Invitation to the Party

My heart is sorrow filled even as I cling to the peace that passes understanding. Dear friends of ours are facing the toughest, darkest moment as a battle with cancer nears the end.....

Michael had a bone marrow transplant several months ago and was doing well.... but last week found him back in ICU down in Seattle with a serious lung infection and Graft VS Host Disease present....  the doctors have been doing everything they can to bring it under control.... there have been several serious heart episodes on top of it all.... and now it seems Jesus has issued the invitation for Michael to come home. 

this excerpt, from  Michael's Caring Bridge Journal, written by his beautiful wife Catherine, gives a taste of the commitment and faith that is sustaining them during this very painful and difficult time.

This morning as I was wrestling with my God, feeling at times the frantic desperation that sucks the very breath out of me, and surrendering to the sweet peace that passes understanding, I received a gift from the Lord. He told me that 'Preparations were being made for my beloved husbands Home Coming Party. There was a lot to do, and all the invitations were sent out throughout the heavens and the saints were gathering.One of the first people in line to greet him after Jesus was going to be Job. As they see each other for the first time, there is instant recognition and they embrace as two valiant men that God has found blameless and upright. All heaven cheers....'

please hold this precious family in your prayers as the end is so very near. 

prayers for today

Psalm 30:2  LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. 

A dear friend who has been battling Lymphoma is having the Bone Marrow Transplant today! If you would lift up a prayer (or two or three) today I know it would mean a lot to Mike and Catherine and to me.

to learn more about his journey you can read about it here


meanwhile, I am so thankful for God answering my prayers... my back is much better today. however, we will not be vacuuming, mopping or doing any other vigorous cleaning today even though our small group meets at our home tonight....
we will be meeting in a candle lit room...

(ANTI) depression

I am going on record to say I am 100% opposed to depression. I guess that would make me anti-depression.

Wait. Isn't that the little pill I have been taking faithfully for the last 5 years?

yup.

My story about my struggle with depression is not so radically different from any other person on the planet who has also struggled with this illness. The black hole that sucks energy, enthusiasm, and interest in things around us and replaces it with lethargy, frustration and sometimes anger had been circling my hemisphere for quite some time before it finally pulled me in.

I point directly to the stress in my life at that time. Job strain, family circumstances, relational issues and one too many helpings of all of those things being served at the same time. And it wasn't the first time I had to take medication to bring me back to an even keel. But this was probably the darkest, deepest level I had ever navigated. It took a long time and a lot of trial and error with prescriptions to find the right combination to bring me back to a place of balance.

Oh. And prayer. That was the kicker for me.

and now after 5 plus years of my morning happy-pill, I am really ready to be done.

I have eliminated many of the stress factors from my life. I no longer own my own business -- and in fact spent a good year working on recovering my health. (Ironic isn't it that I owned a health club and I had to get rid of that to regain my own health. that says a lot about what I was -- and wasn't--wired for!)

The family/relational issues have been smoothed out and my spiritual connection with God is stronger.  I learned along the way to take my vitamin D (I think probably everyone in the PNW is V-D3 deprived!) exercise, eat right, practice a balanced lifestyle ..... and stay in The Word and on His Path.

I still have my low-energy days, days of feeling anti-social but I chalk that up to my introverted personality needing recharge time, more than to a mood disorder. In praying about this I think I am being shown that the right time for weaning off the med has arrived.

One Eye Shut

So in addition to the sniffles I somehow scratched the cornea of my right eye leaving me in pain and with a blurry watery eye. Husband took me to the eye doc last night (thankful he has evening appointments) After several different kinds of drops in the eye to soothe and anesthetize things and a blank contact lens to act as a buffer/band-aid, he sent me home with instructions to come back in the morning.

don't know if you have ever scratched your eye but these are mighty painful!! This is not the first time I have had this happen. In fact the first time this happened was about 32 years ago when my son was an infant and I was scratched by his little fingernail as he wailed and flayed his little arms around during a colicky moment.

Since then that eye has been super sensitive. Bright lights, early morning eye rubbing, wind....  can and will re-aggravate my poor eye with no advance warning. About 5 years ago I re-injured that same eye by accidentally poking myself with a tablecloth of all things-- I know that just sounds stupid but I was shaking the plastic cloth out to lay on the table and a corner fold snapped my eye. (Ended up at the E.R. in the middle of the night for that one the pain was so bad. )

A few weeks ago my eye decided to flare up after I walked outside for a little bit and the breeze aggravated it somehow. And then this week, after wearing my contacts for several hours without adding eye drops (dry eye tendencies here) the poor sore spot flared up.

Eye doc said it is a pretty significant abrasion and gave me several different drops to administer at home. One of which dilates the pupil of the eye. Apparently when the pupil is dilated it stops the eye from contracting and causing it to spasm. So my right eye has a very large pupil.

source: google images

My honey says I look like Bill the Cat.

Gee, thanks babe.





