my worries on Jesus, as my bible encourages me to do, and then in the next minute pick them all back up again to weigh me down? 

If God is as great as I say I believe He is, why isn't He enough for me? 

For years, my biggest vice was shopping. Call it retail therapy and chuckle, but since I was a young girl, my monthly allowance burned a hole in my pocket and I couldn't save a dime to save my life! When I was a single mom, struggling to provide for my daughter and I, I got into some serious debt thanks to credit cards and a void I was trying unsuccessfully to fill. By the time I married Bruce, my shopping and spending habits were deeply entrenched and I had some serious addictions to battle. Now, I know when you say the word addictions,  drugs, alcohol and gambling are the things that come to mind. Say it's a shopping addiction ,and like saying retail therapy, people kind of laugh it off. But for me, I knew it was something I needed to get control of. I tried to manage it in my own power but it took the work of the Holy Spirit in my life to really break the control that unbridled spending had over me. 

The question I had to come to terms with wasn't why I was spending money I didn't have on things I didn't need, but rather what  void in my life was I trying to fill through this activity? In other words, why wasn't God enough? 

Tonight I took another look at Psalm 145... like all of David's poetry, it is overflowing with a melody of praise, of God's greatness. I was struck, really struck with the choice I have to be grateful for God's goodness and grace. I must decide to declare God's Greatness. I must commit 100% to believing that God is greater than all my circumstances. 

I will exalt you, my God and King,
    and praise your name forever and ever.
² I will praise you every day;
    yes, I will praise you forever.
³ Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise!
    No one can measure his greatness.

For a LOT of us, life's not so great. You all know of the ongoing struggle my husband and I face because of financial issues. Life is hard right now. Life without the money to live properly is really really not O.K. But even when life is not great, God still is.

 Let me say this again: When Life is NOT great, God is still great. My pastor says these two truths are not mutually exclusive, and deciding to declare God's Greatness in the face of badness can be my way of acknowledging I belong to Him.

Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts;
    let them proclaim your power.
⁵ I will meditate^[ on your majestic, glorious splendor
    and your wonderful miracles.
⁶ Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on every tongue;
    I will proclaim your greatness.
⁷ Everyone will share the story of your wonderful goodness;
    they will sing with joy about your righteousness.

When life is not great, I can still decide to be Grateful. This life is temporary but I know His Kingdom is eternal, and my security in Him is eternal. 

All of your works will thank you, Lord,
    and your faithful followers will praise you.
¹¹ They will speak of the glory of your kingdom;
    they will give examples of your power.
¹² They will tell about your mighty deeds
    and about the majesty and glory of your reign.
¹³ For your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom.
    You rule throughout all generations.

When life is not great, God knows. He hears. He helps and He cares. I know I am not the only person who is struggling, daily, with keeping strong, keeping the faith, keeping their head above water, and pushing forward. Finding strength, hope and help in God's Word and the presence of the Holy Spirit is something I have to choose to do--- again, declaring God's Greatness-- minute by minute, day by day. 

The Lord helps the fallen
    and lifts those bent beneath their loads.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you in hope;
    you give them their food as they need it.
¹⁶ When you open your hand,
    you satisfy the hunger and thirst of every living thing.
¹⁷ The Lord is righteous in everything he does;
    he is filled with kindness.
¹⁸ The Lord is close to all who call on him,
    yes, to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He grants the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cries for help and rescues them.
²⁰ The Lord protects all those who love him,
    but he destroys the wicked.

¹⁰ 

God is Great. I trust Him.... so I will decide to declare His Greatness... even when.... and especially when, life is not!

I will praise the Lord,

    and may everyone on earth bless his holy name

    forever and ever.

Orientation: DONE!

And we're home again!

No matter where I may roam and no matter what our adventures may be, there is nothing like coming home. Even if the cat has left several little deposits of 'barf' for me and the house is cold and there is all this unpacking to do.... even still, it's just good to be HOME.

It was another long day, but at least I slept better last night so that when the alarm went off at 5 it didn't make me cringe. Actually I woke up about 5 minutes BEFORE the alarm went off and laid there appreciatively until I needed to disarm it. As the day before I needed to be at Orientation by 7 and as the day before my sweet chauffeur drove me. (He was feeling better this morning, thank you Jesus for healing touches!!)

I was struggling to keep my eyes focused by lunch break and again, there was no coffee to be found. Someone mentioned a cafeteria that had vending machines so I set off in search of this oasis. Alas, the vending machine that dispensed coffee was out of order! And I was feeling too chilly to choose a coke. I decided to walk the perimeter of the inside of the processing plant.

the large photo shows a man riding one of those tricycles with a large basket on it. I want one of those!

