The news of Robin Williams death is so very sad, the grief made even deeper with the news of suicide being the likely reason. Suicide sparks a lot of discussion as it is probably never fully understood by those of us still living. Even in my darkest hours of depression, I haven't gone down that road. That is not to say that those kinds of thoughts haven't flitted through my mind. When we are in pain, we all want it to just stop. Mental anguish is no different.
My antidepressant works. Nine days out of 10, I can say that and mean it. But on that one day where it feels like I'm floundering, when it feels like a ton of bricks is pressing in on my mind and heart, when the thought of doing anything makes me cringe and pull back, on that day, I question how well its working. And I start jumping to conclusions such as, "I'm going to need more meds. I don't want to take more meds. I don't want to switch my Rx. I don't want to go down that troublesome road of trying new combinations. I want this one to work, dang it!" I remind myself that this is just one bad day and tomorrow it will be better. I remind myself of how good I felt yesterday and that the antidepressant was working just fine then. I calm myself with the promise that this is just a temporary slump, a little bump in the road, a hiccup. I administer self care however best will soothe that day. (sleep, chocolate, reading, staring into space...) If those things don't work and the day just finds me sinking lower, that is when those ugly scary thoughts of making the pain stop, come to torment me.
One of my favorite songs currently is "Overcomer" by Mandisa. I love, love, love the lyrics, the tune, and the powerful message. If you watch the official video, I promise you it will touch you on a deeper level. It shows several people who have faced insurmountable obstacles in life. Facing them, and OVERCOMING. The video inspires me. People in my own life, friends, inspire me as I watched them face trials of all kinds. I have watched them battle through cancer, substance abuse, childhood traumas, crippling illness, car accidents, facing possible jail time, numerous surgeries and the list goes on.
Everyone of them faced those demons and won. They OVERCAME. They inspire me to keep pushing, keep fighting, don't give up, don't give in. Ultimately my source of inspiration comes from the Word of God. But even then, God often uses my friends to bring these truths to me.
I will likely battle with depression for the rest of my life. Like diabetes or MS, or any other disease, depression is usually a chronic condition but it does NOT have to take over my life. I can be, I will be, I am, an OVERCOMER.