Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

A sobering realization hit me the other day. There is a lie buried deep in my subconscious that I have taken as truth. Its probably been there since childhood and it has shaped how I interact with God and live my life in relation to Him.

To get this, I have to bring some background into the picture. I was raised in a "God-fearing" church environment. When I say "God- Fearing" I mean just that. I thought of  God as Mighty King and Judge because that was how He was presented to me by the men who preached each Sunday. When I was nine years old I prayed the prayer asking Jesus to save me. I prayed it because I was afraid I was going to go to hell and burn forever.

It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I came to understand that God was more than just someone to fear. I got my first taste of the loving-kindness of Jesus when in my broken state of pre-divorce, with all my ugly hurts spilling out and consuming me, I needed His Grace, Love and Mercy so desperately.  Crying out for Him, He responded: "I want to restore your soul. But I have to have all the pieces."

Full surrender on my part was the key and in that moment I was able to turn to Christ in a way I never had before. Instead of my cries for help based on fear and desperation, I was brought to my knees by His abundant love for me and His desire to have a real relationship with me. That was the turning point and when real growth took place in my walk with the Lord.

Many times of significant healing took place over the next several years and I could feel the chains being broken, link by link, and each day my wings unfurled just a little bit more, allowing me to fly by His grace. Yet, a damaged wing would continue to keep me flying close to the ground, never rising up as high as He or I would love for me to go. I figured this was "OKAY" because He said that in my weakness, I am strong, His grace being all sufficient.

So back to the lie buried inside me that I was accepting as truth. Somewhere, somehow, I came to believe that many of the mistakes I have made are living on in the form of punishment. Punishment from God the Judge. I made a lot of mistakes in my teen years. Running away from home. Marrying at 17. Choices in that first marriage that resulted in years of emotional damage and psychological abuse. I made a lot of mistakes in the years following the divorce, regarding my children and other relationships. And I GET that from choices come consequences. That despite forgiveness we will still have to live with the repercussions of our actions. But it was more than that for me. I was/am still living under the banner of punishment to some degree.

For example. I have had periods of estrangement with both of my children. My son was 13 when I left his dad and things have been strained (to put in mildly) between us since then. The guilt I carry over the way things played out has crippled me in my ability to rebuild a bridge between us. Even though I know that I did the best I could given the broken state I was operating from, and even though I have sought forgiveness from God and from my children, I still struggle with guilt. On some level, I must still believe that I was/am a horrible mother. On some level, deep down, based on all the bad decisions I made, I must think I don't deserve to have a good relationship with my children.

For example. I have had issues with money management from early on. As a single mom I got myself into some deep doo-doo financially. Then I married Bruce and continued to make some poor choices. I'm not talking credit card debt or high stake loans, just every day un-wise, over-spending on things.  A few years ago I got some good prayer council that turned things around for me and I have been able to work with the monthly budget and stick to it. Yet, I realized the other day that on some level I have come to believe the lie that says our current financial issues are a direct result of my past mistakes. That our current situation is a punishment from God the Judge.

Like I said; this has been buried deep inside me, causing me to operate on a subconscious level effectively stunting my spiritual walk. It is time to go back to the basics.... If I confess my sin He is faithful and just to forgive my sin... and He removes my sin as far as the east is from the west. In His eyes I am now forgiven. Righteous.

The enemy would have me believe otherwise, in an attempt to rob me of my joy and of my ability to live in the fullness of Christ. I am coming to see how thinking I should be punished has caused the broken wing that keeps me flying so close to the ground. Yes, I have to live with the consequences of my actions-- if I spend the paycheck unwisely we wont make it to the end of the month-- but facing financial chaos isn't punishment from God. The consequences of my rebellion as a young woman, ultimately resulted in estrangement from my children, but it's not punishment from God.

I am prayerfully committing to having this lie removed from my heart, mind and soul. I am choosing to believe that I am forgiven. I am choosing to live like I am forgiven. In Christ I am a new creation.

I may need (daily) reminders of this until it sticks, but blessedly I know where to go for it.

PAID IN FULL

A HUGE burden was lifted from my shoulders yesterday. So huge, in fact, that I think I will be experiencing the feeling of lightness for weeks to come, perhaps even months.

Just a little over 20 years ago a judgement was handed down as part of my divorce. At the time the amount decreed my responsibility seemed insurmountable, given the fact I was a single mom, working in a minimum wage job. The monthly pay arrangements that my lawyer was able to negotiate were ridiculous low, for which I was grateful, yet the amount of time it would take to pay off the debt, was overwhelming. This debt would be with me for a long time. Think home mortgage long. Adding to this burden was the feeling of injustice, given the facts. As you may know, in my first marriage I lived through a tidal wave of abuse and was forced to go along with things that went deeply against my moral compass and my spiritual beliefs. I truly felt at the time that I had no choice but to go along with whatever crooked scheme my ex had concocted and now as a result, there were debts and transgressions in my name. Debts which I was now saddled with repaying, transgressions that were mine to try and repair.

Right about the time this judgement was given, a new face entered the picture. Yes, the love of my life. I remember the night when shortly after I realized we were heading down the path of seriousness, I felt it was time for full disclosure. I was SCARED TO DEATH to tell him about this giant financial burden I carried, because I knew if we did marry, which indeed it seemed was the direction we were heading, it was a burden that would also impact him. To be honest, he was taken back-- quite a lot, if the expression on his face meant anything-- but he has always had a gracious, forgiving and compassionate nature and so with the best understanding he could muster he said we'd face this together. Ah, bless this man. BLESS this man!!

(aside note: at the risk of mushiness, I just have to give GIANT KUDO's to the man God has seen fit to bless me with. He is indeed the peanut butter to my jelly. The blue in my sky... the... well, you get the picture...)

