My Big Scary Experience (But I Didn't Die)

On Wednesday morning (Jan. 15) I went in for a MRI on my liver.  Because a small 'mass' was noted when I had a CT scan in December, my Dr. recommended we follow up on that to make sure we weren't missing anything.  The good news is that the scan showed it to be benign, some blood vessels that have grouped together, nothing to cause any alarm or troubles and we won't need to do any follow up on it. Thats the good news.  

The bad news is that it turns out I am allergic to the contrast dye they used in the MRI. 

And not just allergic but like, seriously allergic. I am still processing the experience and hope that by writing about it I can process it better. 

The first part of the MRI was done without contrast. Because it was of my liver, my whole upper body was inside the chamber. I was told every few minutes to inhale, exhale, then hold my breath for a period of about 15 seconds. It didn't take but a couple of rounds to realize how hard it was for me to hold my breath longer than 10 seconds (I assume that is related to the shortness of breath issue I have been dealing with for the last few months) so that and the close quarters made me feel rather anxious, but I didn't have much choice but to persevere! 

For the final 8 minutes or so of the scan, the contrast was administered. I had the IV put in before the scan began so I was inside the chamber when the technician said they were starting the contrast. Within just seconds of the contrast entering, I felt a little strange. Something was 'off' and then I noticed how stuffed up my nose felt and then, my throat began feeling tight. I whispered to myself "Somethings not right" Then I felt my hands grow hot and itchy and very uncomfortable and I said it out loud "Something is wrong!" 

Now, I had in my right hand a ball to squeeze if I needed to get the tech's attention but for some reason, I didn't know how to do it. And I said aloud again that something was wrong. The technician asked me then if I was ok. I said "No! Somethings not right" When she asked what was going on all I could say was "My hands, they are itchy. it's not right" 

As the table slid to remove me from the chamber 2 technicians were there to check me, asking again what was going on. I said my hands were burning with itchiness and that my throat felt tight. One tech observed my arms were red and blotchy and asked me if that was something new. I remember looking at my arms and remarking in surprise something like "Oh, that's not good"

The tech/nurses helped me to a sitting position and asked me if I felt I could stand and walk. I guess I said yes because they helped me to stand, and each took an arm to steady me. I remember looking at the floor, at my feet, willing them to move, to take a step but it was as if my legs and brain were not connected. I heard the nurses saying I was having some sort of reaction and to take me to a different room. Then I heard a nurse say "She's going down!"

I blacked out then and came to briefly to realize I was sitting on the floor, and I said (Out loud I think) Why am I on the floor? Then I was in a wheelchair and fading in and out of consciousness. Someone waved something strong under my nose which roused me, and I saw we were in a different room with an exam table, and they helped me transition from chair to table, but it was really a blur. Next thing I knew the room was filled with EMT's and I thought that was rather strange.... Why are the EMT's here when I am in a doctor's office? But they were so busy hooking me up to things and I saw someone poised over my leg and someone said to use the epi pen in my thigh. I asked why they were going to poke me with that, and I think the response was that I was having an allergic reaction and needed the medicine. Honestly, nothing was making sense to me, but I was really rather out of it. I learned later that my blood pressure had severely dropped to 54/33. 

The epinephrine stopped the burning itch in my hands, and I was also administered Benadryl intravenously.  A nurse asked me if there was someone here with me they could call and I was able to answer that yes, my husband was in the waiting area. She went to get him. I saw him just outside my room, watching with grave concern as the nurses and EMT's were bustling around me. Our eyes met and held; we were trying to assure one another that it was going to be ok,

Again, everything was a bit of a blur and still not really making sense so when the EMT's asked if I could move myself to the gurney or did I need help I couldn't answer. They took that to mean no and quite unceremoniously transferred me to a gurney. Again, I felt confused, they were taking me to the hospital? Why? I guess I knew I was having a reaction of some sort, but it wasn't till I was in the ambulance that I heard someone say Anaphylactic Shock and it started to sink in that I was in major distress. The EMT gave me a chewable Zyrtec on the ride across the road to the hospital (I was at the imagine center directly across from the hospital)

At the Emergency room, Bruce was able to be with me and I was now experiencing full reaction to the Epi shot. I could not stop shaking-- like violently shaking, my teeth were rattling, and my voice was so shaky I had trouble speaking clearly. The ER doctor gave me a couple of things to help counteract that adrenaline surge and the shaking subsided and I was soon drifting in and out of sleep. We were at the ER for a couple of hours, as they had me on an IV to receive sodium chloride to help my body excrete the toxins. After I was discharged, we picked up a couple of prescriptions (Prednisone and Zyrtec) to continue taking at home and we went to lunch! Once home I climbed into bed and slept for several hours.