I don't know how to convey how large this place is but it took me 20 minutes to walk the perimeter of JUST ONE ROOM. We are talking HUGE!

As I finished my round I spied another 'break room' and dashed in to see if this one had a coffee vendor. It did and the selections looked fantastic! I gently fed it my crinkled dollar and pushed the selection for French Vanilla Latte. I heard the gurgle and then watched in heartbreaking dismay as the hot golden liquid was dispensed...... right down the drain!! Yes, the COFFEE was working but there were NO CUPS!!! Can you believe it?? I nearly wept.

But not to be undone by this misfortune I trudged back upstairs to the conference room where our orientation was being held. I could do this. I sent an S.O.S. text to Bruce who was going to be checking out of the motel soon and had plans to hole up at the nearby Starbucks until it was time to pick me up. I wanted him to be sure and bring me a coffee! About an hour later I received a reply from him that he had been at Starbucks, until it lost Power and everyone was asked to leave. So now he was sitting in the car in the parking lot outside the Postal Processing and Distribution Center. What could I do but laugh at this news?

You know, it really is a choice we can make about how we handle frustrations or challenges. As I sat with my table group this afternoon we were given several different scenarios to discuss and problem solve.One of those scenarios had to do with waiting in a long line at the post office. Another was about mail being delivered to the wrong address. We were to look at this from both a customers point of view and a postal employees point of view.  I was amazed with the sense of entitlement that many of my classmates had. There was a real sense of anger and hostility from several of them over having to wait in line for more than 5 minutes for service. There was even more anger conveyed over being a resident who didn't get her mail on time. I listened for a long time before I spoke up and said (in response to the wait time) "I think a lot of life is about waiting." One of the women at my table gave me the stink-eye over my comment but another woman sort of nodded in a contemplative way as if to say "you are right, and maybe we shouldn't get so uptight about it." I thought but did not say, in response to the lost mail complaint, that we could all learn a lesson in offering grace to ourselves and to others. After all, we are humans and humans make mistakes. I intend to do my best to not make mistakes in my new job but I know how easy it will be to transpose some numbers in an address and put a letter in the wrong box. I won't be doing it on purpose and I hope if someones mail is delayed a day because of that mistake, they will offer me a little extra grace.

I hope I will do the same for those who might step on my toes from time to time...

I am grateful to be done with orientation and looking forward to actually starting training and work at my little post office next week.

And grateful for my sweet hubby who took me to a different Starbucks after he picked me and bought me a yummy Cinnamon Dolce to celebrate my completion. And again, I am grateful to be.... HOME.

Doors Open. Doors Close.

They say when God closes a door, He opens a window. Or He closes one door and opens another. I agree, but I think sometimes He has us wait in the hallway for awhile.

I'm not gonna lie; I had a rough weekend. Oh, the fundraiser went great and I will post some more about that in a little bit. But the days leading into the weekend were tinged with acid producing and fear inducing factors. You see, a door was closing and I knew someone's rear was about to get hit by it as it slammed shut. And even as I know something better is ahead, it still isn't easy letting go of a sure thing in exchange for the unknown. The sure thing being steady paychecks.

In the 4 plus months my husband has been at this new job, he has been working hard to make the job fit. To find his place and feel comfortable in it. Some days have come closer than others but never quite really got there. And in the last few weeks it has become painfully apparent that it wasn't ever going to be a good fit. Sometimes you just know it isn't going to work no matter what you do or how hard you try......
Meanwhile things were blooming with possibilities back in the self employed sector. He had a tough decision to make and  he knew it needed to be made sooner rather than later.

He took a day to think things through and I told him I would stand behind him whatever his decision. And I do. Still, when he made his decision to leave the sure thing and go back to the ups and downs of running his own business, my heart felt heavy. I am not sad that he wants to be his own boss; I am sad that the job didn't fit him better. I am glad that right now there is plenty of work to keep him busy. I am glad that he knows himself well enough to judge what was to come if he stayed on. I am proud of him for standing firm in his beliefs and for his ability to express those clearly. I am sad for the discomfort that leaving the job brought to all concerned. And I am troubled by the doubts we always find ourselves asking when we make a decision of such magnitude. Those inevitable questions of 'did I do the right thing?' I guess that just comes with the territory.

