Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

Not just the words to a Sunday School song, this phrase struck me in a brand new way this morning. The deeper meaning came about in a rather unusual way.

First you have to understand that morning is typically not my best time. I'm not a morning person, and today was unusual in that, it's my one day of the week to sleep in. Yet, when Bruce's alarm went off at 5am, (which typically I don't really hear) instead of snuggling deeper under the covers and snoozing, my mental alarm clicked in and BAM! I was awake, I was up and-- gasp-- I was THINKING.  I mean, my brain was actually forming complete thoughts and sentences and they were coherent and thought provoking! This was all BEFORE I'd even made the coffee!

Once the coffee was made, I proceeded to fix a cup for me and one for him. And since Bruce had hit his snooze button and obviously needed some extra motivation, I brought his to him. I watched him struggle to untangle the bed sheets, find his bathrobe and try to connect the coffee mug to his mouth. I took in his morning look-- his hair a twisted sheaf of golden wheat, his eyelids heavy with sleep and his general demeanor clearly stating what a discombobulated state he was in. Lest you think I am being unkind, please know that I fully understand what sort of state I am in, in the mornings. I give you exhibit A as proof:

my typical morning look

Because I know what I look like every morning, and since almost every morning, without fail, I'm still in my robe and slippers or at best, yoga pants and an oversized T, hair not combed, face unwashed, and feeling just as discombobulated, as I send Bruce out the door, it is a marvel to me that he tells me he loves me. That he calls me 'adorable' or 'cute' or, amazingly enough-- 'beautiful'. Really? I mean, REALLY??? 

But here's the thing... As I watched him this morning, this face that I have loved for over 20 years, I was moved beyond words. But I had to put it into words to really get it. 

He finds me beautiful even in my raw state. This 56 year old body, that has born two children, gone through the ups and downs of weight gain and weight loss, numerous injuries and surgeries; this body a road map of stretch marks and scars; this face devoid of make up,with its weathered lines and crows feet more prominent with each passing year... and more than that, this woman who has allowed her husband to see her in all kinds of vulnerable, he finds her beautiful? It must be love. 

And I, who look at him, his body weighed down by the passage of time. The once tight muscles of a younger man, coming up against gravity and slowly losing the battle. Hands that have worked hard to provide. Shoulders that carry the burden of providing for a family, a responsibility that weighs heavily at times. And I look with tenderness and still feel the stirrings of passion for this man, my life partner. This is definitely love. 

And then it hits me... how much more does our Heavenly Father love? God, who knows me so intimately, with all my faults and failures, yet declares me righteous, blameless, without sin, giving me full access to His Kingdom as a heir of Christ. It's hard to take in.

When I look into my husbands eyes and see the love and adoration shining back at me, I am able to catch a glimpse of how he really sees me. When he looks into my eyes he can begin to believe it when I tell him I find him attractive. And that helps me begin to understand the fullness of just how much more Jesus loves me. If Bruce can see past my wild and wooly morning hair, my sometimes cranky, sometimes confused attitude; if he can see me at my worst and still love me as if I'm the best, it gives me a small sample of the overwhelming love that Jesus has for me. 

As Max Lucado puts it, 

“If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning... Face it, friend. He is crazy about you! ”

Number 19

We just celebrated our 19th Wedding Anniversary. That's almost two decades folks. In this day and age, I think it's a wonderment to make it past 10 years let alone almost 20!

What is the secret ingredient that Bruce and I use to keep our marriage on course?
Short answer: God.

Our marriage has always been centered in Jesus Christ. We believe He brought us together, on purpose, for a purpose and each day we see glimpses of those purposes that spur us on to more.

But to break it down into applicable illustrations I give you 19 things, in no particular order, that we do that have helped keep our relationship solid.

1. Laughter
a sense of humor is important and laughing releases feel good endorphins! (by the way, laughing together is awesome...laughing at one another is a good way to stay humbled but tread lightly there.)
2. Prayer
praying together, praying  for one another. It makes a HUGE difference. (check out the Power of a Praying Wife/Husband by Stormie OMartia)Try it when you are in the midst of a disagreement and see if that doesn't have an impact!

3. Communication
open, honest, sometimes frank, but always laced with love and respect. And we keep working on making it better.
4. Romance
flowers and candy, that's dandy! But touch my heart and make it spark!
5. Playtime
whether its outdoor activities we both enjoy or just watching a fun movie together.
6. Joint Projects
from big projects like fixing up our vintage trailer to smaller ones like setting up camp, we each have a part to play and it enhances the experience when we each do our part and also when we help the other with theirs.
7. Date Night
So important!! We can get pretty caught up in giving our time to other needs and other people so its important that we stop and evaluate when was the last time we had some quality time alone together. And it doesn't have to be expensive-- coffee and a walk is just fine.
8. Listening
That moment at the end of the day when you sit down and face one another and ask how was your day, and listen to their answer with full attention.

