Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

Overcomer

I don't really know how to write about this. But as Flannery O'Connor  says, "I write because I don't what I think until I read what I say."

The news of Robin Williams death is so very sad, the grief made even deeper with the news of suicide being the likely reason. Suicide sparks a lot of discussion as it is probably never fully understood by those of us still living. Even in my darkest hours of depression, I haven't gone down that road. That is not to say that those kinds of thoughts haven't flitted through my mind. When we are in pain, we all want it to just stop. Mental anguish is no different.

My antidepressant works. Nine days out of 10, I can say that and mean it. But on that one day where it feels like I'm floundering, when it feels like a ton of bricks is pressing in on my mind and heart, when the thought of doing anything makes me cringe and pull back, on that day, I question how well its working. And I start jumping to conclusions such as, "I'm going to need more meds. I don't want to take more meds. I don't want to switch my Rx. I don't want to go down that troublesome road of trying new combinations. I want this one to work, dang it!" I remind myself that this is just one bad day and tomorrow it will be better. I remind myself of how good I felt yesterday and that the antidepressant was working just fine then. I calm myself with the promise that this is just a temporary slump, a little bump in the road, a hiccup. I administer self care however best will soothe that day. (sleep, chocolate, reading, staring into space...) If those things don't work and the day just finds me sinking lower, that is when those ugly scary thoughts of making the pain stop, come to torment me.

One of my favorite songs currently is "Overcomer" by Mandisa. I love, love, love the lyrics, the tune, and the powerful message. If you watch the official video, I promise you it will touch you on a deeper level. It shows several people who have faced insurmountable obstacles in life. Facing them, and OVERCOMING. The video inspires me. People in my own life, friends, inspire me as I watched them face trials of all kinds. I have watched them battle through cancer, substance abuse, childhood traumas, crippling illness, car accidents, facing possible jail time, numerous surgeries and the list goes on.

Everyone of them faced those demons and won. They OVERCAME. They inspire me to keep pushing, keep fighting, don't give up, don't give in. Ultimately my source of inspiration comes from the Word of God. But even then, God often uses my friends to bring these truths to me.

I will likely battle with depression for the rest of my life. Like diabetes or MS, or any other disease, depression is usually a chronic condition but it does NOT have to take over my life. I can be, I will be, I am, an OVERCOMER.