SO. As I was saying.... 20 years ago a judgement was handed down and every month for the last 20 years I have dutifully made a payment. Some times I was able to increase the monthly set amount, some months it was a struggle to come up with the minimum. For 20 years this judgement, which has always been about more than just the money, has been a part of my life. I would write the check and send that payment off knowing the debt was being chinked away, a little at a time, and I would try to not think about the whys and the therefore's but it was always, always present. Hidden in the shadows maybe, but there none the less.

I made peace with it to a certain degree over time, as God was restoring all the broken places in my heart, mind and soul. First, I had to face my part in all of it. I was a rebellious teen who ran away from home, dated the boy my parents forbid me to, lied and finagled my way to be with him. I had to admit that no one forced me to marry him. I may have felt I had no choice in many things in my life during the marriage but I did have to own up and take responsibility for my actions. I had to forgive myself for the wrongs I did, whether it was of my own volition or something forced upon me. And I had to forgive my ex for the things he put me through. Those things were instrumental in healing and achieving a certain sense of freedom.

We live in a society where debt is common place. We take out loans and mortgages and have credit cards for all the things we want NOW but can't afford. What's one more bill to pay? But this was a bill that was attached to a bitter, shameful past. If I am honest, each month, when I allowed myself to think about what that payment represented, the old hurts would rise up and I would once again have to wrestle with forgiveness and letting go.

But, as I was saying, a HUGE burden was lifted yesterday. I opened my mailbox and found the official document proclaiming my debt PAID IN FULL, the judgement satisfied. I pressed that letter to my chest and let the tears flow. Tears of sorrow for the past, tears of rejoicing for the present and tears of hope for the future. Like I said, I am sure I will be experiencing feelings of lightness for some time to come.

Can I just take another moment to say that this feeling is but a small drop in the bucket compared to the enormous feelings of joy knowing my sins have been forgiven. That Christ PAID THE DEBT IN FULL, when He died for me. That He satisfied the judgement against me once and for all. I am FREE. In Jesus Christ, I am FREE.

W.R.O.N.G.E.D.

As mentioned in a previous post, I received a wonderful email from a very treasured friend the other day. This was on a heels of a delightful visit with her in which she listened intently with her heart as she always does. I ended up sharing with her about the recent 'sucker punch' I'd experienced. Her love and affirmations were such a balm and I knew God had given her the perfect words to say to me that day. Then she reminded me of a period of hurt she had gone through and what God had given her to help her work through it. She promised to send me a copy of the words she had written down based on that and in addition has given me permission to share that here. She calls it W.R.O.N.G.E.D. which is an acronym for 7 steps of forgiveness that have helped her immensely. I am reading and re-reading through it and letting the words soak in deep as I pray through the steps. I share it, with her encouragement, hoping it also helps another on the road to recovery. 

W.R.O.N.G.E.D.

~Steps to Forgiveness~

W- Willingness to forgive. This is definitely the first step to the forgiveness process. I have to be willing to forgive knowing that Jesus forgave me so much, and who am I to hold onto it. The fact that Jesus says that if we do not forgive men their sins against us, our Father won’t forgive us, but if we do then He will - that is a strong motivator for my willingness to forgive. It is a good place to start.

R- Recognize that they didn't intentionally mean to do damage to me. That they are wounded people who have not the capacity to see the hurt they have caused. They are so caught up in their own pain that they projected it onto me. Recognize that Hurting People Hurt People. I have to get to the point where I can see them through Jesus eyes and say from my heart like He did to His murderers, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they are doing". I am trying very hard not to take it personally. It is not necessarily about me.

O- Offer up all the pain. I have to take this heart breaking pain and take it to the cross and put it into a giant trunk that sits there. I have to keep coming back over and over to dump my pain in. All the pain of feeling that I have failed as a person. The grief that I am suffering that says I wasted my time, love, energy and life on this one who has so damaged me. When the trunk is full I will put a huge lock on it and bury it there at the foot of the cross. My trunk is getting close to being full.

N- Navigate the emotions. I see myself in this forest of my emotions that I am lost in and Jesus comes along and says, "Walk with me through these emotions, I will tell you where you need to turn and I will take you out of the forest and all the emotions of sadness, confusion, anger, bitterness, disappointment, discouragement, and despair will not trap you anymore. Jesus shows me the way to get out of the forest of emotions.

G- Give grace generously. I have to remember that "she who has been forgiven much, loves much". I want to be the kind of person that can give out of the overflow that has been given to me. Grace is that unmerited favor that none of us deserves, yet we have been given so freely. Give it away.

E. Expect deliverance. I cannot allow the enemy to rob me of any more of this precious life that God has given to me by tormenting me with this lie. I expect that He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. I expect that his tactics to take me out of the game are his feeble attempt to de-rail what God wants to do through me in this life, I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS ANY LONGER, AND TODAY I EXPECT DELIVERANCE, IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!

D. Delight in the JOY OF THE LORD!!!  Restore to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me. He is my joy and my delight, and in His Presence I find everything I need. When I am not delighting, that means that I have slipped out of the Presence and allowed the enemy to slip in. REMAIN DELIGHTING!!!

my deepest appreciation to my lovely friend C.T. who shared this with me.  

It's blessing me... and I hope it, as I do all my blog posts, blesses those who read it.

A Bruised and Tender Reed

A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.  

Isaiah 42:3

This morning I received in one of my daily email devotionals, a word, for me, about healing. I also received an email from a treasured friend that contains timeless truths about healing and forgiveness. So timely, so apropos for my circumstances right now.