9. R.E.S.E.P.C.T
Find our what it means to me. Now that you're singing it, discovering what your mate values and giving it the respect that deserves is crucial. Speaking to each other in respectful tones matters. Sarcasm cuts deep.
10. Space
giving one another space to breathe, space to rest, space to think, space to just be ourselves.
11. Encouragement
sometimes just hearing the words 'you can do this' can make all the difference in the world.
12. Freedom 
to be the me who God called me to be. and permission to pursue it without guilt. Freedom to make choices. Freedom to express opinions without fear of judgement.
13. Trust
regardless of knowing all the details, I can choose to trust --and be patient in getting all the answers.

14. Understanding
it's hard to know whats going on inside the other persons head but seeking to understand is the first step.
15. Grace
whoa. daily. big time. just extend grace in the moment even if forgiveness isn't possible quite yet... and speaking of....
16. Forgiveness,
always be quick to give it.
17. Words of Affirmation
words of life! express gratitude to your spouse, be thankful for big and small things.
18. Acts of Service
I pack his lunch, he makes the morning coffee. It's little things but it all says I love you.
19. Community
having family and friends who hold us accountable, pray for us and love us has had a major positive impact on our own relationship. We highly recommend every married couple be in some sort of small group for that intimate time of community.

So, there you have it.

 I don't claim to have the answers but this is something that is working for us. We are committed to the marriage and we are committed to Christ who directs it.

Happy Anniversary to Us!

Blessed Assurance

I discovered a hidden treasure the other day. While going through boxes of my parent's belongings, I came across a precious piece of paper. In my father's handwriting is a testimony worksheet he had filled out in which he shares how he received Christ and how his life was different because of this. Oh! What a find! And while I have made copies for my siblings, I'm claiming the original for myself. This is why:

Among the things my dad shares in this testimony are several scripture references to verses he was memorizing or found especially comforting to him because of the promises offered. As i jotted these down and began to look them up, something amazing came to light. With the exception of only a few, every single one was something already highlighted in my bible as special to me! With the first two discoveries I just smiled and thought how nice. But as more of them matched my own a little shiver ran up my spine.

 This was not a coincidence. Sure these verses are favorites of many. Verses like "He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities... and by his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53.5 KJV) or this one from Romans 8.1: "So now there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (KJV) But a few of them were less commonly quoted or familiar. Yet at one time or another, in my bible readings, these same verses my dad loved, were underlined or highlighted as special to me for one reason or another.

As to the verses that were not a match to my underlined ones this one in particular jumped out at me: "I assure you, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me, have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins but they already have passed from death into life." (John 5.24 NLT)

Why did this verse grab my attention?

Well, even though I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 9 years old, I have experienced many times in my life where my salvation felt troubled. Fear and doubt would creep in, making myself question my salvation. I remember as a young girl coming home to find an empty kitchen. A pot was simmering on the stove and while my mother's presence was palpable she was nowhere to be found. My mother was always there when we came home from school. Always. But not this day. Fear struck my heart and I gulped. Terror gripped me as I searched the house calling out her name. I was sure the Rapture had occurred and I'd been left behind! You can imagine my immense comfort when my mother wandered in, fresh from a visit to the neighbors for an impromptu tea visit. And while I nearly collapsed in relief, I was unable to share with her the anxiety and fear I'd just experienced. How could I explain it when I was "supposed to be" a Christian?

I am a little embarrassed to admit that this doubt would continue to haunt me on more than a few occasions. A quiet room when someone had been in it just moments before. A sick feeling coming over me when hearing of terrible things going on in our nation (9-11) and thinking "this is it, the end is near" and being afraid that no matter how many times I'd prayed again to be saved, because I wanted to make sure, I'd still somehow fallen short of being one of those counted righteous in His Sight.

It wasn't a pretty feeling.

Thankfully, in part because of a praying husband, I was able to work through this over time and reach a point where I could say I was sure that I was not going to be left behind. I could rest in God's promise when He said he's adopted me into His family and I will spend eternity in Heaven with Him.

Why I experienced such doubt over my salvation, I can't explain. Perhaps my childhood traumas and later the betrayals by one who professed to love me, played into my psyche and fed that vein of low self esteem: I'm not worthy, I don't deserve salvation. I'm still not good enough for God. Well, here's the deal-- all of that is true! I'm NOT worthy. But because of God's amazing grace and endless love, He accepts me anyway. Funny how I seem to always need reminders of this... but then, we all have an Achilles heel that the enemy loves to poke at. We all have a propensity to something and apparently this was mine. How thankful I was when I realized that particular monkey was off my back.