As I continue to recover at home, I keep replaying the whole thing and its slowly sinking in just how much of a life-threatening experience it was. Bruce and I were discussing it last night as it has taken us both some time to process and understand what happened. How grateful we are for the quick response once 911 was called by the imagine staff. Bruce told me how he was sitting in the waiting area when he noticed the ambulance pull in and a rush of EMT's entered the building. He had no idea they were coming on my behalf until the nurse went to get him. She told him adverse reactions to the contrast they used is extremely rare.  Guess that makes me special. 

Bruce confirms that.... I am special and God is not done with me yet! I still have things to do here on earth and I am grateful to be here!!

A New Year to Conquer

 In late October of 2024 I realized how tired I felt. All the time. 

In early November I noticed how winded I was after the slightest exertion. Climbing the stairs. Making the bed. Laundry, housework, and walking the dog were all leaving me exhausted and short of breath. It wasn't normal-- was I that out of shape? I made an appointment to see my doctor. We talked about all my symptoms, and given my family's history of heart disease, he was concerned enough to do an EKG in his office, send me for labs and scheduled an MRI of my head and a stress test. The EKG was normal. the blood work looked good in all areas except my cholesterol reading was quite high. The MRI was to look for warning signs for a stroke and it came back normal as well. The next step was a stress test. It was quite physically challenging for me to do which honestly kind of alarmed me as I do walk a bit every day, we live in a 2 story house so climbing stairs a dozen times a day was common, yet here I was hanging on to that treadmill for dear life as the minutes ticked by. At the end of the test, as I sat gasping to regain normal breathing and have my blood pressure come back down, the technician consulted with the cardiologist. The results were intermediate risk for heart disease, so my Primary Care Dr referred me to the cardiologist for further testing. 

 In the cardio office another EKG was done. The Dr ordered a specific lab test to check for clots, scheduled me for a chest X ray and an echocardiogram. She ordered everything 'STAT" which added to my anxiety over what was going on. All the tests came back with nothing alarming to take note of. She then had me get a CT scan of my heart and lungs. That too looked normal although it did catch something on my liver that gave us pause. Not likely that its anything of significance and probably not at all connected to my symptoms of fatigue and Dyspnea (shortness of breath) But.... That lead to scheduling another MRI, with contrast, focusing on the liver. 

In the meanwhile, my daughter reminded me that she was sick with Covid in September, and I came down with what I called a fairly normal head/chest cold around the same time. Did I have Covid then? I didn't test so I really don't know but when I shared that with the doctors, they both went "ahhhh..... ok then...."  and at this point I guess we have all decided I am dealing with 'long covid'. Unfortunately, the medical field seems to know as much about long covid as they did about covid when it first came out. The "treatment" for long covid is wait and see, I guess. 

The MRI for my liver happens this coming week. Again, the doctor thinks it will show something totally benign, but it would forever bother me if we didn't test to see what's really going on.

So.... what does all this mean? Last year I wrestled with the news that I have arthritis in my spine, my knees, ankles, feet and hands. Probably my shoulders too given I've had two rotator cuff surgeries and a rebuild on the left shoulder. That was a hard pill to swallow as I have dreams of hiking the Camino de Santiago, and many other fun activities that already look less promising given the pain I live with most days. 

Why am I writing all of this? It's quite depressing when I think about all the recent health challenges and chronic depression is something I have dealt with most of my adult life. 

I am writing this because the Word of the Year that God has given me is "JOY". Apparently, joy is something I need to work on because it's not the first time He has given me this word! 

James 1:2-4 (NASB)

Consider it all JOY, my brothers and sisters when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing.

Consider my trials joy.... let my faith be tested, gaining endurance, leading to perfect results... 

