its only been few years

 How did I get here? from December 2018 till..... now? February 2022? I've had dry spells before but I used to love blogging and even when there were gaps there was never a complete halt to things.  Can I play catch up? Do I need to? 

To recap quickly... and just the highlights...

2019:

 after a couple years of slowly remodeling and building a loft space over our garage,  we opened The Robyn's Nest Airbnb in January of 2019. Its been an incredible success and has kept me plenty occupied. I love hosting in this way and the positive feedback has been very gratifying. We are booked year round mostly for avid skiers or other snow enthusiasts, but we get hikers and other adventurers year round and of course the occasional family visiting from out of town. One of the things we did just before we officially opened was to have a blessing party with close friends and family. We prayed over every bit of the space of the studio apartment and I believe that is what has set us apart and blessed our endeavors. We bring our best before the Lord and leave the results up to Him. It's been awesome!

In April my mom passed away. She made it to 90 years of age. No matter the age or how well you think you prepared for it, its still a trauma we must navigate. We had a beautiful celebration of life for her and it was well attended by both those who knew and loved our mom and the faithful friends who came to support our family. 

Also that April we added to our household in the form of a 4 legged bundle of fur. I'd been longing for a puppy for a couple of years and it took some time to convince my sweetie that a dog would be a great thing! We picked up Coop just a few days after Mom passed away. He was the perfect balm to my hurting heart! Coop is a Mastodor; a combination of Mastiff and Lab. He's now 3 years old and pretty much never leaves my side. As you can imagine the breed is large. He weighs around 100 pounds and has no idea he is as big as he is. He's goofy, sweet, playful, protective and of course, gorgeous! 

2020

What can we say about the dumpster fire that 2020 was?  The pandemic ravaged us in more ways that I even want to think about.... suffice it to say we survived it!

2021 

was more of the same... but with a couple of  awesome shining bright spots! The first was a trip of a life time in February of 2021. We flew to the US Virgin Islands for a 2 week adventure aboard a catamaran where with some family and friends we sailed around the islands. Kayaking, snorkeling, swimming, hiking, beach combing, sun bathing and more than a little bit of rum! It was the perfect vacation with memories for a lifetime. We hope we will be able to do this again some day in the near future... we'll see!

The other big event was moving my daughter and granddaughter back to Washington State. They are living only a few minutes away now after almost 15 years of being far apart both geographically and relationally. I am overjoyed  that we are rebuilding our relationships. Its not easy but its better. 

And here we are in 2022. I'm currently recovering from a major surgery on my left shoulder and typing with one hand is a pain in the butt no lie. But I decided to catch this up and then see about printing out my blog. Whether I will continue my blog beyond this is uncertain at the moment.  We will just have to take it a day at a time.

Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

Six Decades

 Today is my last day of being 59. 

Yup. tomorrow is my birthday and I will officially be SIXTY. 

6 decades. yipes!

6-0.

YIPES. 

Actually since I have been technically living out my 60th year for 364 days now, with tomorrow signifying the completion of my 60th year and the beginning of the next one I can't pretend to be in shock about the number. And as usual I'd rather confess my age than my weight so there's that.

say what????

I am in a reflective mood however. I am thinking back on the past 6 decades and trying to categorize them.

Those first 10 years of life is just learning how to function in the world. Walking, talking, dressing ones self, learning to share, read, write, do math. Growing up on a farm there were chores to do, year round so learning to be responsible goes in the mix.

baby robin just out of the nest

winter time fun!

From 10-20 a lot can happen..... those tumultuous teen years, rebellious and sulky. Learning what can propel you forward and what can set you back. You make a decision and face the consequences good or bad.

grumpy in the morning... nothing's changed....

its too blurry to read but my T shirt says
  "if you don't like my peaches don't shake my tree."
shaking my head...

 I became a mom in my 20's so that 3rd decade from 20-30 was full of all sorts of growing  experiences. I faced many truths in that decade such as parenting is both rewarding and disappointing, and always a challenge. I had to accept that my marriage was a sham. 

pregnant with baby #2 and cuddling my first born

my daughter, baby #2

That made the next decade between 30-40 a time of fighting for my rights, acknowledging many lies and truths and navigating the sometimes hidden path to healing. It also brought something beautiful in my relationship with God, and a man who loves and cherishes me.

the beginning of feeling free

From 40-50 life was pretty sweet. Building new relationships, testing the waters of real adulthood. Finding my voice in an equal as a wife, as a business partner, as a leader in my church. Being a grandma, establishing a new path with my adult children. Overcoming PTSD, but learning to embrace depression and accept limitations. To be sure there have been many MANY bumps along the way. But so much opportunity for growth, forgiveness, healing. 