So, then, coming across this verse the other day was a strong but gentle reminder that I can continue to rest in the promise Jesus gave. The fact that this reminder from my Heavenly Father, came via my other father is a significant factor for me. No matter how many times I struggle in my daily walk with the Lord, no matter the desert-dry days in my spiritual walk, I am still a Child of God. No matter how long I sit in front of a blank page cursing the blinking curser of my computer screen because of writer's block, no matter how apathetic I feel, no matter the brain fog or feelings of lethargy, it does not change Who I Am in Christ.

I am God's girl.
I am forgiven.
I am saved.
I will inherit His riches.
I will be in His Kingdom.
Indeed I already am.

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine
O what a foretaste of glory divine
Heir of Salvation, Purchase of God
Born of His Spirit, washed in His Blood.

This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song, 
praising my Savior all the day long *

*Fanny Crosby

Practicing the Art of Abundance

At a recent meeting for my women's writing group, the subject of abundance came up. One of the members had brought a book full of poetic phrases designed to capture the essence of abundance. I left that day challenged to seek out and appreciate more fully that which is abundant in my little world. 

I've been giving it some thought and on the day that I locked my keys inside my car and had to wait two hours for my rescuer to come and unlock the car, I thought about how nice an extra set of car keys would have been right about then! I suppose I thought having one set more than I needed was an abundance I didn't need but I'm thinking differently now.  (I USED to have a hide-a-key under my car bumper but it is likely to be rusting away on the bottom of some pot hole ridden back road. And there is SUPPOSED to be an extra key tucked into a drawer at home but it has gone AWOL) 

Later that day, home and feathers slowly un-ruffling, as I put away my groceries I thought about abundance some more. 

A fruit bowl piled high with shiny apples
 and plump juicy oranges
A fresh vibrant colored array of vegetables
 piled high in the produce drawer of the fridge
A freezer stocked piled with food 
and a pantry lined with an assortment 
of bright colored packages and cans
A kitchen full of healthy yummy food products
            This is abundance.

When I take my cup of fresh brewed coffee, 
mixed with sweet heavenly cream 
and I tiptoe out onto the front porch, 
barefoot and still in my jammies,
when I park myself on my 
kaleidoscope colored patio chair 
and breath in the still cool freshness of a new day, 
when I turn my face to the sun and let it kiss my face 
and let the breeze tousle my hair
               This is abundance.

On laundry day when the piles of clothes seem endless
and there is no more room on the clothes line 
When the sheets need changing on the bed 
and I must decide between flannel or cotton
or whether or not to add  the extra blanket
When it's time to get the fans back out of storage 
and I have one for upstairs and one for down
              This is abundance.

Abundance is noticing just how many Bibles we have, 
when I know there are others who are rejoicing over having 
just one page of a Bible.
Abundance is not complaining about 
having to dust the library shelves
where rows of books are assembled.  
Abundance is having gas in my tank, 
enough to get me to places I want to be, 
not just the places I need to be.
Abundance is staring at the shoes in my closet 
trying to decide which ones to wear today,
knowing others go barefoot.

Abundance is...
    fresh drinking water
       a lawn to mow
          a house to clean
             a meal to cook
               a garden to grow
A family to love.


All the things I might take for granted...
               come from living a life of.....
                                                        Abundance. 

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14.1

All You Need is Love

happy valentine's day!

spread some love around!

Shaking Like A Leaf

I've been struggling.  I've never claimed to have it all together but it's often disappointing to be in this place again.

Depression has been sucking everything out of me. I'm sure it's partly related to the stress of our financial situation, with some physical issues added. The time change that brings darkness sooner isn't helping any. Then to top it off, when I try to pray, I've got nothing. No words. It's babble or it's stuttering but its mostly just dead space where words should be. All this combined has resulted in a great big dish of frustration, sadness, pain, anxiety,and desperation. I have felt crippled and blinded.

I have felt like a little leaf trembling in the wind.

Like a little leaf balanced precariously on a tight rope.


Then, this morning I read Lori Roeleveld's blog post and it was as if it was written just for me. She talks about the emptiness she was experiencing. How her prayers sounded like "blah, blah, blah." She said it was because while her mouth was uttering words her heart was empty. As she struggled with this realization she heard Jesus say "Bring that to me. Bring me your emptiness"

Wait. What? God told her to bring Him the emptiness? Aren't we suppose to bring Him an offering of praise? Yet.... He said bring it and then He would fill it.

Her post resonated with me. I'm learning that whatever we bring, be it praise, adoration, requests, anger, pain, sorrow... or a great big pile of nothingness, He welcomes it.

Hebrews 4.16 says: Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. 

Wow.

He welcomes it... and then, transforms it. By His Grace, His Love, His Mercy He takes what ever we have, even the nothing to offer, and turns it into something of wonder.

It might not change the condition of my checking account or lessen the physical pain. It doesn't' always remove the depression and sometimes it doesn't even improve my prayers of dry empty phrases. But it comforts me to know that even in the darkest of times, God is with me. He never abandons me. I may never fully know or understand why He can't just rescue me out of my worst times. Sometimes He does, but often He doesn't. However...He does sit with me in my darkness. He does walk with me through the fire. He swims beside me in the deep waters.

