I Just Don't Understand

what did I do?
really.
I had to leave or be
consumed by the fire, the poison,
the anger.
a small matter of survival
and something called self respect.

boundaries, safety, love
too much to ask?
leaving was as
much for them as it was for me.
i wanted them to know
something better
then what was being modeled for them
i had to leave or be
consumed by the control, the violence
the craziness.

broken, fragile, scared
and scarred.
emotional waste land
tired, afraid, confused
trust is not an option
when you are fighting for your life.

choices, badly made
and some not so bad
learning, growing
searching, healing comes
slowly, painfully
like burned skin that must be grafted

what hangs in the balance
are the relationships
they don't understand
they don't have all the facts
and they shouldn't.
trying to protect them
from the truth
when it was the lies we lived
that destroyed.

healing, waiting
seeking forgiveness
reconciliation
slow to return
the chasm between hearts
will this wound ever stop bleeding?

days slip into weeks slip into months
a year, a decade, maybe two
still the bridge waits to be built
a draw bridge that can be withdrawn
when ever they want
don't call me, I'll call you
these are the rules
and we play it his way

bargains made
promises broken
I don't know what he wants
or how to make it better

I had to leave or be
consumed by the things that slowly
destroy the soul.