Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

Six Decades

 Today is my last day of being 59. 

Yup. tomorrow is my birthday and I will officially be SIXTY. 

6 decades. yipes!

6-0.

YIPES. 

Actually since I have been technically living out my 60th year for 364 days now, with tomorrow signifying the completion of my 60th year and the beginning of the next one I can't pretend to be in shock about the number. And as usual I'd rather confess my age than my weight so there's that.

say what????

I am in a reflective mood however. I am thinking back on the past 6 decades and trying to categorize them.

Those first 10 years of life is just learning how to function in the world. Walking, talking, dressing ones self, learning to share, read, write, do math. Growing up on a farm there were chores to do, year round so learning to be responsible goes in the mix.

baby robin just out of the nest

winter time fun!

From 10-20 a lot can happen..... those tumultuous teen years, rebellious and sulky. Learning what can propel you forward and what can set you back. You make a decision and face the consequences good or bad.

grumpy in the morning... nothing's changed....

its too blurry to read but my T shirt says
  "if you don't like my peaches don't shake my tree."
shaking my head...

 I became a mom in my 20's so that 3rd decade from 20-30 was full of all sorts of growing  experiences. I faced many truths in that decade such as parenting is both rewarding and disappointing, and always a challenge. I had to accept that my marriage was a sham. 

pregnant with baby #2 and cuddling my first born

my daughter, baby #2

That made the next decade between 30-40 a time of fighting for my rights, acknowledging many lies and truths and navigating the sometimes hidden path to healing. It also brought something beautiful in my relationship with God, and a man who loves and cherishes me.

the beginning of feeling free

From 40-50 life was pretty sweet. Building new relationships, testing the waters of real adulthood. Finding my voice in an equal as a wife, as a business partner, as a leader in my church. Being a grandma, establishing a new path with my adult children. Overcoming PTSD, but learning to embrace depression and accept limitations. To be sure there have been many MANY bumps along the way. But so much opportunity for growth, forgiveness, healing. 

This last decade has really been about living in faith I think. We went through some real financial hardships, loss of relationships, changes-- big ones-- and I think the focus for me has been on trusting and acceptance. Trusting God to provide our every need. Trusting my husband in his decisions. Trusting others and allowing them to get close to me. Accepting more fully the nagging depression and making peace with it. Figuring out how to strike a balance in life that keeps me on an even keel-- keeps me stable. 

happiness is good but joy is better!

It brings me to today and a celebration of what I have learned, accomplished, conquered!

That shy, insecure, nail biting, bed wetting little girl with the dark circles under her eyes has now become a pretty confident woman if I do say so myself. 

some days I still see her 

And that really brings me to the main thing I feel I have learned over 6 decades of living. 

CONFIDENCE.

It's a journey. We are not typically born with self confidence. But it can be learned. It requires stepping out in faith. doing it afraid regardless of how you feel. Being stretched until it hurts but finding such a reward for doing so. 

choose to shine!

I am comfortable in my own skin. I like myself. I may not be proud of everything I've done and there are still days I let anxiety rule and depression threaten to take me down but it will never take me out. 

happy birthday to me!

 

This Too Shall Pass

As 2018 starts to wind down.... I shake my head that I can even say that! Wind down? Didn't we just get started??  And here I am blowing the dust off my blog. Poor thing has seriously been neglected ALL YEAR LONG.  No excuses. No apologies. Its life.

I got a new laptop. That's exciting. Well, it is when you realize you need to remember or reset all your passwords and find your files. I honestly could not remember how to log in to my blog so there were a few times I tried because I thought I might want to write. Didn't take much to discourage me and I would close the laptop and pick my phone back up and play another round of spider solitaire.

Because that is much easier to do.

I find I have been choosing the easier things. If it's gonna take much effort I think twice.... and that's not a good thing. I am not patting myself on the back for taking the easy way out.

Its easier to sleep in than to wake with the alarm clock and have breakfast with my husband. Easier to eat a granola bar than cook something healthy. Easier to check facebook than get into God's book. Easier to stay in my slippers than don tennis shoes and go for a walk. Easier to buy a bigger size of jeans than actually loose those 5-10 pounds.

Easier to ignore chores. Phone calls. Responsibilities. And that's when I know my life is sorely out of balance. That's when I know that the depression is winning a round.

Thing have got to change for me. I'm plodding. treading water....
Some days look good. I'm actually productive and working my business. I reach out to my friends and cultivate those relationships. They seem short lived however and then I start to slip back into the comfort of seclusion.