The devotional (which can be read in it's entirety by clicking the link) spoke about the reeds found in the Red Sea and how the children used the reeds as toy flutes. A sweet image comes to my mind as I picture that. I can imagine the children making a joyful noise as they played along the river banks. The piece went on to say how delicate the reeds were and how easy it was to damage one so that using it as a flute was no longer possible. 

How many of us are as tender as a reed? I like to think of myself as fairly tough, resilient, but when I am hurt, it hurts deep. The recent confrontation that I shared here is still a fresh wound. I still feel bruised and jagged from the encounter. It has helped to share with a few trusted friends the more intimate details of the wrong and know that I am surrounded by praying, caring individuals who are bringing a balm to my broken soul. And I know God is so very near; why else would the timing be so perfect for healing words to come? 

In the midst of pain and sorrow, with Christ at our sides, we can all experience joy. Submitting the hurts to him makes all the difference. To quote the writer of today's devotional piece: If God can make a melody from the hollow reeds of a swamp, imagine what he can do with the willing spirit of a man or woman?

Today I am going to the memorial service for the mother of one of my friends from high school. I was able to reconnect with this friend at my high school reunion last summer and I am blessed to be able to go today and offer whatever support I can. I imagine she is feeling as delicate as a reed from the Red Sea as well. I pray God will use me today. By submitting my willing spirit to Him, I believe He can. 

the sucker punch

We're not all going to always get along. We're human. We're all wired differently and at times those wires cross and we might get a little 'shock' from the other. It's part of life and I think for the most part we probably all take it in stride, forgive and forget and move on. But what happens when someone you trusted, admired and respected pulls the rug out from under you? What about when that someone is a brother or sister in Christ?

I was reading the passage from Acts where Paul and Barnabas disagree sharply over bringing John Mark with them on journey. (Acts 15: 36-40) It says their disagreement was so sharp they separated. none of the commentaries I've looked at go into great detail over the argument and of course the woman in me wants to know all! What the commentators do say is that it was not a matter of theology or doctrinal issues that brought them to separation. And they did not allow the issue to derail them from their respective efforts to keep sharing the gospel.

It is my sincere hope that the issue that has come up between me and another will not impede anyone in their spiritual journey.

Still, the issue occurred, the hurt was inflicted and the relationship is broken. The waves of pain over the injury wax and wane like our weather. I wake up some mornings and feel angry. Justified anger. Then the anger simmers and confusion and frustration come to a boil. I feel like crying. I feel like yelling. I make jokes to lighten the mood and think of a myriad of biting comebacks that "I wish I'd said." Then I work on forgiving and forgiving again.....

It isn't the first time a 'friend' has let me down. It wont be the last. But this one really caught me off guard. A real sucker punch. I honestly did not see this coming even though some clues were there. I expected better treatment I guess, a little more respect, a little more grace. Perhaps they had none to give and so the Lord is asking me to give it.  We're working on that one, me and Jesus.

I think it is important to allow ourselves time to heal. Forgiveness is expected as a follower of Christ ( ... make allowances for each other's faults, and forgive the person who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others... Colossians 3.13) but forgiveness does not make the hurt automatically go away. Think about a time you smacked your leg on the open cupboard door or stubbed your toe... or someone stepped on you toe? and it hurts!! Even if the person who stepped on your foot apologizes and you forgive them, the ache in your foot doesn't immediately stop hurting. It takes time.

And during the healing time, we process. I know I do. I replay the conversation and try to understand where they were coming from. Searching out for what I might have done to prevent the whole incident from occurring. Considering how THEY might have done things differently... and there were SO many ways it could have been handled differently, better, and in ways that had left me more intact!

Maybe that is what hurts the most. The way they went about it... shredding me verbally, with such venom that it still causes me to take a deep breath in at the shock of it.

Deep breath.... cleansing breath... praying.... for peace... calming.... healing.... forgiveness....

it's a process.

I'm getting there. The funk has cleared somewhat. I don't feel like I'm sinking into the dark cloud of depression like I did last week. My husband and I talk a lot, sharing how we're feeling today. We have a good prayer support and safe places we can share in more detail as needed.

Spending time in Colossians 3 is a cure all of sorts for me. I recommend it to others when they are struggling and I am applying it liberally in my life right now.

I found this in a book by the wise and wonderful Max Lucado:

Perhaps the wound is old. A parent abused you. A teacher slighted you. And you are angry.

Or perhaps the wound is fresh. The friend who owes you money just drove by in a new car. The boss who hired you with promises of promotions has forgotten how to pronounce your name. Your circle of friends escaped on a weekend getaway, and you weren't invited . .

And you are hurt.

Part of you is broken, and the other part is bitter. Part of you wants to cry, and part of you wants to fight. The tears you cry are hot because they come from your heart, and there is a fire burning in your heart. It's the fire of anger. It's blazing. It's consuming. Its flames leap up under a steaming pot of revenge

And you are left with a decision. "Do I put the fire out or heat it up? Do I get over it or get even? Do I release it or resent it? Do I let my hurts heal, or do I let hurt turn into hate?" . . .

Resentment is the deliberate decision to nurse the offense until it becomes a black, furry, growling grudge.

Unfaithfulness is wrong. Revenge is bad. But the worst part of all is that, without forgiveness, bitterness is all that is left. [Max Lucado LET THE JOURNEY BEGIN p. 71]

I don't want bitterness to grow. Been there, done that. So, we're working on this.... me and Jesus, we're working on this....

Holy? Blameless?

My first day at work is behind me. I am enjoying the warmth of my heating pad against my aching back and the crackling fire. I'm exhausted from head to toe! I woke up at 3:45 to go to the bathroom and never went back to sleep!!! I laid there all snugly warm under the thick layer of blankets and tried REALLY HARD to go back to sleep but trying doesn't make it so!!! So I was almost relieved when the alarm went off at 5.

