Prayers for Healing

Last night we attended our Discipleship Class.  There are 12 of us in the group and each week one or two of us has shared a dream or desire we have that we want to see come true in the next 12 months. Last night, I was one of those who shared. I volunteered to do my turn because Pastor Steve asked Bruce if he was ready and he admitted he was not. I jumped in and said "I'll do mine, I'm ready!" and then as I looked at the paper folded in my hand with my dream written out I gulped. Lump in throat. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought to do this. I admitted. But with the encouraging looks from the group to spur me on I unfolded my paper and plunged in.

I said that in the next 12 months I would like to experience emotional healing for specific relationships. At first I thought I was asking for the relationships themselves to be healed-- which of course, i do want. but I feel that the Lord revealed to me over the course of the last couple of weeks, that the healing He wants to do, the place to start, is in my own heart, not theirs.

For a long time now I have held a belief that I did a lousy job in my role in this relationship. That I failed time and time again. That the choices I made were bad. That I could have, should have, done better. I have relived moments and wished for recalls. I have beat myself up repeatedly over things.  I have carried guilt and shame over these things.
And now, it seems the Lord is saying "Enough".

Curiously, we are at this point in time, at Dream School, also reading through Neil Anderson's book "Victory over the Darkness" and being challenged to work though issues that bog us down from finding our true identity in Christ Jesus. And as we drove home from DRS on Tuesday, i had asked the Lord to reveal to me the areas I need to work on. Funny, the answer was the same thing as the dream I had written down on the discipleship homework assignment.

What I am coming to realize is that I have had certain tapes playing in my head, over and over again for far too long. Many of the recordings are lies... lies that eat at me and cause the guilt and shame. I have convinced myself that my role in this particular relationship really sucks.

What I am seeking for now, is the wisdom and discernment to separate the lies from the truth. To discard the lies and ask forgiveness for the things I did do wrong. I sense the Lord is saying He wants me healed and strong in certain areas before I pursue reconciliation. Because reconciliation will involve a level of confrontation, going in with weak, injured areas will only result in more injuries. He wants me whole in this area so I can stand firm in HIS power and His grace.

Last night,  I was surrounded by the group and bolstered with prayers. As they prayed, it became clearer as the Holy Spirit impressed upon me, the need for me to experience emotional healing in my heart mind and soul before any healing could/should/would take place between me and those i long to be reconciled to.

It is important to take responsibility for my part in this and in some ways I have already done that. But I must not fully believe it because I seem so willing to take on more than my share of the problem.

I am a work in progress.