Yah, yah.... the anti-depressants are working. I saw my Doctor for my annual review and things are OK. I accept that there will be days, waves, when it feels like I'm going under and there will be days I ride the wave. I accept that because I would rather learn to work within the struggles and challenges and be real than to add more Rx to my life and feel.... not free.( If that makes sense.)

As this year has unfolded someone very close to us was diagnosed with Bi-Polar type 2. If you didn't know this, they have reclassified manic-depression as two types of Bi-Polar. One and Two. And apparently if you are gonna be bi-polar 2 is better than One. I guess as far as managing it goes. Still, its been very hard for our loved one to find the right treatment and its certainly affecting the family unit, us included. But I do see how dealing with and learning to manage my own mental health can be an asset as I can truly relate and empathize.  I can assure our loved one that it will get better. It just takes time. And I can remind myself of that too.

That this too shall pass.

Free in Christ.

Today is a better day.

If I am actually sitting here writing, it's really a better day.

And I promise.... I will be back.

I Saw The Light!

Winter and the long dark days ahead are not really my friend. Too many previous winters have proven that. Depression complicated by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can make for some pretty bleak and exhausting days.

 Last year I swore I would NOT go through another winter without one of those Happy Lights. True to my word, I purchased one a couple weeks ago. It's a compact size so its convenient to move from space to space as needed. I had it set up in my kitchen window sill to start, letting it wake me as I made breakfast but I found that kind of startling light that early in the morning just didn't make sense to me, non-early bird that I am. I moved it to my work space, next to my computer. I think the discipline of sitting by the light at my computer desk will double as incentive to do some writing! Brilliant idea!!

It's only been a couple of weeks so I can't speak with authority to the job its doing but I am hopeful.

As I have done in past years on my Facebook account, I've been posting each day a gratitude or what I am thankful for that day.

That's a great way to remind ourselves of all we have been blessed with in this life. Some of the things I've posted are simple: warm home, coffee, cozy socks. Some have more significance: a loving husband, friends, good health. Some have deeper meaning: God's gift of salvation, being His child, eternal life in Christ.

Whether it's elementary or complex, the mind experiences a shift in attitude when our hearts exhibit gratitude. 

Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all things. 1 Thessalonians 5.16-18

Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away. Have you made a thankful list? If not, what are you waiting for?

Guess What?

I'm still alive!

I just spent the last couple of hours sprucing up the blog in preparation for a re-launch. I have to tell you that just as I hit the 'compose new post' button, my heart started pounding a little bit harder.... anxiousness building as I thought about staring at a blank page unable to write. But if a 1000 mile journey starts with a single step, then so does a blog post.... one word at a time.

It's been a long season of unrest. Depression, anxiety, lethargy. The usual trio of troubles. I have skipped many a writers group meeting because of this. If I am not writing and I don't even want to write then why bother going? Those are the sort of thoughts that would plague me.

There have many ideas floating through my mind however. Bits and pieces, phrases and fragments of words, just enough lately to think I might still have something to say and I might be able to say it well.

I haven't lacked for things to write about... experiences both exhilarating and exhausting.... trips, tattoos, testing, trying, terrifying, trust-building....Testimonial moments.


Stay tuned....

The Same Old Thing

it's a new year... a new year that is already 2 months in. We've experienced a hard hit of winter, with snow and rain and ice, followed by more snow and ice and rain! While the snow is beautiful to admire (from inside a warm house) driving in it or working around it is often a pain!

I've had one long battle with a cycle of colds that seems to keep relapsing. The never-ending cough has just worn me out. Constant fatigue. Stress hasn't helped. I have stuff going on in my adult children's lives which keeps this mom in prayer mode constantly. But even knowing God is in control, while bringing me a sense of peace and comfort, doesn't fully abate the mama's heart that wants to DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to help her kids out.

You know my kids live on the other side of the country... and airfare isn't cheap. It's been over a year since my last visit there and I am hoping, praying and planning for a visit in the next couple of months. I have to leave that timing in God's hands though because of certain circumstances and I am ok with that... on the  surface....

Between winter, colds and flu, and family worries the Big D has been looming larger than ever. Even though the Dr. adjusted my meds, it's a daily battle. I haven't felt this defeated in my depression ever. If it were not for the few hours a week that I work at the bookstore, or the occasional jewelry shows, every day would be Pajama Day.

I'm gaining back weight I've lost, I've lost muscle tone and energy, I have brain fog and back aches. I'm not a happy camper right now. I don't write, I don't sing. I go through the motions... Well, isn't this depressing?

But it's transparency.

Don't Tip My Cracker!

I told someone today that I have reached a point where it would not take much for the cheese to completely slip off my cracker.

Go ahead, chuckle. I am. It helps to maintain a sense of humor in the midst of it all.

life is good but then this happens...