The BIG thoughts on my mind today however have little to do with the new job. In my morning bible reading, what jumped out at me from the good book of Colossians was the reminder that because of what Jesus did for me at Calvary, I now stand HOLY AND BLAMELESS, WITHOUT FAULT, BEFORE GOD.

You know just the fact that I can come into HIS presence should be enough to hold me in awe but when I think (and cringe) over some of the things I have done in my life... (even in the last 24 hours) my feelings of awe go even deeper.

God sees me as Holy.

God sees me as blameless.

God sees me without fault.

think about what each of those things mean for a moment.

~~~

I count myself as so deeply blessed because I am married to a man who seems to either have a very short memory or he is just the most forgiving man on the planet; he exemplifies love, as Christ loves, every day to me in the way he holds no record of my wrongs. This man has shown me daily what and how to love like Christ truly means. Yet my husband is not perfect (sorry honey) and as much as he loves me and shows Christ's love to me, it is still a pale comparison to the Love of God.

So, how much more does God love me? How much more does He forgive? I know how I feel knowing my husbands love.... to reflect on Christs love is very hard to actually take in....It's a powerful thing to think on and this is what is knocking around inside of me this day.

Smack Me With a 2 x 4

I have been following the blog time warp wife and occasionally participating in this month long marriage challenge. Today's challenge has done just that. Challenged me in an area that I guess God thinks I need to improve on. Sigh.

Today's Challenge:

I challenge you give your husband a break today. Choose to forgive, especially if there is something that’s been eating away at you. Let it go. Act as if it never happened and watch how God heals.




Here is my complaint against my husband. 
Last night we both had an event at church to attend. We ended up in separate cars because of timing.(he was L-A-T-E) , After the event, he got home before I did. (I was driving the carpool van) Not a lot ahead of me, but enough time had passed that he was already in bed and sound asleep. Dead to the world asleep. 


One of my biggest pet peeves is over good nights and good byes. I want to be said good night to. Don't just disappear from the room without telling me good night! 

HELLO!!!

He knows this. Because I have repeatedly commented, asked, nagged told him how I feel about this. I want to be kissed good night. I want to be kissed hello and good bye and just because. Touch happens to be my love language and second would be acknowledgement.(words of affirmation.) So the kiss and the words 'good night' both convey love to me.  You care enough to tell me these things.  It comes through loud and clear. And when you don't.... well, that speaks to me loudly just as well.


So, when I came home last night, tired, and after dark, I wanted to know that he cared enough to stay awake to welcome me home. I walked in to a quiet house. Well, quiet except for the log-sawing going on upstairs in the bedroom that alerted me to the fact he'd already gone to bed!! 


I could have cut him some slack. In fact,  I tried. I stood at the foot of the bed looking at his sleeping form and knew he had had a long, cold, wet, tiring day and he was exhausted. Still, the thoughts that ran through my mind were along the lines of "What if I had car trouble or an accident. What if I didn't make it home? How would he even know?" (when he is asleep he is dead to everything. he would not hear the phone ring) 

These kind of thoughts immediately fed my insecurities. He doesn't care about me. At least not enough to even stay awake for a little while longer to make sure I got home safely. 

Hmpfff. 


And I tacked this offense on to the list of previous offenses-- other times when he has forgotten about kissing me good night and speaking in my primary love language.


This morning breakfast was served with a heaping side of attitude. Take that, I thought as I slapped pancakes onto his plate. And that! As I slammed items into his lunch box. 


From a safe distance my husband observed " You are mad at me."


I wasted no time in assuring him this was so. And I gladly shared with him the reason WHY. He apologized and said he supposed he could have waited in the living room recliner --and fallen asleep there -- so that he'd have been more likely to awaken when I entered the room, but he was just so tired.... and I nodded. I understood but it didn't make the offense less hurtful. I want to feel cherished by my husband and these kinds of things make me feel ignored, not loved. 


For some time now I have tried to adopt an attitude of lowering my expectations. I figure if I can't change my love language to something he speaks fluently, (I tried and it didn't work very well. I am who I am) then the next best thing would be to expect less. I won't expect you to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand. I won't expect you to tell me I look pretty or that you enjoyed my company. I won't expect you to give me what I need. 


At first glance this sounds reasonable. But I realized this morning as I read the time warp wife challenge that by doing that I was really treating my husband with disrespect. I am still sorting through this concept and trying to figure out where to go from here but I have to start by forgiving my husband for his actions. And let go. I don't need to lower my expectations. I need to let it go. Accept whatever he is able to give me and leave the rest up to God. 


Yes, I still want to be kissed good night. Yes I still want and need to be affirmed by my spouse. But I am going to chose to love him --and ACT LOVING, whether he does those things or not. I will choose to not hold a lack of these things against him. 

and then watch how God heals.

still sniffling

Aaa-CHOO!  Oh, sorry, I hope you won't catch this. It's been quite some time since I have been way-laid by a cold. (thank you Airborn and NetiPot) While it is usually my husband who falls the hardest when a bug comes along, it looks like this time it's my turn. I suppose the busyness of the week has helped increase things. I just haven't had much time to rest.

Last night we attended a Money Management Class at our church. While the teaching is excellent, the material great and the principles all make sense, AND we will not regret taking the class, the simple fact is, if we had a more steady income, we wouldn't struggle with managing the money!!  (construction for the small business owner in this present economy coupled with moving into what is traditionally known as the slow season really compounds things)

When we got out of the car to go to class Bruce picked up my purse for me. Usually he won't touch my purse. (If I ask him to get something out of my purse for me he brings me the purse-- says trying to find anything inside intimidates him! lol) So it surprised me that he grabbed it. And, in my effort to NOT act like a control freak and yank it from his capable hands, I let him carry it until we met up in front of the car. I typically use my little Ameribag (full of pockets and hide-aways, guaranteed to truly intimidate a man!!) So as I took my purse and began to sling it over my shoulder, I automatically checked the outside pocket where I tucked my cell phone. It was empty.