Knowing that gives me the courage and strength to hang on for one more day. Knowing this allows me to rest in His presence.

Seeing that little leaf perched there on that wire the other day made me think of the song Hold Me Jesus by the late Rich Mullins. One line in particular jumped out at me so I had to revisit the lyrics. It seems to capture where my parched and weary soul is these days. It goes:  "So hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace?" 

I may be perched precariously and trembling but I know, and I trust, God's got me.

Love Without... Boundaries?

There's a lot of talk about having personal boundaries and not letting people infringe on them. We learn it is not healthy to let people take advantage of or step over those lines. When I wrote my post the other day with the quote by Oswald Chambers, it stirred up a lot of conflict for me.

Oswald challenges us to be doormats. That raised my hackles right away. I mean, come on! I was someone's doormat for 15+ years and I ain't never going back to that! I don't believe Christ calls me to live a life without safeguards in place. Does He? I'm struggling with this.

I understand that people who go into the mission field full-time make huge sacrifices. They give up financial security as they live day to day on the generosity of others. They sacrifice personal safety as they go into places deemed dangerous. They risk being persecuted for being a Christian. They face criticism from others who might not understand this crazy call on their lives, especially calls that might involve bringing your young children into the mission field with you.

But all I'm talking about in my own life, my own personal conviction, is loving those God places in my path, without reservation, without conditions, without fearing the risk of being hurt.

Let me tell you a true story. Strange, but true.

The other night as we were hosting guests and getting ready to sit down for dinner we had a knock at the door. Bruce went to answer it, me at his heels. There on our front stoop stood a young girl, maybe 18-20. Dark skin, tiny, pretty but dressed--and there is just no other way to say this-- like a hooker. We're talking cut down to there and up to here, short and revealing. And tight.  And her shoes? Bootie-type shoes. Definitely hooker shoes. She looked a little disorientated and her approach was shy yet her request was as bold as you please.  She wanted to know if she could borrow our lawn mower to mow the neighbors yard because she and her boyfriend were desperate for some cash.

Okay. Wait a minute. We've had people from time to time find their way to our door to ask for gas money or food and even once, a place to stay. I don't know how they pick our house out of any other house on the street but perhaps it has something to do with a flashing neon sign above our home with an arrow pointing down. ( I kid!) Somehow people seem to know that this house might grant them favor. (and for that I am grateful, in a mixed up sort of way, and we'll save that discussion for another post) Anyway, we've never had this strange of a request. Ask for money for gas, sure. But you want to borrow my lawn mower to mow someone else's yard? How did you know we had a lawn mower to borrow? What made you think we might say yes? How do we know you won't take off with it and try and sell it (crappy piece of machinery that it is, but still!)

My immediate reaction was NO WAY and I did my best to convey that thought through facial expressions that only my husband could see. But Bruce operates under slightly different principles than me. Walking with her down the driveway a bit so she could point out which neighbor needed a lawn mowed, he asked her why she chose our house. She told him Jesus said to ask us. (it's the neon sign and arrow!)

Short story is Bruce got the lawn mower out of the shed and with some instructions for operating our tricky machine, sent her down the road with it. I wasn't happy but I also know better than to argue with my sweetie when I can tell he has good reason for deciding this is the right thing to do.

Later in private Bruce and I discussed the randomness of this girl coming to our house for help. Bruce allowed that it was strange indeed, and certainly a little sketchy. But a lawn mower is just a lawn mower and he believes in holding on to material things lightly. He is always more interested in what is going on in a persons heart and head and if lending out a lawn mower will allow him a closer peek into their life in order that he might speak God's Truth, than so be it.

This is a prime example of love without borders to me. Where I would have said no way and closed the door and shook my head, Bruce stepped out of the house to learn more. In the process he heard her mention Jesus and a little more conversation took place because of that. She left to get better shoes on before she took the mower down the street and when she returned she was also wearing a t- shirt over her dress. The T-shirt was from a Mercy Me concert ( Christian rock band) Bruce made comment on the shirt and more conversation ensued. She allowed that she wasn't exactly living a life she should be and seemed to be kind of mixed up with some one not the safest and was trying to get her life straightened out. I am sure there is much more to her story and we can debate to the authenticity of her words but the bottom line for my husband was/is: love her. Love the lost. Love our neighbors. Love. Just love. And yep, you might get hurt in the process. You might be taken advantage of. You might get stepped on. But still, love.

Now I suppose if she took off with the mower and never brought it back and then showed up one day to ask if she could borrow our rototiller, Bruce would say no. Because why should we enable bad behavior? But in the beginning go ahead and take the risk sometimes.

