Peace, Peace, Perfect Peace

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about peace. 

Um, no. Not that kind.

It's the kind of peace Jesus talks about when He said not to be troubled or fearful. The kind of peace he promised when He said ..."the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give." (John 14.27)

I know there are times when I am guilty of approaching God like a vending machine/genie. "I need/I want..." I also recognize there are times when my approach is deep, no frivolity attached. Still, I always come away from the prayer time with something I cannot measure. Peace. 

Over the years, many of my prayer requests have not been answered exactly as I asked. People with illness have not been healed, (at least not here on earth.) Reconciliations, forgiveness, important life changes, have yet to take place. Requests for a myriad of things have not been honored according to the way I envisioned, or wanted. Sometimes even the things I have prayed for, things I truly felt I needed have not come to pass. 

It can make me wonder if I'm doing it wrong. It can make me question if God is listening to me. To be completely honest....it can even make me feel I might be... wasting my time. 

Hmmm...

In Philippians 4. 6-7 we're told, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Nowhere in this verse does it promise to answer my requests. 

Yet, God DOES want us to come to Him with the burdens on our heart, the things that we'd otherwise fret about. But He never says, “Tell me what you need so I can fulfill it." No, He says tell me what you need and give me praise for what I have already done. THEN, you will... what? Receive all you asked for? Um, nope. It says then you will experience God's Peace... which is like nothing you can comprehend. Peace that transcends understanding. Peace that goes beyond the range of limits! 

God does command us to pray. If we want to be obedient to His will, then prayer is an important part of that. I am blown away by the fact that we are also invited into conversation with Him. He wants to partner with us! And not just so we can dash in for prayer as if He's a 7-11 Jesus, grabbing the things we need (safety for my husband on the job, healing for all those people on my list-- you know who they are Lord, and please make things go smoothly for my friends who are struggling...) 

He longs for us to come into intimate relationship with Him, spending time communicating, and communing with Him. Could the point of prayer be then not so much about seeking His power as it is about seeking His presence?

I am reminded of  that wonderful, tender hymn "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His Glory and Grace."

Time spent in the Presence of our Holy God is life changing. Regardless of our circumstances, and regardless of the outcome of our prayer request, the time we spend gazing on His face, soaking in His presence, THAT is what prayer is designed for. 

Moving On, Moving Forward

I found this awesome quote the other day by Monique Duval and I just loved it so much I decided to share it... both on my facebook page and here:

She decided to free herself, dance into the wind, create a new language. And birds fluttered around her, writing “yes” in the sky.” 

I feel like this quote describes my life from the moment I stepped into the path of healing and seeking wholeness and learning who I really am, as a woman, as a contributor to society and most importantly as a child of God.

Life is a constant and the only thing we can count on staying the same is change. We have to be ready for it. Change is something many of us really, and I mean, REALLY struggle with but yet is is what keeps life exciting. We do not live static lives. 

I am ready for change. I am nervous, facing another unknown but I have faith that God will guide and protect me. I don't know what will happen or when, just that it is time. I gave my 2 weeks notice at work this week and while I am filled with questions over this choice, (am I doing the right thing? what will happen now?) I know that once I reached the decision, there was a peace that descended that helps balance out those fears. 

It has been so gratifying to hear the responses from my boss and co-workers, expressing sadness over my decision to leave but they also understand that this is something I am choosing to do because I need to take care of myself, not because I am unhappy in my job.

Funny how peace and anxiety can co-exist. For as always, when we choose to move to someplace else in life, there are those moments of questioning and wondering and second guessing ourselves  Even when I have felt 100% sure of a decision and know I will not be looking back, there comes a whisper in the recesses of my mind, checking to see if I have any doubts. I still look back on my days of owning my business and wondering if I bailed to soon or if I could have handled things differently. But then I see this quote and I am filled with delight as the sense of freedom rises in me and makes me indeed want to dance and write a new language!

I am looking forward to the next adventure, whatever that may be, knowing that the God who holds me in the palm of His hand will continue to guide and protect me, stretch me perhaps, a bit more than I think I can go, but protecting me nonetheless.

