When Introverts Have Meetings

It should be no secret by now that I'm an introvert.

And... just in case you are confused, let me assure you --for the record-- that I am not shy, reserved, or anxious. I'm actually quite the opposite; gregarious, outgoing, fun and adventurous.

In it's simplest terms think of a battery discharging energy. An introvert is one whose battery is drained by being around people and stimulation, while an extrovert's battery draws energy from those things.

My sister and I (both introverts) often chuckle over things that are suggested in our culture that have to have come from an extrovert. At church for example. When the pastor says turn and greet 3 people you've never met before, or, let's all join hands to pray. Those are exciting fun ways to connect... for the extrovert. For an innie like me, not so much.

At social functions where I don't know very many people, I tend to navigate to a quiet corner and seek out one person (that I already know) to converse with. Having to make small talk with strangers can choke me into paralysis if I'm already tired. Add loud noises and several things going on at once, and you might see that 'deer in the headlights' look on my face. That is if I haven't already snuck out the back door.

Let me clarify, that this is NOT a social dysfunction -it's not an anxiety attack or shyness or fear. It's that my brain has to process things, analyze things and if there's a lot of stuff going on around me it takes energy to filter it. It takes energy to mix and mingle. It takes a lot of energy to engage with others, especially if we don't already have a relationship established. And as the event goes on, more energy goes out and with no time to re-charge, eventually the battery goes dead.

Over the Christmas holidays we ended up having back to back parties to attend. Both were being held in the homes of people we know and love. However, at both houses, the rooms were filled with LOTS of people who also know and love them. But to me, those other guests were all virtually strangers. My husband was excited to meet and greet, mingle and laugh. His battery was getting charged up by all this interaction.

For me... well, it was a completely different story...

There was a lot of noise, it felt crowded and chaotic. I looked around for that quiet corner to hole up in, hoping I could sip a glass of wine and observe. As the evening went on, I could feel my battery draining fast and soon I was operating on reserve and that was dissipating as well. The thought of sitting down next to someone I didn't know was so overwhelmingly beyond me the very thought of it made me my skin crawl.

Thankfully, my sweetie recognized the signal I was sending and we were able to make our polite good byes and escape.

I remember the days before my husband truly understood my introverted nature. We'd enter a large gathering place-- a concert for example,  and because we'd not had a previous discussion about  it, he sort of expected me to choose where to sit and he would follow me. I'd stand at the back, almost frozen because the largeness of the room, the amplified noise and the unknown of all of it rendered me literally unable to make a decision. I didn't know where to sit because my brain was too busy trying to process all the stimulation around me and filter it into appropriate categories. Now that he better understands me he knows when we arrive some place new that I really do  NEED him to just take the lead. Don't ask me where I want to sit, just find us a place and lead me there!

I can play hard and love every minute of it when in a group of people I already know and am comfortable with, but eventually I'm fidgeting to be done. Ready to go home, put on my PJ's and curl up and veg. I relish and cherish my alone time, but that doesn't mean I don't  love people! I do need to be socially interactive. I just want it to have meaning.

So, it strikes me as funny that I now head up a women's writers group, which I'm willing to lay bets, is largely comprised of introverts. ( I don't have percentages to back this up but I think a large majority of writers are probably introverts)

Why this is funny to me is that when we started the group, most of us did not know each other. And what's more dreadful than going to a meet up with of a bunch of strangers? (Answer: going to a meet up with of a bunch of strangers and engaging in small talk! EEk!) It's been helpful to hide behind the hand outs of guidelines and reading our written words, rather than make surface talk around the table. Over time we've built a rapport, and gotten to know each other better and found connections of the heart and soul.

We have several gals who joined the writers group but haven't made it to any of our monthly meetings... and I wonder if the idea that they will have to face a room full of strangers and make small talk is just more than they want to pursue. I want to assure these ladies that I understand completely and I don't really blame them for choosing another activity (like staying home!!) over our meetings! I  also want to assure them that because I do understand, I can promise there will be no hand holding, no greeting 3 people you've never met before and really, no surface-y small talk.

Being an introvert is a wonderful thing. It's not something that needs to be fixed, as extroverts sometimes think. But it is helpful to recognize the differences between an introvert and an extrovert and then work to honor those differences. After all, this is the way God made us!

Reflections

Meet Bossy, Hossy, Saucy and Flossy. Everyone knows Thumbkin.

Several years ago my sweet niece gifted me with these ADORABLE fun winter gloves. I just love them and must admit to seeing raised eyebrows when people see what my fingers are sporting! But hey, I love to play and I love to have fun--- and I don't mind a strange look or two!