I am trying to come up with some deep life lesson analogies in all of this but so far nothing. If you have any suggestions I am-- like my pupil-- WIDE OPEN.

Back to Normal???

~~what is normal anyway but a setting on your dryer?~~

Good Morning World!! What looked like *FROST* on the landscape this morning has quickly dissipated in favor of a sweet sunshiny sort of day. I treasure any sunny day that comes after Autumn Equinox. 

I've been so intent on logging every detail of our road trip that the things going on concurrent to my writing have faded into the background. Things like...

We started a new ALPHA course on Monday nights and have 9 people registered! Much smaller than last winter but we are actually kind of glad to have the size we do. We can take more time in our discussions and get to know everyone a little better.

Mom! Took her to the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday and she DOES NOT HAVE TO COME BACK TO SEE HIM!  She was pretty excited about that! She doesn't need to wear the boot-- which had actually been reduced to an air cast in recent weeks-- and she won't need to wear that either! Paperwork is being shuffled and we have an anticipated going home date of this weekend!!!  I think she is excited and yet a little nervous about being back in her own little apartment. After all she has had round the clock care for over 3 months-- almost 4 months! To be released and responsible for everything can feel a little intimidating to say the least. But we are doing everything we can to help ease her back into a *normal* routine.

One of those things is mealtrain.com This is a GREAT online resource for setting up meals for someone recovering from illness or surgery or a new mommy. I love the way you can see the calendar spread out for weeks at a time and who is bringing what when. Sure makes is easier to schedule and arrange. (I remember setting up something like this for my sister when she had baby #4 and it was a lot of work coordinating 4 weeks worth of meals-- on the phone for hours filling in the dates--wheew! This is super fast and super organized!! We like that!!!)

Mom doesn't know about the meal train service yet. Thought it would be a great surprise to present her with after we get her home. I have it set up for meals 3 x a week since it's just her and I am thinking a casserole or pot of soup will feed her for more than one meal. She can reheat or freeze left overs. 

The third thing this week was the start of a new school year... that's Dream Realization School. Yes, I graduated last spring. But I'm coming back this year as a table leader! Each class is divided into table groups of 5-7 with one person as the table leader, (or facilitator-- a much friendlier word) and that person prays for the people at her table, helps keep them on task during discussion time and reminds them of their homework and is sort of a liaison between student and teacher. I am excited about my role and have 5 beautiful young women under my care. They range in age from 17 to 32, some single, some married with kids. All with beautiful hearts for mission. We had a good chunk of time that first night to get to know each other a little bit and I can tell that our times together will be lively and challenging! There are some real thinkers and feelers in this group. 

I am also the BUS DRIVER! True, I no longer have my CDL as I never expected to find myself behind the wheel of a school bus again, but a 15 passenger van is totally within my control. It started with me encouraging Wendi to attend DRS. I met Wendi last year when we went to Macedonia together on the church mission trip. I see great potential in Wendi and know God wants to see her built up in the Word and Knowledge of Him. When she said she would love to attend DRS but had no way to get there, I said impulsively (but sincerely) "I'll drive you!!!" Well that quickly morphed into a car pool as several others from the Kendall Campus wanted to attend DRS too. AWEsome!! Pretty soon my car was too full. That's when Kate, our DRS director (my former boss) suggested I could use the church van and bring everyone to class. And if I was bringing everyone to class would I stay and be a table leader? 

We have 8 people from the Kendall Campus attending! In a class of, I think, 24, that is a huge percentage! Very exciting! For the first class-- Tuesday-- we didn't have the van thing worked out and Bruce ended up driving his van and me, the car, to get everyone down to Lynden. You have to understand that there is a bit of a distance between the Kendall- Peaceful Valley area where these folks live, and Lynden, where the church main campus/office and school, is being held. For a lot of these folks, gas for extra trips like this is a luxery and if you have to chose between staying home or using gas you need for getting to work, you'll stay home.

Wow, if that wasn't enough for this week, Bruce and I also launched a new small group! We met for the first time last night. Yah, I know. On Our Anniversary. Not good planning but we reasoned we'd truly celebrated all last week with the trip, if we delayed another week it would be October, and we wanted our small group study focus to correlate with the sermon series, which started 2 weeks ago. So we had 2 of the 3 couples we'd invited present. (the one couple missing had a family emergency at the last minute) We're going to do Crazy Love by Frances Chan, using the book and the DVD series to move us through the study. Excited about that and about this new small group. 

The motivation behind our starting this is simple. Bruce and I would have never developed into small group leaders or leaders of any sort, if someone else had not come along side of us and encouraged us and mentored us. We feel in this season of our life, it's time for us to do the same for someone else. So we prayed about it and asked God to speak to us about other couples in our church who had (untapped) leadership potential. 

And in the midst of the small group kick off, we did celebrate our anniversary. We shared a little bit of our love story with the group last night as our way of 'getting to know one another'. And looking at each other from across the room, knowing we were doing what God has called us to do as a couple, relying on each others strength in our areas of weakness, and seeing our oneness played out in a tangible way, well, I can't think of a better way to celebrate 15 years of marriage. 