I thought for a moment and realized that in the shadowy light of the parking lot, as Bruce had approached me with my purse, it had looked like my purse was kinda upside down. Which means things can fall out. Being a man who won't touch my purse means he would not have a clue about HOW to carry my purse. Still trying to not act anal I said as nonchalantly as I could "Oh, my cell phone must have fallen out of the pocket."

"Oh. Is that what I heard? I thought maybe a pen dropped out."

I looked back at the now locked car. I don't need my phone with me for this class. In fact I would have put it on silent for the class. So leaving it in the car , on the floor of the car, would be fine and as we were late for class, just leaving it where it was worked for me.

It never occurred to me that the pinging noise he heard happened OUTSIDE of the car.

It was raining last night.

We were in class for 90 minutes.

When we got back to the car, the first thing I did was cast around inside the car for my phone. When I did not see it on the floor of the car I exclaimed.... sweetly, calmly   "Is my purse on your side of the car floor????"

before he could answer I was looking under the car... in the dark.... in the rain.....

Have you ever tried to find a small black object on a black surface without any light?

Still, I found it. My poor little cell phone.

It was still on. It was wet but it was still on. I dried it off and dialed a number. ring. ring. ring.  it sounded a million miles away. when Bruce's voice mail came on the words sounded like they were under water. I turned it off and set it on the dashboard of the car and we drove home with the heater/defroster going.

and had another *lively* conversation about a woman's purse and why didn't he say the ping he heard was OUTSIDE the car and how could he have thought I went back and got it when I never left his side and there's a reason he doesn't like to touch my purse and so why did he and shouldn't I be commended for not acting like a control freak and do you think my phone is going to be alright?

it's not like I value the phone more than our relationship. Look, we just came from a money management class! Do you really think I want to have to PAY to replace the stupid phone before it's time for the free upgrade???

then silence reigned in the car and aside from the windshield wipers it was just me sniffing all the way home.


A night nestled in a bag of uncooked rice has my phone working  just fine today, and my sweetie with his short term memory and long term grace has no recollection of any crankiness displayed by his wife.

I know. It makes me sniffly too. But he still won't touch my purse again.

Saying Good Bye

In the last week and a half I have learned of the death of 2 people from my past and I am mourning their passing as much as the friendship that slipped away from us over the last couple of decades.

The first was the unexpected passing of a woman who was my friend a very very long time ago... back when both of us were married to different men... it was one of those friendships forged out of the fact that we had children the same age and our husbands were friends and the relationship we had was built around that. But she was an impressive woman. Strong, forthright, smart. And very kind. I found it easy and comforting to sit in her wide country kitchen, sipping strong coffee and listening to her talk; her southern accent discernible even after years of being removed from the south. She was creative and not afraid to try new things. Not afraid to do things that often were categorized as being in a man's domain. She was pretty and witty and when stirred up, a force to be reckoned with. I wished often for a small portion of her strength and strong will. Perhaps, I would think, if I could emulate her even a small bit, I could stand up against the injustice and cruelty that was being dished out at me each day in my marriage.

It is possible that maybe, a small piece of her was with me when I did finally escape the marriage.

The friendship disintegrated once I left my husband however. Because within less than a month from my decision to leave, she had moved lock stock and barrel in with him, leaving heads spinning, not the least of which was her own husband. It was an episode right out of "And the Stomach Turns"

My only knowledge of her where-abouts after that came through my children. She and my ex were married just days after our divorce became final but that marriage did not last. And once she was out of the lives of my kids, all contact was lost. So. for probably at least the last decade, I've had no idea of where she was and how she was. And truth be told, I didn't much care. I felt betrayed by her.

So this past week when I learned of her death, it was the first I had heard her name mentioned in years. And the circumstances of her death were tragic and suspect. She was living in Florida, having returned to her roots at some point, and while I have scoured the online newspapers daily, I find nothing about her... no obit, death notice, police report... it is as if the woman did not exist.

I find this as tragic as her death. Perhaps the family is still reeling in shock from her passing. Maybe she was estranged from her family. I don't know if she had a close relationship with her children or her siblings or parents. If there was anyone special in her life. And so, I find myself thinking about her a lot. Remembering her from those years we shared a friendship. I have long ago forgiven her for any betrayal I felt back then for her choices. I ache for her children, young adults now. I mourn for the woman who was my friend all those years ago. I imagine what she went through-- 2 divorces, separation from her children and family, and the sort of things that led her to the place she was at when she died.

"Rest in peace" sounds very cliche but I do hope in the end, she did have peace.

Please Re-leash me....

Does anyone remember this old old country song... "please release me, let me go.... I don't love you anymore..." wow, it was sad but what country song wasn't?

I have a feeling this is what Toddy would be singing if cat's could sing. Between the cast/splint on his little leg and being confined to the bedroom or a a leash, he is already giving me these looks that say "seriously? I can't just go free?"

Well, Toddy, you could. but it wouldn't be good for you. You need the structure and confines to help you heal.

As if he really understands me when I say this.

I watch him shake his leg thinking he will rid himself of the splint. When the bedroom door is closed he goes repeatedly up to it meowing and clawing at it thinking this time the door will open. When he is in the halter and on a leash-- allowing him to enjoy the fresh air on the back deck and yet still be limited in how far he can wander-- he pulls to the end of the leash, straining, then flops on his side disgusted... rests and tries again.