Life is good. Really it is. I like my job at the bookstore. I like building my jewelry business. But I've been struggling. The lack of interest in writing, lack of enthusiasm for other things I usually enjoy, a strong reluctance to becoming too socially engaged or committed,  has been going on for just a little too long now to pretend it's gonna blow over on its own. I have an appointment on Wed with my Dr for my annual review and I think it's time to ask about a boost to my anti-depressant.

Back in 2005, when I still owned the fitness center and life was stressing me out every which way, back when I was first diagnosed with depression, there was a trial and error period till we found the right anti-depressant. After a couple of months when I started feeling like things had sort of smoothed out I told the Dr, "I think it's working but I still feel like something is off." She added another anti-depressant, a very low dose, but it was enough to bump me up to where it felt like I needed to be.

(I have said often that during that phase of leveling the mental and emotional state, I felt like life was just beige. When she added the extra pill I think I moved from beige into a very very subtle tinge of pink.)

Fast forward to 2009. I had sold my business and was concentrating on really getting healthy. After about a year I felt like I really needed to try life without pills. I reasoned that the things in my life that had brought me down were no longer there so didn't it make sense to at least try going pill free?I owed it to myself to try! And... I did "OK" for a couple of years but if you've followed this blog you know where eventually I ended up. (no, not the loony bin! but... there was a cracker with no cheese on it....)

I have made peace with the fact that I need a pill each day to help me. I see it as a reminder that I do nothing in my own strength. If depression is my 'thorn in the flesh' that's ok because God's Grace is sufficient for me.

When The Glass Is Empty

You know that glass half full/half empty thing? I've always maintained to be a half full kind of gal... optimistic even in my darkest days of depression. On better/best days the glass is overflowing. I've also had days where the glass is full but the contents are a little on the side of piss and vinegar. I take it all in stride..... but I'm not sure what to make of the realization that the glass is just sitting there empty.

It's not so much about depression as it is just feeling stuck. I want to write... and then, I don't. I mean I don't want to write. I don't even attempt it! The blog posts have been few and far between. What I thought was a dry spell finally broken has proved wrong.  I'm pretty much as stagnant as stagnant can be. And that IS depressing.

Or Am I????

Or is it? I can't tell because the part of me that doesn't want to write also says I sorta don't even care. It's a strange conundrum of sorts.

My writers group has helped keep me from going under in that I realize I am not alone. That several gals struggle with feeling stuck. Writers block. Or lack of time to devote to writing. So, I take hope in that. But I don't think its writers block. And it's certainly not a lack of time. I have always made time in the past to write. It's always been a priority. Till now.

Sure, I am busy. I'm working part time, I'm building my jewelry business, I'm a wife and a business partner, I'm a grandma and a daughter, a friend and a sister. But that's never stopped me before. In fact it has often spurred me on.

In all honestly it's not just the writing that's bothering me. I feel stuck in other areas. I've lost interest in things that use to bring me joy.  I'm sure I present as if all if fine but there's a place deep inside that feels pretty dog gone empty.

I start questioning the anti-depressants... are they just not working so good anymore? And I resist going there because I really don't want to  mess with the prescription and play that game of finding out what might work better and experience side effects that I know from the past are just no fun. I tell myself that this too shall pass and that just because I don't feel like writing doesn't necessarily mean that my depression is acting up.

I've forced myself to sit here today and write this. It feels uncomfortable. It kind of hurts. Yet there is a sort of release in the midst of it, like --and pardon this yucky metaphor but I can't shake the image-- like the release one experiences when you pop a big icky pimple. Gross, I know-- sorry!! but the pain is being squeezed out of me as I pressure myself to write.

My sister prayed over me the other day for a release to come in my writing. I want to believe that this might be it. But as I said, that break through I had back in the spring must not have taken because here I am again.

What keeps me hanging on and not loosing hope entirely is my faith in Christ. Whether I am in the center of His Will or stumbling just outside the circle, I know He's got me. That gives me the courage to try again. It keeps me from letting the shadows of self doubt consume me. And it gives me the grace to allow myself time for whatever is going on to pass.

What Am I Doing?

Life's been pretty busy between building my new jewelry business, working part time at the bookstore, watching my grandsons one day a week, and keeping the home fires burning. Not to mention, the writing group I co-facilitate and the book project we are working on there. Then my former self-employed hubby has picked up a side job as project manager for a new restaurant set to open sometime this summer and that has me running errands again. Yes, life is a little busy. I don't have time for depression or anxiety or fibromyalgia to interfere with things. But it does. 