I think that is truly something to celebrate... when we reach that time in our lives when we can laugh at ourselves. Not take ourselves too seriously. Being ME and being comfortable in that. That's a gift!

In high school I watched from the sidelines as the popular girls flirted with the jocks, never dreaming they might have had just as many insecurities as I did. They had the looks, the hair, the wardrobe and the personality. It seemed like they had it all. And what did I have? A flat chest, a sad wardrobe, acne, strict parents, bad hair days every day and no idea how to act if a popular boy was to ever give me the time of day!

mooooving and grooooving.  it was theme day at work...

I think going to my high school class reunion last year (35 years) really helped cement the fact that we are all just people trying to live our lives as best we can. We were all struggling in high school to figure out this thing called life and some of us seemed to have a better handle on it then others. Or maybe just faked it better.

I think the first time I looked in my mirror and liked who I saw was when  I was approaching my mid-30's. I saw a clear smooth complexion, curves in the right place, cute clothes to enhance the curves and a much more flattering hair style. I knew more about how to wear make up and not look made up. I was gaining confidence as woman and that went deeper than what I saw looking back from the mirror at me.

goofing off while on vacation

The first time I let my sweetie see me without make up, sporting a bed-head and desperate for coffee was a major step. But the first time I went on a church retreat and let the people in my small group see me sans make up, sporting a bed-head and desperate  for coffee was the moment I knew I had arrived.

what do you call a lack of coffee? Depresso....

I have trembled slightly when I have written the number "55"... it's kind of a big deal you know? BUT I remember feeling like I was OLD when I turned 25 and my first born started kindergarten and my sister remarked that I was a 1/4 of a century old. (thanks sis!) All the subsequent birthdays have rolled by with ease... at 40 years of age I was happily (re)married, working in a job I took great pride in, growing deeper in my relationship with Jesus and loving my life. I did not flinch over my age but happily agreed with the gal in the mirror that I looked as good as I felt. (lest you think I brag, let me assure you, I looked good BECAUSE I felt good and that inner glow makes all the difference)

well, hello there!

At 50, I took stock in my life, assessed the damage that fifty years of good (and bad) living had done and decided that perhaps the bloom on the rose was starting to -- uh--- droop just a tad. Gravity was having it's way, whether I owned a fitness center or not!! Hot flashes, love handles, and some unsightly gray (can't even call them silver-- they were definitely gray) hairs cropping up, were all just par for the course. Still, in spite of those things I realized there were much more important things to focus on; relationships being #1.

I think my relationship with God really moved into a much deeper priority by then and it saddens me to think that it took that many years to place Him that high up the ladder. Yes, I have been a believer since I was 9 years old but I didn't really think about how He might have plans for my life and I might want to consult Him on those plans from time to time. (I realize Moses was in his 80's before God brought him into the ultimate purpose his life was designed for but I think I caught on earlier than that!!)

A few years ago I asked God to help me see myself as He sees me and while I know I still have a ways to go in this, I realize now, I always will. But the confidence with which I pursue life these days comes not just from the life experiences I  survived, but from understanding and believing that I truly am a Child of God; redeemed, forgiven, washed clean, sanctified, set apart and chosen.

So, here comes 55 and I think I am ready. I recently lost 25 lbs and this is the least I have weighed in about 20 years. I am walking 3-4 miles almost every day and reaping the benefits of  good physical exercise. I got my hair cut and colored today and feel vibrant and sassy.

the price we pay for beauty...

On the outside, the bloom may be coming off the rose, but inside.... inside, I know my purpose in life --as a writer, as a woman, as a wife, and I love each and every aspect of those roles. God still has a plan for my life. And I am determined, by His Grace, to know it and live it.

for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, plans to prosper you and give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29.11

whatever

You know when you have a headache and you pop a couple Tylenol and in a little bit the headache has abated? I guess that's what I was hoping for when I started back on the antidepressants. Even though I know it takes time for it to build up in my system before it begins leveling me out. It's only been 2 weeks and the first week was at half dose as my body adjusted to the medicine. Still, I am anxious to get back to an even keel, one where I don't feel so fragile, so testy, so... choleric.

I also need to remind myself that I saw the signs along the way and ignored them, determined to do this thing by myself, which has turned out to be about as delightful as ignoring the 'bridge is out' sign and plundering over the cliff into the raging river below! Instead, I doggedly blundered my way into a deep dark hole and then sat in that hole for some time before I even was willing to admit it was a hole I was in. (Longer still to admit I was in a hole to my husband and then call and make the appointment to see my doctor. Oh, what a silly girl I am.)