I have certainly endured many a trial in my 66 years! Trials that definitely robbed me of all joy, contentment, happiness and peace. But for faith in God, I would have completely crumbled long ago!

I am grateful that all my tests came back fairly normal.  Yes, I need to clean up my diet. (Apparently my love for butter and cream is coming back to bite me) and I need to try and remain as active as possible, even with all my aches and pains and fatigue. So I will find JOY in things. I will focus on the things that do bring me joy and I will find the joy in things that might not look so joyful!

Here's to be bright future, whatever lies ahead because I walk with the One who holds it. 

its only been few years

 How did I get here? from December 2018 till..... now? February 2022? I've had dry spells before but I used to love blogging and even when there were gaps there was never a complete halt to things.  Can I play catch up? Do I need to? 

To recap quickly... and just the highlights...

2019:

 after a couple years of slowly remodeling and building a loft space over our garage,  we opened The Robyn's Nest Airbnb in January of 2019. Its been an incredible success and has kept me plenty occupied. I love hosting in this way and the positive feedback has been very gratifying. We are booked year round mostly for avid skiers or other snow enthusiasts, but we get hikers and other adventurers year round and of course the occasional family visiting from out of town. One of the things we did just before we officially opened was to have a blessing party with close friends and family. We prayed over every bit of the space of the studio apartment and I believe that is what has set us apart and blessed our endeavors. We bring our best before the Lord and leave the results up to Him. It's been awesome!

In April my mom passed away. She made it to 90 years of age. No matter the age or how well you think you prepared for it, its still a trauma we must navigate. We had a beautiful celebration of life for her and it was well attended by both those who knew and loved our mom and the faithful friends who came to support our family. 

Also that April we added to our household in the form of a 4 legged bundle of fur. I'd been longing for a puppy for a couple of years and it took some time to convince my sweetie that a dog would be a great thing! We picked up Coop just a few days after Mom passed away. He was the perfect balm to my hurting heart! Coop is a Mastodor; a combination of Mastiff and Lab. He's now 3 years old and pretty much never leaves my side. As you can imagine the breed is large. He weighs around 100 pounds and has no idea he is as big as he is. He's goofy, sweet, playful, protective and of course, gorgeous! 

2020

What can we say about the dumpster fire that 2020 was?  The pandemic ravaged us in more ways that I even want to think about.... suffice it to say we survived it!

2021 

was more of the same... but with a couple of  awesome shining bright spots! The first was a trip of a life time in February of 2021. We flew to the US Virgin Islands for a 2 week adventure aboard a catamaran where with some family and friends we sailed around the islands. Kayaking, snorkeling, swimming, hiking, beach combing, sun bathing and more than a little bit of rum! It was the perfect vacation with memories for a lifetime. We hope we will be able to do this again some day in the near future... we'll see!

The other big event was moving my daughter and granddaughter back to Washington State. They are living only a few minutes away now after almost 15 years of being far apart both geographically and relationally. I am overjoyed  that we are rebuilding our relationships. Its not easy but its better. 

And here we are in 2022. I'm currently recovering from a major surgery on my left shoulder and typing with one hand is a pain in the butt no lie. But I decided to catch this up and then see about printing out my blog. Whether I will continue my blog beyond this is uncertain at the moment.  We will just have to take it a day at a time.

Empty

On Tuesday morning this week I learned the heartbreaking news about the death of an acquaintance.  She was a friend of a friend that I met through one of the style & jewelry events I held last year. She was in fact planning to host one of her own for me when life got a little calmer.

But life did not get calmer for her. Fighting demons that no one seemed to be fully aware of, she took her life on Monday night.

 

What I knew of her was that she was a loving mom, a genuine friend and had a sweet personality that seemed to draw people in. But as some of the comments posted on her facebook page let on, she was struggling with some deeper darkness that eventually pulled her down.

It hits hard knowing that suicide became her answer. Knowing that yet another person I know, who struggles with depression, chose this. And yet, I understand....

In my years of battling depression I have never attempted to end my life. I have not been tempted to go there. But I understand how one could entertain thoughts. Because some days the pain of feeling nothing is pretty overwhelming. Some days it is so dark and you feel so weary that you get pulled under. You feel like you are drowning in it. Some days that sadness, the anxiety, the lethargy, just sucks all the air out of your lungs. Some days you do just want to give up. 