We read a book a little while ago called "Necessary Endings" by Dr. Henry Cloud. In it Cloud says:  Endings are not a tragedy to be first feared and later regretted but a necessary stage on the way to growth. Endings are a crucial way to get what we desire by shedding those things whose time has passed. 


There are benefits to ending unsatisfying work, Cloud says, and we would do well to examine closely whether things can be resuscitated or shut down. In my husband's case he felt strongly that it was the latter. So, while it does feel scary and sad, it is all part of the growth process of this thing we call "life" and it's better to embrace it and welcome it than to fight it and resist it. 


It is a process however and there is no time frame for sorting through the emotions that come with change and closing doors. Speaking of doors, I am thankful for the lighter step with which he went out the door this morning. 

I am also thankful for new days and fresh starts. For crazy little waves of hope that come in email form, like being told a job I applied for wants me to come in for an interview. I don't know for sure yet if this is one of those doors opening or if this part of the waiting in the hallway. I think it's the hallway. But the pictures hanging on the walls of the hall are nice to look at  and I'm not waiting alone. 

Family Trumps Everything

Four years ago my heart splintered as I watched the truck and u-haul that carried my daughter, son-in-law and 3 precious grandchildren, and their belongings, pull out of our driveway.

my daughter and i have had our fierce times. our good times. laughing together. dancing in the rain together. crying together. screaming matches. (not my favorite memories) slamming doors, slamming hearts. but always, always, she has been my baby girl. no matter what choices she has made, or choices i have made, we are and always will be mother and daughter. unbreakable bond.

We live in the north-westest corner of the USA. They moved to Florida. Not someplace you can just hop in the car and drive to.....

For 4 years we have talked about visiting. It is easier for us to go to them in terms of travel arrangements. Several plans were dashed by the evil nemesis known as finances. unforeseen expenses. unplanned emergencies. unwanted hardships. "not this holiday. maybe next" was something I said so often I wanted to scream.

Now. Now the time is here. No more next times. This is our time. Now.
Through a set of circumstances that I can only thank God for, our time to visit them is now. We were blessed with a windfall that allows us to go and spend the first part of June with my grandchildren and their mommy.

In my heart I am dancing.

In my brain I am second guessing our choice.

I have shared openly the bumpy road we've been on the last long while. And the amazing ways God has worked to keep us in one piece. Using family, friends and circumstances to bless us, encourage us, support us. How can I thank all of those who have been there for us? We didn't deserve it, we didn't quite know how to act when people stepped in to help us. And we don't take these things lightly. Like Mary, we treasure these things in our hearts.
Forever.

I suppose the frugal responsible thing to do when this blessing arrived would have been to pay more bills. But a dear dear friend said to us the other night, in a catchy little paraphrase "the bills you will always have among you..."
"but family trumps everything." I finished.

So, I will gladly forgo some things we need (but can live without) and wait on other things for however long we must wait and do without. Because in a little over 30 days, I am going to see my family. My babies.
My heart sings.
My heart soars.
Indeed, my heart is already there.

Let's Do This Thing

If you have been following the posts here on Embracing Change, we are at Step FOUR which is Implementing the Plan.

To be honest, this one is a toughie for me right now. I want to follow the plan in my Curves Fitness & Weight Management book but it does require following a special food plan. Of course there are adaptions that can be made; exchange options. This will require me to be even more deliberate and thoughtful. And that can get old for me real quick. BUT -- and this is an important BUT-- I DO want to make this change and I do want success.

Regardless of what diet plan we decide to follow, there is always one fundamental step. Replacing the bad foods with healthier choices. It is suggested that we clean out our cupboards of everything processed and sweet. This can be a toughie when your budget will not allow you to purchase foods needed for following the program. (why is Top Ramen so cheap and things like fresh fruit and veggies so expensive?? Grrrr)

Still, I need to make this month my own: Stick to the plan and don't make a new decision after I begin. Each day I might be tempted to reconsider my decision. Don't reconsider-- recommit!

I said I would walk for 30 minutes every day. I said I would work out at Curves 3 x a week. I said I would follow the food plan to the best of my ability. For one month I will do this.

The magic of this month is the change that happens. This is where process kicks in!

 
Gaining weight happened gradually. It is estimated that the average woman gains about 2 lbs a year. It sneaks up on you till one morning you no longer can zip that sweet little skirt shut or carrying your toddler up the stairs strains your knees more than you care to admit. Excess weight chips away at our quality of life so gradually that we don't notice it till it's significant.

Losing weight happens the same way but in reverse. When you are feeding your body right and exercising it well you can see progress but it may feel small and inconsequential. Take heart! No progress is insignificant!