I know my own conviction about loving fully comes from the relationships closest to me. As I said in yesterdays' post, I struggle in the relationship with my mom. As a child, I experienced more than one occasion of what borders on physical abuse from her hands. Emotional abuse was also part of the experience. But as a young mother I developed a better relationship with her. For some time we had a pretty good, fairly close relationship. As she has aged and certain things in her brain have changed, the communication process has gotten more difficult. The memories of those negative experiences of the past have a way of rising up and taunting me when she acts cranky. So I put up my guard to protect myself but as I do, I put a restriction of just how much love I feel for her will be let out.

This is the conundrum. I want to love. Fully. Completely. Without holding back. How do I do that while still maintaining some control over my life and keeping personal boundaries in place?

There are many people who come in and out of my life that we refer to as EGR's. (Extra Grace Required) How do I show love to them without getting sucked into their vortex of crazy? We say things like  "not my circus, not my monkeys" and laugh but does that mean I close the door in their face and miss the opportunity to share Jesus with them?

I don't have the answers to these questions plaguing me right now and I'm not writing this to try and convince anyone else that Oswald really does mean be a doormat. What if loving fully means becoming a doormat under other peoples feet? What if being poured out as a living sacrifice is the only way to truly experience a full life in Christ? Am I willing? Will I go there?

As I said yesterday, I want to say yes.I want to live a full life. I don't want to miss out on what God really has in store for me. Exploring this will be by the grace of God. I invite you to ride along with me and help hold me accountable. There will be more to come...

Half Full.... But Of What?

I've always thought of myself as a glass half full kind of gal, and sometimes even full to overflowing. I think it is significant to point out that even in my deepest darkest days of depression I've still felt my cup was half full.

This morning though, I was struck with the thought, half full of WHAT?

I guess it hit me as I was kicking a pair of shoes back into the closet, trying to take a short cut to putting something away, a short cut that ended up taking longer than just doing it the right way in the first place, because as I kicked, my little toe, which has been outfitted with a GPS specially designed for finding sharp corners, connected with the said sharp corner and the words that flew out of my mouth as I hopped on one foot, were nothing to be proud of.

This follows a day last week when I found myself screaming obscenities into the tub of my washing machine as I worked to untangle a pair of panties that had twisted itself around the agitator, sucking everything else in the wash into its vortex. The only thing that kept me from popping a blood vessel was to finally walk away knowing there was a chocolate bar in the freezer, and really, is twisted knickers worth having a hemorrhage over?

I've always known there were things to be thankful for, things to believe in, things to hope for. That's what makes me the glass half full person that I am. But when I find myself irritated by little things, when someone says something that sounds remotely critical and my first reaction is one of defensiveness, when I find myself erecting the old wall around my tender spots... well, that makes me wonder just where my attitude really falls in the glass empty/glass full category. 

What struck me this morning is that sometimes there's vinegar in my cup. 

So I ruminated on this, while rubbing my toe and then getting dressed (and why are these panties all stretched to hell? .........OH. Yah.) I knew there was some life lesson tied in with this and so I wouldn't forget this moment I posted something to that effect on my Facebook status. Then I went to my women's writers group and in the meeting room of the coffee house we meet at, I saw a poster on the wall of a mug spilling over with coffee beans that said "Half Full or Half Empty; it really doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, it's what's in the cup that matters." 

Huh. 

Ooookay. Obviously this is a thought I DO need to spend some time on. Maybe I am an optimist, and filled with hope but there's a sour side to me that comes to the surface every now and again. I find it rises most often when surrounded by people I don't trust. I'm not talking about being discerning here. I'm talking about people whom I know have the capability of hurting me. People who I've let get close only to be stomped on. People I trusted only to be let down. People who've proved to be less than I believed they would be. 

Well, shoot, that's just about everybody in the world. We all fall down in our relationships. No matter how well meaning we are, we just fail from time to time. I fall often. I fail often. I've experienced it with family and friends and I know they've been on the receiving end of my foibles. 

What happens is that because I've been let down, I start coming to expect it. Take for example my mother. (Please, take my mother.) I love my mom. Of course I do. But she is, God bless her, NOT the happiest camper in the campground. I think it's safe to say my mother is a glass half empty individual. She can be cranky, difficult, sulky, cranky, obstinate, hard to please, did I say cranky? So, when ever I go to visit her, I go wearing my armor. I have come to expect that she will say something that will push a button. I expect she will be argumentative, she will whine, she will berate me and be ungrateful. I know for sure she's going to be cranky. And you know what? I'm usually right. She dishes out exactly what I was expecting. I was right to put up my guard. But in doing so, I find I hold back some of my love. My cup has vinegar in it.

I think about how Christ loves. Fully. Completely. Unconditionally. There's no vinegar in His Cup. And don't I, as a Christ follower, want to be more like Christ? Live like Christ? Love like Christ? Oh, that my cup would overflow, overflow with the sweetest honey. 

What will it take to ensure my cup is sweet? 