BUT.....I cannnot even fathom doing that (killing yourself) to my loved ones. Those emotional scars that this woman's death will leave... forever.....

I am trying to make sense of it... but it makes no sense. 

In a conversation I had with a friend last year who attempted suicide and lived, he told me he wasn't thinking about death as much as he was thinking "I just wanted to go be with Jesus"

This makes me think that perhaps she thought that too- she decided the pain was just too much and the idea of going to heaven to be with Jesus, was a relief. 

I don't know. We lost another person to suicide just a few months ago. Another life tragically ended unnecessarily. 

UNNECESSARILY.

Because, despite all the emotional and mental anguish, as believers in Jesus Christ, we have HOPE. 

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29.11

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40.31

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him. so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15.13

That last scripture from Isaiah 43 has been one that has carried me through  the fires and the deep waters and continues to encourage and comfort me..... So much so that I cannot read that passage without being deeply moved every time. So much that I decided I needed a visual reminder to wear often to keep the Hope and Strength at the forefront. I created this engraved piece for my bracelet to remind me. 

I am Ransomed.  Bought with a price

I am Redeemed. Oh praise His Holy Name!

I am Restored. Daily. Hallelujah!

The death of this woman will haunt me as will the death of others who took lives.

 If you or someone you know is suffering, struggling, feeling like there is no other way out, please, I beg you, talk to someone.... do not suffer in silence. THERE IS HOPE. 

National Suicide prevention lifeline.1.800.273.8255

Six Decades

 Today is my last day of being 59. 

Yup. tomorrow is my birthday and I will officially be SIXTY. 

6 decades. yipes!

6-0.

YIPES. 

Actually since I have been technically living out my 60th year for 364 days now, with tomorrow signifying the completion of my 60th year and the beginning of the next one I can't pretend to be in shock about the number. And as usual I'd rather confess my age than my weight so there's that.

say what????

I am in a reflective mood however. I am thinking back on the past 6 decades and trying to categorize them.

Those first 10 years of life is just learning how to function in the world. Walking, talking, dressing ones self, learning to share, read, write, do math. Growing up on a farm there were chores to do, year round so learning to be responsible goes in the mix.

baby robin just out of the nest

winter time fun!

From 10-20 a lot can happen..... those tumultuous teen years, rebellious and sulky. Learning what can propel you forward and what can set you back. You make a decision and face the consequences good or bad.

grumpy in the morning... nothing's changed....

its too blurry to read but my T shirt says
  "if you don't like my peaches don't shake my tree."
shaking my head...

 I became a mom in my 20's so that 3rd decade from 20-30 was full of all sorts of growing  experiences. I faced many truths in that decade such as parenting is both rewarding and disappointing, and always a challenge. I had to accept that my marriage was a sham. 

pregnant with baby #2 and cuddling my first born

my daughter, baby #2

That made the next decade between 30-40 a time of fighting for my rights, acknowledging many lies and truths and navigating the sometimes hidden path to healing. It also brought something beautiful in my relationship with God, and a man who loves and cherishes me.

the beginning of feeling free

From 40-50 life was pretty sweet. Building new relationships, testing the waters of real adulthood. Finding my voice in an equal as a wife, as a business partner, as a leader in my church. Being a grandma, establishing a new path with my adult children. Overcoming PTSD, but learning to embrace depression and accept limitations. To be sure there have been many MANY bumps along the way. But so much opportunity for growth, forgiveness, healing. 

This last decade has really been about living in faith I think. We went through some real financial hardships, loss of relationships, changes-- big ones-- and I think the focus for me has been on trusting and acceptance. Trusting God to provide our every need. Trusting my husband in his decisions. Trusting others and allowing them to get close to me. Accepting more fully the nagging depression and making peace with it. Figuring out how to strike a balance in life that keeps me on an even keel-- keeps me stable. 

happiness is good but joy is better!

It brings me to today and a celebration of what I have learned, accomplished, conquered!

That shy, insecure, nail biting, bed wetting little girl with the dark circles under her eyes has now become a pretty confident woman if I do say so myself. 

some days I still see her 

And that really brings me to the main thing I feel I have learned over 6 decades of living. 