With my husband leaving the house an hour earlier most mornings, I find myself stumbling around, coffee cup in hand, feeling sleep deprived and out of sorts. When I give in to the lure of the still warm rumpled blankets on the bed and crawl under them I find the delicious cocoon my mind and body craves. I doze and awaken to sunshine sneaking through the cracks of the curtain, or the sounds of raindrops splattering against the windows. Sleep cycle disrupted again I struggle the rest of the day to find my rhythm. It's frustrating. Walking daily seems like a distant memory, something someone did a long time ago but I can't remember who or why. I force myself to push past fibro-pain, cloudy thinking and loss of passion for most things. People annoy me and the thought of engaging in conversation is so overwhelming I can't even ....

I lay on my bed a lot and flick aimlessly through apps on my phone.I ask myself if I need to talk to the doctor about changing my anti-depressant or do something different.  It's worrisome. 

But on the mornings when things seem to fall into place and I do find my rhythm it's glorious! I stay awake, I throw a load of laundry in the wash and scrub down the counters and swoosh a mop across the floors. I go for a walk and I snap pictures left and right of everything I see. I breathe deep and I listen for cues that nudge me here or there. I work my business and study to make it better. I go to work with a smile and energy. I have my list of things to do and I knock it out of the park. I think "life is amazing and so am I". And at the end of the day I wonder what made it different from the day before? 

Depression is a thief. It steals my joy, my energy, my creativity. Anxiety is a rope that ties me to a chair and holds me prisoner in my room. Physical pain is crippling and only feeds my depression more. In those darkest moments I seek out the Psalms and feel David's anguish as he pours out his soul. 

These things I remember as I pour out my soul... Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. 

Life Goes On

This may be the longest break I've taken since I began blogging. I have to admit, upon my return from Florida, I fell into a funk. Sure, we can blame the depression (under control but always lurking) and certainly the awful sinus/upper respiratory infection that lingered for 6 weeks. But mostly, it was (is)  the pain of separation. Saying good bye is never easy. And the realization of just how much my grandkids have grown and changed since we visited in 2012 has had a very sobering effect. I've missed such a huge portion of their lives.

As I watched the days get gradually longer and the buds breaking forth on the trees and bushes, my spirits started to lift a bit.  The approach of spring will do that.

Next week my sweetie and I will take a little trip to the coast, visiting family and enjoying the Olympic Rain Forest and other hidden treasures. It will be great to get away and relax, play and have time together. Maybe this vacation will help chase away the blues and maybe even help restore my desire to write!

Step by Step

O God, you are my God

and I will ever praise you!

I will seek you in the morning

I will learn to walk in your ways.

And step by step

You'll lead me and 

I will follow you all of my days.*

Life has been good. I've been busy. The empty page for writing that used to taunt me has taken a back burner to the activities God's been bringing me. I got a job!
I started in Oct. Its part time and seasonal which means after Christmas we will see if they want to keep me on. But the job is great and I'm helping people and surrounded by good people. Its working in a Christian bookstore-- what a good fit! Books, Jesus and serving others!

I've been too busy to worry about writing although there are days the thought nags at me that I've neglected my blog, neglected my muse, neglected my creative side. But being involved in others lives has kept me from going too deep into worry.

With the changing of the clock and the changing of the seasons came the potential for an increase in feeling lethargic. In times past it's gotten me down pretty low. This year I was prepared for it mentally and it hasn't dropped me to my knees. I still have days when it feels like my anti-depressant isn't working as well as it should but I'm pushing on, refusing to let that stop me from reaching for positive things.

I have an exciting goal set for January of going to visit my daughter and grandkids in Florida and the job is the blessing that will allow it to happen! It's long past due for a visit.

All in all, life is good. And I just keep taking one day at a time, one step at a time, letting God take the lead.

* lyrics from Rich Mullins, Sometimes/Step by Step

28 Days Part Two

Winter isn't my finest time to begin with, given that S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) compounds my long term battle with depression. Add in some feeling pudgy and sluggish and you've got a major black cloud hanging over you.

So.. with the arrival of spring and thoughts of cute summer tops and capri's to wear, I went into a little bit of panic mode when I discovered the change in my body (thanks post-menopause) over the winter months meant those cute clothes just didn't fit right anymore. I knew I had to do something.

A few days later in a conversation with my daughter-in-law, she mentioned a diet that several ladies she knew were following. She said they were eating all the time and losing weight. But she said it was super strict, in that there were lots of things prohibited on the eating plan. Still, they were losing and liking it. I was intrigued and later that day I googled the title and did some research on the diet.