So we have half the week behind us and still plenty to do before the week ends. 

Bruce is still moving forward with the mission trip to Japan. Looks like late October travel dates and we need to expedite his passport renewal process. Between that and a little annoying detail known as 'earning a living' there is homework and housework and winterizing the travel trailer. Oh and moving Mom home. Never a dull moment but I think that too ranks as *NORMAL*

What is Mom Up To?

Yesterday we met for a Caregivers Conference. This included the charge nurse, physical therapist and social workers. And Mom and I of course. We discussed exciting things like GOING HOME!! Yes, it is possible that in just 2-3 weeks she can be back in her own little home again. But there are some hurdles to jump yet to prove she is ready. Problem is, some of those hurdles cause my mom to shut down and say  "I can't" or "I won't" Yes, those words again.

How often do I say I can't or I won't to things God presents to me? I am never forced to participate in God's work but rather, invited to join Him. Yet sometimes fear and doubt hold me back. I convince myself there is NO WAY I can do this, forgetting that I won't be doing it alone. 

Mom won't have to jump these hurdles by herself either but she does have to be willing to take the first step (literally!) and be open to trying and accepting help from others.

Mom's ankle is still supported by the big black boot but she has shown she can stand without it on and will start P.T. this week without the boot, as tolerated. She is using a walker to some degree and being encouraged to dispense with some of the things that keep her from full independence. She is going to start administrating her own med's again too. (She is diabetic) Before she goes home, we will have one of the therapists meet us in her home to look at how well the house is set up for her. Scatter rugs, extra (or unstable) furniture and clutter can be dangerous and having an outside party examine these things will be very helpful. I might not catch those things.

How like our Christian Family this is. We all need those support people in place to help us go through this crazy thing called life. We can't do it alone. We need the Holy Trinity for sure and then God goes one better by adding in other believers to encourage, love and guide us. They hold us accountable if we'll allow it. All things that make the Walk sweeter. 

So, I'll be encouraging Mom to try. To trust. To make every effort to do what she needs to do to be strong and independent again. And I will trust my fellowship of friends to do the same for me.

When You've Hit A Wall

it's best to just lay there awhile before you get up. 

I am so in need of this day to do nothing. I need downtime desperately. 

I need downtime on a regular basis actually and this week has not allowed for any. 

I'm not whining. I'm just stating facts. 

I slept in and when I did get up it took THREE cups of coffee to get me motivated to do anything other than just sit in my recliner and breathe.
So then, I puttered.
Oh the pure joy of puttering!!!
Even if it was mundane chores like...
laundry and dishes and cleaning the kitchen counters and floor.
Even if it was non-productive time like...
catching up on other peoples blogs, or facebook (or... for shame, soap opera daily updates!) Simple pleasures, guilty pleasures, whatever you want to call them, it was truly bliss.

Mom is in good hands and even in good spirits. We talked on the phone this morning and she sounded great. She had been bathed, dressed and eaten breakfast and was expecting some physical therapy of some sort to happen soon she said. I will go in to visit her this evening as I know she has a friend coming to visit her this afternoon.

I will need to take care of this paperwork matter for getting her medical care covered and making sure Mom's bills get paid and so on..... and I also need to tend to my own paperwork for the job which was put on hold this week. (Grateful for understanding future employers)

but for today....

for right now...

I can enjoy...
the smell of a clean house...
fresh coffee brewing...
birds chirping...
a quiet house...

and feelings of...
relief...
comfort...
peace...

what blessings.

another long day

or, lessons in patience...

Surgery did not happen today despite best laid plans. The surgeon examined the 'hammer toe" on mom's foot and revised the treatment plan. more tests and conclusion is, the little piggie that had roast beef has to go. it will actually be a relief and blessing in the long run as her poor foot is indeed 'hammered'. so tomorrow is the new surgery date and they will amputate and repair the breaks to the ankle. A two-fer... or maybe it's a Toe-fer... sorry, rummy head after so little sleep!!

She endured endless poking and prodding, lost count of the amount of Xrays, a trip to the vascular center for tests there and then a re-setting of the ankle in its temporary cast/splint as the bone had shifted. Thank God for pain meds.

>OK< a little more humor because that is how my family gets through it...
the surgeon's name is Dr. Holstein. Yes, like the cow. His partner in the ortho office is Dr. Wu. So they call them Wu and Moo. On wait, it gets better. Mom's primary care physicians name is..... Dr Goo!!! Seriously. We laughed so hard when we lined this all up today. Thank you Lord for things to laugh about in the midst of stress and worry!!

Heading to bed to try and catch up on what I lost last night so that tomorrow we can head back to the hospital and do it again. No idea on surgery time but sometime in the afternoon is our best guess.

We had a few people drop by; pastor from her old church, friend from her small group and one of my old friends from school... lots of phone calls and facebook messages. I know mom is feeling the love and for that I am truly thankful.