Limping with Grace
this morning in my quiet time, I chanced upon a journal I kept during 2003 (Pre-Curves) I had made some serious notes regarding the passage of scripture where Jacob 'wrestles' with God demanding God bless him. God did, but he also struck Jacob in the hip and Jacob walked with a limp the rest of his life.
I remember being very moved and contemplative over this. (still am actually) At that time of my life I was really seeking to know God's will for me and the decision to pursue opening the Curves business was a big part of that. I felt God was saying "I am calling you into ministry". Over the course of the 5 years that I was a Curves Co-owner, I truly felt what I was doing was a ministry. I don't know at what point it happened, but eventually I was exhausted and desperately wanted out. I was depressed (clinically) and frustrated, disappointed and so very, very tired.
This May while we were in Macedonia, one of the things I learned more about was God's Grace. how it works for me. What that looks like in my life. Grace is multi-faceted I came to realize and I really only grasped the meaning of one layer. But it was an important layer and I am resting in this lesson.
I learned how God carries me when I am limping. If I am Jacob, blessed but broken, my limp is my depression. I will most likely always need the anti-depressants to keep me stable. And because of my sprint like energy,(good for the short fast race, not as a long distance runner) I will always need times of withdrawal and solitude in order to recharge. But, there are times that solitude is not possible and times of withdrawal not practical. That is when God steps in and carries me with His Grace.
I do not regret the years as a Curves Owner/Operator, though there are some things I wish I could have done differently. This last year and a half has been a time of recuperation and recovery for me. Now I feel I am finally really ready to embrace the future--whatever new ministry God is drawing me to next.
I can do this without fear and trepidation because I know when I stumble, God will steady me. When I fall, he will catch me. When I limp, God will put his arm around me and give me the support I need.
Funny how something I started to 'study' or think on, in 2003 has finally reached this point. I had a lesson to learn and it has taken me till now to really get it. Perhaps I am a slow learner, or maybe it is because God takes His time in teaching us the things that He especially wants us to remember.
His grace is sufficient for me; His power is perfected in weakness. Most gladly therefore, I would rather boast about my weakness, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12.9