The fruits of the Spirit include love. I think that's where I begin. I state right here on my blog that I am loving fully but I am being convicted as I write this. I've placed conditions and restrictions on my heart. I like the idea of loving fully but if I am really honest with myself, I've been holding back. Sure, I can make a case for protecting myself but it comes right back again to living my life as a Christ follower. Ephesians 5.2 says "Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God." 

In "My Utmost for His Highest" Oswald Chambers says "Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer—to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Or do you say, “I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don’t want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my own sacrifice."

In Philippians 2.17 Paul wrote: But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy.

Oswald goes on to say: It is one thing to follow God’s way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a “doormat” under other people’s feet. ...  Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket—to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted—not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister? 

Ouch. 

Yet I know, if I walk away from this conviction, if I shelve it until I feel stronger, or more ready to commit, I will effectively be denying Jesus. I already feel twisted up inside, much like those poor little panties were, and I know that God is calling me to go deeper with Him. If I want my cup to be full and sweet, I must respond. I must say "Yes." 

He Said "Yes"

I love it when things come together. When a plan I hatch, crazy as it may seem, doesn't scramble like eggs but rather sets up nicely, like pudding. And I do love to plan things. Much as I am a 'fly by the seat of my pants' girl, I also pay attention to details and plot out the arrangements for weeks in advance. But those impulsive last minute decisions are just plain fun. Dangerous perhaps, but FUN!

I think I've shared a bit about how the Love-Burkes came to be, but you know it's almost spring time when the memories and pictures start making their annual appearance! Our first date was on March 20, 1994-- 20 years ago this year!!- which is also the first day of Spring! I love that our love story coincides with the arrival of a new season... as the buds are busting out on the trees and blooms appear, so it was with the friendship between us that quickly progressed to love.

What you may not know is that I'm the one who asked him out. I'd been so stand-offish in the past several encounters we'd had, kind of leaving him with Freezer Burn, so when I suddenly began to thaw-- even melt, he was, not surprisingly, a wee bit suspicious and perhaps gun shy of thinking we might possible move into a relationship. I dropped some subtle hints that might prod him into asking me out but when that didn't seem to be yielding the results I wanted, I finally had to just get bold and do the asking.

You will laugh at this, but I actually scripted out what I was going to say once I got him on the phone. I wanted the conversation to be causal and non-threatening, just a "hey I was thinking of going to the movies this weekend, you wanna tag along" sort of invite. So, I wrote it out, a couple of different ways, then pacing the hallway of my home, I practiced. When I thought I finally had it down I dialed his number quickly before I lost my nerve. I pitched my invitation in an airy, off handed way... "So... after that discussion we had about the movie Schindler's List, I decided I'm going to go see it on Sunday. I wondered if maybe you'd like to go along?"

April 1994, after we'd been dating for about a month

There was a silence on his end, for probably a second or two, but from my perspective it was a LONG silence. I have since learned so much about my man, that I can now picture exactly the look on his face and hear the wheels turning in his head as he processed this seemingly out of the blue request.

Then, mercifully, he said yes.

And, the rest, as they say,  is history.

No Girls Allowed

Remember tree houses with rope ladders where little boys played serious games and absolutely did not allow girls to enter under any circumstances?

My husband attends a men's breakfast almost every Saturday. It's for men only; no girls allowed. The guys do all the shopping, prepping and cooking. They even clean up.  They call it a "Get fed twice" gathering because after their hearty breakfast, they open up God's Word and chew on that.

I love that my husband is studying the bible. I love that he is spending time in the company of other godly men. I love that he is growing in his relationship with God and his brothers. I love that I get to sleep in on Saturdays and not have to cook!

Awhile back someone in the group suggested they host a special breakfast for the ladies, as a way to serve them, but also to give them an opportunity to see what goes on in those sacred halls on a Saturday morning. This morning was the day. The day they let the ladies in.

I was greeted at the door by one of the men and then joined by my husband as soon  as he spotted me. He greeted me with a beautiful lush single red rose and a special valentines card.

He ushered me to my table and presented me with a lovely menu. I was told to chose whatever I wanted and he would get it for me.

It was beautifully orchestrated-- these guys went above and beyond to make us all feel special and welcome. They served us with gentle spirits and loving hearts.

After breakfast the men shared with us why they come to the men's breakfast; why learning about God and his word is so important to them and what a difference it has made in their lives. A couple of the women volunteered that they appreciate the changes they have seen take place in their husbands because of their involvement with this mens group. Awesome!

my yummy made to order plate of food, and in the corner there you can see my special valentines card. very ducky!!

I have to admit that I sometimes have some control issues...trying to micro-managing my husband seems to be a bad habit of mine. It was a little challenging for me to just sit and let him serve me -- and not tell him how to do it!

I am a blessed woman. I cannot adequately express how much I love this man!!

It was a lovely morning, a lovely breakfast and a sweet and much appreciated gesture. One of the guys said they thought they should do this for us again to which I quipped, "Mother's Day is coming!"

my heart is full

"My soul glorifies the Lord 

and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior..." 