The Fast Metabolism Diet was the name of the book and author Haylie Pomroy assured readers that they could lose up to 20# in just 4 weeks through the fat burning power of food. I didn't feel I needed to lose that much but so much of what she wrote about resonated with me because of my prior days of owning my own fitness center. We taught a weight management program at Curves that espoused ways to raise your metabolism so you'd lose the weight and keep it off. (That eating plan didn't work so well for me once I realized I was wheat/ gluten --and to some degree, dairy- sensitive). I realized just a few chapters into the book that the main problem for me was that the restrictive calorie intake had messed big time with my metabolism. I also wasn't eating enough of the right kinds of foods and I needed some help to get me back on track.

Now, you might think I'd know how to eat right but I'll admit right now, in the last few years I've gotten lazy in the kitchen. My cooking had gotten into a rut and I'd been going for fast, easy and cheap when it came to food purchases and prep. And because I am wheat/gluten and semi-dairy sensitive, it's a challenge to find food I can eat sometimes. I needed a meal map to point me in the right direction. Fortunately The Fast Metabolism Diet was full of maps and pointers. A kind of GPS for my tummy!

The diet is strict: NO wheat, corn, soy, dairy, sugar, artificial sweeteners, fruit juice, alcohol and, (the biggest one for me) NO COFFEE!! (I almost said "I can't do this" when I read that part. In fact I negotiated with myself thinking I could give up all of it but the coffee but once I finished the book I decided if I was going to commit to doing this, I needed to commit fully and give it my all)
And that's what  I did. I began to wean myself off the caffeine. I sat down and wrote out a meal map of my own, using some of the books recipes and suggestions, substituting some foods with ones I liked better (but that were still on the approved foods list) I prepared a shopping list. Best of all, my husband said he wanted to do this with me!

While the diet is strict, and with that list, you think "well, what's left to eat?" but honestly, I've never eaten better! Fresh fruit, veggies by the bushel full, lean meats--organic and nitrate free whenever possible, healthy fats like almonds and cashews, hummus and  avocados. Yes, I've missed my coffee and cream but it's not for forever. It's 28 days of eating strategically, designed to light your metabolism on fire! I've not felt deprived or starving and when I'm hungry it's because it's time to eat not because I've had to skip a meal to try and justify calorie intake.

 I feel better than I have in years! I have energy and stamina. My digestive issues have settled down to almost nothing. I've had only one bad day of fibromyalgia symptoms and I know it was related to snacking on some questionable food items at a party. I've lost inches all over and definitely seen a reduction in that troublesome tummy area! And weight loss? As of this morning I've dropped 10 lbs and am at the lowest weight I've been since... I can't remember when! (hubby reports he's lost about 5 lbs and definitely feels better and really loves and appreciates the wholesome goodness of the meals)

Bottom line is... it works.

coming next.... What follows 28? 

Grace, Strength, Hope

He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12.9

What a timeless verse! I've shared it many times here on my blog but its a passage of scripture that never loses power, never fails to stir a hope in me that surpasses whatever dark and weary emotion is weighing me down. The word 'grace' itself has several meanings. There's the grace that brings to mind a ballerina, pirouetting gently. There is grace as in being courteous. And then, the grace as in unmerited favor, offered freely, giving us eternal life. Grace is also the word I chose for this year as an area to concentrate on and grow in.
 

We all struggle with a weakness. Some physical, some internal. We are, after all, fragile 'jars of clay' as Paul puts it. I think of all the times I have struggled to find energy to do the thing that lies before me.When physical ailments challenge me the thing I need to do instantly becomes bigger. When I'm having a dark day internally, the thing I need to do can quickly get pushed to the bottom of the list. It's sometimes easier to pull the covers over my head and hide than try to forge ahead. It's on days like this that this verse saves me. Think about it. Christ is saying my weakness works to His advantage. If I am feeling strong and confident, I won't likely turn to Him. ("I can do it myself") Christ says it's when I am weak that He does His best work. It's as if being weak is the whole point!

And what about the next part of that passage?

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

God says "my grace is sufficient" but the take away for Paul was to boast about it! And not just to boast, but to also be content in it. I've said before that with chronic depression I have found ways to be thankful for it. It has made me all the more dependent on the Lord. I do feel like Paul, in that I have prayed-- and been prayed for-- that the depression would leave and I wouldn't need to take my little mood stabilizers anymore. So far it's not happened. And I'M OKAY WITH THAT. Because the power of Christ lives in me. I have learned to be content with my condition, with the gray days and the low energy. I'm okay with others judging me when they don't know the whole story. I'm okay with the difficulties that a chronic condition brings. I'm okay with it ...and I am grateful.

Because... when I am weak, then I am strong.