This last decade has really been about living in faith I think. We went through some real financial hardships, loss of relationships, changes-- big ones-- and I think the focus for me has been on trusting and acceptance. Trusting God to provide our every need. Trusting my husband in his decisions. Trusting others and allowing them to get close to me. Accepting more fully the nagging depression and making peace with it. Figuring out how to strike a balance in life that keeps me on an even keel-- keeps me stable. 

happiness is good but joy is better!

It brings me to today and a celebration of what I have learned, accomplished, conquered!

That shy, insecure, nail biting, bed wetting little girl with the dark circles under her eyes has now become a pretty confident woman if I do say so myself. 

some days I still see her 

And that really brings me to the main thing I feel I have learned over 6 decades of living. 

CONFIDENCE.

It's a journey. We are not typically born with self confidence. But it can be learned. It requires stepping out in faith. doing it afraid regardless of how you feel. Being stretched until it hurts but finding such a reward for doing so. 

choose to shine!

I am comfortable in my own skin. I like myself. I may not be proud of everything I've done and there are still days I let anxiety rule and depression threaten to take me down but it will never take me out. 

happy birthday to me!

 

This Too Shall Pass

As 2018 starts to wind down.... I shake my head that I can even say that! Wind down? Didn't we just get started??  And here I am blowing the dust off my blog. Poor thing has seriously been neglected ALL YEAR LONG.  No excuses. No apologies. Its life.

I got a new laptop. That's exciting. Well, it is when you realize you need to remember or reset all your passwords and find your files. I honestly could not remember how to log in to my blog so there were a few times I tried because I thought I might want to write. Didn't take much to discourage me and I would close the laptop and pick my phone back up and play another round of spider solitaire.

Because that is much easier to do.

I find I have been choosing the easier things. If it's gonna take much effort I think twice.... and that's not a good thing. I am not patting myself on the back for taking the easy way out.

Its easier to sleep in than to wake with the alarm clock and have breakfast with my husband. Easier to eat a granola bar than cook something healthy. Easier to check facebook than get into God's book. Easier to stay in my slippers than don tennis shoes and go for a walk. Easier to buy a bigger size of jeans than actually loose those 5-10 pounds.

Easier to ignore chores. Phone calls. Responsibilities. And that's when I know my life is sorely out of balance. That's when I know that the depression is winning a round.

Thing have got to change for me. I'm plodding. treading water....
Some days look good. I'm actually productive and working my business. I reach out to my friends and cultivate those relationships. They seem short lived however and then I start to slip back into the comfort of seclusion.

Yah, yah.... the anti-depressants are working. I saw my Doctor for my annual review and things are OK. I accept that there will be days, waves, when it feels like I'm going under and there will be days I ride the wave. I accept that because I would rather learn to work within the struggles and challenges and be real than to add more Rx to my life and feel.... not free.( If that makes sense.)

As this year has unfolded someone very close to us was diagnosed with Bi-Polar type 2. If you didn't know this, they have reclassified manic-depression as two types of Bi-Polar. One and Two. And apparently if you are gonna be bi-polar 2 is better than One. I guess as far as managing it goes. Still, its been very hard for our loved one to find the right treatment and its certainly affecting the family unit, us included. But I do see how dealing with and learning to manage my own mental health can be an asset as I can truly relate and empathize.  I can assure our loved one that it will get better. It just takes time. And I can remind myself of that too.

That this too shall pass.

Free in Christ.

Today is a better day.

If I am actually sitting here writing, it's really a better day.

And I promise.... I will be back.

Word

It's a shiny new year.

As I have done in years past, instead of resolutions, I have chosen a word to be the focus on my year. This time I took one of those quizzes posted on Facebook... this was a link to Dayspring. I answered 7 questions and it gave me a word. I was maybe a tad skeptical to start but once I started reading the questions I liked what I saw and when I got my word, it truly resonated.

The word was 'SIMPLIFY'

This goes way beyond talking about material things. But a de-cluttering of mind, heart and spirit, to make room for more of Jesus.

What does that look like in practical terms?

Making time in His Word a priority. Removing or limiting anything that draws my attention away from God and what His plan is for my life.  Social Media, Movies, frivolous things, top the list. Perhaps the best way to sum it up is in this verse from Matthew 6:33

Following this up, I also have a prayer for 2018: to more deeply desire God's Word, not just as a fragrant aroma, but as oxygen-- a matter of life and death.

My cat, who is quite a hunter, has been spending much more time indoors these days as it's cold and he is slowing down. But he loves to spend time in the window watching the birds come to the pan of bird seed I put out each morning. His unwavering attention is to be admired!  He will perch in the window sill; his tail twitching and his funny little mews go unnoticed by the chick-a-dees and robins.

I think I can learn something from Toddy. To be that focused, regardless of what the results might be.... Ah, but I know something Toddy doesn't. My focus will NOT go unnoticed!