He will do the same for you if you let him.

whatever

You know when you have a headache and you pop a couple Tylenol and in a little bit the headache has abated? I guess that's what I was hoping for when I started back on the antidepressants. Even though I know it takes time for it to build up in my system before it begins leveling me out. It's only been 2 weeks and the first week was at half dose as my body adjusted to the medicine. Still, I am anxious to get back to an even keel, one where I don't feel so fragile, so testy, so... choleric.

I also need to remind myself that I saw the signs along the way and ignored them, determined to do this thing by myself, which has turned out to be about as delightful as ignoring the 'bridge is out' sign and plundering over the cliff into the raging river below! Instead, I doggedly blundered my way into a deep dark hole and then sat in that hole for some time before I even was willing to admit it was a hole I was in. (Longer still to admit I was in a hole to my husband and then call and make the appointment to see my doctor. Oh, what a silly girl I am.)

I have said before that I am a glass half full kind of person. I identify with the Sanguine personality type for the most part,  but when I read the description of the Melancholy, I say "Oh, that's me too!" On other personality tests I find myself closely aligned with the Otter; I'm a let's have fun while we get it done, kind of person. Yet I am deeply introverted, meaning my battery discharges as I put myself out there and I need, desperately, the quiet, downtime to recharge. (As I get older, I find it takes longer to recharge the batteries)

Anyway, the last few weeks has found me grumpy, irritable, tired and sending out negative vibes that everyone-- most especially my poor husband-- can feel. It doesn't feel very good. I quickly become irrationally angry over small things I should be able to laugh off. It's painful and agonizing as I rant and rave, knowing this is unnecessary bad behavior. A friend asked me (when I disclosed my depression) if I was feeling sad and weepy, to which I laughed and said  "No, I just feel like ripping peoples faces off!"  (She leaned far away from me at that point)  But it's true. I don't feel depressed as in crying all the time, thinking my life is worthless and contemplating suicide. I just feel spent. I feel angry. I feel tired, disinterested in things that usually bring me pleasure, wanting to avoid social interaction. My brain feels crowded, like it will explode if I expose it to one more thing, no matter how small, and interestingly enough, it seems like the smaller the thing the more likely it is to irritate me. Like it's trying to take up what little space I have left and I am trying to save all my energy for things that really matter. I don't want to waste my time and energy trying to figure out where the $23.92 difference between my check register and what the bank says,is, when I could be doing something more important, like, oh, I don't know, playing spider solitaire.

Gah.

This too shall pass. I know I will be out of the hole in time. In fact I do know that the hole feels less deep than it did a couple weeks ago. Clawing my way out of it in a panic is probably more likely to just bring more dirt down on my head so it's better for me to wait patiently for someone to lower me a rope or better still a ladder....

In spite of all this, as I sit in my hole, I  think of the saying about how sometimes when God closes a door, he opens a window? And how sometimes he makes us wait in the hallway for awhile? And how while we're waiting in the hallway, we can still praise him? I have no problem with that. While I sit in my hole it does give me plenty of time to think. To dream. (I dream about having a place like this to call my hole....)

Whatever you might be going through, remember this... 

God ultimately has a plan for your life. And He will bring you through it. 

Trust Him. 

Words to live by. I do. 

Martha, Mary and Me

I realize the amount of "Things To Do" between now and when we leave Wed. is of such magnitude that the last thing I should be doing is sitting here but as I said on my Facebook status this morning, the next two days will require Martha-like diligence and the only way to survive this is to start the day like Mary.

I have often experienced Mary-Martha tug-of-wars. I want to just sit at the feet of Jesus and rest and revel in His presence but obligations, responsibilities and perhaps even some pride have often tripped me up. I know Martha often gets a bad rap and I would love to write about this at greater length.     Some day.
I would love to delve more fully into the peace and wisdom that comes with Mary's actions.      Another day.
For right now I just needed to express that for those of you who are facing your own 'to-do' lists as you count down the days till Christmas, as you worry over details, remember.... there is really only ONE thing to be concerned about....

"But the Lord said to her, "My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it and it will not be taken away from her." ~ from the Gospel of Luke, chapter 10


May you find a little peace today.