Smack Me With a 2 x 4

I have been following the blog time warp wife and occasionally participating in this month long marriage challenge. Today's challenge has done just that. Challenged me in an area that I guess God thinks I need to improve on. Sigh.

Today's Challenge:

I challenge you give your husband a break today. Choose to forgive, especially if there is something that’s been eating away at you. Let it go. Act as if it never happened and watch how God heals.




Here is my complaint against my husband. 
Last night we both had an event at church to attend. We ended up in separate cars because of timing.(he was L-A-T-E) , After the event, he got home before I did. (I was driving the carpool van) Not a lot ahead of me, but enough time had passed that he was already in bed and sound asleep. Dead to the world asleep. 


One of my biggest pet peeves is over good nights and good byes. I want to be said good night to. Don't just disappear from the room without telling me good night! 

HELLO!!!

He knows this. Because I have repeatedly commented, asked, nagged told him how I feel about this. I want to be kissed good night. I want to be kissed hello and good bye and just because. Touch happens to be my love language and second would be acknowledgement.(words of affirmation.) So the kiss and the words 'good night' both convey love to me.  You care enough to tell me these things.  It comes through loud and clear. And when you don't.... well, that speaks to me loudly just as well.


So, when I came home last night, tired, and after dark, I wanted to know that he cared enough to stay awake to welcome me home. I walked in to a quiet house. Well, quiet except for the log-sawing going on upstairs in the bedroom that alerted me to the fact he'd already gone to bed!! 


I could have cut him some slack. In fact,  I tried. I stood at the foot of the bed looking at his sleeping form and knew he had had a long, cold, wet, tiring day and he was exhausted. Still, the thoughts that ran through my mind were along the lines of "What if I had car trouble or an accident. What if I didn't make it home? How would he even know?" (when he is asleep he is dead to everything. he would not hear the phone ring) 

These kind of thoughts immediately fed my insecurities. He doesn't care about me. At least not enough to even stay awake for a little while longer to make sure I got home safely. 

Hmpfff. 


And I tacked this offense on to the list of previous offenses-- other times when he has forgotten about kissing me good night and speaking in my primary love language.


This morning breakfast was served with a heaping side of attitude. Take that, I thought as I slapped pancakes onto his plate. And that! As I slammed items into his lunch box. 


From a safe distance my husband observed " You are mad at me."


I wasted no time in assuring him this was so. And I gladly shared with him the reason WHY. He apologized and said he supposed he could have waited in the living room recliner --and fallen asleep there -- so that he'd have been more likely to awaken when I entered the room, but he was just so tired.... and I nodded. I understood but it didn't make the offense less hurtful. I want to feel cherished by my husband and these kinds of things make me feel ignored, not loved. 


For some time now I have tried to adopt an attitude of lowering my expectations. I figure if I can't change my love language to something he speaks fluently, (I tried and it didn't work very well. I am who I am) then the next best thing would be to expect less. I won't expect you to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand. I won't expect you to tell me I look pretty or that you enjoyed my company. I won't expect you to give me what I need. 


At first glance this sounds reasonable. But I realized this morning as I read the time warp wife challenge that by doing that I was really treating my husband with disrespect. I am still sorting through this concept and trying to figure out where to go from here but I have to start by forgiving my husband for his actions. And let go. I don't need to lower my expectations. I need to let it go. Accept whatever he is able to give me and leave the rest up to God. 


Yes, I still want to be kissed good night. Yes I still want and need to be affirmed by my spouse. But I am going to chose to love him --and ACT LOVING, whether he does those things or not. I will choose to not hold a lack of these things against him. 

and then watch how God heals.