Jeremiah 29.13 states "You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart"

Thank you LORD. 

it was a terrible horrible no good very bad day

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy

I suppose it really started last night.

Insomnia.

While my beloved slumbered next to me, blissfully unaware of his melodious offerings, I tossed and turned. Finally, against my better judgement (but who has good judgement at 2 in the morning?) I took a sleep aid. So of course I was completely out of it come 6 am alarm clock time. I slept through my sweeties good bye kiss, through the second alarm and, oh look, 2 missed phone calls!
At 9 am as I was struggling to even sit up the doorbell rang. Now, normally I'd ignore it. But, we had insulators coming to blow insulation into the attic so I had to let them in. There was no time to try and look presentable so.... pajamas and night hair would have to do.

Pretty sure I traumatized the young man who stood at my front door.

Now upright, I made a desperate trek to the coffee pot. Thank God, literally, for coffee. As I balanced my coffee and a breakfast bar in one hand, my phone in the other I noticed how tight my low back was. I noticed because I tried to sit down in my chair and I couldn't. Yah, my back does this from time to time. It's always worse first thing in the morning and usually takes about 30-60 minutes of gentle movement to unknot and allow flexibility. No worries, I can drink and eat standing up.
Of course coffee usually motivates other things to move. That's when it started getting nasty.

When your toilet backs up first thing in the morning, you might decide to just go back to bed. Because have you ever tried using a toilet plunger when your back will not let you bend?? But fast advancing water, nasty nasty water, will force you to push through the pain barrier. 
Then, adding insult to injury, the stupid plunger broke while plunging. And let me tell you, there was NO WAY I was going after whatever little piece just fell into the bowl!

Dear brothers and sisters,[ when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy... 

I don't know about that....

Finally, crisis averted, back throbbing I hobbled back to the living room where I discovered the cat had projectile vomited his breakfast all over the carpet.
When your cat throws up, you might just decide to go back to bed.

Dear brothers and sisters,[ when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy...

Ever wanna tell James to just be quiet? 

When my husband called to reply to the text I sent him about needing a new plunger, he asked me to relay a message to the insulators. Oh dear. I was still in my pj's with uncombed hair and now a surly attitude.

Pretty sure I traumatized the other guy on the insulation team.

From there, the day seemed to even out. I went for a walk hoping some gentle movement might bring about relief. It did somewhat. I was able to get some laundry going, some dishes washed and the floor swept. Never mind the tidy little dust piles here and there. I'll finish sweeping those up later.

The big chore awaiting me was of course the bathroom. That floor wasn't gonna mop itself.

Around 1pm I was finally able to take a nice hot shower. And the day seemed better. I forgot about the troubles from this morning. The cat had calmed down, the insulators were done and gone and I was able to sit for short periods of time.

Then,  I went to the post office.

I have been having horrendous issues with package deliveries of late. Blame it on the holidays but it seems Fed Ex has one set of rules for package deliveries, UPS another and then USPS has another set. None are the same and mess up just one and you don't get your package. I've had just about enough grief from lost packages, returned packages, packages arriving demanding postage due in crazy amounts. Today was no exception. I might do a separate post on this as it deserves its own special venting session. For now, I'm sipping some sugar free hot chocolate spiked with Peppermint infused vodka. Because it's 5 O clock and I'm done. 

And, I have a verse to meditate on.

Dear brothers and sisters,[ when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1.2-4 NLT

Keeping it Wonderful

There'll be parties for hosting

Marshmallows for toasting

And caroling out in the snow

There'll be scary ghost stories

And tales of the glories of the

Christmases long, long ago

December is always a crazy busy month... or so they say.

 I think we can make it as crazy as we want  or we can pace ourselves, choose what we really really want to engage in and enjoy each moment without over doing it. 

What do you think? 

It's the most wonderful time of the year

There'll be much mistltoeing

And hearts will be glowing

When love ones are near

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Being a small business owner, I have made some concessions to the 

Christmas Craze as my livelihood depends on this time of year. 

I put up Christmas decor WAY before my birthday, 

which if you know me if almost unheard of! 

And I've been advertising specials and whatnot 

on my Facebook pages and offering all sorts of things.

 Its fun but it's also tiring.

I want to just be in the moment of the season and keep focused on the 

WHY of the season.... 

The REASON for the season...

 Christ's birth.

It's not about angels without remembering the angels who proclaimed His birth.

It's not about lights unless you recognize Jesus as the Light of the World. 

It's not about gifts unless you count the greatest gift of all, God's Son to save the world. 

And it's not about the tree unless you remember the most sacred tree of all, the cross upon which Christ was crucified.

As you prepare for the "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" I hope you remember the 

WHY of the Wonder. 

Wishing you a most Merry, Holy, Blessed Christmas.