I have said before that I am a glass half full kind of person. I identify with the Sanguine personality type for the most part,  but when I read the description of the Melancholy, I say "Oh, that's me too!" On other personality tests I find myself closely aligned with the Otter; I'm a let's have fun while we get it done, kind of person. Yet I am deeply introverted, meaning my battery discharges as I put myself out there and I need, desperately, the quiet, downtime to recharge. (As I get older, I find it takes longer to recharge the batteries)

Anyway, the last few weeks has found me grumpy, irritable, tired and sending out negative vibes that everyone-- most especially my poor husband-- can feel. It doesn't feel very good. I quickly become irrationally angry over small things I should be able to laugh off. It's painful and agonizing as I rant and rave, knowing this is unnecessary bad behavior. A friend asked me (when I disclosed my depression) if I was feeling sad and weepy, to which I laughed and said  "No, I just feel like ripping peoples faces off!"  (She leaned far away from me at that point)  But it's true. I don't feel depressed as in crying all the time, thinking my life is worthless and contemplating suicide. I just feel spent. I feel angry. I feel tired, disinterested in things that usually bring me pleasure, wanting to avoid social interaction. My brain feels crowded, like it will explode if I expose it to one more thing, no matter how small, and interestingly enough, it seems like the smaller the thing the more likely it is to irritate me. Like it's trying to take up what little space I have left and I am trying to save all my energy for things that really matter. I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to figure out where the $23.92 difference between my check register and what the bank says,is, when I could be doing something more important, like, oh, I don't know, playing spider solitaire.

Gah.

This too shall pass. I know I will be out of the hole in time. In fact I do know that the hole feels less deep than it did a couple weeks ago. Clawing my way out of it in a panic is probably more likely to just bring more dirt down on my head so it's better for me to wait patiently for someone to lower me a rope or better still a ladder....

In spite of all this, as I sit in my hole, I  think of the saying about how sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window? And how sometimes he makes us wait in the hallway for awhile? And how while we're waiting in the hallway, we can still praise him? I have no problem with that. While I sit in my hole it does give me plenty of time to think. To dream. (I dream about having a place like this to call my hole....)

Whatever you might be going through, remember this... 

God ultimately has a plan for your life. And He will bring you through it. 

Trust Him. 

Words to live by. I do. 

charging your batteries

Awhile back the battery to my laptop stopped holding a charge. As long as it was hooked up to the power adapter, all was fine but if it came unplugged within seconds the screen went black and all things computer-y came to a screeching halt. The big problem with this was that the power adapter had gotten rather loose in it's connection so it was very easy for the plug to come unplugged-- and it seemed to do it with annoying regularity. I recently replaced the power adapter with a nice snug fitting connection and all is well... as long as it says plugged in to the power source.

I'm very much like my laptop in some ways. I am an introvert. I recharge in private. I have an internal battery that holds a charge for a limited amount of time. And when it's spent, it's spent. Bruce kids me about the look on my face that tells him in no uncertain terms that I've 'hit the wall" and it's time to take me home, put me to bed, turn off the lights and tiptoe away-- far, far away.

I've learned in recent years how to occasionally check my power source-- make sure my external power cord is plugged in you might say. Still once in awhile I forget, get distracted or so caught up in other things that I forget to check my connection... and then, BAM! Auto-shutdown commences.

Making sure I have ME/Solo time is important. Quiet time. Time for creativity. Getting enough sleep. Proper diet. Exercise. Time for laughing. But perhaps none so important as plugging in to the Ultimate Power Source. Yes. Spending time in Worship, communing with God, whether through praise music, creation, fellowship with other believers, or reading my bible, listening for His Presence-- that is the Ultimate Power. When I neglect those important aspects, it doesn't take long before my screen goes black, my body shuts down and things get, well.....  ugly. We don't wanna go there.

I appreciate that I have learned to listen to my body. That God wired me this way and for a reason. I think sometimes we introverts get the short end of the stick, and it often comes from the extroverts we love, who think there is something wrong with us because we don't get charged up by being around others like they do. Yet, the world needs us introverts. Some of the best creativity out there was produced by the introverts!

What about you? Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Do you get your re-charge by being around others or does that drain you and you need alone time to charge your battery?

If you are an extrovert, is there an introvert in your life who could benefit from your being a little more understanding of the way God created them to be? (that they don't need fixing? they just need to be accepted.)

If you are an introvert, what do you do to recharge your batteries? Whatever it is, I pray you have some time this week to indulge and be healthy.