I watch him with a rueful smile and shake my head but truthfully I am no smarter than my cat when it comes to sin and trying to walk in the path of righteousness. I commit the same sin over and over again-- plus a lot of other ones!! I resolve that I am not going to do 'that' again and what happens? I walk the right path for a time.... and soon find myself right back in the ditch of my old ways.

God, you must get so weary of watching me struggle with this over and over again. Yet each time I come to you sorry and seeking your forgiveness what do you do but gather me in your arms and give me the mercy I so need but also do not deserve.

This morning I was reading 1 John 1. If we say we have fellowship with God but continue to dwell in darkness, we deceive ourselves. (paraphrase mine) And I think I also deceive myself every time I think I can get back on the right path and stay there.

I can't. Not in my own strength.

I think if I was really smart I would appreciate having a halter and a leash on me, to keep me from going too far in the wrong direction. Well, in some respects I do have a halter and a leash... I have God's Word to guide me and the Holy Spirit to convict and correct me.

Eventually Toddy will get the splint removed from his leg and my mom will get the cast removed from hers. They will be able to walk with little or no restrictions. I know they will both be pleased about that! Eventually I will live in a place where sin has no reign and I will never wander into darkness again. But until that day...

God, please re-leash me, don't let me go.

Dirty Mops & Tattered Towels

I've been cleaning my floor with a dirty mop. Perhaps I should say 'trying to clean' since a dirty mop won't really get my floor very clean. Oh, sure, I rinse the mop out and use clean wash water, but after so many uses, the mop just can't do the job anymore. It's time for replacement.

As I mopped the floor using my new mop head for the first time, I felt a surge of pleasure as I swished the sponge over the tiles. Now this was more like it! It spurred me on to more cleaning and by days end the house fairly gleamed from my endeavors.

Later that night, after I walked across my shiny clean floor in my bare feet, I was suddenly struck with a comparison that could only have been the Holy Spirit speaking; my prayer life was starting to resemble a dirty worn out mop.

How many times have I gone to the Lord in prayer only to feel like my words were hitting a ceiling? How many times had I found myself struggling to even offer up a prayer?
More times than I liked to admit.... And more importantly, WHY?

In Psalm 66 we read, "If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened."  In Isaiah 59.2 it says: "It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore."

Conviction grabbed my heart.

Graciously, the Holy Spirit then brought to my mind the beautiful promise of 1 John 1:9. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Now granted, when Christ died for us, the penalty for sin was paid once and for all. But like my mop, my life was picking up grime and filth and was taking on more than it was wringing out. There were some things that needed to be dealt with and confessing my wrong doing was the first step in being restored.

Why had I not noticed how ragged and dirty the old mop had gotten and replaced it before this? I can shake my head is puzzlement but I know this is often the case with many things. We stop really 'seeing' something when we are looking at it all the time. I hadn't noticed how tattered my dishtowels had gotten until my husband was helping me clean up after dinner one night and commented on their ratty condition. "Buy some new ones!" he insisted, "These belong in the rag pile."

Sometimes it takes another person to show us what is wrong with something. Sometimes that comes through a spouse or a friend; sometimes it happens as we read God's word or, as my mopping experience showed, a whisper in my heart from the Holy Spirit.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Well, okay, so it's actually Sunday afternoon by the time I finally sit down to write this. But it was beautiful up on the mountain this morning.

When I say 'up on the mountain' on a Sunday, I am actually referring to worship at the Kendall CTK campus. We love being there and love the people and the spirit of worship we can feel. Alive and free and full of energy and love and joy bubbling over! It is amazing to see, feel, experience!

We were doubly blessed this day because a dear friend went with us; his first visit to this church and I think he really enjoyed it. I meet a couple of new people today, who were visiting as well.

One of the fun things that has been occurring for me the last few weeks at this church is that I keep meeting people who are the same age as my son, who were friends with him when he was in his late teens. It gives me hope and joy when I see these 'kids' who have turned their lives over to Jesus. I pray that someone in Alabama will be Jesus to my son and be an encourager to him and as a result, he will be able to make peace and reconciliation with others. That would include me.

I don't talk about my relationship with my kids all that much, especially my son, because, one, it is painful to talk about, and two, I want to respect their lives by keeping things private. But, I would welcome prayers if you are so inclined. Prayers for healing and forgiveness and peace to come to my son. I hope that someday soon he and I would be able to meet face to face and celebrate together the life and family he has created.

My relationship with my parents was fraught with tension and hurts but I am so glad, so blessed for the healing God did in my heart before my father passed away. I am forever grateful for the fact that I was able to tell him I loved him and accept his "I love you" back. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing and I think sometimes we underestimate how freeing it is, how it plays such an integral part in healing and wholeness.

With Resurrection weekend approaching, I look at the Cross and the amazing sacrifice Jesus made for all of us so that we could experience forgiveness. It is too awesome, too wondrous for words. But each time I am able to offer forgiveness to someone who has wronged me, I get a very, very, very, small taste of what took place that day at Calvary. And as small as it is, it is still incredibly  powerful. Then I think: how much more is the gift that Jesus gave to each of us!

My prayer as we enter Holy Week, is for each one to know Jesus, the price that He paid for our sins, the forgiveness and wholeness He offers and the joy that new life in Him brings.

~ Peace and Blessings to all.

Reading Mark

I have been reading through the gospel of Mark for the last 8 weeks. And along with reading, soaping. (done in a journal, its :S.O.A.P.= scripture, observation, application, prayer)

The last few days readings have been tough. It's nearly the end of Mark and so I am reading the story of the crucifixion and resurrection this week. Each day this week I have read about betrayal, brutal attacks, shame, abandonment, and death.

