I Don't Get It or I Can't Do It

such negative words.

I hear a lot of them lately from my mom as she continues recuperating at the care facility. "I can't do that, I can't do this." "I don't understand." "why do they want me to do this?" "that makes no sense!"

Yet even as I wish she had a more positive outlook on life, I find myself asking some of the same questions about things going on around me.

I wrote in an earlier post that I was taking a break from blogging for a bit. I didn't really exit for very long because I really do love to write and there were fun things going on in my life which I wanted very much to blog about. But I am questioning what I want my blog to BE or DO.

It started out as a way to record our mission trip a year and half ago. Maybe I should have started a new blog when we got back from the trip so I wouldn't feel so compelled to keep my blog somehow in tune with the missionary theme. I think often of shelving this blog and starting a new one. Why? Does it really matter? (It's ok, I'm just thinking outloud, you don't have to answer)

Some blogs have a specific theme: cooking, recipes, babies, crafty stuff, politics, books, and writing. Others are the things a birds nest is made up of: this that and the other thing. And they are all grand.

It's a lot of work too... trying to read all the other blogs that I follow and leaving comments... and responding to anyone who leaves a comment on mine.... and some days I just don't have the time I need to devote to it properly. I'm sorry.

I guess I am trying to define What and Why and for Who I blog. Am I doing this to gain a following? Or is it just for me and if anyone else reads it, whoop-whoop? Do I want to have one specific focus or can I hop all over the map? Some blogs have a follow me button and some bloggers have eliminated that option so they won't have to live with the agony of the lack of followers or the sinking feeling that comes if a follower cancels their subscription.  I know a lot of blogs get read anonymously... we may never know who has read our words.

I love the comments but  I don't want that to be my motivation. I want to write for the sheer joy of writing, a free-fall into creativity, a way to record my life and my feelings. Blogging is a step away from a journal which remains private and sacred. When I blog I know this will be read by someone else and it may cause me to sensor myself. Or it may cause me to stretch a little as I try to 'show' my world through words alone. I don't want to get stuck in a rut writing only about one thing. I don't want to commit to a 'I post only on *** day's" or, on such and such a day my theme is this and on the next day my theme is that. I need spontaneity. I'm too restless for anything but.