Luke 1. 46

Birthdays. Christmas. Family reunions. Relationships. Celebrations. Laughter. Tears. Hello's and good byes. 

I said before, December is a full month but what I really mean is that my heart is full. Full to overflowing. The outpouring of love and affirmations that came with my birthday party-- being surrounded by some of the best people in the world...  Celebrations that shine bright in my memory hall of fame... being together with family, investing in those relationships... these are the moments I treasure. 

I was excited for my family reunion this weekend but I underestimated the measure of joy and fullness it would bring. There was a time in my life where the thought of spending the day with family depressed me. (I was a surly teen of course) Even in my adulthood there were occasions for us to gather and I sighed with resignation because our relationships were fractured, or tenuous. But, O thank the Lord, thank the Lord, for the healing He brings. Not because my family is a new and improved version. No it's the healing in my own heart and mind to see and appreciate the wonder of my brothers and sisters, to delight in their uniqueness, to enjoy their antics, to gain a better understanding of each of them and their special contributions to the world and to our family. 

My oldest brother is 11 years my senior. He is severely mentally handicapped. He lived at home until in his 20's and since then has been living in supervised residences. His communication skills are limited and his behavior is... well, odd. We have no idea what is going on in his mind and how much he really understands when we talk to him. But he is a child of God and a delight unto the Lord. One of God's masterpieces. 

My second brother is 10 years older than me. It felt like I really didn't know him until recent years. He and his wife, my sister-in-love, played a significant role in my life during and after my divorce and became very close friends of mine and Bruce's in the years prior to their move to Montana. I miss them so much and so the visit with them over the past 2 days was so dear to me. Saying goodbye was hard. 

Then comes my sister. Oh, my dear readers, you know how I feel about my sister. She has my heart without a doubt. My other half in some ways. I wonder sometimes if we aren't really twins, born 5 years apart. And to think, now that she lives here, goodbye's are really just see you later!

In our family line up, I am next and I was the baby of the family for 9 years. Then.... a surprise. Baby brother was born. We didn't really get along until long after I was out of the house. He makes me laugh, sometimes even on purpose! He was a great host, along with his sweet wife, for our family hoedown. 

With a large house and a brand new smoker/bbq, they kept us well fed and comfortably ensconced for a full day of sitting and gabbin'. 

everybody and their dog. One brother has 2, another brother has 3. Not seen are 3 more belonging to various other family members. 

As Bruce and I drove home last night we talked about the meaning of holidays, the meaning of Christmas. To remember that Christmas is all about Jesus-- God sending his son into the world to save us, to have relationship with us. That's what it's all about. And building relationship with those around us, investing in those relationships, that is our purpose here on earth, regardless of what career you were designed for, regardless of the talents and gifts you have, it all comes down to relationships. 

birthday lunch for Bruce.

Our last event of the weekend was a farewell party for our senior pastor and his wife who have retired from our church to enter full time into overseas missions. They have poured themselves into the lives of their congregations, holding nothing back. I have never been so impacted by a pastor, never been so challenged. It was with much laughter and tears that we celebrated the years they have given and sent them off proper to go on to the next chapter of their lives. The place was packed with people who feel similar to how I feel about the impact he has made in their lives. And again it was all about investing in relationships. 

it's all about relationships

2013 is coming to a close and with a new year before us it's time to re-evaluate and look ahead. I already know what my word for the new year will be. Yes, that's right. RELATIONSHIPS. I look forward to a heart that is filled to overflowing. 

Birthdays and Parties and Family, Oh My!

December is a busy month, no doubt about it. While Bruce and I have really cut back over the years in the amount of craziness that( a commercialized) Christmas can bring, we have not forsaken the idea of spending time together with those we love. In fact, that is the main focus! And let's not forget that both Bruce and I are December babies so between my birthday and New Years Eve, we can count on lots of celebrating!

grandson Bennett helping me bring birthday cake to Grandpa

Bruce's birthday is tomorrow (Sunday) but we had a little celebration last night with our son and daughter- in- love and our grandson. Today Bruce has gone snowshoeing with his son and a friend and tomorrow will be filled with church, family and friends. He's a lot more low-key about his birthday than I am about mine. He said he spent this whole year thinking he was already 58, not 57 and that realizing this was a gift in itself.

happy birthday!

playing with Grandpa

I am super excited this year. My big brother and my sister-in-love are here this week visiting from Montana. It's been a couple of years at least since our last visit. But what makes this visit extra special is the fact that today when we gather at my little brothers, it will be the first time in 7 years that all of us siblings will be under one roof at the same time. (The last time we all gathered was for my dad's memorial service in Jan. 2007.)  I have 3 brothers and one sister and today we will be together, with our spouses, kids, and our mom. (Pretty sure she'll be over the moon when she gets there and sees ALL of us together-- get your hankies)

Now, here's the crazy thing about our family... we all like to talk. No, I mean, TALK.  Um, as in.... TALK!! Aaaaaand.... some of us are not real good at the Listening part. My little brother said it best when he issued the invitation to come to his house today for what he is calling The Honcoop Hoe Down. He said "Bring your sitting pants and your gabbin' gear... no listening devices allowed. Dis is Da Honcoops!" 