I have observed what each person is doing in each passage I read. sometimes I have noticed things I may have glossed over before. Taking what I read and applying it to my life has been difficult at times. Asking myself before closing my journal; how will I be different  today because of what I just read? I think my biggest take away from this weeks reading has a common theme. When life gets tough, really tough, where will I stand? Will I stand firm in my faith? Press in closer? Or will I deny Him? Will I stay true to my identity in Christ Jesus or will I be pulled under by the lies of the enemy?

I am so much like Peter. Impulsive. Impetuous. Easily excited. Full of faith and ready to take the leap. And... just like Peter, putting my size 9's into my mouth on many occasions. I am walking on water one minute and sinking fast in the next. I make promises with heart felt good intentions and then break them before I have realized it.

I think about the women who came to the tomb that morning. When they see the stone rolled away and the tomb is empty, and they seek to find answers. To find Jesus. When Jesus seems far away from me, will I be tenacious in pressing in closer to find him?

A lot of good, hard questions this week.... I don't always walk away from my quiet time with a smile on my face, but rather a frown on my brow as I take contemplative steps into my day. But underneath even the most convicting thoughts, I have one constant. Jesus loves me. He really, really loves me. And just like He loved Peter and forgave Peter and welcomed him back into the fold with open arms, He loves me that way too.

Because of this, despite the heavy thoughts, there runs a current of joy.

Because I know how the story ends.  And a new one begins. One with Unlimited Possibilities.

Hardened Hearts

It is going to take some courage to write about this. But in my daily bible reading (and subsequent journaling about it) I was hit square between the eyes-- and heart-- about hardened hearts.

I have always wondered about those times in scripture where it says 'and the people's hearts were hardened" or more specifically when it talks about how God hardens their hearts. I have always been left scratching my head over that one. Why would God harden their hearts? It just didn't make any sense to me.

Today, however as I read from Mark 4, the familiar passage about the farmer who sows the seeds in different kinds of soil with different results, what rose up to grab me was not the seeds or the soil but what Jesus says later to his disciples about talking in parables so that the others would not understand. There it was again. Deliberately.

Mark 4: 11 (Jesus) replied 'you are permitted to understand the secret about the Kingdom of God. But I am using these stories to conceal everything about it from outsiders, so that the scripture might be fulfilled: (and here he quotes Isaiah 6.9-10) keep on listening but do not perceive, keep on looking but do not understand. render the hearts of the people insensitive....

I dug out my life application Bible and studied the foot notes. And from there I started to get it.
When we live in sin, and repeatedly sin, we become desensitized to it. the longer we allow the sin to control our lives, the harder we become. God's words no longer penetrate, they no longer cause us to be moved.  God was saying, the people will listen but not hear because their hearts had become insensitive (hardened) beyond repentance. God's patience was exhausted and His judgment was to abandon them to their rebellion and hardness of heart.

whoa.

Was I letting that happen in my life in anyway? When I read a passage and it no longer moves me, when I hear a sermon and it no longer convicts me, when i see things going on around me that are wrong but am no longer disturbed by it,  is it because I have become insensitive to a sin in my life and allowed my heart to become hard?

I have to honest. I have. There are areas in my life that are still under my control, which means they are not under the Spirit's control, which means they are really under the enemy's control. It has made me insensitive. Insensitive in the sense that my conscience was pretty quiet over things that SHOULD make me uncomfortable.

And then, I was also made aware that it was not too late. the wall around my heart wasn't so firmly in place that the spirit knocking could not be heard.  Jesus reminded me that my heart wasn't set ... yet... but left unchecked... it could be. 

I immediately pictured a bowl of jello in the fridge that is only half set... I, figuratively speaking, gave my heart of jello a shake to see how much wiggle was left. Relieved to see it wasn't set I turned in prayer and repented.

I like this jello metaphor because I am a Christian, not a non-believer. If I had never given my heart to Christ, I think I might have seen my heart as cement... hardening a little more each day. But because I do have the Holy Spirit living in me, my jello-y heart will always have some wiggle in it.

from Psalm 52: Create in me a clean heart O God and renew a right spirit with in me. Cast me not away from thy presence O Lord and take not thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me.

Being Thankful Day 20

fresh, clean, unmarked snow.. reminds me of the verse (Isaiah 1:18) that says, ..." though your sins be like scarlett they shall be washed  white as snow, though your sins be like crimson they shall be as wool."

If you have experienced the joy of knowing your sins have been forgiven, then you know thankful.
If you have experienced the joy of knowing you are now a member of the family of God, you know blessed.

Prayers for Healing

Last night we attended our Discipleship Class.  There are 12 of us in the group and each week one or two of us has shared a dream or desire we have that we want to see come true in the next 12 months. Last night, I was one of those who shared. I volunteered to do my turn because Pastor Steve asked Bruce if he was ready and he admitted he was not. I jumped in and said "I'll do mine, I'm ready!" and then as I looked at the paper folded in my hand with my dream written out I gulped. Lump in throat. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought to do this. I admitted. But with the encouraging looks from the group to spur me on I unfolded my paper and plunged in.

I said that in the next 12 months I would like to experience emotional healing for specific relationships. At first I thought I was asking for the relationships themselves to be healed-- which of course, i do want. but I feel that the Lord revealed to me over the course of the last couple of weeks, that the healing He wants to do, the place to start, is in my own heart, not theirs.

For a long time now I have held a belief that I did a lousy job in my role in this relationship. That I failed time and time again. That the choices I made were bad. That I could have, should have, done better. I have relived moments and wished for recalls. I have beat myself up repeatedly over things.  I have carried guilt and shame over these things.
And now, it seems the Lord is saying "Enough".