CONFIDENCE.

It's a journey. We are not typically born with self confidence. But it can be learned. It requires stepping out in faith. doing it afraid regardless of how you feel. Being stretched until it hurts but finding such a reward for doing so. 

choose to shine!

I am comfortable in my own skin. I like myself. I may not be proud of everything I've done and there are still days I let anxiety rule and depression threaten to take me down but it will never take me out. 

happy birthday to me!

 

This Too Shall Pass

As 2018 starts to wind down.... I shake my head that I can even say that! Wind down? Didn't we just get started??  And here I am blowing the dust off my blog. Poor thing has seriously been neglected ALL YEAR LONG.  No excuses. No apologies. Its life.

I got a new laptop. That's exciting. Well, it is when you realize you need to remember or reset all your passwords and find your files. I honestly could not remember how to log in to my blog so there were a few times I tried because I thought I might want to write. Didn't take much to discourage me and I would close the laptop and pick my phone back up and play another round of spider solitaire.

Because that is much easier to do.

I find I have been choosing the easier things. If it's gonna take much effort I think twice.... and that's not a good thing. I am not patting myself on the back for taking the easy way out.

Its easier to sleep in than to wake with the alarm clock and have breakfast with my husband. Easier to eat a granola bar than cook something healthy. Easier to check facebook than get into God's book. Easier to stay in my slippers than don tennis shoes and go for a walk. Easier to buy a bigger size of jeans than actually loose those 5-10 pounds.

Easier to ignore chores. Phone calls. Responsibilities. And that's when I know my life is sorely out of balance. That's when I know that the depression is winning a round.

Thing have got to change for me. I'm plodding. treading water....
Some days look good. I'm actually productive and working my business. I reach out to my friends and cultivate those relationships. They seem short lived however and then I start to slip back into the comfort of seclusion.

Yah, yah.... the anti-depressants are working. I saw my Doctor for my annual review and things are OK. I accept that there will be days, waves, when it feels like I'm going under and there will be days I ride the wave. I accept that because I would rather learn to work within the struggles and challenges and be real than to add more Rx to my life and feel.... not free.( If that makes sense.)

As this year has unfolded someone very close to us was diagnosed with Bi-Polar type 2. If you didn't know this, they have reclassified manic-depression as two types of Bi-Polar. One and Two. And apparently if you are gonna be bi-polar 2 is better than One. I guess as far as managing it goes. Still, its been very hard for our loved one to find the right treatment and its certainly affecting the family unit, us included. But I do see how dealing with and learning to manage my own mental health can be an asset as I can truly relate and empathize.  I can assure our loved one that it will get better. It just takes time. And I can remind myself of that too.

That this too shall pass.

Free in Christ.

Today is a better day.

If I am actually sitting here writing, it's really a better day.

And I promise.... I will be back.

Word

It's a shiny new year.

As I have done in years past, instead of resolutions, I have chosen a word to be the focus on my year. This time I took one of those quizzes posted on Facebook... this was a link to Dayspring. I answered 7 questions and it gave me a word. I was maybe a tad skeptical to start but once I started reading the questions I liked what I saw and when I got my word, it truly resonated.

The word was 'SIMPLIFY'

This goes way beyond talking about material things. But a de-cluttering of mind, heart and spirit, to make room for more of Jesus.

What does that look like in practical terms?

Making time in His Word a priority. Removing or limiting anything that draws my attention away from God and what His plan is for my life.  Social Media, Movies, frivolous things, top the list. Perhaps the best way to sum it up is in this verse from Matthew 6:33

Following this up, I also have a prayer for 2018: to more deeply desire God's Word, not just as a fragrant aroma, but as oxygen-- a matter of life and death.

My cat, who is quite a hunter, has been spending much more time indoors these days as it's cold and he is slowing down. But he loves to spend time in the window watching the birds come to the pan of bird seed I put out each morning. His unwavering attention is to be admired!  He will perch in the window sill; his tail twitching and his funny little mews go unnoticed by the chick-a-dees and robins.

I think I can learn something from Toddy. To be that focused, regardless of what the results might be.... Ah, but I know something Toddy doesn't. My focus will NOT go unnoticed!

Jeremiah 29.13 states "You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart"

Thank you LORD.