To give you an idea about what I mean when I say listening isn't a strong point,  I give you this memory. My dad and 2 of his brothers were sitting in the living room in the house I grew up in. All three brothers were engaged in intense, enthusiastic conversation as they discussed baseball. All talking AT ONCE. No one listening. Just talking. At. Once. They just got louder. And louder. AND LOUDER. At one point one of the brothers was pounding on another brother's leg to try and be heard!! It was hilarious....

 (granted, we all know that all talk and no listening has its serious downsides)

I don't think we'll be that rude when we meet today. I think some of us have mellowed and learned to appreciate what our siblings have to say. But I don't doubt that this will be a loud, crazy, fun day. With lots of picture taking!!

Since my lil brother said this was a Honcoop Hoe-Down, I thought I'd found the perfect outfit to wear...

seriously, I already had the shirt before the Hoedown was announced.

A Little P.P.D.

(post party details)

Turning 55 is hard work! Who knew??

Seriously, I had an amazing fun weekend celebrating with some of the best people ever put on this earth and I lived up to my name, Rockin' Robyn, but this morning, I am dragging!! Blame it on too many nights of insomnia, too much sugar and embracing life at warp speed, but my gosh, rolling out of bed this morning just wasn't happening! I got hubby off to work and tumbled back into my bed! ( disclosure: it's after lunch, I have not walked today and I am still in my jammies!) It's all good though. I am just leaning back and reliving the moments of fun.

To begin, this is the invitation we came up with for my party... 

(identifying info has been removed for protection)

Keeping with the 1950's theme...

 my friend and her hubby who were hosting had Bruce and I and my sister and her husband 

join them for dinner before the party...

I would have LOVED to have found a "June Cleaver" style dress or something else that was 50's but the closest I came was this awesome leopard print jacket!!

My friend Wendy took special care for decorations 

and my sister was a big help in the kitchen the night of the party.

When the guests arrived we played a couple of fun games... the first was actually almost a little stressful!! My sister had everyone tell how they knew me and what their first impression was when they met me!! 

Oh. My. 

The the tables were turned and I had to tell all my beloved friends what my first impression was of all of them! It was really very fun and very affirming but it was a lot of brain work trying to remember some stuff!!

In between snacking and yakking, we also passed around a jar with questions in them, taken from the Ungame. These are leading questions designed to inspire good conversation as well as help you learn more about your circle of friends! I love this game! We also tried to hula hoop... but we decided the hula hoops were defective, because none of us could get them to stay up around our hips!!

Then, I opened my gifts--- which I have to say, I am like a kid in a candy store about presents!! 

Maybe gifts is one of my love languages. 

Saturday's party was, to me, a huge success and I loved every minute of it and came away feeling very loved, very cherished, very affirmed. At one point I looked around the room at all these loving faces and said "I am rich. I am blessed. And every single one of you in this room is going to be in Heaven with me some day! That is totally awesome!!" 

What more could a birthday girl ask for? 

Sunday, the ACTUAL day of my birth, we attended church, came home for a quick lunch, headed to my mom's and then with her along, went to our son and daughter-in-law's annual Christmas open house,  what they call their "Jingle Mingle". 

Our very creative daughter in law, set up a little photo station where we could play with an assortment of props for picture taking. Oh, we had a lot of fun with that!

After the Jingle Mingle (don't you just love the name?) We took my mom back to her place and she gave us a little tour of all the Christmas decorations on display there. Pretty! 

Intermixed with all this fal~de~ral was several phone calls from friends and family (including my grandkids) and the lovely facebook birthday greetings and wishes. Love it!

Then... finally... it was Date Night for the Love-Burkes!  Bruce took me to dinner at a fairly new eatery in town. Its in a location of a former restaurant that was one of my favorite places to go and I was sad when it closed. Having a new restaurant there meant, we had to go check it out! It is right on the waterfront and in the summer this is a delightful place to visit. We warmed up with some delicious hot buttered rum while waiting for our dinner. Good food and I saved room for dessert...   salted caramel topping on a butterscotch flavored creme brulee. I DIE!!!

Yes, between the cupcakes and cocoa puffs and all the other delectables on Saturday, a good score of chocolate in the middle of Sunday followed by a decadent dinner and dessert, I really shouldn't be SKIPPING MY WALK TODAY!!! But, I guess a recovery day is needed, so I'm taking it. 

Thank you THANK YOU to all my family and friends who made my birthday week such a memorable one.  God is good.