Curiously, we are at this point in time, at Dream School, also reading through Neil Anderson's book "Victory over the Darkness" and being challenged to work though issues that bog us down from finding our true identity in Christ Jesus. And as we drove home from DRS on Tuesday, i had asked the Lord to reveal to me the areas I need to work on. Funny, the answer was the same thing as the dream I had written down on the discipleship homework assignment.

What I am coming to realize is that I have had certain tapes playing in my head, over and over again for far too long. Many of the recordings are lies... lies that eat at me and cause the guilt and shame. I have convinced myself that my role in this particular relationship really sucks.

What I am seeking for now, is the wisdom and discernment to separate the lies from the truth. To discard the lies and ask forgiveness for the things I did do wrong. I sense the Lord is saying He wants me healed and strong in certain areas before I pursue reconciliation. Because reconciliation will involve a level of confrontation, going in with weak, injured areas will only result in more injuries. He wants me whole in this area so I can stand firm in HIS power and His grace.

Last night,  I was surrounded by the group and bolstered with prayers. As they prayed, it became clearer as the Holy Spirit impressed upon me, the need for me to experience emotional healing in my heart mind and soul before any healing could/should/would take place between me and those i long to be reconciled to.

It is important to take responsibility for my part in this and in some ways I have already done that. But I must not fully believe it because I seem so willing to take on more than my share of the problem.

I am a work in progress.

GETTING BACK ON TRACK

So yesterday I said, my pencil needed sharpening. Time spent away from The Word and in touch with God will dull my pencil lead faster than anything. I resolved that the next day would be different.

This morning, my spirit was still resistant however. not only that, my spirit was critical... and grumpy... and irritated. So I do what I do best when I am in those sorts of moods. I took it out on the one person who seems able to love me despite my critical, grumpy, irritated, rebellious self.  No, not the cat, though I wish that was true because the cat seems to revel in abuse. (JK)

No, I managed to open my mouth and say things.... that may have needed saying.... but could have been said differently... or timed better. Ugh. Now, for the rest of the day i live with that look on his face as he left the house. And he will have the picture of his shrewish wife in his mind all day as well. (when he comes home tonight and climbs on top of the roof, I will remember that verse in Proverbs about contentious wives and dwelling on the rooftop.... )

Thank God, literally, thank you Jesus, for your grace that extends and welcomes. Even as I 'stared' at your Word this morning, knowing I needed to dig in, but feeling so resistant, your Holy Spirit rose up off the page and calmed me. How is that possible? that just by picking up my bible and opening it, not even reading it yet, but just laying it open in my lap, has the power to woo me, that gravitational pull, that magnetic draw, reaches into my soul, stirring me, calming me, soothing me, speaking to me. I find the peace there and then i am able to take the next step, to let my eyes rest on a word, a sentence, a fragment of Holiness.... and from there be able to enter into conversation with you.... honest, brutally honest in my expression of how I feel and don't feel... what I am thinking and what struggles are taking place with in me. And I know, I feel it, that you are listening, without judgment, perhaps even a smile on your face as you listen to my rants.

Aah, you who designed me, understands me. I don't have to go very far to explain my self because you tell me that you totally get me. Whew, that's such a relief.

then, just as literally as a cloud that blocks the sun, moves over and the sunshine is free to shine, so my spirit shakes free of my contention and i am filled with joy. And I am back on track.

I still need to do something to fix the rift of this morning. Perhaps this sometimes contentious wife should have humble pie waiting... and ready to be served on the roof top.

Last Sunday and today, we were prayed for in church as a blessing and commissioning before we leave on our trip. Last Sunday Pastor Dean was there and he brought us up to the front and prayed over us. Today it was Pastor Steve, and he invited anyone who wanted to come forward and lay hands on us and pray. What a sweet privilege to be blessed in this way. What an honor we have to be called to serve Christ.

I felt especially blessed today because my dear friend Sandy was among the people who came forward.  Sandy is such an example to me of what a woman lost in God looks like. Her whole face shines with the peace of Christ. Her spirit is sweet and her heart is true. I can only hope and pray that I can reflect even a small portion of that to the people I come in contact with.

Today's message was about Christ healing the hurts in us. What a testimony i can give to how the Holy Spirit has brought about healing in me.  I wrote on my facebook wall about feeling blessed, thankful healed and whole and only my Jesus can do that.  18-20 years ago, I would have never been able to say that.  I was so broken and crushed in spirit, so beaten down and full of pain... the walls I had so carefully constructed to protect myself I thought were firmly in place yet, the facade was just that-- a facade--  fragile and it so easily could crumble. Yet, look! Look where the Lord has brought me!  He made some thing beautiful of my life.... you know there's a song there....

(the Gaithers:) Something beautiful, something good, all my confusion, He understood, All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life.

Even 8-9 years ago, when we went on our first out of country missions trip to Costa Rica, I was a fearful, reluctant participant. I went, excited, but really in bondage from the fear and insecurities I carried.  I am still a little fearful over this trip, but the fear comes from a completely different place. Maybe calling it fear is even the wrong word. I have questions, I have concerns, i have wonders, I have nervousness and actually the fear is the good kind; the kind that comes from AWE...  not from something bad or wrong or evil.

But this time I am excited and looking forward to the experience, the chance to connect with women who have their own baggage of hurts and oppressions. An opportunity to love on them and share with them from the heart, that as daughters of the King of Kings, we are royalty, we are princesses. that there is hope in Christ. that we can be made whole. Healed and Whole.

MIke, one of the team members also shared in church this morning about the healing the Lord has done in his life. Awesome!  This trip is going to be so cool and the people we are traveling with are a part of that.

That Bruce and I get to experience this together is the best! I look over at him during church and my heart swells with the thrill and knowledge that we are in this together. (and here I am referring to the trip and having CTK in Deming)  Wow, its been  just an awesome awesome time and it's only the beginning!!  :)